tonight, i broke down.
and i told Mike how badly what his mom is, or shall i say is not, doing, really, really hurts me. of course i didn't really get a response but i think my tears showed him how unhappy all of this made me. he said he doesn't understand it either. but the thing i dont get the most is why he doesnt just give up on them. why he doesnt just let go of something he never really even had in the first place. i know my brother and sister don't care about me or my little family and they're dead to me. that's all there is to it, and we use to actually BE a family together. but how can i have someone in my life that doesnt want to get to know my babies? Ryder grows, every single day. he learns at least 5 new words or things a week. he's growing up so fast, and Mikes mom doesnt care to know him. even though my mom and i are extremely close and talk every single day, she still asks about him. she taught him things when she was here. she knows if he's sick, or what crazy new thing he is doing. and she asks questions. Mikes mom hasn't talked to either one of us in almost 3 weeks. she saw Lyvia on Skype, hasn't asked ONE question about her since she was born except "what does she need" you know what Trish? my children need their grandma to want to know them, to get to know them, to call one of us up, or text us once a week to catch up on their lives. not to ask how they're doing and then launch into a completely different irrelevant topic. not for me to consistently try, try, and fucking try, and you to just not give a fuck.
for almost a year i have been trying to make things right. Mike was coming home, we had a new family together, i had no choice but to put the past behind me. i gave up and tried to start over when his mom visited, thinking this was a new start. she had finally met her grandson, things would be different.
but it isn't.
it just makes me so, so, so sad that we can't even be in each others lives because of Mike and I's kids, you know? i don't even care that she will never respect me as Mikes wife, or his childrens mother, i don't care that she doesn't call us and ask how we are doing or know anything about us anymore, or our lives. this isn't about Mike, or I. this is about Ryder and Lyvia. i just don't understand how you can know that you have two little beings, that are so precious, so perfect, even across the world, and not want to know them. how can you meet my vivacious, smart, amazing little boy, and just walk away like you never even met him? it breaks my heart. i promised to protect my children, and here i am, STILL trying. even tonight when we were driving to Walmart, i heard a song that reminded me of his sister and i almost sent her a photo of my daughter. i had to stop myself, change the song, and ignore the pain in my heart. i know there is no point trying to involve them any longer in my kids lives, and it really shouldnt be nearly as hard as it is turning out to be. i just want Mike to look at me and tell me that it doesn't matter, that they're dead to him. and maybe i won't have to feel what i've been feeling and continuing to try to prove myself. as what though? there is nothing else to prove. there is nothing to fix, because i never did anything to deserve this. and especially not my children.
Lyvi and Ry only deserve the best people in their lives, for as long as i can help it. people that love them, even before having met them. people that ask about them, want to get to know them, know what they like, and what they're learning about. people that know their birthdates... Trish, Troy, and Tiffany are missing out on such a special little boy. they will never know the joy it is to have him in their life. if i can help it, he won't even know who they are.
i told Mike, that this plays a really big impact on our marriage right now. that as of now, this is my only really big issue with us. that he keeps these people around because he thinks he is suppose to, rather than looking down the road and seeing how this will affect his kids. and seeing now, how it is hurting his wife. he has told me countless times, mostly when we were dating, that they didn't matter, that only i did, him and me. oh how i need to hear those words again right now. that they don't matter, that only me and the babies do.
but at least he could wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay.
i needed to hear that as well.
i just wish trish cared less about complaining about her job and telling me how she wants the kids to have a "step grandpa", when she cant even be a grandma, and more about my children. and for Tiffany to stop partying less and throwing her life away and more about my kids as well. its just sad. but there isnt anything more i can do about it. i still cant decide to tell them i'm ending it, or just stop all together. it's been almost 3 weeks since we talked to his mom.... guess we will see how long she wants to do this shit.... again!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
seventy.
okay. my bad.
i have been so tired lately and life has been so nuts that i never blog anymore. soooo, i shall take a few minutes of my sleep time and type some random nonsense for people to read. if anyone even reads this thing anymore.
anywho.
Miss Lyvi J is almost 4 weeks old, and she is growing way too fast! she has quite the personality already and it's full of sass! but we love her anyway. she loves to be swaddled and makes the cutest faces. and usually only wakes up once or twice in the middle of the night. so far, she doesnt seem to have the reflux that Ryder did, which means she will grow even faster than he did! :( but she's my little girl, always!
