thirty six.

stickin to my guns. 
i randomly go on mikes old facebook from time to time. his sister deleted him/me from it awhile back and she randomly, added him back. after stalking her profile, i just had to deactivate his account again. not one thing has changed and i am glad i refuse to give her a second chance until she grows up. she isn't 21 yet, and posts all these photos of her drinking, drunk, and in the sluttiest clothing. she complains about every little thing, especially working. back in december she posted saying that as far as she knew, she was an only child, and posted that Mike only calls them for money. first of all, he rarely talks to his mother and second, we have never asked for money. i don't understand why she would post things like this. i ended up just messaging her all this stuff and how i feel. and how much it saddens me that she is only 2 years younger than i am and could be a big part of our life, we could be close, if she was smart enough to not do 90% of the things she has done.
Mike and i talked a lot about his mom and sister when he came home from Deployment. as much as i did not want them here, i felt that i was almost ready to allow them to. and to start over. even though Mike expressed that he didn't really want them here, i knew better. but with talking about his mom coming now, i had to ask about his sister. i told him no, and he was okay with that. when i asked him why he felt that way, he told me that after what she went back to indiana and said last time, that she didnt deserve it. that she wouldnt be here for the right reasons. and i know this. she would want to drink with her brother, ride on his motorcycle, and fake being sick again, and my son doesn't need to get "sick" it just saddens me that she always looked up to her brother for all the wrong things. his street racing, and him being "cool" and drinking, and his friends. and now she won't get the chance to be proud of him for anything real! i saw in one of her pictures that her friend and herself were wearing the Marine Corps covers, in the basement, in his room. i can not tell you how disrespectful that was, even to me. i have no idea where they got those covers, but my husband went to war, missed the birth of his first born, his son, and you sit in his old bedroom getting drunk and mock what he does for a living. i wanted to slap her. she has always tried to be like him. she has the car he use to talk about, she drinks all the time, with mostly the same people he use to drink with. i just wish she could follow his example and grow up. clearly, the Marine Corps, and starting a family made Mike open his eyes on being an adult. especially after we got married. he's an amazing man now. i wish his sister could be proud of him and happy for him, for having a wife that stuck beside him. clearly, through how many dramatic situations? and proud of him for fathering two children and being a really great dad, instead of thinking he "threw away his family" and wants him to leave me.
i explained to her that, when you get married, move away, and make a family of your own. your mom, dad, and siblings become a lot less important. i talk to my mom, everyday. but i won't be going to visit Indiana like her and i both want me too, because i have to think of my baby, and family as a whole. that, is exactly what Mike is doing. he has seen me cry over things Tiffany has said or done enough to know now that he needs to protect his son and daughter from that, the drama, and having an influence that is just, terrible, in their lives. but that doesn't make him a bad person, or less of a man. he grew up. he changed. he traded his street racing for diapers and his skateboarding for bath time. instead of carrying his gun and knife everywhere, he carried a pink zebra print diaper bag. and that is something to be proud of, more than either one of them will ever know.
Mikes dad was a very short lived father, and i highly doubt Tiffany will be smart enough to think long term in the way of men. neither of them will ever know what it's like to have a dad like my husband for their children. they won't understand what it's like to have a man give up things for his family, and begin to take things seriously. Troy use to be an alcoholic. i remember Mike telling me a story about him at six years old, pouring his daddy's liquor down the drain. because of that, and not wanting his kids to see that, even though, when Mike drinks, he drinks a beer or two and that's it. but, he rarely drinks. he had a few six packs after Deployment and he drank a 12 pack last week when we had our big fight, and even that made me pretty angry. i grew up around no alcohol, at all. even still, the only alcohol my parents drink or froofy wine coolers. and i want my children raised the same way. i didn't get involved in drinking until i was 6 months shy of 21. even then, i have been drunk like, two and a half times, once, we all blame Jovana. haha.
anyway, i got off track.
but, it doesn't look like things have changed. not on either of our parts on either of our feelings. i have no problems at this point in time with his mother. i am perfectly okay with keeping her at a distant, and involving her as little as possible. as is he. but her getting to meet our son is okay. especially since we have just the 4 of us for another year and a half. her visiting once, won't make much of a difference, and Ryder won't remember anyhow. i don't see her and i ever getting close, or even her and Mike getting close, even when we do move back. i just wish Tiffany would get her act together and straighten up instead of constantly begging for attention in her raunchy clothes, provocative poses, and complaints. just, whenever i look at crap like that, my brain screams "desperate" and i wish she understood that there is more to life than getting attention. i wished she cared more about my kids than starting drama and saying rude and unnecessary things about their mom. and i wish she understood that it wasn't me that took her brother away from her, but it was her, herself. we all know these things won't change but i can only hope that by the time she is almost my age, when we move back, her life, attitude, and brain is a whole lot different than it is right now.

i know that i have changed, a lot. even since my birthday. i knew that i needed to, to keep my family together. and thought we fought last week, this week we are mostly okay. i can expect bumps and not everything to be perfect right now, until we get our feet on the ground and are a little less stressed out with everything going on. and i knew that deep down, it was time to at least give his mom a chance to prove herself with my child. i suppose that as long as she loves him, treats him right, and follows our influences on him, then she can be okay in my book. and now is the perfect time to do so, when he doesn't know any better. but, at least this visit. i'm really not worried about too much. i really think it will be a nice time with her here, and not the crazy fiasco that it was last time. and part of me wishes Tiffany were coming as well, but i know it's best if she doesn't. i just hope that one day she will start following in her brothers footsteps and become a better person. and finds a good guy that makes her want to change into a better person. and put some more damn clothes on, my gosh! it all takes time and not all of us can be as lucky as Mike and i were and find our one and only's at 20 and 21 years of age.
it might have started off as lust. an infatuation. a motorcycle.
but i couldn't be more thankful that it turned into so, so very much more than that.
and despite it all, and almost 3 years of wondering, hurting, crying, and contemplating later.
i know this is something so very much worth holding onto.

so you people that hope we break up. hold your breath.
please. :)

-ks.