fifty two.

family, is who you choose.
i can not remember the last time that i saw my cousin Patrick. when Papa died, he had his own thing going on. growing up i heard he was the "problem child", even a temperamental toddler, he started out rough early. him and i have sat on facebook for over an hour just, talking. and i realize, there's a lot more layers to that boy than anyone in our family can imagine. when he was six, his mother was killed in a car accident. only a short time later his dad remarried and had two more kids with his new wife. i don't think anyone has ever sat down and asked him how he felt, what was going on with him. as a teenager yeah, maybe he isn't perfect. but how could such a young man possibly be what our family calls "normal", after all he went through? but i know that talking to him tonight, him and i are one in the same. i think it took him not showing up for the funeral to make me realize that he too, spoke up. he put his foot down and removed himself from that family. and it took that funeral for me to do the same thing. and here him and i stand, on the outside looking in.
when tim remarried, our family was livid. how could he marry so soon after Beth. didn't he love her? didn't he even care that she died? i was only 12 when the accident happened. i can not tell you how many months, or years went by until Tim met Emily, but i do remember the glares and stares she got from my family when she came around. more times than i care to admit, i have thought about what would happen if my husband died. honestly, sitting here right now. i do not think i could ever move on. my mom tries to tell me otherwise, but i don't. i have my husbands two children, and that is all that i will ever need. i would take our money and live out our dreams, the three of us, and carry Michael with me wherever we go. but i married a man that i knew would walk away and possibly never walk back. Tim kissed his wife goodbye for work, and she never came home. our situations are completely different yet one in the same. i have no doubt that Tim loved Beth very, very much. maybe one day i will sit down with him and talk to him about what he felt through it all. i think it would mean a lot to me, and open my eyes to more in life, if only he is willing to let me listen. maybe he just had the courage to walk away from something that was no longer there, like my mother wasn't. and like i wasn't with Billy. maybe there is something less or more.
Patrick told me tonight that he gained a lot of respect for me because i stepped up to our Aunt Sandy at the funeral. it was about time someone said something. he too, has felt judged all his life. Sandy was always trying to bribe us to be our "favorite" aunt. i remember how she would sit me down in the waiting room and ask me who my favorite aunt was, and i would always say Beth. she would hand me a new barbie, or a book, or clothes, and ask me again, so i would say her. i guess her kids do it now too. Madelaine is now dating someone and Meg and Matt were arguing that she "needed permission from her favorite cousin" no one needs permission in this family to do anything. it's just disgusting, who these people are. and i never ever see myself wanting anything to do with them, ever. blood means absolutely nothing. family is who you choose, and i have chosen my husband and our children, to show them everything we were not, when we were young. and choose a family for them that is nothing like what we once knew. family doesnt go to a cousins wedding and not come meet their nephew or niece. family doesn't leave you out, or judge you, or belittle you. they do not make your life hard, or make up excuses. they accept you, appreciate you, care about you. they love you. every day and all the time. the only person that gives me that love, is my son.

i miss Beth. i miss Grammy the most. she was the glue that held everything together. i wish i could go back....  i havent been able to call my belly Lyvia lately. something feels missing. my due date is close to the date of Beth's death. three weeks and 2 days. maybe my guardians will play a hand in our daughters fate and bring us a precious little girl in her place, she will then become, Elyzibeth.

today, was exactly what i needed. yesterday, the blue beast was towed, the wonderful car in which Ryder was conceived in, is now gone. i was a little sad, i have to admit. but they handed me over a check in my name this morning that i get to deposit into our house savings money and it gave my heart a little kick. then Monique and i went shopping at Home Goods, ate lunch at Chipotle, and found super cute clothes at Ross. my poor teething baby wasn't the happiest of campers and i got to carry him around half the time, all the while his little sister kicking him in the booty. but he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me when he needed me and its the best feeling in the world. he started having a meltdown and i took him out of the cart, tears running down his face, snot dripping from his nose and he just rubbed his face into my arm while i told him everything was going to be okay. my sweet little boy. and in Walmart he helped push the cart and then tried stealing four bags of goldfish, and was blowing raspberries into my arm and cracking up. he was a crab butt today but i didn't have a meltdown with him. Monique was waiting for the moment i huffed and said we needed to leave, but i didn't. i handle things so much better now. i just held him and told him it was going to be okay, and made him smile. that perfect little smile. his bad days only mean that he needs his mommy more.
i finally got a glade sensor spray air freshener thing that i have always wanted.
i got cute dresses and tops for me, and for Mike at Ross.
Monique and i joked and laughed and talked like we use to, about anything and everything.
Mike had no idea what to do without Ryder and i, so he kept texting me haha.
and it was nice to just have girl time again, i didn't even worry about being home when Mike got home, i knew i would see him enough next week.
today made me feel so good. just about life, myself, everything in general. i even feel better about my mother in law coming, even though my house still isn't the way i want it to be. it will get there. i am just simply, happy. everyday brings something new. and i refuse to ever let it get me down. <3

-ks

fifty one.

bad case of the mondays.
ugh, this always happens. during Deployment it was Mondays, after Deployment it was Wednesdays, it never made any sense to me. today just started off rough. Ryder is getting at least one top tooth in, if not two. and he's had a cough all weekend. and now he has a runny nose and was just super cranky. i gave him medicine and he is down for a nap. then i let the dogs out and once again, Scout pissed all over, and when he jumped down from the cage, piss got all over me. ants were all over the dog food bin that was inside, then Mollie somehow, got out of the fence. AGAIN. when we keep fixing it. so i let her come in the house and she doesn't want to be around the baby because he likes to "play" so when i let her out, she wiggles under something and chases people and barks. on top of being stressed about his mom coming and finishing cleaning, gah, makes my head spin. but i won't let these next two weeks get the best of me. i'm bigger than all of this, and stressing out isn't needed. i just need to keep reminding myself of that.

last night, Monique and i went to see The Lucky One. yes, it doesn't com out for another 4 days and we already saw it, haha. joys of being a Marine Wife i guess! and it was super weird leaving Ryder with Mike. but they went to the mcx and got a diaper genie that i have been wanting to get for between the kids rooms, and when i walked in the door Ryder came waddling at me and wrapped me in a big hug! the rug was cleaned and Ryder's room was spotless. thats my BIGGEST chore, always going through all his clothes, sorting, folding, putting away. it's so tiring. and Mike never helps with the kids stuff, so coming home to that was wonderful! and with the baby gate at the top of the stairs, i no longer have any worries, and after Ryders bath, we just let him wander around upstairs while he brushed his teeth. it's just nice finally having things picked up and in order in at least some of the house, since he is everywhere now. just kind of difficult getting things there. Ryder went to bed for Mike without fuss and he stayed up a little later with me to watch an episode of Lost, and when that was over, he moved the table out of the back patio like i've been wanting him to. then we made out like teenagers and i took a bath with my book and just relaxed. so whatever has happened this morning, shouldn't mean very much.
tomorrow, Monique and i are going shopping! i miss shopping, and Home Goods. i need to make my house more "homey" again. and get shirts that fit me! haha, i think it will be just what i need before all of this. ahhh, can not wait to have all this over though. :)

