turn the page.
this week, has been really really difficult for me. i haven't been able to blog about it until now because i don't want to admit my failure. i am still in shock over everything. but finally, we have decided to start the next chapter, and i can learnt o let go of this place.
last Wednesday i received an email telling me that i was no longer fit to be a tumbling teacher.
on Tuesday, i teach a 2 year old tiny tots class. i asked if i could bring my son and they said that wasn't a problem. i had an amazing mom of one of the girls in the class watch Lyvi during that hour. that mom did let me know that her daughter had a rough night and was taking an early nap and wouldnt be at class that day. i showed up, for no one else to come. this wasn't the first time this has happened. a few weeks ago, after taking over two of Melissas students and her Friday class, i did the same. however, i had dropped of my children at the sitter, put Ryder through that traumatic incident, just to sit in the studio for 20 minutes for no one to show up. when i asked Willow about it the week after, she told me that those two girls had switched to dance, and no one else had signed up for that class, so she knew this and still had me come... for what reason? that frustrated me, a lot. but after it happening again on Tuesday, i posted on my facebook that i was frustrated because both babies were having a bad day and no one even let me know that they were not going to be there. them, being parents themselves, should understand dragging any small child anywhere for no reason. it's also common courtesy to call and let anyone know they will be absent, and it's mandatory in schools, is it not?
after that happened, i messaged one of the girls moms, asking if her daughter was still taking my tumbling class. she was rarely there, popped in and out, i never knew what to expect. i simply asked her that if her daughter was going to be absent to please let me know next time so i didn't have to get the kiddos ready. thats all it said. she called the studio to withdraw her daughter from class and told Willow that i was rude to her in a message on facebook. there was absolutely no rudeness, whatsoever. also, she had taken her daughter out of Melissas class because she had told me that her daughter didn't like the teacher and she was mean, and let another student bully her daughter. and then she takes her from my class and puts her back where she started? shouldn't that raise a red flag somewhere?
in the email she told me that my complaining in social media was in no means okay about students not showing up to class. that a parent complained how rude i was to her and took her daughter from my class, and she didn't want more parents upset. that mother also told me that she didn't want her daughter in a free for all play time class like mine.
this is funny, if you think about it.
the class is filled with two year olds. quite a few of which are not potty trained. if you, as the parent, can not train your child to pee in a toilet, how can you expect them to listen to me, and me train them to be tumblers? two year olds do not listen to their parents, how are they going to listen to me? two, by all means, is far too young for a serious class as that. i was teaching them shapes and colors and numbers, animals, to share and clean up. along with tumbling. i got compliments every week from one mom, and i saw her daughter completely blossom from class. i didn't really understand what anyone expected from a class of toddlers. i was working with what i was given!
she also said in the email that i was not a positive person.
this, i think. is what got to me the most.
working with Melissa never suited me at all. we teach, completely different. it was like my mom, and Coach Lisa. both wonderful gymnastics coaches, but in completely different ways. a lot of times i went home from class broken hearted at how she treated a little girl. once, after tumbling on the hard floor, a little girl bopped her head and started crying. when, after a minute or two, she didn't completely stop crying, she was told to go home. and she never came back. i wanted to hug that little girl. there were other times where they have cried and Melissa just tells them that they're fine.
i treat the girls i coach, as i treat my own children. i don't coddle too much but i make sure they really are okay, give them a hug, and ask them to try again. i treat the girls as i would want my daughter treated, not yelled at or belittled. that really takes a blow to a young girls self esteem. sure if might make them a good tumbler, but what is that really? i tell the girls i am proud of them and encourage them, give them confidence. while all she seems to do was tell them their leg wasn't straight, or toe pointed. it just, wasn't fit for me. but i was doing it for my children, and the money for our future.
the last sentence of the email was complaining about me being too "lax" in my classes. such as my toddler class? because when i helped out on Thursdays i walked in, kept my mouth shut, and did what i was asked of, or told to do. i didn't sit down and watch, or point and direct. i helped to spot the girls, i would condition them when i was asked, i set up the way she asked me to. i took over the classes twice so she could get a break and enjoy her ball. of course things were different, i am not the main teacher, i was a substitute. doesn't anyone remember what its like to have a sub in class?! it just really, really bothers me. and i know i shouldn't let it.
i don't think any of this should have ever been handled this way, at all. if i had a complaint, why was i not pulled aside and spoken to and let it be known that i needed to step up, help more, teach differently? she was always there on Tuesdays, i'm sure she watched on the monitor, if she didn't like the way i was doing thins, why not apply a correction? thats what i don't understand. that i was completely unaware that everything was going fine, and then all of a sudden you tell me i'm unfit as a tumbling teacher? because you give me toddlers to attempt to teach? because of someones word and no proof, or questions, of a facebook message? no time to even say goodbye to my own girls, or even have the decency to sit me down and explain, you send me an email? then blame me for girls quitting when i have done absolutely nothing wrong? also, you sent me an email over half an hour after your "new schedule" was emailed to everyone with my name taken off of it and Melissa taking over my classes. so had i read that first, i would have been shown that i was let go before you took the time to let me know yourself?!
not to mention, we're pretty certain you shorted me quite a bit on my check.
sorry for the long rant, i'm still, obviously, rather upset. after talking to my mom, i did feel better. i realized that my morals were more important than the money. that i should never have to give up my way of coaching for someone else. that, had my mom ever went to coach for Lisa, she too, would have been let go for the same reasons. that i shouldn't let it get to me, that this doesn't make me a bad teacher, it just wasn't enough for me. she was right, we weren't a match. and as much as i tried, it never would have worked.
i did ask Melissa hat she thought and she didn't have my back for a second. told me that in the professional manner, i didn't cut it. that i needed to get certified and shadow an instructor for 6 months to teach me what to do. that made me want to slap her. i knew exactly what i was doing as a coach, i had never had any complaints at Merrillville. i didn't need the help.
