sixty three.

:sighs:

such a very long exhausting week in the Nelson household.

i am more than ready to have my baby girl in my arms and start a new chapter in the book. so much is changing, i'm realizing so much.

first, i am realizing how fast my little boy is growing up, it breaks my heart and makes me so proud. we finally painted his bedroom this weekend and seeing his toddler bed and his toys and everything put together made me realize he is no longer a baby. all this week he has learned so many things. he now has 8 teeth, four on top and four on bottom. he now takes my phone and talks into it, rather than smashing it on the floor. he climbs into the window and just watches outside. he has been trying so hard to say "uh oh squettios" because mommy says that all the time whenever she goes potty and he comes in and closes the door, or when he falls or something. it comes out, "uh oh [insert jumbles words here.] and it's beyond adorable. he has been trying so many new foods lately and he loves vegetables! he has added "monkey" to his vocabulary, and he says momma more clearly and sometimes mommy. he did get in big, big, big trouble a few nights ago because he was sticking his hand in his mouth and making himself gag. while Mike was changing his diaper for bed he actually made himself vomit. i was so mad, he knows better than that! it's a dumb phase for a smart little kid to go through and he better have learned his lesson or no more miss nice mommy. but he's super helpful and if you ask him to "throw away" he will run to the garbage can and throw it away and walk back clapping. he also said "garbage" clear as day. he will never cease to amaze me. here, this little 14 month old boy is so incredibly smart and knows so many things. he's also learning some new dance moves and likes to spin in circles. he's so goofy, and laughs all the time. he's wonderful, my entire world. i just hate how fast time is moving, i want him to stay little forever!

Lyvia comes in 39 days... or less. and that scares the poop out of me. but i am ready for the pain to stop and not have a giant belly making things difficult. and energy, it's sad when i think i will have more energy with a 15 month old and a newborn, rather than now with a belly. it shall be interesting! however, i am proud to say that other than some more organizing in her room, everything is ready for her to be here! minus the hospital bag. we have her carseat, the double stroller, the crib is in her room with her bedding, newborn clothes stocked in her drawer, newborn diapers in her diaper stacker, her very own pink bathtub, and a bassinet for mommy and daddys room. not going to lie. thinking of going through a repeat c section, terrifies the hell out of me. i am so much more nervous this time around than with Ryder. i think about everything that can go wrong, what if i never see my kids? thats a major surgery, what if i don't make it? of course that's a little nuts to think that way, but i do. i'm trying not to stress about what's going to happen as well. my mom and dad are driving down a few weeks after she's born, after Mike's PTAD, to give us some time as a new family, plus give me some extra time to heal when he goes back to work. and i hate asking someone that i have more than likely have never hung out with to come to the hospital to watch Ryder in the waiting room at the butt crack of dawn while i'm in surgery, but hate to not have Mike holding my hand again. it's already going to upset me enough having to be away from my son for 2 nights while i'm in the hospital with Lyvi because i don't think Ryder would fall asleep anywhere but his house, which i understand. obviously i want what's best for him, but i will miss him so, so much. but i guess that gives us more time to rest and recover before coming home. i worry about all this hospital stuff but i don't worry about when we come home. i guess that's what's important.

i can't imagine having another baby, honestly. i sit here typing this with a big ole belly and can tell you that haha. it doesn't feel real. people think i'm nuts for having them so close together and i don't see why. maybe for others, but not for us. not for Ryder and i. i raised him well and i know i did, and i am so grateful that i know he too, is ready for this. it makes all this so much easier knowing how well Ryder and i are a team. 

i'm kind of nervous for Mike handling a newborn and a toddler though. lately he seems to be slacking a little in the dad department. he has turned to spoiling Ryder with whatever he wants so when Mike decides to tell him no, Ryder laughs at him and keeps doing it. me, i get the pouty lip, he might try one more time, whine a little, and move on. it's also really frustrating when Mike either doesn't here, or ignores Ryder in the middle of the night. this week i have been falling asleep early trying to feel better to be pulled from sleep a few hours later and comfort my son. yes, it's my job and i have no problem doing so. but what happens when i have to wake up with both kids, at the same time? sure if i kick Mike hard enough he will get up and help but i am so tired of hearing my own voice telling him to do things. i kind of milked it this week to see if he would step up, be boss, get things done around the house while i wasn't feeling well and i saw no change at all. it's moments like those that make me want to go back with my parents to Indiana.

