feeeeeeeels good!
ugh, i have come to terms that these next five weeks are going to be tough. between juggling everything that needs done, to hardly sleeping and things being so uncomfortable. to all the emotions i am going through when it comes to knowing it won't just be Ryder and me anymore. but today was mostly a good day, i'm proud of myself.
lately, no matter when i go to sleep i wake up between 4am and 5am. i have been going to bed around 11 and waking up then, not able to fall back to sleep. i was up until 2 the other night with Ryder and woke up at 0430, i was exhausted. naps only help so much. when Mike got home i was seriously in tears from being so tired. this morning was no different so i made the most of it. i read a few chapters in my book, got on Etsy and ordered Lyvia two obnoxiously big hair bows, ordered diapers and wipes online to see if it ends up saving us money in the long run, woke Ryder up early, got him dressed and fed and went to Walmart. i got everything i needed for the kids and i to give birth. i got Lyvia a few small bottles, since i have no idea where all ours went, i got elastic to make a skirt i have in mind, i bought Ryder a shirt that i want to cut out fabric and put "big brother" on for the big day, i bought a water filter for our sink for healthier water for all of us. i got Mike something small for his birthday since he always ends up getting himself things, therefore not giving me the chance to, and i started stocking up our first aid supply. i realized anything other than peroxide, we don't have, no even bandaids, and Ryder can easily fall and go boom, so things are needed! i took out some cash and went to Chase and deposited money into my house saving fund, which always makes me feel good. even if it wasn't a lot, it was something and that made me proud.
when we got home i fed little man some lunch, i paid our t mobile, time warner, and star card bills, i organized our diaper bag. each baby has their own large baggie with things they need with them. diapers, wipes, butt cream, an extra outfit and toy. so that the only thing we will have to grab wherever we go is the bag, them, and their favorite things they need for the car. i also have a first aid bag with tylenol, teething tablets, nail clippers, a brush, and an extra binky, even thought they each have one in their bags. i put the water filter on the faucet and put batteries in the tap lights i got the kids for their rooms, since Ryder won't keep anything in his light sockets and they HAVE to be covered or he sticks things in them. i put everything away and played with my kiddo.
then when Mike got home i sent him to pick up two cute skirts from Bookoo, Maritsa gave us a baby swing, that Ryder shouldn't knock over, since he is in that stage haha, and to Stater Brothers for cranberry juice and cookies, since i think my infection is still lingering.
i carried a 23lb toddler around, in 100+ heat, being 34 weeks pregnant, and got all this accomplished today. granted i had a melt down after Mike got home because my phone wouldn't charge and i fell asleep at 730, and now my baby is in bed and i miss him, but promised myself i'll play with him lots tomorrow. i woke up drenched in sweat even though the air was on and i was using the same blanket i always do. but, Mike fixed my phone a little, and now i have my cookies and juice.
grocery shopping this weekend and we will have everything we need until next pay. time to clean, clean, organize and do some more cleaning before my baby comes! :)
i just hate how everything ends up falling on me, bills are late if i don't remember them, things get forgotten to get or do if i don't do them, i get backed up on laundry or dishes if i don't do them, mike stands around wondering whats for dinner if i don't cook. diapers don't get changed, hence why when i laid down for a nap and went to help Monique yesterday i came home to hold my son and get pissed all over because his dad didn't change his soggy diaper and there was nowhere for his pee to go. it's little things like that, that make me want to go home for a little while. i am so tired of hounding him to take care of his child. if he can't take care of one, how can you take care of two? but i guess it isn't just him, a few of my mommy's in my group's husbands are pretty much the same way. it makes me feel independent though, that i still have it, being this far along, dealing with this heat and a toddler and getting everything ready. in the end, it will be done, whether he helps or not. i'll just like him a little less every night that i go to bed achy and sore.
i keep telling myself these next few weeks will determine my going to Indiana with my parents or not. i'm really sick of putting up with it. i have no confidence that Mike will be there like i need him to be during all of it, and now i'm worried that my son won't be taken care of while i stay in the hospital with my daughter. i don't see much changing. i don't mind the struggle with the kids, or the lack of sleep, or the mini mommy meltdowns, it's the major surgery part i'm worried about. how Mike won't take Ryder from me and just let him climb all over me, or how he will juggle the two of them if i need to lay down. or even carrying things, lending a hand, i want to rest better than i did last time, to make sure things heal properly, i just don't feel like he can take care of things, or us, or me. he won't be on top of things like i need him to be, and it sucks. part of me knows i won't get back to indiana. for one, all my kids stuff is here, i won't have time to pack after she's here and recovery, it's a long, long drive after a c section, all our doctors are here, and i know if we drive back with mom and dad, then we will be wasting money for him to come get us and bring us back. but it isn't really fair either way. i'm so unhappy here and he is all i have. i already have the baby blues and she isn't even here yet, and he seems to think that PPD is just in my head. it's something that we need to work on as a team, but then again, it's like i don't even want to risk finding out how badly we will fail as this new family. if things are tough now you know? its an added stressor than me nor the kids need. i just have to get into the mind set now, before it all happens, that is best for them. as long as i only think of them, it'll be okay.
at the end of the day i have myself, Ryder, and Lyvia and i have the two of them to keep me going and know that everything is going to be okay.
34 weeks down, only 5 more to go until my Cesarean section.
and i can definitely feel something brewing in there already. can't wait to have both my babies in my arms! eeeeep!
-ks.
No comments:
Post a Comment