sixty five.

i shouldn't.

have to constantly go through things like this. i shouldn't cry myself to sleep over someone else, or be in such a mood that i can not take care of my child properly. i have been through so much in my life, gone through many, many, many boughts of depression, fought my own battles and won, every single time. to constantly keep living through it. i have to do what's best for my son and daughter. and it's about time i walk away.

most people that read my blogs have been reading for years. and know that i have been battling to stay in my marriage since, well. it began. i think in the beginning i just had blinders on and overlooked a lot that i shouldn't have. and it has landed me in this spot i am sitting in right now. sometimes i look at the current sad, pathetic situation and tell myself i am completely over reacting. i'm sure a lot of you think i'm bipolar. one day i hate my life, my husband, and want a divorce. the next he's the greatest man to live. and maybe, in part, a lot of me is torn between the two. but the bad outweighs the good, every time. the "good days" i just try to overlook what he did in the past, or recently, that hurt me. and i try to move past it. until something else bad happens and i am forced to be sucked back into what all he has done to me, and it's really hard to let go. lately, he has been slacking in every single way possible. especially with my son. if he was a good, helpful, responsible dad 90% of the time i think i could overlook a lot more. him being a dad to our children is so much more important to me than him being a good, loving, affectionate husband to me. but when you fail constantly at the one thing that really is important, i have to sit here and rethink everything and wonder what i need to do next.

earlier this week i took a nap and helped a friend with a car situation to come home to my son with a completely full diaper. so full that he peed all over me because there was no room for the pee to go. i left him in his fathers care for a few hours and that was the outcome. today, i had to ask him to change his son multiple times before he would do it, resulting in a diaper rash, in which i heard my child screaming upstairs before his bath from being wiped. now, i am fully capable of taking care of my child alone, changing diapers when my husband is home. though i do need to relax also. but i should not have to always take responsibility in doing so. we are a family and suppose to be a team, it goes both ways. it really makes me angry the way he has been handling things, i have constantly asked him if there is something he is mentally going through that is bothering him and causing him to act this way and he says no. so, i am at a complete loss. Ryder and Lyvia were both planned babies. Lyvi was even more so, it was completely HIS decision. i was on birth control until he thought really really hard about the situation and what he wanted. and even before i stopped my birth control, i gave him a few extra days to change his mind, just to make sure, so we didn't have a difficult struggle like we did when i was pregnant with Ryder. when he didn't seem to want to be involved, he was completely disassociated with the pregnancy and preparing for baby. then, i understood. he was leaving. it was hard to handle for him, to get excited for a baby he wouldn't even know until he was six months old. he had reason then, but now. now he is the exact same for no reason at all. so i look back and take last time, as an excuse. and it hurts me, a lot. lately, he has been a play mate to my child, not a dad. forgetting to feed him anything but snacks, failing to change his diaper when he needs it, having to be told things multiple times before it clicks. instead of thinking what the kids need, he talks about motorcycles and pocket knives. he is being completely irresponsible with everything and i can not take it anymore.

tonight, was it.

i was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor with bleach this morning, after waking up at 6 o clock. i usually sleep in on weekends but sleep rarely comes these days. we were working on sorting through things, organizing, cleaning up, while Ryder took a nap. as soon as Ry woke up we needed to go grocery shopping. while Mike pushed one cart, and i the other, i loaded the carts, emptied them onto the belt, loaded them into the car, and when we got home, put them all away with a toddler getting into everything. everyday normal life, but at 34 weeks pregnant, it gets exhausting. i really needed a bath and a nap and asked Mike if he was going to be okay handling Ryder for a little while. he said i was fine. i took a nice long hot bath and went downstairs and Ryder had not been fed his dinner yet. i fed him and we played for a little bit. at 8 o clock my eyes were drooping. i told Mike i was going to take a 45 minute nap and to wake me up to say goodnight to my baby and i would wake up and we would finish downstairs since it's difficult with Ryder running around. i don't know why i didn't set an alarm, it seems like every time i ask Mike to wake me up, he never does and it bugs the crap out of me. 

i hear Mike come up the stairs and start to get into bed and look at my phone. it's 11 o clock. i asked him why he didn't wake me up, that i would have helped him clean. and he said he just wanted to let me sleep. he crawled into bed wearing his shirt and briefs, he never wears a shirt to bed. so i poked fun at him and he took it off. he laid down next to me and snuggled up and put his fingers through my hair. his nose sounded a little stuffed up, so i asked him if he felt alright. he looked at me, and then i smelled it. he told me he think he had drank too much. i look down at him and i tell him no, no he wasn't that irresponsible and dumb, he wouldn't do that. then he told me that my raspberry vodka that has been sitting in the freezer for 9 months, after me drinking a little bit of it right after Mike got home, was disgusting, but he drank it anyway.

