I, am a Marine Wife.
but i do not give anything more to the Marine Corps.
i love my husband and we have come such a long, long way in this world. and i am proud of the man he has become. next November, we will give life another chance, to hopefully get it right.
but i have earned my title. and i will forever claim it. the Marine Corps will forever be a part of us, but we will not let it define us.
i have been there since the first day Michael walked into the Recruiters office in Highland, Indiana.
i gave him the confidence to sign those papers, because he told me that it was what he wanted to do. i saw him swear in at MEPS, and i drove him to the Crown Point Recruiters office and saw him off in the white van going down, the day before he left.
I ate lunch with him right after he swore into the United States Marine Corps on November 2nd, 2009.
and i clung to him, and watched him off on that first white bus that took him to the airport in Indianapolis, to fly to the MCRD of San Diego.
i wrote him every single day that he was gone. i waited, faithfully, for a man that i had known for 3 months, while he was gone, for 3 months. i cried, i kept busy. and i flew to California, where it all began.
and where eventually, it will end.
back then, i thought that Boot Camp was the most difficult thing in my entire life. i look back now and laugh, as hard as i possibly can. i have kept all his boot letters, all whoppin lousy ten of them. as well as my 79 of them.
we went through a lot, just in boot camp. us barely knowing each other we had no idea where it would go. back home, people were telling me that he was writing them letters saying he didn't want to be with me. and in California, people were writing him letters discouraging me from being with him, and that i was cheating on him. i fought with his mother about the flight info so i could fly home with them, i was told that i would have to find my own ride back to my house from the airport because there wouldn't be room, and that he wouldn't want to see me much after not seeing "his boys"
i got a lot of shit from everyone while he was gone. that i shouldn't miss him because i barely knew him. how i was obsessive because i wrote him so much. that my plans to stick beside him and marry him one day were bogus. not ONE person believed in us.
and when i showed up on Family Day, arm in arm with Jovana, his face, lit up. we clung to one another and we both said at the same time, "please don't leave me."
after the letters he was getting, he didn't think i would be there.
and honestly, for awhile, i had no idea why i was. but, i was.
every fear that i had in my mind, were completely gone the next afternoon, when i walked up to him after his graduation, and he told me how much he loved me. how, instead of going with his mom and sister to their hotel room, he followed me to mine and Jovana's to help me pack.
how he held my hand through the airport.
wearing the same exact shirt that i brought him from home, that i am wearing at this very moment.
throughout boot camp, i wrote him, a lot. i didn't tell him how sad i was. i kept him happy, with updates from Indy, who was growing so fast, or silly things at work, i was always cheering him up. i would get love letters about how, he couldn't wait to bring me back out to San Diego and see the city lights with me, or sit on the beach, and how he wished i was there in his sleeping bag, looking at the stars.
i was always, always there for him and i didn't let anyone stand in my way. even my mom thought i as some love sick puppy, wanting the idea of a Marine man. even then, i had no one to lean on but Michael.
sitting on the plane from San Diego to Chicago, i was sitting between two men i had never met, while Mike sat up front, behind his mom and sister. i got to stare at the back of his head when he sat down. next to him, an elderly man, stood up. he grabbed his belongings and walked back to me. he smiled at me and told me, "there is nothing more important to a Marine than his girl standing behind him." and he thanked me. he asked me, to grab my things, and go sit next to my Marine. all the while, Michael smiling back at me. we spent the entire 4 and a half hour plan ride snuggled up together, kissing, and talking about all we missed. the entire time, his mom and sister whispering in front of us, clearly unhappy. when we got to Chicago, his friends Jon and Ryan were there to pick them all up. he had an Impala, and clearly, all the seats were taken. Mike didn't miss a beat, grabbing my hand, putting my things in the trunk, and pulling me on top of his lap. he was't going to let them hurt me like that. all my fears of those few days, had worked out perfectly. when i thought he was going to take his "family"'s said, he didn't. he proved so, so very much to me.
