i love, my father.
i always write about my mom or siblings but my father is absent a lot from my posts, like he was in my life. my dad was an over the road trucker that came home on weekends and would rather watch television than to teach us to ride a bike, or throw a ball back and forth. i don't have many memories left of him growing up, but the ones i do, he was fighting with my mom. he has a temper, that one. yes, i get that from my dad. a lot of the time, he chose to be away from us. when my mom was pregnant with my brother, he walked out on them for 8 months. he was in the same town when he was born, but didn't come to the hospital. he was never around for recitals, or plays at school, or to see me get a badge on my sash in girl scouts. all my life, i pretended i didnt have a dad. how could i, when i didnt even knew the person that created my life? i have so very few memories of him, and barely any photos with him growing up. i never understood him. he never gave me the chance. but i am so much like him. our temper mostly. our outlook on life and wanting to make the most of it before time fades away. us, both being the families rock, he taught me that, you know. but i think, having my father absent from my life, made me run to any guy, trying to make them love me. i held that void for so long. and then, my brother abandoned me as well. and now, now i don't have that fear. i have the two greatest loves in my life from the opposite sex. my husband and my son.
i dont think i really opened my eyes to my father until my Grammy died my senior year. after spending days in the hospital, he took me home to shower and get clothes for my mom and me. i had just gotten in the shower when he knocked, and told me we had to go... the tone in his voice let me know that, this was it. i paniced. i threw clothes on and ran out the door, tears streaking my face. it was the first time i asked my father, what to do. he told me to stay calm, that it was going to be alright. to stay strong because thats what my mom needed me to be. we walked through the emergency room doors together. and something between us changed.
right before Michael and i got married, once again, my dad came into play. we had our first heart to heart, and finally, i felt like the daughter to a wonderful father. he talked to me about a lot of things that night and i went to bed and cried. and how amazing it made me feel. he was looking out for his little girl. his little "kimby" like he never had before. but never once did he judge me. that man, though not always being present in my life, has never once, not ever, passed judgement on me. i am fairly certain he knows about my abortion, though he has never brought it up and led on that he knew, but that's the thing i love about my father. he knows i will do what i need to in my life. never once, in my 23 years, has he told me, or acted like, i let him down. he has never once told me he was disappointed in me. even though, i'm sure there are times he wasn't all too proud of me, he's never made me feel bad about myself.
my dad, walked me down the aisle at my wedding. in on the left, my mother on my right. and in that moment, all those times i missed with my father, seemed so small. though he wasn't there for a lot of things, he was at my wedding, and gave me away to a man he barely knew, but trusted with his little girl. that moment meant more to me than he will ever know. i went from the little girl crawling into his recliner with him to watch scary movies with, waking up earlier than everyone on christmas morning, and him already being awake, waiting for me. to the teenager he saw in uniform, to the woman, a bride on her wedding day. nothing else mattered but that very moment.
when i had to fly back to indiana for my papas funeral, it was my father that i clung to. him and i would take walks around the funeral home, go have lunch, and talk crap about aunt sandy. he was my rock to lean on through the entire mess, and the one that came looking for me when i took off walking 15 miles home in flip flops because i couldn't stand who my "family" was turning out to be. he was the one that took me back to the airport early when i had a gut feeling that something wasn't right back in california. he understood. he has never questioned anything about my life.
and when he drove my mom out to california to visit, seeing him with my son, was the most heart warming thing i have ever seen. even my mom said, he never even acted like that with the twins. he would hold Ryder and play with him, and pick him up if he fussed and we were busy. it was such an amazing feeling! and i think now, more than ever. his baby girl moving across the country and having babies, and a daughters name he can not pronounce, so he will make up a name for his grand daughter like he did his daughters cat, he realizes that he missed out on a lot of things he shouldnt have, things he can't get back. but i love that man, stranger or not, all the same.
fathers, no matter present in their life or not, shape a daughters life.
and it honest to god makes me cry knowing that i can give my daughter what i never had. Mike is already talking about dancing around in a tutu with Lyvia to make her smile, daddy daughter dances in girl scouts, and bringing her flowers at her dance recitals. i cry at daddy daughter moments on movies because it kills me, it's what i have always wanted. but knowing my daughter will have that, and i know she will, i have no doubts about Mike that way, just makes me so warm inside. <3
my dad might not have always been there. but he has been there when no one else understood. when people judged me, he didn't. he has been there for me when it mattered the most. hes taught me so much in this life, and how it's just too short not to be happy and chase your dreams. he's an amazing man, and he's a great dad. and i know we're both sorry that it took me 20 years to finally see this. and honestly, i think him and i are the closest out of all my siblings. and i know he won't leave my life, or walk out on me. we don't talk much, but that's okay. because i know he will always be my rock. and be there when i need him.
and seeing my son, with his own dad, and watching them together, has opened my eyes and turned me into a big baby again. fathers truely are amazing people. and having children, change their lives as much as it does ours.
i would not exist, without my father. my father that rides his bicycle about 100 miles a week. at almost 60, that's a pretty big thing! a man that loves his little tiny chihuahua, and will never give up his talk of wanting to get a damn sailboat. even though his wife and two daughters get motion sick! a man who has always said his favorite color was brown, and nicknames things "fred." the man who taught me how to drive a go cart, and took me to mud bogs, a man that likes sloppy joes and pork n beans, and isnt afraid to go rafting with us. he's such a strong man, and maybe a big part of him is where i get my strength from. a man that never gives up, and in my eyes, someone that will live forever.
and i am my daddy's daughter. always.
-ks.
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