thirty nine.

we live, we learn. we crash, we burn.
and no matter how much i have changed. physically, mentally, emotionally. the pain still remains.
today the fucking Facebook switched me to timeline. i had been avoiding it, knowing there was a past hidden between the lines that i did not want to relive. and here i am, sitting in tears, reliving it all. day by day. seeing myself that low, kills me. every single time. who was that girl? that girl that called this monster her own? the girl that constantly spoke the words, "i am lost, and never want to be found." that blue eyed girl that was so shadowed with bruises, inside and out. why? why did i ever put myself through that? that.. monster. what was so important of him to have such a hold on me? where was i, in that moment of weakness, over and over again to let myself fall back into those arms? how come i never opened my eyes just a little bit more, to let go? it was a constant reminder that i told myself, in public, that i was never going to be "that girl"
now that i look back, what girl was that? the one for him? the one he would eventually treat right? or the girl that would actually fall for anything like she did? i have no idea who i was. it was like, a giant chunk out of some important years of my life were removed when he walked in. those days i can not get back.
i can not tell myself that all of those times were a lose. honestly, they made my current life all the more important, more meaningful, and makes it all make sense. i realize how much i have grown up since then. and i know that not even one inch of me is the same. and although i never escaped completely, i know in time that i would have. in January of 2009, the beginning of the year that i met Michael, i began to slip away. but not from myself like i had imagined i would have. i started classes back at IUN, i had a direction. i got out of Billy's reach by buying my beloved Johnny Walker. i started working at PSC. i suppose those small little things are what saved my life. after joining MMA, i felt a lot better about myself. i was doing well in college, i had a job that i couldnt wait to get to everyday, and i was a fighter. but cage fighting never really was about what it meant to anyone else. not to me. it wasn't about winning the fight. but it was about fighting to stay alive. every damn day. and all the strength and courage i built up, i knew it was time to let go. after we moved out of the apartment, as upset as i was the first month, i knew that i could breathe again. i knew that i could start over, and start to re create myself. a fresh start, a new me, a new life.
"someone once told me that life wasn't worth the fight. it took an entire year and a half of abuse for me to realize that, they lied." was my status update on May 24th, 2009. almost a year before the day Michael and i got married. it is beyond crazy how things changed, as soon as i met Michael. every little piece of me started to fall into place.
"breakdown after breakdown. brick.by.fucking.brick. she still finds herself standing tall. after each.and.every.hit."

after Billy and i broke up, and i became just a memory. i had one dream. i wanted to pack up and move to Memphis. i have no idea why. i had never been there, or even to Tennessee. but i knew i wanted somewhere new. where i knew no one and no one knew me. and start over. i wasn't a settle down type of girl anymore. i wanted to go, to find myself. i will always have a small obsession with Memphis, it will always be my little hideaway if ever shall i need it. but in the posts after May, things seemed to get a lot better. i found comfort in running and would run often. after running away from so many problems in my life you would think i would be able to run a marathon. i was happy with my job and spent a lot of time with my mom. my spirit began to soar and more than once or twice, i see myself posting things like, "i am so happy to be alive."i knew that letting go was the best thing that i could do. there were a lot of guys in my life that summer and each one of them hold some part of my healing process. but that's all they were. they were nothing special. but a few nights that turned into mornings. they made me realize all that i didn't want. being with them taught me more things about myself. and more so, who i wasn't, and where in life i didn't need to be. Tim was the first to open my eyes. he too, knew Billy. he was the first to sit me down and talk to me about it all. he made me feel beautiful in my own skin. he made me realize that not every man on this earth was going to hurt me. he is as gentle as they come and he was an amazing friend of mine, and came and left when my life called for it. then it was Matty, whom i believe helped me the most in life. he opened my eyes about both Billy and Mike. he has a beautiful daughter and that got between us, we were just not meant to be together. we tried to date over that summer and i couldn't do it. while Mike was at boot camp, my sister in law and Matt got together. on New Years Eve he was at her house. she had tried breaking up with him before the party. and he asked me to go downstairs to talk for a few minutes. while we were sitting on the washing machine and dryer like Mike and i use to do, he tried to kiss me. i shoved him off of me and ran upstairs. it was in the moment that i did not give into another man while i was with someone else. i had cheated on Billy with Matt before. but something inside of me burst into flames when his lips were inches from mine. and that was the moment i realized that Mike was not like anyone else. Tony was also in my life that summer and taught me to face my fears of the roads ahead. but he also told me that i could not fix someone, no matter how hard i tried. all of these men have since, left my life. like every other road i have traveled down.

