my writing career.
i have always, always, always wanted to write a book. i miss writing anything but blog posts and journal entries, but i just don't have time, or the brain waves to think about anything but poopie diapers and sippy cups. eventually, it will happen. it will, i promise. i know a lot of you look forward to my book when i do write it. and this makes me smile!
however, i have to start somewhere.
so, here is what i am going to do.
After the first of the year, i am going to start a new blog to document our last few months in the marine Corps, the big move, and the start of our new life in Michigan, i hope.
in a few years when i have time to myself (i have currently snuck into the bathroom wishing i had soundproof walls, to type this entry, while both my kids fuss, whine, and scream because theyre overtired and i have tried everything to comfort them.), i will write my story. or, multiple.
until then, i have chosen to charge $1 to read my new blog.
it will help with my childrens future, our new home, and since it is difficult right now to find a job, i think that its a good idea.
i believe paypal works for this kinds of stuff, right?
my paypal address is USMCNelson29@yahoo.com
what i would like for you to do, is send me $1, and a message on facebook, (or here, if you're not on my facebook page) with your email address. once paid, i will write down the email you have given me so that when i create my new blog, i can add you to my list.
i promise i will make it worth the read. :)
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
seventy seven.
i am my fathers daughter.
earlier today while Mike and i were driving to Palm Desert, we got to talking about the move and the relationships we felt were important enough to keep when we did. i started talking about my dad and how he was always my rock. and that he had never once judged me.
during my childhood, my mother was solo. she was both mom and dad to all three of us. not until my grandmother passed away did a relationships start between us. he had driven me home to grab a change of clothes for my mom and i, and for me to shower. i was rinsing my hair and my dad knocked on the door, poked his head in, and said, "kimby, we gotta go." the entire drive to the hospital, he kept me calm. he made me believe that things were going to be okay. that i was stronger than i thought. and while everyone in the room lost it, my dad and i were our families rocks. it was the same with my papas funeral. him and i walked across the street from the funeral home to mcdonalds and laughed, and joked about everything, and celebrated my pregnancy, while not one other person really cared. before Michael and i got married, he sat me down. he didn't tell me to think twice, he didn't tell me that i was stupid for rushing into something. he told me to follow my heart and my dreams, and give it all i got. even when he came out here after Lyvia was born, driving to get a pizza from Dominos, he told me everything was going to be okay. there has never been any judgement, belittlement, or hurt. there was an emptiness, a forgiveness, and moving on.
i called my mom tonight and we were talking about the Christmas box she was sending us. and told me that in there were going to be three oddly shaped packages. the small one was for me, the two others were for Mike. they were wrapped.
and they were from my father.
my entire life, my dad has missed so much of my life. i never really thought he cared much about me. he didn't know me. or even want me. he admitted that he didn't want children, and that, looking back, he knew he took everything for granted. that he can admit, that he was a bad dad. i tried so hard to get his attention. i remember small things like watching scary movies in his recliner together, him taking me trick or treating if Halloween fell on a weekend. walking down to Lincolns for a Bunny girl. he wasn't a bad dad, he just... wasn't ever there. not the way a daughter needs him to be.
growing up, and looking back, i didn't need him. i had my mom. my mom was everything to me. how can i want something, or someone, i didn't even know? he taught me more than he thinks he did. he showed me just how much i want for my daughter, with his absence. a father that remembered birthdays and bought Christmas presents that didn't just have his name on it from mom. a father who took his daughter to ballets, or father daughter dances. a dad that made time for his daughter. i can not remember, not one time, in my entire life that he has done something for me before i became a Senior in high school. he took us on vacations and tumbling meets, he went to my state gymnastics meet. he was there to watch, but there was always a gap in between us. not anymore.
my dad doesn't buy gifts, he doesnt do anything special, or sentimental. he gives money, in a clean pair of socks, then asks for them back. this year, he took the time out to get Mike and i different things, and wrap them. he wrapped them. my father. in the history of him being a dad... has never once wrapped a present for any one of us.
when i asked my mom why he did it, she said, "because. he knows you two have been threw a lot the last few years, that you only have each other, and you're on your own. he didn't get Kelly or Kevin anything other than a pair of socks. this is just for you and your husband."
i cried when she told me this. like i am crying now.
these past few weeks have been emotional. i have cried, multiple times, about the simple fact that we have no one. that no one has cared about us, other than my mom, since we moved here. no one called to check up on me and Ryder when we were by ourselves. that we're invisible to everyone. then the incident with Kevin. it's all been hard. and it makes me want to protect my children from ever being hurt like Mike and i have. but i know that, no matter what, Ryder and Lyvia have twice the dad ours ever were. but, now. just when i give up on everything and everyone.
there stands my dad.
i can forgive him.
and i do. because he is here now. and now, is when i need him the most.
he changed, since i moved. and that, that's a big deal. Mikes dad will never get it, and it's at the point where we have to cut him from our lives to protect our children. he hasn't learned, and never will. because he is choosing a woman and her two kids, over his own two, and his eldest childs new family. he got a phone call from his own daughter and he called her back and pretended like he didn't know who it was, because his wife was there. he's a bad father, and he will never earn redemption.
no, not like mine. <3
-ksn.
earlier today while Mike and i were driving to Palm Desert, we got to talking about the move and the relationships we felt were important enough to keep when we did. i started talking about my dad and how he was always my rock. and that he had never once judged me.
during my childhood, my mother was solo. she was both mom and dad to all three of us. not until my grandmother passed away did a relationships start between us. he had driven me home to grab a change of clothes for my mom and i, and for me to shower. i was rinsing my hair and my dad knocked on the door, poked his head in, and said, "kimby, we gotta go." the entire drive to the hospital, he kept me calm. he made me believe that things were going to be okay. that i was stronger than i thought. and while everyone in the room lost it, my dad and i were our families rocks. it was the same with my papas funeral. him and i walked across the street from the funeral home to mcdonalds and laughed, and joked about everything, and celebrated my pregnancy, while not one other person really cared. before Michael and i got married, he sat me down. he didn't tell me to think twice, he didn't tell me that i was stupid for rushing into something. he told me to follow my heart and my dreams, and give it all i got. even when he came out here after Lyvia was born, driving to get a pizza from Dominos, he told me everything was going to be okay. there has never been any judgement, belittlement, or hurt. there was an emptiness, a forgiveness, and moving on.
i called my mom tonight and we were talking about the Christmas box she was sending us. and told me that in there were going to be three oddly shaped packages. the small one was for me, the two others were for Mike. they were wrapped.
and they were from my father.
my entire life, my dad has missed so much of my life. i never really thought he cared much about me. he didn't know me. or even want me. he admitted that he didn't want children, and that, looking back, he knew he took everything for granted. that he can admit, that he was a bad dad. i tried so hard to get his attention. i remember small things like watching scary movies in his recliner together, him taking me trick or treating if Halloween fell on a weekend. walking down to Lincolns for a Bunny girl. he wasn't a bad dad, he just... wasn't ever there. not the way a daughter needs him to be.
growing up, and looking back, i didn't need him. i had my mom. my mom was everything to me. how can i want something, or someone, i didn't even know? he taught me more than he thinks he did. he showed me just how much i want for my daughter, with his absence. a father that remembered birthdays and bought Christmas presents that didn't just have his name on it from mom. a father who took his daughter to ballets, or father daughter dances. a dad that made time for his daughter. i can not remember, not one time, in my entire life that he has done something for me before i became a Senior in high school. he took us on vacations and tumbling meets, he went to my state gymnastics meet. he was there to watch, but there was always a gap in between us. not anymore.
my dad doesn't buy gifts, he doesnt do anything special, or sentimental. he gives money, in a clean pair of socks, then asks for them back. this year, he took the time out to get Mike and i different things, and wrap them. he wrapped them. my father. in the history of him being a dad... has never once wrapped a present for any one of us.
when i asked my mom why he did it, she said, "because. he knows you two have been threw a lot the last few years, that you only have each other, and you're on your own. he didn't get Kelly or Kevin anything other than a pair of socks. this is just for you and your husband."
i cried when she told me this. like i am crying now.
these past few weeks have been emotional. i have cried, multiple times, about the simple fact that we have no one. that no one has cared about us, other than my mom, since we moved here. no one called to check up on me and Ryder when we were by ourselves. that we're invisible to everyone. then the incident with Kevin. it's all been hard. and it makes me want to protect my children from ever being hurt like Mike and i have. but i know that, no matter what, Ryder and Lyvia have twice the dad ours ever were. but, now. just when i give up on everything and everyone.
there stands my dad.
i can forgive him.
and i do. because he is here now. and now, is when i need him the most.
he changed, since i moved. and that, that's a big deal. Mikes dad will never get it, and it's at the point where we have to cut him from our lives to protect our children. he hasn't learned, and never will. because he is choosing a woman and her two kids, over his own two, and his eldest childs new family. he got a phone call from his own daughter and he called her back and pretended like he didn't know who it was, because his wife was there. he's a bad father, and he will never earn redemption.
no, not like mine. <3
-ksn.
Monday, December 3, 2012
seventy six.
i am strong and stable.
this entire past week, has been absolutely horrendous. and i am thankful that i am now strong and stable enough to hold it all together when i need to, and let it all out when the day is done. i have always believe in the saying when it rains it pours. and my life has been such a flood this week! i can only hope it gets better from here!
on top of the entire situation with my "family" and Kevin, and now with Mike this past weekend, i have cried myself to sleep almost every night. hat isn't me, at all. and i am doing everything i possibly can to pull myself together. this is not the time i need to be falling apart, my babies need me now, more than ever. i can't help but feel completely alone. but my chin is still high.
i hope that my husband learns something from sleeping on the couch the past 3 nights, and missing out on going to the winter festival and putting up the tree together this weekend because of his actions. i have no idea what has gotten into him, during one of my toughest weeks in a few months. but i have had more than enough.
during the week, every time i would try to talk to him about my feelings on what was happening, he quickly changed the subject to something else, like he didn't even care about what i was saying. i couldnt have been more happy to leave for work on Thursday! Friday he came home from work and i decided we should go to Walmart. we got a little extra on the paycheck for his uniform allowance, and since he didn't need much, it would come in handy for Christmas. i want to spoil my children this year because i have no idea where we will be next year. so while we were there i got more Christmas decorations, a pet stocking for Indy and Roux, a few presents for my niece and nephew, and Ryder some baby snacks. i was only thinking about other people, like i usually do. though, i did get myself some more bubble bath since i'm almost out.
after checking out and spending more than he had planned, he commented that he refused to pay the cable bill now, which is already a week late, because we spent so much at Walmart.
my chin dropped.
i am really, really, really sick of all these rude money comments coming from his mouth. i work, and get a paycheck as well. i just took $300 out of my house savings fund so that he could put new tires on his motorcycle instead of waiting for this check and using that allowance. every single place we go, its always an effing comment about money.
i can not remember the last time he ever, ever handed me money to put aside for our house. not once. so, the whole way home we got into it. he argued that he never spends money. however, not spending and leaving it in the account, is completely different than saving it. i have a Chase savings in my name only, specifically for our house when we move. a few months ago i had almost $1,000 saved. which is nothing thats needed for a house.
i now have less than $300.
i buy 90% of the things we need from bookoo to save money, i never ever do anything for myself. i wanted to go tanning with my paychecks and decided that $40 a month was just too much when i needed to be saving for my childrens future. i have been wanting to get a pedicure but can't bring myself to spend the money. i spend on my children, and thats all. THAT is what makes me happy! and i do so responsibly, and know when to stop. i got the amount of diapers that i wanted and though i look through the sites daily and want to buy more, i don't. because i have my head on straight with money. i might be a little careless now, because i know come January, no one is buying anything that isnt an absolute need. it's Christmas, why not?
when we got home i was too angry to stay in the same room as him, so i decided to go upstairs and wrap Christmas presents for everyone so thats done and out of the way. it's going on 1am when i finish and i walk downstairs.
Ryder is still awake, playing quietly with his toys.
and Mike is asleep on the couch....
AT ONE FUCKING IN THE MORNING!
it took all i had not to punch him. i started yelling and then he tried telling me that Ryder was asleep with him on the couch and he must had gotten up and wanted to play.