Mister Ryder has absolutely learned so much in the last few weeks.
his word list now;
hi! (always with a wave) bye bye, blankie, sissy, sip, bite, uh oh (which he says a lot) baba (of course) bubba, which is what he calls himself because i always do. "whats dis" (or what sounds like it, here go (when he hands you something) "chee" (whenever i go to grab my camera he says this, his cheese, lol) and i'm sure more, which only we understand. he LOVES puzzles, and tonight he showed me that he knows where they go. he can climb a jungle gym pretty well and he goes down the slide by himself. backwards on his belly of course! even though he steals sissy's bink he gives it back sometimes when she cries, and always acts concerned and runs to her when he hears her start to fuss. he knows so much. if we ask him where blankie is, he finds it. i ask him if he wants to take a nap and he runs to the stairs and waits. if you sing ring around the rosie, he knows when to fall down. Mimi taught him that one! he loves to run. and run, and run, and run, and run. so, Mike decided he should be Flash for Halloween. :) he's such a big boy, and if you ask him how big the big boy is, he will throw his arms in the air! and clap of course. he loves to clap, and claps when he hears people doing it on tv. he will wave at the tv too if someone does. he's always so happy, i absolutely love it. and he's such a good big brother, and gives sissy lots of kisses. when he isnt trying to pull her out of her bouncy seat or swing out of jealousy while mommy naps and he has to share his dad, lmao! but he's still mommys baby too. he has been protesting bed time so i have to bring him to mommy and daddys bed, turn out the light, lay him on my belly, ear to my heart, and rock him until he falls asleep. but i don't mind, i love him so much, i'm so glad that he still needs me!
i finally got to see my mom and dad again and am so happy that they got to visit, even though the entire week was chaotic. i was so exhausted from falling into a new mommy routine, our air had just gone out so we had loud ugly portables, it was super hot all week, Mikes work schedule was all screwed up. and we were trying to cram all last year and all this coming year, into about, 5 days time. i was glad that my mom got to hold my newborn though! and Ryder and my dad seemed to just click, i loved watching them play together. not really something my dad ever did before. i just wish they could have stayed longer, or things went smoother, or we did something more.i hate that i wont see them again for so long. having them hear makes me feel more like myself, more mature and grown up. i just hated clinging to my mom before she walked out the door, both sobbing, while holding my son, her arms wrapped around us telling me how proud she was of me. and then for the next hour, watching my son walk around the house, looking for my moms shoes, and my dads hat that he played with. it killed me, i wish we were more a part of each others lives. :(
having them here, made me realize that i can't hold onto Mike's family anymore. i have been so incredibly hurt by Mike's mother. i didn't want her to visit but finally gave in. ever since she left, after actually meeting my son, she's barely talked to either one of us. i finally told Mike to tell her to get on Skype so she could see Lyvia. but she never asked to see her, or Ryder. she never asks about either one of them. she never talks to Mike, more than maybe once every 3 weeks, and even then it's about dumb stuff. i dont understand how you can come and meet my son, play with him, interact with him, and then leave and its like he never existed to you. how he learns at least three new things a day and you go weeks without knowing any of these things. i can understand that you were disassociated when you didn't even know my son, but you MET him, held him, kissed him goodbye... and then you forgot about him. that hurts, a lot. i gave her the benefit of the doubt. i gave her a second chance. and now i'm just done. i'm tired of the battle within myself to involve them, when they dont seem to want to be. they dont care to ask anything about either one of my children. i have to draw the fucking line somewhere! yesterday morning i sent her, tiffany, patrick, and jon a picture of the kids, saying to have a good day. all cheery and nice. Patrick, who is Trish's ex boyfriend after the divorce, they dated awhile so he was a big part of Mikes life, responded with how cute they were and to have a good day also. Jon texted later and we had a small conversation.
silence from trish and tiffany.
now, i know his mom works so i didnt expect a response right away, and tiffany is a bitch but hey, at least i can say i tried. but really? trish cant even respond back asking how things are going? how the kids are? say she misses my son?! youre suppose to be his grandma and you dont even care! and then tiffany texts mike today saying that we need to visit because she wants to see babies... she doesnt even call them by name. and i am so glad he didnt respond after that. why the fuck would we visit?! when TWO people from our families actually give a damn?! and you would see "babies" more if you werent a slut and a terrible influence and i could actually stand you. or hold a conversation with you. it all just pisses me off!!! i could rant about them all day. but really, i'm done with them. they dont deserve to know my children.
annnnnd, my sister has yet to contact me and say or ask anything about my new daughter. she sent a box of hand me down toys with my mom for the kids, and one new onesie for Lyvi. if my son didn't love his blocks and books so much, i would be even more pissed. but really Kelly... not even a phone call, a three second text message, a card that says it all for you... how very very sad.
but i'm now done with her too.
now, the part y'all have been waiting and wondering about.
my husband and i.
during my parents visit i realized that here, with my husband and our babies, is where i do belong. i love my parents, but moving back isn't what is in the cards for me right now. not to mention how pathetic that my 26 year old brother lives with them so even if we wanted to move back, we wouldnt have anywhere to go.
