sixty two.

well, it sure has been awhile.

these last few weeks haven't been the greatest, at all. but i'm okay. just, things are different now.

the relationship with Mike is changing. after i kicked him out of the house the week my son was sick for not helping me out at all, me being exhausted and still handling everything, i began to realize how little i can depend on him. it sucks but maybe it isn't such a bad thing. he keeps slipping up and with Lyvia coming, now is not the time to be doing that. but i know now, more than ever, than i need to step up to care for my two babies, and not give a crap about him. i have seriously thought about moving home when my parents come down in August to meet my little girl, and the possibility plays in my mind all the time. i am trying to weigh my options and see what is best for the kids and i right now. it's extremely stressful, but i'll get through it.

last week, i took my son and went to a hotel. he had been feeling much better but with the pregnancy weighing on me, i'm still exhausted. Mike is taking Cpls Course and comes home every day just to complain and it's really taken it's toll on me. i would love to have a day where i am not woken up by my son needing me, or to just wake up, shower, and leave the house in a matter of half an hour. i love my son, but it gets tiring doing the same things every day. i love something different, and i see what Mike is doing, as a nice thing. he gets out of the house every day, he has people to talk to, places to go. while i sit around the house with my son. it isn't his fault, i know. and i know that his routine gets tiring as well. but i can't take the negativity anymore. he's back to how it was before he left, being a debbie downer, and honestly, i can't live with that person anymore. nor so i see how there can be much complaints about life when we have a beautiful healthy little boy running around. i just, really hate whiners. and it turns out, i married a huge one.

okay, anyway. Friday morning he came home early. basically, right when Ryder and i woke up. i can't even remember what i was doing. laundry or napping or shower or something, but Mike took a really cute video of Ryder. when i came downstairs, he showed me and i asked for his phone to put it on Facebook. when i went to his gallery, i saw two downloaded videos of women. busty, blonde things. my heart skipped. Mike was standing in the kitchen, so i turned the volume down and hit play. sure enough, it was pornography, downloaded onto his phone. tears pricked my eyes. seriously?? now, i have always been against porn in any way unless we're watching it together. he always tells me that he can't take it seriously, there isn't a use for it, whatever. but now this is the third time i have found it on his phone since we moved out here not even 2 years ago. i kissed my son and walked upstairs to call my mom so i didn't blow up. i cried. i cried for a few hours. he saw me, while i was on the phone with Steven James. my eyes were red and puffy and he didn't ask why. i was ignoring him and when Ryder went down for a nap he came to hold me. i asked him, to not touch me. when he asked me why, i lost my temper. i asked him, what the fuck that was doing on his phone. i'm 30 weeks pregnant and have been telling him how bad i feel about myself right now. and while innocently searching his phone for a video of my child, i come across two naked girl videos on his phone. you have got to be kidding me. i asked him, what his son would think of him, or what he will tell his daughter if she ever comes crying saying that her boyfriend or husband did that to her and it hurt her. that he is suppose to do things in life that make his kids proud, not think of him as a disgusting pig. why, why, why would that be on your phone?!

so he tells me. that the guys at the shop were all looking at that stuff one day, during working hours, and they told him he wouldn't download it to his phone because "his wife would flip shit" about it. so, to fit in, or because they said he wouldnt, or god knows why else, he downloaded it. i sat there, staring at him. this 25 year old man, who is married, with two children, gave into something as pathetic as peer pressure, to download porn onto his phone? there are what, maybe 4 married men in his platoon?! everyone else is single and gets shit faced all the time, do you think they have morals? no, didn't think so. did he do this to prove to them that he isn't whipped, no. he did it and basically showed them that he did not respect his wife. he threw some names out there and i told him i might as well talk to the other guys wife and see what she thinks about it. though, i never did. i couldn't take it anymore so i picked up Ryder and we stayed in a hotel for the night so i could cool off and think. before i left i asked him if he had anything to say and he told me that he was sorry this hurt me. not he was sorry he downloaded it in the first place, just that he was sorry i was hurt. oh, for fucks sake.

