fifty six.

man, am i so over this god forsaken place.
i use to love it out here but this past week has gotten the best of me and i can't wait to start packing up my life into boxes and get the fuck out of this place. being positive doesn't really help in all of this, but i tried for a few days, hasn't worked. but whatever. i keep telling myself just stick to myself for a little while longer and we will be moving back before i know it.

over two weeks ago i tried to rehome our dog Scout on the sites and pet sites out here. him and Indy haven't been getting along, when Mike's mom was he he ran into and knocked Ryder over and made him cry, and no matter how many times we fix the gate, he paws his way out and i really don't feel like chasing after a freakin dog constantly, especially with a toddler that follows me everywhere. i was told that i had to give him back to the ranch we adopted him from. okay, that's fine. so, i contacted them and i went days without hearing back from them. i saw that she posted on her ranch page that she needed a foster for this dog because his "current family wasn't able to handle the responsibility of taking on a puppy." i'm floored. fist, that wasn't the reasoning at all, he's a problem dog for us and it's becoming too much of an issue. i'm sorry but when i have another puppy his same age, after raising and training them the same and he still doesn't get it after months, i no longer really care. i tried doing the right thing by finding him a new home and drama blew up. i tried contacting the ranch and they failed to handle it in a professional manner. she failed to mention she was out of state and couldn't take him back until such and such a time, or that she needed to find a foster for him first. and then slanders me on her facebook page, i didn't really think it was appropriate. then i told her i was going to do it myself and blocked her. my friend, whom this ranch has also done something similar to, messaged me telling me she wrote an even worse post saying i had blocked her and for everyone to check the shelter, that she was worried about the dog and  yadda yadda, making me out to be a bad person. i think that's my biggest peeve. first, it was no ones business why we are rehoming our dog. if the ranch wanted to know, okay. but to post such things on the internet about something you have no idea about? it's just terrible. and here she is suppose to be a professional ranch owner? who doesn't even have the ranch anymore. so people are posting how shitty a person i am for "not giving him back" and how irresponsible, that they were going to come to the house to get the dog, act like theyre interested in adopting him and take him. complete and utter bullshit. i hate when people slander my name when i haven't even done anything! clearly i am able to handle a dog, of any sort. i've had Indy for almost 3 years now and he's doing just fine. we got Mollie as a puppy and she's just fine too! but the fact that i was doing the right thing by finding him a new home, and got drama for it, is beyond ridiculous. and the fact that someone would post such things, when they are suppose to be an adult and not communicating with me properly, is even worse. regardless, Scout is gone. and even in the getting rid of him process, there was drama. i once again posted i was looking for a home for him and some girl whom, if i ever see again, i will knock the hell out, blew up my facebook saying she could get him last night. i told her that today was better because we were busy and had dinner to take care of and a toddler bath/bed time. she continued to write me on facebook, and then her husband called mine. i HATE pushy people, i didn't respond for an hour because i have a life and they clearly do not, and one of her friends blew up the post i posted about Scout. but Mike told them they can come get him, without even telling me or asking me or respecting what i had JUST told him, so that caused a fight and he's lucky he told them he would take the dog to them or i would have had my fists flying. Scout gone, the girl that came and got him passed him off to someone else and apparently they're going to give him to the ranch, and once again, by doing the right thing, my name is slandered in the desert. awesome....  whatever. >.>

i've had an issue with Mike all week. he goes to work to come home and complain he's tired, while i've gotten very little sleep because Ryder is teething and it isn't fun to go through. i hate when he walks through the door to complain he's tired. i've been tired for a year and a half, and i will be tired for the next ohhh, 25 years or so?! and i'm even more exhausted because i stay in the house most days. when i use to have a job, i had so much more energy, even after a 12 hour shift. it's just annoying, complaining makes everything worse on anyone around you. not to mention for some reason, Ryder is still super cranky when his dad gets home, i have no freakin idea why but i'm about to lose my mind. he's NEVER like that during the day, at all. the only time he gets crabby is when it's nap time, that's it! and then Mike gets home and he whines for hours, it makes no sense and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. and Mike hasn't wanted to help much this week, i was feeding Ryder dinner and he was just playing on his phone, he didn't take Ryder upstairs for bath time when it was time, so i did, it's just like, i went through hell and was nice when your mom visited and she leaves and you digress back into a jerk who just sits on the couch when you get home and falls asleep right after your son does? makes me so angry! and still, more complaints about work or whatever else. it's just frustrating because things keep going back to bad, even if for a few days. when i have tried so hard to make so many changes in myself to make a positive, happy, healthy home for my family and he comes in and tarnishes it with his complaints and talking about work. i have had to tell him countless times how little i care about the marine corps and when he gets home, leave it at the door. his lack of communication skills is once again down the drain... it's great for a little while then he falls back. and with Lyvia coming and everything else i'm dealing with, i can't handle it. and he wondered why i blew up at him last night about the stupid dog. because he's not been who he should be all week long! gosh i can only hope next week he gets his head out of his butt. there's too many issues i'm having with him this week and as much as i want to vent about it, i'm a better person than he is now and i would rather not make him out to be the dick that he is.

