Today, i saw my Bean. :)
i refuse to call it our "new baby" because that would make Ryder our "old baby" and that isn't true at all. Ryder will always be my baby, with a bond that no one can break since it was just the two of us from the start. <3
i can admit, i was really nervous about finding a heartbeat. but sure enough, right as i had my fingers crossed, we heard the soft thump thump of a little babies heartbeat. it was slower than Ryders and when we saw the baby, he/she wasn't as wiggly. must be a more relaxed calm baby, for now! i looked over at my son, who was sitting in his daddy's lap and he smiled. melted my heart. i now get the joy of loving two babies, more than anything in this world.
Ryder got to see hims baby brudder or sisser, and got to see hims daddy for lunch, so he was a happy boy. and hims got to eat lots of fishies too! after getting blood drawn for the genetic testing and going to the MCX, i came home, fed Ry lunch and put him down for a nap.
i was really upset yesterday because i really want a new, good, expensive Nikon for my birthday. when i brought it up to Mike, there wasn't a discussion. i get really discouraged because if i was back in Indiana, i would be making my own money and can save for what i want, instead of being told no on the big things. $20 for a few books isn't a big deal to him, but a $400 camera, that costs less than his motorcycle jacket and helmet he got, really hurt. i hate not working or having any income but out here, in the middle of nowhere, it's kind of difficult. it gets so tiring being the only responsible one, wanting to save, and feeling good when i put cash in our pickle jar. but before we buy our house, that money will more than likely be spent on the new baby things we need. it's just a constant sadness. but then again, that's life and i just hope it all works out when it needs to.
my mom knew i was upset. she's sending me birthday money. i've been talking about a Keurig for months, so she told me to buy it using her money and she would send me some K cups for it. well, after the little fight with Mike about this camera last night, i called her upset telling her i was just going to save the money and sell things until i got the camera. when i called her today she told me that i can get both things i wanted, but the camera would have to wait. she is going to put in half the money for it, and Mike will cover the other half for my birthday, and i will be getting my camera, as well as my Keurig. pictures to me are the most amazing thing, and memories that you can never get back. my mom wants to help me make my memories with my beautiful babies. i'm glad she understands. and Mike told me he was going to get me my camera with the tax refund. i just wish he could have said that last night and not hurt my feelings so much!
also, the doctor called to tell me that my nose, is a viral disease. he thinks that it is caused my stress, or sun. i don't think it's the sun, seeing as i rarely go outside. but the blisters, do look like sun blisters. he is going to switch my medicine. and i guess i will try to stay away from stress? lol. everyone keeps saying to get a second opinion and honestly, i don't have the energy! i was at Naval last Monday and Thursday, today, and tomorrow for Ryman's shots. i'm exhausted and i want to sit on my butt all day and play with my kiddo. either way, it doesn't hurt anyone, it isn't contagious and it doesn't make me sick. it just makes the middle of my face the center of attention, it looks nasty, and it just... gross. haha. so for now, i just wait.
i was really impressed with Mike tonight. he came home when i was laying down but couldn't nap and snuggled with me. we were all just playing with Ryder and the lights went out. i heard Indy jumping on the gate but not barking meaning that Mollie got out. so i grabbed my phone and called her in the house. when she went running past me i saw this white mark on her face. i freaked out thinking one of the boys attacked her. but she scraped her face on the brick getting out of the patio. it was kind of scry, but i guess she's just too little to hang with the boys. so now my chocolate weenie girl, has a white spot about her eye, poor thing. but he was beginning to annoy me during the outage. he was playing music i hate and Ryder was losing his mind, crawling around shaking his head back and forth because he doesn't like the dark. but after the lights came back on, and us eating in the dark, all three of us, Mike gave him a bath. he told me he was tired but i told him that the bottles and dishes needed to be done. so he rocked the baby to sleep, gave him a bottle, and washed the bottles and the dishes that didn't fit into the dishwasher while i chatted with my mom about books like we always do. i picked up Ry's toys and vaccumed and it felt good to be able to go to bed knowing the downstairs is picked up. and even though he was tired, i'm glad he helped me. now, i really, really need to find the time to clean this bedroom for him, haha.
things seem to be looking up around here. i know there will still be a lot of ups and downs, but because he is handling things better, so am i. so we are growing. and being more of a team and adults. it's still going to take a lot of time, and i honestly don't think it will be where we need it to be, or want it to be, until things get settled outside of the Marine Corps. and most days lately, i know that we can make it until then. :)
-ks.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
five.
i hope this week stays as good as today.
because Mike was really amazing.
he had 24 hour duty last night and Ryder and i went to see him on his chow break, and brought him some snackies. as we were leaving, he kisses me, tells me he loves me, and tells me that i'm a good wife. it felt really good to hear that. it made me realize that he was listening when i talked to him the night before.