i'm a grown womean. i have been through more in the last few years of my life than most anyone goes through in their entire 80 years. if it was just porn, i could have gotten over it. honestly, with a toddler running around, trying to get my future straight for my kids, getting things ready for my second born to arrive, and dealing with everything else, porn isn't shit. if you want to go look at some raunchy chicks loose vagina that half a million people watch everyday, go for it. just don't touch my beautiful body that carries the worlds most precious gift. i didn't sit and sulk asking myself what this chick had that i didn't that my husband chose to disrespect me so he could see her body. that's easy, she doesn't have Ryder or Lyvia, or a beautiful scar because of them. it's the simple fact that he did this stupid act because of other people. that he didn't have the balls to sit there and tell them that they were dumb, get back to work, walk away, tell them he respected his wife, about anything else he could have said or done. had he sat there and told me it was something stupid he did at work, he screwed up, delete it, whatever. i would have been over it by that night. i'm so sick of being married to a man with no balls, never stands up for anything, it's just.. terrible. how can i rely on him to stand up for whats right when the kids actually understand anything?! it makes me sad for them.

i have no idea what he is going through right now, and personally, i don't care. i don't need him to act like this. more than once i have gone downstairs from doing something upstairs, and my child has a shitty diaper, and has a diaper rash. which means he has been sitting in his poop for way too long. that Mike can't even remember to change a diaper. that he doesn't hear Ryder in the middle of the night, or gets careless over something dealing with my child. this does not give me confidence for when i am in the hospital with my daughter, that my son will be properly taken care of and his routine followed. i know Mike would never let anything bad happen to my son but that doesn't ease my mind at all anymore. he's a good dad but has been slacking, during a time i need him to pick up the pieces because i am far too exhausted to. i can only hope things change when Lyvi is here because i know i will not put up with this carelessness. my son never had a diaper rash until his dad came home, that makes me sad in itself. i just know now that things need to change, and fast. i can't put up with this much longer....

out here, it's really hard. i don't really have anyone to talk to, i get scared to hang out with new people because i've run into so many bad people. i have been so down lately that i don't want to go anywhere, but i hate being in the house. and i can't really stand having Mike home because we don't talk unless it's something dealing with Ryder. he doesn't understand that he is all i have out here. that i sit in a house with a babbling toddler all day. and as much as i love being home with my son, i miss actual conversation. he took the truck most of the week last week and it drove me nuts. i'm going so stir crazy here. and the fact that he's all i have and he's hurting me and making me upset, it isn't fair. i know if i was back in indiana things would be different because i have places to go, people to talk to, i can run to my moms house during a fight, i have people and things to make me feel good about myself.  but lately it's like, i gave up everything, my mom especially, for this? i love my son, i know that i am lucky to be able to be a stay at home mom for the time being. i am so excited to have my daughter here with us, but their babies. i have never been so proud of myself as i have been lately because of Ryder and Lyvia, but it isn't all the same things. i need more. and i'm not sure i can wait another year and a half to get it.

Friday i finally hung out with Monique. she's been doing her own thing and going through things too and as much as we might hang out a few days a week then go weeks without really talking, i really enjoy her friendship. i really like that she sees a difference in me. when i didn't show up at D's bbq, and she was there and Mike told them all i kicked him out, Steven wanted her to text me to make sure i was alright. she was telling me this story and told him that she knew she didn't need to. that she knew i was fine. and honestly, i was. i am perfectly fine being away from my husband for a night or two. the night i asked him to leave when Ryder was sick and the following when he had duty, were two of the least stressful nights i have had in a long time. when we fight, i dont have time to sit and cry and wonder where things went wrong, or what i could do to fix it. i have a child to take care of. i didn't lose any sleep. and i love that about her. how she just knows how i work. better than Mike does, thats for sure. but we got to talking about how her husband wasn't the happiest with Mike's last escapade. which, i secretly love that i'm not the only one thinking that was so messed up. but Steven hated that Mike was throwing out names like he was blaming everyone else when it was no one elses fault but his own. Mo told me that no one at the shop even really likes Mike because of the complaining he does, and now this crap. which, doesn't make me proud. who wants to be the wife that no one likes her husband? but i kind of understand. and now i no longer feel bad about his old friends, because Mike did this all to himself. but her and i just talked and enjoyed a few hours out of the house. i have to admit i was a little worried we were slipping in our friendship from the last few weeks, so it was nice to be reassured!!

