seventeen.

i was just about to shut my Mac and go to bed.
when i decided to check my sisters Facebook page.
and i see, that she has deleted me.
for what reason, i do not know. we haven't ever talked over the internet. and maybe she read my last post about her hanging on by a thread. now, i can read her page but she can not read mine. though, i have blocked her, not caring to read hers.
by deleting me she chose to not be connected to her only nephew.
and therefore, i have become an only child.
there goes the last of my ties with indiana. the only one left is slipping.

i am so, so very tired of going through this. it's always something.
and i no longer give a fuck.
if i walk out of this town, with nothing but my little family, i will still have my beautiful smile on my face. moving out here has shown me more than i could have imagined. and "family" is he biggest thing. i'm so over my dramatic 34 year old sister. she hasn't even had me unblocked for a year, only unblocking me after i got on Mike's page to message her, asking if she wanted to be in my sons life.
apparently not?
so, this is it my friends. my mom will read this and call me and tell me she's going to die one day and not have her kids talking. and give me yet again, another guilt trip about what THEY do to ME, like it's my fault and i haven't been trying my entire fucking life to get someone in that god damn piece of shit family to notice me, or them to accept me.

and now suddenly, moving back to indiana seem of no importance to me at all.

i got married young to a man i barely knew. i moved across the country, putting every ounce of trust in that man. we got pregnant on the way. we endured a Deployment, i birthed and raised our child completely on my own because no one back "home" gave a fuck enough for me to do otherwise. and i survived. i love my husband and we love our son. and our second child on the way. they are all my importance, they are all i have and i couldnt be more proud of that. to them, i don't constantly have to shout for attention, to fit in, to do everything i can to be acceped. being myself is good enough.

i just wish that was enough for the people that aren't suppose to leave my side.

annnnd here's a big FUCK YOU to everyone i once knew.

my husband and i's blood are the same.
and our blood runs through Ryder's veins.
in august, it will run through anothers again.
that's all that will ever, ever matter anymore.

kelly and kevin, rot in fucking hell, for making me feel like i've never been good enough for the family that has been falling apart for 34 years. thanks for all the misery. but also, thank you for making me realize how much better i am than you.
have fun with your miserable lives.i'll be the last one standing, you fucks.