Ry and i walked to the truck smiling.
i actually missed him last night. here i am, not really feeling anything all Deployment because there isn't anything i can do to change it, and i miss him on 24 hour duty.
i tried sleeping with Ry in my bed and i realized, it's impossible to sleep with this child anymore! i was punched, kicked, jabbed, and in the end, when i finally gave up and put him back in bed, his head was down by my feet, when it was next to my face when we started, lol.
Mike got home when Ryder was waking up, and fed him a bottle and played with him, then went and brought home breakfast. i let him sleep for a little while, knowing he hadn't had any, while Ryder and i played downstairs.
i woke him up because we had things to do. we had to go get Ryders WIC food. i had asked him to do this 2 weeks ago, but then we misplaced the checks. i found them, but today, i couldn't find the folder. i was so irritated. i try my hardest to stay organized but when i have loads and loads of things built up that i need to do, it just, dies. so after checking the house and the car, which the baby was already in, i told Mike to forget it, and went inside. i told him, in a calm manor, that this is why i needed help around here, because i was losing my mind and everything important.
well, we finally found it, after asking Ryder, who was no help but he was the one that had it last, like so many other things, haha. and we were on our way.
i made sure to lose the attitude, because we had found it, and were getting what we needed done.
when we got home, he started doing the things i have been asking him to do. cleaning the dog poo, fixing all the bricks in the back so we could let the puppies out longer, instead of them having accidents in the house, and cleaning out their kennels since, they're not all the way potty trained yet. i went upstairs and rocked Ry to sleep for his nap and read a little in my book. i went downstairs to he wonderful smell of bleach, since he knows i like a good smelling house. and i had asked him to mop or swiffer all last week. we heard the baby wake up and he grabbed the bleach water bucket and went outside and dumped it down the hill. he learned from his last mistake. while i fed Ryder hims dinner, Mike left to get me the subway i had said that i wanted, and bottled water. while i ate, he gave Ryder his bath, and then made himself something, while playing with him. he put him to bed too. he took out the trash like i asked, and put the dogs to bed. we went upstairs and he gave me some lovin. all in all, it was a good day and i hope that we can keep having a good week.
monday, we finally get to see Bean.
and next weekend is my birthday. i will be turning 23. in many ways, that number has changed and saved my life. so, i hope it brings me lots of luck this year. <3
my little boy is no little boy anymore. today, he stood up in his pack n play. he always wants to jump. he bent his knees, and stood back up and help it for a few seconds. i squealed a little. then after bath, Mike said he stood up for a good 30 seconds. and after bath, he stood up for a few more. mommys big boy is getting more and more brave. now, he just needs to learn to take a step. he no longer just, falls. he gets scared standing so he slowly bends now to get on all fours. he's adorable! and i see a few pairs of new cute baby shoes in the near future for mommys little walker! gosh, he is so handsome, and so perfect. he's the best thing ever given to me. and though i know i will miss the ribbons, tutus, and bows, i would be okay with such another perfect little lover boy in my life. i love you bubbaloo, so, so very much! :D
because Mike was really amazing.
he had 24 hour duty last night and Ryder and i went to see him on his chow break, and brought him some snackies. as we were leaving, he kisses me, tells me he loves me, and tells me that i'm a good wife. it felt really good to hear that. it made me realize that he was listening when i talked to him the night before.
Ry and i walked to the truck smiling.
i actually missed him last night. here i am, not really feeling anything all Deployment because there isn't anything i can do to change it, and i miss him on 24 hour duty.
i tried sleeping with Ry in my bed and i realized, it's impossible to sleep with this child anymore! i was punched, kicked, jabbed, and in the end, when i finally gave up and put him back in bed, his head was down by my feet, when it was next to my face when we started, lol.
Mike got home when Ryder was waking up, and fed him a bottle and played with him, then went and brought home breakfast. i let him sleep for a little while, knowing he hadn't had any, while Ryder and i played downstairs.
i woke him up because we had things to do. we had to go get Ryders WIC food. i had asked him to do this 2 weeks ago, but then we misplaced the checks. i found them, but today, i couldn't find the folder. i was so irritated. i try my hardest to stay organized but when i have loads and loads of things built up that i need to do, it just, dies. so after checking the house and the car, which the baby was already in, i told Mike to forget it, and went inside. i told him, in a calm manor, that this is why i needed help around here, because i was losing my mind and everything important.
well, we finally found it, after asking Ryder, who was no help but he was the one that had it last, like so many other things, haha. and we were on our way.
i made sure to lose the attitude, because we had found it, and were getting what we needed done.
when we got home, he started doing the things i have been asking him to do. cleaning the dog poo, fixing all the bricks in the back so we could let the puppies out longer, instead of them having accidents in the house, and cleaning out their kennels since, they're not all the way potty trained yet. i went upstairs and rocked Ry to sleep for his nap and read a little in my book. i went downstairs to he wonderful smell of bleach, since he knows i like a good smelling house. and i had asked him to mop or swiffer all last week. we heard the baby wake up and he grabbed the bleach water bucket and went outside and dumped it down the hill. he learned from his last mistake. while i fed Ryder hims dinner, Mike left to get me the subway i had said that i wanted, and bottled water. while i ate, he gave Ryder his bath, and then made himself something, while playing with him. he put him to bed too. he took out the trash like i asked, and put the dogs to bed. we went upstairs and he gave me some lovin. all in all, it was a good day and i hope that we can keep having a good week.
monday, we finally get to see Bean.
and next weekend is my birthday. i will be turning 23. in many ways, that number has changed and saved my life. so, i hope it brings me lots of luck this year. <3
my little boy is no little boy anymore. today, he stood up in his pack n play. he always wants to jump. he bent his knees, and stood back up and help it for a few seconds. i squealed a little. then after bath, Mike said he stood up for a good 30 seconds. and after bath, he stood up for a few more. mommys big boy is getting more and more brave. now, he just needs to learn to take a step. he no longer just, falls. he gets scared standing so he slowly bends now to get on all fours. he's adorable! and i see a few pairs of new cute baby shoes in the near future for mommys little walker! gosh, he is so handsome, and so perfect. he's the best thing ever given to me. and though i know i will miss the ribbons, tutus, and bows, i would be okay with such another perfect little lover boy in my life. i love you bubbaloo, so, so very much! :D
Saturday, January 28, 2012
four.
sometimes i wonder, what i'm doing sitting here.
i take online classes for Criminal Justice. i suppose this is as close as i can get right now.
but my heart isn't there.
i know who i want to be, where i want to be, and where i want to make a difference.
every time i hear something, or read something, about a small child losing their life, a story of child abuse, my heart wrenches. it isn't because it's the most terrible thing someone can do, it's because, i want to help. that, that to me is my calling. i just don't know how to get there.
the other morning, when my son woke up at 6 am because he was teething and wanted mommy, i brought him into bed with me. usually at night, he just sleeps in his diaper. we live in the desert and he demands his blankie at night so it's warm enough. i'm holding him, exhausted from only going to bed hours earlier after a long day of house work. his tiny little head is laid on my shoulder. his soft blonde hair getting longer by the day. and his blue eyes, staring up over our bed at the window. the sun was just starting to come up, color creeping through the blinds, and i just watch him, exhaustion forgotten, marveling at the only world he knows. he's beautiful, that little boy. i ran my fingers up and down his smooth, soft back and across his tiny shoulder blades. i kissed his eyelashes as i so often do. and i thought to myself. i wish the world was as beautiful and as innocent as this perfect 9 month old baby. all my son knows, is love. i love him, unconditionally. i can be in the worst of moods and he brings me out of it. i can be so tired i want to cry, but if he needs me, i am there in an instant. i live for his giggles, his silly little quarks, his every breath. i could not imagine every wanting to harm my child, or getting angry with him to such a level. i would never want to bruise, or mark, his perfect tiny body. how could you ever, ever do that?!
infants die, everyday from abuse from their parents. i have read cases where mothers have put their newborns in a washing machine and let it run. or cutting off their little fingers, or toes, or any other part of their body. there are mothers that starve their babies, leave them in trash cans. there are mothers that sell their children for drugs, or anything else.
not only infants, but small children. there are thousands of abandoned children every day. children that dress themselves in the same clothes as yesterday, pack their own lunch with barely having any food. children that cry silent tears, cover their marks, not knowing when their last day will be. parents belittle them into nothing, it's disgusting. and people just turn their noses, ignore what's happening in this world. as children die, because of it. i can't stand it. i want to do something, i have to do something.
there are no words.
-ks.
i take online classes for Criminal Justice. i suppose this is as close as i can get right now.
but my heart isn't there.
i know who i want to be, where i want to be, and where i want to make a difference.
every time i hear something, or read something, about a small child losing their life, a story of child abuse, my heart wrenches. it isn't because it's the most terrible thing someone can do, it's because, i want to help. that, that to me is my calling. i just don't know how to get there.
