seventy nine.

turn the page.
this week, has been really really difficult for me. i haven't been able to blog about it until now because i don't want to admit my failure. i am still in shock over everything. but finally, we have decided to start the next chapter, and i can learnt o let go of this place.
last Wednesday i received an email telling me that i was no longer fit to be a tumbling teacher.
on Tuesday, i teach a 2 year old tiny tots class. i asked if i could bring my son and they said that wasn't a problem. i had an amazing mom of one of the girls in the class watch Lyvi during that hour. that mom did let me know that her daughter had a rough night and was taking an early nap and wouldnt be at class that day. i showed up, for no one else to come. this wasn't the first time this has happened. a few weeks ago, after taking over two of Melissas students and her Friday class, i did the same. however, i had dropped of my children at the sitter, put Ryder through that traumatic incident, just to sit in the studio for 20 minutes for no one to show up. when i asked Willow about it the week after, she told me that those two girls had switched to dance, and no one else had signed up for that class, so she knew this and still had me come... for what reason? that frustrated me, a lot. but after it happening again on Tuesday, i posted on my facebook that i was frustrated because both babies were having a bad day and no one even let me know that they were not going to be there. them, being parents themselves, should understand dragging any small child anywhere for no reason. it's also common courtesy to call and let anyone know they will be absent, and it's mandatory in schools, is it not?
after that happened, i messaged one of the girls moms, asking if her daughter was still taking my tumbling class. she was rarely there, popped in and out, i never knew what to expect. i simply asked her that if her daughter was going to be absent to please let me know next time so i didn't have to get the kiddos ready. thats all it said. she called the studio to withdraw her daughter from class and told Willow that i was rude to her in a message on facebook. there was absolutely no rudeness, whatsoever. also, she had taken her daughter out of Melissas class because she had told me that her daughter didn't like the teacher and she was mean, and let another student bully her daughter. and then she takes her from my class and puts her back where she started? shouldn't that raise a red flag somewhere?
in the email she told me that my complaining in social media was in no means okay about students not showing up to class. that a parent complained how rude i was to her and took her daughter from my class, and she didn't want more parents upset. that mother also told me that she didn't want her daughter in a free for all play time class like mine.
this is funny, if you think about it.
the class is filled with two year olds. quite a few of which are not potty trained. if you, as the parent, can not train your child to pee in a toilet, how can you expect them to listen to me, and me train them to be tumblers? two year olds do not listen to their parents, how are they going to listen to me? two, by all means, is far too young for a serious class as that. i was teaching them shapes and colors and numbers, animals, to share and clean up. along with tumbling. i got compliments every week from one mom, and i saw her daughter completely blossom from class. i didn't really understand what anyone expected from a class of toddlers. i was working with what i was given!
she also said in the email that i was not a positive person.
this, i think. is what got to me the most.
working with Melissa never suited me at all. we teach, completely different. it was like my mom, and Coach Lisa. both wonderful gymnastics coaches, but in completely different ways. a lot of times i went home from class broken hearted at how she treated a little girl. once, after tumbling on the hard floor, a little girl bopped her head and started crying. when, after a minute or two, she didn't completely stop crying, she was told to go home. and she never came back. i wanted to hug that little girl. there were other times where they have cried and Melissa just tells them that they're fine.
i treat the girls i coach, as i treat my own children. i don't coddle too much but i make sure they really are okay, give them a hug, and ask them to try again. i treat the girls as i would want my daughter treated, not yelled at or belittled. that really takes a blow to a young girls self esteem. sure if might make them a good tumbler, but what is that really? i tell the girls i am proud of them and encourage them, give them confidence. while all she seems to do was tell them their leg wasn't straight, or toe pointed. it just, wasn't fit for me. but i was doing it for my children, and the money for our future.
the last sentence of the email was complaining about me being too "lax" in my classes. such as my toddler class? because when i helped out on Thursdays i walked in, kept my mouth shut, and did what i was asked of, or told to do. i didn't sit down and watch, or point and direct. i helped to spot the girls, i would condition them when i was asked, i set up the way she asked me to. i took over the classes twice so she could get a break and enjoy her ball. of course things were different, i am not the main teacher, i was a substitute. doesn't anyone remember what its like to have a sub in class?! it just really, really bothers me. and i know i shouldn't let it.
i don't think any of this should have ever been handled this way, at all. if i had a complaint, why was i not pulled aside and spoken to and let it be known that i needed to step up, help more, teach differently?  she was always there on Tuesdays, i'm sure she watched on the monitor, if she didn't like the way i was doing thins, why not apply a correction? thats what i don't understand. that i was completely unaware that everything was going fine, and then all of a sudden you tell me i'm unfit as a tumbling teacher? because you give me toddlers to attempt to teach? because of someones word and no proof, or questions, of a facebook message? no time to even say goodbye to my own girls, or even have the decency to sit me down and explain, you send me an email? then blame me for girls quitting when i have done absolutely nothing wrong? also, you sent me an email over half an hour after your "new schedule" was emailed to everyone with my name taken off of it and Melissa taking over my classes. so had i read that first, i would have been shown that i was let go before you took the time to let me know yourself?!
not to mention, we're pretty certain you shorted me quite a bit on my check.
sorry for the long rant, i'm still, obviously, rather upset. after talking to my mom, i did feel better. i realized that my morals were more important than the money. that i should never have to give up my way of coaching for someone else. that, had my mom ever went to coach for Lisa, she too, would have been let go for the same reasons. that i shouldn't let it get to me, that this doesn't make me a bad teacher,  it just wasn't enough for me. she was right, we weren't a match. and as much as i tried, it never would have worked.
i did ask Melissa hat she thought and she didn't have my back for a second. told me that in the professional manner, i didn't cut it. that i needed to get certified and shadow an instructor for 6 months to teach me what to do. that made me want to slap her. i knew exactly what i was doing as a coach, i had never had any complaints at Merrillville. i didn't need the help.
she will though, i wonder if she even told Willow that she was pregnant. i wonder how she's suppose to spot those kids that aren't ready to flip around, in a few months. :)

