sixty one.

two years ago. :)
i married my best friend. the biggest pain in my butt. the man who would give me children, and sometimes, ulcers.  the one i love, but hate at the same time. but through it all, we have each other.
Michael gave me a second chance at love, and life. despite all our fighting, which has dwindled quite a lot, he respects me, cares for me, and loves me. and no matter what, he's always there when i wake up in the morning.

i honestly think that being married is one of the hardest things i have done in life. you never realize it. growing up you want this perfect little fairytale ending with a man that will always love you and kiss you goodnight. but it isn't like that. being married to my best friend, is... well, comfortable. i no longer care if he knows i'm pooping, i don't have to be "pretty" when he comes home from work. i don't have to act like the little suzie home maker that i'm not, just to please him. being married with a child is so much different than being married with a child, i have noticed. we ignore each other more because we are following the needs of our son and preparing for our daughter. but, it's also easier. i no longer care about the small things that make me angry, i don't lose my temper as easily, because if Mike isn't making me happy, then Ryder is, and that's so much more worth it. most nights, we are too tired to watch a movie together, or do much of anything else. and dates do not exist. but we are comfortable, and i guess that's something to be lucky for. Michael is a man i can not see myself living without. even on the days i sit and wonder why we ever got married in the first place. but we are each others best friends. most days, we work as a team. we want the same things in life, for the most part, and dream of the same things for our family, from our house to activities we want to do. he's that old rocking chair i want rocking by my side, some day when we're 90.

i look back on my life before Mike. who i was and who i wanted to be. there was a time where i didn't want to be anything. that i had no idea who i was. and he came along and made me somebody. he has always given me confidence, and has been my partner in more than one difficult experience. i know i can lean on him whenever i need to, even if i don't because i'm stubborn. he lets me bitch and moan and he listens whenever i talk, usually. even if he doesn't talk back. and he puts up with my crap, like i do his. it's love, i will never doubt that. how in love we are. we don't need dates and romance to prove that, we don't need that perfect little life to let us know we're doing just fine. we have our ups and downs, more ups now, than downs, and it's finally getting to where it should be. we were young and wild and crazy, we didn't know each other very well. but we have made it work and we're going to continue to do so. i love that man, through thick and thin. i just hope he never forgets it. but then again, how can he possibly forget? :)

i still can't believe that two years ago i woke up early from only a few hours of sleep and drove to O Hare to pick up the man that would, later that day, become my husband. i put on my dress and my mom put on the crystals, and after saying our beautiful vows, i became his wife. it was the best weekend of my life, spending it just him and i at our cabin. i never thought we would go through so much that we did in the last two years. i never imagined giving birth to our first child alone, or being alone, with our child, for 6 months while he was in a war zone. i didn't think we would fight as much, or i would want to walk away so badly. but now i am glad that i stayed. even though we fight now and sometimes, i make him stay elsewhere, he comes back, every time. whenever i ask him, if he would rather a different life, he never once has ever had any doubt that it couldn't be worked out. he has never given up on me, or us. he awaits the storm, lets it pass, and enjoys it while it lasts. i know i'm not the easiest person to live with but he comes home to me every day and every night, falls asleep in our bed. i know that he helps me out a lot more than most husband and i should be greatful for that. he's an amazing dad, even on the days and weeks he slacks. i teach him a lesson and he learns it. but he keeps us safe, provides us with a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and diapers on the babies butts. and that's all that really matters. that's all that ever should.

i don't have my happy fairytale ending.those do not exist. i have a love that will always change, but always be present. i have a man that kisses me every morning, no matter how bad we fight. neither one of us are perfect, maybe not even perfect for one another. but we are two imperfect people that are determined to make this beautiful family work, no matter what it takes. and i am excited to see what the next year for us holds, and the next 50. we might not ever have it all together, but together we have it all. and i know that i am lucky enough to be loved by him, that my kids have him as a dad, i a husband. my crazy little family, all began with him and i. <3

-ks