sixty seven.

it's all going to be okay.
is what my mother keeps telling me. i don't need the reminder. i know it will be okay.
but i don't need to stay here, in this house, with this man, for things to be okay.
the closer and closer the time comes to deliver my daughter makes me realize more and more how happy i want to be, and how little happiness i have stuck here. i try not to post our every battle onto my blog but tonight really took the cake.
i really just want to do this on my own.

for the past few weeks we knew Mike was going to go to the field shortly before the c section date. i have been struggling for weeks to get things done. fold all her clothes, pack hospital bags, get her room finished which, you still have to high step half a dozen things to get to her crib, get things cleaned, including being on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor with bleach. all the while chasing a toddler during the day, losing sleep at night, trying to stay on top of school work and relax. i have told him countless times that i need help. that i need him to take the reins for the next few weeks and help me out, do this or that. telling him i really needed a helping hand because things are rough now. sitting, standing, laying, walking up and down the stairs, bending over to fold laundry, even taking a crap is difficult now. in all reality, i deserve this help after doing it alone last time. you would think he would want to help, stress me out less than i already am. spend extra time the two of us, the three of us, alone with Ryder. anything. but no.

earlier this week we had a huge thunderstorm that knocked the power out at 2am. it wasn't too hot so it didn't bother me much. Ryder and i played all morning with the windows open but after seeing multiple posts on facebook that the power wouldnt be back on until the following morning, i had to do something. it was getting hard to occupy Ryder, he didnt want to nap because he woke up sweating, as did i, there is only so much to do with a toddler indoors. so i decided we should stay in a hotel for the night. i wasn't worried about the money, i was thinking what was best for my son and myself. i have to have the air cranked when i sleep, even thinking about walking up the stairs makes me hot. so i texted Mike and told him that was my plan, that i would pack all our things for a night and he could meet us at the hotel. i waited to see what he would say until i left but he didn't answer. when i walked back to the truck after checking in he told me to just stay at the house and we would discuss it, and that his motorcycle couldn't be driven until he got a certain part to it. so, it needed repair. i told him that we were already at the hotel, that i had his clothes and shower items, to text me when he got there and we would come get him. an hour passed after he told me he was getting out of work in a few. so, i called him and asked him what the game plan was. he said that i should come get him but he already showered. oookay then. i told him to grab all our swim stuff and we could go swimming after he picked something up to eat. when i got home he was putting away Ryders toys. it was hot and muggy outside and i was starting to sweat and told him lets grab some food and go sit in some a/c. he hasn't grabbed our swim stuff so i ran upstairs and grabbed Ryders and mine, not knowing where he put his trunks. we walked to the car and he didn't have them. i asked him if he was going to swim or not and he shrugged and went back in to get them. i told him either subway or burger king sounded good, that i had some snacks at the hotel already. so we went to the drive thru of BK, where he bitched about how expensive it was. when we got back to the room it started pouring out so i sat at the table and Ryder and i ate and watched the rain come down. i commented on how nice this was, being in one room together without a lot of distractions, just watching the rain and eating some fast food. then he told me, we could have done this at home.... then later i checked his phone and instead of letting me know when to get him, or that he was home, he didn't contact me. but told Parsons he was home...
this really bothered me. sure, we could have done this at home but it had already been a stressful few days, couldnt you be happy that your wife and son were happy, not sweating, could have some sort of sound, and she was away from a house that needed to be cleaned? that you can't just enjoy it without complaining that we spent money on a hotel room for one night? when i have been telling you since you got back, 9 months ago, that i really needed a get away, even just from the house and the same walls i stare at everyday? come on! but, i let it go and asked Mike to watch him while i watched part of a show just so i could relax. so he puts Ryder on the really tall bed and of course i can't pay attention to anything but the thought of my child falling off and dying! then i tell him i'm going in to take a quick shower.
when i come out he's on my laptop, Ryder had pooped his diaper, and baby snacks littered the floor. i looked at him, he was ordering his part for his motorcycle. i told him Ryders butt stank and he used is excuse, "i'm giving him a minute to finish"... my child doesnt take 20 minutes to poop. you smell it, change it. if he poops again, change it, again. after a few minutes i told Mike that he needed to stop, and wait until Ryder went to bed to finish. that i came there to relax, that day and the day before had been hectic and i was exhausted, and i needed a break, could he pay attention to his son for a minute? so he huffed, closed my laptop, and changed Ryders diaper. then he tells me he has to go into work in the morning and we have to check out at 7 and that spending this money was a waste, because power had come back on early. we all got notices on our doors from housing saying that it would be off until the next morning. i told him that the only reason why it was wasted was because we had to leave early instead of eating their breakfast and going swimming or something before going home. then he told me there would be no time to eat before he had to get back. i wasn't looking forward to waking my child up, but said whatever. i set my alarm early, got up and repacked everything of ours so we had time to eat before checking out. when we got down there the next morning he just stared at the food and said he didn't want any, so i asked him to feed Ryder while i grabbed a waffle. he gave Ryder a few things of cereal. i just let it go, whatever. and listened to Mike complain about not having a saturday the entire way home. he walked in, changed, and left.
that saturday was pretty good, for the beginning part at least. Ryder and i blew up the air mattress and just lazed around watching cartoons and movies all day. he fell asleep before too long and i did the same. we just played all afternoon, but then my body started to ache. i had a few contractions and got nervous. and then realized. i was stuck. i have no vehicle to get there, and not only that, but i have no car seat for my son. i got nervous and called Mike who said i was probably fine. yet, we got into it. and we ended up going to labor and delivery anyway. while we were there and i was strapped to monitors, of course Ryder wanted to play. so, Mike sat in the chair in the corner telling Ryder no to this and that, not getting up to grab him when he started touching things. sitting in a hospital bed not able to move and grab my child is already killing me and i havent had surgery yet. i had to tell Mike, he's a baby, he isn't going to listen, go get him. but it didn't help at all. i just wanted to leave, and i asked Mike how this was going to work in a few weeks. some sort of confidence boost i got there, NOT!