running, security, johnny walker, and sweet, sweet words i heard on the radio were my saviors that summer of 2009. they got me over the toughest of times, and running led me straight into my husbands arms. i have no idea what it was about him, but in that moment that i first saw him. and stared into his eyes, i knew there was more to this life than anything i had ever known. that instant, i felt safe. everything about him, led me to believe that love could possibly exist. he didn't leave my mind all weekend. and that first night we rode through the stars and he kissed me for the first time, i knew.
Mike saved my life. more than he even realizes. he has given me so much confidence in life. but, that's a happier story for a happier time.

during that time, i stayed alive. i grew up and became wise. i opened my eyes to the world and everything and everyone in it. i... i survived.

i wrote this the morning after i met Michael...

It’s taken me far too long. To realize what I have just realized in life.
Thank god that’s over.

Everything I have been going through is still a small detail, a small bump, in my road. 
I was knocked down. Torn apart. Left for dead.
And here I am. Simply learning to walk again.
Everything I had built in a year and a half. Everything I lost. Everything I won. Has been switched around, turned upside down.

I’ve made my mistakes. And I have paid the price for each of them.
I let about a million and four people down.
I’ve walked and run over half the people I had in my life.
I’ve lost great people. I’ve met a few new ones.
There was a life lost. And a life found.

I’ve walked alone and I’ve walked side by side.

I watched my dreams just float away and never come back.

So I’m making new ones.

I have never felt so incrediby… free, in my life.

I can’t love him anymore. Not after everything that he as done to me. Really, when it all came down to it, I never looked at the big picture of things. Just this little thing, what he had done this time, rather than the last five times, and so forth. I knew a long time ago that it wasn’t a good spot to be in, but I tricked myself into believing that he needed me. 

All he needed me for for to push someone around. He needed to break me down. He needed to constantly make me feel bad about myself. He needed to leave his mark, all over my body. And once I started to gain myself back, I started to be more independent and grow away from him, out of his grasp, he started to realize that I was playing his games anymore.

I havent talked to him in about a week. And I almost relapsed tonight. But I knew that it would have only hurt me. And I’ve become so strong lately, I couldn’t risk it.

I am no longer hurt and I no longer fear falling in love.

No one else, is Billy Burk. They can’t have the memories that we had. They can’t go through what we went through. They can’t hold me,the way he did, or take what I had with him away from me.

But they also can’t hurt me. And break me. And tear me apart. They can’t leave every single bruise, or tear, that he left. They can’t make me do the things I did for him. They can’t. because I wont let them. I’m stronger this time. And I’ll turn around and walk away. Because I didn’t deserve what he did to me. Everyday. But I stayed. And I won’t. EVER AGAIN.

He’s the worst person in this world. He took advantage of an innocent girl who has become one of my closest friends. He stole. He came a criminal. Hes abusive.

I should want him to die.

But I can’t say that anymore.

I just hope he finds, exactly what he’s looking for.
And I hope she leaves him far sooner than I left him.
And never ever EVER comes back.

I have found someone that I enjoy being around very much. He can make me smile so easily, and makes me appreciate the little things in life. Such as a sunrise, which we ALWAYS seem to catch. That look in his eyes lets me know that he wants me in his life. I’ve never felt that. That’s all I’ll ever need. I Can’t thank him enough for all that he’s done for me. He didn’t really know how to lift me back up. But he sure did lie down right next to me.! He has no idea how amazing he is. And one day he is going to find someone, that lets him be fearless. And although he may not know where life is taking him in this exact moment. I really hope that he knows. He’s going to make it big someday. Whether it be in small town Indiana, or big time California. I hope he gets all that he deserves, which is quite a lot. He’s been through a lot of things in this lifetime, that I know if I had to go through, I wouldn’t have made it. But he did. He’s strong, and he always pushes on.he hasn’t only re taught me how to walk, he’s showed me how to run.  I am very thankful to have him in my life, I do believe, he could have possibly saved it. So tim, I have to say thank you. Thank you for absolutely EVERYTHING you have done for me. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And I know that if I try to run, you’re faster. And I know that you’ll catch me.

