sixty nine.

okay, okay. i have seriously sat down to write this like, five times in the past week.
so, here goes.

my darling daughter was born on august 2nd, 2012, at 1220PM.
weighing in at 6lbs, 15oz, and 19 inches long.
the morning of my Cesarean section went everything but the way we had it planned in our heads. and i had begun to type it out, but the irritation before the beauty of my daughter means very little to me now. she is here, and absolutely perfect.
all ten tiny fingers, and toes. bright blue eyes and a little nose.
and i know that my life will never be the same.

Michael and i got to hear our daughters first cry together. that beautiful little sound, while holding hands, making a puddle between us with our sweat and nervousness. as much as i thought i didn't need him, i found out, that he was the only thing that i did need in that moment in time. he was my calm before everything. he washed away my fears when i saw him walk into the room in his blue scrubs and face mask. this was it, our brand new beginning.

two hours after Lyvia was born i was finally able to see her. i recovered away from my room, while Mike, Ryder, and Lyvia waited for me. but the moment they wheeled me back into my room and i saw my husband holding our son and comforting our daughter from being poked and proded by the doctor. my entire world fell into place.i may never know what "perfect" feels like but in that moment, i believe i found it.

Michael was, someone else.
that someone else was exactly who i needed him to be.
Ryder was in the hospital with us for over 12 hours the day i gave birth to his sister and only at the end did he start acting up. he was the perfect little boy i knew he would be, all day long. Mike make sure he didn't get into anything. he walked down the hall half a thousand times to get me ice chips or water. when they left to go to bed, he texted me encouraging things when i told him i was up and walking, we texted until one of us fell asleep. he brought Ryder in the morning, armed with juice and snacks, and brought him back before bedtime so i could kiss him goodnight. on the drive home he was extremely careful not to hit a bump too hard because of my incision and Lyvi, and i thought it was adorable.
i came home to a clean house, a happy baby, and some much needed time to relax. i finally got to see him be active with his daughter since he didn't get much chance with chasing Ryder around my hospital room.
the night we came home was absolutely amazing. Ryder loved his sissy, i fell in love with my husband all over again while i watched him hold our newborn daughter. things went perfect. i have never been so lucky.

this past week has been the absolute best time i can ever remember having in my life. i have seen the personality come out in my son so much, he's a whole new person and i love him even more. i have learned to balance time and love between the two of them. my heart has opened even more, loving TWO babies. i even got to take a nap with the both of them the second day i was home. it was the best way to start my recovery. i got to see my husbands face light up as he proudly told everyone about his daughter, sending them pictures and talking about both his kids, that i overlooked the fact of him talking to two people i never really approved of, because i know my husband now, more than ever, and i know he is a much better man than he use to be. we had a lot of down time the first few nights after Ryder went to bed and Lyvia slept, so we got to watch movies together, which has been needed for awhile. i got to take naps with my daughter and sleep in while he took care of Ryder and played with him. i healed quickly because of it, it was wonderful. i got my bond with both my son and daughter, and my husband all over again. he took the reigns when i needed him to, he proved me wrong, like i never thought he would. he stepped up and has been an amazing dad to both of our children, and he has been a better husband to me. i guess when you see someones insides, you realize just exactly who you're married to, and make a decision to make it work, or call it quits. apparently, he just liked my guts enough to be the man i needed him to be. he made me feel like a teenager, with all these damn emotions and feelings. gosh, i hope this never goes away!

just like with having Ryder, giving birth to Lyvia has taught me so much. it opened my eyes once again to my marriage and made me realize that maybe there really is more to it than what i had thought. that there are so many things we need to work on, but everything can be fixed and there really is no other place for me, or our babies, than with the two of us. maybe it was hormones, maybe it was him being a douchebag. but i guess i'm just not willing to give my little family up.