-ks.

fifty.

i'm going to do what's best.
for my beautiful babies and myself.
i feel so good about myself. yesterday i went and started a savings account at Chase for our house when we move next year. i'm going to have to get over the fact that i will basically be saving on my own, and making plans by myself at this point, seeing that is it rarely discussed. nothing really is anymore. but i have come to realize that clearly, i can handle everything on my own just fine. but, it really felt good, and it's only in my name. Mike knows about it, but knowing that even though he makes the money, the fact that i will be handling how and when and how much to save, and only me, makes me feel like i'm doing more for my little family. i still have no idea how everything is going to go with the move, finding a house, and getting settled. at this point i am dubbing it the most difficult time in our lives and leaving it at that. it will fall into place when it does, there isn't a point to thinking too far into it now. but i know now is the time to start taking things just a little bit more serious. in less than four months i will be a mother of two. that's exciting and scary at the same time, and honestly, i can't really believe it. we have everything we need for our daughter but it's currently just thrown in our spare room, the one his mother wants to sleep in. good luck.

i'm still feeling bitter about next weekend. i am getting upset because my son, my little baby, is turning one. Mike doesn't seem to want to help out at all around here, and i refuse to let it all fall on me like it usually does, when it's his mother, plans still aren't set for the zoo and who is going and i am about to say screw it, and again, he hasn't even talked to his mother for two weeks. he decided to tell me today that on one of the days she is here, he will have to go to work half day. awesome, so it's up to me to occupy this woman. it's getting to be too much. i would never expect Mike to have to do this when my parents visit, and they get along just fine! he's going to be staying late at work all week because people are in the field, so there is no time for us. not like there ever is, since he goes to bed so early. and even today people from the shop were calling him all morning for stupid shit, when we're trying to spend time as a damn family. i am completely over this bullshit marine corps and i never want to have to deal with it ever, ever again. this egotistical stupid, childish, high school "i'm better than you" game, i have absolutely no respect. it's just too much for me to want to handle right now. i'm just getting irritated at the fact that i get to clean house and be nice, for a trip that should not be 8 days long. who in their right mind visits that long at random? what the hell is there to eve do? gosh, i just pray it all passes by rather quickly and i can be done with it. i just wish Mike would make me feel better about it all and kiss my butt a little this week. he has no idea what this is like for me. guh, i just want to scream.

in the last week i have been slapped with the past and Mike's friends. two of them messaged me and asked about Mike and life, yadda yadda. one, i never really had an issue with. it really bothered me only at the fact that i was counting on him to come see Mike before Deployment and he completely bailed. he might not like me but to my knowledge he has never disrespected me, or at least, too much. and the other told Mike that he hoped i died during MOS school. they both want to meet my son. i don't think i can let that happen. i am trying to burn so many bridges and let so many things go and i simply can not. it just isn't possible for me. even Tiffany was talking to Mike like nothing ever went on. but i am proud of his responses to her at least. i looked on her Facebook and was disgusted even more. it was her 21st birthday yesterday. she even made a status saying she was thinking of becoming a stripper to pay for a trip to california and florida. i just can not believe who she is becoming! and my mom brought up the point to me that Monique and i are extremely close, and yet, Mo is younger than my sister in law. and she's right. if Tiffany was a better person, had any sort of morals, and actually cared about anyone but herself, she would be a great person to have in my childrens life. as it is, they already don't have much family to call their own other than mommy, daddy, each other, and mimi and pops. it just, it's just astounding the things i have to deal with. and it makes me wonder sometimes, why i even married Mike in the first place.

however, i have amazing people in my life from Mikes past as well. oddly, they are both Stephs. lol. it made me feel amazing when Mike's old neighbor recently sent Ryder a birthday present for him. her and i have never met and it just means so much to me how much she cares about my little family. she is always telling me how good i am for Mike and she is happy that he found me. she knows the jist of the drama i went through and she knows Trish and Tiff, and she understands a lot more than most people. and just the fact that she is on our side, lifts me up so much. and Stephanie as well, she hung around the group and knew every little particle of drama and crap i went through. and she told me the other day that she understood now why i did, the things that i did. how everyone said i controlled Mike but Jon is even worse with his girlfriend. and the fact that i did what i felt best for my family and to this day, i know that the changes that have been made were exactly that, for my family. and those changes have helped us grow so much. but for someone that was there and witnessed it all first hand, telling me that she was proud of me for making it work, melts my heart completely.

:sighs:  it's just that everyday, i am changing. who i am as myself, as a mother, and who i am in this world. and the past few weeks i feel like Mike can't keep up. every so often i feel like we're a team but most days he comes home, ignores me, plays with Ryder, then goes to bed. i have been having an issue with my son and my husband as well. Ryder rarely fusses, he never gets cranky unless he's tired or hungry. lately whenever Mike is home, especially if i am upstairs doing something else, he can not contain my sons happiness. if i lay down for a nap i barely sleep because my son is downstairs crying or whining, which he never, absolutely never does for me. whenever Mike lays him down for a nap or bed, Ryder gets so worked up. the same with diaper changes, he throws a fit! and he hasn't been wanting to eat dinner that Mike makes. he still plays with Mike the same, but it's short lived, and then he goes off and plays by himself. it's so... strange. maybe because i have been irritated with Mike, especially when it comes to Ryder. like this morning i slept in and went downstairs and saw Ryder had a soggy diaper. i asked Mike to change it while i grabbed something to eat and he was doing something on his phone. whenever i ask him to do something for our child and he doesn't do it right away, i get so irritated, since i am always on top of it while he is at work. so, i ended up not eating, so that i could change my sons diaper. it's getting more and more frequent, these little irritations. and it scares me because, i'm going to have my hands beyond full with two babies. while i change one of them, will the other have to wait when his/her dad is home for mom to get done changing one butt, to change the other? it just frustrates me, a lot. on the weekends when i can sleep in, take a nap, or study, it's always screwed up by Mike. also during the nap, Mollie got out, again, so i heard her running around barking and had to yell for Mike to go get her. and while i was doing my homework earlier i asked him to stay up with me, while he whined he was tired, kept farting, and thought it was funny to shut my laptop. bills are behind because he needs to take responsibility to help out and remember to pay something, help out somewhere... and it's just getting to be more than i would like to be dealing with. i had honestly hoped that he would go to the field this coming week so i could have my own time. and not have to deal with a crabby assed child for no reason. i know, i know. this is life. a part of marriage, part of being a family. i know that he helps out a lot more than a lot of guys out there, he provides for us, yadda yadda. but the fact that this next weekend and following week are going to annoy me enough, the fact that he's starting this crap now, makes me even more agitated.

