so, mike nor my mom like my baby names.
so, if you read this, please comment below on which you like! :)
boys.
Bentley James.
Jayce Dean.
girls.
Kenzie Jean.
Emalyn Jean.
and, mike still wants Lyvia Jean.
baby names are so hard!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
twelve.
this morning, i stopped being that "super wife."
and i have been torn all day about if i did the right thing.
Mike went into the field this morning. Ryder and i had to take him, so we could have the truck all week. so, we woke up at 5AM, wrapped Ry in his blanket, and put him in his car seat to drive to base. he did good with his new sippy, and said goodbye to Daddy.
we got home, and i put him back to bed, no complaints, he fell asleep in a few minutes.
then Mike texts me telling me they didn't put something on the list and i needed to bring it to him.
i stared at my sleeping son, then at my phone, and make to make a decision.
i told Mike, that i wouldn't be bringing it to him, i'm sorry. but i didn't ant to wake him up, drag him out in the cold morning, to do the same thing we did an hour ago. had he let me know when i was still driving, i would have ran in and gotten it. he told me to meet at the shop at 7, in an hour, when Ryder still wouldn't be awake. i rolled over, and went back to sleep.
i knew if i did that all over again, Ryder wouldn't sleep when we got home, that he would be crabby all day and i had a WIC appointment. and here in twentynine, those aren't fun, let alone with a fuss budget.
Mike told me he would get in trouble, but it had to put my foot down.
for the last year and a half i have ran him here and there, and ran back if he forgot something. i would drive to the barracks at midnight while he was on duty, pregnant, just to sleep in the truck with him for 4 hours and drive home. i would revolve my days around him, bring him whatever he wanted and needed. i use to love doing that but now, i have more important things to take care of.
he left for the field for a week with dishes from the other night he used, his clothes everywhere, the dogs cages a mess, garbage piling up. it isn't really fair. being that "super wife" hasn't paid off. sure, all this is my job. i take care of a lot of things, all the time. a lot of times, way, way too much. without thank yous or appreciation, and this morning i had to do what was best for my baby. like i always will.
and i have felt terrible about it all day because i know he was pissed about it.
it isn't his fault, i checked with someone else. it wasn't on the list, it isn't like he forgot it. but it isn't my or Ryders fault either. i'm already sleep deprived.
but, i have always been walked on. and take the role of mom and dad, and both husband and wife. i cook, and clean up messes. it really bothered me that he made cheeseburgers the other night, left the burgers, ketchup, mustard, and cheese, all sitting out on the counter, and didn't clean the george forman. that yesterday when he came home for lunch, after he left i had to clean up his dirty bowl, half glass or milk, and put away the string cheese he didn't eat. i'm a mom, but not his. and it's really starting to take its toll on me. i have a mountain of things to do during the day. and mostly, i enjoy doing the dishes and laundry, and chasing the kiddo. but to add to it, so when i have time to actually get something done, i'm always, always taking two steps back, it's starting to make me really, really mad. nothing puts me in a bad mood like a messy house.
and i have decided that i won't let this happen anymore. i'm going to have to be a bitch to get some help around here. i know he's tired, and he tries, but it isn't enough. he might work from 6-4. but i work all day, every day. and the fact that he leaves things for me to do, on top of everything else, i refuse to let that continue. so, while he's away, i'm enjoying my alone time. and i will clean the house and put things where i need and want them to be. and he will learn. i know it's a man thing and i know he works all day, and he does help out every so often. but to let the house get like this really make me angry. i can keep up with the normal things, but adding to it, i can't. i take pride in my home and i haven't since he got back. one day i guess, it will happen. i hope!
thankfully, he texted me a little bit okay and told me he wasn't mad at me. which, i was worried about. i'm not mad at him either, it just goes to show what a fucked up unit this is, as if we didn't know this already. they never think about the wives,but we get over it. but seriously, telling my husband that he needs to have his wife bring it, knowing fair well he has a 9 month old baby? i really, really thought about going back and giving whoever a piece of my damned mind. i've held my tongue this entire time. and i won't stand for it anymore.
today at WIC, i am so glad my son is so well behaved! he wanted to get down and play with the big kids but i knew that would end up as a disaster. so, he sat calmly in my lap. and when i was talking to the lady in back, he just stood by my chair, holding a puffs container. it was seriously a mad house and i'm really glad they got us in and out before i went insane. well, going to the car, carrying Ryder and the diaper bag, my keys were somewhere in the bag. so, i set him down next to the truck, and he stood up the entire time i was looking for them. he's getting so, so big and so good at standing. something tells me as soon as his daddy gets back, he's going to take his first steps. he is ALL over the house now, he likes the cabinets. but he knows he isn't suppose to be in them, so when i walk up to him, he lifts his arms up, like, "okay, i get it, carry me away." and i close it. he's in the stage where he goes quiet and i know he is doing something he isn't suppose to, lol. he doesn't sit still anymore, and doesn't want to play with his toys. so it's time to find something else to occupy him. he is growing up so very fast. he's so handsome, and smart, and just happy to be alive. how can i have any complaints about life with him?
on February 25th, we will find out, pink or blue. i am so excited and nervous! clearly, i want a little girl. every mommy needs a daughter. i want the pinks and the frillies and the tutus and bows. i want a little girl with her mamas curls and blue eyes. i want to raise her to be as strong as i am, and learn from my mistakes. but, i honestly feel like it's another boy. which of course, i will be happy for as well. i love Ryder, and i know i will raise him to be the man every woman dreams of, that perfect gentleman, headstrong and determined. and, it would be nice to have the boys close together. i just love dreaming about the future with them in it! i picture their rooms in our new house, and even now. we have been thinking of painting even just their rooms, a little more fun than white walls. it's going to be amazing. i just love being a mom, it's the most amazing thing i have ever done. worth every sleepless night, looking like a zombie all the time, never doing my hair, never wearing nice things, but sweats instead so i can roll around with my babies. boy or girl, he or she is going to be all mine, just like my first baby. my first baby, will always have the biggest piece of my heart though. i'm just looking forward to the future, which is really, weird for me. i have never been happier in my life until Ryder came alone, and we found out there was going to be two. me, and my two perfect babies.
and their daddy i guess. :P
and i have been torn all day about if i did the right thing.
Mike went into the field this morning. Ryder and i had to take him, so we could have the truck all week. so, we woke up at 5AM, wrapped Ry in his blanket, and put him in his car seat to drive to base. he did good with his new sippy, and said goodbye to Daddy.
we got home, and i put him back to bed, no complaints, he fell asleep in a few minutes.
then Mike texts me telling me they didn't put something on the list and i needed to bring it to him.
i stared at my sleeping son, then at my phone, and make to make a decision.
i told Mike, that i wouldn't be bringing it to him, i'm sorry. but i didn't ant to wake him up, drag him out in the cold morning, to do the same thing we did an hour ago. had he let me know when i was still driving, i would have ran in and gotten it. he told me to meet at the shop at 7, in an hour, when Ryder still wouldn't be awake. i rolled over, and went back to sleep.
i knew if i did that all over again, Ryder wouldn't sleep when we got home, that he would be crabby all day and i had a WIC appointment. and here in twentynine, those aren't fun, let alone with a fuss budget.
