sixty eight.

life just hates me today.
i do want to say first and foremost, that nothing annoys me more than when i havent talked to you in ohhhh, i want to say about a year or so, i deleted you off facebook, you continue to add me, and when i do, you don't talk to me. but when you see a status that isn't the happiest, you tell me to text you, or ask whats wrong. first, i deleted your number over a year ago, because we don't talk. and why the hell would i talk to you about whats going on, when there is now a year of back story? if you aren't my friend and have an idea what i have been going through in the last month or so, there is no reason for me to go to you to "talk".... i want to slap you.

anyway.

three days before my daughter is to be born, i realize that her father, as well as her brothers father, and i, have absolutely nothing left to save. i call my mom every morning and talk to her for a little bit. and while talking about the birth of my daughter, i had to stop. because i realized, i have no reason to stay in this marriage.
this entire month has been crap. i have been dealing with more than i can handle. Mike and i don't talk, at all. and it's taken the last few days to make me see all of this. I had my last OB visit on Friday and Mike was actually able to come. instead of asking questions or talking about my daughter, he was talking bullshit with the man that was to deliver my daughter, about being in the field and yadda yadda. we are in this room, checking on things and discussing the birth of my daughter and all you care to talk about is the field and work? are you freaking kidding me?
but i let it go.
this past weekend was the last one we had as a family of three. and it was hell. something has gotten into my son when his dad is around. this isn't anything new, but it's getting worse. i have been dealing with it for months. he is a complete and total terror on the weekends. he throws hissy fits, he whines, all day long, he doesn't want to take naps, or go to bed. he climbs things he knows he isn't suppose to, he gets into things he shouldn't. he's a complete and total brat, and its ONLY when Mike is around. when it's just him and i he is calm, plays with his toys and doesnt destroy things or get into too much. he listens, he's smart, but when his dad comes home he turns stupid. and honestly, i want nothing to do with my own child on the weekends because of the way he acts. and of course, Mike just sits on the couch doing whatever he is doing telling Ryder no, instead of correcting him.
last night after Ryder finally went to bed i tried talking to him about everything. about why he thinks Ryder acts like that around him, only on weekends. if he feels maybe Mike doesn't want to be home with us, maybe he just feels the need to walk all over Mike because he lets him get away with everything? if he just isn't use to Mike and his routine, because him and i have a set routine almost every single day, and on the weekends, things are different? and all he did was shrug. i have told him more often lately that i will not be able to handle the way he acts with a newborn. that i will be recovering and can't chase him and correct him, that i will be too tired to deal with his whininess for no reason, when he doesn't whine with me, ever, at all. and that we really needed to fix things, and asked him what he suggested that we do. he again, shrugged. here, your wife is sitting trying to resolve an issue that she has, to help her family, and you just can't say anything back?
after that, i wanted to talk about the surgery. we haven't talked anything at all about the procedure, how the hospital stay or the operation or anything is going to go. i had to tell him i wanted t wake up early on Thursday and go in, have everything ready. i asked him if he wanted to be in the room or not, that i could possibly find someone to watch Ryder for a little bit while he's back there with me and he honest to god, could not even give me an answer. he couldn't even tell me, when i had tears in my eyes on how terrified i am, that he wanted to be in that room with me, holding my hand, and telling me that everything was going to be okay. that he wanted to cut her cord, hear her first cry, experience it all with me. he just didn't say anything at all. then i asked him, if something happened to me, like i died on the table, i asked him. if he would cry. stupid right? i shouldnt have to ask this question, it should be a given, but i asked anyway.
and he told me, he didn't know.
how can you not know if you'd cry if your wife died? how can you even say that?!

after that comment and talking with my mom this morning i realized how little we have left. we have our children, but kids isn't a reason to stay. kids, are even more of a reason to walk away. i spent the weekend cleaning my house to bring my daughter, whom i will give birth to in 3 days, home to. i had Ryder climbing on me trying to get my cleaning supplies while Mike sat on his ass watching television. when i asked him to do something i was ignored because he was watching tv. i asked him to move the furniture and he did so, AFTER he went and got himself a haircut, with my savings money because we're broke until tomorrow. i have been asking him for the last month to please touch up my daughters room with paint so i didn't have to stand on a chair. i also asked him to move things around in there so i didn't have to over do myself. same thing with her car seat base, asking him to put it in the truck. even though these things take five minutes, it still can not be done. anything i ask of him, i have to end up being a bitch about it because he can't do it the first time i ask. i have to do it all on my own, every god damn time. shit, i have to sit in the shower and tell myself everyday that it's going to be okay, that i'll get through this, because those words have never left his mouth, ever.