another thing that pissed me off this week is when i went to the WIC office. seems like everything i did was wrong. especially with breastfeeding. they asked me if i was going to with this one and i told them no. i have absolutely no plans to breastfeed. it isn't for me, i tried it, but this time it isn't worth it to me, all the more props to moms thats do, but i don't think it would be fair on Ryder if i'm sitting on the couch with his sister attached to me instead of playing with him or giving him what he needs. it's too time consuming and i'm constantly chasing my first around. no, i'm not educated on breastfeeding nor do i care to be at all. this is my choice and i really wish people would learn to respect it. after telling her no, she went into a 20 minute conversation about how i should, all the benefits, it will make my child smarter and get sick less often. uhm, really lady? my son is incredibly smart, and he has gotten the flu once from his dad, and a running nose about twice in a year. while you're sitting here telling me i need to nurse my newborn, i have to chase my toddler 3 times. really, i'm suppose to chase my kid with a baby on my tit? not for me, sorry. i said no, leave it alone. i was already irritated because i had to go there alone and chase a kid and got crap for still giving him purees and giving him a bottle still, like i don't know how to raise a child. i hate people like that, i hate moms in general. my kid drinks from anything you hand him, i don't think handing him a bottle every so often is going to affect anything. he eats what he eats, but he EATS, is the most important part. and he eats whole foods as well, so it's not like it's all purees. i still have jars of purees that i have always mixed with cereal, should i waste them? no. lately over half the women that have kids are making me so mad. they need to stop pushing ideas and beliefs onto others, i had this from someone before Ryder too and i refuse to have her on my page because she ALWAYS has something to say. my kid is super smart and always happy, he is now up to his weight requirement after his reflux passed and i did it on my own for 6 months, i'd say i'm doing a damn good job and i will with my daughter as well, without breastfeeding and giving her a bottle until she doesn't want it anymore. i'm already a strict parent and i enforce safety rules for my son because now is the time that he can easily get hurt with things. Mike doesn't get it yet, and i'm hoping he will very soon before my son sticks his dads keys that he isn't suppose to have, into the electrical socket that he pulls the baby proof plug out of every time i put it back in there. it's just one more thing to add to my week of annoyances. when it comes to being a parent, my mom says i am now a pro, and not to toot my own horn but i believe it. i do a damn good job, have an extremely well behaved one year old who is always on his best behavior, well, with his mom at least, and he's extremely smart and happy all the time, well, again, with his mom. haha. how i do things is how i do things, have a problem with it, step out of my life.

i'm sure theres ten thousand more things that annoyed me this week but, it's the weekend, i'll sulk and get over it by tomorrow night and start fresh on Sunday. i laid out the law to Mike and he didn't say anything which is no surprise there, and we're currently ignoring each other while Ryder naps before we go and he gets me more agitated at the commissary.

but again, to every bad week there is always something good that happens, or good moments at least. way to be positive mama! :D
i currently have mason jars of my very first homemade pickles.
i made a crock pot dinner last weekend for the first time.
Monique made some bomb ass cupcakes that i devoured.
Ryders two front teeth are one more day closer to coming through.
he's been snuggling and happy all week during the day, he even sat in my lap on his own and snuggled with my arm while watching cartoons for 10 whole minutes, which is a huge accomplishment for my constantly on the go toddler.
he talk, talk, talks alllll the time now and i love it, and cant ever really make out what he's saying but its adorable nonetheless.
Monique and i were talking about how it's nearly impossible to hate life, or be in a bad mood even for an entire day with a baby around. they're too innocent and cute and precious, you just look at them and it all melts away and she is absolutely true. and you can never stay mad at them, ever. it's something to live for and i'm perfectly content. i have no idea what i would do without that baby boy to keep my sanity! <3

-ks.