Mike told me he would get in trouble, but it had to put my foot down.
for the last year and a half i have ran him here and there, and ran back if he forgot something. i would drive to the barracks at midnight while he was on duty, pregnant, just to sleep in the truck with him for 4 hours and drive home. i would revolve my days around him, bring him whatever he wanted and needed. i use to love doing that but now, i have more important things to take care of.
he left for the field for a week with dishes from the other night he used, his clothes everywhere, the dogs cages a mess, garbage piling up. it isn't really fair. being that "super wife" hasn't paid off. sure, all this is my job. i take care of a lot of things, all the time. a lot of times, way, way too much. without thank yous or appreciation, and this morning i had to do what was best for my baby. like i always will.
and i have felt terrible about it all day because i know he was pissed about it.
it isn't his fault, i checked with someone else. it wasn't on the list, it isn't like he forgot it. but it isn't my or Ryders fault either. i'm already sleep deprived.
but, i have always been walked on. and take the role of mom and dad, and both husband and wife. i cook, and clean up messes. it really bothered me that he made cheeseburgers the other night, left the burgers, ketchup, mustard, and cheese, all sitting out on the counter, and didn't clean the george forman. that yesterday when he came home for lunch, after he left i had to clean up his dirty bowl, half glass or milk, and put away the string cheese he didn't eat. i'm a mom, but not his. and it's really starting to take its toll on me. i have a mountain of things to do during the day. and mostly, i enjoy doing the dishes and laundry, and chasing the kiddo. but to add to it, so when i have time to actually get something done, i'm always, always taking two steps back, it's starting to make me really, really mad. nothing puts me in a bad mood like a messy house.
and i have decided that i won't let this happen anymore. i'm going to have to be a bitch to get some help around here. i know he's tired, and he tries, but it isn't enough. he might work from 6-4. but i work all day, every day. and the fact that he leaves things for me to do, on top of everything else, i refuse to let that continue. so, while he's away, i'm enjoying my alone time. and i will clean the house and put things where i need and want them to be. and he will learn. i know it's a man thing and i know he works all day, and he does help out every so often. but to let the house get like this really make me angry. i can keep up with the normal things, but adding to it, i can't. i take pride in my home and i haven't since he got back. one day i guess, it will happen. i hope!
thankfully, he texted me a little bit okay and told me he wasn't mad at me. which, i was worried about. i'm not mad at him either, it just goes to show what a fucked up unit this is, as if we didn't know this already. they never think about the wives,but we get over it. but seriously, telling my husband that he needs to have his wife bring it, knowing fair well he has a 9 month old baby? i really, really thought about going back and giving whoever a piece of my damned mind. i've held my tongue this entire time. and i won't stand for it anymore.
today at WIC, i am so glad my son is so well behaved! he wanted to get down and play with the big kids but i knew that would end up as a disaster. so, he sat calmly in my lap. and when i was talking to the lady in back, he just stood by my chair, holding a puffs container. it was seriously a mad house and i'm really glad they got us in and out before i went insane. well, going to the car, carrying Ryder and the diaper bag, my keys were somewhere in the bag. so, i set him down next to the truck, and he stood up the entire time i was looking for them. he's getting so, so big and so good at standing. something tells me as soon as his daddy gets back, he's going to take his first steps. he is ALL over the house now, he likes the cabinets. but he knows he isn't suppose to be in them, so when i walk up to him, he lifts his arms up, like, "okay, i get it, carry me away." and i close it. he's in the stage where he goes quiet and i know he is doing something he isn't suppose to, lol. he doesn't sit still anymore, and doesn't want to play with his toys. so it's time to find something else to occupy him. he is growing up so very fast. he's so handsome, and smart, and just happy to be alive. how can i have any complaints about life with him?
on February 25th, we will find out, pink or blue. i am so excited and nervous! clearly, i want a little girl. every mommy needs a daughter. i want the pinks and the frillies and the tutus and bows. i want a little girl with her mamas curls and blue eyes. i want to raise her to be as strong as i am, and learn from my mistakes. but, i honestly feel like it's another boy. which of course, i will be happy for as well. i love Ryder, and i know i will raise him to be the man every woman dreams of, that perfect gentleman, headstrong and determined. and, it would be nice to have the boys close together. i just love dreaming about the future with them in it! i picture their rooms in our new house, and even now. we have been thinking of painting even just their rooms, a little more fun than white walls. it's going to be amazing. i just love being a mom, it's the most amazing thing i have ever done. worth every sleepless night, looking like a zombie all the time, never doing my hair, never wearing nice things, but sweats instead so i can roll around with my babies. boy or girl, he or she is going to be all mine, just like my first baby. my first baby, will always have the biggest piece of my heart though. i'm just looking forward to the future, which is really, weird for me. i have never been happier in my life until Ryder came alone, and we found out there was going to be two. me, and my two perfect babies.
and their daddy i guess. :P
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
eleven.
this weekend has been wonderful. :)
yesterday was the first full day in my twenty third year.
i woke up to Mike and Ryder bringing me coffee made in my new Keurig.
Ryder smiled at me and i noticed... his first toof popped through!! his bottom left tooth, is all pointy and sharp. my nine month old is growing up! so, Mike sang happy birthday "toof" you, from Ryder.
after Ry went down for a short nap, we showered and he gave me a massage with baby lotion, i almost fell asleep. it was sooo nice. the only thing this pregnancy has affected already is my back. he said that my back is swollen like it was with Ryder, and it hurts a lot. so it was really relaxing.
when Ryder woke up, we headed out to San Diego. the only thing i wanted to do was book hunt, and see the beach. so, we fought over the radio for the two hours before i fell asleep. every time we go on a road trip i always picture us, three dogs, and the kiddos traveling to Indiana, and i can honestly say i can't wait to get there, and NEVER do that again. lmao.
i'm really excited to get back to Indiana. though i always said, when we left it, we were never going back. but now that i grew up and had to put my kiddos safety, stability, and needs in front of my own, i'm really excited. knowing that i can see my mom when i want to, i can go see Grace and Drew play sports, or watch band concerts. knowing i can go to lunch with Aleda and Khloie, or get coffee with Amber and Logan. knowing that i have people i trust to watch my babies while Mike and i spend an evening in Chicago. knowing that i have somewhere to go, to call home. knowing my mom is less than an hour away, instead of 2,100 miles away. that i can be there in a heartbeat if something happens. it makes me stronger. something to live for. and i can honestly say, i look at our pickle jar with so much more adoration now. now that we have a plan. i am going to do all that i can for my little family. give the kids the life, house, and happiness that they deserve.