BUT.
i honestly couldn't see things any other way. ever since Lyvia was born and he was on ptad, he proved a lot to me. he took care of me and the babies, he made sure i ate and got out of the house. he still makes sure we get out of the house at least every other night, we go for walks or take Ryder to the park, or he lets me nap, or take a shower/bath, have some "me" time. i feel so much better about myself now that i have my body back. we laugh more, and stay up on more nights watching tv or a movie and fighting over the popcorn bowl. while my parents were here he took me on a motorcycle ride that rekindled a lot. though i still can't believe how crazy and young we were only 3 short years ago. one night he worked super late, running on only a few hours of sleep. we had a date planned but he got home too late and i was upset, and started crying. so he picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, grabbed my flip flops, told my parents wed be back, and threw me in the truck. he took me to a movie. we got home about midnight and he had to be on post at 345 to watch trucks, as well as go to work that day. he got home that day around 5, and had 24 hour duty the next morning. but he showed me he tried, that he cared about me, more than his sleep. it was wonderful. only one or two days i wanted to stab him in the forehead. (mainly while he slept and i got up with BOTH kids.) but things have been a lot better lately. and i hope things stay this way. he's been trying and i give him a lot of credit for it. even on days when i am absolutely exhausted and a monster, he makes sure to try to turn it all around. it's been a really good month with my husband and i, and i am extremely thankful for that. there really is no other place that i belong.
well, thats about all on my end.
pretty happy with life atm.
and i wish there were more hours in the day to get things done!
i am a full time mommy and wife and i am still juggling college courses. one more class and i am DONE with this.
Michael and/or I might turn into soccer coaches for little kiddos, since in our city there is a shortage and we wouldnt want little ones not being able to play. and since i'm going to be a soccer mom in a few years, its worth looking into!
it takes me forever to read a damn book, and i am ALWAYS sleepy, and i should go get some sleep now!
i am so lucky in love with my three loves of my life. i am so blessed to have such a smart, happy, and healthy little boy that is still the light of my life. i love having a beautiful baby girl, who was worth the wait. i am glad to have a little bit of my marriage back, and we are working on the rest. i love my mom and dad and all they have done for the four of us.and i love all the people that stand beside us and support us. the ones i call my family, when i can no longer call the blood ones, my own. i really do have the greatest life, ups, downs, clouds and ditches... everything here, there, and in between. it's our life. and i am so in love with it!
i have been so tired lately and life has been so nuts that i never blog anymore. soooo, i shall take a few minutes of my sleep time and type some random nonsense for people to read. if anyone even reads this thing anymore.
anywho.
Miss Lyvi J is almost 4 weeks old, and she is growing way too fast! she has quite the personality already and it's full of sass! but we love her anyway. she loves to be swaddled and makes the cutest faces. and usually only wakes up once or twice in the middle of the night. so far, she doesnt seem to have the reflux that Ryder did, which means she will grow even faster than he did! :( but she's my little girl, always!
Mister Ryder has absolutely learned so much in the last few weeks.
his word list now;
hi! (always with a wave) bye bye, blankie, sissy, sip, bite, uh oh (which he says a lot) baba (of course) bubba, which is what he calls himself because i always do. "whats dis" (or what sounds like it, here go (when he hands you something) "chee" (whenever i go to grab my camera he says this, his cheese, lol) and i'm sure more, which only we understand. he LOVES puzzles, and tonight he showed me that he knows where they go. he can climb a jungle gym pretty well and he goes down the slide by himself. backwards on his belly of course! even though he steals sissy's bink he gives it back sometimes when she cries, and always acts concerned and runs to her when he hears her start to fuss. he knows so much. if we ask him where blankie is, he finds it. i ask him if he wants to take a nap and he runs to the stairs and waits. if you sing ring around the rosie, he knows when to fall down. Mimi taught him that one! he loves to run. and run, and run, and run, and run. so, Mike decided he should be Flash for Halloween. :) he's such a big boy, and if you ask him how big the big boy is, he will throw his arms in the air! and clap of course. he loves to clap, and claps when he hears people doing it on tv. he will wave at the tv too if someone does. he's always so happy, i absolutely love it. and he's such a good big brother, and gives sissy lots of kisses. when he isnt trying to pull her out of her bouncy seat or swing out of jealousy while mommy naps and he has to share his dad, lmao! but he's still mommys baby too. he has been protesting bed time so i have to bring him to mommy and daddys bed, turn out the light, lay him on my belly, ear to my heart, and rock him until he falls asleep. but i don't mind, i love him so much, i'm so glad that he still needs me!