now, i hate alcohol. Mikes dad was an alcoholic and i have heard stories of a six year old Mike pouring liquor down the drain. i was not raised around alcohol, my mom and dad drink fuzzy navals maybe once a year, if that. i made it a rule in my house after my son was born that there was to be nothing harder than beer in my house, ever. from here until the day each and every one of them moved out. i dealt with alcohol with Billy. it just isn't something i condone. i don't believe in drinking, at all. what does it do? it makes you fuzzy, maybe calms you down and makes you forget. but in the morning, the problems are always there and you feel like crap. Mike had some Jack in the freezer from a year ago that i let him finish when his mom was here. i didn't even stop to think about my bottle of vodka that would take me 2 or more years to finish. i don't agree with getting drunk whatsoever when you have a child in the house. anything is likely to happen and you need to be responsible enough to handle the situation. your child comes first, always. and what happens when you are in no shape to handle a situation?? i don't care who does and doesn't agree, i don't care if Mike understands or not but i know my decision is my own and it needs to be followed.

i tried calling my mom right there to calm me down but she was already asleep. i went downstairs, thinking this was a joke. as i walked down the stairs i noticed that he had done nothing to the house in the 2 hours before Ryders bedtime and the time he came up to bed like we had planned. i guess i could understand if he drank while cleaning and let me sleep to have a break but that wasn't the case. i opened the freezer and sure enough, there was a good amount of vodka out of the bottle, and his beers that i bought him for his birthday weekend were gone. immediately, i broke down. i slid to the floor with the bottle as tears streamed down my face before i pulled myself up and dumped it down the drain. the same drink, the same kind of drain, that i did with Billy in July 2009, the night he choked me, threw me out of my apartment in tattered clothes, bruises, before i sent him to jail. as i watched the clear liquid swirl down the drain, i got a little bit stronger.

i made him get out of my bed and sleep on the couch.

and that's when i decided that i have finally had enough. it wasn't just the getting drunk. it was also the fact that, i could possibly go into labor at any time, he would not be able to be there for me. if something had happened to Ryder and i had to take him to the emergency room, Mike still passed out on the couch, and handle it on my own. that no matter what could have possibly happened, even though nothing did, that Mike would not be present for any of it. i heard him stumbling down the stairs when i told him to get out of my bed, i heard how hard he was sleeping when i walked downstairs for a glass of water, how out of it he was. i knew the 2 hour gap of unaccounted for time while he was drunk and not doing what needed to be done. i saw the call he made while his wife slept, to another woman, no matter how short the conversation lasted. i knew that he had chosen to get drunk along rather than wake his wife up to watch a movie, or do anything else. and i felt the beats of my heart race, then slow, as i realized the things i already know.

that there is nothing left.

i am done with things falling apart. my entire life, almost nothing has gone right. not one man has ever treated me as i deserve to be treated. it seems like i deal with the same issues over and over again, the same battles, the same lies and hurt, all the time with my husband. moving out here away from my mom, my job, my life, should be more than enough for him to learn to respect me. let alone carrying two of his children and supporting him and being by his side during a Deployment, sticking around when i wanted nothing more than to walk away. i have dealt with "other women" and porn now, twice. once when we moved out here and another a few months ago. i have dealt with him walking all over me, as well as others walking all over me. when he got home from afghanistan he had stopped talking to his friends because i kept bringing up how badly they treat me and how inappropriate they are. but he always makes me feel guilty about it and him not having any friends is entirely my fault. he has never really been there for me to lean on. not while i was having contractions with Ryder when his "family" was here, not when i have ever been sick, not when i have a bad day, nothing. when i am always here for him. i am just thankful that my mom is only a phone call away. and now, i have to harp on him to take care of his child. i don't get a helping hand in anything, we don't really talk at all when he comes home, we don't watch movies together, we're like. two people living in the same house taking care of one baby. and lately i can't look at him the same. now is not the time for this, at all. and now tonight with the alcohol. his birthday is tomorrow, well, really today, and he is turning 25. i didn't mind the six pack but getting drunk, alone, is a little much. you're an adult, not turning 21, or even 22. it's just, terrible. i keep telling myself it will get better, but it won't. i know it won't, it hasn't in 3 years.

i don't understand. and i think that's the worst part because i try to. we're not teenagers, he lived a nice childish irresponsible life before settling down. he was ready to settle down he told me. he wanted that marriage and family. our children were planned, we werent young and dumb and i got knocked up and we were forced to try to make it work like his parents. everything was a choice, by the both of us. yes i wanted a husband and yes i wanted my babies, but i would be completely dumb had i done this without making sure he was 100% sure about it. never did i really imagine him changing his mind down the road. 