oh how i need a day to just relax and not have to worry about one thing or anything. or handle things on my own. or have a husband that actually wants to stay up late and give me a hand or just.. i don't know. sit? lay with me and talk about nothing? i am hoping he just needed a day to not do anything, and that tomorrow he will get done what he needs to get done around here, and not throw the "i'm tired" card at me when i get far less sleep than he does. its just too much stress than i feel like dealing with lately and i am hoping after his mom leaves, things will be a lot less tense in our household.

regardless, i am enjoying the time i am having with my son while he's crabby at daddy. the BEST feeling is him walking up to me with his two teethed grin and throws his arms around my neck and just lays his head on my shoulder. or when he wakes up in the morning and i go to lay with him for a few minutes and he babbles all about his dreams. last night he was fussing a little, i thought he might want a bottle since he didnt want his dinner. i walked into his room and he smiled at me. i pulled him out of his crib to change his diaper and put lotion on him and he just talked to me, smiling. he grabbed his binkie and i laid him back down and he snuggled under his blankie and fell back to sleep. like, he just wanted to make sure mommy was still there for him, and he could go back to sleep in peace. i just love watching him grow and learn everyday. we bought laundry detergent today and he kept pulling the plastic cap off one part of it, and putting it back on where it belonged. he was being silly and crawling around all sideways today, and walking in circles like a nut. he knows what things are now, and where they go, and he's so interested to learn everything about this world. he's been saying "mama" a lot more and it just makes me melt. and he babbles from the time he wakes up until he falls asleep at night, just nonsense, but i love every word of it. i just love to sit and watch him do everything. and before bed he sat in my lap and laid back and watched a baby Einstein video with me, and i was just in heaven. even though my sweet baby boy is growing up, doesn't mean he is outgrowing his mommy as i had feared. he is just growing more so mommy can love him more. and i do, i fall in love with him every single day, all over again, multiple times. i wouldn't change having my son for anything in the entire world. and i am so lucky that he is mine. he makes everything make sense, and every hard, stressful, difficult time, a lot more enjoyous, all with that little perfect smile and laugh of his. <3

-ks.

forty nine.

stay at home mommy.
i just read a great article on being a stay at home mom. i get so many rude remarks from Mike's friends, or, well, use to, seeing as they no longer speak. about how easy being a stay at home mom is, get a real job. yadda yadda. even Mike himself doesn't seem to know what my day to day is. the first six months before he was home was a lot easier than i imagined. i actually prefer those days to some of these hectic crazy ones. i always said it would be easy when he can do things on his own. boy, who was i kidding?
so, this is my normal everyday life.

my son is an amazing sleeper. he goes to bed around 9PM, and wakes a little after 8AM. when i hear him fussing, or yelling my name, i struggle to open my eyes, throw on my glasses, and go downstairs and make him a bottle. this is the only time he will actually lay down and drink his milk all day. it's our "down tim." he drinks his bottle and listens to music while i hop in the shower, or lay back down and hope he falls back to sleep for a few more hours, which is happening less and less. if i'm really exhausted i lay in his crib with him and usually he falls back to sleep, thank goodness. i know i'm lucky on that part! but after my shower and a quick email/facebook check, i go into his room and grab him and take him downstairs.
i turn on cartoons that are never watched.
and he grabs the most random item to start the day out with.
today, he was carrying around his shoe with a pen he stuck inside of it around the house.
anyway, when we go downstairs, the dogs hear me and want let out. i open the patio door and fill their water bowls and pour their food, and Ryder is right there at the door watching me. so he doesn't get trampled, i pick him up and open all three cages one handed and let the dogs out.
once the dogs are dealt with, i try to make myself something quick to eat. if i sit down, Ryder is right at my knee trying to take the food out of my mouth. i end up eating half of what i made myself because he wants some.
then he goes back to playing.
no matter where i go, he's at my heels. i can't even take a 30 second pee break without him coming in and slamming the door against my knees. i can't open the fridge to get a bottle of water without him trying to climb in there himself. don't even bring up the dish washer. before i even get it all the way down he's trying to take things out of it. same thing with the dryer. if i'm putting clothes in it, he's trying to close the door on me. he thinks it's hilarious.
when it's his lunch time, it's hit or miss lately. he is starting to be a picky eater and instead of fight with him to eat baby food, i just give him whatever snack i have, or a banana, or some mac and cheese from the little cups. which, he usually just throws on the floor, and food is wasted. he seems to only want his milk so i let him out of his high chair and give him his bottle or sippy, he doesn't care which one, and walks around, then usually drops it a minute later to pick up some other random item.
diaper changes and putting clothes on him is like a Rocky movie, i swear. i am kicked, punched, scratched, anything he can think of. he usually runs away buck naked and i have to go chase him. even handing him something to distract him is losing its charm. i sometimes have to literally hold my child down and sit on part of him just to get a diaper on his butt.
and i would rather not mention clipping his nails, that happen about every other week because it's seriously, world war three in the Nelson house.
while i clean, Ryder helps. when i wash bottles, he is standing or sitting between my legs with a toy. whatever clothes i fold, he unfolds. whatever i tell him not to touch, he touches. that in itself, is exhausting. it's a constant up and down, playing with him, stepping on toys that feel like your foot is being ripped off, picking up the same things over and over again.

Ryder is really good with outings, well, with just Mommy that is. he's having an issue with his dad lately. but he's in the grabbing stage of shopping so i have to remember not to put him too close to things, and he likes to twist himself so he's facing the back of the cart, grabbing things from the cart and tossing them out. if i'm not getting too many items, i throw him in the basket part and he enjoys himself with whatever he can find. keys... my keys are a big thing. and if you try to take them away, good luck!

i think when Mike gets home, it's the worst. lately whenever that is, Ryder gets really, really crabby and i have no idea why. i am extremely lucky to have such an incredibly baby that rarely whines, cries, or fusses. there's a small tantrum here and there but they end really fast. but when his dad gets home, he's super whiney. he doesn't want to play with toys, or eat, or do anything. it's really frustrating because he's not like that at all, all day! even Monique saw this yesterday, it was insane. i think he's having separation issues from Mommy. today i fed him dinner, gave him a bath, and put him to bed, things daddy usually does. and he didn't have any problems whatsoever. it's really weird, but i don't mind.
bath times are fun times.
bed times, depends on who is handling it. haha

when i put Ryder to bed, we have our little thing.
i'll walk him up the stairs and talk to him. i walk in his room with the lights off, turn on his music, and stick a binky in his mouth. (which, i am proud to say he only uses when he sleeps and car rides.) i kiss him and run my fingers through his hair and set him in his crib, hand him his blanket, and walk out of the room. if he fusses, i give it a few seconds, but i usually walk down stairs and let him snuggle down and get comfy. if he cries, i go upstairs and rock him or lay with him, just whisper to him and pat his back, rub his head, rub our noses together, until his eyes close. then i hold him tight for a few minutes, climb out, and the battle is over. i've never really had to wrestle with him to sleep. i just soothe him and he's out.