i finally got to see my mom and dad again and am so happy that they got to visit, even though the entire week was chaotic. i was so exhausted from falling into a new mommy routine, our air had just gone out so we had loud ugly portables, it was super hot all week, Mikes work schedule was all screwed up. and we were trying to cram all last year and all this coming year, into about, 5 days time. i was glad that my mom got to hold my newborn though! and Ryder and my dad seemed to just click, i loved watching them play together. not really something my dad ever did before. i just wish they could have stayed longer, or things went smoother, or we did something more.i hate that i wont see them again for so long. having them hear makes me feel more like myself, more mature and grown up. i just hated clinging to my mom before she walked out the door, both sobbing, while holding my son, her arms wrapped around us telling me how proud she was of me. and then for the next hour, watching my son walk around the house, looking for my moms shoes, and my dads hat that he played with. it killed me, i wish we were more a part of each others lives. :(
having them here, made me realize that i can't hold onto Mike's family anymore. i have been so incredibly hurt by Mike's mother. i didn't want her to visit but finally gave in. ever since she left, after actually meeting my son, she's barely talked to either one of us. i finally told Mike to tell her to get on Skype so she could see Lyvia. but she never asked to see her, or Ryder. she never asks about either one of them. she never talks to Mike, more than maybe once every 3 weeks, and even then it's about dumb stuff. i dont understand how you can come and meet my son, play with him, interact with him, and then leave and its like he never existed to you. how he learns at least three new things a day and you go weeks without knowing any of these things. i can understand that you were disassociated when you didn't even know my son, but you MET him, held him, kissed him goodbye... and then you forgot about him. that hurts, a lot. i gave her the benefit of the doubt. i gave her a second chance. and now i'm just done. i'm tired of the battle within myself to involve them, when they dont seem to want to be. they dont care to ask anything about either one of my children. i have to draw the fucking line somewhere! yesterday morning i sent her, tiffany, patrick, and jon a picture of the kids, saying to have a good day. all cheery and nice. Patrick, who is Trish's ex boyfriend after the divorce, they dated awhile so he was a big part of Mikes life, responded with how cute they were and to have a good day also. Jon texted later and we had a small conversation.
silence from trish and tiffany.
now, i know his mom works so i didnt expect a response right away, and tiffany is a bitch but hey, at least i can say i tried. but really? trish cant even respond back asking how things are going? how the kids are? say she misses my son?! youre suppose to be his grandma and you dont even care! and then tiffany texts mike today saying that we need to visit because she wants to see babies... she doesnt even call them by name. and i am so glad he didnt respond after that. why the fuck would we visit?! when TWO people from our families actually give a damn?! and you would see "babies" more if you werent a slut and a terrible influence and i could actually stand you. or hold a conversation with you. it all just pisses me off!!! i could rant about them all day. but really, i'm done with them. they dont deserve to know my children.
annnnnd, my sister has yet to contact me and say or ask anything about my new daughter. she sent a box of hand me down toys with my mom for the kids, and one new onesie for Lyvi. if my son didn't love his blocks and books so much, i would be even more pissed. but really Kelly... not even a phone call, a three second text message, a card that says it all for you... how very very sad.
but i'm now done with her too.
now, the part y'all have been waiting and wondering about.
my husband and i.
during my parents visit i realized that here, with my husband and our babies, is where i do belong. i love my parents, but moving back isn't what is in the cards for me right now. not to mention how pathetic that my 26 year old brother lives with them so even if we wanted to move back, we wouldnt have anywhere to go.
BUT.
i honestly couldn't see things any other way. ever since Lyvia was born and he was on ptad, he proved a lot to me. he took care of me and the babies, he made sure i ate and got out of the house. he still makes sure we get out of the house at least every other night, we go for walks or take Ryder to the park, or he lets me nap, or take a shower/bath, have some "me" time. i feel so much better about myself now that i have my body back. we laugh more, and stay up on more nights watching tv or a movie and fighting over the popcorn bowl. while my parents were here he took me on a motorcycle ride that rekindled a lot. though i still can't believe how crazy and young we were only 3 short years ago. one night he worked super late, running on only a few hours of sleep. we had a date planned but he got home too late and i was upset, and started crying. so he picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, grabbed my flip flops, told my parents wed be back, and threw me in the truck. he took me to a movie. we got home about midnight and he had to be on post at 345 to watch trucks, as well as go to work that day. he got home that day around 5, and had 24 hour duty the next morning. but he showed me he tried, that he cared about me, more than his sleep. it was wonderful. only one or two days i wanted to stab him in the forehead. (mainly while he slept and i got up with BOTH kids.) but things have been a lot better lately. and i hope things stay this way. he's been trying and i give him a lot of credit for it. even on days when i am absolutely exhausted and a monster, he makes sure to try to turn it all around. it's been a really good month with my husband and i, and i am extremely thankful for that. there really is no other place that i belong.
well, thats about all on my end.
pretty happy with life atm.
and i wish there were more hours in the day to get things done!
i am a full time mommy and wife and i am still juggling college courses. one more class and i am DONE with this.