HE'S 19 MONTHS OLD MIKE! what the fuck is wrong with you, to just let a baby run around in the middle of the night while you sleep on the couch? who knows what could have happened?! i was pissed, livid! i took my children and went to my room.
couch night number one.
Saturday was awful.
on Thursday and Friday we had housing come to our house and give us warnings about our small dog Mollie. we have had Mollie almost a year, and at least once or twice a month, she weasles her way through the hole in the brick on our patio. if you live in 801, you understand that it's completely unfit for a dog. we have chicken wire, bricks, rocks, boards, fencing, poles, whatever you can block something off with, we have it. but she still finds a way out. Mike lets her out when he leaves for work before 6am. Thursday morning she got out during that time, and she runs around the complex. welllll, she has a barking problem. so, we got complained about, twice. this isn't the first time we have had an issue with her doing so, i understand. but i am also trying to juggle two children and can not run outside to grab her every damn second. so, we were at risk of getting kicked out of housing. all because one rude person couldn't come to us and talk like an adult.
Mollie is now sitting in a shelter.
gosh, as i type this i'm freaking crying.
i hate it out here. Mike didn't want to deal with it anymore, he neglected her anyway. and i didn't want to risk losing my childrens home over a dog. it killed me. Ryder was kissing her through her cage before Mike took her. i couldn't even bother saying goodbye. we have now lost 3 dogs... all because of Mikes neglect to properly putting the fence up, or helping with potty training, or anything or the sort. and nothing makes me more angry than when we Skype with Tiffany and Ma and he gets all excited about Buster, boasting that he raised and trained and cared for that dog for years.
when poor Indy has never ever ever been taken care of by Mike. everything that dog knows, is because of me. when he gets walked, its by me. he needs to be updated on his shots, and needs to get fixed. hes needed to get fixed for 2 and a half years, and never was. and i'll be damned if anything ever happens to my dog. so, i get to juggle two babies and a giant dog next paycheck to take him to get what he needs done because Mike doesn't care about anyone anymore. i just can't keep doing this.
i took the kids to the winter festival without him. a nice little family event and i didn't allow him to go. he took Lyvi to the car while i carried Ryder and walked away. it tore my heart apart to have to tell him to stay home, that he didn't deserve to go. that we were not acting like a family. and i almost told him to get in the car, but i knew i needed to stand my ground. the kids and i had a nice time though, and i'm really glad things happened the way they should have. we went to the PX afterwards and started our tradition of buying them each a special ornament every year, of what theyre into. Ryder got Magician Mickey and Lyvia got Tangled. :)
Ryder went to bed when we got home and i put the tree up by myself, set up for pictures, and took pictures and decorated the tree with Ryder when he woke up. solo. i didn't even think twice on the subject and enjoyed the time with my two little babies.
Mike eventually came home and we ignored each other some more, couch night number two.
Today wasn't much better at all. i decided to get my mother in law a coach purse for Christmas. i feel bad that Mike never even suggested getting her anything for her birthday or any other Christmas, so i took mattes into my own hands and found one i thought she would like. the lady was also selling an all black one that i really liked. so i told him that i would like to get both of them. mine could be my present. he just looked at me and asked if i really needed a 4th Coach purse.
again with the money and shit!
so i just ignored it. i brought it back up to him this morning and he took an hour to answer me. but when i went to talk to him about his present that i'm getting him with my paycheck, he was so quick to tell me which ones he wanted. which, were more expensive than my purse.
i ended up getting both purses anyway, and i'm glad that i did. i love buying my own Christmas presents, had i not. i wouldn't have received anything.
then tonight there was large amounts of laundry that needed to be folded and put away. so i went upstairs to do so. Mike tried putting Ryder to bed at his normal bedtime, without pajamas. again.
Ryder has been going through something where he doesnt want to sleep in his bed alone. even with a bottle. so, he wants you to lay with him while he falls asleep. the past few nights, after yelling at him, Mike has just fallen asleep with him. which, is fine.
falling asleep before him, while hes running around downstairs, is not.
but before i yelled at him, and tonight, he just lays with him for a second, then walks out. and Ryder throws a fit and starts crying and screaming. so Mike tries again, and does the same thing. same results.
i know maybe i shouldnt, but Ryder is still such a little guy. if he needs to be laid with, or held, or rocked to sleep, i'm going to give it to him. eventually he will fall back to sleep on his own. yes, sometimes its frustrating, but i would rather be frustrated than my little guy scared or sad. this started shortly after Lyvi got here, so i think it might have to do with that. who am i to take what comforts him away? so i lay with him every night. sometimes it takes an hour, or longer. but i don't give up, like Mike does. i don't fall asleep too, because there is still things that need to be done. no matter how exhausted i am, life goes on.
so he takes him back downstairs and i go back to folding.
at 11, i go downstair to get Ryder to bed and as i lay with him, he says "hungry"
which is completely unusual to my child. he never tells me hes hungry.
so we go downstairs and get him a small snack and i ask Mike what he had for dinner.
he just looked at me and said, "i can't remember"
which translates into "nothing"
i about lost it. and i asked him how he could not feed his child a meal? a yogurt and some goldfish do not count as a meal! i was so upset. really Mike?
this is twice this weekend i have left my toddler in your care, and you have been completely careless.
i asked him if he had given Indy water (almost types the dogs until i realized we only have one...) and he told me no.
then he told me about the cat incident where she went pee on the pile of clothes. she's a great cat and doesn't have accidents. the only time she does, is when no one opens to laundry room door for her to go potty. most times she lets you know when its closed. so he even neglected to take care of her.
i think the only person he didn't neglect this weekend was Lyvi J, and that was only because she screams and cries until she's fed, and he didn't want to hear it.
so i gave Ryder a snack and we went upstairs and he was asleep in 5 minutes. i go back downstairs, and Mike is already asleep on the couch again. i grab my daughter and he stirs awake. i tell him goodnight, and not to come to bed, and that was that.
i have no idea what the fuck has gotten into him lately. he isn't normally like this. he's always a really good, helpful dad. i ignore his little mess ups because theyre so minor. but this weekend? no. no it was just awful.
now, those people that read my blog and tend to spread what i say to others, don't take this as i am bashing my husband. these are facts of what happened during my weekend and this is my blog that i feel the need to vent about it before i deck him in the testicles. this isn't drama, or whatever else you might start. and no, i'm not getting a divorce because of all this shit. i'm not leaving him, blah blah blah. give him a few black eyes and possibly make it so i have to adopt my next child? maybe. he's not a jackass ALL the time, and other than this weekend, we normally don't deserve better, so. i'm glad i have that cleared up.
its just a hard time, and i have told him this. i'm sad i'm not in indiana with my family for the third Christmas in a row. i am sad that we have to bust our asses off to try to make a life for ourselves. i am completely and utterly stressed to the max on what is to come in 2013. on top of whats been going on with my ex brother, and then the whole Mollie situation, and just being exhausted in general, and not going anywhere but home and work, and being back to square one of sitting in my house all day, this isn't the time. anytime i tried to bring up house hunting and what we're looking for and ANYTHING dealing with the next year of our lives, he ignored me. now is not the time!!!! it's driving me crazy and i pray to whoever i decide to believe in that day, that this doesnt continue.
i know, 100% that i can do this on my own. i know that things would be mighty difficult but i can do anything for my children. i just shouldn't have to. i am saving all i can for our house, i am researching cities and jobs and houses, and finding ones that i like. i am planning our entire future solo. and it isn't like i don't ask him for his help or opinions, he just doesnt have a want to put an input. at this point, i know that if he doesnt get his act together and his head out of his butt, and if i DO have to do all of this on my own and deal with everything, and do whats best for my kids on my own, then he is going to go back and live with his mom. i was talking to Stephanie and she asked me whats going to happen to Mike and i, after i told her i personally couldnt give a fuck about my marriage right now. i know how bad it sounded, but let me explain.
i don't care about my marriage. i don't care about making my husband happy, or fixing things that shouldnt be there in the first place. that doesnt mean we're getting a divorce. it just means i care more about being a good mom and my children, than any man, even if he happens to be the man i married and their dad. i don't have time for games, the roller coaster of bullshit, to be put through these things and not get help when needed. i have to find a good, safe city for my two children. i need to look into good neighborhoods, research getting a loan, save for a down payment and everything else we might need until paychecks start coming in. i, more than likely, will have to find him a job before we leave here. i need to look into public/private/home schooling and decide which is best for us. i need to make sure my children have what they will need when we are struggling with money, so that they come first and foremost, every single time. i need to find a house that fits our wants and needs, and figure out what to keep and what to sell before we move. i have so much to think about, my husband means very little right now. especially when he doesnt seem to care about anyone but himself. for once i am making grown up choices and pushing him out of the picture while i focus on what i need to in life. i refuse to dwell and be sad when i need to be strong and stable for my two babies. i need to take the wheel and get things done. and i might not have him in my corner, but i sure as shit have a lot of other people.
2013 might be the most difficult year of my life. and i know that i am ready. that i can do this. with or without help. there was a lot of factors in playing why i want to move into our forever home, rather than move back to Hobart, adn the biggest part is stability. ever since Mike and i have been together nothing has been stable. we havent had a permanent home, neither have the kids. we have always known this as a temporary home. if we move back to Hobart, it would be the same thing. i just want my kids to have a home, a home they can grow into, a place where i can measure them in the doorway every year and watch them grow. a yard where my dog can run around in and go crazy. i want to start my little families forever. the smart thing yes, would be to move back to Hobart and go from there, take it day by day. but this is the first time in our relationship that we can actually choose our life, do what we have always dreamt of. i don't want to settle anymore. i want a house, our own house. and i know that i can make it work. with, or without his help. but i'll be damned if i work my ass off for my family and he skates by and expects to be part of that new life.
as much as my mom and i disagree sometimes, i am extremely glad she raised me as she did. she taught me to be independent, and showed me how to do things on my own. that i will never need a man to make things work. that all i needed were my kids and i had it all. i have never felt so strong as i do, sitting here, with both my beautiful babies asleep, one on either side of me. and Roux sleeping at our feet. i am prepared to take on this new life solo, or as a family. that choice is his. regardless, my plan is to be in Saginaw, Michigan, in October. <3
bring it on.
this entire past week, has been absolutely horrendous. and i am thankful that i am now strong and stable enough to hold it all together when i need to, and let it all out when the day is done. i have always believe in the saying when it rains it pours. and my life has been such a flood this week! i can only hope it gets better from here!
on top of the entire situation with my "family" and Kevin, and now with Mike this past weekend, i have cried myself to sleep almost every night. hat isn't me, at all. and i am doing everything i possibly can to pull myself together. this is not the time i need to be falling apart, my babies need me now, more than ever. i can't help but feel completely alone. but my chin is still high.
i hope that my husband learns something from sleeping on the couch the past 3 nights, and missing out on going to the winter festival and putting up the tree together this weekend because of his actions. i have no idea what has gotten into him, during one of my toughest weeks in a few months. but i have had more than enough.
during the week, every time i would try to talk to him about my feelings on what was happening, he quickly changed the subject to something else, like he didn't even care about what i was saying. i couldnt have been more happy to leave for work on Thursday! Friday he came home from work and i decided we should go to Walmart. we got a little extra on the paycheck for his uniform allowance, and since he didn't need much, it would come in handy for Christmas. i want to spoil my children this year because i have no idea where we will be next year. so while we were there i got more Christmas decorations, a pet stocking for Indy and Roux, a few presents for my niece and nephew, and Ryder some baby snacks. i was only thinking about other people, like i usually do. though, i did get myself some more bubble bath since i'm almost out.
after checking out and spending more than he had planned, he commented that he refused to pay the cable bill now, which is already a week late, because we spent so much at Walmart.
my chin dropped.
i am really, really, really sick of all these rude money comments coming from his mouth. i work, and get a paycheck as well. i just took $300 out of my house savings fund so that he could put new tires on his motorcycle instead of waiting for this check and using that allowance. every single place we go, its always an effing comment about money.
i can not remember the last time he ever, ever handed me money to put aside for our house. not once. so, the whole way home we got into it. he argued that he never spends money. however, not spending and leaving it in the account, is completely different than saving it. i have a Chase savings in my name only, specifically for our house when we move. a few months ago i had almost $1,000 saved. which is nothing thats needed for a house.
i now have less than $300.
i buy 90% of the things we need from bookoo to save money, i never ever do anything for myself. i wanted to go tanning with my paychecks and decided that $40 a month was just too much when i needed to be saving for my childrens future. i have been wanting to get a pedicure but can't bring myself to spend the money. i spend on my children, and thats all. THAT is what makes me happy! and i do so responsibly, and know when to stop. i got the amount of diapers that i wanted and though i look through the sites daily and want to buy more, i don't. because i have my head on straight with money. i might be a little careless now, because i know come January, no one is buying anything that isnt an absolute need. it's Christmas, why not?
when we got home i was too angry to stay in the same room as him, so i decided to go upstairs and wrap Christmas presents for everyone so thats done and out of the way. it's going on 1am when i finish and i walk downstairs.