with his dad, oh god.
he fights Mike for sleep so bad. even when Mike lays with him, Ryder is standing up and jumping in his crib, climbing all over Mike. i don't think Mike knows what calm down time is. it takes an hour sometimes for Ryder to calm down and not fight and fuss with his dad, in which i get agitated and give him a bottle. when i am completely against bottles at night because he pees so much, i don't need him getting a diaper rash by morning and trying to change him while he's sleeping isn't the easiest. i don't understand why Ryder has such a hard time falling asleep with Mike. think he's just use to his Mommy!

after bedtime Mike and i usually watch an episode of Lost, he goes to bed, i take a bath. i stay up late reading, doing homework, and catching up with my friends, until usually, about 2. i have always been a terrible sleeper at night, so i don't even try to go to bed at a normal time. i take a lot of naps with Ry lately, i steal him from his crib and just snuggle him. though, sleep rarely happens because i am too busy staring at him, lol!

anyway, it doesn't sound like much but it's really tiring. and come August, it will be even more so. i get little sleep, eating is difficult, even taking a poop is hard some days. i constantly worry he will find something he shouldn't. i look terrible, all the time. i'm tired, all the time. there is no more "me" and i know that i got lucky. i have a great, fantastic, little boy, who rarely gives me any trouble. i can only imagine what it's like to have a little terror child!

but i wouldnt change any single second of it. even if i am tired, taking care of a child, a household, pets, and a husband, is a difficult task. especially when taking on getting a degree as well. but it's all worth it when he comes running into my arms with a smile and says mommy, or learns something new that i haven't missed it. i don't ever plan to have a career, being a mommy, is a full time, lifetime, most rewarding job there is. i love being able to wake up with my son and spend the entire day with him. though it isn't easy sometimes, it's most worth it. it makes me sick when moms would rather go out and party, or pawn their child off to someone else. its hard for me to even spend an evening away from Ryder to see a movie with my husband! i have children, to be a mother. not to be cool, enter some trashy trend, or for someone else to raise them for me. i am raising my son the right way, the proper way in my eyes. and he's a good little boy because of it. he's absolutely spoiled in love and laughter, he's already polite, and he is treated with respect, even at 1 years old. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. i take being a full time mommy with pride. it's the best thing in this world.

forty eight.

it makes me sad.
that, last Easter, i brought my brand new baby son home with me. it was the first night him and i snuggled in my bed together, the first night i got to wake up completely alone to feed and change him. it was the most emotional night i have ever been through. especially since i was alone. but being with him, that night, just him and i. made me realize that i didn't need anyone else. that life was so precious and small that it fit in the palm of my hand. my beautiful little boy. that night proved to me that i could do anything in this world, no matter what. as long as i had him by my side.
becoming a mom made me realize more in life than i could ever imagine. it made me closer to my own mother, but it tore me apart from the rest of my family. it still kills me, that stupid question, "when are you coming to visit indiana?" my family and i will not be back in indiana until we move back, next November. but that won't be making much of a difference. i have watched "family" not give a damn about me or my children, no congratulations, not asking how we're doing, nothing. i honestly thought maybe getting married and having babies would make my sister realize i wasn't her baby sister anymore, that i was a grown woman. that all the people that thought i have made so many mistakes in my life, would open their eyes to the person i really was. and it didn't. i am still just as invisible as i was before i ever got married, or had my son, or will have my daughter. and to be asked when i'm visiting, infuriates me.
when are YOU visiting? when are you coming to California to meet my children, where were you when i delivered my son on my own, recovered from a cesarean section, and handled the first six months so completely and utterly alone? where was even a phone call to ask how i am doing? i didn't get any of that, from anyone. my sister, especially. her and i were beginning to get close when i got married, and right before i left. we text messaged all the way to California and as soon as i got here, it was like i barely existed. her and my brother will not meet Ryder until he is 2 and a half years old, and Lyvia is 15 months. because no one cares. and i think i'm starting to prefer it that way.
i can honestly say that i do not regret moving out here. i don't regret having to do it on my own. being "alone" made me realize how un alone i really was. i will always have my son and daughter, and husband. no matter where he is in this world.
as much as i hate my mother in law and want her nowhere near my home or son, i have to admit. i give her a lot of credit for actually coming out here. twice, actually. i am still unsure of any reason, or how it will go, and i know i won't like it regardless. but she cares enough about someone or something to fly out here to visit. to take time off work and leave Tiffany the house for a week to be out here with her first born and his son. it says a lot more than anyone in my family. other than my mom of course. my sister drove to and from Colorado for my cousins wedding, she's flown to Disney in Florida, twice. and flown to New York, all for pleasure. and she has never once said how she would like to come meet my son. or my daughter. or anything of the sort. i deleted her off of my Facebook so she would have to ask for information. and her and my mom don't talk often anymore, so she barely knows anything about my son. i texted her last week about baby gates, she answered my question and left it at that. my brother, is a whole other story. i deleted a lot of family members from my page as well, and felt guilty and added them back not too long ago. no messages, no comments, nothing.

it's like i never even existed.

it all just makes me ill. my mom asked me today if i wished i was in indiana like we had planned to be. and i had to tell her honestly. no, i didn't. not once since i moved out here have i felt left out about not being home for a holiday with my husband and son. what is the point? so i can waste my day with people i can't stand, people that don't care about my life or know anything about it? people that sit back and judge me constantly? watch the manipulation between family members and watch my mom get walked on by her sister? the last time i saw Sandy i told her how i felt about her and walked 15 miles home. i don't ever plan to see her again. or any single person on my moms side of the family anymore. the important ones are gone from our lives. the people i know that would care, so, so very much about my children. it breaks my heart that my guardians, i feel more present, than the people that are alive. i can not get over how it all makes me feel.

there are so many times in one week when i think about the move, that i do not want to go back to indiana. if it wasn't for my mom, i wouldn't ever set foot back in that state. Mike and i already know things won't be much different than they are now. i'll see my mom more, we might see his. if his sister stops being a skank, we will more than likely see her more often. but other than that, i don't see how it's going to be any different. i still, won't exist. my children still, won't exist. no one will come over, we won't host holiday dinners at our house, there isn't a point. even my dads side of the family is slipping. i have always looked up to all of them, they never judged me. but they're also not there at all either.

you find out who deserves to be in your life when you need them the most. the days i started needing everyone was over a year ago. they weren't there then. they're not there now.

its really hard. i know a lot of people wonder why Mike and i fight so much, and then fight so much to make it work. other than the fact that we obviously love one another and can't see it working out with anyone else. it's also the fact that, we're all each other has anymore. we have our little family of four. and we are going to teach them as they grow up, that the four of us stick together, and we are all we really need. i am so tired of letting people into our lives that so carelessly walk out, or don't care about any one of us. my husband went to war, and missed the birth of his first born. i went through it all on my own at the age of 22. my cousin karen was a young mom, with no baby daddy around. everyone helped her make it through. my little cousin passed away because his parents were too careless to keep an eye on him. he drown in their pool, with four adults in the house. as terrible a tragedy it was, people care more about him and his death, than knowing anything about my children. they throw a celebration every year for him... for a careless, stupid, ignorant mistake! when there was a big scandal with my other cousins wife, the family helped him. no matter what hard time they went through, there was always someone there. i have had no one. ever.

