forty eight.

it makes me sad.
that, last Easter, i brought my brand new baby son home with me. it was the first night him and i snuggled in my bed together, the first night i got to wake up completely alone to feed and change him. it was the most emotional night i have ever been through. especially since i was alone. but being with him, that night, just him and i. made me realize that i didn't need anyone else. that life was so precious and small that it fit in the palm of my hand. my beautiful little boy. that night proved to me that i could do anything in this world, no matter what. as long as i had him by my side.
becoming a mom made me realize more in life than i could ever imagine. it made me closer to my own mother, but it tore me apart from the rest of my family. it still kills me, that stupid question, "when are you coming to visit indiana?" my family and i will not be back in indiana until we move back, next November. but that won't be making much of a difference. i have watched "family" not give a damn about me or my children, no congratulations, not asking how we're doing, nothing. i honestly thought maybe getting married and having babies would make my sister realize i wasn't her baby sister anymore, that i was a grown woman. that all the people that thought i have made so many mistakes in my life, would open their eyes to the person i really was. and it didn't. i am still just as invisible as i was before i ever got married, or had my son, or will have my daughter. and to be asked when i'm visiting, infuriates me.
when are YOU visiting? when are you coming to California to meet my children, where were you when i delivered my son on my own, recovered from a cesarean section, and handled the first six months so completely and utterly alone? where was even a phone call to ask how i am doing? i didn't get any of that, from anyone. my sister, especially. her and i were beginning to get close when i got married, and right before i left. we text messaged all the way to California and as soon as i got here, it was like i barely existed. her and my brother will not meet Ryder until he is 2 and a half years old, and Lyvia is 15 months. because no one cares. and i think i'm starting to prefer it that way.
i can honestly say that i do not regret moving out here. i don't regret having to do it on my own. being "alone" made me realize how un alone i really was. i will always have my son and daughter, and husband. no matter where he is in this world.
as much as i hate my mother in law and want her nowhere near my home or son, i have to admit. i give her a lot of credit for actually coming out here. twice, actually. i am still unsure of any reason, or how it will go, and i know i won't like it regardless. but she cares enough about someone or something to fly out here to visit. to take time off work and leave Tiffany the house for a week to be out here with her first born and his son. it says a lot more than anyone in my family. other than my mom of course. my sister drove to and from Colorado for my cousins wedding, she's flown to Disney in Florida, twice. and flown to New York, all for pleasure. and she has never once said how she would like to come meet my son. or my daughter. or anything of the sort. i deleted her off of my Facebook so she would have to ask for information. and her and my mom don't talk often anymore, so she barely knows anything about my son. i texted her last week about baby gates, she answered my question and left it at that. my brother, is a whole other story. i deleted a lot of family members from my page as well, and felt guilty and added them back not too long ago. no messages, no comments, nothing.

it's like i never even existed.

it all just makes me ill. my mom asked me today if i wished i was in indiana like we had planned to be. and i had to tell her honestly. no, i didn't. not once since i moved out here have i felt left out about not being home for a holiday with my husband and son. what is the point? so i can waste my day with people i can't stand, people that don't care about my life or know anything about it? people that sit back and judge me constantly? watch the manipulation between family members and watch my mom get walked on by her sister? the last time i saw Sandy i told her how i felt about her and walked 15 miles home. i don't ever plan to see her again. or any single person on my moms side of the family anymore. the important ones are gone from our lives. the people i know that would care, so, so very much about my children. it breaks my heart that my guardians, i feel more present, than the people that are alive. i can not get over how it all makes me feel.

there are so many times in one week when i think about the move, that i do not want to go back to indiana. if it wasn't for my mom, i wouldn't ever set foot back in that state. Mike and i already know things won't be much different than they are now. i'll see my mom more, we might see his. if his sister stops being a skank, we will more than likely see her more often. but other than that, i don't see how it's going to be any different. i still, won't exist. my children still, won't exist. no one will come over, we won't host holiday dinners at our house, there isn't a point. even my dads side of the family is slipping. i have always looked up to all of them, they never judged me. but they're also not there at all either.

you find out who deserves to be in your life when you need them the most. the days i started needing everyone was over a year ago. they weren't there then. they're not there now.

its really hard. i know a lot of people wonder why Mike and i fight so much, and then fight so much to make it work. other than the fact that we obviously love one another and can't see it working out with anyone else. it's also the fact that, we're all each other has anymore. we have our little family of four. and we are going to teach them as they grow up, that the four of us stick together, and we are all we really need. i am so tired of letting people into our lives that so carelessly walk out, or don't care about any one of us. my husband went to war, and missed the birth of his first born. i went through it all on my own at the age of 22. my cousin karen was a young mom, with no baby daddy around. everyone helped her make it through. my little cousin passed away because his parents were too careless to keep an eye on him. he drown in their pool, with four adults in the house. as terrible a tragedy it was, people care more about him and his death, than knowing anything about my children. they throw a celebration every year for him... for a careless, stupid, ignorant mistake! when there was a big scandal with my other cousins wife, the family helped him. no matter what hard time they went through, there was always someone there. i have had no one. ever.

