thirty one.

why is it that my bitchiest post always get the most views? lol.
today, was decent, until tonight.
i honestly don't think i have ever cried that hard, ever.
Michael got drunk last night.
this morning i decided to finish packing up Ryder and i's things and head out, even for the day and stay in a hotel. just to Palm Springs since i knew where  was going. just, driving, jamming to music and singing helped more than i thought it could.
i decided to do a little shopping. i bought Ry new shoes and Lyvi her first ballet shoes that she won't be able to wear for like, ever. haha. i finally got sunglasses, and in the middle of shopping for on outfit for myself, i had the bright idea to give this all another shot. i decided that i would get a nice outfit for the baby and me, rush to the hotel and get ready, and have him meet us out there for dinner and mini golfing.
i got to the last store, and my debit card was declined...
now, we have more than enough money in our account. i charged it as credit and thought maybe this was a mistake.
i went to Target to get small shampoos and Ryder diapers, and it did it again. i was shaking, literally. i charged it and walked to my truck clutching my stomach, i felt like i was going to throw up.
Mike froze my debit account. that's all that i could possibly think.
i called Monique, crying. i hadn't checked into a hotel yet and though i'm sure i could have ran it as credit, i was terrified. i didn't even think to call the number on my card, i was too upset. my heart was pounding. was Mike really doing this to me?
we talked it over and i had done nothing wrong. i hadn't threatened to go to Indiana, i just needed a weekend away. i had called him while in Target and invited him out for the evening, and now this? what was i suppose to do? nauseous,  i had no choice but to drive back to twentynine palms, and couldn't be more thankful that i was smart enough to fill up before driving out there.
the entire way back i couldn't breathe. it was so hard not to pull over and throw up on the side of the road. my vision was blurred and my heart was racing. i tried to calm myself down. i talked to myself the entire way back. telling myself that i would be calm, i wouldn't accuse him, i would just ask. i was in no spot to be losing my temper. i almost didn't make it driving back, from shaking so bad. i had to calm myself down. but i rounded the corner to our house and his bike wasn't there. i had been calling him for hours since i was declined and no answer. i was on the phone with my mom outside, when i heard his bike close. i ran inside and locked the door. he walked in and was shocked to see me.
i asked him if he froze my account.
he told me no, why would he?
i know when my husband is lying and he didn't seem to be, but still, why was my debit not working? he thinks maybe because i just ordered a lot of stuff with my card online, and swiped it quite a few times today, but still. the one weekend i plan a get away for my son and myself, doesn't that seem too ironic?
regardless, i lost it right then. i started crying, telling him i couldn't live like this anymore. that i was constantly hurt and he wasn't there for me, ever. that he was irresponsible and it wasn't fair to his kids, that i was pissed at him for getting drunk last night and shutting his phone off. and how i felt like he doesnt even care about me, how he is destroying me.
and for once, he put his arm around me.
i just sat there bawling repeating over and over and over that he was all i had here.
which, clearly, i have my children as well, i know that.
and then i calmed down, and he played with Ryder.

but when i put my son to bed i wanted to talk more and once again, he refused to talk to me. i don't know about all of you, but i HATE fucking silence when i want to talk. i hate no words, when i am trying to have a conversation. i ran downstairs when he wouldn't talk, and curled into a ball and once again, bawled my eyes out, like i can never remember doing before. was i not worth even a conversation? it was 930 on a friday night and he just wanted to sleep. i called my mom, who could barely understand me through the hiccuping sobs. she calmed me down and i marched upstairs. i shook him awake and told him that him not talking to me anymore, wasn't happening. yet still, nothing.

that's when i completely lost it.
i started screaming, i started shaking and crying, i swung my arm across our dresser and knocked everything off, i threw my phone against one wall, and punched the other three times. i went downstairs and destroyed some more before i became exhausted and livid and terrified. i went upstairs to get dressed, and to grab my son and leave. i had no money and nowhere to go but i didn't give a shit. the silence was driving my bonkers, i wanted to pull my hair out. it wasn't worth it, i know. but he stopped me from taking my son. i turned on my smartass tone that i always use when i'm really, really fucking pissed off. he told me not to leave, that it could work out, yadda yadda yadda.
really Mike, how many times have we had this conversation in the last few months, alone?! not one things has changed.
i told him that it wasn't fair that he seemed to want to spend more time with Parsons, that we never do anything fun, that i'm stuck, in this house, all the time and he doesn't care. that he complains about how tired he is when he has nothing compared to what i do during the day. that i need a freaking break from this place and he knows this, my mom and i have both told him this, and he hasn't done anything about it. that i didn't feel cared about and loved, and he never shows me affection other than having sex with me. it was all such a bunch of word vomit.
and then, i had to ask. if my husband was gay.
that's what pissed him off and he called me fucking dumb and left the room.
but doesn't that sound like a valid question at this point?

he was playing with Ryder on the bed when i was still talking and still not getting many answers. i was just so, so tired. i have been doing this for three freakin years! i laid my son back down and just slumped on the bed, he's fast asleep and i, once again, don't know where to go from here. leaving doesn't seem a good option, yet neither does staying. this isn't just a bunch of random pregnancy emotions, this is years and years and years of build up from everyone that has ever hurt me. that i STILL don't feel good enough as a woman to be treated right. this just sucks, i'm in such a slump. but this too, shall pass.

oh a good note, i turned his phone on silent and hid it in Ryder's sock drawer so that he can't be texting his boyfriend all weekend, which, he was out riding with before i got back. and i might make him take me shopping, where i just was, so that i can finish getting the things i went down there for, and get my debit card straightened out and see what the issue was. sadly, as much as i hate this fuck face right now, something tells me it was just a dumb mistake.

it's just so sad to see him want to make this work, he has never ever once, no matter what i've done to him, told me he wanted this to end. he's never taken off his ring like i have. never once brought up seperation of divorce. every time i tell him maybe we need to discuss it, he just gets a horrified look on his face. he's always so quick to tell me that "it will work" but yet doesnt change in the areas that i need him to. i told him i want more affection and he currently has his hand on my lower back and fell asleep rubbing it, he kissed me like he meant it before he fell asleep. but how long will it last this time? it just hurts. because he's normally such a good father and he does provide for us. why can't i get over the little things, or at least not make such a big deal out of some things, and try to keep the peace? all this just sucks.

it all goes back to how little we still know each other. at least him knowing me. i told him tonight that i want him to wake me up one morning and tell me to shower and do my hair and wear this, or that, and just not tell me where we're going. he told me he has thought about it but knew i'd hate it. but he doesn't understand that it's exactly what i want. he always mentions doing this or doing that and i'm perfectly okay with it and then, it never happens. i don't get it, at all. and i just wonder where to go from here.

tonight i'm just going to be invisible, the rest of the weekend pretend like i don't exist.
and Monday, figure out a plan.
i just want things to get better and stay better. things were okay for about a month. this, this i hope that i can get past so we can have another okay month. but i have to be done trying.
it all lies in my husbands hands now.

-ks.