Michael and/or I might turn into soccer coaches for little kiddos, since in our city there is a shortage and we wouldnt want little ones not being able to play. and since i'm going to be a soccer mom in a few years, its worth looking into!
it takes me forever to read a damn book, and i am ALWAYS sleepy, and i should go get some sleep now!
i am so lucky in love with my three loves of my life. i am so blessed to have such a smart, happy, and healthy little boy that is still the light of my life. i love having a beautiful baby girl, who was worth the wait. i am glad to have a little bit of my marriage back, and we are working on the rest. i love my mom and dad and all they have done for the four of us.and i love all the people that stand beside us and support us. the ones i call my family, when i can no longer call the blood ones, my own. i really do have the greatest life, ups, downs, clouds and ditches... everything here, there, and in between. it's our life. and i am so in love with it!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
sixty nine.
okay, okay. i have seriously sat down to write this like, five times in the past week.
so, here goes.
my darling daughter was born on august 2nd, 2012, at 1220PM.
weighing in at 6lbs, 15oz, and 19 inches long.
the morning of my Cesarean section went everything but the way we had it planned in our heads. and i had begun to type it out, but the irritation before the beauty of my daughter means very little to me now. she is here, and absolutely perfect.
all ten tiny fingers, and toes. bright blue eyes and a little nose.
and i know that my life will never be the same.
Michael and i got to hear our daughters first cry together. that beautiful little sound, while holding hands, making a puddle between us with our sweat and nervousness. as much as i thought i didn't need him, i found out, that he was the only thing that i did need in that moment in time. he was my calm before everything. he washed away my fears when i saw him walk into the room in his blue scrubs and face mask. this was it, our brand new beginning.
two hours after Lyvia was born i was finally able to see her. i recovered away from my room, while Mike, Ryder, and Lyvia waited for me. but the moment they wheeled me back into my room and i saw my husband holding our son and comforting our daughter from being poked and proded by the doctor. my entire world fell into place.i may never know what "perfect" feels like but in that moment, i believe i found it.
Michael was, someone else.
that someone else was exactly who i needed him to be.
Ryder was in the hospital with us for over 12 hours the day i gave birth to his sister and only at the end did he start acting up. he was the perfect little boy i knew he would be, all day long. Mike make sure he didn't get into anything. he walked down the hall half a thousand times to get me ice chips or water. when they left to go to bed, he texted me encouraging things when i told him i was up and walking, we texted until one of us fell asleep. he brought Ryder in the morning, armed with juice and snacks, and brought him back before bedtime so i could kiss him goodnight. on the drive home he was extremely careful not to hit a bump too hard because of my incision and Lyvi, and i thought it was adorable.
i came home to a clean house, a happy baby, and some much needed time to relax. i finally got to see him be active with his daughter since he didn't get much chance with chasing Ryder around my hospital room.
the night we came home was absolutely amazing. Ryder loved his sissy, i fell in love with my husband all over again while i watched him hold our newborn daughter. things went perfect. i have never been so lucky.
this past week has been the absolute best time i can ever remember having in my life. i have seen the personality come out in my son so much, he's a whole new person and i love him even more. i have learned to balance time and love between the two of them. my heart has opened even more, loving TWO babies. i even got to take a nap with the both of them the second day i was home. it was the best way to start my recovery. i got to see my husbands face light up as he proudly told everyone about his daughter, sending them pictures and talking about both his kids, that i overlooked the fact of him talking to two people i never really approved of, because i know my husband now, more than ever, and i know he is a much better man than he use to be. we had a lot of down time the first few nights after Ryder went to bed and Lyvia slept, so we got to watch movies together, which has been needed for awhile. i got to take naps with my daughter and sleep in while he took care of Ryder and played with him. i healed quickly because of it, it was wonderful. i got my bond with both my son and daughter, and my husband all over again. he took the reigns when i needed him to, he proved me wrong, like i never thought he would. he stepped up and has been an amazing dad to both of our children, and he has been a better husband to me. i guess when you see someones insides, you realize just exactly who you're married to, and make a decision to make it work, or call it quits. apparently, he just liked my guts enough to be the man i needed him to be. he made me feel like a teenager, with all these damn emotions and feelings. gosh, i hope this never goes away!
just like with having Ryder, giving birth to Lyvia has taught me so much. it opened my eyes once again to my marriage and made me realize that maybe there really is more to it than what i had thought. that there are so many things we need to work on, but everything can be fixed and there really is no other place for me, or our babies, than with the two of us. maybe it was hormones, maybe it was him being a douchebag. but i guess i'm just not willing to give my little family up.
family has become a new thing to be entirely.
it was a few days after my daughter was born that i realized that not even my sister or brother had texted me to congratulate me. Kevin didn't with Ryder so i didn't expect it now. but Kelly? i hate to admit it, but it actually kind of hurt. not even a phone call or a text message to say she was happy for me and my little family. i knew there was no letter or card coming in the mail, so i avoided the mailbox. it was a huge slap in the face and it made me realize, i no longer have her in my life.