anyway, when we get to San Diego, Ryder wants a snack. as we're driving i am trying to reach behind me, up and over his carseat, to hand it to him. i kept poking him in his eye and nose, and he was yelling at me, haha. i wanted to eat somewhere random and new, so driving around, we see King Kebob, and so, we stopped. talk about random. but it was good, and we just joked around the whole time. then, we went to the beach. mike was bummed because he wanted to take me there to watch the sunset. but i was disappointed at not being able to find my camera so he told me we would just come back when i got my good one. but, it was beautiful. we found the coast, and just drove. we rolled the windows down and just listened to the waves. we parked and got out by cliffs and caves, the waves crashing against the rocks, the San Diego lights behind it it, watching airplanes take off. just standing there, smelling the ocean, watching and listening to the waves and airplanes, holding my beautiful son. it was the best feeling in the world. that was all i wanted, and i stared at my husband, who put his arm around me and kissed me. and in that moment, everything was mine. we drove around and gazed at the ridiculous houses, with tvs the size of walls, windows all made of glass, with a grand piano sitting behind it. it was nice to just sit and laugh, and drive. all the while, our son babbling behind us, joining the conversation.
the best gift, however. was checking facebook and seeing that my childhood friend, Maritsa, finally had her baby girl. Melanie came into this world on my birthday. and i am so, so proud of Mari! she is absolutely beautiful. and i can not wait until i get to hold her! it's so weird, where life takes you. Mari and i were in middle school band together and ran track. my brother helped her in running. we both went to Hobart until she went to Puerto Rico for a year and transferred to Merrillville after. she moved here in December and i loved hanging out with her. after my little rough time, she was still there for me. her husband and Mike get along and he really seemed to fit in when we spent Christmas Eve with them. Mari is just an amazing person, and i couldn't be happier that her daughter has finally arrived. she texted me a picture this morning and told me she was sorry she missed my birthday. i had to laugh, she's always so nice, like family. but i told her the best thing that could have happened yesterday was her giving the world her beautiful daughter.
today was also, awesome. i love that my husband supports my book addiction, and we went book hunting since we didn't get to yesterday. well really, he drove and held Ryder while i looked, but he was a good sport. we got starbucks on the gift card i got, and they messed up his order, so we got three large ones, for the price of two. i hit the jackpot at two of them and i now have the two places that i will go for books around here. i ended up getting 17 books for $15. so much better than Amazon! every time i get a new book, i just feel amazing. knowing soon i'll be trapped in the words of a story. a lot of books remind me of my mom, who, thankfully, also has my obsession. she's sending me a box full. i can't wait. i have a notebook with all the book titles i have, as my "reading list" and i will talley up all i have read at the end of the year. people ask me when i find time to read. well, i'm constantly tired. i take naps when my kiddo does, and when everyone goes to bed is my time. sometimes i stay up until 3 am just reading knowing i have to get up in a few hours with my son. but, i never neglect him for my books. he will always come first. and one day i hope my babies like to read as much as mommy and mimi does. :)
i have really high hopes for the next year in my life. there are a lot of things i want to change. and things i want different. but today, and yesterday, and every day, i am going to be happy that i have made to to this point in my life. be thankful for my husband, for all he has done, and not the things he still needs to work on. that i have been blessed with an absolutely perfect little baby boy, with one toof, and can stand on his own when he feels brave. and i will be blessed once again at the end of july when my second baby comes into this world. that i am the youngest daughter of my mother, and that she has shared so much of life with me. that i am my fathers daughter. that i have wonderful people in my life. to lean on, laugh with, a shoulder to lean onto and cry. that, no matter where i go, or what i do. i will always be my childrens hero. and that's all i want to be.
here, is to turning twenty three. <3
-ks.
yesterday was the first full day in my twenty third year.
i woke up to Mike and Ryder bringing me coffee made in my new Keurig.
Ryder smiled at me and i noticed... his first toof popped through!! his bottom left tooth, is all pointy and sharp. my nine month old is growing up! so, Mike sang happy birthday "toof" you, from Ryder.
after Ry went down for a short nap, we showered and he gave me a massage with baby lotion, i almost fell asleep. it was sooo nice. the only thing this pregnancy has affected already is my back. he said that my back is swollen like it was with Ryder, and it hurts a lot. so it was really relaxing.
when Ryder woke up, we headed out to San Diego. the only thing i wanted to do was book hunt, and see the beach. so, we fought over the radio for the two hours before i fell asleep. every time we go on a road trip i always picture us, three dogs, and the kiddos traveling to Indiana, and i can honestly say i can't wait to get there, and NEVER do that again. lmao.
i'm really excited to get back to Indiana. though i always said, when we left it, we were never going back. but now that i grew up and had to put my kiddos safety, stability, and needs in front of my own, i'm really excited. knowing that i can see my mom when i want to, i can go see Grace and Drew play sports, or watch band concerts. knowing i can go to lunch with Aleda and Khloie, or get coffee with Amber and Logan. knowing that i have people i trust to watch my babies while Mike and i spend an evening in Chicago. knowing that i have somewhere to go, to call home. knowing my mom is less than an hour away, instead of 2,100 miles away. that i can be there in a heartbeat if something happens. it makes me stronger. something to live for. and i can honestly say, i look at our pickle jar with so much more adoration now. now that we have a plan. i am going to do all that i can for my little family. give the kids the life, house, and happiness that they deserve.
anyway, when we get to San Diego, Ryder wants a snack. as we're driving i am trying to reach behind me, up and over his carseat, to hand it to him. i kept poking him in his eye and nose, and he was yelling at me, haha. i wanted to eat somewhere random and new, so driving around, we see King Kebob, and so, we stopped. talk about random. but it was good, and we just joked around the whole time. then, we went to the beach. mike was bummed because he wanted to take me there to watch the sunset. but i was disappointed at not being able to find my camera so he told me we would just come back when i got my good one. but, it was beautiful. we found the coast, and just drove. we rolled the windows down and just listened to the waves. we parked and got out by cliffs and caves, the waves crashing against the rocks, the San Diego lights behind it it, watching airplanes take off. just standing there, smelling the ocean, watching and listening to the waves and airplanes, holding my beautiful son. it was the best feeling in the world. that was all i wanted, and i stared at my husband, who put his arm around me and kissed me. and in that moment, everything was mine. we drove around and gazed at the ridiculous houses, with tvs the size of walls, windows all made of glass, with a grand piano sitting behind it. it was nice to just sit and laugh, and drive. all the while, our son babbling behind us, joining the conversation.