the other morning, when my son woke up at 6 am because he was teething and wanted mommy, i brought him into bed with me. usually at night, he just sleeps in his diaper. we live in the desert and he demands his blankie at night so it's warm enough. i'm holding him, exhausted from only going to bed hours earlier after a long day of house work. his tiny little head is laid on my shoulder. his soft blonde hair getting longer by the day. and his blue eyes, staring up over our bed at the window. the sun was just starting to come up, color creeping through the blinds, and i just watch him, exhaustion forgotten, marveling at the only world he knows. he's beautiful, that little boy. i ran my fingers up and down his smooth, soft back and across his tiny shoulder blades. i kissed his eyelashes as i so often do. and i thought to myself. i wish the world was as beautiful and as innocent as this perfect 9 month old baby. all my son knows, is love. i love him, unconditionally. i can be in the worst of moods and he brings me out of it. i can be so tired i want to cry, but if he needs me, i am there in an instant. i live for his giggles, his silly little quarks, his every breath. i could not imagine every wanting to harm my child, or getting angry with him to such a level. i would never want to bruise, or mark, his perfect tiny body. how could you ever, ever do that?!
infants die, everyday from abuse from their parents. i have read cases where mothers have put their newborns in a washing machine and let it run. or cutting off their little fingers, or toes, or any other part of their body. there are mothers that starve their babies, leave them in trash cans. there are mothers that sell their children for drugs, or anything else.
not only infants, but small children. there are thousands of abandoned children every day. children that dress themselves in the same clothes as yesterday, pack their own lunch with barely having any food. children that cry silent tears, cover their marks, not knowing when their last day will be. parents belittle them into nothing, it's disgusting. and people just turn their noses, ignore what's happening in this world. as children die, because of it. i can't stand it. i want to do something, i have to do something.
there are no words.
-ks.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
three.
this will be short.
but after getting on Mike's old facebook page, i do have to admit, he's a much better father than his friends, (minus amish man of course.) and even, a better mother. maybe i'm too wrapped around my sons finger, but i hate, hate, hate when parents complain about their babies or children. complain about being tired, getting annoyed because the lack of sleep, and handing their kids off, to go motorcycle riding! one of Mikes friends had a son a month ago and has been street racing every day this week. while his fiance or whatever, goes riding her motorcycle. one of his friends just had a daughter, wasn't present for the entire pregnancy, now that's all he posts about. however, i do know, he will make a great father, so i won't knock him too much. i guess i have high standards for myself as a parent, or we just got blessed with an awesome child. and i'm glad that neither Mike, nor i, have anything to complain about with Ryder. even if he was a big brat, we still wouldn't. and i'm proud of who he has become as a dad. even if he makes me mad and messes up sometimes, i know he loves Ryder a whole, whole lot. as much as he knows how to. our son is perfect in every single possible way.
love you stinkbutt!
but after getting on Mike's old facebook page, i do have to admit, he's a much better father than his friends, (minus amish man of course.) and even, a better mother. maybe i'm too wrapped around my sons finger, but i hate, hate, hate when parents complain about their babies or children. complain about being tired, getting annoyed because the lack of sleep, and handing their kids off, to go motorcycle riding! one of Mikes friends had a son a month ago and has been street racing every day this week. while his fiance or whatever, goes riding her motorcycle. one of his friends just had a daughter, wasn't present for the entire pregnancy, now that's all he posts about. however, i do know, he will make a great father, so i won't knock him too much. i guess i have high standards for myself as a parent, or we just got blessed with an awesome child. and i'm glad that neither Mike, nor i, have anything to complain about with Ryder. even if he was a big brat, we still wouldn't. and i'm proud of who he has become as a dad. even if he makes me mad and messes up sometimes, i know he loves Ryder a whole, whole lot. as much as he knows how to. our son is perfect in every single possible way.
love you stinkbutt!
two.
today has been too long already.
i am at my wits end in life, and i honestly have no idea how much more i can take.
everyday, i deal with way too much, with no help, with no "thank you" or recognition. Mike comes home just for me to be ignored, unless he wants sex of course. i have no help, at all. why be married if i'm doing it all on my own anyway?
i've constantly told Mike since he got back from Deployment. when you get home from work, stay home. if you have something you need to do, wait until Ryder is in bed. it's only fair to the poor baby! this entire past week i have had a migraine. my contact prescription is 3 years old, my eyes have changed dramatically, and last paycheck i knew we couldn't afford to get my glasses. Monday morning i go downstairs to a dirty house. dishes and bottles, the floors were gross because of the puppies, the cages were nasty. instead of cleaning out Scouts kennel, Mike just puts him in with Indy at night. it makes Scout not whine, or poop, but still. that's completely irresponsible. i bite my tongue and do the housework. but there is nothing i hate more than a dirty house waking up on Monday. i told Mike i will never be in a good mood on Mondays because i wake up and realize how little he helps me out when he can. i try to be patient during the week, he has long days, but there is no excuse on the weekends. he seems to think all he has to do is work. he has an easy job, though he has to wake up early, and complains about it. i wake up early, and stay up late, i'm exhausted and i rarely have time to eat because of all i have to get done. that i shouldn't have to get done because i deserve help.