when he returned from Deployment, something in me fell apart and i wanted to go home. i wanted a divorce, i didn't want a "family", just my son. i didn't want to give Mike the chance to change or start over like we had talked about. he had been so good during Deployment that i thought it was too good to be true. he assured me everything would work out. while we were trying for Lyvia, i still told him, i didn't want him, i wanted a divorce, to leave. me telling him this, he told me he didn't care, divorce or not, he wanted this baby. at that moment in time, i wanted another child. i knew i didn't want Mike but i didn't want anyone else. i was fully prepared to divorce him, pregnant or not, and be a single mother to one, or two children. i didn't get pregnant thinking it would fix everything, i didn't live in some disillusioned world.i knew what i wanted, and the only thing that was, was a daughter, or another son. i didn't want to focus on the marriage that had nearly fell apart when he left 7 months prior, and a marriage i had been working and striving for until he left. when Ryder was born i stopped wanting to be a wife, and just wanted to focus on being a mother to my son. having everything work out between Mike and i was so far down on the list. i got pregnant and he seemed so excited. honestly, after i saw the two pink lines, i stood in the shower and cried. i was overjoyed that i would now be a mother to two beautiful babies, but i didn't know what that meant for Mike and i. but after that, i saw him starting to step up a little more. especially with being a dad. and i was happy with that. since being a wife wasn't at the top of my list like being a mom was, i was fine with him doing the same. i was really impressed with his love and affection to our son, i loved watching them together, seeing Ryders face light up made all the hurt worth it.

but then he seemed to get bored with being a dad. he stopped waking up in the middle of the night with Ryder, he wouldn't change him without being asked. he would seem distracted when he was playing with him, always have his phone out, not discipline him like he should have. he stopped talking about the future with his wife and kids, and started talking more about people at work, his motorcycle, and things he wanted to do/get for himself. himself... that was what he started thinking about more. i think that's when i realized we werent going to make it work. we want two different things. i only think about my children, and he thinks about himself.

i am fully capable of handling life on my own, taking care of my children and myself. i can take the exhaustion, the hubbubb'd lifestyle, chasing little ones around, even if that mean no "mommy time" and more stress. stress and struggle with my children is absolutely worth it. what i am dealing with, with my husband, isn't so much. if i move back to indiana, i know it will be hard. i wont have much more help, my mom works and i could never ask her to be the "father" to my children and share the workload. these are MY children, mine and mine alone and they are my full responsibility. my mom keeps telling me i should have waited for my daughter but i don't see why. i was in the right mindset from the beginning that if things didn't progress with Mike that i would once again be solo. that there was a chance of my struggling to do it alone, i had no problem with it. easy is a word i will never know, and i have come a very far way in life. i know i can do anything. but apparently, i can't make this marriage work. but i know i have done everything in my power possible to make it all work. i have talked to Mike multiple times that i am unhappy. that i would like to go home for a little while, need a break. how it hurts me that i ONLY have him out here and he can't always be here for me like i need him to be. i have told him that it upsets me that it feels like he doesn't want to spend time with me, than when he does, we usually just have sex, and i have told him. that it makes me feel used. i have expressed my unhappiness out here many, many, many times. told him how stressed and defeated i feel. how nervous i am for my c section, the recovery, everything. i share with him every little thing that i feel. 

and still not one thing changes. 

how can you make yourself go through something like that time, and time, and time again?

i love being a mom. i love going to sleep, no matter how late, knowing i have to get up early, to someone wanting and needing me. i love waking up to hearing Ryder playing in his room or standing at his gate in his doorway babbling, reaching his arms out to me and smiling when he sees me. i love revolving my life around him. i think about who he will be in the future, schools, going to soccer games and chaperoning on field trips. i like the struggle of trying to juggle everything. soon to be three lives. it gives me something to live for and i wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. i will always love Mike. i still think he's my one and only but you can only try for so long to make something work, that is completely one sided. you can only fight each battle for so long until you pack up and walk away and look back and analyze it all, and wonder if it was all worth it. i plan to take the kids and i back to Indiana when my parents visit in the next few months. my mom asked me to really, really think if it's going to be a visit, or if i'm going to move. so that we can rent a uhaul and get the house ready for us. she asked if i was going to file for divorce and honestly, no. i'm not to that point right now. i'm done, but i don't want to be that divorcee remarrying her ex. i have no doubt that with the move, getting out of the marine corps, and starting a new life and chapter, Mike will once again change.  i couldn't tell you if it's for the better or not, but there will be change. but i know i can't sit around California like i have been, waiting to find out. so for right now, it's only temporary. but i think it's finally time i took a new direction, a different path, and see where that leads me.

hand in hand with my two amazing, beautiful, happy children. 

they're worth it, and the three of us deserve it. <3

-ks.