fifty.

i'm going to do what's best.
for my beautiful babies and myself.
i feel so good about myself. yesterday i went and started a savings account at Chase for our house when we move next year. i'm going to have to get over the fact that i will basically be saving on my own, and making plans by myself at this point, seeing that is it rarely discussed. nothing really is anymore. but i have come to realize that clearly, i can handle everything on my own just fine. but, it really felt good, and it's only in my name. Mike knows about it, but knowing that even though he makes the money, the fact that i will be handling how and when and how much to save, and only me, makes me feel like i'm doing more for my little family. i still have no idea how everything is going to go with the move, finding a house, and getting settled. at this point i am dubbing it the most difficult time in our lives and leaving it at that. it will fall into place when it does, there isn't a point to thinking too far into it now. but i know now is the time to start taking things just a little bit more serious. in less than four months i will be a mother of two. that's exciting and scary at the same time, and honestly, i can't really believe it. we have everything we need for our daughter but it's currently just thrown in our spare room, the one his mother wants to sleep in. good luck.

i'm still feeling bitter about next weekend. i am getting upset because my son, my little baby, is turning one. Mike doesn't seem to want to help out at all around here, and i refuse to let it all fall on me like it usually does, when it's his mother, plans still aren't set for the zoo and who is going and i am about to say screw it, and again, he hasn't even talked to his mother for two weeks. he decided to tell me today that on one of the days she is here, he will have to go to work half day. awesome, so it's up to me to occupy this woman. it's getting to be too much. i would never expect Mike to have to do this when my parents visit, and they get along just fine! he's going to be staying late at work all week because people are in the field, so there is no time for us. not like there ever is, since he goes to bed so early. and even today people from the shop were calling him all morning for stupid shit, when we're trying to spend time as a damn family. i am completely over this bullshit marine corps and i never want to have to deal with it ever, ever again. this egotistical stupid, childish, high school "i'm better than you" game, i have absolutely no respect. it's just too much for me to want to handle right now. i'm just getting irritated at the fact that i get to clean house and be nice, for a trip that should not be 8 days long. who in their right mind visits that long at random? what the hell is there to eve do? gosh, i just pray it all passes by rather quickly and i can be done with it. i just wish Mike would make me feel better about it all and kiss my butt a little this week. he has no idea what this is like for me. guh, i just want to scream.

in the last week i have been slapped with the past and Mike's friends. two of them messaged me and asked about Mike and life, yadda yadda. one, i never really had an issue with. it really bothered me only at the fact that i was counting on him to come see Mike before Deployment and he completely bailed. he might not like me but to my knowledge he has never disrespected me, or at least, too much. and the other told Mike that he hoped i died during MOS school. they both want to meet my son. i don't think i can let that happen. i am trying to burn so many bridges and let so many things go and i simply can not. it just isn't possible for me. even Tiffany was talking to Mike like nothing ever went on. but i am proud of his responses to her at least. i looked on her Facebook and was disgusted even more. it was her 21st birthday yesterday. she even made a status saying she was thinking of becoming a stripper to pay for a trip to california and florida. i just can not believe who she is becoming! and my mom brought up the point to me that Monique and i are extremely close, and yet, Mo is younger than my sister in law. and she's right. if Tiffany was a better person, had any sort of morals, and actually cared about anyone but herself, she would be a great person to have in my childrens life. as it is, they already don't have much family to call their own other than mommy, daddy, each other, and mimi and pops. it just, it's just astounding the things i have to deal with. and it makes me wonder sometimes, why i even married Mike in the first place.

however, i have amazing people in my life from Mikes past as well. oddly, they are both Stephs. lol. it made me feel amazing when Mike's old neighbor recently sent Ryder a birthday present for him. her and i have never met and it just means so much to me how much she cares about my little family. she is always telling me how good i am for Mike and she is happy that he found me. she knows the jist of the drama i went through and she knows Trish and Tiff, and she understands a lot more than most people. and just the fact that she is on our side, lifts me up so much. and Stephanie as well, she hung around the group and knew every little particle of drama and crap i went through. and she told me the other day that she understood now why i did, the things that i did. how everyone said i controlled Mike but Jon is even worse with his girlfriend. and the fact that i did what i felt best for my family and to this day, i know that the changes that have been made were exactly that, for my family. and those changes have helped us grow so much. but for someone that was there and witnessed it all first hand, telling me that she was proud of me for making it work, melts my heart completely.