the best gift, however. was checking facebook and seeing that my childhood friend, Maritsa, finally had her baby girl. Melanie came into this world on my birthday. and i am so, so proud of Mari! she is absolutely beautiful. and i can not wait until i get to hold her! it's so weird, where life takes you. Mari and i were in middle school band together and ran track. my brother helped her in running. we both went to Hobart until she went to Puerto Rico for a year and transferred to Merrillville after. she moved here in December and i loved hanging out with her. after my little rough time, she was still there for me. her husband and Mike get along and he really seemed to fit in when we spent Christmas Eve with them. Mari is just an amazing person, and i couldn't be happier that her daughter has finally arrived. she texted me a picture this morning and told me she was sorry she missed my birthday. i had to laugh, she's always so nice, like family. but i told her the best thing that could have happened yesterday was her giving the world her beautiful daughter.
today was also, awesome. i love that my husband supports my book addiction, and we went book hunting since we didn't get to yesterday. well really, he drove and held Ryder while i looked, but he was a good sport. we got starbucks on the gift card i got, and they messed up his order, so we got three large ones, for the price of two. i hit the jackpot at two of them and i now have the two places that i will go for books around here. i ended up getting 17 books for $15. so much better than Amazon! every time i get a new book, i just feel amazing. knowing soon i'll be trapped in the words of a story. a lot of books remind me of my mom, who, thankfully, also has my obsession. she's sending me a box full. i can't wait. i have a notebook with all the book titles i have, as my "reading list" and i will talley up all i have read at the end of the year. people ask me when i find time to read. well, i'm constantly tired. i take naps when my kiddo does, and when everyone goes to bed is my time. sometimes i stay up until 3 am just reading knowing i have to get up in a few hours with my son. but, i never neglect him for my books. he will always come first. and one day i hope my babies like to read as much as mommy and mimi does. :)
i have really high hopes for the next year in my life. there are a lot of things i want to change. and things i want different. but today, and yesterday, and every day, i am going to be happy that i have made to to this point in my life. be thankful for my husband, for all he has done, and not the things he still needs to work on. that i have been blessed with an absolutely perfect little baby boy, with one toof, and can stand on his own when he feels brave. and i will be blessed once again at the end of july when my second baby comes into this world. that i am the youngest daughter of my mother, and that she has shared so much of life with me. that i am my fathers daughter. that i have wonderful people in my life. to lean on, laugh with, a shoulder to lean onto and cry. that, no matter where i go, or what i do. i will always be my childrens hero. and that's all i want to be.
here, is to turning twenty three. <3
-ks.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
ten.
the first hour of my 23rd birthday has been EPIC!
first, my mom texts me at midnight to tell me happy birthday. so i tell her thank you for squeezing me out of your vagina and putting up with my shit for 23 years. she told me that dealing with my shit was a tough job and she was hoping i was shitted out and done giving her shit. i told her, i would never be shitted out. so, she told me i would always be full of shit. which, i had to remind her, that i had taken a shit with her on the phone earlier today. so, she called me a shit head. she told me goodnight and said,
"remember, i will love you forever."
and i told her, "i'll like you for always."
i love and miss my mom and i love how close we have gotten in the last year and a half.
then, i'm hungry, so i jump off the bed, and trip. you ever trip and just start randomly dancing, and then start singing some random dance song to go along with your jig? i do this, alll the time. so, i'm dancin and singin, and look over and Mikes awake, staring at me, asking me what the fuck i was doing. i just stared back, and walked away.
then i came back upstairs, with a bottle of tea. i seriously could not get the damn thing open. i tried for like, 10 minutes. so, i shoved Mike, and shook him, waking him up. he looked around like something had happened. but i just handed him the bottle of tea. he ended up dropping it on his face while trying to open it for me.
then, i'm just sitting in bed on Facebook and i hear Ryder start babbling. i have no idea why he is awake. so i figure if i leave him be, he will fall asleep. so, he's talking, talking, talking. then... complete silence. then i hear a giant toot, like, a fart that comes from his daddy's butt. and then, i hear him giggling, and laughing. apparently, that big ole toot tickles hims buttcheeks. hen i hear him clankin his keys back and forth on his crib, and growling, like a jailbird trying to get out. i don't think he knew mommy was awake, lmao. he fell back to sleep now, but that toot was seriously, hilarious.
now, i'm going to close my damn MAC, and read a few chapters in my book, what i wanted to do hours ago but was completely distracted. off to a good start, hopefully tomorrow is just as good.
fuck, i never looked for my camera charger, and have no idea where to start.
hmph.
first, my mom texts me at midnight to tell me happy birthday. so i tell her thank you for squeezing me out of your vagina and putting up with my shit for 23 years. she told me that dealing with my shit was a tough job and she was hoping i was shitted out and done giving her shit. i told her, i would never be shitted out. so, she told me i would always be full of shit. which, i had to remind her, that i had taken a shit with her on the phone earlier today. so, she called me a shit head. she told me goodnight and said,
"remember, i will love you forever."
and i told her, "i'll like you for always."
i love and miss my mom and i love how close we have gotten in the last year and a half.
then, i'm hungry, so i jump off the bed, and trip. you ever trip and just start randomly dancing, and then start singing some random dance song to go along with your jig? i do this, alll the time. so, i'm dancin and singin, and look over and Mikes awake, staring at me, asking me what the fuck i was doing. i just stared back, and walked away.
then i came back upstairs, with a bottle of tea. i seriously could not get the damn thing open. i tried for like, 10 minutes. so, i shoved Mike, and shook him, waking him up. he looked around like something had happened. but i just handed him the bottle of tea. he ended up dropping it on his face while trying to open it for me.
then, i'm just sitting in bed on Facebook and i hear Ryder start babbling. i have no idea why he is awake. so i figure if i leave him be, he will fall asleep. so, he's talking, talking, talking. then... complete silence. then i hear a giant toot, like, a fart that comes from his daddy's butt. and then, i hear him giggling, and laughing. apparently, that big ole toot tickles hims buttcheeks. hen i hear him clankin his keys back and forth on his crib, and growling, like a jailbird trying to get out. i don't think he knew mommy was awake, lmao. he fell back to sleep now, but that toot was seriously, hilarious.
now, i'm going to close my damn MAC, and read a few chapters in my book, what i wanted to do hours ago but was completely distracted. off to a good start, hopefully tomorrow is just as good.
fuck, i never looked for my camera charger, and have no idea where to start.
hmph.
nine.
in two hours, the clock will turn.
and i will turn twenty three years old.
that number, has saved my life. when i got the job at PSC, thanks to Ryan Walsh, they gave me the number twenty three. two.three. two simple numbers. but behind that number, i became a completely different person. working Security, and with my Squad, and having the help of so many amazing people, i got the courage to walk away from Billy. in that same time frame, it also gave me the courage to give Michael a chance. after talking to my mentor, Bob, who i miss so, so very dearly, he gave me the strength i needed to follow my heart and follow my husband. On July 23rd, 2010, S-23, left her old life behind.