she will though, i wonder if she even told Willow that she was pregnant. i wonder how she's suppose to spot those kids that aren't ready to flip around, in a few months. :)
okay, enough of that and the negativity.
this happening, was, in all reality, a good thing for all of us. i knew i was taking on too much for myself, right after my daughter being born. it kept getting harder and harder to leave my son. i was stressed out and exhausted, but i had to give it my best shot. now i have more time with my family, i can use that Thursday night to go to the gym if i choose to, to work for something i would like to be in the future. and i know that we can make it. my husband, after calling him and telling him, crying of course, what had happened. i admitted to him that i felt like a failure. that i hadn't worked since we got married and the first job i landed i only lasted 3 months. he told me that i didn't need this job, or any other job. that i do everything for this family already, that i just pushed myself a little too hard.
after being let go, and seeing how much it upset me. we both took a step back.
we looked at everything we have been through out here in the desert. we have been through so many, many, many difficult times. our marriage was put to the test, we dealt with the bullshit with our first house and getting screwed over, we went through the difficult time and struggle to find somewhere else to live, and landed in 801. we dealt with Deployment and him missing Ryders birth by only 3 weeks. i went through Depression alone. he came back and once again our marriage was on the line. we have lost friends, and gained friends. we have dealt with drama in every single form. we have lost a pet because of it. he gets screwed by his unit every other day, we never stop having issues with that. and now. this.
this was the deal breaker. and we decided that California has nothing left for us. that this place has brought out the monster in all of us. every bit of unluckiness we have had, has happened here. and we can not take it anymore.
and after decided to get out and start our lives in the real world, and realizing it is almost impossible with the hands we have been dealt.
it's time to turn the page.
yesterday out of nowhere in the car Mike tells me he thinks it's time to re enlist. trust me, i'm as shocked as you are. so, its all we talked about all day. after being so frustrated because he wouldnt talk to me about the move to michigan, he finally came out and told me he thinks this is the smartest idea. i do agree, as do our moms. it's a steady paycheck, and a roof over the childrens heads. its another 4 years of health coverage, time to get all debt eliminated, save up for our future so that we will be in a better place to buy a house, he he doesnt choose to retire with the Marine Corps. it gives us more changes, opportunities, for all of us. it's a brand new chapter.
we both very very much dislike the military. but we are starting to realize now that maybe it in't the military. after talking to his Sgt, he told us. that we should not ever base the military off of this unit. he came here from elsewhere and he told us it was completely different. and he too, is irritated with the bull that they're put through. so, maybe a change of scenery will help us. a different unit too.
Mike is looking into all the info this coming week. the pros and cons of everything. he would rather be active than reserves, which i understand. and, as long as they guarantee us Camp Lejeune, or closer to home, he will re enlist. and attempt to push to PCS as soon as possible, to start our new lives elsewhere. i know we can do this.
people ask me how i feel about it and honestly, i'm okay. i know if we are in NC, things will be different. its a days drive, rather than 3. we can take leave and go home for Christmas, its a closer drive for my parents and Trish and Tiff. it's closer in case of an emergency at home, or Deployment, or just wanting to get away for a little while. it's going to be different. it might be another 4 years of constant bullshit. but, it's steady. and steady wins over everything for our children right now.
so, cross your fingers for us, please. we need all the luck we can get right now. everything is a toss up.
heads, Carolina?!
-ks.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
seventy eight.
my writing career.
i have always, always, always wanted to write a book. i miss writing anything but blog posts and journal entries, but i just don't have time, or the brain waves to think about anything but poopie diapers and sippy cups. eventually, it will happen. it will, i promise. i know a lot of you look forward to my book when i do write it. and this makes me smile!
however, i have to start somewhere.
so, here is what i am going to do.
After the first of the year, i am going to start a new blog to document our last few months in the marine Corps, the big move, and the start of our new life in Michigan, i hope.
in a few years when i have time to myself (i have currently snuck into the bathroom wishing i had soundproof walls, to type this entry, while both my kids fuss, whine, and scream because theyre overtired and i have tried everything to comfort them.), i will write my story. or, multiple.
until then, i have chosen to charge $1 to read my new blog.
it will help with my childrens future, our new home, and since it is difficult right now to find a job, i think that its a good idea.
i believe paypal works for this kinds of stuff, right?
my paypal address is USMCNelson29@yahoo.com
what i would like for you to do, is send me $1, and a message on facebook, (or here, if you're not on my facebook page) with your email address. once paid, i will write down the email you have given me so that when i create my new blog, i can add you to my list.
i promise i will make it worth the read. :)
i have always, always, always wanted to write a book. i miss writing anything but blog posts and journal entries, but i just don't have time, or the brain waves to think about anything but poopie diapers and sippy cups. eventually, it will happen. it will, i promise. i know a lot of you look forward to my book when i do write it. and this makes me smile!
however, i have to start somewhere.
so, here is what i am going to do.
After the first of the year, i am going to start a new blog to document our last few months in the marine Corps, the big move, and the start of our new life in Michigan, i hope.
in a few years when i have time to myself (i have currently snuck into the bathroom wishing i had soundproof walls, to type this entry, while both my kids fuss, whine, and scream because theyre overtired and i have tried everything to comfort them.), i will write my story. or, multiple.
until then, i have chosen to charge $1 to read my new blog.
it will help with my childrens future, our new home, and since it is difficult right now to find a job, i think that its a good idea.
i believe paypal works for this kinds of stuff, right?
my paypal address is USMCNelson29@yahoo.com
what i would like for you to do, is send me $1, and a message on facebook, (or here, if you're not on my facebook page) with your email address. once paid, i will write down the email you have given me so that when i create my new blog, i can add you to my list.
i promise i will make it worth the read. :)
Sunday, December 9, 2012
seventy seven.
