twenty seven.

i just want...
my independence back. i miss working, a lot more than i care to admit. i would give anything to give the last bit of energy i have, to just get a job and make my own money. thats the biggest reason why i can't wait to go back to indiana. i have my freedom back, and options. sure, i get the things i need and a want here and there and my children are provided for, but what about me?
the thing that really kills me in this marriage is this "he can and i can't" bullshit.
yes, i'm bringing up my camera, once again.
the camera that hasn't been talked about since the last time i posted. neither here, or with him.
my mom is sending me some money in two weeks or less, for half of the camera. this is a late birthday/early mothers day present from her. she wanted to get all her kids something and this is what i just happened to want.
tonight, knowing that the money is coming, i went looking on Amazon for the one i wanted, though, i know which one i want. last weekend after the ultrasound, we went to Best Buy and i warned him, if i found the one i wanted, i would be walking out with it in my hand and he told me "he knew."
so, i didn't figure tonight would be much different. my mom has never let me down and when she says she's doing something, there is no possible way she will let me down. not to mention, this is half of my birthday present from his as well.
of course, when it's time to talk about it and i ask his opinion on what he thinks, he stares at me. i wasn't asking if i should order it now or now, just, what he thought. he told me i couldn't order it until my moms check came in the mail so we "didn't have a large chunk taken out of the account."
this, was my turn to stare.
how in the hell can he sit there and tell me this!? we have about the same amount of money as we did when he bought his motorcycle jacket and helmet, an even BIGGER chunk, when not half the money was coming in a few weeks. are you fucking kidding me?! how is it that HE can go off and get what he wants, i don't tell him no, and i can not? his excuse was, he needed it. he uses his bike everyday.
true.
but, i have over 1,000 photos on my dinky ass cell phone because i take photos so often. half of which, don't even look like what i'm trying to take a photo of. i have a point and shoot camera and lord only knows where the charger is so, i haven't been able to use it in months.
it really pisses me off.
ever since we got our tax money back, there has been no talk of saving it. i have been spending the week getting things we need and i want for the kids. most of which are off Bookoo and i save a lot of money. tonight i found a double stroller i liked and wanted and he had nothing to say about that either. and i know that, if i don't start saving or getting things for the babies, all the money will be blown.
it's down to me to watch over my family when it comes to money. i always, put them first.
it's not like i want to spend almost $500 on clothes, or shoes, or a single fucking purse.
i want a camera to capture my childrens lives as best as i can, while i have the ability to.
hm, whats that helmet and jacket do for your kids? keep their dad alive? ha, some days it wouldnt matter either way.
i'm just so mad. it's always me, thinking of everyone else. and never anyone else thinking of me. sure, i know i'll end up with the camera, but why is my wanting one not important?
and here i was earlier this evening, asking him to call his mom tomorrow and talk about her visiting, when anyone that knows me, knows thats the last thing i want. but he had expressed awhile back that he wanted her to meet my son. so, i push my own feelings aside for him.
when it will never be done for me.

all this just freaking sucks. he's a great help around the house and a great dad to Ryder. but when it comes to me, it's always a hit or miss. and it's become so unfair. i do everything for this family and i sacrifice everything. i try not only to better my children life, clothing them, making sure they have food and toys and are always happy and safe, but i try to better my own by taking online classes for something i don't even want to go into anymore. everything i do and all the hard work i put into life just makes me want to throw up, because i have never, never gotten anything back. i wish my life was different, or i had the ability to make things different. but here, i don't really have that option. i just want a little piece of myself back. other than being Ryder and Lyvia's mom, and Mikes wife, i am at a complete loss of myself. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, other than be the best mom i can possibly be. i have hopes and goals and dreams that i would die to reach, but am not sure if that is possible any longer. it's not the best feeling in the world. this, roadblock.

and lately i haven't felt very good about myself. just when i think things are getting better in our marriage, they just, kind of stop. they're not bad, but not that great either. i just feel like, i sit, and watch our baby, and grow our other baby, and pick up after everyone without a thank you. when he gets to go to work and come home and be done for the day. he complained about having the stay at the shop for warriors night on thursday, but he got to socialize and drink. i would love, even two hours away from my son, my dogs, just to sit and enjoy someones company, or just, my own. i have been calling my mom a lot more lately because i just feel THAT alone. Monique has been busy so we haven't talked. my phone never buzzes with texts anymore. and when Mike gets home, we don't talk either. so, other than the constant baby babble and the dogs barking, i live in a world of silence. and it's beginning to drive me insane. that's why i read so much. i see words, conversations, that all make sense. i'm so sick of him using the line, "i'm not a talker, i have nothing to say." how can you not? all i have been hearing is Parsons this, and that. motorcycle crap, shit about his work. nothing i even care about. clearly, i have more important things to be thinking about right now. i am just so frustrated tonight and want to stay in bed and avoid everything tomorrow. which, i just might.

just another rut in the damn road i am currently traveling.
this too, shall pass.
:sigh: