seventy three.

here we are again.
i have decided with everything i am going through, to start my blog again. i do not feel the need to start over completely, because my life is still going. strong and steady, every single day. so many changes have happened since i last posted, and so many new things are about to come. please excuse the next half a book full of jumbled up garbage as i clear my brain.

i have started a new job!
finally, after two years of being out here and being pregnant, i walked into a job i have been wanting three weeks after Lyvi J was born. i work as a tumbling teacher at a small Studio in the desert. i couldnt be more thankful to be given this opportunity, but it has a price.
its kind of like, a bad relationship.
i love going in and seeing the girls work hard and learn new things, and hear about their dad. but i don't coach along side my mom anymore, these girls are not OUR girls. and a lot of these girls remind me of the gym back home. i miss our gym, i miss everything about home lately. walking into the studio, knowing i will either be teaching alone, or with melissa, breaks my heart a little bit. there is no purple and white, it's simply panel mats, and melissa and i teach completely different. honestly, most days i feel intimidated by her, rather than what i have always felt at Merrillville. i'm sure that's because i grew up in that gym, Diane and Shenley and Nick have known me since before i was born, and those girls, were ours. i was looked up to, i knew how to have a voice. here, things are just completely different. for awhile after i started i knew i was going to be sad to leave it all behind, after spending a year with eveyrone. but lately i just can not wait to go home. my mom told me that Diane asked when i was coming home, they ask about the babies, and how we all are doing. Shen is like a big sister to me and i know i can talk to her about anything. at the Studio i feel like my life is private, that i don't have any sort of connection with anyone at all. maybe thats just me not coming out of my bubble and i hope soon that things change. i think i just left my confidence back on that purple rod floor.

Mike and i have been doing amazing. it really amazes me how far we have come in the last 3 months. we are a team, and a damned good one at that. we are beginning to learn to juggle life, the babies, ourselves, and each other. we seem to communicate a little better now. we still don't have much time to be a married couple but as long as our babies are happy, thats all i can ask for. our time will come, i just know it. right now there is too much more important things to focus on.
we have decided to get out of the Marine Corps as soon as we can, and try our hand at moving home. we're both terrified. we have a lot to risk with two children now. we have so much to think about, but i really think it's time to leave this life behind. in the last few months it has made us realize this more than ever. i miss my mom, i want to have a better relationship with my in laws, i want to share my children. i want to be able to go to work without having to worry about who and where my children are staying. i honestly, just want to stop worrying so much.
moving home, hits a completely different string lately as well. i want to move home and be near the few people i would like in our lives, but the other part of me wants to run away and never look back. since moving out here i have realized that... no one really cares about me, my life, or my little family. during my most difficult time, not one person called me up to see how i was handling things. no one visited, no one lent a hand. i will give credit where credit is due, and my aunt Cathy did help Mike out while he was out there and we are forever grateful for that. my sister took her family to Disney, and hasn't come to see us. she hasn't even said one word to me about my daughter either. my brother lived 10 hours away from us and didn't talk to me whatsoever during that period of time. in fact, i sent him a photo of Lyvi on halloween and he has to ask me who it was that was texting him. THAT, is why i want nothing to do with family. it hurts me, i can handle that. i can deal better than most. but the moment those actions and people hurt my children, no. that's enough. i will never understand what i did wrong, to anyone. and as much as my mom wants us to all get along when i move home, and reconcile with one another, i know that will not happen. i refuse to allow it to.

my children are everything to me. Ryder is growing up so fast, but not too fast in many ways. he's still a little snuggle bug, and is a baby at heart. but he knows so many words and he is so smart, it never ceases to amaze me. he is still my rock, and things have calmed down a lot since his sister was born. Lyvi J is already over 3 months old and such a little doll. she giggles and smiles all the time and has the sweetest little personality. i have switched them to cloth diapers, which i sadly admit is my new hobby, and i have a tad bit of a problem. i am also pretty excited about the money we will save, once i cut myself off from buying them. it took awhile to convince Mike of it, but after talking and researching and discussing for about a week, he caved and gave me the go ahead to give it a shot. he likes it now too, it's become part of our every day life. it's a nice little thing between us, and it makes me feel better about my babies booties. plus, theyre freaking adorable! :) Sunbaby's are our favorites, all the way!