anyway, Mike came home later and asked where we went because i park the truck differently. i said Monique and i went to Walmart and Home Depot for a little while. he scoffed and told me he was shocked she still wanted to hang out with me. i looked at him like he was nuts. then he told me that the guys at the shop saw him that day, since he has been in that class he hasn't been at the shop, and i guess they told him to go fuck himself. apparently they heard about the porn deal and his "excuse" he looked at me, and told me i need to keep my mouth shut. i looked at him, stunned. i long ago stopped posting to my facebook my husband and i's issues. i don't degrade him in my blogs that i barely write. and even if i did, how is ANY of this my fault at all? he told me i must have said something because of what the guys said. i told him, i talked to Mo. she's my closest friend, of course i'm going to talk to her about it, ya know? i had threatened to go to his command and tell them what those guys do during working hours, and i said i was going to talk to the other wife about her husband supposedly doing it as well, but i didn't. just Monique. didn't talk about it on the internet, nothing. but yet apparently it was my fault that everyone hates him now, like it was my fault about the porn? how come he can never blame himself when it's only himself doing these things? i don't understand. so i just rolled my eyes. i'm not about to feel sorry for him if no one likes him, that's no ones fault but his own. he should learn to be a man for once and own up to what he's done, seriously. nothing is my fault and i'm not the bitch wife he always makes me out to be, but whatever. i have no idea why he would try to make me feel bad about all of this.

i don't know. i hate complaining about Mike. i must seem bipolar because of these posts, and then a few days later i seem like things are fine. things have been rocky for 3 years, but it wasn't until i had Ryder that i learned to pick my battles and think only for my son. it just hurts, being out here. he never seems to want to spend time with me, he goes to bed right after my baby does, he comes home just to complain about something when i try to be positive about everything. we just... clash as a couple. but then again we really always have. i tell myself that he isn't so bad, just slip ups, major fuck ups, and just when things seem to go smoothly, they fall apart again. i had to ask him why, why it was always me that had to pick up my own pieces? after the porn fight, he didn't say anything else about it. he didn't try to make me feel better about myself or the situation, didn't admit that he was wrong, nothing. in every fight we have, i am left to "fix myself" as i put it. because he never does. every single time he hurts me, i get to bring myself back up from the bottom because he doesn't. i did this with Billy and it isn't fair that i have to do it again. and it's really taken it's toll on me lately, i know i am a much better person than this. so i am at a loss of what i need or even want to do. it just bothers me whenever i bring up a possible separation for a little while he flips out and refuses. of course he does, he isn't the one sitting here being hurt for years on end. and i know now that i have my hormones and attitude in check so i know none of this is me or how i'm handling or dealing with things. i guess only time will tell but i won't deal with all of this once i have two babies under the age of 16 months. i can handle being a single mother just fine, i did with Ryder, i just can not handle him being in the picture and constantly screwing up. honestly, i think  after the first few months of Lyvi being in our lives will tell me what i need to do. because the only ones that really matter are the babies.

