nineteen.

why, why, why?!?!
it's a Sunday afternoon, and i'm laying on the couch, reading a book while Ryder naps and Mike plays Assassins Creed. when i get a picture message from Buddy.
Buddy is the one friend of Mikes that has always been there for him, and us. he asked how i was and how Ryder was during Deployment, he emailed Mike and was encouraging. i've never had a problem with him, and he has always had my back.
i had to save the photo to my phone to make it bigger to read it.
it was a screen shot of Sable's facebook, a girl from Indiana. she hung around with Mike's friend and stayed in Mike's room because no one wanted her. i guess she's dating Chris now. i have had every single on of them blocked since the beginning of Deployment. i deleted all their numbers from my phone, and i did the same to Mike's when he got back. even Mike's mom and sister he hasn't talked to in over a month.
the status said, "kimmy nelson should die and burn in hell, she is a no good whore and loves to be a total bitch to people she supposedly loves well i feel better now."
as much as i tried not to, tears fell down my face. Mike kept asking what was wrong until he took my phone and read it himself.
i just don't understand. why, why would someone say that about me? someone i haven't talked to in a very long time. when i have had them blocked for months, they can't see or read anything about my life. i did this on purpose. i know that my husband hasn't talked to any one of them, since he got home, other than Jon and Ryan one night. what the fuck did i even do, to anyone, to deserve this year after year after year? i am so tired of this, it's exhausting.
i know that i am a good person. i know that i'm an amazing wife to Michael and the perfect mother to Ryder and Bean. i know i deal with a lot of things, i more than likely shouldn't. i am doing nothing but sitting here, bettering myself and bettering my marriage, and being all that i need to be for the boys. so, that will never change.

but, time has passed as i typed this and i have been talking to Buddy and Crystal. they have been sticking up for me and i can't tell you how much it is for them to do that. Buddy and Chris were always the closest too. so for him to be saying what he has been, just makes all this a lot better. he's right though. Mike is a big boy and can talk to who he wants to. regardless of me. Chris was saying that every time Mike is online with xbox, he leaves. Mike has played video games a handful of times since he has been home. he isn't a single fucking man anymore, you idiots. he has a baby to take care of. and when Ryder goes to bed, theres things he needs to do as well. he GREW UP. as Mike and i were talking, i mean, seriously?! they blame me for taking him from them. he joined the flipping Marine Corps. with or without me he would still be gone, still Deployed, and still have better things to do than get drunk like you. do these people not understand what it is to be a man, get married, and have a family?! this is the sole reason why i do not ever want to set foot in indiana again. but i'm no longer afraid to because i know Mike has my back and will do what he can to protect me and our babies. Mike is a grown ass man and i'm too exhausted to watch over his shoulder at the things he does.

why can't i just be invisible to them? i have dealt with this bullshit for going on three years. they're cut from our lives, and have been for 10 months, i just don't get it. but, knowing i have Mike and Buddy and Crystal, and my son to make me feel so alive, i don't need this. but i swear it needs to stop.

thank you everyone, for having my back. :)