i have been looking more into what we need to do and what we want for our little family of four (eventualy to be five, i hope!) when we move back home. right now the game plan is to move back to Hobart into my old home for about 6 months. get on our feet, try to save a little with jobs we hope to find, and then FINALLY settle down in southern Michigan, less than 3 hours from home. the crime rate is sky rocketing in the cities we grew up in and we want more for our children. we also want to be close to our families, but not TOO close. i would like to send the kids to private schools and live in a neighborhood that i feel safe in. we want a 4 bedroom home, with a garage and a big backyard. and, if i have my way, a big bath tub i can fill with bubbles and relax every night! looking into homes already gives me butterflies. and i know we need to get our heads in the game and figure a lot out before heading back to Indiana. we're both scared that things might fail but its something we need to, and want to do for our children. and for ourselves as well. we want to settle down, stay there for a little while, in a home that is completely ours, all ours. for the rest of our lives.

being out here has changed our lives so much. California is the place that we brought our babies home too. it was the first place we officially lived together. we have found and lost friends along the way. its where i stayed during Deployment, where i said goodbye, and hello to my husband. its where we have settled for the last 2 and a half years. i am so amazed at the life we have been given and how far we have come. we have amazing friends, and people we consider family. people that love our children and want whats best for them. i have two brothers that are always there for us, one i can sit and cry in front of and him know exactly what to say. friends... that have turned into family. and i could not ask for more.

i am so excited to go back home and start a new life with our old friends as well. i am so happy that Jon is back in our lives despite the past. i am hoping to get closer to my sister in law, and put everything behind us and move forward. even Sable and i talk more often now than not and i am able to come to terms with what happened in the past and leave it there. i can't wait to have playdates with Aleda, Khloie, and Mattilyn, and Liz and Hayden, and show my amazing kids and handsome ass husband off to the people that ever doubted me. i can't wait to be able to go on dates with Mike too, and take the kids to Chicago and go see Mimi and Pops and Gma! i get chills everytime i think about our fresh start right around the corner!!!

