forty two.

always left to pick up the pieces. 
words can not describe how i am feeling today. but i know that it will be another night that i do not allow Michael home. i am too hurt and upset to deal with him. once again he left me to deal with everything on my own. and once again i tell myself, what is the point in being married, being a team, when its always just me?
i told him last night that he needed to stay home another day. that he needed to made sure that happened. with Ryder throwing up and not having a good night, at all, i couldn't handle it all by myself. watching him like that killed me, it broke my heart. i was walking back and forth in the kitchen at almost 1 am, him screaming because he didn't feel good. he couldnt tell me what hurt or how to help. i was so upset. but i gave him some crackers and he went back to sleep fine. he hasn't thrown up since about 845 last night, so i think he's done with all that. he has a little bit of juice mixed with pedialyte and watching little einsteins.
last night, i was really convinced that i would be hit next. i was just waiting for it. i fitfully slept on the couch with a bucket right next to me in case i didn't make it to the bathroom. but sure enough, i hear Mike wake up and the sun was up, so i knew i had made it through the night. but that didn't mean anything.
Mike got ready for work and he kissed me on the forehead goodbye. he didn't say anything else. he didn't even ask how i felt, or apologize for leaving. nothing. he left the house s disaster, me still not feeling well, having to clean up his mess from yesterday. there are cracker crumbs all over the floor, i have to once again, chase dogs because he never fixed the holes in the gate. i have to lysol the house, do the dishes, and wash the bedding from our bed and Ryders. and he just, walked out on us. leaving me to fend for myself, with no words at all. this, was his fault. had he not been around, we wouldnt have been sick. my heart wouldnt have broken, seeing my baby like that. once again, only thinking of himself.what happens if i get sick today? he even said himself that he couldnt take care of a baby the way he was yesterday. not to mention, he took our truck, so what if something happened with Ryder, or even me, and we needed to get to the hospital? i just, can not believe it. how he just so casually left.
i spent yesterday rubbing his back, bringing him soup, calling his Sgt so he didn't have to go in. bringing him water and tylenol, constantly asking if he needed things. and i realized, he has never, ever, not once, brought me tylenol for a headache. or made me soup. or comforted me in any way, when i didnt feel good. when we said goodnight last night, i didn't even get an i love you. and it hurts, a lot.
yeah yeah, i know. this is a crabby bitchy post and i'm sure you're reading this like, okay, whats the big deal? but to me, it IS a big deal. i do my best at being a mother and a wife. with no relief at all. i dont have time to be sick, so when i am, i just deal with it. but i would like to think that if i were to be REALLY sick like the boys yesterday, there would be someone there to take care of me, like i was for Mike. and him doing it on his own free will, not me asking him to get me something. there has been many times i had a headache and laid on the couch, and he got up and got himself a tylenol, complaining something else of his hurt. and completely ignoring me.
when i texted him this morning not to even bother coming home, since he left it all to me to pick up, he had no idea why i was freaking out. it wasnt like he had a normal job and just call off. this, i understand. but when hes sick, he gets off, but when he gets the rest of the household sick, he gets to walk away from it all and leave us to fix ourselves. it isn't fair, at all. i only pray i dont feel worse than i do right now, or no one will be able to take care of my 11 month old son. he texted me from work saying he couldnt get off, to drink water, wash my hands, and let him know if i need a ride to the naval hosptial. that was it. i honestly told him, to fuck himself. and i locked the outside door again. i felt no different when i woke up a little bit later. it didnt matter to him how i felt, he never even asked. i slept on the couch last night. how does he know i wasn't in his same position downstairs as he was upstairs all day? it's just, so incredibly sad to me. how little he tends to care. that alone makes me sick to my stomach. i can not keep doing this. every fucking time something gets screwed up in our lives.
i yelled at him last night, while crying, after seeing my son throw up for the first time. that this was all his fault. i kept repeating. that i hate him. and i do, i truely hate him. for last night, and this morning. and all day today. it has barely begun, on little sleep, still sick, and i have to deal with so much. it isn't taking care of my baby. i can do that all day every day, sick or not. its the messes Mike makes and leaves me to clan it all up. right now Mollie is barking and causing noise to be let out. when i let her outside, she's going to get out and be running around outside the house, barking some more. which will cause Indy to bark, and Scout to follow her. we already had a complaint about Scout, but i have too much going on to go chase them, constantly. i have to vaccuum the living room and lysol it down, i have to do multiple loads of laundry and make sure my son eats something easy for his tummy. i have to lysol both bathrooms, and do the dishes that are piling up. and attempt not to forget that i exist and take care of myself as well. i think i will be okay. it's been over 24 hours since mike started throwing up, and over 12 since Ryder has, and so far, still so good. but that doesn't mean i don't still only 45%. with all this left for me to handle, on my own. it just isn't okay, at all. one small person can only take so much. and i'm really over this "give and take" crap.

i am really thankful to have such a good little boy though. i have no idea how i would survive life without him. although i know he still doesnt feel good, he puts a smile on my face, and can still smile at life. i love that he is still so in love with his mama, and even though he was screaming, i am happy that i got to hold and try to comfort him last night. he's just watching cartoons and eating pieces of crackers, and looking adorable like always. i never want him to have to go through all that again. my precious baby boy.

-ks.