yesterday i had a doctors appointment that he didn't seem enthused to go to at all. we got jamba juice afterwards and i was starving. so i walked over to the food court. i asked him if he wanted to get something there, elsewhere, or what. because i didn't feel like cooking.
he just looked at me.
that fucking bastard! i am sooo sick of having to twist his god damned arm for any sort of answer. even where do you want to eat!!! i had just asked him in the car if he wanted to buy the kids something small, and ourselves, on my star card. just something little that we want before the new baby comes, since we're tight on money with his car insurance and new plates and this part due. he didn't even answer me. so when he didnt answer about freaking food, i just stormed off towards the car. he caught up with me and asked if i wanted to share some orange chicken. so i said fine. after that he asked what i wanted to put on my star card. i wanted to get Ryder a big boy gift, and thought about getting him the cozy coupe truck but i didnt want to spent THAT much. so i found him a really nice Disney bedtime storybook that i plan to write a little letter in for him and how proud i am of him. i got myself an MP3 player because i'm sick of listening to Mikes rap crap while driving and he screwed up the radio so all the stations are fuzzy. he looked at video games. but decided not to get anything. i told him i wanted to run through the baby section to make sure we didn't need anything else for Lyvia. he said we didn't need anything else. that she has a car seat, clothes, and food and she was fine. lovely, no??