i knew that when i moved out of state, that things would be different. people would miss out on mine, my husbands, and my childrens lives, as i would theirs. i couldn't be around them for christmas or birthdays, or go out to lunch with them any day or the week. but i never really expected every single family member to walk out of my life. it never really occurred to me that i stopped existing because i chose to grow up and marry the man i was head over heels in love with. distance did not make their hearts grow fonder, it made them forget. i have deleted all but maybe three family members off my facebook because there isn't a point to them watching our lives in pictures when they don't even bother to talk to us. not that everyone has time to live on facebook, but a card would be nice. it breaks my heart that i have no one to share my kids with but my husband, mom, dad, and i. i'm so tired of this "out of sight, out of mind" thing. i won't deal with it anymore. i refuse to be part of any holiday dinners when we move back. no one was here for me for Deployment, not one single person called to see how i was doing and if i needed anything. i think i got a card or two when Ryder was born but i have received nothing, of any sort, from anyone one of them on my daughter. i'll give my aunt Cathy some credit because she did send Mike a few care packages while he was over there. but other than her, no one even gave a fuck that my husband was fighting at war while his wife was 2,200 miles from home with a brand new baby by herself.
and then to be slapped in the face by my sister?
that's when i put an end to everything. and it really makes me not want to move back. as much as i miss my mom, i'm not sure it's worth the heartbreak. as much as i hated to, i have to give up the twins. hell, i haven't been in their lives for 2 years now, they have grown up and changed, and gotten over their "Bug". my sister can not take the time out to send me a measley text message saying congratulations, on her new niece, i find that so pathetic.
and of course my mom has every excuse in the book for her.
newsflash mom, she just doesn't give a shit anymore. if she ever did in the first place.
not to mention how angry it makes me that Mikes mom came out to meet my son, and has barely spoken to us since then. she doesn't ask for photos, or ask about Ryder, who grows and changes every day. didn't ask how much Lyvi weighed, or know when we even got home, havent talked to her in a week and when Mike did, it was about how "everyone you know is so happy for you"... when no one else bothered to text him but Patrick and Jon. it makes me most angry and sad for us and my son because. how can you fly out here to meet my child, and fly home and not care about him anymore? because that is exactly what has happened. she played us for fools. she said she wanted to skype once a month or so and get to see Ryder and when Lyvi got here, her as well. i had figured her and Mike would talk more often, she would call to "talk" to my son... something.... anything.
and we have gotten nothing, at all.
as much as it hurts me i know that i need to keep my chin up and build a better family for my son and my daughter. i have had people tell me how beautiful my daughter is, how much they love our little family, tell us congratulations, all over the country. i have had people i have never met, up early last Thursday morning awaiting a photo of my daughter on the computer screen. i know that more than one amazing woman lost sleep knowing Lyvia was coming. i had women that i have never met, praying and thinking about my family and i.
and my own sister didn't even care.
but, on to HAPPY stuff, as a closing paragraph. i'm sleepy and my bed is calling my name.
until my daughter wakes up. she sure loves her milkies!
Lyvia Jean has brown hair and blue eyes. and the sweetest little dimples that makes me that much more excited to see her real smile and hear her giggles. she is a swaddle baby! which puts all the swaddles Mimi bought, to good use. she's a sweet little girl but in the last week has learned a bit of sass. she's a bink sucker, when bubba isn't stealing it. she already laughs in her sleep, and sometimes snorts when she cries. she's such a snuggler, but she prefers daddy over mommy, which i don't mind at all, daddy deserves it. she's a tiny little precious thing, and looks adorable in everything! though i have to admit, she doesn't really strike me yet as a cowgirl, but we will just have to wait and see. she's an awesome sleeper, but has been starting to be awake more and more now. yay me for night times, lol.
Ryders personality has started to show more and more this week. he has been a tiny little terror, but shown me his loving side more often. it might also be because he likes pushing buttons with his dad. hes a great big brother. he rubs Lyvias head when shes crying, when she starts up he seems so concerned and goes to see whats wrong. he is mommy's big helper when it comes to diapers. if she is laying in the boppy he will crawl onto the couch and try to snuggle her. even though he's a little rough, he's learning. he steals her binks, but thats okay. he still plays a lot, and ignores her, but sometimes walks up to her and starts babbling a conversation. he seems so big now. not like a baby anymore whatsoever and that hurts me a lot. but i know i need to let him grow up when he wants to. he still loves mommy. :) he has been talking a lot more and learning new words. today while we were eating he randomly grabbed a napkin and wiped his mouth. it was amazing! he learns so many new things by himself and i am amazed, i have no idea where he gets some of this stuff. and he LOVES to learn, which makes me even more proud.
so far, after getting him his new cd player, no more night time scares and wanting to sleep with mommy. which, of course i miss. he's really into light switches right now. and putting things, into other things. carries around an empty wipe box. i looooooove that he carries around his blankie everywhere, i have thought about keeping it upstairs only, but it's too cute not to have him carry it around. he still has his bink, and drinks out of bottles at night. he eats everything. there is seriously not one thing that kid doesn't like to eat! he's just amazing. there really is nothing more to it. <3
i am just soooooo in love with my doodlebugs!
i am the luckiest woman in the world to have them.
and be able to call them all mine! :D
now, i am considering starting a NEWWWWW blog as the start of my new life, with two babies.
hmmm, definately a good thing to think about.