okay, enough of that and the negativity.
this happening, was, in all reality, a good thing for all of us. i knew i was taking on too much for myself, right after my daughter being born. it kept getting harder and harder to leave my son. i was stressed out and exhausted, but i had to give it my best shot. now i have more time with my family, i can use that Thursday night to go to the gym if i choose to, to work for something i would like to be in the future. and i know that we can make it. my husband, after calling him and telling him, crying of course, what had happened. i admitted to him that i felt like a failure. that i hadn't worked since we got married and the first job i landed i only lasted 3 months. he told me that i didn't need this job, or any other job. that i do everything for this family already, that i just pushed myself a little too hard.

after being let go, and seeing how much it upset me. we both took a step back.
we looked at everything we have been through out here in the desert. we have been through so many, many, many difficult times. our marriage was put to the test, we dealt with the bullshit with our first house and getting screwed over, we went through the difficult time and struggle to find somewhere else to live, and landed in 801. we dealt with Deployment and him missing Ryders birth by only 3 weeks. i went through Depression alone. he came back and once again our marriage was on the line. we have lost friends, and gained friends. we have dealt with drama in every single form. we have lost a pet because of it. he gets screwed by his unit every other day, we never stop having issues with that. and now. this.
this was the deal breaker. and we decided that California has nothing left for us. that this place has brought out the monster in all of us. every bit of unluckiness we have had, has happened here. and we can not take it anymore.
and after decided to get out and start our lives in the real world, and realizing it is almost impossible with the hands we have been dealt.

it's time to turn the page.
yesterday out of nowhere in the car Mike tells me he thinks it's time to re enlist. trust me, i'm as shocked as you are. so, its all we talked about all day. after being so frustrated because he wouldnt talk to me about the move to michigan, he finally came out and told me he thinks this is the smartest idea. i do agree, as do our moms. it's a steady paycheck, and a roof over the childrens heads. its another 4 years of health coverage, time to get all debt eliminated, save up for our future so that we will be in a better place to buy a house, he he doesnt choose to retire with the Marine Corps. it gives us more changes, opportunities, for all of us. it's a brand new chapter.
we both very very much dislike the military. but we are starting to realize now that maybe it in't the military. after talking to his Sgt, he told us. that we should not ever base the military off of this unit. he came here from elsewhere and he told us it was completely different. and he too, is irritated with the bull that they're put through. so, maybe a change of scenery will help us. a different unit too.
Mike is looking into all the info this coming week. the pros and cons of everything. he would rather be active than reserves, which i understand. and, as long as they guarantee us Camp Lejeune, or closer to home, he will re enlist. and attempt to push to PCS as soon as possible, to start our new lives elsewhere. i know we can do this.
people ask me how i feel about it and honestly, i'm okay. i know if we are in NC, things will be different. its a days drive, rather than 3. we can take leave and go home for Christmas, its a closer drive for my parents and Trish and Tiff. it's closer in case of an emergency at home, or Deployment, or just wanting to get away for a little while. it's going to be different. it might be another 4 years of constant bullshit. but, it's steady. and steady wins over everything for our children right now.
so, cross your fingers for us, please. we need all the luck we can get right now. everything is a toss up.
heads, Carolina?!

-ks.