fifty seven.

i will never get over the heart melting, of being a mommy.
lately i have really gotten into being a mom. i see different moms and shake my head, or i read posts about moms being sick of their kids, complaining about exhaustion or whatever else. and i just sit back, stare at my son, and smile.
becoming a mom really changed my life, as nothing else in my life ever has. and it isn't because he is constantly attached to me, or i HAVE to be a mom because i got myself pregnant and had no choice but to take responsibility.
for the last year of my life i have enjoyed losing sleep all because my little boy needed his mommy. i wake up earlier than i want to, i'm tired all the time, and something, right as i'm falling asleep, Ryder has a nightmare and cries for me, so i get out of bed to lay with him in his tiny little crib for as long as it takes.
i have learned to enjoy my favorite foods cold. i can barely remember a time where i have finished a meal cold, i cook when i'm not hungry so my boys have something to eat, i share whatever it is i'm eating, or i have a can of baby snacks by my side. it never fails, even if he JUST ate, he's grabbing at my plate.
i really want to get a soundproof bedroom when we move with just the baby monitor. i hate noise, except anything my son is doing. whether it be whining, crying, or babbling, of pressing the same damn button on his toy over and over and over and over again, or watching the same episode of his cartoons for the thousandth time, i never mind.
i love the hubbub of trying to get out the door and not forget anything. i have two things i grab, and a million for my son. and about to be even more, twos of everything, in different sizes and shapes, for both my kiddos. after getting the hang of it all, it's kind of what i live for now.
now that Ryder is old enough, i love teaching him things. i love counting things for him, making different sounds, saying small words and showing him what i am saying. i love watching him. that's the reason i never get things done around here. it's because i sit and play and watch him all day long. it isn't because i'm too tired or lazy. he's just so curious and interesting, he's such a distraction, lol. his latest thing is putting items on his head. he will walk around with a bucket on his head, staring at his feet, and run into things, then decide to take it off. he loves to put sunglasses on his head like mommy and daddy, and he steals Mikes cover after work and wears it around the house.  he also enjoys putting small things into big things. mainly shoes. we're always finding little toys in our shoes left by our son. and he tries to put ends of easter eggs back together, though they're usually the same end, but he tries! he points at things rather than slams his whole hand onto it. he always follows us into the bathroom when we go potty so we got the bright idea to teach him to flush the toilet today. he absolutely loves water, of any kind, and he loves running his hands under the faucet stream. he eats mostly all table food now, figuring out what he likes is a challenge but we experiment. he hates the graduates dinners, or anything "baby" i guess, but eats portions of our foods just fine. he now squats to take a poop and we think it's hilarious, he just stands up and walks away when he's done. he knows things he isn't suppose to touch. like mommys phone, laptop, and camera. he will look at it and say "nu uh" because he knows, but tries anyway. and he's learning body parts, just won't say them yet. he has a fascination with my husbands nipples, that are the size of dimes, as well as his bellybutton. he's learning to be more gentle with hair, he likes to run his fingers through it, or even a brush, until he hits you with it too hard and you take it away. he will walk up to you, throw his arms around your neck, and just pick his knees up because he knows you will pick him up that way, we are trying to teach him to say "up" and he likes to sit in your lap when he watches his cartoons. he has taken to carrying around a blankie in the mornings, holding it up to his ear like Linus on Snoopy, but he doesn't have a favorite one, as long as it feels soft. he can say a handful of words, which makes me super proud of him! and there isn't a moment in the day that passes by that i don't feel lucky about being his mom.

i read too much. whether it be on facebook or in a novel i'm reading, about moms. moms that hand their kids off to other people to go out, to party. moms that don't pay enough attention to their children so accident happen, or they don't even notice their child is sick. moms with a night off from their child because of their baby daddy, and goes out, drinks, and posts facebook photos of them drinking, tongues sticking out, a peace sign, or grabbing another girls boob. moms constantly talking about another guy, or something they want, like a car, instead of talking about their kid. moms that never post anything about their child whatsoever. moms that can't wait to put their kid in daycare and not have to "deal with them" everyday, all day. i don't understand it, at all. who are these women?! maybe they just werent ready.

i am a mom. i am a 24/7 mom. when i wake up, eat, sleep, poop, shower, i'm a mom. i don't bother with mommy time because there is nothing better than spending time with my baby. i hate being away from him, there is no fun in that. i love the feeling of being a family. i got married, and don't have to deal with baby daddy drama. Michael and i are a team, and being so, so are our children. i still shed tears of joy at how happy i am to have such an amazing little person in my life, he has saved me. i love that we can be a family and i dont have to send him away for a weekend with his dad. even exhausted or sick, i couldnt ask for a better life. i love every minute of being a mom. bags under my eyes and all. there is no better feeling that looking at my beautiful little boy and awaiting the arrival of his little sister.

knowing that i have done this one thing right in my life, makes my entire life worth living. i can't imagine one single moment without that little boy in my life. he is my life, my everything, my entire world. and i miss him so much, just because he is sleeping in the next room. i can not wait to wake up and see his smiling face, carry him downstairs while he tells me all about his dreams in his little baby babble, put on cartoons and sit with him in my lap as we both eat dry cheerios, him drinking his milk. i am so happy that i get to spend the rest of my life with this little guy, and watch him and help him learn and grow. every time i look at him, i know that i finally, finally, got something right.

i love you Michael Ryder.
i love you Lyvia Jean.
always, always. <3

-ks.