-ks.
so, here goes.
my darling daughter was born on august 2nd, 2012, at 1220PM.
weighing in at 6lbs, 15oz, and 19 inches long.
the morning of my Cesarean section went everything but the way we had it planned in our heads. and i had begun to type it out, but the irritation before the beauty of my daughter means very little to me now. she is here, and absolutely perfect.
all ten tiny fingers, and toes. bright blue eyes and a little nose.
and i know that my life will never be the same.
Michael and i got to hear our daughters first cry together. that beautiful little sound, while holding hands, making a puddle between us with our sweat and nervousness. as much as i thought i didn't need him, i found out, that he was the only thing that i did need in that moment in time. he was my calm before everything. he washed away my fears when i saw him walk into the room in his blue scrubs and face mask. this was it, our brand new beginning.
two hours after Lyvia was born i was finally able to see her. i recovered away from my room, while Mike, Ryder, and Lyvia waited for me. but the moment they wheeled me back into my room and i saw my husband holding our son and comforting our daughter from being poked and proded by the doctor. my entire world fell into place.i may never know what "perfect" feels like but in that moment, i believe i found it.
Michael was, someone else.
that someone else was exactly who i needed him to be.
Ryder was in the hospital with us for over 12 hours the day i gave birth to his sister and only at the end did he start acting up. he was the perfect little boy i knew he would be, all day long. Mike make sure he didn't get into anything. he walked down the hall half a thousand times to get me ice chips or water. when they left to go to bed, he texted me encouraging things when i told him i was up and walking, we texted until one of us fell asleep. he brought Ryder in the morning, armed with juice and snacks, and brought him back before bedtime so i could kiss him goodnight. on the drive home he was extremely careful not to hit a bump too hard because of my incision and Lyvi, and i thought it was adorable.
i came home to a clean house, a happy baby, and some much needed time to relax. i finally got to see him be active with his daughter since he didn't get much chance with chasing Ryder around my hospital room.
the night we came home was absolutely amazing. Ryder loved his sissy, i fell in love with my husband all over again while i watched him hold our newborn daughter. things went perfect. i have never been so lucky.
this past week has been the absolute best time i can ever remember having in my life. i have seen the personality come out in my son so much, he's a whole new person and i love him even more. i have learned to balance time and love between the two of them. my heart has opened even more, loving TWO babies. i even got to take a nap with the both of them the second day i was home. it was the best way to start my recovery. i got to see my husbands face light up as he proudly told everyone about his daughter, sending them pictures and talking about both his kids, that i overlooked the fact of him talking to two people i never really approved of, because i know my husband now, more than ever, and i know he is a much better man than he use to be. we had a lot of down time the first few nights after Ryder went to bed and Lyvia slept, so we got to watch movies together, which has been needed for awhile. i got to take naps with my daughter and sleep in while he took care of Ryder and played with him. i healed quickly because of it, it was wonderful. i got my bond with both my son and daughter, and my husband all over again. he took the reigns when i needed him to, he proved me wrong, like i never thought he would. he stepped up and has been an amazing dad to both of our children, and he has been a better husband to me. i guess when you see someones insides, you realize just exactly who you're married to, and make a decision to make it work, or call it quits. apparently, he just liked my guts enough to be the man i needed him to be. he made me feel like a teenager, with all these damn emotions and feelings. gosh, i hope this never goes away!
just like with having Ryder, giving birth to Lyvia has taught me so much. it opened my eyes once again to my marriage and made me realize that maybe there really is more to it than what i had thought. that there are so many things we need to work on, but everything can be fixed and there really is no other place for me, or our babies, than with the two of us. maybe it was hormones, maybe it was him being a douchebag. but i guess i'm just not willing to give my little family up.
family has become a new thing to be entirely.
it was a few days after my daughter was born that i realized that not even my sister or brother had texted me to congratulate me. Kevin didn't with Ryder so i didn't expect it now. but Kelly? i hate to admit it, but it actually kind of hurt. not even a phone call or a text message to say she was happy for me and my little family. i knew there was no letter or card coming in the mail, so i avoided the mailbox. it was a huge slap in the face and it made me realize, i no longer have her in my life.