i am my fathers daughter.
earlier today while Mike and i were driving to Palm Desert, we got to talking about the move and the relationships we felt were important enough to keep when we did. i started talking about my dad and how he was always my rock. and that he had never once judged me.
during my childhood, my mother was solo. she was both mom and dad to all three of us. not until my grandmother passed away did a relationships start between us. he had driven me home to grab a change of clothes for my mom and i, and for me to shower. i was rinsing my hair and my dad knocked on the door, poked his head in, and said, "kimby, we gotta go." the entire drive to the hospital, he kept me calm. he made me believe that things were going to be okay. that i was stronger than i thought. and while everyone in the room lost it, my dad and i were our families rocks. it was the same with my papas funeral. him and i walked across the street from the funeral home to mcdonalds and laughed, and joked about everything, and celebrated my pregnancy, while not one other person really cared. before Michael and i got married, he sat me down. he didn't tell me to think twice, he didn't tell me that i was stupid for rushing into something. he told me to follow my heart and my dreams, and give it all i got. even when he came out here after Lyvia was born, driving to get a pizza from Dominos, he told me everything was going to be okay. there has never been any judgement, belittlement, or hurt. there was an emptiness, a forgiveness, and moving on.
i called my mom tonight and we were talking about the Christmas box she was sending us. and told me that in there were going to be three oddly shaped packages. the small one was for me, the two others were for Mike. they were wrapped.
and they were from my father.
my entire life, my dad has missed so much of my life. i never really thought he cared much about me. he didn't know me. or even want me. he admitted that he didn't want children, and that, looking back, he knew he took everything for granted. that he can admit, that he was a bad dad. i tried so hard to get his attention. i remember small things like watching scary movies in his recliner together, him taking me trick or treating if Halloween fell on a weekend. walking down to Lincolns for a Bunny girl. he wasn't a bad dad, he just... wasn't ever there. not the way a daughter needs him to be.
growing up, and looking back, i didn't need him. i had my mom. my mom was everything to me. how can i want something, or someone, i didn't even know? he taught me more than he thinks he did. he showed me just how much i want for my daughter, with his absence. a father that remembered birthdays and bought Christmas presents that didn't just have his name on it from mom. a father who took his daughter to ballets, or father daughter dances. a dad that made time for his daughter. i can not remember, not one time, in my entire life that he has done something for me before i became a Senior in high school. he took us on vacations and tumbling meets, he went to my state gymnastics meet. he was there to watch, but there was always a gap in between us. not anymore.
my dad doesn't buy gifts, he doesnt do anything special, or sentimental. he gives money, in a clean pair of socks, then asks for them back. this year, he took the time out to get Mike and i different things, and wrap them. he wrapped them. my father. in the history of him being a dad... has never once wrapped a present for any one of us.
when i asked my mom why he did it, she said, "because. he knows you two have been threw a lot the last few years, that you only have each other, and you're on your own. he didn't get Kelly or Kevin anything other than a pair of socks. this is just for you and your husband."
i cried when she told me this. like i am crying now.
these past few weeks have been emotional. i have cried, multiple times, about the simple fact that we have no one. that no one has cared about us, other than my mom, since we moved here. no one called to check up on me and Ryder when we were by ourselves. that we're invisible to everyone. then the incident with Kevin. it's all been hard. and it makes me want to protect my children from ever being hurt like Mike and i have. but i know that, no matter what, Ryder and Lyvia have twice the dad ours ever were. but, now. just when i give up on everything and everyone.
there stands my dad.
i can forgive him.
and i do. because he is here now. and now, is when i need him the most.
he changed, since i moved. and that, that's a big deal. Mikes dad will never get it, and it's at the point where we have to cut him from our lives to protect our children. he hasn't learned, and never will. because he is choosing a woman and her two kids, over his own two, and his eldest childs new family. he got a phone call from his own daughter and he called her back and pretended like he didn't know who it was, because his wife was there. he's a bad father, and he will never earn redemption.
no, not like mine. <3
-ksn.
earlier today while Mike and i were driving to Palm Desert, we got to talking about the move and the relationships we felt were important enough to keep when we did. i started talking about my dad and how he was always my rock. and that he had never once judged me.
during my childhood, my mother was solo. she was both mom and dad to all three of us. not until my grandmother passed away did a relationships start between us. he had driven me home to grab a change of clothes for my mom and i, and for me to shower. i was rinsing my hair and my dad knocked on the door, poked his head in, and said, "kimby, we gotta go." the entire drive to the hospital, he kept me calm. he made me believe that things were going to be okay. that i was stronger than i thought. and while everyone in the room lost it, my dad and i were our families rocks. it was the same with my papas funeral. him and i walked across the street from the funeral home to mcdonalds and laughed, and joked about everything, and celebrated my pregnancy, while not one other person really cared. before Michael and i got married, he sat me down. he didn't tell me to think twice, he didn't tell me that i was stupid for rushing into something. he told me to follow my heart and my dreams, and give it all i got. even when he came out here after Lyvia was born, driving to get a pizza from Dominos, he told me everything was going to be okay. there has never been any judgement, belittlement, or hurt. there was an emptiness, a forgiveness, and moving on.
i called my mom tonight and we were talking about the Christmas box she was sending us. and told me that in there were going to be three oddly shaped packages. the small one was for me, the two others were for Mike. they were wrapped.
and they were from my father.
my entire life, my dad has missed so much of my life. i never really thought he cared much about me. he didn't know me. or even want me. he admitted that he didn't want children, and that, looking back, he knew he took everything for granted. that he can admit, that he was a bad dad. i tried so hard to get his attention. i remember small things like watching scary movies in his recliner together, him taking me trick or treating if Halloween fell on a weekend. walking down to Lincolns for a Bunny girl. he wasn't a bad dad, he just... wasn't ever there. not the way a daughter needs him to be.
