fourteen.

i'm sorry for all the posts tonight.
this tends to happen when my husband goes into the field.
i just watched Teen Mom 2.
the episode where Corey finds out about Leah cheating a week before their wedding. now, i have a little crush on Corey and when he cries, it breaks my heart.
but watching this episode, and her filing for divorce and making sure she has the kids.
made me realize a lot.
as i have in the last few weeks of my life.
and i know i can not ever, live without Michael.
i walked into Ryders room to check on him, and he must have heard me. he rolled over and looked up at me, smiled that little binky smile. he is the best gift that Mike has ever given me.
despite all our past problems, almost all of that stopped after we got married. sure, he screwed up, big time, shortly after we moved out here, and for the most part, i have let it go. well, as much as i possibly can. but i know that he has never been physical with anyone else but me.
but what if he had, when we were just dating?

the way i see Michael now, is nothing as i use to. i can stare at all of our old photos from when we first got together and i see a child, a boy. someone who had no idea what life was all about. a kid that, acted like a kid. that broke all the rules, did dangerous things that could have cost him his life. a boy that didn't know who or where he ever wanted to be. the only thing i know he knew, was that he loved me. and that is the one thing that has never changed.
things were still rough after we moved out here. when we found out we were pregnant. he was never who i needed him to be. he was a jerk and still let people walk all over me. he never stood up for his family. he didn't know right from wrong. and then, he was torn away from his wife, and missed the best possible moment his life has held. though he will be here for the birth of his second child, it's nothing compared to your first born, your son at that. and looking back at the months before he left, and the time after he has come home. i see someone completely different. everything about him has changed. and though he slips up from time to time, he hasn't in awhile. he's learning, a lot. i have never had more joy in my life than watching that boy, grow into a man, into a husband and a dad, all because of me. <3

it's crazy to think that, by the time our second child is born, we will have only known each other for three years. that's it. our second babies due date is exactly three years from the day i got back from my weekend in Evansville, the first weekend away from him, even though we only knew each other for 9 days. i remember that drive down there. him and i were texting for six hours. and i remember driving back, going straight to his house, jumping in the pool with him, half naked. it felt good and right to be back with him, after being together everyday for the last week. i remember leaving for my trip early that friday morning, from his bed. he woke up early with me, though sick the night before, to see me off and be safe. we fell into our routine really fast. we fell in love even faster. and though it has been hard, really, really hard. it has been worth it.

Mike has turned into this, amazing man. i'm not perfect either, and i know i have a lot of learning to do. it really opened my eyes earlier when he texted me to tell me that he loved me. and when i told him i thought he would be mad at me, for not taking him his NVG bag this morning, he told me, "NO! i'd never be mad over you doing whats best for Ryder, i understood."  that isn't what the old Mike would have ever told me. it made me smile. and like, last night, when we were watching Mister Poppers Penguins. i told him, honestly. if we were to get a divorce, since we have kids, we would see each other a lot. i don't see either one of us moving on, or finding anyone else. and i know, with my entire heart. that all it would take is one night of him picking the kids up for his weekend, one look in his eyes, and i would fall back in love, a million times. so i asked him, "if we were to get a divorce, down the road, could i make you fall back in love with me?" he smiled at me and told me, "you wouldnt even have to."  and thats the man i have been waiting for.

since Mike has gotten home, i think he has learned to respect himself. especially as a father. he realizes that having a baby was the best thing he has ever done. all his doubts all his life about not having a child, were dead wrong. he doesn't talk to the people that have hurt me, even though i know that might be difficult for him. but, he sees thins different now, and it's amazing. he isn't who he use to be, the man i first fell in love with. but oh, he sure is the man i fell in love with all over again, even more so.

and i could not ask for more. <3

-ks.