I’m always going to be that freckle faces girl with the lopsided grin. I’m still going to sing in the shower, completely off key. And dance around in my underwear and a cowboy hat when no one is home. (great image right?) I’m never going to say the right thing at exactly the right time. I’m always going to swear like a Marine. My hair is NEVER going to fall in the right places. I’m always going to be scared of thunderstorms, but dance around in the rain anyway. I’m never going to be afraid to get dirty. And I don’t think I’ll ever give away my favorite pair of sweats.I’m going to get a temper, and I’m going to always think that I am right. I’m always going to care too much, and give in too little. But I’m always going to be me. That’s the one thing that is never going to change. And one day someone is going to come along and fall in love with me. Every flaw, every mistake, and all. Some day. 

I’m going to be getting the tattoo that I had planned on ever since I was about 13 years old.
But I threw that one away too. Because he wasn’t in my life anymore.
And he still isn’t. but I have no doubt in my mind that he will be back.
I’ll always be kevins little sister. “little kp” “little pattywhack” or any other nickname hes had.
And I have never really liked that, but I can’t help but cling to it more than ever now.
And I am… a Paterson.

I realized. I come from a very strong line of females.

My Grammy was the most courageous woman I have ever known. Losing three children, and then losing herself. I really do believe, that week in the hospital was the biggest turning point in my life. I couldn’t be selfish, I couldn’t think of myself. And I didn’t. I stayed there, everyday, all the time. And I didn’t care. I remember her last words. God damn it I do, those were MY words. They belong to me. And I watched her slip away. Everyday. And she was gone, before I ever got to tell her. That I was sorry. And I think about her. Every day of my life. And I should have been a better person back then. But I’m going to be better now. And I can’t tell her that anymore… 

The last thing I wrote, was for her. I faced my fears and I read it at her funeral. I have never read anything I have ever written in front of a large group of people anymore. But I went up there, all by myself. But I wasn’t alone. I remember looking out from where I was standing, higher than everyone else. I felt my knees buckled. And I could barely stand. My hands gripped the podium. And I did it. I remember my mom telling me later that day, that she thought she was going to have to go up there, and hold me up. But she didn’t have to. Because I was so strong. I was like my Grammy. 

I haven’t written anything sense.

Lately I have been spending more “me” time. I’ve taken up daily cancer, tanning, I read more, I stress less, and I write basically EVERYTHING down. I never want to miss a beat of this amazing life I’m building for myself. The plan is to start running, however we all know how well that works right? But I have to start training and start testing.

I was discussing with Officer Pochron one night. About becoming a Hobart cop here within the next year. He says that there’s a pretty good chance as long as I pass the tests. And I also learned, there are no female cops on HPD. Which to me, sounds pretty amazing. And I could be going someplace with all of this. I’m tired of people telling me to go be a nurse. Sit behind a desk. I know that this is the lifestyle I’ve wanted for a really long time. And sure it’s going to be difficult, but I know that I can do it. Because they have faith in me. Pochron, Webber, Gressor. You guys are amazing. You guys are my heroes!!!

Well that’s my life as of now. I’m having more “happy” days than bad days.

I’ve stopped planning whats going to happen even six months from today, outside of my career.

I’m back in school and passed, well, three of my classes. Because the art teacher was a complete douchebag.

I’m living back with my mom and I’m trying to make the best of it.

I have the best of friends.

The greatest family I could ever ask for.
Thought I want to kill a few of them half the time. I’d kill FOR them, anyday of my life.

I have a guy that calls me beautiful, that I’m not head over heels with.
Thought I never really understood that expression. Uhm heels over head? Head over heels? Whatever!!

My life is going in the right direction. I’m getting back into writing. And I plan on POSSIBLY publishing a book within the next year. If everything pans out correctly.

HPD here I come when I turn 21!

If I don’t die of cancer from tanning and asthma from running.
Which really, kind of cancels it out. I go tanning. And then I go running. Never said life made sense.

I still love my job.

I’m going to make more time for myself, as well as my family. I know that I’ve kind of been out of everyones life for the past year and a half.

And I’m going to start… sleeping less. Seems to be my trend these days. 
But theres no point in sleeping. Everyday is such a beautiful day. I can’t stand to miss even a minute of it!

“When you’re entire life is being torn apart. Do the only thing you can do. SURVIVE!”

Well there you have it. My life story. As of right now. In the wee early hours of August the First, two thousand and nine.
The sun will be coming up soon as I post this. Outside. Stealing someones internet.
Today is the first day, of the rest of my life.


<3


-ks.