the next night there was a party at the dirty serbians house. things were getting to be too much for me. too much alcohol, everything i dealt with for three months, so, i basically shut myself down. Mike pulled me into the bedroom and sat me down to talk to me about it all. while, this was his and the guys party. everyone got mad at me, asking why i had to ruin everything, and couldn't talk to him later. well, when i drink, i think too much and hat's what happens. haha. so, half the party we were upstairs just talking. he was making me feel better about everything i went through and made sure i knew he wasn't going anywhere.
when his grandmother died, that's when things got really, really, really tough for us. we were doing perfectly fine, but when he got to Chicago and his friends picked him up, while i was at work, that's when it... ended. he was suppose to meet me at work when i got off at midnight. by 10 o clock i still hadnt heard from him, so i text his phone. no response. i waited another 45 minutes. still, nothing. so, i called. unanswered. so, i text one of his friends whom i thought i could trust. he told me that Mike didn't want to be with me anymore. that i had "disrespected his grandma" when i told his sister, when she called to tell me i wasn't allowed at the funeral, and if i showed up at her house she would call the police for trespassing, that the funeral wasn't about any of them, but i was going to be there for Mike. when someone dies, they're gone. the funeral isn't just for them anymore, but the people they left behind. anyway, i ended up driving to Hammond to meet with Steve to ask what the hell was going on, after work. we sat in my truck and he told me that when he got home, he didn't want anything to do with me. that he was done, wanted to break up, that he was drunk and had Kristine in his room, and when Steve told him that i was coming, he didn't answer. Steve told me that they were having sex. honestly, as naive as this is about to sound. i didn't feel like that was the truth. you know when something is wrong, especially with someone you love so much, you get that feeling in your gut? well, i had the gut feeling that this was all a joke. (oh gosh, remembering all of this is making me cry. not because i remember the hurt. but because i havent talked or thought about this in a long, long time and i can't believe, where we are now, it ever happened!) some days i wonder, like, really sit and wonder if it might have happened. i re went through all of those days while Mike was deployed, really hunting for something. because, i was unsure of our marriage. i wanted to relive all the bad times and decide if continuing on was going to be worth it. i tried for the next two days to get hold of him. the next night, he was apparently drunk again, and someone texted me from his phone, dumping me. i was at work, devastated. but, when i re read all the texts, i wasn't stupid. Mike never says, "for real" Steve is the only one that does. i got a text shortly after from another one of Mikes friends, Buddy, telling me that it wasn't Mike, Mike was passed out drunk, that Steve was telling me all of this.
the next day was Sunday. again, i was at work, i closed. he texted me telling me that he would come by later for his things. but when i asked what things, i mean, i had a shit ton of his shit at my house, like, half his wardrobe? he told me he wanted this photo album, that was completely blank, that his friend gave him before boot camp... something he could have went to Meyer for that cost about $15. so, i was ready. well, by ready i mean, i came straight home and got drunk to the point i couldn't feel any emotions when i saw him. his friends drove him, but we went for a walk. i thought, all of this, was hilarious. ohhh, alcohol. when i asked him why he was leaving me he made up excuses like, "well, i just don't want this anymore." that "he didn't want me waiting around" annnd, crap. as we were walking i turned to him and i told him that i wanted him to kiss me. he just stared at me. so, i laid one on him, hard. we ended up making out and groping each other in the middle of a pitch black trail, but it didn't go farther because he "didn't want to lead me on" so, in the end, he told me that he still loved me, that he would always love me, no matter what. and that, while he was in town, we would say our goodbyes, have our final "oorah" (oh, i crack myself up.) and when he went back to North Carolina, that would be it. first, what a crock of shit that turned out to be! the entire week, he blew me off, ignored my texts, and failed to see me. but, i wasn't giving up.
