fifty three.

my beautiful little boy.
today, you turned one year old. i got to fall asleep with you last night, shed tears on your head like i have done from time to time over the last year when i needed you the most. when you woke up i walked into your room and sang you happy birthday. i got to watch you walk around the house, chase balloons, be silly, smash a cake with your hand, and your foot, and mommy helped you blow out your first candle. my big little birthday boy. today, was amazing. but i never stopped to tell you, how amazing this last year has been.
when i found out that you were a boy instead of a girl, i had no idea what to do. i didn't know how to raise a son! little did i know, taking care of and loving you, was the easiest thing i have ever done. the moment you were placed in my arms i knew i had finally, finally, gotten something right in my life. you were perfect, all seven pounds and seven ounces of you. people that say they don't believe in love at first sight, has never had their own newborn lain across their chest. in that moment, you were mine. and i, i was yours. i vowed to protect you against everything in this world, and love you as much as i could. i slept with you wrapped in my arms that first night, and every single night until you were six months old. waking up to those beautiful blue eyes every morning, makes the day start out so simply precious.

you have given me hope for the future, my darling son. a light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to, every passing second of the day. i live for your smiles and your laughs, your silly little "dance moves" and quirks you're starting to get. i smile at the scent of your sweet sweaty head after a long nap. i love the way you fall down when you're walking and stand right back up, never letting the world get you down. your spirit, is one of the happiest i have ever seen in all my life. the fact that you are so happy to be alive, warms every particle of my being. you make me want to be a better person, you make me strong, and give me courage to get through anything. after all, you were all i had for the first six months of your life. if it wasn't for you being everything that you are, i would have crashed and burned. instead, i handled myself beautifully. all because i had you by my side. you are perfect, just the way you are.

i go into your room at night and i watch you sleep. that little smile that dances across your lips in your dreams and i wonder what you will be someday. a baseball player? a boy in the band? a Marine like your dad? i dream about these things, all day long. but i also dream of skinned up knees that i can kiss and make all better, the first time you learn to swim, or dress yourself, and tie your shoes. even though, those moments will break my heart because you won't need that part of mommy anymore i know that you can look back and understand that mommy will always be there if you need her. that, no matter who you become, i will always, always love you more than you can even imagine.

this past year has been filled with up all nighters, a few thousand diaper changes, learning to roll over, crawl, then walk. we have had bumps and bruises, baby and mommy meltdowns, together, or not. we have had tickle fights and food fights, fun at bath times and bed times. we have played at the park, gone to a concert, swimming in the pool, and dancing in the rain. bedtime stories, umpteen loads of laundry, and more road trips than we can count. but every smile, giggle, and babble of yours has made every difficult time more than worth every struggle. i love you, i love you so much.

i can not thank you enough for saving my life, Michael Ryder. for showing me how beautiful the world was, how innocent life was, and how strong and true love was. every piece of you and i will always fit together. you're my best friend, my strength and courage. you have changed my entire life. people say that when you have a baby, your life ends. and i strongly disagree. the moment i was handed you, my son, my entire life began. every little thing changed, and it has all been changed for the better. all because of a tiny blonde hair, blue eyed, little boy. that blows raspberries and toots in his sleep. <3 thank you, for everything.

My son is now, a year old. He walks completely, all the time. if he stumbles, he catches himself and stands back up. he has his two bottom teeth and is about to pop through his top two. he wears 12 month clothing, and weighs about 20 pounds. no more weight issues! he can drink out of a straw and has an obsession with soda cans, he loves pickles and well, basically anything you give him. he can give high five and wave bye bye when he wants to, which is usually when he is walking away from you, carrying something he stole from you. he likes when mommy blow dries her hair, he stands and watches her. no matter where he is downstairs, if he hears Mickey's hot dog song, he walks to the television and dances. he loves to dance. which is basically, side to side. he "sings" in the car. he can say mama, dada, baby, ryder, hi, ackie, and bye bye. most of them are completely audible. he squats to poop, and grunts. he loves bath time and reading his book in the tub like mommy, and he loves his toys. he likes the blocks that have things inside of them, and balls he can carry. he loves Mollie and plays with her and gives her loves. his lovins, are the best. he will wrap his arms around you and give you a big ole kiss, and when he's tired he lays his head on your leg and goes "Aww" he sleeps through the night, usually 9PM to 8AM. no more night terrors.  he is completely and utterly random and learns some weird new thing every single day. it's amazing and hilarious to watch him, there never is a dull moment. he knows where things go and he usually puts them there, or you will see something completely random in a totally random spot. he makes you smile, all the time. he loves life, every single bit of it. he sits backwards in the carts while shopping and usually throws things out of the cart as you're walking. he loves his dad and being chased around the house, he loves swinging at the park. he still sleeps with his butt in the air, and he drools when sleeping while riding in the car. he loves his stuffed animals and are constantly giving them kisses. he scares easily, and jumps when he gets scared, but he never cries. he has so much trust in everyone that i would hate to see him ever. ever lose it. his shoe size matches his diaper size. he loves jack and the neverland pirates but nothing beats baby einstein videos. he also steals my phone about half a million times a day. he's perfect, and beautiful.
and he's all mine.

i'll love you forever.
i'll like you for always.
as long as i'm living.
my baby you'll be.

Mommy loves you more than anything in this world baby boy. nothing can ever change my love for you. Happy First Birthday. <3

-ks