i still can not let go of the fact that my entire family went to Disney and didn't even tell me until a few weeks before. i wasn't invited, i wasn't thought about, no one cared. they didn't like some of the choices i have made in my life at that time, so they shoved me aside. this was almost 3 years ago and the sting of the pain is still so great. i had never felt more alone than i did then. and that's when Mike and i met and he made me feel wanted. and needed. he didn't forget about me. he included me in his life, his decisions, everything. he took my hand when i felt most alone and showed me i was anything but.
just like his son did last April.
my husband left for 6 months in the most difficult and terrifying times in my life and yet, the only thing that was really missing was an extra set of hands and a few more hours of sleep. as much as we argue and he hurts my feelings, he has never hurt me as bad as every single living soul i am suppose to call "family" has, back in indiana. even Trish has hurt me, and maybe, just maybe, this trip will make the world of difference between the two of us. she's doing more than anyone else i know.

oh, i have no idea why i am getting into this. i guess i am just tired of being asked by people i never talk to, that said they would be there for me, when i am coming to see them. when them coming to meet my son and daughter would be easier than uprooting two babies, three dogs, fighting for a longer leave time, driving 5 days there, staying a few days, with them more than likely not even seeing us, just to drive 5 days back. that a simple message would be nice here and there, so see how i am doing. they know nothing about my life and i have had enough of it.

my children are so beautiful, even if i have not yet met my daughter. seeing Ryder's smile light up the room, how in love with life he is, and all the little things. i can not promise them more than i can right now that the pain i have felt with family, the pain their father has felt from their family, will never be felt, ever. i was so dead against Trish coming and i am still not happy, but she cares enough to fly out here again, even after last time, to meet our son. i have to keep that in mind. and my mom. she knows almost everything that happens in my son's life, and i know she would trade anything just to get here and spend time with him. i just wish she saw how badly i have been hurt, and how none of this is my fault. she tells me that once i move back i can reconnect with my siblings. but why? when i haven't done anything but do things they wish i hadn't. it's also a jealous factor that i am in love with my husband and my family and my sister is surrounded by "what ifs." my children are too good for those people. they always will be.

i never know how lucky i am until one of my friends points it out. like one of them did the other day. she told me that i'm "living the dream." and it always makes me sit back and think that, i really am.  i have one amazing little boy. he has always been healthy, and happy. always, always happy with a smile on hi face. he is walking all over the house and giggled when he falls. he thinks the silliest things are hilarious. he has changed my life so much, there is no way i could live one single moment without him. we are blessed to be expecting another baby, a daughter even more so, at such a young age. we are both able to grow with our children, and live a long happy life together. i am so happy that i was healthy enough to get pregnant again so soon, and that Lyvi is growing so well in my womb. there are days i worry that, having rushed, she will come out different than her brother, but i know that no matter what, she will be absolutely beautiful, in her very own sort of way. and we are all lucky that my husband will be here for the birth, and get to catch up on all he missed with his son. i am lucky enough to have a faithful husband. i hear so many women devastated by things i do not think i will ever have to get through. that i trust him completely and even on our hardest days, there are only two women for him. his wife and our daughter. and despite his stubborn ness and me wanting to punch him sometimes, he usually always makes up for it in a day or two. and no matter what, he is always there to kiss me goodnight, and tell me he loves me in the morning. and i am extremely lucky to have held onto the relationship with my mom as i have, her being so far away. talking everyday, multiple times a day like we do, sure makes it feel like she's here with me, or i, there with her. we see each other once a year and that's nuts, but it doesn't feel nearly as long because of the closeness we share with one another. i am lucky enough to always have her by my side. sometimes my stomach drops at the thought that one day, i won't be able to pick up the phone and call her about the funny thing Ryder just did, or tell her what i'm cooking for dinner, or call her after a good book hunt to read the descriptions of them. it kills me, every time. and i know that i have to make the most of every single day with her. her and i both know that time is too short. and i am lucky enough that, every time i hang up on her, she always calls back. and at the end of the day, she will always be my best friend. ups and downs and all.

and my little family is so blessed to have three such beautiful women watching over us every night. i have been thinking lately about how i wished my grammy was still alive. she always called me "brat baby" when i was growing up and i call Ryder that now. she always encouraged me to write, write what i know. and when i write these posts, i think about her often. i might not have been published like she said i could always do, but i write whenever i get the chance. she knew me through some really hard times in my life. and i am so glad she didn't have to be here through Billy and watch me deteriorate at the seams. but i know she sees me now, watches me every single day. and i know, from the bottom of my heart, that she would be proud of who i have become. as a woman and a mother. there were so many times i know that i had let her down, and been a person i shouldn't have been. but i can't go back, and i wish i could. all the time. to be a little more patient, listen just a little bit longer, hug her just a little bit tighter. and tell her how much i looked up to her, every day of my life. i wish i could have just one more minute with her, to look her in the eye and ask her, if i have made her proud. i wish she could meet my husband, watch Ryder walk, hear Lyvia's cry. i want to tell her all about my dreams for my children, my babies so full of life. and to say that i hope i can love them as much as she loved all her daughters. i know that, no matter how many times i have let her down, that those days are over. and that she's still here with me, all the time. and that i am never, ever alone.

-ks.