i kept telling myself that "it was ended, but far, far from over." i booked myself a plane ticket for the following weekend. if it was really going to be over, don't blow me off. be a man and tell it to my face. i figured, that if this was it, we needed at least the time, alone, together, with no other influences around us, to work it out, say goodbye, so i had closure. i was so sick of the damn break ups that were so difficult to get over because it was a "were done" and stop talking thing. i wasn't about to do that to myself again. i didn't expect to see him before he left. but a few nights before he left, i decided to be the skank i am, and send him dirty photos. shit, if this was ending, i was still extremely attracted to him, might as well get some dick out of it right? so, he told me to come over. i drove to Hammond at like, 2am, to sit in my truck, under a street lamp, wrapped in a damn care bear blanket, having sex with this guy that had been ignoring me all week. seriously?! yeah, no i don't set myself up to get my heart broke, ever! what an idiot. but, it turned out okay. he told me that he loved me before going back inside. it was a whole, hour little booty call, on MY part mind you. and i think he funniest part was sneaking out of my house, my mom catching me, and knowing EXACTLY what i was about to go do. oh, mom. but anyway!!! that apparently made him want more. but with him sneaking out that night, his friends got pissed and did't want him seeing me i ended up getting off at might the night before he left to go back. i was bugging to come see him, and he wanted to see me. for more booty? more than likely. well, through all that shit, i'm glad he still wanted to fuck me. :rolls eyes: so, he said to meet at his house, again, at like 3am. i had to work at 7 the next morning.
i pull up to his house and send his cell a text saying i was outside. he told me to unlock the door, and keep the truck running. about, ohhh, five minutes later i see this shadow, all minion like, running down his drive way. he hops in and tells me to drive, and drive fast. so, i did. not five minutes later his phone was blowing up. he seriously had to sneak out of his own house because his friends didn't want him to see me and were watching him like a hawk. steeeeeealth moooooode. so, we just go to my house and i grab Indy so we could walk him. we go around the park and Indy kept walking around the two of us, bringing us close to together. yes, like a sappy love movie. and he was playing music on his phone. the stupid song that goes, "nobody wanna see us together, but that don't matter nooo, cuz i got you." and "i'm at war, fightin for the one that i love and the one that i truely need." i mean come on... seriously? and he still didn't want to be together. uhm yeah, okay. well, we ended up having sex in the truck again, and again, contaminating those poor care bears. we wrote goodbye letters like we always do, that hadn't changed. and, i took him home. at like, 6am. he kissed me goodbye and told me he would never forget me, and told me that he loved me. i sat there as he creeped back up the driveway. and then, he was gone.
flash forward to about 9 days after that. as SOON as Mike had gotten to the airport, after ditching his friends, we were texting like nothing happened. i mean, of course i couldn't just let all that go, but whatever. i told him i was coming to see him and he got excited. as the week went on and him not wanting to get back together, still, my parents took me to the airport, his skateboard strapped to my carry on, i felt so, so sick to my stomach. i arrived in North Carolina while he was still in classes and had a van from the hotel, bring me to my room. i sat there for almost 2 hours for him to come. finally he told me he was at the hotel, i went out to meet him, he ran to me and scooped me up. oh, why hello friend of mine! pft. he dropped his bags in my room, (yes, he planned to stay the whole weekend with me, his... friend with benefits??) and we started walking. we went to some mexican restaurant, and.. within an hour of him seeing me, sitting across the table, him smirking the entire time, he told me how sorry he was, and that he wanted me back. well, duh! but, that was a good start to our weekend.
i tried my best to not be angry at what he just put me through. i enjoyed my time in Jacksonville, and i let it all soak in on the plane ride home. i cried, i let it all out, about what had just happened. but, i was so, so happy to have my boyfriend back. despite it all.
while i was there, we talked about the future. he told me that he "had something in mind but couldnt tell me for sure because he didnt know how the Marine Corps worked." and we talked about marriage. he could never tell me if we were going to get married. he said he wanted to. but he would always give him his stupid, "mayyybe" or "someday" lines. we were not safe during sex whatsoever. that was always Michaels mind game with me. him saying he wasn't ready for a baby, or wasn't sure if he wanted one, ever, but he liked to risk it. that he knew he would be with me forever, so, why not? it was the biggest fuck with my head i have ever been through. a few weeks after getting back together, i told him i was tired of trying to figure everything out. he wanted me to move to his duty station with him, without being married first. i was over the age of 21, and i wanted to apply to be a Hobart officer, but him pushing and pulling me around wasn't helping my life, at all. i would gladly put it aside to marry him and move with him. but to move without the commitment? even i wasn't that nuts. and him not telling me anything, really got to me. so, one night. i was fed up. i told him he had two choices. to marry me and have me move across the country with him, or to lose me, move on, let me go so i could make something of myself. we got into an argument and i hung up on him.
about two hours later he called me back, he talked quiet. but he told me he made his decision. i asked him what he decided and he was silent for a second and then spoke. he said, "i can't live without you. i'm scared of marrying you but i'm scared of not, even more. so, will you marry me?"
and then the silence was my turn.
now, my mother in law and sister in law have read that above paragraph and in their eyes, i forced him to marry me. but honestly, i haven thought about it many, many times. i didn't. he could have clearly walked away from me. he didn't have to marry me, i gave him a choice. he chose not to live without me.
but, in the end, i said yes.
my mom and i prepared for a month. we set our date as May 29th, 2010. which was, a little less than 30 days after our fight and his decision. the rings were ordered i found my dress, we invited my dads side of the family, the people who most support me, and arranged his flight home for memorial day weekend. because o the holiday, we couldn't go to the courthouse. and because the courthouse was closed, we also couldnt obtain a marriage license. my friend Ashley, told me that in Michigan, only one person had to be present for the marriage license. so, up to Michigan i went. i met with an officiate and picked my ceremony, alone. by the time Mikes plane landed i was waiting for him, my truck loaded with weekend things, my dress and makeup, the cabin awaiting us in New Buffalo, and his ring in my pocket.
his mom, nor his friends knew that we were getting married, that didn't know we were engaged for a month. they did not know that Michael had flown into Chicago on the morning of May 29th. and this was entirely his decision. i had contemplated back and forth on telling his mom and sister, and two close friends. but, i didn't. this was something Mike had chosen for us, and i accepted it. and, it was the way i wanted it to.
we had a beautiful ceremony. the sun was shining, he looked as handsome as ever, and the beautiful Lake Michigan was less than half a mile away. we became husband and wife and sealed our lives with a kiss. photos were taken, we all went to dinner, and we spent the weekend in the cabin, mostly naked, and at the beach. well, not naked at the beach but you know what i meant. lmao.
right after the ceremony, we updated our facebooks.
okay, okay you caught me. it was in the middle of the darn thing, before the cake was cut and everything.
and we threw our phones in the room. people were blowing his up! and on the way to dinner he kept getting texts on how disappointed people were in him. even his ex called and told him how "uncool" of a thing that was to do to everyone. we enjoyed the weekend to ourselves and stopped by his moms house on the way to the airport.
that woman seriously, lunged at me. and called me a bitch, telling me that this was all my idea, and fault. Mike stepped between us and stood up for me, saying it was his idea. of course word got around to his friends like a wildfire, and they popped up at his house. it was hat day that i realized how invisible i really was. standing in the kitchen, the only one talking to me was Stephanie. they all wanted to see him off but he told them that i was his wife now and that was my duty, that for once, this was my time.
i went to Jacksonville for his 23rd birthday.
i was the only one that ever went anywhere to see him. other than California where his mom and sister went. and his sister spent the entire time back at the hotel making out with some guy she had just met, or acting like Mike's girlfriend. and his mom staring at us awkwardly.
i spent $400 on my ticket, every time. three times i went to see him. in a span of January-July.
while his friends Ryan and Jon told him they would see his graduating and take a road trip to North Carolina to see him.
two strikes, right there.