i still can not let go of the fact that my entire family went to Disney and didn't even tell me until a few weeks before. i wasn't invited, i wasn't thought about, no one cared. they didn't like some of the choices i have made in my life at that time, so they shoved me aside. this was almost 3 years ago and the sting of the pain is still so great. i had never felt more alone than i did then. and that's when Mike and i met and he made me feel wanted. and needed. he didn't forget about me. he included me in his life, his decisions, everything. he took my hand when i felt most alone and showed me i was anything but.
just like his son did last April.
my husband left for 6 months in the most difficult and terrifying times in my life and yet, the only thing that was really missing was an extra set of hands and a few more hours of sleep. as much as we argue and he hurts my feelings, he has never hurt me as bad as every single living soul i am suppose to call "family" has, back in indiana. even Trish has hurt me, and maybe, just maybe, this trip will make the world of difference between the two of us. she's doing more than anyone else i know.

oh, i have no idea why i am getting into this. i guess i am just tired of being asked by people i never talk to, that said they would be there for me, when i am coming to see them. when them coming to meet my son and daughter would be easier than uprooting two babies, three dogs, fighting for a longer leave time, driving 5 days there, staying a few days, with them more than likely not even seeing us, just to drive 5 days back. that a simple message would be nice here and there, so see how i am doing. they know nothing about my life and i have had enough of it.

my children are so beautiful, even if i have not yet met my daughter. seeing Ryder's smile light up the room, how in love with life he is, and all the little things. i can not promise them more than i can right now that the pain i have felt with family, the pain their father has felt from their family, will never be felt, ever. i was so dead against Trish coming and i am still not happy, but she cares enough to fly out here again, even after last time, to meet our son. i have to keep that in mind. and my mom. she knows almost everything that happens in my son's life, and i know she would trade anything just to get here and spend time with him. i just wish she saw how badly i have been hurt, and how none of this is my fault. she tells me that once i move back i can reconnect with my siblings. but why? when i haven't done anything but do things they wish i hadn't. it's also a jealous factor that i am in love with my husband and my family and my sister is surrounded by "what ifs." my children are too good for those people. they always will be.

i never know how lucky i am until one of my friends points it out. like one of them did the other day. she told me that i'm "living the dream." and it always makes me sit back and think that, i really am.  i have one amazing little boy. he has always been healthy, and happy. always, always happy with a smile on hi face. he is walking all over the house and giggled when he falls. he thinks the silliest things are hilarious. he has changed my life so much, there is no way i could live one single moment without him. we are blessed to be expecting another baby, a daughter even more so, at such a young age. we are both able to grow with our children, and live a long happy life together. i am so happy that i was healthy enough to get pregnant again so soon, and that Lyvi is growing so well in my womb. there are days i worry that, having rushed, she will come out different than her brother, but i know that no matter what, she will be absolutely beautiful, in her very own sort of way. and we are all lucky that my husband will be here for the birth, and get to catch up on all he missed with his son. i am lucky enough to have a faithful husband. i hear so many women devastated by things i do not think i will ever have to get through. that i trust him completely and even on our hardest days, there are only two women for him. his wife and our daughter. and despite his stubborn ness and me wanting to punch him sometimes, he usually always makes up for it in a day or two. and no matter what, he is always there to kiss me goodnight, and tell me he loves me in the morning. and i am extremely lucky to have held onto the relationship with my mom as i have, her being so far away. talking everyday, multiple times a day like we do, sure makes it feel like she's here with me, or i, there with her. we see each other once a year and that's nuts, but it doesn't feel nearly as long because of the closeness we share with one another. i am lucky enough to always have her by my side. sometimes my stomach drops at the thought that one day, i won't be able to pick up the phone and call her about the funny thing Ryder just did, or tell her what i'm cooking for dinner, or call her after a good book hunt to read the descriptions of them. it kills me, every time. and i know that i have to make the most of every single day with her. her and i both know that time is too short. and i am lucky enough that, every time i hang up on her, she always calls back. and at the end of the day, she will always be my best friend. ups and downs and all.

and my little family is so blessed to have three such beautiful women watching over us every night. i have been thinking lately about how i wished my grammy was still alive. she always called me "brat baby" when i was growing up and i call Ryder that now. she always encouraged me to write, write what i know. and when i write these posts, i think about her often. i might not have been published like she said i could always do, but i write whenever i get the chance. she knew me through some really hard times in my life. and i am so glad she didn't have to be here through Billy and watch me deteriorate at the seams. but i know she sees me now, watches me every single day. and i know, from the bottom of my heart, that she would be proud of who i have become. as a woman and a mother. there were so many times i know that i had let her down, and been a person i shouldn't have been. but i can't go back, and i wish i could. all the time. to be a little more patient, listen just a little bit longer, hug her just a little bit tighter. and tell her how much i looked up to her, every day of my life. i wish i could have just one more minute with her, to look her in the eye and ask her, if i have made her proud. i wish she could meet my husband, watch Ryder walk, hear Lyvia's cry. i want to tell her all about my dreams for my children, my babies so full of life. and to say that i hope i can love them as much as she loved all her daughters. i know that, no matter how many times i have let her down, that those days are over. and that she's still here with me, all the time. and that i am never, ever alone.

-ks.

forty seven.