family has become a new thing to be entirely.
it was a few days after my daughter was born that i realized that not even my sister or brother had texted me to congratulate me. Kevin didn't with Ryder so i didn't expect it now. but Kelly? i hate to admit it, but it actually kind of hurt. not even a phone call or a text message to say she was happy for me and my little family. i knew there was no letter or card coming in the mail, so i avoided the mailbox. it was a huge slap in the face and it made me realize, i no longer have her in my life.
i knew that when i moved out of state, that things would be different. people would miss out on mine, my husbands, and my childrens lives, as i would theirs. i couldn't be around them for christmas or birthdays, or go out to lunch with them any day or the week. but i never really expected every single family member to walk out of my life. it never really occurred to me that i stopped existing because i chose to grow up and marry the man i was head over heels in love with. distance did not make their hearts grow fonder, it made them forget. i have deleted all but maybe three family members off my facebook because there isn't a point to them watching our lives in pictures when they don't even bother to talk to us. not that everyone has time to live on facebook, but a card would be nice. it breaks my heart that i have no one to share my kids with but my husband, mom, dad, and i. i'm so tired of this "out of sight, out of mind" thing. i won't deal with it anymore. i refuse to be part of any holiday dinners when we move back. no one was here for me for Deployment, not one single person called to see how i was doing and if i needed anything. i think i got a card or two when Ryder was born but i have received nothing, of any sort, from anyone one of them on my daughter. i'll give my aunt Cathy some credit because she did send Mike a few care packages while he was over there. but other than her, no one even gave a fuck that my husband was fighting at war while his wife was 2,200 miles from home with a brand new baby by herself.
and then to be slapped in the face by my sister?
that's when i put an end to everything. and it really makes me not want to move back. as much as i miss my mom, i'm not sure it's worth the heartbreak. as much as i hated to, i have to give up the twins. hell, i haven't been in their lives for 2 years now, they have grown up and changed, and gotten over their "Bug". my sister can not take the time out to send me a measley text message saying congratulations, on her new niece, i find that so pathetic.
and of course my mom has every excuse in the book for her.
newsflash mom, she just doesn't give a shit anymore. if she ever did in the first place.
not to mention how angry it makes me that Mikes mom came out to meet my son, and has barely spoken to us since then. she doesn't ask for photos, or ask about Ryder, who grows and changes every day. didn't ask how much Lyvi weighed, or know when we even got home, havent talked to her in a week and when Mike did, it was about how "everyone you know is so happy for you"... when no one else bothered to text him but Patrick and Jon. it makes me most angry and sad for us and my son because. how can you fly out here to meet my child, and fly home and not care about him anymore? because that is exactly what has happened. she played us for fools. she said she wanted to skype once a month or so and get to see Ryder and when Lyvi got here, her as well. i had figured her and Mike would talk more often, she would call to "talk" to my son... something.... anything.
and we have gotten nothing, at all.
as much as it hurts me i know that i need to keep my chin up and build a better family for my son and my daughter. i have had people tell me how beautiful my daughter is, how much they love our little family, tell us congratulations, all over the country. i have had people i have never met, up early last Thursday morning awaiting a photo of my daughter on the computer screen. i know that more than one amazing woman lost sleep knowing Lyvia was coming. i had women that i have never met, praying and thinking about my family and i.
and my own sister didn't even care.

but, on to HAPPY stuff, as a closing paragraph. i'm sleepy and my bed is calling my name.
until my daughter wakes up. she sure loves her milkies!

Lyvia Jean has brown hair and blue eyes. and the sweetest little dimples that makes me that much more excited to see her real smile and hear her giggles. she is a swaddle baby! which puts all the swaddles Mimi bought, to good use. she's a sweet little girl but in the last week has learned a bit of sass. she's a bink sucker, when bubba isn't stealing it. she already laughs in her sleep, and sometimes snorts when she cries. she's such a snuggler, but she prefers daddy over mommy, which i don't mind at all, daddy deserves it. she's a tiny little precious thing, and looks adorable in everything! though i have to admit, she doesn't really strike me yet as a cowgirl, but we will just have to wait and see. she's an awesome sleeper, but has been starting to be awake more and more now. yay me for night times, lol.

Ryders personality has started to show more and more this week. he has been a tiny little terror, but shown me his loving side more often. it might also be because he likes pushing buttons with his dad. hes a great big brother. he rubs Lyvias head when shes crying, when she starts up he seems so concerned and goes to see whats wrong. he is mommy's big helper when it comes to diapers. if she is laying in the boppy he will crawl onto the couch and try to snuggle her. even though he's a little rough, he's learning. he steals her binks, but thats okay. he still plays a lot, and ignores her, but sometimes walks up to her and starts babbling a conversation. he seems so big now. not like a baby anymore whatsoever and that hurts me a lot. but i know i need to let him grow up when he wants to. he still loves mommy. :)  he has been talking a lot more and learning new words. today while we were eating he randomly grabbed a napkin and wiped his mouth. it was amazing! he learns so many new things by himself and i am amazed, i have no idea where he gets some of this stuff. and he LOVES to learn, which makes me even more proud.
so far, after getting him his new cd player, no more night time scares and wanting to sleep with mommy. which, of course i miss. he's really into light switches right now. and putting things, into other things. carries around an empty wipe box. i looooooove that he carries around his blankie everywhere, i have thought about keeping it upstairs only, but it's too cute not to have him carry it around. he still has his bink, and drinks out of bottles at night. he eats everything. there is seriously not one thing that kid doesn't like to eat! he's just amazing. there really is nothing more to it. <3

i am just soooooo in love with my doodlebugs!
i am the luckiest woman in the world to have them.
and be able to call them all mine! :D

now, i am considering starting a NEWWWWW blog as the start of my new life, with two babies.
hmmm, definately a good thing to think about.

-ks.