Ryder is still awake, playing quietly with his toys.
and Mike is asleep on the couch....
AT ONE FUCKING IN THE MORNING!
it took all i had not to punch him. i started yelling and then he tried telling me that Ryder was asleep with him on the couch and he must had gotten up and wanted to play.
HE'S 19 MONTHS OLD MIKE! what the fuck is wrong with you, to just let a baby run around in the middle of the night while you sleep on the couch? who knows what could have happened?! i was pissed, livid! i took my children and went to my room.
couch night number one.
Saturday was awful.
on Thursday and Friday we had housing come to our house and give us warnings about our small dog Mollie. we have had Mollie almost a year, and at least once or twice a month, she weasles her way through the hole in the brick on our patio. if you live in 801, you understand that it's completely unfit for a dog. we have chicken wire, bricks, rocks, boards, fencing, poles, whatever you can block something off with, we have it. but she still finds a way out. Mike lets her out when he leaves for work before 6am. Thursday morning she got out during that time, and she runs around the complex. welllll, she has a barking problem. so, we got complained about, twice. this isn't the first time we have had an issue with her doing so, i understand. but i am also trying to juggle two children and can not run outside to grab her every damn second. so, we were at risk of getting kicked out of housing. all because one rude person couldn't come to us and talk like an adult.
Mollie is now sitting in a shelter.
gosh, as i type this i'm freaking crying.
i hate it out here. Mike didn't want to deal with it anymore, he neglected her anyway. and i didn't want to risk losing my childrens home over a dog. it killed me. Ryder was kissing her through her cage before Mike took her. i couldn't even bother saying goodbye. we have now lost 3 dogs... all because of Mikes neglect to properly putting the fence up, or helping with potty training, or anything or the sort. and nothing makes me more angry than when we Skype with Tiffany and Ma and he gets all excited about Buster, boasting that he raised and trained and cared for that dog for years.
when poor Indy has never ever ever been taken care of by Mike. everything that dog knows, is because of me. when he gets walked, its by me. he needs to be updated on his shots, and needs to get fixed. hes needed to get fixed for 2 and a half years, and never was. and i'll be damned if anything ever happens to my dog. so, i get to juggle two babies and a giant dog next paycheck to take him to get what he needs done because Mike doesn't care about anyone anymore. i just can't keep doing this.
i took the kids to the winter festival without him. a nice little family event and i didn't allow him to go. he took Lyvi to the car while i carried Ryder and walked away. it tore my heart apart to have to tell him to stay home, that he didn't deserve to go. that we were not acting like a family. and i almost told him to get in the car, but i knew i needed to stand my ground. the kids and i had a nice time though, and i'm really glad things happened the way they should have. we went to the PX afterwards and started our tradition of buying them each a special ornament every year, of what theyre into. Ryder got Magician Mickey and Lyvia got Tangled. :)
Ryder went to bed when we got home and i put the tree up by myself, set up for pictures, and took pictures and decorated the tree with Ryder when he woke up. solo. i didn't even think twice on the subject and enjoyed the time with my two little babies.
Mike eventually came home and we ignored each other some more, couch night number two.
Today wasn't much better at all. i decided to get my mother in law a coach purse for Christmas. i feel bad that Mike never even suggested getting her anything for her birthday or any other Christmas, so i took mattes into my own hands and found one i thought she would like. the lady was also selling an all black one that i really liked. so i told him that i would like to get both of them. mine could be my present. he just looked at me and asked if i really needed a 4th Coach purse.
again with the money and shit!
so i just ignored it. i brought it back up to him this morning and he took an hour to answer me. but when i went to talk to him about his present that i'm getting him with my paycheck, he was so quick to tell me which ones he wanted. which, were more expensive than my purse.
i ended up getting both purses anyway, and i'm glad that i did. i love buying my own Christmas presents, had i not. i wouldn't have received anything.
then tonight there was large amounts of laundry that needed to be folded and put away. so i went upstairs to do so. Mike tried putting Ryder to bed at his normal bedtime, without pajamas. again.
Ryder has been going through something where he doesnt want to sleep in his bed alone. even with a bottle. so, he wants you to lay with him while he falls asleep. the past few nights, after yelling at him, Mike has just fallen asleep with him. which, is fine.
falling asleep before him, while hes running around downstairs, is not.
but before i yelled at him, and tonight, he just lays with him for a second, then walks out. and Ryder throws a fit and starts crying and screaming. so Mike tries again, and does the same thing. same results.
i know maybe i shouldnt, but Ryder is still such a little guy. if he needs to be laid with, or held, or rocked to sleep, i'm going to give it to him. eventually he will fall back to sleep on his own. yes, sometimes its frustrating, but i would rather be frustrated than my little guy scared or sad. this started shortly after Lyvi got here, so i think it might have to do with that. who am i to take what comforts him away? so i lay with him every night. sometimes it takes an hour, or longer. but i don't give up, like Mike does. i don't fall asleep too, because there is still things that need to be done. no matter how exhausted i am, life goes on.
so he takes him back downstairs and i go back to folding.
at 11, i go downstair to get Ryder to bed and as i lay with him, he says "hungry"
which is completely unusual to my child. he never tells me hes hungry.
so we go downstairs and get him a small snack and i ask Mike what he had for dinner.
he just looked at me and said, "i can't remember"
which translates into "nothing"
i about lost it. and i asked him how he could not feed his child a meal? a yogurt and some goldfish do not count as a meal! i was so upset. really Mike?
this is twice this weekend i have left my toddler in your care, and you have been completely careless.
i asked him if he had given Indy water (almost types the dogs until i realized we only have one...) and he told me no.
then he told me about the cat incident where she went pee on the pile of clothes. she's a great cat and doesn't have accidents. the only time she does, is when no one opens to laundry room door for her to go potty. most times she lets you know when its closed. so he even neglected to take care of her.
i think the only person he didn't neglect this weekend was Lyvi J, and that was only because she screams and cries until she's fed, and he didn't want to hear it.
so i gave Ryder a snack and we went upstairs and he was asleep in 5 minutes. i go back downstairs, and Mike is already asleep on the couch again. i grab my daughter and he stirs awake. i tell him goodnight, and not to come to bed, and that was that.
i have no idea what the fuck has gotten into him lately. he isn't normally like this. he's always a really good, helpful dad. i ignore his little mess ups because theyre so minor. but this weekend? no. no it was just awful.
now, those people that read my blog and tend to spread what i say to others, don't take this as i am bashing my husband. these are facts of what happened during my weekend and this is my blog that i feel the need to vent about it before i deck him in the testicles. this isn't drama, or whatever else you might start. and no, i'm not getting a divorce because of all this shit. i'm not leaving him, blah blah blah. give him a few black eyes and possibly make it so i have to adopt my next child? maybe. he's not a jackass ALL the time, and other than this weekend, we normally don't deserve better, so. i'm glad i have that cleared up.
its just a hard time, and i have told him this. i'm sad i'm not in indiana with my family for the third Christmas in a row. i am sad that we have to bust our asses off to try to make a life for ourselves. i am completely and utterly stressed to the max on what is to come in 2013. on top of whats been going on with my ex brother, and then the whole Mollie situation, and just being exhausted in general, and not going anywhere but home and work, and being back to square one of sitting in my house all day, this isn't the time. anytime i tried to bring up house hunting and what we're looking for and ANYTHING dealing with the next year of our lives, he ignored me. now is not the time!!!! it's driving me crazy and i pray to whoever i decide to believe in that day, that this doesnt continue.
i know, 100% that i can do this on my own. i know that things would be mighty difficult but i can do anything for my children. i just shouldn't have to. i am saving all i can for our house, i am researching cities and jobs and houses, and finding ones that i like. i am planning our entire future solo. and it isn't like i don't ask him for his help or opinions, he just doesnt have a want to put an input. at this point, i know that if he doesnt get his act together and his head out of his butt, and if i DO have to do all of this on my own and deal with everything, and do whats best for my kids on my own, then he is going to go back and live with his mom. i was talking to Stephanie and she asked me whats going to happen to Mike and i, after i told her i personally couldnt give a fuck about my marriage right now. i know how bad it sounded, but let me explain.
i don't care about my marriage. i don't care about making my husband happy, or fixing things that shouldnt be there in the first place. that doesnt mean we're getting a divorce. it just means i care more about being a good mom and my children, than any man, even if he happens to be the man i married and their dad. i don't have time for games, the roller coaster of bullshit, to be put through these things and not get help when needed. i have to find a good, safe city for my two children. i need to look into good neighborhoods, research getting a loan, save for a down payment and everything else we might need until paychecks start coming in. i, more than likely, will have to find him a job before we leave here. i need to look into public/private/home schooling and decide which is best for us. i need to make sure my children have what they will need when we are struggling with money, so that they come first and foremost, every single time. i need to find a house that fits our wants and needs, and figure out what to keep and what to sell before we move. i have so much to think about, my husband means very little right now. especially when he doesnt seem to care about anyone but himself. for once i am making grown up choices and pushing him out of the picture while i focus on what i need to in life. i refuse to dwell and be sad when i need to be strong and stable for my two babies. i need to take the wheel and get things done. and i might not have him in my corner, but i sure as shit have a lot of other people.
2013 might be the most difficult year of my life. and i know that i am ready. that i can do this. with or without help. there was a lot of factors in playing why i want to move into our forever home, rather than move back to Hobart, adn the biggest part is stability. ever since Mike and i have been together nothing has been stable. we havent had a permanent home, neither have the kids. we have always known this as a temporary home. if we move back to Hobart, it would be the same thing. i just want my kids to have a home, a home they can grow into, a place where i can measure them in the doorway every year and watch them grow. a yard where my dog can run around in and go crazy. i want to start my little families forever. the smart thing yes, would be to move back to Hobart and go from there, take it day by day. but this is the first time in our relationship that we can actually choose our life, do what we have always dreamt of. i don't want to settle anymore. i want a house, our own house. and i know that i can make it work. with, or without his help. but i'll be damned if i work my ass off for my family and he skates by and expects to be part of that new life.
as much as my mom and i disagree sometimes, i am extremely glad she raised me as she did. she taught me to be independent, and showed me how to do things on my own. that i will never need a man to make things work. that all i needed were my kids and i had it all. i have never felt so strong as i do, sitting here, with both my beautiful babies asleep, one on either side of me. and Roux sleeping at our feet. i am prepared to take on this new life solo, or as a family. that choice is his. regardless, my plan is to be in Saginaw, Michigan, in October. <3
bring it on.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
seventy five.
i have struggled.
my entire life. i have struggled to fit in during school. i have been picked on.
i have been beaten and brusied. and still came out alive. i never gave up. i always fought for what i want. fighting has become my life.
these last few days i have struggled with my heart, on letting my brother go. after sending messages back and forth on Facebook, he told me that he would never regret not having me, or my children in his life.
the things that have happened with my brother and i, have not put a block up with my mom. i'm so, so tired of having to hurt because of all of this. she called me tonight after saying she talked to him, and the things he said.
that he just didnt want to be hurt by me anymore. that he wants to see that i have changed but he wont do that until were home. that i have to learn to deal with the choices i have made, and lost people along the way. that i always bring everyone down with me, in every argument with everyone else. that maybe in time, things will get better. but only when we move back. that he wanted me to be apologetic for calling my aunt a bitch, and trying to make a time of grieving, about me.
