seventy five.

i have struggled.
my entire life. i have struggled to fit in during school. i have been picked on.
i have been beaten and brusied. and still came out alive. i never gave up. i always fought for what i want. fighting has become my life.
these last few days i have struggled with my heart, on letting my brother go. after sending messages back and forth on Facebook, he told me that he would never regret not having me, or my children in his life.
the things that have happened with my brother and i, have not put a block up with my mom. i'm so, so tired of having to hurt because of all of this. she called me tonight after saying she talked to him, and the things he said.
that he just didnt want to be hurt by me anymore. that he wants to see that i have changed but he wont do that until were home. that i have to learn to deal with the choices i have made, and lost people along the way. that i always bring everyone down with me, in every argument with everyone else. that maybe in time, things will get better. but only when we move back. that he wanted me to be apologetic for calling my aunt a bitch, and trying to make a time of grieving, about me.
i cried while i talked to my mom. i know that this, this is completely over. i have moved 2,200 miles away and have been through so much with my husband, and our two small children, to constantly live in the past. everything happened 2 and a half years ago, that is more than enough time to get over something so small. when i move home, i will need to help Michael find the four (plus 2 furbabies) of us a home, research school districts, find jobs, and struggle to get everything in place. i will not have time to patch long ago holes. my children, husband, and i, are not a convenience, to anyone. i just dont play that way. and i know that one day i will have to explain to my children who he is, and why he isnt in their life. and knowing that one simple fact, i put my foot down, and told him goodbye.

the moment i first held my son. every piece of my past fell away from me. every person that picked on me, every mean thing that was ever said. everyone that judged me for every little thing i said, wore, done, or choice. it didnt matter anymore. i had just created a life, a small perfect human being. i promised myself to let go, and live for a thousand tomorrows with my son, and now my daughter. i know that if i make every possible good decision for their lives from now, until the time that i die, then i know i will have done something right. that, is what truly matters to me. and i can do nothing more, than push forward in my life. without him by my side.

growing up, kevin was my hero. our father wasnt around, and he stepped in. i always wanted to be just like him. and now, now i am thankful that i am nothing like him at all. i have the want to forgive people for hurting me. for allowing people second chances, because everyone does deserve them. i have the power within me, to move past things and see the good left in people, and not just their bad decisions and mistakes. i have the ability to love, and love with everything that i have. i have nothing bad to say about my brother except that this is no ones loss but his own. and that we will all survive just fine without him. that he didnt deserve the spot of being my hero for so long.

whenever i heard the song "wind beneath my wings" i always thought of Kevin. i always thought that i really could fly higher than an eagle with him under my wings. but look at how far i have flown, how high i have soared, without him there at all. had i followed in his footsteps, had i done everything "right" to his perspective, i would have never met the wonderful man in my life, or had either one of our two beautiful children. i will never regret that, because they are the single most important people in my life. i know that i can walk away knowing that i have tried. time and time again. and i hope he realizes that i am gone, forever. i hope for once, he hurts. i hope he sheds a tear at losing his little sister, and never getting the chance to know his third and fourth nephew and niece. and that he will never see the happiness we all have in our lives. but i will never regret anything, not even for a minute.

i know that i have so many more people by my side, than the ones that i have lost. i have all of you, reading this, right now. i know you are all on my side, and with me every step of the way. you, have all become family. you all show me, every single day, that i am exactly where i need to be. you come to me asking for advice, asking for me to keep your secrets, you ask me my thoughts and opinions and ask for help. you look up to me, for all my choices, for all i have been through, and how strong i am. i am me, because of him. or rather, the lack of him anyway. i couldnt be happier with my life. its time to let go and move on. and teach my children to be better than that to one another. there is no time left, only goodbye.

watch me spread my wings, and fly.

-ksn.