blame hormones.
or whatever you will but this week has not bee a good one, last week wasn't all that great either.
i'm struggling, and that isn't something i like to admit. i am called superwoman for a reason, but i guess even the best fall down sometimes. but i feel totally alone in this world right now. i get this way a lot and i try to hide it. but it isn't fair anymore.
i'm struggling trying to get through these next few weeks and get over his mother coming into my home for eight straight days and he isn't making this any better. we don't talk about it. i ask what we should cook during the week, or what things we can do outside of the house and he just shrugs. i work a lot better if there is a plan. even something so dumb as to the meals we will cook. but it helps, a lot. i don't like going day to day with things anymore. there isn't just myself i have to think about, but my children as well. and Ryder works better under structure as well. i find that he has a better day if i tell him the night before that we need to go grocery shopping when he wakes up. though, i know he doesn't fully understand, but it makes me feel better knowing i can give my son a plan. i like making lists and having certain days devoted to certain chores. i like things in their place. having to search for things, even for five minutes puts me in a tizzy. i like being heard. i think that's the biggest thing that's bothering me this week. i feel ignored. everything i talk about the conversation falls flat. the things i ask him to do i have to either repeat myself or they just do not get done. i've been trying to calm down and relax as much as i can, knowing in August things are going to get twice as stressful and difficult. and the fact that i feel this way now, gives me little hope once my daughter gets here. and that isn't something i ought to be getting worked up over, it's a happy time. i'm a mother, and i love being a mom. there is nothing better in this world. and i love having someone else to think about and care for and love other than myself. i'm not a selfish person and i do not get upset if my day doesn't go as planned because of a late nap, a cranky baby, or anything dealing with my child. i can easily go with the flow with my son and i know that i can do the same with my daughter.
but when my husband walks in the door and wants to take a shower, and eat because he's "starving" because he supposedly hasn't eaten all day, and then goes to bed at 10PM because he complains he's tired. day in and day out it wears me even more and more thin. i can not remember the time i was able to shower when i wanted to, without setting an alarm and waking up an hour before my child is suppose to. and even then, sometimes that doesn't work. i can't remember the last time i was able to eat a meal without being interrupted, and am snacking on things all day because that's all the chance i get to eat. i told him yesterday that he needed to wait until Ryder went to bed to shower, that it really wasn't fair to me for him to come home, his son get excited to play, and Mike just go take a shower and leave me to pick up my crying baby because his daddy doesn't want to play. even when i am in the middle of doing something, Mike doesn't allow me to finish. everything he is doing is bothering me. on top of all the stress of his mom coming out here and the baby being due in 4 months time, i have no idea how to handle everyday life anymore. i have to constantly ask him to do the same things over and over. and most times, it doesn't get done. it's getting to the point where i have to tell him to change his sons diaper while i do something else, because my poor baby's diaper is sagging to his knees. he has had a diaper rash for over 2 weeks. when Mike isn't home and i focus more on my child, i change his diaper every hour and a half just so he doesn't have to sit in his pee and make his bottom hurt worse. i have to tell Mike it's dinner time, or bath time, or it's time for bed, so don't rile him up. i asked him to feed Ryder something different tonight and he ignored me and fed him what he always does. portions that are smaller than he needs to. when i put Ryder to bed, he understands that it's good night time and only fusses for a few minutes, while he fights Mike and Mike just gives up and wants to give him a bottle so he doesn't have to deal with it. this "amazing father" i have been calling him in the last few months are slipping. it's like, he can't even care at all. and i've about had enough.

Ryder is never fussy when it's just him and i. he knows my parenting style and mommy means business. i do not let him play on the couch, if he wants to cuddle or sit and watch cartoons, he is allowed on the couch. if he wants to jump, he has to get down. i do not let him play with my sunglasses, which he loves. because i like knowing where things are and not having to go look for them when it's time to go somewhere. same with my keys. when he's fussy, if he is, i don't immediately think, "oh, its nap time!" and try to lay him down. Ryder woke up and was still in his crib when Mike got home today and within an hour he asked Ryder if he wanted to take a nap. seriously?! and after i took away my sunglasses, somehow Ryder had them again. but god forbid Ryder ever touch Mike's Oakleys. he has been falling asleep in Ryders crib at night while trying to calm him down because he's sooo tired. and yes, he does work during the day. but when was the last time he stayed up until 4AM doing homework or reading to relax, and waking up a few hours later and tackling the day. and instead of napping like i would like to, there are things i need to get done because i have no help. i love being a parent. no matter what mood Ryder is in. he has a set schedule, as he has had for almost a year. Mike, doesn't seem to care. last night after his bath  i set out jammies for Mike to put on him. Ryder always seems to have the hardest time with Mike after bath time, and screams and fights him. but whenever i give him a bath, the way i do it, he doesn't do any of that stuff. they came downstairs and Ryder didn't have his pjs on. and when i asked Mike why not, he just said, "Ryder was fighting me and wouldn't let me." i stared at him. you're going to let a 20 lb one year old "fight" you, so you don't put clothes on him? are you serious? so i went and grabbed them and put them on him myself. yes, he struggled a little and got mad because he wanted to go run around. but why in the hell would i let a few second fuss session stop me from doing something he needs? tonight, he almost did the same, because Ryder was tired and didn't want pants on. i told Mike that he really needed to be the parent. all this talk of discipline and "oh, i won't let my kids push me around, act like that, treat people like that." is a joke. a very, very sad one.

tonight made me blow up, completely. mollie and scout have been getting out of the gate for well over a month now. the way our patio is set up, you have to blockade the bottom of the wall and the gate. we bought bricks when we moved in here, and chicken wire for the gate. we lost holly right after Ryder was born, and Mike was gone because she too, kept getting out. he has yet to fix it, at all. mollie is small enough to fit through the hole in the bricks. and from Indy jumping on the gate, he tore a hole in the chicken wire that scout fits out of. and, as i said, this has been going on for a long time now. within a few minutes of letting them out to eat and go to the bathroom, i have to go chase them down. i grew tired of that rather quickly. they stay around our area but the run around barking their heads off. they always come back which, sometimes, i wish that they didn't. but, Indy seeing them outside running around, makes him antsy and want to get out and run too, so, he barks. all day long, i hear barking. and jumping, and yipping, and it's really, really frustrating. and they can not making it through the night without pooping or peeing in their cage. i don't have the energy to wake up extra early to let them out, and not be able to go back to sleep because i have to chase them while they're barking. i should be able to let them outside, go back to sleep, and let them in when i wake up. but i can't do that. so, i wake up to the smell of dog shit, almost every morning. Mike's responsibility is the dog cages and the poop outside. which, goes months without being done. instead of cleaning one or two cages every few days if they poop, he just throws all three of them into indy's big cage. which then, gets pooped and peed in by the small dogs. so instead of having to clean one, maybe two of them, since scout is worse with his pooping in his cage, he has to clean three cages. that he doesn't do until the weekend. so, i have an entire week os smelling constant dog shit, in my house. after a few days i suck it up and do it myself but how is that even fair?! it's disgusting. after last week i told him i wanted him to take them to shelter. i couldn't take it anymore. and he told me that "they were my dogs, i wanted them, so i had to deal with them in whatever way they come." and that really, really made me angry. i shouldn't have to be knee deep in dog shit and chasing dogs around outside with a one year old in the house. he has no responsibility. do i have to remind everyone of the fucking piece of shit car that has been sitting in front of my house for over a year and hasn't moved?! yeah, yeah, that's what i thought.

anyway, he fell asleep in Ryders crib tonight while i was reading my schoolwork. and scout got out and was running around barking for half an hour straight. i lost my temper. i went into my sons room and slapped Mike to wake up and told him he needed to go chase scout down and lock them up before i lost my mind. he does, he lets them in, as i'm calling my mom, comes upstairs and lays in bed. clearly, telling me to have my conversation elsewhere.
i go downstairs and see the box that i asked him to take upstairs and put in Lyvi's room. then i hear indy snap at mollie and realized that they're all, once again, in the same cage. that Mike did not clean out scouts cage like i asked him to. i walked into the kitchen to dump his half glass of milk in the sink and throw his popcorn bag away, to see that there was a full bag of trash in the trash can, meaning he did not take the trash out to the street like i asked him to. i.cannot.stand.him.
if i wanted to do everything on my own, i wouldnt have gotten married in the first place. here, Mike expects me to compromise and allow his mother here, in my home, when he ignores me and doesn't do anything i ask him to. sure, he might clean this weekend, but why does he get the privilege to not do anything during the week? especially since i ask him to do these things. why can he never take initiative  and get something done without being told to? then i realized our cable/internet bill was due on the 26th. i rarely forget bills but with dealing with EVERYTHING else, it slipped my mind. and clearly his too. he can't even help me out by remembering one little thing for me. its getting the best of me and i have been trying to stay clam all week, all last week too. i spent all day monday on my hands and knees like cinderella disinfecting all the bathrooms from the virus Mike brought into my house. including cleaning his shit off the toilet seat, because he never did. and when he came home, he didn't even notice. just said i "started" on the bedroom. thats when i called it quits for the week. why do anything when nothing is ever appreciated? when your husband goes to bed when your son does and you barely even talk. i can not do this much longer.