nothing has gone right lately. i keep dealing with stupid pointless drama, my life is falling apart and people are trying to lean on me, and i'm surrounded by stupid, lol. my sisters 34 year old friend is trying to start crap on facebook because i deleted her and then recently messaged her to wish her family well. there was so much drama on the subject i ended up having to block her, and she called my sister to inform her about "what her sister is saying"... i can't even recall the last time i spoke with Kelly. then i realized i hadn't talked to my mother in law in a few weeks so i shot her a text telling her that i was hoping she was having a good Wednesday... her response, "why?"... why? why do i hope you're having a good day lady?! i had expected a complaint about tiffany or work, but a why, who says that? not to mention, tiffany goes out and parties and drinks every night and constantly is posting complaints about work and "nigga this, nigga that" statuses. i had to delete her from my page because i couldn't stand seeing it any more, and i have even more decided now that she will never meet my children. that i am perfectly okay with not having these people in my life. then i got made because Mike's dad, who disappears and reappears months later never called to tell his first grandchild happy birthday, or even acknowledge that he turned one, called a month after my sons birthday to shoot the shit about cars, not giving a damn about his grandkids. and then last tuesday he was in ontario and wanted Mike to go ride and see him, when i think it's fucking dumb. if it's important to you, come see US, where we live, take your grandson to the park instead of sitting in some restaurant while my little family eats and stares at you talking on the phone with your wife! but, i didn't even know he was near us until 9 that night after Mike got home late and i made him go to grocery store. kind of made me feel good that Mike didn't see him. why should he? he will also never see my children, they don't ever need to ask where their other grandpa is, and be let down like Mike and tiffany are.

then, i fall down my stairs and kill my back even more, i bawl my eyes out that i'm hysterical and have a welt on my ass. i was talking to my mom at the time and dropped the phone and dove for it and kept talking like it didn't happen. Mike asked if i was okay and i lost it, while my mom had no idea i just busted my ass. it just has not been a very good few weeks!!

however, i am extremely proud of myself.

i have been wanting to paint for over a year. i didn't during Deployment because i wanted to do it together. together is a word we won't ever really know. when Mo and i were out, we bought pink paint for Lyvias room. i was so excited when Mike got home, he didn't seem enthused. all he said was that it was going to screw with his eyes because he has this excuse that he's color blind, and that it's going to be annoying to paint it back. see what i mean, debbie downer!!

anyway, i wanted to paint friday night. even just a wall or two to make sure it's the color i wanted. of course we would have to wait until Ryder went to bed, and when he did, Mike told me he was tired and falling asleep on the couch and went upstairs and laid down.

at 9 o clock.

he told me to wait to paint, and fell asleep.

i said, fuck.that.

so i started painting. one wall turned into two, and three and four. i was up until 4am painting my daughters walls pink, wonder who she was going to grow up to be. my back was on fire, so i had to take a shower to ease the pain. i was in tears by the time i crawled into bed, but happy i finished the room by myself. something i had been wanting to do for months, and Mike kept telling me no, that it wasn't worth it because we have to paint it back. but i did it, and i love it. it looks amazing with the dark furniture! when Ryder woke up the next day i told Mike to go take him to target and get him a new dresser that matches his bed because the one that matches the crib will be going in Lyvias room. he didn't seem to want to. the night before he asked if we could go to the park. which means, the skatepark. while Ryder and i sit and watch him skate... which isn't fun for me at all. and i had told him no because i had just showered and didn't feel like putting a bra or pants on. (you ladies, especially preggo's, know exactly how that is!) and he seemed all butthurt over it. but i couldnt feel bad because things i want to do, we never do.

like painting... so i am stuck doing it alone.

but he went and got the dresser and then took the crib down and put it up in Lyvis room. leaving Ryders room with just a toddler bed. it was a complete devastating mommy moment. but i figured we would try the big boy bed since he constantly sticks his legs through the slats and gets his chunky thigh stuck, and see how well it goes. even after everyone was telling me he was too young.