i cried while i talked to my mom. i know that this, this is completely over. i have moved 2,200 miles away and have been through so much with my husband, and our two small children, to constantly live in the past. everything happened 2 and a half years ago, that is more than enough time to get over something so small. when i move home, i will need to help Michael find the four (plus 2 furbabies) of us a home, research school districts, find jobs, and struggle to get everything in place. i will not have time to patch long ago holes. my children, husband, and i, are not a convenience, to anyone. i just dont play that way. and i know that one day i will have to explain to my children who he is, and why he isnt in their life. and knowing that one simple fact, i put my foot down, and told him goodbye.
the moment i first held my son. every piece of my past fell away from me. every person that picked on me, every mean thing that was ever said. everyone that judged me for every little thing i said, wore, done, or choice. it didnt matter anymore. i had just created a life, a small perfect human being. i promised myself to let go, and live for a thousand tomorrows with my son, and now my daughter. i know that if i make every possible good decision for their lives from now, until the time that i die, then i know i will have done something right. that, is what truly matters to me. and i can do nothing more, than push forward in my life. without him by my side.
growing up, kevin was my hero. our father wasnt around, and he stepped in. i always wanted to be just like him. and now, now i am thankful that i am nothing like him at all. i have the want to forgive people for hurting me. for allowing people second chances, because everyone does deserve them. i have the power within me, to move past things and see the good left in people, and not just their bad decisions and mistakes. i have the ability to love, and love with everything that i have. i have nothing bad to say about my brother except that this is no ones loss but his own. and that we will all survive just fine without him. that he didnt deserve the spot of being my hero for so long.
whenever i heard the song "wind beneath my wings" i always thought of Kevin. i always thought that i really could fly higher than an eagle with him under my wings. but look at how far i have flown, how high i have soared, without him there at all. had i followed in his footsteps, had i done everything "right" to his perspective, i would have never met the wonderful man in my life, or had either one of our two beautiful children. i will never regret that, because they are the single most important people in my life. i know that i can walk away knowing that i have tried. time and time again. and i hope he realizes that i am gone, forever. i hope for once, he hurts. i hope he sheds a tear at losing his little sister, and never getting the chance to know his third and fourth nephew and niece. and that he will never see the happiness we all have in our lives. but i will never regret anything, not even for a minute.
i know that i have so many more people by my side, than the ones that i have lost. i have all of you, reading this, right now. i know you are all on my side, and with me every step of the way. you, have all become family. you all show me, every single day, that i am exactly where i need to be. you come to me asking for advice, asking for me to keep your secrets, you ask me my thoughts and opinions and ask for help. you look up to me, for all my choices, for all i have been through, and how strong i am. i am me, because of him. or rather, the lack of him anyway. i couldnt be happier with my life. its time to let go and move on. and teach my children to be better than that to one another. there is no time left, only goodbye.
watch me spread my wings, and fly.
-ksn.
my entire life. i have struggled to fit in during school. i have been picked on.
i have been beaten and brusied. and still came out alive. i never gave up. i always fought for what i want. fighting has become my life.
these last few days i have struggled with my heart, on letting my brother go. after sending messages back and forth on Facebook, he told me that he would never regret not having me, or my children in his life.
the things that have happened with my brother and i, have not put a block up with my mom. i'm so, so tired of having to hurt because of all of this. she called me tonight after saying she talked to him, and the things he said.
that he just didnt want to be hurt by me anymore. that he wants to see that i have changed but he wont do that until were home. that i have to learn to deal with the choices i have made, and lost people along the way. that i always bring everyone down with me, in every argument with everyone else. that maybe in time, things will get better. but only when we move back. that he wanted me to be apologetic for calling my aunt a bitch, and trying to make a time of grieving, about me.
i cried while i talked to my mom. i know that this, this is completely over. i have moved 2,200 miles away and have been through so much with my husband, and our two small children, to constantly live in the past. everything happened 2 and a half years ago, that is more than enough time to get over something so small. when i move home, i will need to help Michael find the four (plus 2 furbabies) of us a home, research school districts, find jobs, and struggle to get everything in place. i will not have time to patch long ago holes. my children, husband, and i, are not a convenience, to anyone. i just dont play that way. and i know that one day i will have to explain to my children who he is, and why he isnt in their life. and knowing that one simple fact, i put my foot down, and told him goodbye.
the moment i first held my son. every piece of my past fell away from me. every person that picked on me, every mean thing that was ever said. everyone that judged me for every little thing i said, wore, done, or choice. it didnt matter anymore. i had just created a life, a small perfect human being. i promised myself to let go, and live for a thousand tomorrows with my son, and now my daughter. i know that if i make every possible good decision for their lives from now, until the time that i die, then i know i will have done something right. that, is what truly matters to me. and i can do nothing more, than push forward in my life. without him by my side.
growing up, kevin was my hero. our father wasnt around, and he stepped in. i always wanted to be just like him. and now, now i am thankful that i am nothing like him at all. i have the want to forgive people for hurting me. for allowing people second chances, because everyone does deserve them. i have the power within me, to move past things and see the good left in people, and not just their bad decisions and mistakes. i have the ability to love, and love with everything that i have. i have nothing bad to say about my brother except that this is no ones loss but his own. and that we will all survive just fine without him. that he didnt deserve the spot of being my hero for so long.
whenever i heard the song "wind beneath my wings" i always thought of Kevin. i always thought that i really could fly higher than an eagle with him under my wings. but look at how far i have flown, how high i have soared, without him there at all. had i followed in his footsteps, had i done everything "right" to his perspective, i would have never met the wonderful man in my life, or had either one of our two beautiful children. i will never regret that, because they are the single most important people in my life. i know that i can walk away knowing that i have tried. time and time again. and i hope he realizes that i am gone, forever. i hope for once, he hurts. i hope he sheds a tear at losing his little sister, and never getting the chance to know his third and fourth nephew and niece. and that he will never see the happiness we all have in our lives. but i will never regret anything, not even for a minute.
i know that i have so many more people by my side, than the ones that i have lost. i have all of you, reading this, right now. i know you are all on my side, and with me every step of the way. you, have all become family. you all show me, every single day, that i am exactly where i need to be. you come to me asking for advice, asking for me to keep your secrets, you ask me my thoughts and opinions and ask for help. you look up to me, for all my choices, for all i have been through, and how strong i am. i am me, because of him. or rather, the lack of him anyway. i couldnt be happier with my life. its time to let go and move on. and teach my children to be better than that to one another. there is no time left, only goodbye.
watch me spread my wings, and fly.
-ksn.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
seventy four.
holy hormones.
its less than a year before we move home.
home, a word i don't really know anymore. i know my home with Mike and our babies. our crazy giant dog and kitty that has no name.
but what is "home", back home?
my heart starts to race when i think about driving back on those Indiana roads. to hold my childrens hands as we walk up the porch steps to the place i have lived in since the day i was born. and one thought consumes me, only one.
my brother.
watching Ryder and Lyvi, and how close they are already, always brings me back to my brother. and knowing my two beautiful children will be sleeping in the same bedroom that Kevin and i once shared, knowing there is no more us, its so hard.
i put up this big front, saying that Kevin not wanting to be part of our lives doesnt bother me, but how can it not? i spent years looking up to him, just as my daughter looks up to my son. how can i, now, more than ever, just let it all go.
maybe if i understood, maybe then i could let it go. maybe if i was a bad person, if i continued to make irresponsible decision after mistake, after mistake. but that isn't it at all.
in January, it will be five years since my brother threw me out of his life.
i started dating Billy, a guy on his track team, i broke that rule, that stupid little code of sisters not allowed to date anyone their brother knows apparently. Billy beat me, he abused me, he hated me, and he made me hate myself. the time where i needed my brother the most, was when he wanted nothing to do with me. i wish he knew what i went through, and him abandoning me, made me stay with Billy even longer. but then, i got away.
when i met my husband, i was at my all time low. i had lost myself, i had lost my family, and i had never felt more alone. Mike brought out something in me that i didn't even know existed. i fell for him hard, and fast. but this wasn't like all the other times. this was something, so much more amazing. and look at where we are now? to my brother, i married a man i barely knew and got knocked up and moved across the country. he will never see that i escaped the abuse, fell for someone that actually cares about me and treats me well, and we have a beautiful family. that because of Michael, i grew up. i became the responsible adult. in all honesty, it was because of him that i didn't become wreckless to myself and get mixed up in the wrong things. it was because of my husband, that everything changed.
my mom tells me that once we move back, things might be different. that he might realize i am not that wild and crazy 19 year old, falling in love with anyone with a penis, and trying to run away with the first guy that looks my way. that maybe he will understand that what i did, really was what i was meant to do. I'm not 16 years old anymore. and even though some days i want to walk away from my marriage, and throw some shoes at Mike on the way out the door, i have stayed faithful and loved him through it all. every day and all the time. i have stayed and stuck through this marriage, through all the ups and downs. i gave birth in a hospital, 2,200 miles from home, with no one in the room with me. i brought my first child home to an empty house, and raised him 100% solo for the first six months. it was me who rocked him to sleep every single night, who stayed up at all hours comforting him. it was me that did all of that, held my little family together across an ocean, paid every bill, and took care of everything that needed to be done. that, in itself, should prove to him that i am not who he thinks i am. that i corrected my childish mistakes a long time ago. that i am someone to always be proud of.
i got married when i was 21 years old, to a man that i barely knew.
that was just the beginning.
in the last 3 and a half years i have fought to stay in this marriage, i have struggled through everything, every day, along the way. i have birthed two amazing babies, and am raising them both to be proper, polite, and well behaved little beings. i have taught my son everything that he knows, and he is above his age level. i work when i can, and am a house wife when i can't. i am a Marine Wife, a full time mother, a part time tumbling teacher. on Friday and Saturday nights i stay up late watching toons and Disney movies with my babies that do not want to sleep. i can not, for the life of me, remember when i did something for myself that did not involve my children. i put everyone before me, from the second i wake up, until the moment i close my eyes. and that still isn't enough.
having my own family means more to me than ever before. it is the only thing that is important to me right now. and doing whats best for my babies. but with moving back, everything is suddenly coming to the surface, just one more thing that i do not need. it hurts, a lot more than i care to admit. i have made amends with everyone else, but my own siblings. its such an awful feeling and every time it comes up with my mom, she gives me the guilt trip, like this is my fault. regardless of where this all started, i clearly righted my mistake.
moving back to Indiana, sets me up for more heartbreak than i care to want to deal with right now. i get to walk back into a state filled with terrible memories in every single place we could go. i have to either walk back into a family where i will never be accepted, or learn to just brush it off and avoid every holiday with them. i get to live in a house where i have so many memories of my brother that refuses to acknowledge that i, my husband, and our children exist. i don't know what to do anymore. i have been doing just fine, until i think about moving back to that house where we grew up in, knowing i have to pretend that i am an only child.
:sighs:
this is killing me. on top of everything else my family and i have to go through in the next few months, and stress of it all. here i am sitting up late at night thinking about dumb shit that shouldnt even be happening. all because a family member tagged us both in a picture from a few years ago, right before we moved out here. i know that this is it. if nothing comes of all of this, before we move home, there is going to be even more drastic decisions to be made. i know i have to keep strong for my kids.
i know this isn't my fault. that this stopped being my fault years ago.
i just hope i can hold it all together well enough to make all the choices i need to make for my children.
pack up, and leave everything behind, and start over somewhere else.
fingers crossed.