this week, really just needs to end. i am beyond irritated. Tuesday i woke up, extremely dizzy with a headache, my eyes were throbbing. i can't wear my old glasses because the prescription is even older, making my head hurt worse. Ryder woke up at 6am, and wouldn't go back to sleep. i understand that, he's teething, which doesn't feel good. i have no problems waking up and playing with him. when he went down for a nap, i still had housework to do, so i wasn't able to take one myself. when Mike got home, he went to put gas in the truck, and air up his bike tires. Ryder woke up shortly after he left. when Mike gets home, Ryder wants to play with him. he knows who his dad is and has been waiting for him all day long. but again, we come second to what Mike wants to get done. which, never helps me out whatsoever. i was frustrated but i let it go. i ended p falling asleep on the couch for 45 minutes, after Mike said he wanted to go get soda. Ryder had been eating dinner at the time he was putting his shoes on, so i told him to wait a half hour for his food to digest, and take him with so i could have some "me" time. where i didn't have to constantly get up and down, up and down. to chase Ry or the puppies. i woke up, and Mike was in his pajamas, he never left. instead he was drinking my capri suns, one after another. which i had boughten for myself. i do the grocery shopping, if you want an input, make a list, or come with. i ignored him and didn't allow him the chance to give Ryder a bath like usual. i just took him upstairs and did it myself, and put him to bed at 9. Mike went to bed at 9:30, without doing anything i had asked him to do when he got home. and when i had told him about what happened with Lindsay, and told him i had to delete my blog, i said this, with tears in my eyes, he just looked at me. when he knows how much blogging and writing mean to me. couldn't he have at least said something to make the situation better?
yesterday wasn't much better. i was doing more housework than i wanted to do. there is multiple things that have needed to be done for weeks. our bedroom and folding and washing laundry. but by the time i get the things done that need to be done first, because i get no help, i'm too run down to even start it all. i ran the dishwasher again, i swiffered and washed bottles, the things i had asked Mike to do. we are run down on WIC, Ryder is on his last jars of food. i told Mike he needed to learn how to get our WIC, so i didn't have to do it all the time. i asked him to go on Saturday. he never went. i wasn't feeling well yesterday either but the same thing, i didn't get a nap, after Ryder woke up really early. i was pissed off about my nose thing, but i got over it, played with my son, and started training Scout in little commands. the puppies still haven't gotten the hang of potty training completely yet, but they're trying. so i don't get angry anymore. they stay in the kitchen after eating, and it has been over a week since they pooped in Ryders play corner. i can handle that. well, Mike gets home and Ryder is asleep. it's 4:30. Mike says hello and kisses me and goes upstairs. he called me earlier yesterday to tell me he was taking duty on Friday, so he could have my birthday weekend off. but told me to cancel the Spouse dinner and the Base Babyshower because he would be in the field so he couldnt watch Ry. of course, the things i want to do, never, ever happen. but i tried to sound happy because he gets my birthday off. but when he got home, that all went out the window.
he's getting his uniform together for Duty, he isn't done until 6:00. it really took him an hour and a half?! i hear Ry babbling around 5:30, and i figured Mike would get him and bring him down. 15 minutes passed and still, nothing. he came downstairs and asked if i could help him with his shirt stays. i looked at him, and said, "i hear Ryder." he said, "yeah, i'm going to get him when i'm done with this stuff."... really?!?! unless i am dead asleep, when my son wakes up and i hear him, i get him out of his crib and bring him downstairs and play with him. when i play with him, my laptop is put away, my book is in my room, i text occasionally, but usually not. so, i go upstairs to get him and feed him his dinner and play with him. Mike comes downstairs to ask how his uniform looked and i shrugged and went back to Ryder.. who is crawling after his dad. and Mike just.. walks away.
at this point, i am literally in tears. this has happened so much lately. i feel so, so bad for my son. Mike asked why i looked like that and i told him, "as much as i feel bad for myself and rarely getting time with you, i feel even worse for your son that doesn't know any better and waits all day to play with his dad." i told him again that he needed to wait until Ryder's bed time to focus on himself, i didn't care what the fuck time my child went to bed. he deserves to come first.
after Ryder was in bed we watched Water for Elephants. in the middle i look at him. i asked him why he had only kissed me once since he got home, and he only tells me he loves me when he leaves in the morning. he has forgotten to even say goodnight the last week. then i asked him, how come he never makes me feel good about myself. about the blog thing. i told him how many page views i had only in a few hours, he said, "thats a shit ton." that's all. not "well, thats because youre a good writer and people love your words." or ANYTHING encouraging. and thats when i started tearing up again, and i told him, "i can't remember the last time you told me that you were proud of me, or thanked me, for anything." he tells me he does all the time. but i have been waiting, for something, anything. and i get nothing. for anything i go through or do. you know how heartbreaking that is? i hear it from all my friends and yes, that makes me feel so good. but why can't i hear it from my husband? i ahve been trying more lately to thank him for doing good things, or the things i ask him to. i look at him, say "thank you for...." and kiss him. positive reinforcement. but i get.... nothing.
