seventy six.

i am strong and stable.
this entire past week, has been absolutely horrendous. and i am thankful that i am now strong and stable enough to hold it all together when i need to, and let it all out when the day is done. i have always believe in the saying when it rains it pours. and my life has been such a flood this week! i can only hope it gets better from here!
on top of the entire situation with my "family" and Kevin, and now with Mike this past weekend, i have cried myself to sleep almost every night. hat isn't me, at all. and i am doing everything i possibly can to pull myself together. this is not the time i need to be falling apart, my babies need me now, more than ever. i can't help but feel completely alone. but my chin is still high.

i hope that my husband learns something from sleeping on the couch the past 3 nights, and missing out on going to the winter festival and putting up the tree together this weekend because of his actions. i have no idea what has gotten into him, during one of my toughest weeks in a few months. but i have had more than enough.
during the week, every time i would try to talk to him about my feelings on what was happening, he quickly changed the subject to something else, like he didn't even care about what i was saying. i couldnt have been more happy to leave for work on Thursday! Friday he came home from work and i decided we should go to Walmart. we got a little extra on the paycheck for his uniform allowance, and since he didn't need much, it would come in handy for Christmas. i want to spoil my children this year because i have no idea where we will be next year. so while we were there i got more Christmas decorations, a pet stocking for Indy and Roux, a few presents for my niece and nephew, and Ryder some baby snacks. i was only thinking about other people, like i usually do. though, i did get myself some more bubble bath since i'm almost out.
after checking out and spending more than he had planned, he commented that he refused to pay the cable bill now, which is already a week late, because we spent so much at Walmart.
my chin dropped.
i am really, really, really sick of all these rude money comments coming from his mouth. i work, and get a paycheck as well. i just took $300 out of my house savings fund so that he could put new tires on his motorcycle instead of waiting for this check and using that allowance. every single place we go, its always an effing comment about money.
i can not remember the last time he ever, ever handed me money to put aside for our house. not once. so, the whole way home we got into it. he argued that he never spends money. however, not spending and leaving it in the account, is completely different than saving it. i have a Chase savings in my name only, specifically for our house when we move. a few months ago i had almost $1,000 saved. which is nothing thats needed for a house.
i now have less than $300.
i buy 90% of the things we need from bookoo to save money, i never ever do anything for myself. i wanted to go tanning with my paychecks and decided that $40 a month was just too much when i needed to be saving for my childrens future. i have been wanting to get a pedicure but can't bring myself to spend the money. i spend on my children, and thats all. THAT is what makes me happy! and i do so responsibly, and know when to stop. i got the amount of diapers that i wanted and though i look through the sites daily and want to buy more, i don't. because i have my head on straight with money. i might be a little careless now, because i know come January, no one is buying anything that isnt an absolute need. it's Christmas, why not?
when we got home i was too angry to stay in the same room as him, so i decided to go upstairs and wrap Christmas presents for everyone so thats done and out of the way. it's going on 1am when i finish and i walk downstairs.
Ryder is still awake, playing quietly with his toys.
and Mike is asleep on the couch....
AT ONE FUCKING IN THE MORNING!
it took all i had not to punch him. i started yelling and then he tried telling me that Ryder was asleep with him on the couch and he must had gotten up and wanted to play.
HE'S 19 MONTHS OLD MIKE! what the fuck is wrong with you, to just let a baby run around in the middle of the night while you sleep on the couch? who knows what could have happened?! i was pissed, livid! i took my children and went to my room.
couch night number one.


Saturday was awful.
on Thursday and Friday we had housing come to our house and give us warnings about our small dog Mollie. we have had Mollie almost a year, and at least once or twice a month, she weasles her way through the hole in the brick on our patio. if you live in 801, you understand that it's completely unfit for a dog. we have chicken wire, bricks, rocks, boards, fencing, poles, whatever you can block something off with, we have it. but she still finds a way out. Mike lets her out when he leaves for work before 6am. Thursday morning she got out during that time, and she runs around the complex. welllll, she has a barking problem. so, we got complained about, twice. this isn't the first time we have had an issue with her doing so, i understand. but i am also trying to juggle two children and can not run outside to grab her every damn second. so, we were at risk of getting kicked out of housing. all because one rude person couldn't come to us and talk like an adult.
Mollie is now sitting in a shelter.
gosh, as i type this i'm freaking crying.
i hate it out here. Mike didn't want to deal with it anymore, he neglected her anyway. and i didn't want to risk losing my childrens home over a dog. it killed me. Ryder was kissing her through her cage before Mike took her. i couldn't even bother saying goodbye. we have now lost 3 dogs... all because of Mikes neglect to properly putting the fence up, or helping with potty training, or anything or the sort. and nothing makes me more angry than when we Skype with Tiffany and Ma and he gets all excited about Buster, boasting that he raised and trained and cared for that dog for years.
when poor Indy has never ever ever been taken care of by Mike. everything that dog knows, is because of me. when he gets walked, its by me. he needs to be updated on his shots, and needs to get fixed. hes needed to get fixed for 2 and a half years, and never was. and i'll be damned if anything ever happens to my dog. so, i get to juggle two babies and a giant dog next paycheck to take him to get what he needs done because Mike doesn't care about anyone anymore. i just can't keep doing this.

