i am my fathers daughter.
earlier today while Mike and i were driving to Palm Desert, we got to talking about the move and the relationships we felt were important enough to keep when we did. i started talking about my dad and how he was always my rock. and that he had never once judged me.
during my childhood, my mother was solo. she was both mom and dad to all three of us. not until my grandmother passed away did a relationships start between us. he had driven me home to grab a change of clothes for my mom and i, and for me to shower. i was rinsing my hair and my dad knocked on the door, poked his head in, and said, "kimby, we gotta go." the entire drive to the hospital, he kept me calm. he made me believe that things were going to be okay. that i was stronger than i thought. and while everyone in the room lost it, my dad and i were our families rocks. it was the same with my papas funeral. him and i walked across the street from the funeral home to mcdonalds and laughed, and joked about everything, and celebrated my pregnancy, while not one other person really cared. before Michael and i got married, he sat me down. he didn't tell me to think twice, he didn't tell me that i was stupid for rushing into something. he told me to follow my heart and my dreams, and give it all i got. even when he came out here after Lyvia was born, driving to get a pizza from Dominos, he told me everything was going to be okay. there has never been any judgement, belittlement, or hurt. there was an emptiness, a forgiveness, and moving on.
i called my mom tonight and we were talking about the Christmas box she was sending us. and told me that in there were going to be three oddly shaped packages. the small one was for me, the two others were for Mike. they were wrapped.
and they were from my father.
my entire life, my dad has missed so much of my life. i never really thought he cared much about me. he didn't know me. or even want me. he admitted that he didn't want children, and that, looking back, he knew he took everything for granted. that he can admit, that he was a bad dad. i tried so hard to get his attention. i remember small things like watching scary movies in his recliner together, him taking me trick or treating if Halloween fell on a weekend. walking down to Lincolns for a Bunny girl. he wasn't a bad dad, he just... wasn't ever there. not the way a daughter needs him to be.
growing up, and looking back, i didn't need him. i had my mom. my mom was everything to me. how can i want something, or someone, i didn't even know? he taught me more than he thinks he did. he showed me just how much i want for my daughter, with his absence. a father that remembered birthdays and bought Christmas presents that didn't just have his name on it from mom. a father who took his daughter to ballets, or father daughter dances. a dad that made time for his daughter. i can not remember, not one time, in my entire life that he has done something for me before i became a Senior in high school. he took us on vacations and tumbling meets, he went to my state gymnastics meet. he was there to watch, but there was always a gap in between us. not anymore.
my dad doesn't buy gifts, he doesnt do anything special, or sentimental. he gives money, in a clean pair of socks, then asks for them back. this year, he took the time out to get Mike and i different things, and wrap them. he wrapped them. my father. in the history of him being a dad... has never once wrapped a present for any one of us.
when i asked my mom why he did it, she said, "because. he knows you two have been threw a lot the last few years, that you only have each other, and you're on your own. he didn't get Kelly or Kevin anything other than a pair of socks. this is just for you and your husband."
i cried when she told me this. like i am crying now.
these past few weeks have been emotional. i have cried, multiple times, about the simple fact that we have no one. that no one has cared about us, other than my mom, since we moved here. no one called to check up on me and Ryder when we were by ourselves. that we're invisible to everyone. then the incident with Kevin. it's all been hard. and it makes me want to protect my children from ever being hurt like Mike and i have. but i know that, no matter what, Ryder and Lyvia have twice the dad ours ever were. but, now. just when i give up on everything and everyone.
there stands my dad.
i can forgive him.
and i do. because he is here now. and now, is when i need him the most.
he changed, since i moved. and that, that's a big deal. Mikes dad will never get it, and it's at the point where we have to cut him from our lives to protect our children. he hasn't learned, and never will. because he is choosing a woman and her two kids, over his own two, and his eldest childs new family. he got a phone call from his own daughter and he called her back and pretended like he didn't know who it was, because his wife was there. he's a bad father, and he will never earn redemption.
no, not like mine. <3
-ksn.
No comments:
Post a Comment