a little bit later, he put his arm around me and kissed me. then started going up my shirt like he wanted to get some. my sex drive isn't even there anymore. maybe because i'm exhausted, maybe because i get no help, or i feel bad about myself. but, we might have sex once a week. i honestly can not remember the last time we did. i laughed and said, "so, how does it feel, only getting sex once a week?" and he told me, that it was "fucking annoying" i look at him, i scowled. and told him, "you know what? maybe if you actually helped me around here and treated me decently, instead of just sticking your hand in my pants and grabbing at me when you want sex. maybe if you said or did nice and sweet things, you'd get it more." he used his infamous line, "you know i'm not sweet.", like he always does. i told him, we have been together for 2 and a half freakin years. that excuse no longer works. he has had more than enough time to learn to be somewhat sweet, and tell me nice things. so, i pushed him away from me and continued watching my movie. he went to bed right after. i followed him with my book. i looked at him and i told him, "mike, i honestly feel like you just use me for sex. with nothing ever between us, no affection, unless you want something, that's how i feel. and it hurts."
he rolled over, and fell asleep.
i realized today, just how alone i was in this world. just my son and i. how very little my husband cares about either one of us. we were talking the other day and i said that i was sad that soon it wouldnt just be me and my little boy anymore. he told me that, we rushed this baby. do you understand how absolutely devastating that was?! he pulled all this with Ryder. and then, i understood a little better. it was both our first babies and it was a big step. but Mike had been talking about another baby since right after Ryder was born. when i went in to get the Mirena, he told me he wasn't sure he wanted me to or not. i did anyway, and then switched to the ring because of the hormonal imbalances i was feeling on the Mirena. a few weeks before Mike came home, i sat him down on Skype, to really talk about another baby. i told him, if he had any doubts at all, i wasn't going to do it. he told me he was absolutely sure, 100% i left the decision up to him because, i didn't mind either way. that if he felt ready to extend one more, that i would do that, for him. i understood how difficult it was for him to miss the first 6 months. i wanted to give him that chance to experience it, if he wanted it. i asked him, multiple times throughout the time he was gone. and it was always, "yes, i want to do this, i want another baby." and on that night, he told me to take the birth control out. that we were going to do this. so, i did. even when we were fighting after he got home, and i told him i wanted to leave him, take Ryder back to indiana, and how i told him, he needed to pull out if we had sex. he never did. he told me, "i don't care if you leave me. i want us to work, and be a family and there is no one i can imagine myself having kids with." and for him to tell me this the other night, i want to die. i can't believe my life has come to this...
i tell myself, to just breathe. that one day, it will either get better and if it doesn't, that i will find myself a way out for my two children. either way, i can not give up. crying is not a sign of weakness, ever since i was born, it's been a sign that i have been alive. <3
-ks.
i am at my wits end in life, and i honestly have no idea how much more i can take.
everyday, i deal with way too much, with no help, with no "thank you" or recognition. Mike comes home just for me to be ignored, unless he wants sex of course. i have no help, at all. why be married if i'm doing it all on my own anyway?
i've constantly told Mike since he got back from Deployment. when you get home from work, stay home. if you have something you need to do, wait until Ryder is in bed. it's only fair to the poor baby! this entire past week i have had a migraine. my contact prescription is 3 years old, my eyes have changed dramatically, and last paycheck i knew we couldn't afford to get my glasses. Monday morning i go downstairs to a dirty house. dishes and bottles, the floors were gross because of the puppies, the cages were nasty. instead of cleaning out Scouts kennel, Mike just puts him in with Indy at night. it makes Scout not whine, or poop, but still. that's completely irresponsible. i bite my tongue and do the housework. but there is nothing i hate more than a dirty house waking up on Monday. i told Mike i will never be in a good mood on Mondays because i wake up and realize how little he helps me out when he can. i try to be patient during the week, he has long days, but there is no excuse on the weekends. he seems to think all he has to do is work. he has an easy job, though he has to wake up early, and complains about it. i wake up early, and stay up late, i'm exhausted and i rarely have time to eat because of all i have to get done. that i shouldn't have to get done because i deserve help.