this, silly little number, has changed my life.
and tomorrow, will be my first full day, back as twenty three.
i am determined to make it the best year. i want to let go of the past, and look toward the beautiful future i have with my husband and children. i want to learn to accept the things that i can not change. i refuse to be walked on anymore, or let others hurt me. i will do my best to see my husband as the wonderful man that he is and wait patiently for him to come around. because him and i need each other so, so much. it is the year of three. in august, we have known each other for three years, and in that same month, my two beautiful children and i become three. i want to be happy and carefree again, like i was when i was born. i knew nothing in this world, but love.
i'm tired of living the life i have been living for the past 23 years. i have always wanted, more. i wanted someone else's life. i watch movies and want to be someone, someone that i'm not. someone that isn't even real to me. but i have always, always wanted to be someone else. maybe i was just a dreamer, or maybe i never knew who i was. until now. i am beautiful, just the way i am. i don't need different hair, or a different nose, or to be skinnier, or curvier. i am perfect, just being me. and now, i have three amazing, beautiful beings to live for. my absolutely amazing, smart, silly little boy. my second baby on the way. and the man that has blessed me with such gifts.
i can not thank my mother enough for giving birth to me and raising me as she did. he tells me that the first time she saw me, i was sucking my thumb. i was her third and last child, and i completely ruined her hips. :) i was the most spoiled, and the most rotten child of the bunch. i was stubborn, a hellian, rebellious. and now, her and i are the closest of all my siblings. and i'm the farthest away. i'm glad she gave birth to me. 23 years ago i tore her open, buck naked, and came screaming into the world!
here to, another beautiful year of my life. <3
ks.
and i will turn twenty three years old.
that number, has saved my life. when i got the job at PSC, thanks to Ryan Walsh, they gave me the number twenty three. two.three. two simple numbers. but behind that number, i became a completely different person. working Security, and with my Squad, and having the help of so many amazing people, i got the courage to walk away from Billy. in that same time frame, it also gave me the courage to give Michael a chance. after talking to my mentor, Bob, who i miss so, so very dearly, he gave me the strength i needed to follow my heart and follow my husband. On July 23rd, 2010, S-23, left her old life behind.
this, silly little number, has changed my life.
and tomorrow, will be my first full day, back as twenty three.
i am determined to make it the best year. i want to let go of the past, and look toward the beautiful future i have with my husband and children. i want to learn to accept the things that i can not change. i refuse to be walked on anymore, or let others hurt me. i will do my best to see my husband as the wonderful man that he is and wait patiently for him to come around. because him and i need each other so, so much. it is the year of three. in august, we have known each other for three years, and in that same month, my two beautiful children and i become three. i want to be happy and carefree again, like i was when i was born. i knew nothing in this world, but love.
i'm tired of living the life i have been living for the past 23 years. i have always wanted, more. i wanted someone else's life. i watch movies and want to be someone, someone that i'm not. someone that isn't even real to me. but i have always, always wanted to be someone else. maybe i was just a dreamer, or maybe i never knew who i was. until now. i am beautiful, just the way i am. i don't need different hair, or a different nose, or to be skinnier, or curvier. i am perfect, just being me. and now, i have three amazing, beautiful beings to live for. my absolutely amazing, smart, silly little boy. my second baby on the way. and the man that has blessed me with such gifts.
i can not thank my mother enough for giving birth to me and raising me as she did. he tells me that the first time she saw me, i was sucking my thumb. i was her third and last child, and i completely ruined her hips. :) i was the most spoiled, and the most rotten child of the bunch. i was stubborn, a hellian, rebellious. and now, her and i are the closest of all my siblings. and i'm the farthest away. i'm glad she gave birth to me. 23 years ago i tore her open, buck naked, and came screaming into the world!
here to, another beautiful year of my life. <3
ks.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
eight.
every time i go on Michael's old Facebook page, i look at him asleep, and smile.
because ever since we met, so much has changed. and it makes me realized that i am happy with the man that i married. i no longer see him fitting in with his old friends, i look at the girls he dated and laugh, i can't see them being together. i don't get hurt anymore. there's this girl, Kim, oddly, that he seriously was like, obsessed with. she has tattoos and a crap ton of piercings, different colored hair. and yet, there would be pictures of her everywhere. i was so discouraged and felt self conscience. now i look at her pictures and know that Mike would never fit in next to her. it's a really good feeling that i haven't felt in a long time. all his friends are out parting and drinking and dating around, while Mike is working, taking care of his family, chasing one kiddo around and waiting for the other to be born. he doesn't degrade women like all those others. he has changed so, so much. he finally, has it all right. and i love him for it.
i think back to when we were dating. how careless we were. we didn't care about the law, or our own safety. shit, half the time we didn't care about each other. there were so many cute times though. when we were showering together the other day, it made me think of when we use to in his moms house. i use to make him wait 10 minutes after i got in, so that i could shave my legs. and now i just push him to the side and have a conversation with him behind me. there is no shame between us, but that ended awhile ago. we were crazy in love and crazy with everything we did in life. we were never home, we stayed up late, and stayed out until the sun came up. i watched while him and all his friends drank and partied, i would always crawl back in bed with him after a test i had in my first class. we would run and jump at each other, have sex more times in one day than we do in a week sometimes now. we had our moments.
and sitting here, sometimes, it makes me sad. i miss those cute times, those days when we would ignore the world and just be us. but we aren't those "kids" anymore. and i am becoming more and more comfortable with that. instead of him coming home from work and shoving me into a wall to make out with me, and us race up the stairs to have sex, now i get a soft hello kiss and he goes and plays with his son. instead of us staying in bed late on sundays, listening to cartoons, he lets me sleep in and takes Ryder downstairs to watch them. there is no more speeding, or much drinking, or carelessness. and i kind of like that life better. we are mostly free from drama, and made influences, and i am now confident in our marriage. i am no longer terrified to go see my family, in fear that i would deal with too much, stress too much about who my husband is with or what he is doing. i know now that he will do what i need him to, for our son.
and it finally feels like i can breathe. after all this time.
but, despite the man my husband has become to be, i will always see the boy i met in him. especially when he lays next to me and sleeps. he's still that boy with the motorcycle that my mom hated, the one that would play be songs on his electric guitar at 4 in the morning. the boy that drinks his coffee with just sugar, and gets the cheesy scrambler with bacon at hessville. the boy that carries his skateboard around with his gentle fingertips around the trucks. that boy with the beat up car that he would always open the door for me, and hold my hand while driving. but that boy, is still there, underneath the man that i love now. and i could not ever be more proud of this beautiful person sleeping next to me, for all that he has become. it's crazy to think how far we have come, how much things have changed.
but the only thing that can never falter, is our love for one another.
and the precious little babies we share together.