i took the kids to the winter festival without him. a nice little family event and i didn't allow him to go. he took Lyvi to the car while i carried Ryder and walked away. it tore my heart apart to have to tell him to stay home, that he didn't deserve to go. that we were not acting like a family. and i almost told him to get in the car, but i knew i needed to stand my ground. the kids and i had a nice time though, and i'm really glad things happened the way they should have. we went to the PX afterwards and started our tradition of buying them each a special ornament every year, of what theyre into. Ryder got Magician Mickey and Lyvia got Tangled. :)
Ryder went to bed when we got home and i put the tree up by myself, set up for pictures, and took pictures and decorated the tree with Ryder when he woke up. solo. i didn't even think twice on the subject and enjoyed the time with my two little babies.
Mike eventually came home and we ignored each other some more, couch night number two.

Today wasn't much better at all. i decided to get my mother in law a coach purse for Christmas. i feel bad that Mike never even suggested getting her anything for her birthday or any other Christmas, so i took mattes into my own hands and found one i thought she would like. the lady was also selling an all black one that i really liked. so i told him that i would like to get both of them. mine could be my present. he just looked at me and asked if i really needed a 4th Coach purse.
again with the money and shit!
so i just ignored it. i brought it back up to him this morning and he took an hour to answer me. but when i went to talk to him about his present that i'm getting him with my paycheck, he was so quick to tell me which ones he wanted. which, were more expensive than my purse.
i ended up getting both purses anyway, and i'm glad that i did. i love buying my own Christmas presents, had i not. i wouldn't have received anything.
then tonight there was large amounts of laundry that needed to be folded and put away. so i went upstairs to do so. Mike tried putting Ryder to bed at his normal bedtime, without pajamas. again.
Ryder has been going through something where he doesnt want to sleep in his bed alone. even with a bottle. so, he wants you to lay with him while he falls asleep. the past few nights, after yelling at him, Mike has just fallen asleep with him. which, is fine.
falling asleep before him, while hes running around downstairs, is not.
but before i yelled at him, and tonight, he just lays with him for a second, then walks out. and Ryder throws a fit and starts crying and screaming. so Mike tries again, and does the same thing. same results.
i know maybe i shouldnt, but Ryder is still such a little guy. if he needs to be laid with, or held, or rocked to sleep, i'm going to give it to him. eventually he will fall back to sleep on his own. yes, sometimes its frustrating, but i would rather be frustrated than my little guy scared or sad. this started shortly after Lyvi got here, so i think it might have to do with that. who am i to take what comforts him away? so i lay with him every night. sometimes it takes an hour, or longer. but i don't give up, like Mike does. i don't fall asleep too, because there is still things that need to be done. no matter how exhausted i am, life goes on.
so he takes him back downstairs and i go back to folding.
at 11, i go downstair to get Ryder to bed and as i lay with him, he says "hungry"
which is completely unusual to my child. he never tells me hes hungry.
so we go downstairs and get him a small snack and i ask Mike what he had for dinner.
he just looked at me and said, "i can't remember"
which translates into "nothing"
i about lost it. and i asked him how he could not feed his child a meal? a yogurt and some goldfish do not count as a meal! i was so upset. really Mike?
this is twice this weekend i have left my toddler in your care, and you have been completely careless.
i asked him if he had given Indy water (almost types the dogs until i realized we only have one...) and he told me no.
then he told me about the cat incident where she went pee on the pile of clothes. she's a great cat and doesn't have accidents. the only time she does, is when no one opens to laundry room door for her to go potty. most times she lets you know when its closed. so he even neglected to take care of her.
i think the only person he didn't neglect this weekend was Lyvi J, and that was only because she screams and cries until she's fed, and he didn't want to hear it.
so i gave Ryder a snack and we went upstairs and he was asleep in 5 minutes. i go back downstairs, and Mike is already asleep on the couch again. i grab my daughter and he stirs awake. i tell him goodnight, and not to come to bed, and that was that.