growing up, and looking back, i didn't need him. i had my mom. my mom was everything to me. how can i want something, or someone, i didn't even know? he taught me more than he thinks he did. he showed me just how much i want for my daughter, with his absence. a father that remembered birthdays and bought Christmas presents that didn't just have his name on it from mom. a father who took his daughter to ballets, or father daughter dances. a dad that made time for his daughter. i can not remember, not one time, in my entire life that he has done something for me before i became a Senior in high school. he took us on vacations and tumbling meets, he went to my state gymnastics meet. he was there to watch, but there was always a gap in between us. not anymore.
my dad doesn't buy gifts, he doesnt do anything special, or sentimental. he gives money, in a clean pair of socks, then asks for them back. this year, he took the time out to get Mike and i different things, and wrap them. he wrapped them. my father. in the history of him being a dad... has never once wrapped a present for any one of us.
when i asked my mom why he did it, she said, "because. he knows you two have been threw a lot the last few years, that you only have each other, and you're on your own. he didn't get Kelly or Kevin anything other than a pair of socks. this is just for you and your husband."
i cried when she told me this. like i am crying now.
these past few weeks have been emotional. i have cried, multiple times, about the simple fact that we have no one. that no one has cared about us, other than my mom, since we moved here. no one called to check up on me and Ryder when we were by ourselves. that we're invisible to everyone. then the incident with Kevin. it's all been hard. and it makes me want to protect my children from ever being hurt like Mike and i have. but i know that, no matter what, Ryder and Lyvia have twice the dad ours ever were. but, now. just when i give up on everything and everyone.
there stands my dad.
i can forgive him.
and i do. because he is here now. and now, is when i need him the most.
he changed, since i moved. and that, that's a big deal. Mikes dad will never get it, and it's at the point where we have to cut him from our lives to protect our children. he hasn't learned, and never will. because he is choosing a woman and her two kids, over his own two, and his eldest childs new family. he got a phone call from his own daughter and he called her back and pretended like he didn't know who it was, because his wife was there. he's a bad father, and he will never earn redemption.
no, not like mine. <3
-ksn.
Monday, December 3, 2012
seventy six.
i am strong and stable.
this entire past week, has been absolutely horrendous. and i am thankful that i am now strong and stable enough to hold it all together when i need to, and let it all out when the day is done. i have always believe in the saying when it rains it pours. and my life has been such a flood this week! i can only hope it gets better from here!
on top of the entire situation with my "family" and Kevin, and now with Mike this past weekend, i have cried myself to sleep almost every night. hat isn't me, at all. and i am doing everything i possibly can to pull myself together. this is not the time i need to be falling apart, my babies need me now, more than ever. i can't help but feel completely alone. but my chin is still high.
i hope that my husband learns something from sleeping on the couch the past 3 nights, and missing out on going to the winter festival and putting up the tree together this weekend because of his actions. i have no idea what has gotten into him, during one of my toughest weeks in a few months. but i have had more than enough.
during the week, every time i would try to talk to him about my feelings on what was happening, he quickly changed the subject to something else, like he didn't even care about what i was saying. i couldnt have been more happy to leave for work on Thursday! Friday he came home from work and i decided we should go to Walmart. we got a little extra on the paycheck for his uniform allowance, and since he didn't need much, it would come in handy for Christmas. i want to spoil my children this year because i have no idea where we will be next year. so while we were there i got more Christmas decorations, a pet stocking for Indy and Roux, a few presents for my niece and nephew, and Ryder some baby snacks. i was only thinking about other people, like i usually do. though, i did get myself some more bubble bath since i'm almost out.
after checking out and spending more than he had planned, he commented that he refused to pay the cable bill now, which is already a week late, because we spent so much at Walmart.
my chin dropped.
i am really, really, really sick of all these rude money comments coming from his mouth. i work, and get a paycheck as well. i just took $300 out of my house savings fund so that he could put new tires on his motorcycle instead of waiting for this check and using that allowance. every single place we go, its always an effing comment about money.
i can not remember the last time he ever, ever handed me money to put aside for our house. not once. so, the whole way home we got into it. he argued that he never spends money. however, not spending and leaving it in the account, is completely different than saving it. i have a Chase savings in my name only, specifically for our house when we move. a few months ago i had almost $1,000 saved. which is nothing thats needed for a house.
i now have less than $300.
i buy 90% of the things we need from bookoo to save money, i never ever do anything for myself. i wanted to go tanning with my paychecks and decided that $40 a month was just too much when i needed to be saving for my childrens future. i have been wanting to get a pedicure but can't bring myself to spend the money. i spend on my children, and thats all. THAT is what makes me happy! and i do so responsibly, and know when to stop. i got the amount of diapers that i wanted and though i look through the sites daily and want to buy more, i don't. because i have my head on straight with money. i might be a little careless now, because i know come January, no one is buying anything that isnt an absolute need. it's Christmas, why not?
when we got home i was too angry to stay in the same room as him, so i decided to go upstairs and wrap Christmas presents for everyone so thats done and out of the way. it's going on 1am when i finish and i walk downstairs.
Ryder is still awake, playing quietly with his toys.
and Mike is asleep on the couch....
AT ONE FUCKING IN THE MORNING!
it took all i had not to punch him. i started yelling and then he tried telling me that Ryder was asleep with him on the couch and he must had gotten up and wanted to play.
HE'S 19 MONTHS OLD MIKE! what the fuck is wrong with you, to just let a baby run around in the middle of the night while you sleep on the couch? who knows what could have happened?! i was pissed, livid! i took my children and went to my room.
couch night number one.
