sixteen.

lately, it seems like my life has turned around.
and i am determined to keep things that way.

these past few days have really been wonderful, just Ryder and i. i love having him sleep with me in bed again, breaking the rules, and him absolutely hogging all of my space. i like the him and i time at night, to giggle and laugh and read stories. knowing that my time won't end with him at 1630 every night. i don't know, i just like it him and i sometimes. it's really nice. he lifts my spirits. and sometimes i don't mine Mike being away. since that is what i'm so use to anyway. it's just been an awesome few days with my little buddy. it's just a small reminder of why i became a mother, and now, will have two perfect little babies. he is now curled up in blankets on Mikes side of the bed, waiting for mommy's snuggles.
but we're excited to see daddy, of course.

right before my birthday, i sent an email to Monique. through all the hard times we have had, going through the things i had been going through, i needed a friend. i knew that i was going to make the most of my twenty third year. and in doing so, i needed to realize what was important to me, and that also included who. it hurts me, a lot. because steven and mike were close. and in mo and i's friendship falling apart, it kind of made theirs too. but i had been thinking about her a alot. her and i, all deployment, were like sisters. we hung out everyday and we were there for one another through it all. sure, we're going to fight. that's what families do. so, i decided to tell her how i felt. after waiting a week, she replied. we decided that when she got back into town, we would meet for lunch.
we decided to get pizza, like we always do. we talked, for 10 hours. not so much about what happened between us, but the things we have missed. and honestly, it felt like we didn't even skip a beat. everything fell right back into place. i know that i need to push aside the different ways we live, and the way we think. but i think we realized how much we need each other. our little fall out was like, a big break up. it was a build up of everything falling apart in my life and running away from it all. but not having one another, in a way, effected our marriage. i didn't want to email her until i knew i could handle life, my marriage, and everything else. i was honestly afraid for tonight. but, it was all back to normal. we caught up, played with Ryder, and talked about our futures. i am looking forward to what the future holds for both our families. hopefully, together! :)

she also made me realize even more tonight, who is and isn't important in my life. a few nights ago, i deleted a lot of my family off my facebook. i don't see a point in keeping them involved in my life when we no longer talk. why just look at photos of my family, but not wish me a happy birthday, or congratulate me on our second baby? yet, invite me to a stupid event that i obviously can not attend, nor would i if i had the choice. my sister is a step away from being deleted as well, seeing as her and i don't talk either. my "family" has become a Christmas card here, a check for my birthday here. and it no longer makes me sad. it is, what it is. and i refuse to let that affect my life any longer. my mom says, "oh you're just out of sight, out of mind right now. when you move back it'll be better." but why in gods name should i settle for that, or my family? i can't stand it anymore! my brother hasn't talked to me in over 4 years, no one else seems to care about me or my life. and instead of letting that upset me, its just going to make my life better.

maybe moving out here wasn't such a mistake. it's opened my eyes to so much. i have never been so judged by people that were close to me, until i up and moved. especially, my mother. as much as i love her, she really has made all of this rather difficult. and it's really taking its toll on me. nothing i ever do seems to please her. she honestly told me she was disappointed i was pregnant again, when it was no secret to be had that this was our plan. when i wanted to move home, she made up every excuse in the book as to why i couldn't. whether it be my two kids, my big dog, or my idiot asshole brother moving back. if it wasn't one thing it was another. even moving back for a few months before we find our house she complains about. it really, really pisses me off that she uses Indy as an excuse. every time, it's always my dog. well mother, i will choose my dumb dog over you anyday. he's my family, and i refuse to abandon any part of my family because you don't even know him! she bases him being a puppy and her not giving a fuck about him, on who he is now. she "doesn't want him tearing up her house" when, he hasn't chewed up anything or had any accident in well over a year now. he's my protector and i couldn't have made it through Deployment without him. and the fact that he's always, always, always the deciding factor on visits, means that we're never going "home" to visit. it's really sad that, because i have a family, which includes dogs, that she makes it hard for me to come visit. while my brother, who is 26, has nothing, is free to come back, no questions asked. but then again, i should have known all of this when i left. and here i am, living my own life, and that still isn't good enough. how many children i want is "too many", what my house dreams consist of is "too much", the names i like for this baby aren't "normal" enough, or too babyish when they're older. never, ever good enough. my reasons for wanting to come home weren't good enough, what i ever wanted to do in life, was never good enough either. she tells me she's proud of me and i don't really know of what, since everything i ever do never seems like enough.

she did all she could for me growing up and now that i'm a mother myself, i guess it's high time to move the hell on, and not count on her for anything. but i know that, when my 22 year old son or daughter call me crying, telling me how unhappy they are, i'm going to tell them that i love them, and to come home. and bring whoever they love with them. being judged my entire life, and never fitting in with my family, i can't see that as a bad thing anymore. it just makes me a better mother and makes me understand what i need to do for my children. and i'm going to be a happier person doing it.

i know that my children, won't always cooperate with me. they might not have the same dreams as i have for them. we will more than likely never see eye to eye. but whatever they decide in life, i'm going to support them. i'm going to do everything that i can for them, all of them, all god damned five of them. and i can't wait for that. i am done with people judging me, they can suck my dick. yes, i said it.  if i continue to live everyone elses life, i'm never going to be happy. i need to put my foot down and stand the fuck up. and that's what i plan to do. from now on.

welcome to my new life.

-ks.