 i was recently in a situation where i was trying everything i possibly could to help someone, and today it completely back fired in my face. a girl from home married a Marine out here a few weeks ago, that she had just met the week before. Mike and i know this man and know he isn't a good person, and that things were going to fall apart. on her roadtrip here i tried to keep her mind positive, because i know how hard leaving your family is. from day one in marriage, she was complaining. she complained that he was sick and he was annoying her with being so needy, then their tire went flat and she was complaining about money. when she got out here, i had a little get together and was hoping she would come. i, in no means, like her husband whatsoever. he cheated on my best friend and did what he did to Sheena, to her, he tried to take my husbands billet out from under him, and he has a child out there in the world he refuses to take responsibility for. he went home for his brothers wedding, and got married to her on the same day he had told my best friend they were getting married. after talking further into her time home she told me that he got her a phone she didn't want, she didn't pick the wedding date, or the house she was moving to. my mind set off red flags, so i kept talking to her. the night of the get together she told me they were not coming because her husband did not like me and wouldnt get over it. i had planned the get together for them, so she could meet a few new people and just relax and get to know the lifestyle. i was really upset, i was trying to help, and she just blew it off.
the next week went by and i asked her out to lunch and she constantly stopped responding and texted back hours later. finally i asked her what the heck the deal was and she told me that Nick didn't want her to hang out with me because he didn't like me and didn't want me to get in between them. at this, i laughed. how many times have Mike and i had people trying to come between us? no matter what is said, if you're a couple that is suppose to be together, it's going to work regardless. i had told her i didn't have time, nor care, about their marriage. that i cared about her. she said it wasn't worth the argument with her husband to find a friend out here. mind you, they just moved into a house. they have no furniture whatsoever.no cable or internet, she sits alone in an empty house all day.
further into the conversation she said she was unhappy. that they werent giving her new husband his BAH until the first and they had no idea how they were suppose to pay for rent, the bills, the ball. she was upset because she couldnt afford to get her hair done. i asked her what bills they had and she said his bike payment of $400 a month, a ring loan, a personal loan, a credit card, and other things. i get to thinking that even with BAH, that doesn't leave much at all. she said they were spending $15 a week for laundry at the laundry mat. i told her she was welcome to come over and do however many loads she needed, so they could save that money. she replied saying thanks but no thanks, Nick wouldnt allow it. i asked if she was on his bank account, or if she had her ID or base stickers, or any food int he house and she told me no. i was in shock. you just married this man, and he has NOTHING taken care of, at all? you're in a marriage that you havent decided one thing at all? it made me sick to my stomach. i told her i was about to head out to get the kids and i lunch, and i would like to pick her up and treat her. i never heard back from her.this was on Tuesday.
today she randomly texts me out of nowhere telling me that she has made a new little family out here and she was so happy to have made such great friends. she said she was over at the Boyds.
(backstory) Monique and i stopped being friends right after i started working. she was suppose to watch the kids on a certain day, but when i asked her to watch them she told me that she couldnt, her dad was in town. she sees her dad almost every other weekend. once again when i needed her, she wasn't there for me. this make ohh, about 7 times already!? so i was looking for a new babysitter and her friend saw my post and told her about it. she sent me this long text message saying that she was done with me, that she goes above and beyond for me all the time and it means nothing to me. that she has done SO much for me, whatever. it didn't bug me, because after i got off work, i was going to do the same. there wasn't a point in trying for such a pathetic friendship. i know you all reading this will shake your head and say it should have happened a long time ago, haha. anyway, just to completely end things and to clear my conscience, i texted her husband anonymously, sharing her little secret from Deployment. of course it created drama, but, it's over now.
back to the subject.
Sheena would not have texted me to make friendly chit chat, she has never done so before. especially since we don't have a friendship in the first place due to her controlling husband. clearly, things were said at this little party they were throwing, thats why she attempted to rub things in my face, but later claim that she thought i would be happy for her. i told her to enjoy my leftovers, and then she texted Sable telling her that i was saying i had slept with Nick.
:facepalm:
dear freaking lord. that sent me off. i wouldnt touch that piece of shit with a ten foot pole! then she said that i was jealous because she had real friends like Monique, Taylor, and Kristine. which made me laugh even harder. two of the three are leaving within a month, and we all know how Monique is with keeping friends. so i had to ask her if she fell for everyone that she just met, which, i laughed at even harder. it escalated from there, and it ended.
for some reason, this entire thing pisses me off. i know it shouldnt, but it really does. here, i tried so hard to be nice and help someone out, and they wouldnt let me because of something stupid. and then drama starts for no reason at all. she called me mean and a backstabber, which i'm sure were Moniques words, but i have never once, hurt anyone. not nearly as much as they have hurt me. ever. i'm worried about her, she's already in a very unstable relationship,, but i know i shouldnt waste my time on it. and i wont be anymore, there isn't a point. i'm done.
i thought for awhile that maybe i was jealous. that Nick fell for her and wanted to marry her right away, while Mike wanted to wait. but i now know that isn't true at all. Nick told everyone, even before he met Sheena, that he was going to be married by the end of the year. he sweet talked Amber and Lindsay until i stopped them. Sheena was just dumb enough to fall for it, Nick only wants a wife. they don't know each other at all, adn i know before too long she won't be able to stand it anymore.
however, the good that came out of all of it, is that it made me more thankful for my own marriage and the way we did things. we rushed some things, but we weren't crazy stupid about it. although we have had many fights and almost called it quits a few times, he has still supported me, never once controlled me, and took care of things. we have never struggled to pay rent, or buy food. he has always been honest with me, on everything, and we have worked together as an amazing team. their situation is just, terrible in a thousand different ways. i wished her luck, i know shes going to need it.

well, thats my little ramble mumbo jumbo for the night. i'm pretty tired. sleep is a rare thing around here, for both of us. and lately, it hasnt even been the baby! just Mister Ryder going through a phase. but at least he still needs us and we are always there for him. we take such great pride in knowing we are amazing parents! :D
i plan to blog from time to time. and dig down deep and talk about things the way that i use to. i have missed writing so much. i hope you have all missed it as well. i refuse to let people get to me about it all. these are my words, and no one will ever take that away from me!

you know you love me.
xoxo.

-ks.