this week, really just needs to end. i am beyond irritated. Tuesday i woke up, extremely dizzy with a headache, my eyes were throbbing. i can't wear my old glasses because the prescription is even older, making my head hurt worse. Ryder woke up at 6am, and wouldn't go back to sleep. i understand that, he's teething, which doesn't feel good. i have no problems waking up and playing with him. when he went down for a nap, i still had housework to do, so i wasn't able to take one myself. when Mike got home, he went to put gas in the truck, and air up his bike tires. Ryder woke up shortly after he left. when Mike gets home, Ryder wants to play with him. he knows who his dad is and has been waiting for him all day long. but again, we come second to what Mike wants to get done. which, never helps me out whatsoever. i was frustrated but i let it go. i ended p falling asleep on the couch for 45 minutes, after Mike said he wanted to go get soda. Ryder had been eating dinner at the time he was putting his shoes on, so i told him to wait a half hour for his food to digest, and take him with so i could have some "me" time. where i didn't have to constantly get up and down, up and down. to chase Ry or the puppies. i woke up, and Mike was in his pajamas, he never left. instead he was drinking my capri suns, one after another. which i had boughten for myself. i do the grocery shopping, if you want an input, make a list, or come with. i ignored him and didn't allow him the chance to give Ryder a bath like usual. i just took him upstairs and did it myself, and put him to bed at 9. Mike went to bed at 9:30, without doing anything i had asked him to do when he got home. and when i had told him about what happened with Lindsay, and told him i had to delete my blog, i said this, with tears in my eyes, he just looked at me. when he knows how much blogging and writing mean to me. couldn't he have at least said something to make the situation better?
yesterday wasn't much better. i was doing more housework than i wanted to do. there is multiple things that have needed to be done for weeks. our bedroom and folding and washing laundry. but by the time i get the things done that need to be done first, because i get no help, i'm too run down to even start it all. i ran the dishwasher again, i swiffered and washed bottles, the things i had asked Mike to do. we are run down on WIC, Ryder is on his last jars of food. i told Mike he needed to learn how to get our WIC, so i didn't have to do it all the time. i asked him to go on Saturday. he never went. i wasn't feeling well yesterday either but the same thing, i didn't get a nap, after Ryder woke up really early. i was pissed off about my nose thing, but i got over it, played with my son, and started training Scout in little commands. the puppies still haven't gotten the hang of potty training completely yet, but they're trying. so i don't get angry anymore. they stay in the kitchen after eating, and it has been over a week since they pooped in Ryders play corner. i can handle that. well, Mike gets home and Ryder is asleep. it's 4:30. Mike says hello and kisses me and goes upstairs. he called me earlier yesterday to tell me he was taking duty on Friday, so he could have my birthday weekend off. but told me to cancel the Spouse dinner and the Base Babyshower because he would be in the field so he couldnt watch Ry. of course, the things i want to do, never, ever happen. but i tried to sound happy because he gets my birthday off. but when he got home, that all went out the window.
he's getting his uniform together for Duty, he isn't done until 6:00. it really took him an hour and a half?! i hear Ry babbling around 5:30, and i figured Mike would get him and bring him down. 15 minutes passed and still, nothing. he came downstairs and asked if i could help him with his shirt stays. i looked at him, and said, "i hear Ryder." he said, "yeah, i'm going to get him when i'm done with this stuff."... really?!?! unless i am dead asleep, when my son wakes up and i hear him, i get him out of his crib and bring him downstairs and play with him. when i play with him, my laptop is put away, my book is in my room, i text occasionally, but usually not. so, i go upstairs to get him and feed him his dinner and play with him. Mike comes downstairs to ask how his uniform looked and i shrugged and went back to Ryder.. who is crawling after his dad. and Mike just.. walks away.
at this point, i am literally in tears. this has happened so much lately. i feel so, so bad for my son. Mike asked why i looked like that and i told him, "as much as i feel bad for myself and rarely getting time with you, i feel even worse for your son that doesn't know any better and waits all day to play with his dad." i told him again that he needed to wait until Ryder's bed time to focus on himself, i didn't care what the fuck time my child went to bed. he deserves to come first.
after Ryder was in bed we watched Water for Elephants. in the middle i look at him. i asked him why he had only kissed me once since he got home, and he only tells me he loves me when he leaves in the morning. he has forgotten to even say goodnight the last week. then i asked him, how come he never makes me feel good about myself. about the blog thing. i told him how many page views i had only in a few hours, he said, "thats a shit ton." that's all. not "well, thats because youre a good writer and people love your words." or ANYTHING encouraging. and thats when i started tearing up again, and i told him, "i can't remember the last time you told me that you were proud of me, or thanked me, for anything." he tells me he does all the time. but i have been waiting, for something, anything. and i get nothing. for anything i go through or do. you know how heartbreaking that is? i hear it from all my friends and yes, that makes me feel so good. but why can't i hear it from my husband? i ahve been trying more lately to thank him for doing good things, or the things i ask him to. i look at him, say "thank you for...." and kiss him. positive reinforcement. but i get.... nothing.
