four.

sometimes i wonder, what i'm doing sitting here.
i take online classes for Criminal Justice. i suppose this is as close as i can get right now.
but my heart isn't there.
i know who i want to be, where i want to be, and where i want to make a difference.
every time i hear something, or read something, about a small child losing their life, a story of child abuse, my heart wrenches. it isn't because it's the most terrible thing someone can do, it's because, i want to help. that, that to me is my calling. i just don't know how to get there.

the other morning, when my son woke up at 6 am because he was teething and wanted mommy, i brought him into bed with me. usually at night, he just sleeps in his diaper. we live in the desert and he demands his blankie at night so it's warm enough. i'm holding him, exhausted from only going to bed hours earlier after a long day of house work. his tiny little head is laid on my shoulder. his soft blonde hair getting longer by the day. and his blue eyes, staring up over our bed at the window. the sun was just starting to come up, color creeping through the blinds, and i just watch him, exhaustion forgotten, marveling at the only world he knows. he's beautiful, that little boy. i ran my fingers up and down his smooth, soft back and across his tiny shoulder blades. i kissed his eyelashes as i so often do. and i thought to myself. i wish the world was as beautiful and as innocent as this perfect 9 month old baby. all my son knows, is love. i love him, unconditionally. i can be in the worst of moods and he brings me out of it. i can be so tired i want to cry, but if he needs me, i am there in an instant. i live for his giggles, his silly little quarks, his every breath. i could not imagine every wanting to harm my child, or getting angry with him to such a level. i would never want to bruise, or mark, his perfect tiny body. how could you ever, ever do that?!

infants die, everyday from abuse from their parents. i have read cases where mothers have put their newborns in a washing machine and let it run. or cutting off their little fingers, or toes, or any other part of their body. there are mothers that starve their babies, leave them in trash cans. there are mothers that sell their children for drugs, or anything else.

not only infants, but small children. there are thousands of abandoned children every day. children that dress themselves in the same clothes as yesterday, pack their own lunch with barely having any food. children that cry silent tears, cover their marks, not knowing when their last day will be. parents belittle them into nothing, it's disgusting. and people just turn their noses, ignore what's happening in this world. as children die, because of it. i can't stand it.  i want to do something, i have to do something.

there are no words.

-ks.