we fought a lot when he was home right before he left. when he first got home i was shocked that no one was around. i stayed at his house, instead of mine, spending time with my mom before i moved to Twentynine. he got a few things done before people realized he was here, and leaving soon, with his wife. the day he graduated from MOS school and flew home what the first day we started trying for a baby. July 14th, 2010. we had 2 weeks of him being home before we drove cross country. in only took a few days for it to all fall apart. i was still working until a few days before we left. July 23rd to be exact, the day Southlake 23 retired. one day when i was off, we were all chillen around the pool. Kelly, is a girl that his friend Jon use to date. Mike always told me that he saw her as a sister. but, it seemed to me that they were being TOO friendly. when we were in the pool, they kept pushing each other around, while i just floated there. and when i was at work, they hung out. i tried letting it go. i didn't want to be that crazy jealous wife. but i didn't think it right for him to hang out with some female, while i was at work. i mean, i know for a fact he never wanted me hanging out with guys by myself. i finally told him no more after she text me asking if she could "borrow my husband for a day".... uhm. no! what the hell?! but, he seemed to understand.but, the week just got worse. instead of getting things done that was needed, he just dicked around with his friends. so, after i left my job, it was up to me to get things done. i packed everything into boxes and we threw it all in his driveway to be sorted, Alexis and me. my mom knew we were trying for a baby so she send us with 5 girl outfits, and 5 boy outfits. Jon saw them in my things and asked what the hell they were there for and i told him, we were trying for a baby. and Mike got mad. he didn't see how it was anyones business. while i, was super excited.
earlier that week we had our going away party. when we drove to the mall to get him something to wear, he sat in my passenger seat and told me, after a week of trying for a baby, that he didn't want to anymore. that there was no discussing it, he changed his mind and he didn't want a baby anytime soon. i was crushed. here, we have never been completely safe, he's always "risked" it... it all started 2 weeks after we met. and now when we sit down to try, and he tells me to start on prenatal vitamins, he tells me that we're done trying, before we really even started?! and he said it like, "oh hey, i ate a ham sandwhich today"... sitting in the parking lot of the mall, in my truck. really? i start crying. i threw my keys at him and ran from him, through the corridors. he followed me. i hated him. i did, i hated him. i didn't want to move with him, nothing. i was pissed. i called my mom to tell her i wasn't coming to the party, and shut my phone off. Mike told her what was going on. i went into Aero and picked something out for him and walked back to the truck, and drove home
we went to the party.
i thought about it, the entire party. i was surrounded by babies and kids. i wanted one of my own. wanted one with my new husband. my aunt pulled me aside and told me to wait, a cousin gave us condoms, and my other aunt, whom i want to strangle, started talking crap about us, and how we were line jumping and wasnt our turn for marriage or kids. well, if i wasnt stuck in a family with losers who will never get married, maybe that would make sense?
that night i drove back to Mikes and we were laying on the couch. he kept pulling his hand away from my stomach to make a baby bump. i turned around and slugged him, asked him what he was doing. and he smiled and told me that "we were next" in line for babies. that he changed his mind and he DID want a baby now. (see what i mean with the mind games?) so, back to trying it was!
the night before we left, i almost decided i didn't want to go with him. i told him that he could have people over to drink but he needed everyone gone by 1, and not much drinking for him because we needed to wake up early enough to tell my mom goodbye before she went to work. he told me that was fine. yeah, apparently it wasnt.
all his friends came over with 50 cans of beer, the dirty serbian, whom flat out told Mike he hoped i fuckin died (long story), was there and Mike didnt care to tell him to leave. they all acted like retards, and put on their uniforms and bullshitted. Mike drank way too much and 3am was rollin around, and guys were still there. i was pissed, because this was ruining what i wanted, and needed. and he knew it. i was furious. i couldn't stand him, he was treating me like shit all fucking week, and i was about to run away with him?! i wanted to scream.