well, Ryders first night in his toddler bed was a success. after playing and tuckering him out we put him to bed. he has always shown interest in it since we got it for him, and likes to climb up and down from it. i started making it a big production every time that he did. after him walking around his room for a little bit last night, he climbed into his big boy bed and fell asleep. he didn't wake up until 8 this morning. and when he did he just walked around his room talking until we went to get him. he would come up to the baby gate we have in front of his door and throw things out to get our attention, lol. i was so proud of him, even thought it was sad.

nap time was a little harder today, he didn't want to nap, just wanted out of his room, he was getting into his drawers and bookshelf, so we got him ready and went to the pool. he looooves swimming. and when we got home, i put him in his bed. he got out and was sitting leaning against it and the next thing i know he was passed out on the floor. he has been spoiled for 7 months, and will only sleep in his bed. so seeing him sleep on the floor was cute. though he woke up in a horrible mood. but he got to play outside and likes to pick up rocks and talk to them. it's so amazing what all he is learning.

like the last week, he likes to feed mommy. we eat cereal in the morning and he usually takes the marshmellows and then feeds me the rest. he also learned how to give kisses. he will walk up to you, lean his face in, and kiss you right on the lips. and it's no fluke! haha. he wants your approval so bad, when he does things he looks at you and starts clapping with no smile. if you clap back, he knows he did good and starts cheesing. he likes my marker box and dumps them all out but when i tell him its time to clean up, he throws them back in. when he's ready for a nap he turns off the cable box and walks to the gate at the bottom of the stairs. he gives you the pouty sad lip. when we were in home depot he was picking his nose and i told him to stop and moved his hand and he gave me the saddest pouty face ever, it broke my heart! but he sure plays that up, and only with me! what a meanie. haha. he also pulled his little winky out of his diaper this morning, JUST his winky, like a grown ass man about to take a pee. it was adorable, but sad haha. and when he was standing in the tub tonight i told him i saw his little pickle, and he looked down at it and grabbed it. how smart he is... and how into his junk, lmao. 

and now he is asleep in his big boy bed again after a half hour of coaxing because he was being clingy to daddy and over tired and cranky. but when we left him in his room he crawled up into bed and went to sleep. pretty good for a little boy just shy of 14 months. he's doing amazing and i am super proud of him!

i also emptied out his old dresser, while Mike was suppose to put the new dresser together, which he didn't do so guess who gets to?! and moved it into Lyvias room. i put all her newborn clothes into it, got her bed set up nice, and all that's really left other than small little projects, is the organize her closet of bigger things and set up the rocker and bookshelf. i did her nursery in an entire weekend and it is completely ready for her. it makes me a lot less stressed but also sad that once again i had to do it on my own. not that it was difficult but you would think after all he has missed, he would love to stay up late and paint the baby's room. i am doing Ryder's room next paycheck and i have a feeling that will be all me as well. i love doing things for the kids, it makes me feel proud and happy that i am doing cute things for them. but still. 

i think doing his room will be a lot of fun, i just need more ideas for it, since he really only has a bed, dresser, bookshelf, and some toys. he needs fun. and even though i know we will, well, MIKE will, have to prime it all back again in a little over a year, i really think it's worth it. especially their rooms, its more of a home feeling. and as i said, makes me feel super proud of what i have done for my kids. :)

bleh well, sorry about the randomness of this post. and my bitchiness. take into consideration that i am also very pregnant and uncomfortable, can we blame that? haha. despite all things i am in a good mood, i am happy, and i love my life as a mommy. things are hard and i know they will just get more tough but it isn't anything i can't handle. i have so much hope for my babies and i, and i am excited to be complete. i know that i am extremely lucky and i know that won't ever change. i will continue to think positively, look on the bright side, and the silver lining. even on a bad day, or an off sort of week. i know that things will be okay, no matter what happens. i am a strong woman, and two beautiful little mini me's to keep me strong and sane. i love them more than anything in this world and i know i am doing something right, every day, by the things Ryder does, and i know i will in less than 2 months when we add the new addition to our family. i live surrounded in love and warmth, even through the coldness of my husband. i will be okay, always, i promise. :)

-ks.