and now knowing i will be wheeled into surgery, holding my own hand, and telling myself these things over and over again, because he is never there for me. because he can't realize that this is the last chance he has, i realize. there really is nothing left to save. i can not remember the last time he called me pretty, or beautiful. or made me feel something inside. he tells me he loves me when he leaves, and sometimes before he falls asleep, but thats it. he has given me absolutely no confidence in this surgery, in being a mom to two babies, that my first born will be taken care of completely this weekend, that he will be there for me. he has shown no excitement to meeting our daughter, i have had to ask him, if he was excited. i have had to ask him if he couldnt wait. the only emotion he has shown is annoyance to not getting enough sleep. typing this, i am crying, at realizing how little he even seems to care that i will be giving birth to his daughter, in just three days. i hurt, all over. and some moments i catch myself wishing i wasn't pregnant at all so i didn't have to go through this. and that isn't a normal thought, it isn't right. but thats the point he has put me at. it breaks my heart that one day when my daughter asks everything about her birthing story and asks if daddy was excited.
i'll have to look her in the eye and tell her.
that i really don't think so.
it's really sad. that he missed my sons birth because he didn't have a choice.
and now he is emotionally and mentally missing my daughters birth, completely by his choice. second changes very rarely happen and this man was handed one, and he's taking it all for granted.
he doesn't realize that he is about to lose everything....

i wish that people that were suppose to care about me, and my children, actually did. like my husband. and his mom. she finally texted me asking about Lyvia, asking how i felt and if i felt ready. and before i could even respond about my daughter, she sends me another text message talking about her slut daughter and her newest fuck buddy and what a nice time they all had in Michigan together, and how helpful he was. i started crying, and called my mom again.
how can someone attempt to ask and care about me and my daughter, and then flip it around to talk about something and someone else? it killed me, she didn't even give me a chance to talk about my daughter, nothing. she didn't ask how Ryder was, what he's been up to, and into, if he has any new teeth or can say any new words yet. she didn't even care. at all. i didn't want her here at all, i didn't want her to meet my son, in any way, shape, or form. but i gave it a chance. i let her come for his first birthday ad she did good with him. i was impressed, the visit went pretty undramatic, i had hope.
she hasn't talked to Mike in a month. she hasn't asked about my son, at all. we skyped on mothers day and that was it. thats all, there isn't any more. she meets my son and walks away like it never happened. i feel so bad for my poor children, and i have to protect them, from all of this.

i know now, what i have to do. i don't know when it will happen, but it will. i can promise you that. i can not live this pathetic nightmare anymore. i am so tired of people feeling sorry for me, telling me it will be okay. i KNOW it will be okay, but i don't have to stay here in this marriage, in this fucked up world, for it to all be okay. seeing the way Ryder acts around his dad has made me think that staying here really isn't best either. because SOMETHING is going on there, i just wish that he could tell me what it was so i could help him. but Mike has created a monster in my perfect, beautiful, precious little son and i can't take it much longer. all my hard work, everything i have been through, is starting to come apart, just break away at the seams. and i am not willing to lose that. not now and not ever. and i don't want that to happen to my daughter. i am fully capable of being a single parent. i know it will be tough and the three of us will struggle. but it's a battle worth living, and a happiness worth finding. i know that i can do everything on my own, but i can not, and will not, do everything on my own while living in a house with someone perfectly capable of helping me out. i want my struggle to be mine and mine alone. and i want my kids to be damn proud of me, and always know i put them first, even with walking away from their father.

i am the mother of almost two beautiful, precious, perfect little beings. i know that i am lucky. and i, too, have gotten a second chance. i now get the chance to raise a daughter, after a son. and i have the chance to walk away, with both of them. they both give me so much hope in life, and so much strength. a strength i never knew that i had until now. and i know with looking into my sons eyes, and soon to be my daughters, that i will always have to make hard choices in mine and their lives, that i might as well start with this one. i can do it, i know i can. i can not ever give up my hope and faith. Mike can take away and ruin my life experiences, he can not be there to lean on, to walk with, to share the struggle with. but there are so many more things he can never take away from me. and those things i hold in my heart as i push through and carry one, and carry my children with. those things are more important to me than this marriage and struggling to make things work out. an empty, cold, sad, pathetic marriage. if we do not have a marriage we can not be a family. my children and i deserve so much more.
and just over that horizon line, is exactly where we need to go.
i have two hips, one for each of my babies to ride on as i walk away.
and i have a back, to carry everything in this life that we will ever need.
i have four tiny precious hands to hold within my strong, tough two.
i have two eyes to see where we are, and where we need to be.
and i have a heart, a heart that will always continue to beat.

this is my battle.
and i will never let it break me.