-ksn.
its less than a year before we move home.
home, a word i don't really know anymore. i know my home with Mike and our babies. our crazy giant dog and kitty that has no name.
but what is "home", back home?
my heart starts to race when i think about driving back on those Indiana roads. to hold my childrens hands as we walk up the porch steps to the place i have lived in since the day i was born. and one thought consumes me, only one.
my brother.
watching Ryder and Lyvi, and how close they are already, always brings me back to my brother. and knowing my two beautiful children will be sleeping in the same bedroom that Kevin and i once shared, knowing there is no more us, its so hard.
i put up this big front, saying that Kevin not wanting to be part of our lives doesnt bother me, but how can it not? i spent years looking up to him, just as my daughter looks up to my son. how can i, now, more than ever, just let it all go.
maybe if i understood, maybe then i could let it go. maybe if i was a bad person, if i continued to make irresponsible decision after mistake, after mistake. but that isn't it at all.
in January, it will be five years since my brother threw me out of his life.
i started dating Billy, a guy on his track team, i broke that rule, that stupid little code of sisters not allowed to date anyone their brother knows apparently. Billy beat me, he abused me, he hated me, and he made me hate myself. the time where i needed my brother the most, was when he wanted nothing to do with me. i wish he knew what i went through, and him abandoning me, made me stay with Billy even longer. but then, i got away.
when i met my husband, i was at my all time low. i had lost myself, i had lost my family, and i had never felt more alone. Mike brought out something in me that i didn't even know existed. i fell for him hard, and fast. but this wasn't like all the other times. this was something, so much more amazing. and look at where we are now? to my brother, i married a man i barely knew and got knocked up and moved across the country. he will never see that i escaped the abuse, fell for someone that actually cares about me and treats me well, and we have a beautiful family. that because of Michael, i grew up. i became the responsible adult. in all honesty, it was because of him that i didn't become wreckless to myself and get mixed up in the wrong things. it was because of my husband, that everything changed.
my mom tells me that once we move back, things might be different. that he might realize i am not that wild and crazy 19 year old, falling in love with anyone with a penis, and trying to run away with the first guy that looks my way. that maybe he will understand that what i did, really was what i was meant to do. I'm not 16 years old anymore. and even though some days i want to walk away from my marriage, and throw some shoes at Mike on the way out the door, i have stayed faithful and loved him through it all. every day and all the time. i have stayed and stuck through this marriage, through all the ups and downs. i gave birth in a hospital, 2,200 miles from home, with no one in the room with me. i brought my first child home to an empty house, and raised him 100% solo for the first six months. it was me who rocked him to sleep every single night, who stayed up at all hours comforting him. it was me that did all of that, held my little family together across an ocean, paid every bill, and took care of everything that needed to be done. that, in itself, should prove to him that i am not who he thinks i am. that i corrected my childish mistakes a long time ago. that i am someone to always be proud of.
i got married when i was 21 years old, to a man that i barely knew.
that was just the beginning.
in the last 3 and a half years i have fought to stay in this marriage, i have struggled through everything, every day, along the way. i have birthed two amazing babies, and am raising them both to be proper, polite, and well behaved little beings. i have taught my son everything that he knows, and he is above his age level. i work when i can, and am a house wife when i can't. i am a Marine Wife, a full time mother, a part time tumbling teacher. on Friday and Saturday nights i stay up late watching toons and Disney movies with my babies that do not want to sleep. i can not, for the life of me, remember when i did something for myself that did not involve my children. i put everyone before me, from the second i wake up, until the moment i close my eyes. and that still isn't enough.
having my own family means more to me than ever before. it is the only thing that is important to me right now. and doing whats best for my babies. but with moving back, everything is suddenly coming to the surface, just one more thing that i do not need. it hurts, a lot more than i care to admit. i have made amends with everyone else, but my own siblings. its such an awful feeling and every time it comes up with my mom, she gives me the guilt trip, like this is my fault. regardless of where this all started, i clearly righted my mistake.
moving back to Indiana, sets me up for more heartbreak than i care to want to deal with right now. i get to walk back into a state filled with terrible memories in every single place we could go. i have to either walk back into a family where i will never be accepted, or learn to just brush it off and avoid every holiday with them. i get to live in a house where i have so many memories of my brother that refuses to acknowledge that i, my husband, and our children exist. i don't know what to do anymore. i have been doing just fine, until i think about moving back to that house where we grew up in, knowing i have to pretend that i am an only child.
:sighs:
this is killing me. on top of everything else my family and i have to go through in the next few months, and stress of it all. here i am sitting up late at night thinking about dumb shit that shouldnt even be happening. all because a family member tagged us both in a picture from a few years ago, right before we moved out here. i know that this is it. if nothing comes of all of this, before we move home, there is going to be even more drastic decisions to be made. i know i have to keep strong for my kids.
i know this isn't my fault. that this stopped being my fault years ago.
i just hope i can hold it all together well enough to make all the choices i need to make for my children.
pack up, and leave everything behind, and start over somewhere else.
fingers crossed.
-ksn.
Monday, November 12, 2012
seventy three.
here we are again.
i have decided with everything i am going through, to start my blog again. i do not feel the need to start over completely, because my life is still going. strong and steady, every single day. so many changes have happened since i last posted, and so many new things are about to come. please excuse the next half a book full of jumbled up garbage as i clear my brain.
i have started a new job!
finally, after two years of being out here and being pregnant, i walked into a job i have been wanting three weeks after Lyvi J was born. i work as a tumbling teacher at a small Studio in the desert. i couldnt be more thankful to be given this opportunity, but it has a price.
its kind of like, a bad relationship.
i love going in and seeing the girls work hard and learn new things, and hear about their dad. but i don't coach along side my mom anymore, these girls are not OUR girls. and a lot of these girls remind me of the gym back home. i miss our gym, i miss everything about home lately. walking into the studio, knowing i will either be teaching alone, or with melissa, breaks my heart a little bit. there is no purple and white, it's simply panel mats, and melissa and i teach completely different. honestly, most days i feel intimidated by her, rather than what i have always felt at Merrillville. i'm sure that's because i grew up in that gym, Diane and Shenley and Nick have known me since before i was born, and those girls, were ours. i was looked up to, i knew how to have a voice. here, things are just completely different. for awhile after i started i knew i was going to be sad to leave it all behind, after spending a year with eveyrone. but lately i just can not wait to go home. my mom told me that Diane asked when i was coming home, they ask about the babies, and how we all are doing. Shen is like a big sister to me and i know i can talk to her about anything. at the Studio i feel like my life is private, that i don't have any sort of connection with anyone at all. maybe thats just me not coming out of my bubble and i hope soon that things change. i think i just left my confidence back on that purple rod floor.
Mike and i have been doing amazing. it really amazes me how far we have come in the last 3 months. we are a team, and a damned good one at that. we are beginning to learn to juggle life, the babies, ourselves, and each other. we seem to communicate a little better now. we still don't have much time to be a married couple but as long as our babies are happy, thats all i can ask for. our time will come, i just know it. right now there is too much more important things to focus on.
we have decided to get out of the Marine Corps as soon as we can, and try our hand at moving home. we're both terrified. we have a lot to risk with two children now. we have so much to think about, but i really think it's time to leave this life behind. in the last few months it has made us realize this more than ever. i miss my mom, i want to have a better relationship with my in laws, i want to share my children. i want to be able to go to work without having to worry about who and where my children are staying. i honestly, just want to stop worrying so much.
moving home, hits a completely different string lately as well. i want to move home and be near the few people i would like in our lives, but the other part of me wants to run away and never look back. since moving out here i have realized that... no one really cares about me, my life, or my little family. during my most difficult time, not one person called me up to see how i was handling things. no one visited, no one lent a hand. i will give credit where credit is due, and my aunt Cathy did help Mike out while he was out there and we are forever grateful for that. my sister took her family to Disney, and hasn't come to see us. she hasn't even said one word to me about my daughter either. my brother lived 10 hours away from us and didn't talk to me whatsoever during that period of time. in fact, i sent him a photo of Lyvi on halloween and he has to ask me who it was that was texting him. THAT, is why i want nothing to do with family. it hurts me, i can handle that. i can deal better than most. but the moment those actions and people hurt my children, no. that's enough. i will never understand what i did wrong, to anyone. and as much as my mom wants us to all get along when i move home, and reconcile with one another, i know that will not happen. i refuse to allow it to.
my children are everything to me. Ryder is growing up so fast, but not too fast in many ways. he's still a little snuggle bug, and is a baby at heart. but he knows so many words and he is so smart, it never ceases to amaze me. he is still my rock, and things have calmed down a lot since his sister was born. Lyvi J is already over 3 months old and such a little doll. she giggles and smiles all the time and has the sweetest little personality. i have switched them to cloth diapers, which i sadly admit is my new hobby, and i have a tad bit of a problem. i am also pretty excited about the money we will save, once i cut myself off from buying them. it took awhile to convince Mike of it, but after talking and researching and discussing for about a week, he caved and gave me the go ahead to give it a shot. he likes it now too, it's become part of our every day life. it's a nice little thing between us, and it makes me feel better about my babies booties. plus, theyre freaking adorable! :) Sunbaby's are our favorites, all the way!
i have been looking more into what we need to do and what we want for our little family of four (eventualy to be five, i hope!) when we move back home. right now the game plan is to move back to Hobart into my old home for about 6 months. get on our feet, try to save a little with jobs we hope to find, and then FINALLY settle down in southern Michigan, less than 3 hours from home. the crime rate is sky rocketing in the cities we grew up in and we want more for our children. we also want to be close to our families, but not TOO close. i would like to send the kids to private schools and live in a neighborhood that i feel safe in. we want a 4 bedroom home, with a garage and a big backyard. and, if i have my way, a big bath tub i can fill with bubbles and relax every night! looking into homes already gives me butterflies. and i know we need to get our heads in the game and figure a lot out before heading back to Indiana. we're both scared that things might fail but its something we need to, and want to do for our children. and for ourselves as well. we want to settle down, stay there for a little while, in a home that is completely ours, all ours. for the rest of our lives.
being out here has changed our lives so much. California is the place that we brought our babies home too. it was the first place we officially lived together. we have found and lost friends along the way. its where i stayed during Deployment, where i said goodbye, and hello to my husband. its where we have settled for the last 2 and a half years. i am so amazed at the life we have been given and how far we have come. we have amazing friends, and people we consider family. people that love our children and want whats best for them. i have two brothers that are always there for us, one i can sit and cry in front of and him know exactly what to say. friends... that have turned into family. and i could not ask for more.
i am so excited to go back home and start a new life with our old friends as well. i am so happy that Jon is back in our lives despite the past. i am hoping to get closer to my sister in law, and put everything behind us and move forward. even Sable and i talk more often now than not and i am able to come to terms with what happened in the past and leave it there. i can't wait to have playdates with Aleda, Khloie, and Mattilyn, and Liz and Hayden, and show my amazing kids and handsome ass husband off to the people that ever doubted me. i can't wait to be able to go on dates with Mike too, and take the kids to Chicago and go see Mimi and Pops and Gma! i get chills everytime i think about our fresh start right around the corner!!!
i was recently in a situation where i was trying everything i possibly could to help someone, and today it completely back fired in my face. a girl from home married a Marine out here a few weeks ago, that she had just met the week before. Mike and i know this man and know he isn't a good person, and that things were going to fall apart. on her roadtrip here i tried to keep her mind positive, because i know how hard leaving your family is. from day one in marriage, she was complaining. she complained that he was sick and he was annoying her with being so needy, then their tire went flat and she was complaining about money. when she got out here, i had a little get together and was hoping she would come. i, in no means, like her husband whatsoever. he cheated on my best friend and did what he did to Sheena, to her, he tried to take my husbands billet out from under him, and he has a child out there in the world he refuses to take responsibility for. he went home for his brothers wedding, and got married to her on the same day he had told my best friend they were getting married. after talking further into her time home she told me that he got her a phone she didn't want, she didn't pick the wedding date, or the house she was moving to. my mind set off red flags, so i kept talking to her. the night of the get together she told me they were not coming because her husband did not like me and wouldnt get over it. i had planned the get together for them, so she could meet a few new people and just relax and get to know the lifestyle. i was really upset, i was trying to help, and she just blew it off.
the next week went by and i asked her out to lunch and she constantly stopped responding and texted back hours later. finally i asked her what the heck the deal was and she told me that Nick didn't want her to hang out with me because he didn't like me and didn't want me to get in between them. at this, i laughed. how many times have Mike and i had people trying to come between us? no matter what is said, if you're a couple that is suppose to be together, it's going to work regardless. i had told her i didn't have time, nor care, about their marriage. that i cared about her. she said it wasn't worth the argument with her husband to find a friend out here. mind you, they just moved into a house. they have no furniture whatsoever.no cable or internet, she sits alone in an empty house all day.
further into the conversation she said she was unhappy. that they werent giving her new husband his BAH until the first and they had no idea how they were suppose to pay for rent, the bills, the ball. she was upset because she couldnt afford to get her hair done. i asked her what bills they had and she said his bike payment of $400 a month, a ring loan, a personal loan, a credit card, and other things. i get to thinking that even with BAH, that doesn't leave much at all. she said they were spending $15 a week for laundry at the laundry mat. i told her she was welcome to come over and do however many loads she needed, so they could save that money. she replied saying thanks but no thanks, Nick wouldnt allow it. i asked if she was on his bank account, or if she had her ID or base stickers, or any food int he house and she told me no. i was in shock. you just married this man, and he has NOTHING taken care of, at all? you're in a marriage that you havent decided one thing at all? it made me sick to my stomach. i told her i was about to head out to get the kids and i lunch, and i would like to pick her up and treat her. i never heard back from her.this was on Tuesday.
today she randomly texts me out of nowhere telling me that she has made a new little family out here and she was so happy to have made such great friends. she said she was over at the Boyds.
