forty three.

this time one year ago.
all his bags were packed, but he wasn't ready to go.
we were standing there outside the door.
we both hated the thought os saying goodbye.
we drove to base in silence, clinging to one anothers hand. there were no words for what we were about to go through. my face was tear stained, our hearts heavy, it was the most cruel April Fools joke, in this world.
it was freezing, i was 37 weeks pregnant, and my husband was about to leave for Afghanistan. it didnt really hit us until the busses rolled up. they formed up and got in line, to leave his wife and unborn son for 7 long, long months.
Monique and i stayed there, until the buses left, crying.
thinking back on that night a year ago, i can not even begin to describe what i felt then, or what i feel now. i look back then and can not believe how much everything has changed between us. this time last year, i wanted to walk away from my marriage, i hated every part of life and had no idea how to survive on my own, in a house, with a newborn baby, on my own. i was terrified of what every day held for me while he was gone. i had no idea what to expect for the next 7 months. i barely had confidence in myself to leave the house, and i had no idea what to think of my husband that had just left, on top of millions of problems. i felt so helpless.
now, a year later, i have never had more confidence in myself. as a mother, and as a wife. not only do i have one very vivacious child, i have another beautiful little one on the way. i now enjoy every day instead of dread it. and i no longer think of walking away from my marriage. most of those millions of problems have been fixed and our marriage is so, so very much better. i smile, a lot more. and sitting here, in my living room, with my husband and Travis, with our son sleeping upstairs, i could not be more thankful. i know exactly who i am, i am thankful for my husband and our perfect little boy. i know that ups and downs will happen, and that i will get over it. as sure as the sun comes up in the morning and goes down again.
we talk more about our future now, when before he left, we didn't. we didn't even have a plan. and now, while driving in the truck listening to country music, we dream and talk about what we want, all the time. we enjoy our baby boy. we laugh a lot more than we use to, and our fights are a lot less. i really think Deployment helped us, a lot. it made us appreciate the little things. we got to fall in love again through emails, and Skype dates, just lying there staring at one another. even though things were difficult when he got home, things are pretty amazing now. i can honestly say that our marriage did not start until Homecoming night. and i am okay with that. all the hard times are nearly forgotten. and i am so happy we got a second chance at us.

i honestly can not believe how we hung on to each other, and our life together. and i think the biggest part of that, is because of Ryder. and i couldnt be happier with my perfect little family. ups, downs, and all arounds.

i love being able to look at my husband right now. even if he's playing a video game with Travis, sitting seriously like two feet from the television, haha. i like being able to run up and kiss him whenever i want to, and to have an extra set of hands around the house. i like snuggling, i missed that the most. i love the fact that our son is now walking, and his first real steps were right into his Daddys arms. and that we got to take picture of Ryder smashing a cupcake at the park today, together. and play with him, and catch him causing mischief, together. together, together, together. the most wonderful thing i can now say about life. <3

-ks.