:sighs:  it's just that everyday, i am changing. who i am as myself, as a mother, and who i am in this world. and the past few weeks i feel like Mike can't keep up. every so often i feel like we're a team but most days he comes home, ignores me, plays with Ryder, then goes to bed. i have been having an issue with my son and my husband as well. Ryder rarely fusses, he never gets cranky unless he's tired or hungry. lately whenever Mike is home, especially if i am upstairs doing something else, he can not contain my sons happiness. if i lay down for a nap i barely sleep because my son is downstairs crying or whining, which he never, absolutely never does for me. whenever Mike lays him down for a nap or bed, Ryder gets so worked up. the same with diaper changes, he throws a fit! and he hasn't been wanting to eat dinner that Mike makes. he still plays with Mike the same, but it's short lived, and then he goes off and plays by himself. it's so... strange. maybe because i have been irritated with Mike, especially when it comes to Ryder. like this morning i slept in and went downstairs and saw Ryder had a soggy diaper. i asked Mike to change it while i grabbed something to eat and he was doing something on his phone. whenever i ask him to do something for our child and he doesn't do it right away, i get so irritated, since i am always on top of it while he is at work. so, i ended up not eating, so that i could change my sons diaper. it's getting more and more frequent, these little irritations. and it scares me because, i'm going to have my hands beyond full with two babies. while i change one of them, will the other have to wait when his/her dad is home for mom to get done changing one butt, to change the other? it just frustrates me, a lot. on the weekends when i can sleep in, take a nap, or study, it's always screwed up by Mike. also during the nap, Mollie got out, again, so i heard her running around barking and had to yell for Mike to go get her. and while i was doing my homework earlier i asked him to stay up with me, while he whined he was tired, kept farting, and thought it was funny to shut my laptop. bills are behind because he needs to take responsibility to help out and remember to pay something, help out somewhere... and it's just getting to be more than i would like to be dealing with. i had honestly hoped that he would go to the field this coming week so i could have my own time. and not have to deal with a crabby assed child for no reason. i know, i know. this is life. a part of marriage, part of being a family. i know that he helps out a lot more than a lot of guys out there, he provides for us, yadda yadda. but the fact that this next weekend and following week are going to annoy me enough, the fact that he's starting this crap now, makes me even more agitated.

oh how i need a day to just relax and not have to worry about one thing or anything. or handle things on my own. or have a husband that actually wants to stay up late and give me a hand or just.. i don't know. sit? lay with me and talk about nothing? i am hoping he just needed a day to not do anything, and that tomorrow he will get done what he needs to get done around here, and not throw the "i'm tired" card at me when i get far less sleep than he does. its just too much stress than i feel like dealing with lately and i am hoping after his mom leaves, things will be a lot less tense in our household.

regardless, i am enjoying the time i am having with my son while he's crabby at daddy. the BEST feeling is him walking up to me with his two teethed grin and throws his arms around my neck and just lays his head on my shoulder. or when he wakes up in the morning and i go to lay with him for a few minutes and he babbles all about his dreams. last night he was fussing a little, i thought he might want a bottle since he didnt want his dinner. i walked into his room and he smiled at me. i pulled him out of his crib to change his diaper and put lotion on him and he just talked to me, smiling. he grabbed his binkie and i laid him back down and he snuggled under his blankie and fell back to sleep. like, he just wanted to make sure mommy was still there for him, and he could go back to sleep in peace. i just love watching him grow and learn everyday. we bought laundry detergent today and he kept pulling the plastic cap off one part of it, and putting it back on where it belonged. he was being silly and crawling around all sideways today, and walking in circles like a nut. he knows what things are now, and where they go, and he's so interested to learn everything about this world. he's been saying "mama" a lot more and it just makes me melt. and he babbles from the time he wakes up until he falls asleep at night, just nonsense, but i love every word of it. i just love to sit and watch him do everything. and before bed he sat in my lap and laid back and watched a baby Einstein video with me, and i was just in heaven. even though my sweet baby boy is growing up, doesn't mean he is outgrowing his mommy as i had feared. he is just growing more so mommy can love him more. and i do, i fall in love with him every single day, all over again, multiple times. i wouldn't change having my son for anything in the entire world. and i am so lucky that he is mine. he makes everything make sense, and every hard, stressful, difficult time, a lot more enjoyous, all with that little perfect smile and laugh of his. <3

-ks.