that thought has been being tossed around in my mind a lot the last few weeks. driving back with the kids to Indiana for a little while when they come here and meet Lyvia. there are so many reasons why i need to leave this place for a few months. i know i will have the baby blues. i already do some days and she isn't even here yet. i have suffered depression since i was 16. i had them with Ryder but it was a little easier to handle because Mike wasn't here to make things worse, or upset me, or irritate me. he tells me depression is all in my head and i can't stand it. i really thinks he wants me to be unhappy sometimes. but i need that emotional support from someone through it all and he never lends a hand with that. he isn't really someone i can lean on with emotions or conversation. and it hurts a lot because he's all i have out here. i'm already unhappy because sitting in this house all day really takes its toll. i havent left 29 Palms in almost 2 years. i stare at the same shit everyday. there really isn't many things to do here, besides go to the pool but walking to the car in this heat kills me already. i don't really talk to people, i don't hang out with people. it's hard with a toddler! going out to eat is a hassle, he doesn't stay put, he wants to do things himself. and i'm completely fine with that but a lot of people without kids just don't understand. and people with kids do, but then we're running in opposite directions trying to catch our kids. so i just stay in my house with my son and play all day. i'm sure that gets boring for him too. i just don't like the outside and nothing is close. everything hurts right now so driving even out to Walmart makes me ache and need a nap, let alone going anywhere further than that. and i really, really miss my mom. i'm sure i'm always over my minutes because we talk so much. i need her so much right now and i hate that we're this far apart. being out here like this isn't worth missing her life, being away from her, and having the kids away from her. it's just, really hard. 

being out here i feel like such a waste. i love my kids, and love being a stay at home mom but i think moving out here i had expected so, so much more. maybe getting a job or even taking some sort of class for something. or even a little romance with the man i married where we stay up late on friday nights when the kids are in bed and make out on the couch and ignore a movie. maybe i thought i would make a ton of girlfriends and we would leave the kids with their dads and just go for a walk and make jokes about poopy diapers or the latest thing the kids learned. or maybe even sipping wine and watching some dramatic teen tv show. i thought i would feel more moving out here, but lately i just feel like i don't even exist. every waking moment is take up by someone coming before me. even the damn dogs, it's not a great feeling to have. i feel like i just sit and make babies and raise them and there is nothing else out there for me. i know once we get out of the marine corps things will be different, hopefully better, but right now it's really bringing me down. i think the only thing i do for myself is read and get trapped in other peoples words, i feel good when i finish one, like i actually accomplished something. i'm just so worn out and behind on everything. from online classes to house work, laundry expecially. i can tell myself i'll do this, this day. and when it rolls around i just want to take a nap instead. it isn't just from being pregnant, it's from being unhappy and trying to escape. i nap when Ryder naps, i do what Ryder wants to do, i live and breathe for my son and i know thats something to be proud of, i guess i just want more out of life. 

Mike and i's marriage is back to being rocky, the same old, same old it seems. but i don't come close to letting it bother me as much as it use to. i have learned to ignore him when i need to, or just have him watch Ryder while i go read upstairs. i have turned off my disappointment if things don't go my way with him, but i should have to. :sighs: i can only tell myself it will be okay for so long. 

okay, enough with the sadness, because theres so much to be happy about, and i know this. there always is, even on the most difficult days, i have a good three reasons to smile. no matter what. my chin is always up to somethin. :) i just know i have to do whats best for all of us right now, not just me. of course my babies come first, but they also deserve a happy mommy! and this hump i'm on, or getting to, i know i will get over it when the time is right, i just have to learn to be patient. just soooo ready to be a mommy of two little doodles! gotta get through the next few weeks!!! :)

-ks.