i have been wanting to go mini golfing, or do ANY sort of outing since Mike got back. we havent done anything fun, at all, since before Deployment.. that he left for, over a year ago. so this weekend, i, myself, once again, planned a picnic and mini golf date since he has a 72 this weekend. i was making stuff for the basket when he came home and wanted to shower. well, i have been wanting egg salad sandwhiches. it brings me back to home. every summer my mom, dad, siblings, and i would go on a road trip for tumbling and my mom would always make egg salad. i haven't had it in years, so i decided to make it. Mike said he hated eggs, but i asked him to at least try a bite and if he didn't like it, okay. he took a bite of it, ran to the garbage can and spit it out and said he almost threw up. and asked where the mouthwash was. i think, that is one of the biggest housewife slaps in the face, ever. i don't think he understood how badly that cut into my skin. it's okay to not like something, but don't make a childish production of it and ask for the mouthwash. that was extremely uncalled for, absolutely. not to mention he ate the other half of the cucumber i put in the pasta salad and said it didn't taste right and threw it away. after tonight, i'm not doing it. i planned this nice little thing for us and he was nothing but a dick to me. it was all my plan in the first place, when i have been wanting him to wake up and tell me to get ready and lets go.. somewhere. anywhere, anywhere nice. so, i plan to just roll around with my kiddo all day tomorrow and ignore him. there isn't a point in trying to make a nice day out of it, pushing my feelings aside once again, and let it go...

i'm just, really overwhelmed and he always, always makes it worse. just once, i want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay. that all this, will eventually be with it. well, i do know that it will be worth it. because in the end, the end of next year, if i am still on my own, i'm going to make it that way. the things i ask aren't anything to cause a fight over, by you not doing. i do a lot, and it's hard. but at the end of the day i do know how strong i am. and that i am taking care of my children. and that i will never ever stop taking care of them. i told him that by the beginning of the year, if he has no plan when he gets out of the marine corps, and we don't have as much as i want to saved up, and he doesn't have some sort of job in mind, and in the works, that he has to re enlist and i am taking the children back to indiana to get on our feet. as it is, i am 23 years old with two children and having to figure out a place to live on my own because Mike chooses not to discuss it, when he doesn't understand how close next November really is. if it was just him and i, whatever. i can live on ramen noodles and hotdogs, and live in a run down place. but i have children to think about. they are all that i think about. and they are what give me strength.

being a parent is the best choice i have ever made. i am happy that i made the choice that i did with Billy, because, as much as i would have made ends meet, i wasn't stable enough within myself to raise a child on my own. i did not have the right mind set. after having Ryder and going through what i did for the first six months of his life, i knew what it was like to be on my own with my son. i have the mentality and the maturity to make it work on my own if i had to. i always have a backup plan in the back of my head if i had to walk away. and i believe that all moms should as well. no matter how well the marriage is going, how hunky dory, or whatever fairy tale life you live in. you have to have an escape for you and your children. not even if it turns abusive. even just in my situation where i am not getting what i need to. and i know now, that even with two children, i can do it. with or without him. i don't think these past few weeks have been fair to me, whatsoever. i don't think that the weight of the world should constantly fall on my shoulders. when you get married, that husband you say "i do" to, should want to take some of that weight and give you a little breathing room in life. i do not have that. and i know that my own mother did not have that either. she told me that, she made it through. and yes, she did. and she did so well with her children. but, i look back on my childhood and i remember always wondering why dad never took me to school, or why mom always bought us gifts and played it off that dad did, or if he forgot our birthdays, she would make up an excuse for him. watching my mothers marriage, i know that it made her stronger. raising three children and making it all, somehow, work out. but it tore us apart. we had a piece of our lives missing because my father didn't choose to be around, or be involved. i can not recall the last time i heard my father tell me that he loved me, other than when i was out of high school and things between us changed. i have very little memories of my father. even when he worked from home, there's still a huge gap where that man is suppose to be. i don't want that for Ryder and Lyvia. even though Ryder won't remember now, i do. i will always remember. i can not unforget the fact that i have to remind him to change Ryders diaper, i can't unremember the carelessness that Mike has shown in the last two weeks, and him going against what i asked him to do, and not to do, with my child. i am so tired of people giving him the excuse of his bad parents and not knowing any better. i would think he would be a better man than that.

when i got pregnant, i had no idea what to expect with having a baby. having a little thing attached to you 24/7. little sleep, no time to eat. running here, there, everywhere. crying, temper tantrums, the works. i had no idea what i was getting into. but i grew up. and there isn't a moment of my day that i regret having my son, and my daughter on the way. i don't care how many hours of sleep i lose, or how many cold meals, i don't mind rarely getting out of the house, and "missing out" on things girls my age are doing. i would much rather tuck my son into bed at 9PM, calm him down, hold him until his eyes close. get a few hours sleep and do it all over again. there are days i can't remember when i last washed my hair, or what i ate last. i get random cartoon tunes and toy tunes stuck in my head on a daily basis. whether my child is fussy or happy, or throwing a little fit, there is nowhere in this world that i would rather be. being a parent, is all about putting yourself, after the lives you have created. taking a shower after they fall asleep. not being able to watch your tv show in quiet, or missing it completely because your baby had a meltdown. it's about not getting to relax until after midnight, on some nights, and waking up at 7 to a screaming child because his leg got stuck in between his crib bars, for the second time that night. it's about washing umpteen (<- thats a real word!? really? there is no red dots underneath of it telling me it is spelt wrong, hell yes!) loads of laundry and crib sheets, somethings washing the same things twice in one day. i would never chance any part of my life for Ryder, or Lyvia. and though i know that raising children 15 months apart with come as a challenge, often, i have no doubts about myself. and i know that i can do it on my own. i know that i am capable of that. i have more love in my son than most people do, in anything in their lives.
but i would either like help, from my husband, or not to have a husband around at all. i have thought a lot since he has gotten back that things were actually easier with him gone. i get excited for weeks in the field because i can do my thing with my son and not have him going against that. something has got to give because it's about to get more difficult. and if there is one thing Deployment taught me, it's who i am and what i will never stand for.

