emotions are running high tonight.
saint patricks day marked two years since Michaels grandma passed away.
so, i can not help but go back to that time. that almost made me give up.
and it brought me back to the present, where i am so glad that i didn't.
i am no stranger to death. i have lost more people in my life than what should be normal. and if there is one thing that i know, it's that, after theyre gone, you have to be there for the people that have been left behind.
the day Mike was due to come home on emergency leave, i had to work so i couldn't get him from the airport. before i left for work, his sister called me and told me to stay the hell away from him. that their grandma hated me and it was her "dying wish" that i wouldnt be allowed at the funeral. this infuriated me. how could she tell me that i wasn't allowed to be there for my boyfriend? i was so angry but i told her the same statement i wrote above. this was no longer about their grandmother, it was about Mike and i was going to be there for him if he needed me to be. but apparently, she told me if i showed up at their house, or the funeral itself, that i would be thrown out.
that night, Mike was suppose to meet me after work. i got off at midnight and by 10, i still hadn't heard from him. i called and texted his phone with no response. when i still had nothing an hour later, i texted one of his friends, whom i thought i could trust. Steve told me that Mike was drunk and Kristine, his ex, was over and staying the night and Mike wanted nothing to do with me. he was done with me, in his mind we were broken up and he was moving on. supposedly, he was downstairs in the bedroom, with her, and ignoring all my calls. i was frantic, how could this be happening when earlier that day he called me to tell me how much he loved me and couldnt wait until he saw me tonight?
like an idiot, i drove to Hammond and met Steve in the McDonalds parking lot by Mike's house.
you know when you have a gut feeling about something? that you absolutely, positively, know that it is true? sitting there the entire time, what Steve was telling me, for some reason, i didn't have that. i was sitting there, being told, to my face, that Mike was in his bedroom fucking his fat ex girlfriend. i sat there, completely dry eyed, and when he left, i laughed. i had no idea what was going on in my boyfriends head, i have no idea why he was ignoring me, but i never once felt like he was honestly having sex with another girl that night. i was told this, over and over again. and that he had slept with Sheena that week as well. that following Sunday he texted me telling me that he wanted to come "get his things" from my house. when i asked what he wanted, he picked out one thing, while i still had half of his wardrobe in my bedroom. his friends drove him to my house and we walked, and talked. i was completely tipsy and couldn't take anything seriously, but i know then, something in his eyes, his voice, or the way our hearts were connected, that this wasn't over. him and i? no fucking way.
while he was out getting smashed, going to bars, and dealing with things, while ignoring my calls, i went out on a date. "Magnum Brad" oh no. don't think it's because he has some big penis. as i have been told, it's quite the opposite. its only because he had that ugly looking car, that i giggle at every time i see it. we went to Steak and Shake for milkshakes. the whole time, my mind was on Mike. Brad and i went on a long weekend date shortly after i moved home from my apartment with Billy. it was fun but the conversation was like getting a tooth pulled. we had little in common, other than horses, there just wasnt a spark. but that week, i called Brad up. we were sitting in his Magnum (lmao, gets me every fucking time.) listening to music and he was talking about his gun. and BAM, pulled it out from under his seat. first, i had no idea why he had a gun under his seat when he was rich, and lived in a fancy neighborhood in Crown Point. second, why are you showing me this!? no, it didn't get bad, i wasn't scared, but seriously, why? so i excused myself and went inside without so much of a wave. my heart was pounding and i told my mom the story. we just laughed together. the feelings with Brad, was nothing compared to what i felt with Mike. i had slept with my head on the pillow that hide his Glock, the first night i stayed at his house and i didn't think anything of it. he made me feel safe. i didn't want anyone else. there was no one else that could fill that void that was eating away at my tiny body, that entire week.
that night, as i was talking to my friend ashley, late into the night. i made a vow to myself. that this time, i wasn't going to let go. i didn't care how badly i was hurting, or crying myself to sleep. there was no one else for me, but my Michael. there was not an ounce of me that even wanted to give up on him. while he ignored my phone calls and text messages, i booked myself a plane ticket to North Carolina, the following weekend. i did end up seeing him twice before he left. he never could give me a straight answer as to why he was breaking up with me. he still told me that he loved me. even then, he told me there was no one else for him and he had not slept with anyone. i knew i had to force myself to believe it, even though everyone kept telling me that he did. it was then that i realized i couldn't trust anyone but the man that i loved.
clearly, we got back together. it only took about an hour of me being in Jacksonville for him to ask me to be his again. and that weekend it was like nothing ever happened. i still think about that week, a lot. and sometimes, i do wonder what he did with those girls. but i didn't know Mike like i know him now. and i know he wouldnt and couldnt do that to me, even in a time where his head was so fucked up. to this day he denies even breaking up with me, he can't admit that he broke my heart a time or two. and now, when i think back and wonder, i stop and shake my head. i can no even think of it. i can not even remember Michael back then. he talks different, acts different, likes different things and has different priorities. every tiny little thing about him is different than who he was back then. during that week. and if something really did happen, it means so very little to what we have no. that there is no point in reliving that week in the negative, and just look back and realize, it's what led us to here and now.
i couldn't be happier that i flew to Jacksonville that weekend. after that weekend, it made me realize who i was, that i had no fear, and i really did love that man. and it made him realize what an idiot he was and he refused to let me go. we talked of marriage that week, and shortly after, he asked me to marry him. the next time we saw each other, i picked him up from O'Hare, handed him my truck keys, and we drove to Michigan for our wedding. Mike and i have overcome so, so much since the day that we met. so many hard times, drama, everyone rooting for us to break up. shit, even still, a lot of people are hoping that we get a divorce. we have rose above it all and we are finally in such a good place in our relationship. i think this Deployment really saved our marriage and our family. it slapped us in the face and made us step back and realize who and what is important. and that the only people that have always, always been there for each of us since the day that we met, were only each other. he came home and, after our struggle has passed, we became stronger than i ever imagined we would be. that man put me through so much shit, so many sleepless, teary eyed nights, so much drama and situations i was always too good for. but the moment our son was born, that over rode every little thing he ever did to me. i would relive that week over and over again, as long as today was the same, and tomorrow would still remain.
i love that man, the one that drives me nuts and kicks my nerves. that man that plays with our little boy in the kitchen and kisses me goodbye when i sleep in the mornings. the one i can be myself around and he always thinks i am beautiful anyway. the father of my two absolutely beautiful children, and has been there for me through all the hard times, and refuses to leave my side. this new, beautiful and courageous man, that i have helped to shape and mold in the last 2 and a half years. that man, is mine. all mine, and Ryder's and Lyvia's. no one else's, ever. and i could not ever love myself more, knowing that i refused to give up. and flew across state lines, to get what was mine, back. <3
i love you buttface.
ks.
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