(backstory) Monique and i stopped being friends right after i started working. she was suppose to watch the kids on a certain day, but when i asked her to watch them she told me that she couldnt, her dad was in town. she sees her dad almost every other weekend. once again when i needed her, she wasn't there for me. this make ohh, about 7 times already!? so i was looking for a new babysitter and her friend saw my post and told her about it. she sent me this long text message saying that she was done with me, that she goes above and beyond for me all the time and it means nothing to me. that she has done SO much for me, whatever. it didn't bug me, because after i got off work, i was going to do the same. there wasn't a point in trying for such a pathetic friendship. i know you all reading this will shake your head and say it should have happened a long time ago, haha. anyway, just to completely end things and to clear my conscience, i texted her husband anonymously, sharing her little secret from Deployment. of course it created drama, but, it's over now.
back to the subject.
Sheena would not have texted me to make friendly chit chat, she has never done so before. especially since we don't have a friendship in the first place due to her controlling husband. clearly, things were said at this little party they were throwing, thats why she attempted to rub things in my face, but later claim that she thought i would be happy for her. i told her to enjoy my leftovers, and then she texted Sable telling her that i was saying i had slept with Nick.
:facepalm:
dear freaking lord. that sent me off. i wouldnt touch that piece of shit with a ten foot pole! then she said that i was jealous because she had real friends like Monique, Taylor, and Kristine. which made me laugh even harder. two of the three are leaving within a month, and we all know how Monique is with keeping friends. so i had to ask her if she fell for everyone that she just met, which, i laughed at even harder. it escalated from there, and it ended.
for some reason, this entire thing pisses me off. i know it shouldnt, but it really does. here, i tried so hard to be nice and help someone out, and they wouldnt let me because of something stupid. and then drama starts for no reason at all. she called me mean and a backstabber, which i'm sure were Moniques words, but i have never once, hurt anyone. not nearly as much as they have hurt me. ever. i'm worried about her, she's already in a very unstable relationship,, but i know i shouldnt waste my time on it. and i wont be anymore, there isn't a point. i'm done.
i thought for awhile that maybe i was jealous. that Nick fell for her and wanted to marry her right away, while Mike wanted to wait. but i now know that isn't true at all. Nick told everyone, even before he met Sheena, that he was going to be married by the end of the year. he sweet talked Amber and Lindsay until i stopped them. Sheena was just dumb enough to fall for it, Nick only wants a wife. they don't know each other at all, adn i know before too long she won't be able to stand it anymore.
however, the good that came out of all of it, is that it made me more thankful for my own marriage and the way we did things. we rushed some things, but we weren't crazy stupid about it. although we have had many fights and almost called it quits a few times, he has still supported me, never once controlled me, and took care of things. we have never struggled to pay rent, or buy food. he has always been honest with me, on everything, and we have worked together as an amazing team. their situation is just, terrible in a thousand different ways. i wished her luck, i know shes going to need it.
well, thats my little ramble mumbo jumbo for the night. i'm pretty tired. sleep is a rare thing around here, for both of us. and lately, it hasnt even been the baby! just Mister Ryder going through a phase. but at least he still needs us and we are always there for him. we take such great pride in knowing we are amazing parents! :D
i plan to blog from time to time. and dig down deep and talk about things the way that i use to. i have missed writing so much. i hope you have all missed it as well. i refuse to let people get to me about it all. these are my words, and no one will ever take that away from me!
you know you love me.
xoxo.
-ks.
i have decided with everything i am going through, to start my blog again. i do not feel the need to start over completely, because my life is still going. strong and steady, every single day. so many changes have happened since i last posted, and so many new things are about to come. please excuse the next half a book full of jumbled up garbage as i clear my brain.
i have started a new job!
finally, after two years of being out here and being pregnant, i walked into a job i have been wanting three weeks after Lyvi J was born. i work as a tumbling teacher at a small Studio in the desert. i couldnt be more thankful to be given this opportunity, but it has a price.
its kind of like, a bad relationship.
i love going in and seeing the girls work hard and learn new things, and hear about their dad. but i don't coach along side my mom anymore, these girls are not OUR girls. and a lot of these girls remind me of the gym back home. i miss our gym, i miss everything about home lately. walking into the studio, knowing i will either be teaching alone, or with melissa, breaks my heart a little bit. there is no purple and white, it's simply panel mats, and melissa and i teach completely different. honestly, most days i feel intimidated by her, rather than what i have always felt at Merrillville. i'm sure that's because i grew up in that gym, Diane and Shenley and Nick have known me since before i was born, and those girls, were ours. i was looked up to, i knew how to have a voice. here, things are just completely different. for awhile after i started i knew i was going to be sad to leave it all behind, after spending a year with eveyrone. but lately i just can not wait to go home. my mom told me that Diane asked when i was coming home, they ask about the babies, and how we all are doing. Shen is like a big sister to me and i know i can talk to her about anything. at the Studio i feel like my life is private, that i don't have any sort of connection with anyone at all. maybe thats just me not coming out of my bubble and i hope soon that things change. i think i just left my confidence back on that purple rod floor.
Mike and i have been doing amazing. it really amazes me how far we have come in the last 3 months. we are a team, and a damned good one at that. we are beginning to learn to juggle life, the babies, ourselves, and each other. we seem to communicate a little better now. we still don't have much time to be a married couple but as long as our babies are happy, thats all i can ask for. our time will come, i just know it. right now there is too much more important things to focus on.
we have decided to get out of the Marine Corps as soon as we can, and try our hand at moving home. we're both terrified. we have a lot to risk with two children now. we have so much to think about, but i really think it's time to leave this life behind. in the last few months it has made us realize this more than ever. i miss my mom, i want to have a better relationship with my in laws, i want to share my children. i want to be able to go to work without having to worry about who and where my children are staying. i honestly, just want to stop worrying so much.
moving home, hits a completely different string lately as well. i want to move home and be near the few people i would like in our lives, but the other part of me wants to run away and never look back. since moving out here i have realized that... no one really cares about me, my life, or my little family. during my most difficult time, not one person called me up to see how i was handling things. no one visited, no one lent a hand. i will give credit where credit is due, and my aunt Cathy did help Mike out while he was out there and we are forever grateful for that. my sister took her family to Disney, and hasn't come to see us. she hasn't even said one word to me about my daughter either. my brother lived 10 hours away from us and didn't talk to me whatsoever during that period of time. in fact, i sent him a photo of Lyvi on halloween and he has to ask me who it was that was texting him. THAT, is why i want nothing to do with family. it hurts me, i can handle that. i can deal better than most. but the moment those actions and people hurt my children, no. that's enough. i will never understand what i did wrong, to anyone. and as much as my mom wants us to all get along when i move home, and reconcile with one another, i know that will not happen. i refuse to allow it to.
my children are everything to me. Ryder is growing up so fast, but not too fast in many ways. he's still a little snuggle bug, and is a baby at heart. but he knows so many words and he is so smart, it never ceases to amaze me. he is still my rock, and things have calmed down a lot since his sister was born. Lyvi J is already over 3 months old and such a little doll. she giggles and smiles all the time and has the sweetest little personality. i have switched them to cloth diapers, which i sadly admit is my new hobby, and i have a tad bit of a problem. i am also pretty excited about the money we will save, once i cut myself off from buying them. it took awhile to convince Mike of it, but after talking and researching and discussing for about a week, he caved and gave me the go ahead to give it a shot. he likes it now too, it's become part of our every day life. it's a nice little thing between us, and it makes me feel better about my babies booties. plus, theyre freaking adorable! :) Sunbaby's are our favorites, all the way!
i have been looking more into what we need to do and what we want for our little family of four (eventualy to be five, i hope!) when we move back home. right now the game plan is to move back to Hobart into my old home for about 6 months. get on our feet, try to save a little with jobs we hope to find, and then FINALLY settle down in southern Michigan, less than 3 hours from home. the crime rate is sky rocketing in the cities we grew up in and we want more for our children. we also want to be close to our families, but not TOO close. i would like to send the kids to private schools and live in a neighborhood that i feel safe in. we want a 4 bedroom home, with a garage and a big backyard. and, if i have my way, a big bath tub i can fill with bubbles and relax every night! looking into homes already gives me butterflies. and i know we need to get our heads in the game and figure a lot out before heading back to Indiana. we're both scared that things might fail but its something we need to, and want to do for our children. and for ourselves as well. we want to settle down, stay there for a little while, in a home that is completely ours, all ours. for the rest of our lives.
being out here has changed our lives so much. California is the place that we brought our babies home too. it was the first place we officially lived together. we have found and lost friends along the way. its where i stayed during Deployment, where i said goodbye, and hello to my husband. its where we have settled for the last 2 and a half years. i am so amazed at the life we have been given and how far we have come. we have amazing friends, and people we consider family. people that love our children and want whats best for them. i have two brothers that are always there for us, one i can sit and cry in front of and him know exactly what to say. friends... that have turned into family. and i could not ask for more.
i am so excited to go back home and start a new life with our old friends as well. i am so happy that Jon is back in our lives despite the past. i am hoping to get closer to my sister in law, and put everything behind us and move forward. even Sable and i talk more often now than not and i am able to come to terms with what happened in the past and leave it there. i can't wait to have playdates with Aleda, Khloie, and Mattilyn, and Liz and Hayden, and show my amazing kids and handsome ass husband off to the people that ever doubted me. i can't wait to be able to go on dates with Mike too, and take the kids to Chicago and go see Mimi and Pops and Gma! i get chills everytime i think about our fresh start right around the corner!!!
i was recently in a situation where i was trying everything i possibly could to help someone, and today it completely back fired in my face. a girl from home married a Marine out here a few weeks ago, that she had just met the week before. Mike and i know this man and know he isn't a good person, and that things were going to fall apart. on her roadtrip here i tried to keep her mind positive, because i know how hard leaving your family is. from day one in marriage, she was complaining. she complained that he was sick and he was annoying her with being so needy, then their tire went flat and she was complaining about money. when she got out here, i had a little get together and was hoping she would come. i, in no means, like her husband whatsoever. he cheated on my best friend and did what he did to Sheena, to her, he tried to take my husbands billet out from under him, and he has a child out there in the world he refuses to take responsibility for. he went home for his brothers wedding, and got married to her on the same day he had told my best friend they were getting married. after talking further into her time home she told me that he got her a phone she didn't want, she didn't pick the wedding date, or the house she was moving to. my mind set off red flags, so i kept talking to her. the night of the get together she told me they were not coming because her husband did not like me and wouldnt get over it. i had planned the get together for them, so she could meet a few new people and just relax and get to know the lifestyle. i was really upset, i was trying to help, and she just blew it off.
the next week went by and i asked her out to lunch and she constantly stopped responding and texted back hours later. finally i asked her what the heck the deal was and she told me that Nick didn't want her to hang out with me because he didn't like me and didn't want me to get in between them. at this, i laughed. how many times have Mike and i had people trying to come between us? no matter what is said, if you're a couple that is suppose to be together, it's going to work regardless. i had told her i didn't have time, nor care, about their marriage. that i cared about her. she said it wasn't worth the argument with her husband to find a friend out here. mind you, they just moved into a house. they have no furniture whatsoever.no cable or internet, she sits alone in an empty house all day.
further into the conversation she said she was unhappy. that they werent giving her new husband his BAH until the first and they had no idea how they were suppose to pay for rent, the bills, the ball. she was upset because she couldnt afford to get her hair done. i asked her what bills they had and she said his bike payment of $400 a month, a ring loan, a personal loan, a credit card, and other things. i get to thinking that even with BAH, that doesn't leave much at all. she said they were spending $15 a week for laundry at the laundry mat. i told her she was welcome to come over and do however many loads she needed, so they could save that money. she replied saying thanks but no thanks, Nick wouldnt allow it. i asked if she was on his bank account, or if she had her ID or base stickers, or any food int he house and she told me no. i was in shock. you just married this man, and he has NOTHING taken care of, at all? you're in a marriage that you havent decided one thing at all? it made me sick to my stomach. i told her i was about to head out to get the kids and i lunch, and i would like to pick her up and treat her. i never heard back from her.this was on Tuesday.
today she randomly texts me out of nowhere telling me that she has made a new little family out here and she was so happy to have made such great friends. she said she was over at the Boyds.