but anyway, tonight.
i texted him earlier today telling him something felt weird. that i felt fuzzy and dizzy and weak. that i picked Ryder up and stumbled into the wall, that i just didn't feel right. he told me he would be here if i needed him and i told him it was okay, i would nap with Ryder and see how i felt after. well, Ry didn't want to nap. and at one point my head was spinning so bad i just had to put him in his room with a sippy and a snack and let him whine so i could take a short nap. i woke up and i felt a little better. so Ryder and i went back to playing.
Mike walked in the door a little later and didn't kiss me like normal. he took his cammies of and immediately went to the fridge for something to eat. i told him we needed to go to the store for food, and if he minded if i get simple easy things to make this week because i wasn't feeling well. he said that was fine, i was on my own, he was going to the field for a week. it really bugged me that he didn't walk in and tell me this right away. but i let him eat and we left for the store.
the entire time driving there, being there, and coming home, he bitched. he whined. he complained.
but not about things he should have been, oh no.
he complained how hot he would be, how little he would be eating, telling me to enjoy the bed because he would be sleeping on the ground. when i put gatorade in the cart he told me to enjoy because he would be drinking warm water all week, complaining that he was in charge of others, talking about guys i don't even know. just, everything under the sun.
instead of walking in the door and telling me he was sorry but he had to go into the field. that if i went into labor things would be okay. complaining that he was missing out on time with his son, his wife, and not being able to wake up and play with his kid on the weekend. he wasn't mad that he hadn't gotten the chance to do the things i asked him to, so they fell on me. oh no, he bitched and moaned about completely irrelevant things. then told me when he got back he was going to look into buying a charger thing for our truck to boost our air conditioner. when it works fine. when your daughter will be here in ONE WEEK AND ONE DAY after you get back. you're worrying about windshield washer fluid and the trucks a/c not being cool enough?! are you freaking kidding me?!
when we got home, Ryder was asleep in the car seat. so i told Mike that he should take the groceries inside really quick and i'd stay with Ryder in the car, give him a few more minutes to sleep. he stared at me, again. and asked why don't i just grab him and take him in the house?
one; my kid wakes up when the car shuts off.
two; i didn't want to stand and hold him while you brought the food in so he wasnt running out the door.
and three; why must you question everything?!?!!? i dont talk to hear myself. i suggest things that are easiest and the smarted, you fucking idiot! so i said whatever, you're starting to reallllly piss me off, and got Ryder out to go play in his room while Mike brought the food in.
and set it on the floor for me to put away.
when we went downstairs he was starting to put together all his shit he needs to the field, while i put the groceries away and Ryder was trying to climb into the fridge. while Ry was running around the kitchen and Mike kept telling him not to, no no, and he wasn't listening like a normal toddler. awesome.
then i told him i had to run upstairs for a second to take a photo for someone for something on bookoo, and Mike came upstairs with Ryder and a bottle. our room is a disaster, it's always the last to get touched after having so much to clean and get done during the day. so my poor kid is tripping over things and getting into things he shouldnt, and knowing Mike was leaving i wanted two second to myself for the week. but he kept putting his shit together. i showed him a train set i liked on bookoo to get my son and he just looked at it and said it looked huge and went back to what he was doing. not "yeah, thatd be cool to get" or "we can't really afford an extra $30 right now babe" just "its huge" and thats it.
eventually, Ryder found a soda can with soda still in it. he's obsessed with cans because of Mike and thinks he can have them because Mike never bothers taking it away from him because he doesnt want to deal with the fit. needless to say, it spilled everywhere. thats when i said enough is enough. i grabbed Ryder and set him in his room, told him he was bad and needed to go to bed, and sat outside his door. we have a baby gate in front of the door so we could see each other. he was crying and throwing a fit and Mike came out, told me that it was just an accident and he was a baby that spilled a soda can. i stared at him. i yelled at him that he had no fucking idea, that he never dealt with anything, he was never home, that i would handle things MY way, i'll be the parent while he was just a fucking guy. so he grabbed Ryder and went downstairs and said i needed to cool down.
i told him no, i needed a divorce.
then i heard to fridge open and close.
i screamed down to him not to give MY child ANOTHER bottle to calm him down like he always does. he doesn't need a fucking bottle shoved in his mouth every time he freaking whines. and Mike does this, every time! sure enough when i went in to get something to drink later, there was half a bottle of milk waiting to be drank by my child.
my child. the fact that he over rode what i chose to do when my child did something i had just told him not to to, and acting like i was beating my son, pisses me off. i choose the discipline! so what if i put my 14 month old in his room and told him he needed to go to bed, after him being a brat all day and me already being exhausted, and him just pick him up. seriously dude? and then just try to hand him a bottle? no.
so i went downstairs and took my son from Mikes arms and took him upstairs to put him to bed. WITHOUT, a bottle. and he did perfectly fine.

we havent spoken sense. i went down to watch dance moms and he finished his shit. when it was over, i went outside and called my mom and when i came in, he was in bed asleep. i dont plan to talk to him tomorrow morning when i go to drop him off either.i'm really sick of this. i am so, so, so happy he will be gone for a week.

i just cant take it anymore. if i was a single parent, life would be easier, happier, and less stressful. i'm sick of living with a debbie downer about everything when i am trying to boost myself and my attitude and not fall back into depression. i want a man that will worry about his wife and child and not bitch and complain about everything under the sun. when clearly, i'm stressed out too! i thought we had kicked the habit when he came back of this bitching about every little thing and ruining every possible situation, but apparently not. but i can't do it, it isn't good for me. while i'm sitting here trying to think positively, look on the bright side, see the silver lining, and convincing myself that it's just as green on this side, and you walk through the door day after day bitching about something. ruining a good mood, a good sunshining day. eventually, that will make me blow my brains out. he can not be happy about anything. i have to tell him to smile because i cant remember when he last did, or fish for compliments, confidence, reassurance. i shouldnt have to! especially now!!!! he's doing this crap all over again, he did it with Ryders pregnancy too. and ive had enough.

it bothers me that he only thinks for himself. that he has never folded or put away any of the kids umpteen million clothes, that he doesn't know his son can only sleep with certain blankies and not the others. that i ask him to help me with something and he either doesnt do it, or waits an hour. he told me he wasn't nervous for his wife to go into major surgery and come out of the hospital with a newborn 24/7. either you're not nervous, and thats fucked up, or you're lying, which isn't helping anyone. when i ask him how he feels about this or that i get a dull answer with no emotion or meaning behind it. it irritates the fuck out of me that EVERY LITTLE GOD DAMN THING, falls on me. he knew he was going to the field and i asked him to do things. like patch up Lyvis room with paint on the spots i missed because i need to stand on a chair. to carry the jumper down to storage for me, wash the dogs because they smell horrible. and now he leaves 2 weeks before my c section and won't be back until a week before, so guess who gets to clean and do everything? me!!!! or i will be bringing my daughter home to a messy house. i just can't do this anymore, i can't.