i have no idea what the fuck has gotten into him lately. he isn't normally like this. he's always a really good, helpful dad. i ignore his little mess ups because theyre so minor. but this weekend? no. no it was just awful.
now, those people that read my blog and tend to spread what i say to others, don't take this as i am bashing my husband. these are facts of what happened during my weekend and this is my blog that i feel the need to vent about it before i deck him in the testicles. this isn't drama, or whatever else you might start. and no, i'm not getting a divorce because of all this shit. i'm not leaving him, blah blah blah. give him a few black eyes and possibly make it so i have to adopt my next child? maybe. he's not a jackass ALL the time, and other than this weekend, we normally don't deserve better, so. i'm glad i have that cleared up.

its just a hard time, and i have told him this. i'm sad i'm not in indiana with my family for the third Christmas in a row. i am sad that we have to bust our asses off to try to make a life for ourselves. i am completely and utterly stressed to the max on what is to come in 2013. on top of whats been going on with my ex brother, and then the whole Mollie situation, and just being exhausted in general, and not going anywhere but home and work, and being back to square one of sitting in my house all day, this isn't the time. anytime i tried to bring up house hunting and what we're looking for and ANYTHING dealing with the next year of our lives, he ignored me. now is not the time!!!! it's driving me crazy and i pray to whoever i decide to believe in that day, that this doesnt continue.

i know, 100% that i can do this on my own. i know that things would be mighty difficult but i can do anything for my children. i just shouldn't have to. i am saving all i can for our house, i am researching cities and jobs and houses, and finding ones that i like. i am planning our entire future solo. and it isn't like i don't ask him for his help or opinions, he just doesnt have a want to put an input. at this point, i know that if he doesnt get his act together and his head out of his butt, and if i DO have to do all of this on my own and deal with everything, and do whats best for my kids on my own, then he is going to go back and live with his mom. i was talking to Stephanie and she asked me whats going to happen to Mike and i, after i told her i personally couldnt give a fuck about my marriage right now. i know how bad it sounded, but let me explain.
i don't care about my marriage. i don't care about making my husband happy, or fixing things that shouldnt be there in the first place. that doesnt mean we're getting a divorce. it just means i care more about being a good mom and my children, than any man, even if he happens to be the man i married and their dad. i don't have time for games, the roller coaster of bullshit, to be put through these things and not get help when needed. i have to find a good, safe city for my two children. i need to look into good neighborhoods, research getting a loan, save for a down payment and everything else we might need until paychecks start coming in. i, more than likely, will have to find him a job before we leave here. i need to look into public/private/home schooling and decide which is best for us. i need to make sure my children have what they will need when we are struggling with money, so that they come first and foremost, every single time. i need to find a house that fits our wants and needs, and figure out what to keep and what to sell before we move. i have so much to think about, my husband means very little right now. especially when he doesnt seem to care about anyone but himself. for once i am making grown up choices and pushing him out of the picture while i focus on what i need to in life. i refuse to dwell and be sad when i need to be strong and stable for my two babies. i need to take the wheel and get things done. and i might not have him in my corner, but i sure as shit have a lot of other people.

2013 might be the most difficult year of my life. and i know that i am ready. that i can do this. with or without help. there was a lot of factors in playing why i want to move into our forever home, rather than move back to Hobart, adn the biggest part is stability. ever since Mike and i have been together nothing has been stable. we havent had a permanent home, neither have the kids. we have always known this as a temporary home. if we move back to Hobart, it would be the same thing. i just want my kids to have a home, a home they can grow into, a place where i can measure them in the doorway every year and watch them grow. a yard where my dog can run around in and go crazy. i want to start my little families forever. the smart thing yes, would be to move back to Hobart and go from there, take it day by day. but this is the first time in our relationship that we can actually choose our life, do what we have always dreamt of. i don't want to settle anymore. i want a house, our own house. and i know that i can make it work. with, or without his help. but i'll be damned if i work my ass off for my family and he skates by and expects to be part of that new life.

as much as my mom and i disagree sometimes, i am extremely glad she raised me as she did. she taught me to be independent, and showed me how to do things on my own. that i will never need a man to make things work. that all i needed were my kids and i had it all. i have never felt so strong as i do, sitting here, with both my beautiful babies asleep, one on either side of me. and Roux sleeping at our feet. i am prepared to take on this new life solo, or as a family. that choice is his. regardless, my plan is to be in Saginaw, Michigan, in October. <3
bring it on.