(backstory) Monique and i stopped being friends right after i started working. she was suppose to watch the kids on a certain day, but when i asked her to watch them she told me that she couldnt, her dad was in town. she sees her dad almost every other weekend. once again when i needed her, she wasn't there for me. this make ohh, about 7 times already!? so i was looking for a new babysitter and her friend saw my post and told her about it. she sent me this long text message saying that she was done with me, that she goes above and beyond for me all the time and it means nothing to me. that she has done SO much for me, whatever. it didn't bug me, because after i got off work, i was going to do the same. there wasn't a point in trying for such a pathetic friendship. i know you all reading this will shake your head and say it should have happened a long time ago, haha. anyway, just to completely end things and to clear my conscience, i texted her husband anonymously, sharing her little secret from Deployment. of course it created drama, but, it's over now.
back to the subject.
Sheena would not have texted me to make friendly chit chat, she has never done so before. especially since we don't have a friendship in the first place due to her controlling husband. clearly, things were said at this little party they were throwing, thats why she attempted to rub things in my face, but later claim that she thought i would be happy for her. i told her to enjoy my leftovers, and then she texted Sable telling her that i was saying i had slept with Nick.
:facepalm:
dear freaking lord. that sent me off. i wouldnt touch that piece of shit with a ten foot pole! then she said that i was jealous because she had real friends like Monique, Taylor, and Kristine. which made me laugh even harder. two of the three are leaving within a month, and we all know how Monique is with keeping friends. so i had to ask her if she fell for everyone that she just met, which, i laughed at even harder. it escalated from there, and it ended.
for some reason, this entire thing pisses me off. i know it shouldnt, but it really does. here, i tried so hard to be nice and help someone out, and they wouldnt let me because of something stupid. and then drama starts for no reason at all. she called me mean and a backstabber, which i'm sure were Moniques words, but i have never once, hurt anyone. not nearly as much as they have hurt me. ever. i'm worried about her, she's already in a very unstable relationship,, but i know i shouldnt waste my time on it. and i wont be anymore, there isn't a point. i'm done.
i thought for awhile that maybe i was jealous. that Nick fell for her and wanted to marry her right away, while Mike wanted to wait. but i now know that isn't true at all. Nick told everyone, even before he met Sheena, that he was going to be married by the end of the year. he sweet talked Amber and Lindsay until i stopped them. Sheena was just dumb enough to fall for it, Nick only wants a wife. they don't know each other at all, adn i know before too long she won't be able to stand it anymore.
however, the good that came out of all of it, is that it made me more thankful for my own marriage and the way we did things. we rushed some things, but we weren't crazy stupid about it. although we have had many fights and almost called it quits a few times, he has still supported me, never once controlled me, and took care of things. we have never struggled to pay rent, or buy food. he has always been honest with me, on everything, and we have worked together as an amazing team. their situation is just, terrible in a thousand different ways. i wished her luck, i know shes going to need it.
well, thats my little ramble mumbo jumbo for the night. i'm pretty tired. sleep is a rare thing around here, for both of us. and lately, it hasnt even been the baby! just Mister Ryder going through a phase. but at least he still needs us and we are always there for him. we take such great pride in knowing we are amazing parents! :D
i plan to blog from time to time. and dig down deep and talk about things the way that i use to. i have missed writing so much. i hope you have all missed it as well. i refuse to let people get to me about it all. these are my words, and no one will ever take that away from me!
you know you love me.
xoxo.
-ks.
Monday, September 3, 2012
seventy two.
oi vey.
days seem to keep getting longer and longer, but i am so thankful at the end of the night when i did everything right. this weekend was such a long weekend.
on Friday Mike got home from work early and asked if Colbert and his girl could come over, i said fine and started getting ready. he told me he was going to steal Ryder for a bit, then take him to the park. they come back a little later and he told me he went to get me flowers but everywhere was closed. i just kind of smiled and nodded. this wasn't the first time he has "tried" doing something nice for me and came up with nothing. later i found out he didn't just go to get flowers, he bought oil for his bike too... but i kept folding clothes and cleaning around the house. after they got back from the park, i was straightening my hair. he told my Colbert would be there in a few, and i was sitting in my underwear. so i look at Mike and tell him, point blank. my hair straightener is on, Ryder likes to try to play with it, watch him, and watch him carefully while i run upstairs and change really quick.
i didn't make it to the top of the stairs before i heard my sons scream....
and he continued to scream for over an hour. i was absolutely furious with my husband at this point, who did nothing but piss me off more by watching me comfort my screaming child for something that he himself did! i took my baby and sat him on the toilet lid and he lifted his right hand to my mouth to kiss after i asked him where his ouchies were. then i saw his little tiny fingers blistering up. that's when my anger grew. i ran his fingers under cool water, i put neosporin on his fingers, i held him, rocked him, bounced him, while he clung to me, just screaming. i started bawling my eyes out and decided that i HAD to do something. so i grabbed my flip flops and walked out the door.
i just drove around for a little bit, trying to calm him down, and he ended up falling asleep but i decided i needed to take him to the emergency room, just to be sure. i had left Mike with Lyvi back at home, so it was just little man and i. i left in such a hurry that i didn't have time to grab him a bottle or a snack or anything, i was hoping it wouldnt take too long.
wrong.
apparently it was a super busy night there. and since Mike was at home, and i was sitting waiting, i couldnt get my son anything to eat or drink. we sat there for 5 hours, before even being called back there. and i am so thankful to a Marine there with his daughter, who also left in a hurry, that he went to make sure everything was turned off in his home, and came back and brought us a sandwhich and a water. that little act of kindness, really made the difference.
finally, almost an hour after my sons bedtime, we were called into a room. i'm glad they gave him a popsicle to keep him occupied, he loved the thing! i knew we were on the verge of a toddler meltdown. but they came in and wrapped his hand up, and told me they were transferring us down to Arrowhead, they wanted him to be seen by a burn unit. it was going on 1030 at this time, but i call my mom up, cry a little bit, and tell Mike, who had been bugging me all damned night, to get the diaper bag ready, i had to take Ryder almost 2 hours away in the middle of the night.
i get home and he had everything packed for all of us to go, which i thought was nice. but the whole way there he complained that he was tired. while i had been up for 20 hours, taking care of 2 babies, and we still werent home. but i just kept my mouth shut.
i have to say, after being in a public hospital now, just disgusts me. and i can only express in dull words how happy i am that the 4 of us walked out of there without some sort of nasty disease. the floor was disgusting, there were germs everywhere, i didn't want to take Lyvi out of her carseat at all, and after being seen, i didn't even bother waiting for the paperwork, i couldn't stand being in there any longer. as much as i hate Naval sometimes, i would take sitting there for another 5 hours, than going to a civilian emergency room ever again. i now have a bigger fear of not re enlisting! and then i almost killed Mike for making me drive home at 5AM, being up for almost 24 hours, and him passing our in the passengers seat. i was flooring it all the way home so i didn't fall asleep and i guess he got motion sick, haha. thats what the bitch gets, for not being able to hold his own. someone had to get my family home safely! he also got to sleep on the couch because i was far too exhausted to have to wake up with Lyvi and watch him sleep peacefully. it was one of those night where i would have stabbed him in the forehead....
on the way home when he woke up i told him that i had had enough. that, next time in a situation like this he needs to stay home because he makes everything worse. that he only thinks and takes care of himself. then i brought up the flower thing and told him he couldnt even do something nice for JUST one of us. that he always has to include himself as well. if i buy a new book, he buys a new game. if the kids get a new toy, he hunts for something that he can get. it's just rude. i told him that i needed his help and he hadn't pulled through very well that night. then we were silent the rest of the way home.
regardless.
Ryder is perfectly fine. after him falling asleep in the car on the way to Naval, he has acted like nothing happened, though he does pick at his fingers. he won't keep gauze or bandaids on at all and today in the pool, one of them ended up opening. Arrowhead had no idea why we were transferred and the burn unit didn't even come look at it, and they sent us on our way. i never, ever want something like this to happen ever again. as pissed as i was at Mike, i have to remind myself that he isn't as good of a dad as i am a mom, he's still learning to listen and juggle two kids, accidents do happen and it was kind of both of our faults. i think i was just most pissed because he NEVER listens to me, and this one time that he didn't, resulting in my poor baby getting hurt. it's not like i just said "hey, watch him real quick" and he got hurt.... like he didn't know it was on or something. but he did, i told him not 1 minute before the accident occured. he will not be punched every time he doesnt hear me or pay attention or listen when it comes to something with my babies.
the next morning i was still pretty bitter but i had gotten a decent amount of sleep since Ryder slept until noon and Lyvi woke up every 4 hours instead of 3. Mike offered to make me breakfast when he got up but i wanted to sleep rather than eat. and when i woke up when Ryder did and got the kids ready for the day, he was gone. he came back a little later with daisies and roses for me. i guess he actually listened to my rant that morning in the car. he said that he was sorry for not listening better and having Ryder get hurt. which, made me feel a little better because he doesnt say he's sorry like that often, but i think he knows what happened the night before was just... bad. but i got ready for the day and we asked Colbert if he wanted to go walk around the park in palm desert and go bowling, so we did.
i have to say that Ryder bowling is the cutest thing ever. he tries to carry the ball and his face doing so is hilarious. the alley had a little childrens ramp that you pul the ball on and they roll it down the lane and he had such a blast! i swear he was doing better than i was! it was amazing to see him doing a new thing, and he was so into it! and the fact that he wasn't acting hurt at all, made me realize how brave he really is. my big boy. :)
and then on the way home from palm desert i find this amazing Coach purse on bookoo for cheap. i have no idea how i got started on loving Coach, i blame Kelsey for giving me my first wristlet! but ever since, i have gotten 2 more wristlets and a pair of Coach sneakers off bookoo. then i got my mom started on it! i'm buying her one for her birthday and she said she would send me money or the one i wanted. i think she had planned to buy some out here but of course the week she was here, bookoo had nothing lmao. i totally snagged it and i couldnt be happier. its so sad that i am happy over a purse, BUT, it was over $100 less than normal price, and i'm completely okay with that! score one for the big guy!
last night we went and had some adult time at the Padens. i can honestly say it was one of the best nights we have had out here in the desert. why? because everyone there was a parent! we were all chasing around kiddos and changing butts and laughing as they taught each other new things, Ryder of course, starting a squealing match with Carmen and Angie. we all knew what the others were going through, we watched as our kiddos interacted and shared, sometimes, their toys. Ryder was super shy at first but at the end of the night was swapping spit with Angie. being there was a completely different feel than hanging out with married couples without kids. and the fact that they were all well behaved and the parents actually gave a damn about watching them and giving them time outs for being mean to one of the others, made it that much better! it made me happy to see the dads changing diapers too, and feeding the kids, when they werent feeding each other, haha. it was just a wonderful night with great people, and great little kiddos. made me realize that there IS hope in this desert! :)
today was a really relaxing day. we went out to Yucca to go book hunting, but didnt find anything good. we got Starbucks and went into Big Five. Mike had thought they sold pistols, for some reason he's on this kick about getting me one now? no clue haha. well, they didn't have pistols but we got Ryder his first baseball. and while i was looking at little mitts, i realized having a lefty for a child is going to make things a little more difficult, but i love it! and he loved his baseball, almost tried taking it to bed with him and Blankie! then we went to the swim tank and took him swimming, was there for almost 2 hours, and met Uncle David there. Daddy gave Mommy some time and i got to go swimming in my new bikini, woo hoo! it was nice to be in the water. and watching Ryder is amazing! he is getting so good! today he put his face in the water, and put the basketball through the hoop when Daddy lifted him up. he didn't want to get out of the water, he was all pruney! i love that he is such a water baby and i think Lyvia will be too. i love taking them to the pool, nice little family outing!
