twenty three.

today. 
we found out the sex of our second baby. we're having a little BABY GIRL!
Lyvia Jean will be making her appearance at the end of July. :)
the entire experience of today was better than anything i could have expected. i got to see our beautiful baby, that was sleeping the whole time, move around. and hear her heartbeat. it was so calming and relaxing, and i didn't have to leave Ryder! and before i knew it she pointed and said it was a girl. i stared at it, or. lack there of, of an "it" and made her triple check and told her what happened last time. she explained to me the three lines, or dots.. made up a vagina. i still don't know if i believe her, but she promised me. and said that if Naval said something different, to have them call her. i guess my situation happened more than once with women going there. so, for now. i'll trust her. no second guessing. and i'll hang onto a few boy items.

to my son and daughter:

1. Mommy Loves you.
there is no denying how much i love both of you.
Ryder, i can not look at you each day without getting tears in my eyes at some moment in time. your laugh, your cry, your curiosity with new things, old things, random things. watching you brave yourself to take a step. i know that you will in due time. you're the most precious little being i have ever laid my eyes upon. i look up to you so much, even though you are so little. you have given me hope in this world, a reason to live, breathe, and love with everything that i have. you are everything i could have ever wanted.
Lyvia, i can only hope to share as many precious memories with you throughout your life. i get to experience the "baby steps" with you, as i did your big brother. i get to have my breathe taken away from my soul, one more time. i get to teach you things, as i did Ryder. and i know that your big brother will teach you everything you need to know. show you how to get into Mommys cabinets, and get under her skin. i know the two of you will be close in age and i can only hope you guys get along. most of the time, of course.
i will always love the two of you. no matter where i am, what mess you make, how many time outs i put you in. no matter how big you grow up, how many times your forget your homework, or hurt my feelings without meaning to. i will always love you each in your own special way, but that will never mean that i love one or the other more. you both, are what keep me alive, and give my life purpose. without either of you, i have no idea where i would be.

2. No Matter Where You Go...
always remember that long road home. i left and moved to the other side of the country with your dad when i was 21 years old. and i know being so far away has hurt Mimi. but, we get to talk everyday. at least, promise Mommy that. there are so, so very many moments in this world that you mind find yourself in. whether it be a career, a man or a woman, or a silly little pipe dream, go. spread your wings and give life a chance. but no matter what, you will always have a home, wherever i am. i will leave the porch light a glow, and a map in your glove compartment. there is no other place, but home.

3. No Matter Who You Might Be...
you're going to be amazing. as long as you are determined and driven, and do it with all your heart. no matter what you want to do with your life, do it. give it everything you have, and never stop trying. when you stop fighting, you start dying. don't ever let anyone tell you that you can not do something. that is the biggest lie the world will tell you. and i never want to see you lose that sparkle in your eye over something you really love, because of something that someone said. please, don't ever do that.

4. No Matter Where We Live...
i promise that the two of you, and any other siblings down the road, have your own little private place that is only yours. and that you will have the things you want and need, always.

5. There Is No One Else...
that will ever be more proud of you, than i am. and i promise to always tell you so, every chance that i get. i promise to always encourage you, with everything that i have. i will never be too wrapped up in anything else to stop and talk to you, or listen to you, or do anything for you. the two of you will come first, always. you two will always be my everything, always.

i dread the days that i no longer have to carry a binkie around in my pocket, that i don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to get a bottle and change diapers. the day that i'm no longer handed drawings from my children to put on the fridge. where bed time stories arent wanted, and i have to sneak in at night to kiss them, because mommy kisses are too icky. where waiting at the bus stop "isnt cool" anymore. or even worse, high school. i love my kids. more than anything i have ever loved in my entire life. i was nothing before i gave birth to Ryder, i no longer feel that way. if there is nothing else i do with my life, i know that i birthed and raised two beautiful babies, and that they are mine. and as long as i'm living.
my babies they'll be.

-ks.