Saturday was awful.
on Thursday and Friday we had housing come to our house and give us warnings about our small dog Mollie. we have had Mollie almost a year, and at least once or twice a month, she weasles her way through the hole in the brick on our patio. if you live in 801, you understand that it's completely unfit for a dog. we have chicken wire, bricks, rocks, boards, fencing, poles, whatever you can block something off with, we have it. but she still finds a way out. Mike lets her out when he leaves for work before 6am. Thursday morning she got out during that time, and she runs around the complex. welllll, she has a barking problem. so, we got complained about, twice. this isn't the first time we have had an issue with her doing so, i understand. but i am also trying to juggle two children and can not run outside to grab her every damn second. so, we were at risk of getting kicked out of housing. all because one rude person couldn't come to us and talk like an adult.
Mollie is now sitting in a shelter.
gosh, as i type this i'm freaking crying.
i hate it out here. Mike didn't want to deal with it anymore, he neglected her anyway. and i didn't want to risk losing my childrens home over a dog. it killed me. Ryder was kissing her through her cage before Mike took her. i couldn't even bother saying goodbye. we have now lost 3 dogs... all because of Mikes neglect to properly putting the fence up, or helping with potty training, or anything or the sort. and nothing makes me more angry than when we Skype with Tiffany and Ma and he gets all excited about Buster, boasting that he raised and trained and cared for that dog for years.
when poor Indy has never ever ever been taken care of by Mike. everything that dog knows, is because of me. when he gets walked, its by me. he needs to be updated on his shots, and needs to get fixed. hes needed to get fixed for 2 and a half years, and never was. and i'll be damned if anything ever happens to my dog. so, i get to juggle two babies and a giant dog next paycheck to take him to get what he needs done because Mike doesn't care about anyone anymore. i just can't keep doing this.
i took the kids to the winter festival without him. a nice little family event and i didn't allow him to go. he took Lyvi to the car while i carried Ryder and walked away. it tore my heart apart to have to tell him to stay home, that he didn't deserve to go. that we were not acting like a family. and i almost told him to get in the car, but i knew i needed to stand my ground. the kids and i had a nice time though, and i'm really glad things happened the way they should have. we went to the PX afterwards and started our tradition of buying them each a special ornament every year, of what theyre into. Ryder got Magician Mickey and Lyvia got Tangled. :)
Ryder went to bed when we got home and i put the tree up by myself, set up for pictures, and took pictures and decorated the tree with Ryder when he woke up. solo. i didn't even think twice on the subject and enjoyed the time with my two little babies.
Mike eventually came home and we ignored each other some more, couch night number two.
Today wasn't much better at all. i decided to get my mother in law a coach purse for Christmas. i feel bad that Mike never even suggested getting her anything for her birthday or any other Christmas, so i took mattes into my own hands and found one i thought she would like. the lady was also selling an all black one that i really liked. so i told him that i would like to get both of them. mine could be my present. he just looked at me and asked if i really needed a 4th Coach purse.
again with the money and shit!
so i just ignored it. i brought it back up to him this morning and he took an hour to answer me. but when i went to talk to him about his present that i'm getting him with my paycheck, he was so quick to tell me which ones he wanted. which, were more expensive than my purse.
i ended up getting both purses anyway, and i'm glad that i did. i love buying my own Christmas presents, had i not. i wouldn't have received anything.
then tonight there was large amounts of laundry that needed to be folded and put away. so i went upstairs to do so. Mike tried putting Ryder to bed at his normal bedtime, without pajamas. again.
Ryder has been going through something where he doesnt want to sleep in his bed alone. even with a bottle. so, he wants you to lay with him while he falls asleep. the past few nights, after yelling at him, Mike has just fallen asleep with him. which, is fine.
falling asleep before him, while hes running around downstairs, is not.
but before i yelled at him, and tonight, he just lays with him for a second, then walks out. and Ryder throws a fit and starts crying and screaming. so Mike tries again, and does the same thing. same results.
i know maybe i shouldnt, but Ryder is still such a little guy. if he needs to be laid with, or held, or rocked to sleep, i'm going to give it to him. eventually he will fall back to sleep on his own. yes, sometimes its frustrating, but i would rather be frustrated than my little guy scared or sad. this started shortly after Lyvi got here, so i think it might have to do with that. who am i to take what comforts him away? so i lay with him every night. sometimes it takes an hour, or longer. but i don't give up, like Mike does. i don't fall asleep too, because there is still things that need to be done. no matter how exhausted i am, life goes on.
so he takes him back downstairs and i go back to folding.
at 11, i go downstair to get Ryder to bed and as i lay with him, he says "hungry"
which is completely unusual to my child. he never tells me hes hungry.
so we go downstairs and get him a small snack and i ask Mike what he had for dinner.
he just looked at me and said, "i can't remember"
which translates into "nothing"
i about lost it. and i asked him how he could not feed his child a meal? a yogurt and some goldfish do not count as a meal! i was so upset. really Mike?
this is twice this weekend i have left my toddler in your care, and you have been completely careless.
i asked him if he had given Indy water (almost types the dogs until i realized we only have one...) and he told me no.
then he told me about the cat incident where she went pee on the pile of clothes. she's a great cat and doesn't have accidents. the only time she does, is when no one opens to laundry room door for her to go potty. most times she lets you know when its closed. so he even neglected to take care of her.
i think the only person he didn't neglect this weekend was Lyvi J, and that was only because she screams and cries until she's fed, and he didn't want to hear it.
so i gave Ryder a snack and we went upstairs and he was asleep in 5 minutes. i go back downstairs, and Mike is already asleep on the couch again. i grab my daughter and he stirs awake. i tell him goodnight, and not to come to bed, and that was that.
i have no idea what the fuck has gotten into him lately. he isn't normally like this. he's always a really good, helpful dad. i ignore his little mess ups because theyre so minor. but this weekend? no. no it was just awful.
