thirty four.

i don't think anyone has made me realize how much i have changed, more than Monique has.
and i know that i am really lucky that she gave our friendship another chance.
she knew about our fighting last week, and fighting this weekend. and i know that when i picked her up for lunch today, she was nervous. any other time Mike and i had a downfall, it wasn't just Mike and i. i hated my entire life because of him, or my feelings being hurt. Mo has seen it all. one minute i'm fine, and the next i'm sobbing and telling her i don't want to live anymore. telling her i want to pack up my shit and leave. but today i was fine. and i mean, honestly fine. this last fight, or, fights, this extreme blow out we had, didn't affect anything but Mike and i for a few days. i wasnt depressed, i didn't want to leave this marriage, i didn't get angry over anything else but the asshole he was being at the time. my mom caught me in the middle of a sob fest and i told her i wanted to leave, but that was it. even when i packed my things to leave for the weekend, i knew i was only driving somewhere in California. and that, was a big thing for me. and by yesterday, i was fine. i was mad for a little while, and knew that it was a new day, a new week, time to move on and let it go.
sitting at the diner with Monique, she even pointed it out to me that i did good. that, instead of hating everything in my life and completely shutting down, and, most of all, letting it go on and on and on for days, that i didn't do that at all. i know part of her was waiting for me to just break down, right then and there. but this time, i did't feel a need to. so we ate and laughed and joked with Ryder instead. which felt so much better than bitching and complaining about what happened last week. it felt really nice.
we talked about Mike's mom coming to visit, and how, honestly, i'm halfway excited for it. without Tiffany here, i think everything will be so much better. Trish is honestly coming out here for a good reason. that is to meet and enjoy time with our son, and her son, and the woman in their life. at this point, though it might change when she's here, i don't feel like i need to prove myself to her. not as a person, a mother, or a wife. letting her into my home isn't the easiest of things. and i am still hurt about the way she has treated me. but i think, as long as she treats my children right, then i can let it go. i am really hoping that she sees how great we are as a family, and how much him and i both have changed, all because of this tiny little being between us. Michael has changed into a man, and he really has changed so much since last time she was here. i can only hope that when she's here, things will be okay. but so far, i'm not too worried. which scares me haha.
also, i told Mike to bring Colbert home with him tomorrow. i havent been able to stand that kid, all because of his wife. but knowing more about what he's going through and how he never wants to go home, i can offer in a few hours away from everything to just hang out and relax. when i told Mike that, he just looked at me funny. :shrugs: why not? he isn't Parsons, haha. i feel bad for the guy and if we can help him get his mind set, i will do what i can.

gosh, reading all of the above shocks me, even. who is this nice person i have become? no, seriously!
i guess there is just more to life than being a damn downer all the time. i haven't had a "life" breakdown in almost 2 months maybe? and that's a big deal! i feel so much better about myself and my life. and though i still have issues and insecurities, i don't let them affect other parts of my life. i know that there is always a brighter day, after this one. that fighting will stop and things will move forward. they will always, always move forward. that, what i am sad about today, i might smile about tomorrow. that the little things are what matters most. the world is not ending. fights happen, bad days happen. but i am still alive and breathing.
that's what really matters. <3

-ks.