(looking back now, i'm still mad. but i guess i'm glad Mike could have one night left with them, to drink and say goodbye. seeing as we will never be friends with them again. yeah, i WILL have that my way.)
but, it all worked out. my mom called off work and we got to say goodbye. we got off to a late start, but i had high hopes for our journey. i bawled my eyes out clinging to my mom, she gave me a goodbye letter, knowing Mike always gave them to me, and we were off. that was hat, no looking back.
the roadtrip here was... well, it was eventful.
when we went to pick up Parsons, i lost my cat.
i was also threatened that night because Mikes dumbass left me with no keys and our car blocking a driveway.
our car overheated, A LOT. we had to blast the heat half the trip. it was end of July, in the desert. yeaaaaah. our car broke down.
we didn't sleep in a hotel, and didn't shower for 3 days.
we had a dog breathing down our necks 90% of the time. he was hot too, and sure as fuck let us know.
we had our entire lives packed in boxes on a piece of shit trailer.
though, i am thankful that Eli strapped it down well enough that we didn't lose anything along the way, winning our bet with everyone left in Indiana.
oh, and we didn't have a house yet. so, Motel 6 it was!
things were really rocky for us when we got here. we didn't really know each other that well and stepped on a lot of toes. we did end up finding a house a few days after being here, and ended up getting screwed over a few months later but, thats another story for another day. he still acted like a "single" man and had Neu and Parsons over whenever he felt like it. when i was so, so tired of always hanging out with his friends, i just wanted our "newlywed" time. and they would show up unannounced. we had the "Sexting" incident, which, i am mostly over by now. we fought, all the time. i hated him, and constantly wonder why i had ever married him, and moved out here. i just wanted to go home. and get far, far away from him.
we found out we were pregnant on Friday the 13th. and despite his anger about people knowing we were trying, he was ecstatic. he sent a picture of the pee stick to everyone he knew. it was nice, actually having something in common to talk about, something between the two of us. since he didn't read, and i didn't care about motorcycles. i had hoped that it would bring us closer.
before Mike left for Deployment, i didn't want to be with him any longer. he was still letting his friends and family hurt me, abuse me, say mean things. i was disrespected by him and half the people he knew. i was so unhappy. we barely talked about the baby, until we found out that SHE was a HE. he didn't really, acknowledge any of it. thinking back now, it was obvious that he didn't want to be too involved because it would seem real to him for a long, long time. we moved into 801, and set everything up, then had to RE set everything up. his mom and sister came and that was a total disaster, and then... he was gone.
when Michael left for Afghanistan, i wanted a clean slate. i wanted to start over. i let all the hard feelings go. i kissed him goodbye and told him to be safe. i cried as the bus drove off. i waited nights for that first phone call, and then even longer for the one that he was safe in country. i waited to go into labor with his son... all i ever did was wait.
exactly 3 weeks after my husband left for war, our beautiful son was born. though i had Amber with me, the fact that my husband wasn't there, just was not okay. while in the hospital, recovering from a C Section, i didn't think about it much. but as soon as i brought Ryder home, to an empty house, without Michael, it really hit me. it was hard. fuck, i thought everything we had already gone through was tough. i really, had no idea.
the beginning part of Deployment was rough. i wanted to go home, he wasn't being who i needed him to be. he didn't understand, he was too far away, the list goes on. but towards the end, things got really good again. we skyped with the baby a lot, i got cute emails, i couldnt wait for him to come home. Homecoming was the single most stressful, but exciting day of our lives. though i had wanted to start over when he left, i knew now was the time for us to clean everything up and vanish the past. though it was hard the first month and a half, i can honestly say now, we have a hang of it all.
(i have been writing this for the past 2 hours and i'm exhausted.)
looking back today, i have no idea who that boy i met, is. i don't think he likes hearing that but the moment he held his son for the first time, he became a man. he became a husband, finally. i think i realized all this the last few weeks, while i have been trying to better myself and be happy and thankful for being alive. and a lot today, when i realized he grew up BIG when i decided i can't remember the last time he talked in sound effects and car noises. other than to Ryder of course. we have come such a long, long way that all the bad stuff means so very little. instead of thinking or talking about the things we can not change, the last few weeks we have been talking about the future. who we think our kids will be, how we want to raise them, the kind of house we want. all our hopes and dreams. we have been able to laugh with each other, and pick on one another, instead of getting angry, or ignoring each other. he has once again made me feel alive. a feeling i haven't felt in a really, really long time. he has realized that, his mom, sister, and friends hurt me. and i know it wasn't easy, but for now, they aren't in our lives. i understand that it's hard for him to see things my way, but he knows they aren't good for our children. he knows i only want whats best for them, always. i am no longer terrified to return back to indiana, or the drama that will be there. i trust my husband completely, with everything. and i know he will handle things the way they need to be, for his family. he isn't like who he use to be and i am so, so proud of him the hurt he has caused me is a far thing in the past. and though we fight and i have doubts from time to time, it's really my shield so i don't get hurt again. all i have ever known in my life, is hurt. but that ended the day i turned 23, and knew i needed to do something in order to survive.
all i have is myself. i have my beautiful son and baby to be, i have my husband that loves me more than anything. the man that made life make sense, make me find myself, and has given me the two most precious gifts i couldn't have even dreamt of. i asked him last week if, something happened to us and we got divorced. if somewhere down the line, i could make him fall in love with me again. he told me that, i wouldn't even have to. today i asked him, if i was 33 years old, and died, like my aunt did, if he would be remarried like my uncle is. he didn't even have to think about it. he said no. that wasn't even a possibility in his mind. because if i have things my way, he's going to have to chase 5 kids away, and be double parents, and he doesn't understand how i do it with one. he can look me in the eye and tell me i'm beautiful, even when i know i look terrible. i told him i couldn't believe in may we will have been married for 2 years and he told me it feels like we have just been this way forever. and in a way, it has. so much that, as much as the beginning of us shaped our lives and formed what we are, right now, i don't remember any of it. all i can remember if the time we have spent together with our son. how he wakes up in the middle of the night for him, so i can sleep. or gets up with him on weekends, so i can sleep in. how he always wants what's best for us and protects his family. how he can change a diaper in front of everyone and his command without even thinking twice, and he always has an extra binky in his pocket, just in case. how he supports my book addiction, and feeds into it, but doesn't say a word, just buys me another damn bookshelf. Michael Patrick has come so far. he has grown up and changed, so much. i still can not listen to Tim McGraw's "Better Than I Use To Be" without thinking of him. and i know now that i really worry for no reason. that he would never do anything to jeopardize his wife and children. i have long ago stopped thinking that he would leave me for another woman. even if, right now, my sex drive is low and i don't want sex much, or i don't wear makeup or do my hair, or wear his clothes instead of mine. i know his eyes don't wander, and his heart never will. i have stopped checking his phone for text messages from people that i don't like, because i don't even care anymore. Michael is Michael because of Ryder, Bean, and i. and the four of us, is all each other needs. nothing else matters in this world except for my little family of four. or, seven. however you think about it. i am finally where i want to be in life.
Michael and i are not at "stage three" in marriage. we have gotten through the honeymoon stage, as quickly as that was passed up. we are passed the stage of cute little notes and flowers and sweet things. even though, honestly, yeah, those days never really happened. we have gotten through our first pregnancy and the horomones. we are comfortable enough to talk to one another while pooping, i can let him know, when i am about the poop, and i can fart on him anytime that i want. the stage two of comfy-ness. and we are in the stage three. the parent stage. we o longer buy things for each other, we buy things for our kids. if we want something for ourselves, we wait for it, or buy it right there. we're always thinking on baby time, and the things we need for Ryder or Bean that we always overlook ourselves. we are exhausted, so no late nights out. or movies where you're falling asleep in the middle, or rolling over and not so much snuggling anymore. i buy him underwear and he buys me my latest craving. we don't talk about him and i any longer, but our two children. and i love it. i have gotten over the stages we might have missed, and settled into this, comfortable old blanket that is us. it's a little tattered and torn here and there, but it's like that, because of the three of us. ups and downs and curveballs. ahh, so wonderful to feel like this, finally. the only feeling i have been searching my entire life for. <3
-ks.