now, those people that read my blog and tend to spread what i say to others, don't take this as i am bashing my husband. these are facts of what happened during my weekend and this is my blog that i feel the need to vent about it before i deck him in the testicles. this isn't drama, or whatever else you might start. and no, i'm not getting a divorce because of all this shit. i'm not leaving him, blah blah blah. give him a few black eyes and possibly make it so i have to adopt my next child? maybe. he's not a jackass ALL the time, and other than this weekend, we normally don't deserve better, so. i'm glad i have that cleared up.
its just a hard time, and i have told him this. i'm sad i'm not in indiana with my family for the third Christmas in a row. i am sad that we have to bust our asses off to try to make a life for ourselves. i am completely and utterly stressed to the max on what is to come in 2013. on top of whats been going on with my ex brother, and then the whole Mollie situation, and just being exhausted in general, and not going anywhere but home and work, and being back to square one of sitting in my house all day, this isn't the time. anytime i tried to bring up house hunting and what we're looking for and ANYTHING dealing with the next year of our lives, he ignored me. now is not the time!!!! it's driving me crazy and i pray to whoever i decide to believe in that day, that this doesnt continue.
i know, 100% that i can do this on my own. i know that things would be mighty difficult but i can do anything for my children. i just shouldn't have to. i am saving all i can for our house, i am researching cities and jobs and houses, and finding ones that i like. i am planning our entire future solo. and it isn't like i don't ask him for his help or opinions, he just doesnt have a want to put an input. at this point, i know that if he doesnt get his act together and his head out of his butt, and if i DO have to do all of this on my own and deal with everything, and do whats best for my kids on my own, then he is going to go back and live with his mom. i was talking to Stephanie and she asked me whats going to happen to Mike and i, after i told her i personally couldnt give a fuck about my marriage right now. i know how bad it sounded, but let me explain.
i don't care about my marriage. i don't care about making my husband happy, or fixing things that shouldnt be there in the first place. that doesnt mean we're getting a divorce. it just means i care more about being a good mom and my children, than any man, even if he happens to be the man i married and their dad. i don't have time for games, the roller coaster of bullshit, to be put through these things and not get help when needed. i have to find a good, safe city for my two children. i need to look into good neighborhoods, research getting a loan, save for a down payment and everything else we might need until paychecks start coming in. i, more than likely, will have to find him a job before we leave here. i need to look into public/private/home schooling and decide which is best for us. i need to make sure my children have what they will need when we are struggling with money, so that they come first and foremost, every single time. i need to find a house that fits our wants and needs, and figure out what to keep and what to sell before we move. i have so much to think about, my husband means very little right now. especially when he doesnt seem to care about anyone but himself. for once i am making grown up choices and pushing him out of the picture while i focus on what i need to in life. i refuse to dwell and be sad when i need to be strong and stable for my two babies. i need to take the wheel and get things done. and i might not have him in my corner, but i sure as shit have a lot of other people.
2013 might be the most difficult year of my life. and i know that i am ready. that i can do this. with or without help. there was a lot of factors in playing why i want to move into our forever home, rather than move back to Hobart, adn the biggest part is stability. ever since Mike and i have been together nothing has been stable. we havent had a permanent home, neither have the kids. we have always known this as a temporary home. if we move back to Hobart, it would be the same thing. i just want my kids to have a home, a home they can grow into, a place where i can measure them in the doorway every year and watch them grow. a yard where my dog can run around in and go crazy. i want to start my little families forever. the smart thing yes, would be to move back to Hobart and go from there, take it day by day. but this is the first time in our relationship that we can actually choose our life, do what we have always dreamt of. i don't want to settle anymore. i want a house, our own house. and i know that i can make it work. with, or without his help. but i'll be damned if i work my ass off for my family and he skates by and expects to be part of that new life.
as much as my mom and i disagree sometimes, i am extremely glad she raised me as she did. she taught me to be independent, and showed me how to do things on my own. that i will never need a man to make things work. that all i needed were my kids and i had it all. i have never felt so strong as i do, sitting here, with both my beautiful babies asleep, one on either side of me. and Roux sleeping at our feet. i am prepared to take on this new life solo, or as a family. that choice is his. regardless, my plan is to be in Saginaw, Michigan, in October. <3
bring it on.
this entire past week, has been absolutely horrendous. and i am thankful that i am now strong and stable enough to hold it all together when i need to, and let it all out when the day is done. i have always believe in the saying when it rains it pours. and my life has been such a flood this week! i can only hope it gets better from here!
on top of the entire situation with my "family" and Kevin, and now with Mike this past weekend, i have cried myself to sleep almost every night. hat isn't me, at all. and i am doing everything i possibly can to pull myself together. this is not the time i need to be falling apart, my babies need me now, more than ever. i can't help but feel completely alone. but my chin is still high.
i hope that my husband learns something from sleeping on the couch the past 3 nights, and missing out on going to the winter festival and putting up the tree together this weekend because of his actions. i have no idea what has gotten into him, during one of my toughest weeks in a few months. but i have had more than enough.
during the week, every time i would try to talk to him about my feelings on what was happening, he quickly changed the subject to something else, like he didn't even care about what i was saying. i couldnt have been more happy to leave for work on Thursday! Friday he came home from work and i decided we should go to Walmart. we got a little extra on the paycheck for his uniform allowance, and since he didn't need much, it would come in handy for Christmas. i want to spoil my children this year because i have no idea where we will be next year. so while we were there i got more Christmas decorations, a pet stocking for Indy and Roux, a few presents for my niece and nephew, and Ryder some baby snacks. i was only thinking about other people, like i usually do. though, i did get myself some more bubble bath since i'm almost out.
after checking out and spending more than he had planned, he commented that he refused to pay the cable bill now, which is already a week late, because we spent so much at Walmart.
my chin dropped.
i am really, really, really sick of all these rude money comments coming from his mouth. i work, and get a paycheck as well. i just took $300 out of my house savings fund so that he could put new tires on his motorcycle instead of waiting for this check and using that allowance. every single place we go, its always an effing comment about money.