Lyvia also turned on month old on Saturday, so sad. time flew by wayyyy too much! she is starting to smile more and coo, she was talking to Ryder the other day, it was adorable. she loves kisses from her big brother too. she sleeps really, really well. wakes up maybe twice a night to eat. she has such a sassy cry, she seems to hate car rides, and she HAS to be swaddled, or she will let you know how pissed off she is! but she's a little lover girl, and has dimples that i am in love with! i can't wait to see what her next month will be like!!!
and little mister is adorable as ever, been super lovey giving kisses all week. and he refuses to go to bed by himself at night. he has to be laying on mommys chest in her bed, and when he falls asleep i switch him to his bed. i love those moments. i love knowing he needs me, and thats our mommy/son time. it's absolutely perfect.
alsoooo, yes, i'm pretty excited for this!
on Thursday i will be going into Willow Tree Studios and talking with the director about being a tumbling teacher and teaching classes on Thursdays. i might have a job!!! as much as i would hate leaving my babies, even for a few hours a day, i know its something i need. not only for now but later on when we move. i want to be a coach, and if i can start now, perfect! i don't know too many details on it yet, i am super nervous for Thursday, and what happens after that, and trying to find a sitter and everything else. but i think this is a great opportunity for me out here. i'm glad that Mike is on board with it all as well. then i can put my passion into other little kiddos. i am so excited for what this might bring! things really are looking up, i couldnt be happier with life!
such random posts, lol. but i am trying to keep up with my life.
even if 90% of it is pointless, haha.
now i'm going to snuggle into my big bed and fall asleep so i will be on top of my game to wake up with my doodles in the morning.
because waking up every morning is the best thing i've ever done. :)
-ks.
days seem to keep getting longer and longer, but i am so thankful at the end of the night when i did everything right. this weekend was such a long weekend.
on Friday Mike got home from work early and asked if Colbert and his girl could come over, i said fine and started getting ready. he told me he was going to steal Ryder for a bit, then take him to the park. they come back a little later and he told me he went to get me flowers but everywhere was closed. i just kind of smiled and nodded. this wasn't the first time he has "tried" doing something nice for me and came up with nothing. later i found out he didn't just go to get flowers, he bought oil for his bike too... but i kept folding clothes and cleaning around the house. after they got back from the park, i was straightening my hair. he told my Colbert would be there in a few, and i was sitting in my underwear. so i look at Mike and tell him, point blank. my hair straightener is on, Ryder likes to try to play with it, watch him, and watch him carefully while i run upstairs and change really quick.
i didn't make it to the top of the stairs before i heard my sons scream....
and he continued to scream for over an hour. i was absolutely furious with my husband at this point, who did nothing but piss me off more by watching me comfort my screaming child for something that he himself did! i took my baby and sat him on the toilet lid and he lifted his right hand to my mouth to kiss after i asked him where his ouchies were. then i saw his little tiny fingers blistering up. that's when my anger grew. i ran his fingers under cool water, i put neosporin on his fingers, i held him, rocked him, bounced him, while he clung to me, just screaming. i started bawling my eyes out and decided that i HAD to do something. so i grabbed my flip flops and walked out the door.
i just drove around for a little bit, trying to calm him down, and he ended up falling asleep but i decided i needed to take him to the emergency room, just to be sure. i had left Mike with Lyvi back at home, so it was just little man and i. i left in such a hurry that i didn't have time to grab him a bottle or a snack or anything, i was hoping it wouldnt take too long.
wrong.
apparently it was a super busy night there. and since Mike was at home, and i was sitting waiting, i couldnt get my son anything to eat or drink. we sat there for 5 hours, before even being called back there. and i am so thankful to a Marine there with his daughter, who also left in a hurry, that he went to make sure everything was turned off in his home, and came back and brought us a sandwhich and a water. that little act of kindness, really made the difference.
finally, almost an hour after my sons bedtime, we were called into a room. i'm glad they gave him a popsicle to keep him occupied, he loved the thing! i knew we were on the verge of a toddler meltdown. but they came in and wrapped his hand up, and told me they were transferring us down to Arrowhead, they wanted him to be seen by a burn unit. it was going on 1030 at this time, but i call my mom up, cry a little bit, and tell Mike, who had been bugging me all damned night, to get the diaper bag ready, i had to take Ryder almost 2 hours away in the middle of the night.
i get home and he had everything packed for all of us to go, which i thought was nice. but the whole way there he complained that he was tired. while i had been up for 20 hours, taking care of 2 babies, and we still werent home. but i just kept my mouth shut.
i have to say, after being in a public hospital now, just disgusts me. and i can only express in dull words how happy i am that the 4 of us walked out of there without some sort of nasty disease. the floor was disgusting, there were germs everywhere, i didn't want to take Lyvi out of her carseat at all, and after being seen, i didn't even bother waiting for the paperwork, i couldn't stand being in there any longer. as much as i hate Naval sometimes, i would take sitting there for another 5 hours, than going to a civilian emergency room ever again. i now have a bigger fear of not re enlisting! and then i almost killed Mike for making me drive home at 5AM, being up for almost 24 hours, and him passing our in the passengers seat. i was flooring it all the way home so i didn't fall asleep and i guess he got motion sick, haha. thats what the bitch gets, for not being able to hold his own. someone had to get my family home safely! he also got to sleep on the couch because i was far too exhausted to have to wake up with Lyvi and watch him sleep peacefully. it was one of those night where i would have stabbed him in the forehead....
on the way home when he woke up i told him that i had had enough. that, next time in a situation like this he needs to stay home because he makes everything worse. that he only thinks and takes care of himself. then i brought up the flower thing and told him he couldnt even do something nice for JUST one of us. that he always has to include himself as well. if i buy a new book, he buys a new game. if the kids get a new toy, he hunts for something that he can get. it's just rude. i told him that i needed his help and he hadn't pulled through very well that night. then we were silent the rest of the way home.
regardless.
Ryder is perfectly fine. after him falling asleep in the car on the way to Naval, he has acted like nothing happened, though he does pick at his fingers. he won't keep gauze or bandaids on at all and today in the pool, one of them ended up opening. Arrowhead had no idea why we were transferred and the burn unit didn't even come look at it, and they sent us on our way. i never, ever want something like this to happen ever again. as pissed as i was at Mike, i have to remind myself that he isn't as good of a dad as i am a mom, he's still learning to listen and juggle two kids, accidents do happen and it was kind of both of our faults. i think i was just most pissed because he NEVER listens to me, and this one time that he didn't, resulting in my poor baby getting hurt. it's not like i just said "hey, watch him real quick" and he got hurt.... like he didn't know it was on or something. but he did, i told him not 1 minute before the accident occured. he will not be punched every time he doesnt hear me or pay attention or listen when it comes to something with my babies.
the next morning i was still pretty bitter but i had gotten a decent amount of sleep since Ryder slept until noon and Lyvi woke up every 4 hours instead of 3. Mike offered to make me breakfast when he got up but i wanted to sleep rather than eat. and when i woke up when Ryder did and got the kids ready for the day, he was gone. he came back a little later with daisies and roses for me. i guess he actually listened to my rant that morning in the car. he said that he was sorry for not listening better and having Ryder get hurt. which, made me feel a little better because he doesnt say he's sorry like that often, but i think he knows what happened the night before was just... bad. but i got ready for the day and we asked Colbert if he wanted to go walk around the park in palm desert and go bowling, so we did.
i have to say that Ryder bowling is the cutest thing ever. he tries to carry the ball and his face doing so is hilarious. the alley had a little childrens ramp that you pul the ball on and they roll it down the lane and he had such a blast! i swear he was doing better than i was! it was amazing to see him doing a new thing, and he was so into it! and the fact that he wasn't acting hurt at all, made me realize how brave he really is. my big boy. :)
and then on the way home from palm desert i find this amazing Coach purse on bookoo for cheap. i have no idea how i got started on loving Coach, i blame Kelsey for giving me my first wristlet! but ever since, i have gotten 2 more wristlets and a pair of Coach sneakers off bookoo. then i got my mom started on it! i'm buying her one for her birthday and she said she would send me money or the one i wanted. i think she had planned to buy some out here but of course the week she was here, bookoo had nothing lmao. i totally snagged it and i couldnt be happier. its so sad that i am happy over a purse, BUT, it was over $100 less than normal price, and i'm completely okay with that! score one for the big guy!
last night we went and had some adult time at the Padens. i can honestly say it was one of the best nights we have had out here in the desert. why? because everyone there was a parent! we were all chasing around kiddos and changing butts and laughing as they taught each other new things, Ryder of course, starting a squealing match with Carmen and Angie. we all knew what the others were going through, we watched as our kiddos interacted and shared, sometimes, their toys. Ryder was super shy at first but at the end of the night was swapping spit with Angie. being there was a completely different feel than hanging out with married couples without kids. and the fact that they were all well behaved and the parents actually gave a damn about watching them and giving them time outs for being mean to one of the others, made it that much better! it made me happy to see the dads changing diapers too, and feeding the kids, when they werent feeding each other, haha. it was just a wonderful night with great people, and great little kiddos. made me realize that there IS hope in this desert! :)
today was a really relaxing day. we went out to Yucca to go book hunting, but didnt find anything good. we got Starbucks and went into Big Five. Mike had thought they sold pistols, for some reason he's on this kick about getting me one now? no clue haha. well, they didn't have pistols but we got Ryder his first baseball. and while i was looking at little mitts, i realized having a lefty for a child is going to make things a little more difficult, but i love it! and he loved his baseball, almost tried taking it to bed with him and Blankie! then we went to the swim tank and took him swimming, was there for almost 2 hours, and met Uncle David there. Daddy gave Mommy some time and i got to go swimming in my new bikini, woo hoo! it was nice to be in the water. and watching Ryder is amazing! he is getting so good! today he put his face in the water, and put the basketball through the hoop when Daddy lifted him up. he didn't want to get out of the water, he was all pruney! i love that he is such a water baby and i think Lyvia will be too. i love taking them to the pool, nice little family outing!
Lyvia also turned on month old on Saturday, so sad. time flew by wayyyy too much! she is starting to smile more and coo, she was talking to Ryder the other day, it was adorable. she loves kisses from her big brother too. she sleeps really, really well. wakes up maybe twice a night to eat. she has such a sassy cry, she seems to hate car rides, and she HAS to be swaddled, or she will let you know how pissed off she is! but she's a little lover girl, and has dimples that i am in love with! i can't wait to see what her next month will be like!!!
and little mister is adorable as ever, been super lovey giving kisses all week. and he refuses to go to bed by himself at night. he has to be laying on mommys chest in her bed, and when he falls asleep i switch him to his bed. i love those moments. i love knowing he needs me, and thats our mommy/son time. it's absolutely perfect.
alsoooo, yes, i'm pretty excited for this!
on Thursday i will be going into Willow Tree Studios and talking with the director about being a tumbling teacher and teaching classes on Thursdays. i might have a job!!! as much as i would hate leaving my babies, even for a few hours a day, i know its something i need. not only for now but later on when we move. i want to be a coach, and if i can start now, perfect! i don't know too many details on it yet, i am super nervous for Thursday, and what happens after that, and trying to find a sitter and everything else. but i think this is a great opportunity for me out here. i'm glad that Mike is on board with it all as well. then i can put my passion into other little kiddos. i am so excited for what this might bring! things really are looking up, i couldnt be happier with life!
such random posts, lol. but i am trying to keep up with my life.
even if 90% of it is pointless, haha.
now i'm going to snuggle into my big bed and fall asleep so i will be on top of my game to wake up with my doodles in the morning.
because waking up every morning is the best thing i've ever done. :)
-ks.
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