i knew that when i moved out of state, that things would be different. people would miss out on mine, my husbands, and my childrens lives, as i would theirs. i couldn't be around them for christmas or birthdays, or go out to lunch with them any day or the week. but i never really expected every single family member to walk out of my life. it never really occurred to me that i stopped existing because i chose to grow up and marry the man i was head over heels in love with. distance did not make their hearts grow fonder, it made them forget. i have deleted all but maybe three family members off my facebook because there isn't a point to them watching our lives in pictures when they don't even bother to talk to us. not that everyone has time to live on facebook, but a card would be nice. it breaks my heart that i have no one to share my kids with but my husband, mom, dad, and i. i'm so tired of this "out of sight, out of mind" thing. i won't deal with it anymore. i refuse to be part of any holiday dinners when we move back. no one was here for me for Deployment, not one single person called to see how i was doing and if i needed anything. i think i got a card or two when Ryder was born but i have received nothing, of any sort, from anyone one of them on my daughter. i'll give my aunt Cathy some credit because she did send Mike a few care packages while he was over there. but other than her, no one even gave a fuck that my husband was fighting at war while his wife was 2,200 miles from home with a brand new baby by herself.
and then to be slapped in the face by my sister?
that's when i put an end to everything. and it really makes me not want to move back. as much as i miss my mom, i'm not sure it's worth the heartbreak. as much as i hated to, i have to give up the twins. hell, i haven't been in their lives for 2 years now, they have grown up and changed, and gotten over their "Bug". my sister can not take the time out to send me a measley text message saying congratulations, on her new niece, i find that so pathetic.
and of course my mom has every excuse in the book for her.
newsflash mom, she just doesn't give a shit anymore. if she ever did in the first place.
not to mention how angry it makes me that Mikes mom came out to meet my son, and has barely spoken to us since then. she doesn't ask for photos, or ask about Ryder, who grows and changes every day. didn't ask how much Lyvi weighed, or know when we even got home, havent talked to her in a week and when Mike did, it was about how "everyone you know is so happy for you"... when no one else bothered to text him but Patrick and Jon. it makes me most angry and sad for us and my son because. how can you fly out here to meet my child, and fly home and not care about him anymore? because that is exactly what has happened. she played us for fools. she said she wanted to skype once a month or so and get to see Ryder and when Lyvi got here, her as well. i had figured her and Mike would talk more often, she would call to "talk" to my son... something.... anything.
and we have gotten nothing, at all.
as much as it hurts me i know that i need to keep my chin up and build a better family for my son and my daughter. i have had people tell me how beautiful my daughter is, how much they love our little family, tell us congratulations, all over the country. i have had people i have never met, up early last Thursday morning awaiting a photo of my daughter on the computer screen. i know that more than one amazing woman lost sleep knowing Lyvia was coming. i had women that i have never met, praying and thinking about my family and i.
and my own sister didn't even care.
but, on to HAPPY stuff, as a closing paragraph. i'm sleepy and my bed is calling my name.
until my daughter wakes up. she sure loves her milkies!
Lyvia Jean has brown hair and blue eyes. and the sweetest little dimples that makes me that much more excited to see her real smile and hear her giggles. she is a swaddle baby! which puts all the swaddles Mimi bought, to good use. she's a sweet little girl but in the last week has learned a bit of sass. she's a bink sucker, when bubba isn't stealing it. she already laughs in her sleep, and sometimes snorts when she cries. she's such a snuggler, but she prefers daddy over mommy, which i don't mind at all, daddy deserves it. she's a tiny little precious thing, and looks adorable in everything! though i have to admit, she doesn't really strike me yet as a cowgirl, but we will just have to wait and see. she's an awesome sleeper, but has been starting to be awake more and more now. yay me for night times, lol.
Ryders personality has started to show more and more this week. he has been a tiny little terror, but shown me his loving side more often. it might also be because he likes pushing buttons with his dad. hes a great big brother. he rubs Lyvias head when shes crying, when she starts up he seems so concerned and goes to see whats wrong. he is mommy's big helper when it comes to diapers. if she is laying in the boppy he will crawl onto the couch and try to snuggle her. even though he's a little rough, he's learning. he steals her binks, but thats okay. he still plays a lot, and ignores her, but sometimes walks up to her and starts babbling a conversation. he seems so big now. not like a baby anymore whatsoever and that hurts me a lot. but i know i need to let him grow up when he wants to. he still loves mommy. :) he has been talking a lot more and learning new words. today while we were eating he randomly grabbed a napkin and wiped his mouth. it was amazing! he learns so many new things by himself and i am amazed, i have no idea where he gets some of this stuff. and he LOVES to learn, which makes me even more proud.
so far, after getting him his new cd player, no more night time scares and wanting to sleep with mommy. which, of course i miss. he's really into light switches right now. and putting things, into other things. carries around an empty wipe box. i looooooove that he carries around his blankie everywhere, i have thought about keeping it upstairs only, but it's too cute not to have him carry it around. he still has his bink, and drinks out of bottles at night. he eats everything. there is seriously not one thing that kid doesn't like to eat! he's just amazing. there really is nothing more to it. <3
i am just soooooo in love with my doodlebugs!
i am the luckiest woman in the world to have them.
and be able to call them all mine! :D
now, i am considering starting a NEWWWWW blog as the start of my new life, with two babies.
hmmm, definately a good thing to think about.
-ks.
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