a little bit later, he put his arm around me and kissed me. then started going up my shirt like he wanted to get some. my sex drive isn't even there anymore. maybe because i'm exhausted, maybe because i get no help, or i feel bad about myself. but, we might have sex once a week. i honestly can not remember the last time we did. i laughed and said, "so, how does it feel, only getting sex once a week?" and he told me, that it was "fucking annoying" i look at him, i scowled. and told him, "you know what? maybe if you actually helped me around here and treated me decently, instead of just sticking your hand in my pants and grabbing at me when you want sex. maybe if you said or did nice and sweet things, you'd get it more." he used his infamous line, "you know i'm not sweet.", like he always does. i told him, we have been together for 2 and a half freakin years. that excuse no longer works. he has had more than enough time to learn to be somewhat sweet, and tell me nice things. so, i pushed him away from me and continued watching my movie. he went to bed right after. i followed him with my book. i looked at him and i told him, "mike, i honestly feel like you just use me for sex. with nothing ever between us, no affection, unless you want something, that's how i feel. and it hurts."
he rolled over, and fell asleep.
i realized today, just how alone i was in this world. just my son and i. how very little my husband cares about either one of us. we were talking the other day and i said that i was sad that soon it wouldnt just be me and my little boy anymore. he told me that, we rushed this baby. do you understand how absolutely devastating that was?! he pulled all this with Ryder. and then, i understood a little better. it was both our first babies and it was a big step. but Mike had been talking about another baby since right after Ryder was born. when i went in to get the Mirena, he told me he wasn't sure he wanted me to or not. i did anyway, and then switched to the ring because of the hormonal imbalances i was feeling on the Mirena. a few weeks before Mike came home, i sat him down on Skype, to really talk about another baby. i told him, if he had any doubts at all, i wasn't going to do it. he told me he was absolutely sure, 100% i left the decision up to him because, i didn't mind either way. that if he felt ready to extend one more, that i would do that, for him. i understood how difficult it was for him to miss the first 6 months. i wanted to give him that chance to experience it, if he wanted it. i asked him, multiple times throughout the time he was gone. and it was always, "yes, i want to do this, i want another baby." and on that night, he told me to take the birth control out. that we were going to do this. so, i did. even when we were fighting after he got home, and i told him i wanted to leave him, take Ryder back to indiana, and how i told him, he needed to pull out if we had sex. he never did. he told me, "i don't care if you leave me. i want us to work, and be a family and there is no one i can imagine myself having kids with." and for him to tell me this the other night, i want to die. i can't believe my life has come to this...
i tell myself, to just breathe. that one day, it will either get better and if it doesn't, that i will find myself a way out for my two children. either way, i can not give up. crying is not a sign of weakness, ever since i was born, it's been a sign that i have been alive. <3
-ks.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
one.
i have been writing since i can remember.
all i have ever had, was my words. since the night before Michael got home, i had written almost 30 thousand words in my previous blog. i do not want to total up how many i have written in my blogger blogs from the last year and a half of my life. since the sixth grade, i have kept a handwritten journal, i have written poetry, and stories, and parts of my life. in notebook, on blogs, in pen, in pencil, in books that ask me questions, in a notebook filled with my husband and i's memories. i read words, everyday, in books. words, are everywhere. and mine, will never be taken away from me.
last night as i was sitting in the bathtub, unwinding from the terrible day i had. i wondered what my life would be like if i was a mute. if i had those words, but couldn't use them. what if, i was blind, and couldnt read words. what if some crazy thing happened, and i ran out of words. i could not imagine my life without speaking, writing, or reading. in the last few years, words have become me. they are in every fiber of my being. every happy moment, or sad moment, every fight, joy, sadness. they all have words. and who is anyone in this world, to take that away from me? ever? not yesterday, or tomorrow, or next year. i will continue to write, for the rest of my life. i refuse to stop. i am not weak, nor am i afraid. i have never been afraid, and never will i ever be again.
i refuse to let someone, as ignorant as lindsay or her friends, or my in laws, or anyone else in this world, tell me, or threaten me into stopping writing. i got multiple messages yesterday, and posts on my Facebook, asking me not to delete my blog. that i have made too much of an impact on other lives, that i was an inspiration, that people needed my words. how can i let so many people down, by not writing any longer? i just can't.
it doesn't matter how many times i have to delete and restart my blogs. by gosh, i'm going to do it. and it isn't even for myself anymore. it's for everyone else that counts on me, my words, my experiences, and life. everyday, and all the time. <3
have at it. :)
-ks.
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