damn pregnancy emotions. they seem to have gotten the better of me the last few days.
love you Michael Patrick, you butthead.
because ever since we met, so much has changed. and it makes me realized that i am happy with the man that i married. i no longer see him fitting in with his old friends, i look at the girls he dated and laugh, i can't see them being together. i don't get hurt anymore. there's this girl, Kim, oddly, that he seriously was like, obsessed with. she has tattoos and a crap ton of piercings, different colored hair. and yet, there would be pictures of her everywhere. i was so discouraged and felt self conscience. now i look at her pictures and know that Mike would never fit in next to her. it's a really good feeling that i haven't felt in a long time. all his friends are out parting and drinking and dating around, while Mike is working, taking care of his family, chasing one kiddo around and waiting for the other to be born. he doesn't degrade women like all those others. he has changed so, so much. he finally, has it all right. and i love him for it.
i think back to when we were dating. how careless we were. we didn't care about the law, or our own safety. shit, half the time we didn't care about each other. there were so many cute times though. when we were showering together the other day, it made me think of when we use to in his moms house. i use to make him wait 10 minutes after i got in, so that i could shave my legs. and now i just push him to the side and have a conversation with him behind me. there is no shame between us, but that ended awhile ago. we were crazy in love and crazy with everything we did in life. we were never home, we stayed up late, and stayed out until the sun came up. i watched while him and all his friends drank and partied, i would always crawl back in bed with him after a test i had in my first class. we would run and jump at each other, have sex more times in one day than we do in a week sometimes now. we had our moments.
and sitting here, sometimes, it makes me sad. i miss those cute times, those days when we would ignore the world and just be us. but we aren't those "kids" anymore. and i am becoming more and more comfortable with that. instead of him coming home from work and shoving me into a wall to make out with me, and us race up the stairs to have sex, now i get a soft hello kiss and he goes and plays with his son. instead of us staying in bed late on sundays, listening to cartoons, he lets me sleep in and takes Ryder downstairs to watch them. there is no more speeding, or much drinking, or carelessness. and i kind of like that life better. we are mostly free from drama, and made influences, and i am now confident in our marriage. i am no longer terrified to go see my family, in fear that i would deal with too much, stress too much about who my husband is with or what he is doing. i know now that he will do what i need him to, for our son.
and it finally feels like i can breathe. after all this time.
but, despite the man my husband has become to be, i will always see the boy i met in him. especially when he lays next to me and sleeps. he's still that boy with the motorcycle that my mom hated, the one that would play be songs on his electric guitar at 4 in the morning. the boy that drinks his coffee with just sugar, and gets the cheesy scrambler with bacon at hessville. the boy that carries his skateboard around with his gentle fingertips around the trucks. that boy with the beat up car that he would always open the door for me, and hold my hand while driving. but that boy, is still there, underneath the man that i love now. and i could not ever be more proud of this beautiful person sleeping next to me, for all that he has become. it's crazy to think how far we have come, how much things have changed.
but the only thing that can never falter, is our love for one another.
and the precious little babies we share together.
damn pregnancy emotions. they seem to have gotten the better of me the last few days.
love you Michael Patrick, you butthead.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
seven.
it isn't even 10 o' clock and everyone is already asleep.
so i popped myself some popcorn and decided to blog before starting a new book. :)
this past week, has been a lot better. though, i'm even more exhausted from the constant go that i'm no longer use to. after my doctor on monday, Ryder's yesterday, and running to get my glasses and dealing with little man's poop mess and teeth, on top of the crazy dogs and the chores, i just want to sleep for a week. haha. but as a mama, life must go on. hopefully a lot less "shitty" than this morning. :)
lately i have been trying to be more positive about life and by thankful for what i do have. i honestly feel more of a weight lifted off my shoulders. i have realized a few things in the last few days.
i love it in Twentynine Palms. i do not like the Marine Corps, whatsoever. and i can not wait to leave that part of our life behind. however, i will be sad to leave this home of ours. i read on a post on our site by this girl, who is a nurse, asking what happens if her husband denies orders here, because they both see it as a dead end and her career will be "ruined" i was appalled. does everyone in this world think that Marine Wives we're sissy little girls waiting for a man to come by, sweep them off their feet, and run away with them? NO! we had lives too. i, for one, never go a day without thinking of what my life would be like had i stayed. i had a lot of my dreams stashed away in my cities streets, they were all hard to leave behind. but, a career isn't nearly as important as being with my new husband before he goes to war. it doesn't even come close to comparing to starting a family, and the amazement and wonder in a new babys' eyes. and i felt that Michael needed me more than a job did. and i still do. yes, a lot of times i think moving out here was a mistake, but not because i "ruined" my life, or my career. and it really bothers me when newbies to the desert just sit and complain. this is our home. most of us don't mind the drive to the mall and learning to love the little things that this beautiful place has to offer us. and reading that opened my eyes, and made me realize how grateful i am for what i DO have here, and not for what i don't. it's given me a chance to raise my child in a good environment. and spend more time with him than at the mall, or at a bar and getting a babysitter. i have learned to absolutely love just rolling around and running after my baby, making him giggle until he toots. it's made me appreciate all the little things that life has to offer me and moving here really has made me a much better person.
also, i have learned to let go of Mike's old life. i got upset the other night when i thought about Ryan. he was really, the only one i cared about back then. he's a really sweet guy and he was there for Mike more than anyone other than Buddy. i think, with us getting married and not telling him, we hurt Ryan the most. it was Ryan that told me that it would be awesome if Mike had a kid, 2 weeks into our relationship. and of course, tricked me. but when it came to Mike and babies, Ryan supported him. he too, had a dad skip out on him and i know that will make him a great dad, as it has Mike. so, i messaged him on facebook. i wanted to again, tell him that whatever happened in the past, and even a month ago, wasn't my fault. that i wasn't the monster, and that Mike was just trying to find his place in this world. i told him that i hoped he was doing well and we missed him, and told him of our plans to hopefully come to Indiana. before i could change my mind, i sent it. Ryan has always been civil to my face, though i know not so much behind my back. he wrote back saying that when we do come he wants to, "sit us down and talk to us about how Mike just up and ditched the ones he use to love." and he would "like to meet the kid." he called my son, "the kid"... and wants to sit two people, a married couple, that is older than him, down, to talk about why we did what we did? my upset feeling ended there. first of all, my sons name is Ryder. he has a name. our next baby will as well, as well as our thousands of other children if we so do decide. our dogs, have names too. the face that he couldn't even say he would like to meet RYDER, really made me even more mad and it made me realize that, not one of them has ever asked about him, and i highly down they have ever called him by name. i think that's all i needed from him, was that response. to let it all go.