i have seriously thought about canceling his mothers trip. and not because i don't like the broad, which, we all know that i don't. but, i don't understand how it's fair at all. how my feelings are getting walked on and he isn't being sensitive about it at all. its me, compromising my feelings, being uncomfortable in my own home, and sucking it up to a woman that has never respected me, when i don't get jack. he hasn't even let her know that there is no air mattress to be brought, when i decided this a few days ago. the man i thought was completely on my side, seems to be getting farther and farther away from it now.  if his mom and him got along great and were close, i could understand a lot better why he is acting this way. but he can't stand her. every time i bring her up he makes fat jokes about her, he's cruel and mean. and he's going to bring her into my home, knowing i do not like her. i just don't understand why he is acting this way now that she bought her plane ticket. does he not understand that if things do not go as i want them to, that i am going to make her wish she never came here in the first place? that i will spend my days with my son elsewhere and he can sit and deal with her? he knows how i feel about all of this and i was the nice guy and am allowing it to happen. and that is the end of discussion with him.

just once, i would like for my husband to make it easier on me and not harder.
i need him to be here for me, and to be here for Ryder too.
i just have no idea what to do at this point.
thankfully, i know i am never alone. i have my world in my hands; my two children.
i am nothing without them. <3

-ks.

forty six.

so overwhelmed.
my positive attitude about my monster in law coming to visit is taking a turn for the worst. trust me, i've really tried. i was already irritated at the fact that she is coming in 3 weeks and she had yet to let us know any flight plans, and hadn't talked to Mike in 2 weeks. if you're coming to stay with us, don't you think you need to coordinate things with us, and talk to us? not to mention the nice email i sent to her went unreplied. well, i made Mike call her this weekend, and she hasn't booked yet. he had to change his leave because he was going to the field, which, made this even MORE stressful. here he was going to be in the field for 5 days, and come back, when his mother was already here. leaving me to clean up the house, get groceries for all of us, AND entertain the broad until he got back. even for a few hours, thats too much to ask! so he's going to be gone all week, come home, and have her here for a week, is that not just a tad too much?! for now, he isn't going, but i doubt that will ease anything in the situation.
tonight she called to say she was going to fly saturday, instead of friday. we thought she meant TO here. Saturday is the day that we are going to the zoo, and i will not let her fuck that up. so, my anger escalated.  this is my sons first birthday weekend, when i want to leave the house, we're leaving. whether you're flying or whatever. this isn't about her, this is about the nice weekend i am planning for my son. thankfully, Mike had my back and said it was up to me, and she couldn't come any earlier because i have a life and make plans with my friends. well, she was meaning leaving. so, she's leaving on saturday, not friday. she's going to be here 8 fucking days. 8 days! after that first weekend, we have no plans. theres nothing to do here. and i don't want to sit there and listen to her bitch for 8 days. then she starts talking about his sister, throwing parties while she's gone and what have you. who cares?! if you're going to sit in my house and worry or moan about it, don't come! seriously. not to mention, she wants to stay in our spare bedroom with an air mattress because our "couches hurt her back" really? really?! our spare bedroom, you can barely open the door. with all Mikes gear and the baby things, yes, that we will get to when we have time. no, you can not stay in there. so Mike said she could put it in the living room. is she going to deflate it every morning?! i know how big those things are and i do not need that taking up my entire living room, when i've made this house into a home. so, it falls on me to, not only clean the house top to bottom, take care of a child, get things ready for someone i can't stand to be around, now i have to bust my balls to get that room in order so that fat cow isn't in my living room for EIGHT DAYS! how lovely, right? as if, once again, i don't have enough of my plate.
i asked Mike why she was talking about Tiffany and he asked why the hell i cared. i blew up then and told him i was done. i already don't like any of this and here he is, being a complete dick about it. this is my house, and my rules. i'm not ready, nor so i have time or energy to dig through our spare bedroom. she doesn't get what she wants, when do i ever?! she either stays in a fucking hotel, or sleeps on my couch. this isn't a vacation honey, you're here to meet my son. and if i have it my way, i won't be home with him too much. i'm going to carry on my normal life while she's here and her and her son can chill while my son and i do what we normally do, especially going to lunch and hanging out with Monique. i refuse to let Mike have Ryder alone with that woman, i already have to remind him enough to change his diaper while i'm around since he doesn't do it automatically, and he already disregards my parenting skills enough. i'm not dumb.  and he's my child and during a normal day, he goes everywhere with me, that won't change, at all.
i shouldnt have to be this stressed out to have a visitor, even if it is someone that i don't like. when my parents came they came, to see me and my son and to help me out. they drove everywhere, they paid for groceries, my mom and i stayed up late to clean up the house, and to drink wine coolers and goof off. we had things to talk about. we had heart to hearts, even my dad and i. they were here completely for me. my dad didn't complain about traffic, or plane tickets, or anything else that Trish already has. they were perfectly fine with sleeping on my couches, they let me take naps if i needed it, they helped with Ryder. it was a little break from life for me. and this, this is already hell and i don't see it getting much better. and now i'm starting to feel like Mike isn't even on my side with what i want. i already told him, before all this, what i say, goes. and when i told him that she needs to stay in a hotel, he told me no. really? so i told him, i will make that week hell if i have to, or he can enjoy a lot of alone time with his mom. i have places i can go, things i can do, and stay overnight. if i dont feel like being here, i won't be and neither will my son. and i won't be keeping my mouth shut. last time i was so upset and hurt that i hid in my bedroom for 3 days. i won't be doing that anymore. you better believe giving birth on my own and raising a baby alone for six months gave me some fucking balls. i can't wait until she tries to bring up Mikes old friends. there is going to be hell in the Nelson household. its just so infuriated that i'm feeling this way, right about the same time as my sons first birthday. i shouldnt have to feel this way. again.

and yesterday was such a good day for us too. it just isn't fair, i wish she didn't even exist. and i have tried so hard to just get over it. and now i feel like Mike is slipping from my grip on all of this too. and i will remove my son and myself from this situation so it's not a repeat of last year. i just want this over with, but this will really show how strong our marriage is and how far we have come. so after she leaves, i get to make an even bigger decision for the kids and i. he knew we hated one another when we got married, so if that was going to be an issue he shouldnt have married be, or started a family with me. she ought to know her place with my husband, she wasnt even told we were getting married, she wasnt even invited to our wedding. come on now. you better watch your step lady!

i guess i can't complain too much yet, i dont know how it will all go down. maybe she grew a brain, and maybe he grew some balls. i can only hope! but until then i'm not doing everything myself. and i will have multiple backup plans, and i wont be sitting around doing nothing all week. and i wont make plans with her either, this is Mikes doing. i wouldnt expect him to do everything for my parents visit. so i'm going to sit on my ass, and try not to give a fuck that it's my house and it isn't the way i want it to be. i know where i stand and this is my home and no one will take that away from me. i don't care who you are. i just want to crawl into a hole with my little boy and shelter him for as long as i can. i have my fingers crossed that i wont be doing this on my own. why does she have to suck so incredibly, extremely bad? and i hope Mike can see this even more when she comes and just never want anything to do with her again.

breathe kimmy, breathe. it's one week, and you won't have to deal with her for another year and a half. i can do this, i got this. i have the reigns, i have the baby, i make the rules. no more give and take, when nothing is given back. i can do this. i hope.

-ks