i can not remember the last time he ever, ever handed me money to put aside for our house. not once. so, the whole way home we got into it. he argued that he never spends money. however, not spending and leaving it in the account, is completely different than saving it. i have a Chase savings in my name only, specifically for our house when we move. a few months ago i had almost $1,000 saved. which is nothing thats needed for a house.
i now have less than $300.
i buy 90% of the things we need from bookoo to save money, i never ever do anything for myself. i wanted to go tanning with my paychecks and decided that $40 a month was just too much when i needed to be saving for my childrens future. i have been wanting to get a pedicure but can't bring myself to spend the money. i spend on my children, and thats all. THAT is what makes me happy! and i do so responsibly, and know when to stop. i got the amount of diapers that i wanted and though i look through the sites daily and want to buy more, i don't. because i have my head on straight with money. i might be a little careless now, because i know come January, no one is buying anything that isnt an absolute need. it's Christmas, why not?
when we got home i was too angry to stay in the same room as him, so i decided to go upstairs and wrap Christmas presents for everyone so thats done and out of the way. it's going on 1am when i finish and i walk downstairs.
Ryder is still awake, playing quietly with his toys.
and Mike is asleep on the couch....
AT ONE FUCKING IN THE MORNING!
it took all i had not to punch him. i started yelling and then he tried telling me that Ryder was asleep with him on the couch and he must had gotten up and wanted to play.
HE'S 19 MONTHS OLD MIKE! what the fuck is wrong with you, to just let a baby run around in the middle of the night while you sleep on the couch? who knows what could have happened?! i was pissed, livid! i took my children and went to my room.
couch night number one.
Saturday was awful.
on Thursday and Friday we had housing come to our house and give us warnings about our small dog Mollie. we have had Mollie almost a year, and at least once or twice a month, she weasles her way through the hole in the brick on our patio. if you live in 801, you understand that it's completely unfit for a dog. we have chicken wire, bricks, rocks, boards, fencing, poles, whatever you can block something off with, we have it. but she still finds a way out. Mike lets her out when he leaves for work before 6am. Thursday morning she got out during that time, and she runs around the complex. welllll, she has a barking problem. so, we got complained about, twice. this isn't the first time we have had an issue with her doing so, i understand. but i am also trying to juggle two children and can not run outside to grab her every damn second. so, we were at risk of getting kicked out of housing. all because one rude person couldn't come to us and talk like an adult.
Mollie is now sitting in a shelter.
gosh, as i type this i'm freaking crying.
i hate it out here. Mike didn't want to deal with it anymore, he neglected her anyway. and i didn't want to risk losing my childrens home over a dog. it killed me. Ryder was kissing her through her cage before Mike took her. i couldn't even bother saying goodbye. we have now lost 3 dogs... all because of Mikes neglect to properly putting the fence up, or helping with potty training, or anything or the sort. and nothing makes me more angry than when we Skype with Tiffany and Ma and he gets all excited about Buster, boasting that he raised and trained and cared for that dog for years.
when poor Indy has never ever ever been taken care of by Mike. everything that dog knows, is because of me. when he gets walked, its by me. he needs to be updated on his shots, and needs to get fixed. hes needed to get fixed for 2 and a half years, and never was. and i'll be damned if anything ever happens to my dog. so, i get to juggle two babies and a giant dog next paycheck to take him to get what he needs done because Mike doesn't care about anyone anymore. i just can't keep doing this.
i took the kids to the winter festival without him. a nice little family event and i didn't allow him to go. he took Lyvi to the car while i carried Ryder and walked away. it tore my heart apart to have to tell him to stay home, that he didn't deserve to go. that we were not acting like a family. and i almost told him to get in the car, but i knew i needed to stand my ground. the kids and i had a nice time though, and i'm really glad things happened the way they should have. we went to the PX afterwards and started our tradition of buying them each a special ornament every year, of what theyre into. Ryder got Magician Mickey and Lyvia got Tangled. :)
Ryder went to bed when we got home and i put the tree up by myself, set up for pictures, and took pictures and decorated the tree with Ryder when he woke up. solo. i didn't even think twice on the subject and enjoyed the time with my two little babies.
Mike eventually came home and we ignored each other some more, couch night number two.
Today wasn't much better at all. i decided to get my mother in law a coach purse for Christmas. i feel bad that Mike never even suggested getting her anything for her birthday or any other Christmas, so i took mattes into my own hands and found one i thought she would like. the lady was also selling an all black one that i really liked. so i told him that i would like to get both of them. mine could be my present. he just looked at me and asked if i really needed a 4th Coach purse.
again with the money and shit!
so i just ignored it. i brought it back up to him this morning and he took an hour to answer me. but when i went to talk to him about his present that i'm getting him with my paycheck, he was so quick to tell me which ones he wanted. which, were more expensive than my purse.
i ended up getting both purses anyway, and i'm glad that i did. i love buying my own Christmas presents, had i not. i wouldn't have received anything.
then tonight there was large amounts of laundry that needed to be folded and put away. so i went upstairs to do so. Mike tried putting Ryder to bed at his normal bedtime, without pajamas. again.