also, ever since i sent that photo to Trish, of Troy holding Ryder, and her trying to start things with Mike, he hasn't heard from her. and that's fine by me. it still baffles me that he knew about it and didn't tell me what a bitch i was. and when i brought it up, he just shrugged it off saying they didn't have much to talk about anyway. i go through his phone from time to time still, i am still insecure. not about women, that is long gone, thankfully. but about who he talks to and what he says. since he always makes me out to be the bad guy. but i am extremely proud of him, and he HAS changed. other than that one night when we had the big fight and i kicked him out, he hasn't talked to his old friends, and hasn't talked to any females since he got back. but tonight, i got a knot in my stomach when i saw "mom" in his phone. but, i had nothing to worry about, and i never do. i ought to keep telling myself that more often. she asked how he and "everyone" here was, he told her fine, he was just working long hours. when she asked if we knew the sex yet, (which i laughed about. because she's so far from our lives she has no idea how far along i am!), he just told her no, but he was impatient. she said something else, but he never responded. and honestly, i think that's even better than them not talking. this poor woman is never going to get the hint. and i just laugh at her expense. and i no longer feel bad about my choices. bitch thing or not, sending that photo was my final stand. it showed her i wasn't playing games, no more miss nice girl. and it proved to myself that i have a backbone and i will do what's best for my son. :)
and lastly. i smile at all the friends i have around the world. i was always the shy quiet one in high school, i never had many friends. but, through these blogs and facebook, i mean a lot, to a lot of people. i might not talk to my friends often, or hang out with them. but we are always here for each other. i am really, really thankful for Olivia. i have had so many mood swings when it comes to hanging out, i get so discouraged. but she never stops trying. i have begun to realize how close we are, and it just makes me so happy. we are a lot alike, but completely different. she believes in me. today, i finally got up the motivation to see her and Ryleigh. we just sat around, let the kids play, and talked. my house was a mess, but i didn't feel embarrassed because i knew that she understood. it's hard with a baby. she bought me the perfect little cake for my birthday, and some candy. and books! because she knows my addiction. and watching Ryleigh and Ryder play together, and be nice! and Olivia's parenting skills, it just amazed me how well the four of us fit. and of course, Ryder gave her a hair mustache. :) and, talking to Kelsey again, never missing a beat and being there for one another and watching as her life changes, and watching the beauty in which she handles herself, even if she's terrified. watching Amber start her new life, while bringing a precious little baby into this world, only a few weeks ahead of me. talking to Lacey, and watching her do the absolute best thing for her and Khloey, even if it's so, so difficult. watching the lives of all my friends. the ones that i have met, and the ones that i haven't. even the small ego boost when i post on a question, or vent, on our 29 site, and people "liking" what i have to say, really makes me feel good. i feel like finally, i am far, far from alone. that i AM a good person, and my heart will always be kind. talking to Brittany about babies, talking to Aleda, my oldest and closest friend, even through our ups and downs, about little girl bows and headbands for when i have a daughter. just seeing everyone happy for me and my little family about adding a new addition. people are actually EXCITED for us, and it melts my heart. i feel like i have a family over the internet. and this little Facebook family has been there for me more than my blood family. it's really made me realize who is and is not important. and it's made the wanting for home, a lot less. making me a lot happier in this crazy little world.
now. of course i have to have a little funny moment. of my son of course! well, every morning, he wakes me up by babbling. if he's ready to go downstairs and watch Mickey and play, he yells louder. but, it's never a whine, or a fuss, or a cry. just letting mommy know. but, if he just wants to play and let mommy sleep, he's quiet after he wakes up. he's the best alarm clock. this morning i hear him playing happily. i always lay in bed a few minutes longer and listen to his baby babbles and wonder what he's saying. then, he starts getting loud. if he could actually speak i swear he would have been saying MOOOOOOOOOM! really loud and urgent. so, i put my contacts in and walk into his room, singing like i always do. and then, i'm hit in the face with a smell. i looked at him. he's sitting there, staring up at me, with poop all over his face, cracking up laughing. poop, on my babies face!!! well, i guess Mike came back from work this morning because they cancelled his trip to Pendleton for, who knows what. so he climbs back in bed with me, uniform, boots, and all. we both heard Ryder fussing around 0600, so he tells me he will make him a bottle so i can sleep. figuring he got it, i fell back to sleep. after the giant diaper rash incident, i figured Mike learned. whenever you give him a bottle in the middle of the night, you change his butt!!! apparently, he forgot. he tells me he checked it and he didn't have much pee, and no poop. i don't really see in the 3 hours time between Mike checked him and Ryder woke me up, he peed THAT much, and pooped as well. my child is pretty cleanly. he hates things on his hands, he always gives me his hand and looks at me like, "get it off mommy." so, i'm curious to his thought process this morning! the poop, we up his back and leaked out of his diaper onto his bed. apparently, he decided to finger paint his face. i seriously, almost started crying, i have no idea what to do. so i lifted him up, arms outstretched, peeled off his nasty diaper and just threw him in the tub. i just sat there, shaking my head, while i wiped the poo off my childs face. i swear, no matter how many times i washed my hands, or his today, i still smell it!! poor little guy!
so i popped myself some popcorn and decided to blog before starting a new book. :)
this past week, has been a lot better. though, i'm even more exhausted from the constant go that i'm no longer use to. after my doctor on monday, Ryder's yesterday, and running to get my glasses and dealing with little man's poop mess and teeth, on top of the crazy dogs and the chores, i just want to sleep for a week. haha. but as a mama, life must go on. hopefully a lot less "shitty" than this morning. :)
lately i have been trying to be more positive about life and by thankful for what i do have. i honestly feel more of a weight lifted off my shoulders. i have realized a few things in the last few days.
i love it in Twentynine Palms. i do not like the Marine Corps, whatsoever. and i can not wait to leave that part of our life behind. however, i will be sad to leave this home of ours. i read on a post on our site by this girl, who is a nurse, asking what happens if her husband denies orders here, because they both see it as a dead end and her career will be "ruined" i was appalled. does everyone in this world think that Marine Wives we're sissy little girls waiting for a man to come by, sweep them off their feet, and run away with them? NO! we had lives too. i, for one, never go a day without thinking of what my life would be like had i stayed. i had a lot of my dreams stashed away in my cities streets, they were all hard to leave behind. but, a career isn't nearly as important as being with my new husband before he goes to war. it doesn't even come close to comparing to starting a family, and the amazement and wonder in a new babys' eyes. and i felt that Michael needed me more than a job did. and i still do. yes, a lot of times i think moving out here was a mistake, but not because i "ruined" my life, or my career. and it really bothers me when newbies to the desert just sit and complain. this is our home. most of us don't mind the drive to the mall and learning to love the little things that this beautiful place has to offer us. and reading that opened my eyes, and made me realize how grateful i am for what i DO have here, and not for what i don't. it's given me a chance to raise my child in a good environment. and spend more time with him than at the mall, or at a bar and getting a babysitter. i have learned to absolutely love just rolling around and running after my baby, making him giggle until he toots. it's made me appreciate all the little things that life has to offer me and moving here really has made me a much better person.
