twelve.

this morning, i stopped being that "super wife."
and i have been torn all day about if i did the right thing.
Mike went into the field this morning. Ryder and i had to take him, so we could have the truck all week. so, we woke up at 5AM, wrapped Ry in his blanket, and put him in his car seat to drive to base. he did good with his new sippy, and said goodbye to Daddy.
we got home, and i put him back to bed, no complaints, he fell asleep in a few minutes.
then Mike texts me telling me they didn't put something on the list and i needed to bring it to him.
i stared at my sleeping son, then at my phone, and make to make a decision.
i told Mike, that i wouldn't be bringing it to him, i'm sorry. but i didn't ant to wake him up, drag him out in the cold morning, to do the same thing we did an hour ago. had he let me know when i was still driving, i would have ran in and gotten it. he told me to meet at the shop at 7, in an hour, when Ryder still wouldn't be awake. i rolled over, and went back to sleep.
i knew if i did that all over again, Ryder wouldn't sleep when we got home, that he would be crabby all day and i had a WIC appointment. and here in twentynine, those aren't fun, let alone with a fuss budget.
Mike told me he would get in trouble, but it had to put my foot down.
for the last year and a half i have ran him here and there, and ran back if he forgot something. i would drive to the barracks at midnight while he was on duty, pregnant, just to sleep in the truck with him for 4 hours and drive home. i would revolve my days around him, bring him whatever he wanted and needed. i use to love doing that but now, i have more important things to take care of.
he left for the field for a week with dishes from the other night he used, his clothes everywhere, the dogs cages a mess, garbage piling up. it isn't really fair. being that "super wife" hasn't paid off. sure, all this is my job. i take care of a lot of things, all the time. a lot of times, way, way too much. without thank yous or appreciation, and this morning i had to do what was best for my baby. like i always will.
and i have felt terrible about it all day because i know he was pissed about it.
it isn't his fault, i checked with someone else. it wasn't on the list, it isn't like he forgot it. but it isn't my or Ryders fault either. i'm already sleep deprived.
but, i have always been walked on. and take the role of mom and dad, and both husband and wife. i cook, and clean up messes. it really bothered me that he made cheeseburgers the other night, left the burgers, ketchup, mustard, and cheese, all sitting out on the counter, and didn't clean the george forman. that yesterday when he came home for lunch, after he left i had to clean up his dirty bowl, half glass or milk, and put away the string cheese he didn't eat. i'm a mom, but not his. and it's really starting to take its toll on me. i have a mountain of things to do during the day. and mostly, i enjoy doing the dishes and laundry, and chasing the kiddo. but to add to it, so when i have time to actually get something done, i'm always, always taking two steps back, it's starting to make me really, really mad. nothing puts me in a bad mood like a messy house.
and i have decided that i won't let this happen anymore. i'm going to have to be a bitch to get some help around here. i know he's tired, and he tries, but it isn't enough. he might work from 6-4. but i work all day, every day. and the fact that he leaves things for me to do, on top of everything else, i refuse to let that continue. so, while he's away, i'm enjoying my alone time. and i will clean the house and put things where i need and want them to be. and he will learn. i know it's a man thing and i know he works all day, and he does help out every so often. but to let the house get like this really make me angry. i can keep up with the normal things, but adding to it, i can't. i take pride in my home and i haven't since he got back. one day i guess, it will happen. i hope!
thankfully, he texted me a little bit okay and told me he wasn't mad at me. which, i was worried about. i'm not mad at him either, it just goes to show what a fucked up unit this is, as if we didn't know this already. they never think about the wives,but we get over it. but seriously, telling my husband that he needs to have his wife bring it, knowing fair well he has a 9 month old baby? i really, really thought about going back and giving whoever a piece of my damned mind. i've held my tongue this entire time. and i won't stand for it anymore.

today at WIC, i am so glad my son is so well behaved! he wanted to get down and play with the big kids but i knew that would end up as a disaster. so, he sat calmly in my lap. and when i was talking to the lady in back, he just stood by my chair, holding a puffs container. it was seriously a mad house and i'm really glad they got us in and out before i went insane. well, going to the car, carrying Ryder and the diaper bag, my keys were somewhere in the bag. so, i set him down next to the truck, and he stood up the entire time i was looking for them. he's getting so, so big and so good at standing. something tells me as soon as his daddy gets back, he's going to take his first steps. he is ALL over the house now, he likes the cabinets. but he knows he isn't suppose to be in them, so when i walk up to him, he lifts his arms up, like, "okay, i get it, carry me away." and i close it. he's in the stage where he goes quiet and i know he is doing something he isn't suppose to, lol. he doesn't sit still anymore, and doesn't want to play with his toys. so it's time to find something else to occupy him. he is growing up so very fast. he's so handsome, and smart, and just happy to be alive. how can i have any complaints about life with him?

on February 25th, we will find out, pink or blue. i am so excited and nervous! clearly, i want a little girl. every mommy needs a daughter. i want the pinks and the frillies and the tutus and bows. i want a little girl with her mamas curls and blue eyes. i want to raise her to be as strong as i am, and learn from my mistakes. but, i honestly feel like it's another boy. which of course, i will be happy for as well. i love Ryder, and i know i will raise him to be the man every woman dreams of, that perfect gentleman, headstrong and determined. and, it would be nice to have the boys close together. i just love dreaming about the future with them in it! i picture their rooms in our new house, and even now. we have been thinking of painting even just their rooms, a little more fun than white walls. it's going to be amazing. i just love being a mom, it's the most amazing thing i have ever done. worth every sleepless night, looking like a zombie all the time, never doing my hair, never wearing nice things, but sweats instead so i can roll around with my babies. boy or girl, he or she is going to be all mine, just like my first baby. my first baby, will always have the biggest piece of my heart though. i'm just looking forward to the future, which is really, weird for me. i have never been happier in my life until Ryder came alone, and we found out there was going to be two. me, and my two perfect babies.
and their daddy i guess. :P