i hate that i can not seem to lean on my husband. he tells me that i can, but he proves to me that i can't. when i'm in the hospital and you let me son run wild without my being able to do anything. when i try to do simple tasks and my son is all over me, how are you going to help after i have surgery?? if you can't do the smallest of things when i ask you to, to help me out because i shouldnt be painting, standing on a chair, or carrying heavy things down a flight of stairs? you bitch about going to do something for the job that you chose, instead of complaining that you need to be here to help me and lend a hand? you never act like you want to be here....

this just blows my mind. this baby was completely his decision. i told him i didn't want to go through what i did last time. with him being distant and not helping out. he swore he wouldn't. that he was glad he could be there to help and help me recover. than why isn't he now?! all this talk and absolutely no action. i love my mother but she is naive to think that he will step up and help me out a ton during recovery with house work, and both kids.
i laugh. and laugh and laugh and laugh.
nothing will change.
she says that if i come home, i'm going to want to come back. just like last time. i came back early after my papas funeral because something wasnt right. and i come back to find my husband sexting and nude girls all over his phone. i learned then that there is no going back. she says in all honesty i shouldnt have gotten pregnant again, thats its hard to do alone.
but it isn't.
if i was a single parent and came into this situation knowing i was going to be completely on my own. i either wouldnt have gotten pregnant again, or i would have spent the last 9 months creating a plan to raise and support two children alone. but i'm married. i should never have to do anything alone. i expect to be lent a hand, to be reassured and complimented. to be talked to and made laugh by someone other than my son. i don't have that anymore.
she says that if i walk away there is never a chance for my marriage. but there isn't one now. why is it always up to me to fix everything when i do everything that i should be doing?!
when Mike Deployed, i knew i didn't have anyone. i had no problems at all taking care of things and i wasn't stressed about it. i kept my chin up and pushed through it. now, when i should be able to let my guard down for half a second and have someone else help, i still can't. i still do it on my own. it isn't fair. if i wanted to do this on my own, i wouldnt have gotten married at all. but i did, and we decided to have children, so i shouldnt have to go into this alone every single time. how can i want to stay when going home is like staying here. just not 2,000 miles away from my mom and friends, who would help more than he does. i sacrificed, i compromised, and i am living with the decision that i chose. but walking away is always an option to. i refuse to let myself be stuck in any one place or an unhappy situation. but when i'm always unhappy with the person i'm living with and the way he makes me feel, and i am starting to feel nothing towards him because there really is nothing left, somethings gotta give.

everything is going to be okay.
yes ma'am it will be.
but i don't have to stay here, in this house, with no one around me to call a friend, for everything to be okay. i have my children, and something to live for, every single day. but i would have that if i left as well. if i have the same things i have now, in a much happier, positive place, why should i stay? my husband sure can't answer that question. bet he'd just stare at me some more, and then find something to bitch about, like why am i asking the same question over and over, which, instead of giving me an answer, he has actually said!
but i'm not upset, or hurt, i don't cry over this situation, i have no lost anything but pieces of myself. i have gained two beautiful healthy happy babies, and a new appreciation of life. i have learned more of who i am and what i deserve, and i can acknowledge that this isn't it. i still smile and laugh and love life, and i know theres more to life than this. there always, always is.

but, i have to get up in a few hours to take him to work, after waking my child up. like the good wife i am so that he doesnt have to throw a fit trying to fit his shit into someone elses car, which, he did.
and i am going to come home and snuggle with my baby boy while watching cartoons until he falls back to sleep. then i shall stare at the perfection that i created and grew inside of me.
i'm going to spend the week making beautiful memories with my first born, while these are the last few days as just him and i. i am going to let him sleep in my bed, stay up late, and maybe eat a little choclate. i am going to get things ready for my darling daughter to make her arrival, relax while i can.
i might sink to my nose in a bubble bath with a small glass of wine and some Reba. i will stay up too late watching chick flicks and eating Cherry Garcia ice cream in a big baggie t shirt and panties.
and i am going to smile. and love myself, my son and my daughter.
i am going to laugh and cry, and write my feelings out until my hand wants to fall off. and leave memories for their children. of how hard their mommy is trying to do whats best for us three, even if that means walking away.
and i hope one day when they read such things.
that they are proud of me.
<3

-ks.