also, i have learned to let go of Mike's old life. i got upset the other night when i thought about Ryan. he was really, the only one i cared about back then. he's a really sweet guy and he was there for Mike more than anyone other than Buddy. i think, with us getting married and not telling him, we hurt Ryan the most. it was Ryan that told me that it would be awesome if Mike had a kid, 2 weeks into our relationship. and of course, tricked me. but when it came to Mike and babies, Ryan supported him. he too, had a dad skip out on him and i know that will make him a great dad, as it has Mike. so, i messaged him on facebook. i wanted to again, tell him that whatever happened in the past, and even a month ago, wasn't my fault. that i wasn't the monster, and that Mike was just trying to find his place in this world. i told him that i hoped he was doing well and we missed him, and told him of our plans to hopefully come to Indiana. before i could change my mind, i sent it. Ryan has always been civil to my face, though i know not so much behind my back. he wrote back saying that when we do come he wants to, "sit us down and talk to us about how Mike just up and ditched the ones he use to love." and he would "like to meet the kid." he called my son, "the kid"... and wants to sit two people, a married couple, that is older than him, down, to talk about why we did what we did? my upset feeling ended there. first of all, my sons name is Ryder. he has a name. our next baby will as well, as well as our thousands of other children if we so do decide. our dogs, have names too. the face that he couldn't even say he would like to meet RYDER, really made me even more mad and it made me realize that, not one of them has ever asked about him, and i highly down they have ever called him by name. i think that's all i needed from him, was that response. to let it all go.
also, ever since i sent that photo to Trish, of Troy holding Ryder, and her trying to start things with Mike, he hasn't heard from her. and that's fine by me. it still baffles me that he knew about it and didn't tell me what a bitch i was. and when i brought it up, he just shrugged it off saying they didn't have much to talk about anyway. i go through his phone from time to time still, i am still insecure. not about women, that is long gone, thankfully. but about who he talks to and what he says. since he always makes me out to be the bad guy. but i am extremely proud of him, and he HAS changed. other than that one night when we had the big fight and i kicked him out, he hasn't talked to his old friends, and hasn't talked to any females since he got back. but tonight, i got a knot in my stomach when i saw "mom" in his phone. but, i had nothing to worry about, and i never do. i ought to keep telling myself that more often. she asked how he and "everyone" here was, he told her fine, he was just working long hours. when she asked if we knew the sex yet, (which i laughed about. because she's so far from our lives she has no idea how far along i am!), he just told her no, but he was impatient. she said something else, but he never responded. and honestly, i think that's even better than them not talking. this poor woman is never going to get the hint. and i just laugh at her expense. and i no longer feel bad about my choices. bitch thing or not, sending that photo was my final stand. it showed her i wasn't playing games, no more miss nice girl. and it proved to myself that i have a backbone and i will do what's best for my son. :)
and lastly. i smile at all the friends i have around the world. i was always the shy quiet one in high school, i never had many friends. but, through these blogs and facebook, i mean a lot, to a lot of people. i might not talk to my friends often, or hang out with them. but we are always here for each other. i am really, really thankful for Olivia. i have had so many mood swings when it comes to hanging out, i get so discouraged. but she never stops trying. i have begun to realize how close we are, and it just makes me so happy. we are a lot alike, but completely different. she believes in me. today, i finally got up the motivation to see her and Ryleigh. we just sat around, let the kids play, and talked. my house was a mess, but i didn't feel embarrassed because i knew that she understood. it's hard with a baby. she bought me the perfect little cake for my birthday, and some candy. and books! because she knows my addiction. and watching Ryleigh and Ryder play together, and be nice! and Olivia's parenting skills, it just amazed me how well the four of us fit. and of course, Ryder gave her a hair mustache. :) and, talking to Kelsey again, never missing a beat and being there for one another and watching as her life changes, and watching the beauty in which she handles herself, even if she's terrified. watching Amber start her new life, while bringing a precious little baby into this world, only a few weeks ahead of me. talking to Lacey, and watching her do the absolute best thing for her and Khloey, even if it's so, so difficult. watching the lives of all my friends. the ones that i have met, and the ones that i haven't. even the small ego boost when i post on a question, or vent, on our 29 site, and people "liking" what i have to say, really makes me feel good. i feel like finally, i am far, far from alone. that i AM a good person, and my heart will always be kind. talking to Brittany about babies, talking to Aleda, my oldest and closest friend, even through our ups and downs, about little girl bows and headbands for when i have a daughter. just seeing everyone happy for me and my little family about adding a new addition. people are actually EXCITED for us, and it melts my heart. i feel like i have a family over the internet. and this little Facebook family has been there for me more than my blood family. it's really made me realize who is and is not important. and it's made the wanting for home, a lot less. making me a lot happier in this crazy little world.
now. of course i have to have a little funny moment. of my son of course! well, every morning, he wakes me up by babbling. if he's ready to go downstairs and watch Mickey and play, he yells louder. but, it's never a whine, or a fuss, or a cry. just letting mommy know. but, if he just wants to play and let mommy sleep, he's quiet after he wakes up. he's the best alarm clock. this morning i hear him playing happily. i always lay in bed a few minutes longer and listen to his baby babbles and wonder what he's saying. then, he starts getting loud. if he could actually speak i swear he would have been saying MOOOOOOOOOM! really loud and urgent. so, i put my contacts in and walk into his room, singing like i always do. and then, i'm hit in the face with a smell. i looked at him. he's sitting there, staring up at me, with poop all over his face, cracking up laughing. poop, on my babies face!!! well, i guess Mike came back from work this morning because they cancelled his trip to Pendleton for, who knows what. so he climbs back in bed with me, uniform, boots, and all. we both heard Ryder fussing around 0600, so he tells me he will make him a bottle so i can sleep. figuring he got it, i fell back to sleep. after the giant diaper rash incident, i figured Mike learned. whenever you give him a bottle in the middle of the night, you change his butt!!! apparently, he forgot. he tells me he checked it and he didn't have much pee, and no poop. i don't really see in the 3 hours time between Mike checked him and Ryder woke me up, he peed THAT much, and pooped as well. my child is pretty cleanly. he hates things on his hands, he always gives me his hand and looks at me like, "get it off mommy." so, i'm curious to his thought process this morning! the poop, we up his back and leaked out of his diaper onto his bed. apparently, he decided to finger paint his face. i seriously, almost started crying, i have no idea what to do. so i lifted him up, arms outstretched, peeled off his nasty diaper and just threw him in the tub. i just sat there, shaking my head, while i wiped the poo off my childs face. i swear, no matter how many times i washed my hands, or his today, i still smell it!! poor little guy!
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