Ryder has been going through something where he doesnt want to sleep in his bed alone. even with a bottle. so, he wants you to lay with him while he falls asleep. the past few nights, after yelling at him, Mike has just fallen asleep with him. which, is fine.
falling asleep before him, while hes running around downstairs, is not.
but before i yelled at him, and tonight, he just lays with him for a second, then walks out. and Ryder throws a fit and starts crying and screaming. so Mike tries again, and does the same thing. same results.
i know maybe i shouldnt, but Ryder is still such a little guy. if he needs to be laid with, or held, or rocked to sleep, i'm going to give it to him. eventually he will fall back to sleep on his own. yes, sometimes its frustrating, but i would rather be frustrated than my little guy scared or sad. this started shortly after Lyvi got here, so i think it might have to do with that. who am i to take what comforts him away? so i lay with him every night. sometimes it takes an hour, or longer. but i don't give up, like Mike does. i don't fall asleep too, because there is still things that need to be done. no matter how exhausted i am, life goes on.
so he takes him back downstairs and i go back to folding.
at 11, i go downstair to get Ryder to bed and as i lay with him, he says "hungry"
which is completely unusual to my child. he never tells me hes hungry.
so we go downstairs and get him a small snack and i ask Mike what he had for dinner.
he just looked at me and said, "i can't remember"
which translates into "nothing"
i about lost it. and i asked him how he could not feed his child a meal? a yogurt and some goldfish do not count as a meal! i was so upset. really Mike?
this is twice this weekend i have left my toddler in your care, and you have been completely careless.
i asked him if he had given Indy water (almost types the dogs until i realized we only have one...) and he told me no.
then he told me about the cat incident where she went pee on the pile of clothes. she's a great cat and doesn't have accidents. the only time she does, is when no one opens to laundry room door for her to go potty. most times she lets you know when its closed. so he even neglected to take care of her.
i think the only person he didn't neglect this weekend was Lyvi J, and that was only because she screams and cries until she's fed, and he didn't want to hear it.
so i gave Ryder a snack and we went upstairs and he was asleep in 5 minutes. i go back downstairs, and Mike is already asleep on the couch again. i grab my daughter and he stirs awake. i tell him goodnight, and not to come to bed, and that was that.
i have no idea what the fuck has gotten into him lately. he isn't normally like this. he's always a really good, helpful dad. i ignore his little mess ups because theyre so minor. but this weekend? no. no it was just awful.
now, those people that read my blog and tend to spread what i say to others, don't take this as i am bashing my husband. these are facts of what happened during my weekend and this is my blog that i feel the need to vent about it before i deck him in the testicles. this isn't drama, or whatever else you might start. and no, i'm not getting a divorce because of all this shit. i'm not leaving him, blah blah blah. give him a few black eyes and possibly make it so i have to adopt my next child? maybe. he's not a jackass ALL the time, and other than this weekend, we normally don't deserve better, so. i'm glad i have that cleared up.
its just a hard time, and i have told him this. i'm sad i'm not in indiana with my family for the third Christmas in a row. i am sad that we have to bust our asses off to try to make a life for ourselves. i am completely and utterly stressed to the max on what is to come in 2013. on top of whats been going on with my ex brother, and then the whole Mollie situation, and just being exhausted in general, and not going anywhere but home and work, and being back to square one of sitting in my house all day, this isn't the time. anytime i tried to bring up house hunting and what we're looking for and ANYTHING dealing with the next year of our lives, he ignored me. now is not the time!!!! it's driving me crazy and i pray to whoever i decide to believe in that day, that this doesnt continue.
i know, 100% that i can do this on my own. i know that things would be mighty difficult but i can do anything for my children. i just shouldn't have to. i am saving all i can for our house, i am researching cities and jobs and houses, and finding ones that i like. i am planning our entire future solo. and it isn't like i don't ask him for his help or opinions, he just doesnt have a want to put an input. at this point, i know that if he doesnt get his act together and his head out of his butt, and if i DO have to do all of this on my own and deal with everything, and do whats best for my kids on my own, then he is going to go back and live with his mom. i was talking to Stephanie and she asked me whats going to happen to Mike and i, after i told her i personally couldnt give a fuck about my marriage right now. i know how bad it sounded, but let me explain.
i don't care about my marriage. i don't care about making my husband happy, or fixing things that shouldnt be there in the first place. that doesnt mean we're getting a divorce. it just means i care more about being a good mom and my children, than any man, even if he happens to be the man i married and their dad. i don't have time for games, the roller coaster of bullshit, to be put through these things and not get help when needed. i have to find a good, safe city for my two children. i need to look into good neighborhoods, research getting a loan, save for a down payment and everything else we might need until paychecks start coming in. i, more than likely, will have to find him a job before we leave here. i need to look into public/private/home schooling and decide which is best for us. i need to make sure my children have what they will need when we are struggling with money, so that they come first and foremost, every single time. i need to find a house that fits our wants and needs, and figure out what to keep and what to sell before we move. i have so much to think about, my husband means very little right now. especially when he doesnt seem to care about anyone but himself. for once i am making grown up choices and pushing him out of the picture while i focus on what i need to in life. i refuse to dwell and be sad when i need to be strong and stable for my two babies. i need to take the wheel and get things done. and i might not have him in my corner, but i sure as shit have a lot of other people.
2013 might be the most difficult year of my life. and i know that i am ready. that i can do this. with or without help. there was a lot of factors in playing why i want to move into our forever home, rather than move back to Hobart, adn the biggest part is stability. ever since Mike and i have been together nothing has been stable. we havent had a permanent home, neither have the kids. we have always known this as a temporary home. if we move back to Hobart, it would be the same thing. i just want my kids to have a home, a home they can grow into, a place where i can measure them in the doorway every year and watch them grow. a yard where my dog can run around in and go crazy. i want to start my little families forever. the smart thing yes, would be to move back to Hobart and go from there, take it day by day. but this is the first time in our relationship that we can actually choose our life, do what we have always dreamt of. i don't want to settle anymore. i want a house, our own house. and i know that i can make it work. with, or without his help. but i'll be damned if i work my ass off for my family and he skates by and expects to be part of that new life.
as much as my mom and i disagree sometimes, i am extremely glad she raised me as she did. she taught me to be independent, and showed me how to do things on my own. that i will never need a man to make things work. that all i needed were my kids and i had it all. i have never felt so strong as i do, sitting here, with both my beautiful babies asleep, one on either side of me. and Roux sleeping at our feet. i am prepared to take on this new life solo, or as a family. that choice is his. regardless, my plan is to be in Saginaw, Michigan, in October. <3
bring it on.
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