fifty six.

man, am i so over this god forsaken place.
i use to love it out here but this past week has gotten the best of me and i can't wait to start packing up my life into boxes and get the fuck out of this place. being positive doesn't really help in all of this, but i tried for a few days, hasn't worked. but whatever. i keep telling myself just stick to myself for a little while longer and we will be moving back before i know it.

over two weeks ago i tried to rehome our dog Scout on the sites and pet sites out here. him and Indy haven't been getting along, when Mike's mom was he he ran into and knocked Ryder over and made him cry, and no matter how many times we fix the gate, he paws his way out and i really don't feel like chasing after a freakin dog constantly, especially with a toddler that follows me everywhere. i was told that i had to give him back to the ranch we adopted him from. okay, that's fine. so, i contacted them and i went days without hearing back from them. i saw that she posted on her ranch page that she needed a foster for this dog because his "current family wasn't able to handle the responsibility of taking on a puppy." i'm floored. fist, that wasn't the reasoning at all, he's a problem dog for us and it's becoming too much of an issue. i'm sorry but when i have another puppy his same age, after raising and training them the same and he still doesn't get it after months, i no longer really care. i tried doing the right thing by finding him a new home and drama blew up. i tried contacting the ranch and they failed to handle it in a professional manner. she failed to mention she was out of state and couldn't take him back until such and such a time, or that she needed to find a foster for him first. and then slanders me on her facebook page, i didn't really think it was appropriate. then i told her i was going to do it myself and blocked her. my friend, whom this ranch has also done something similar to, messaged me telling me she wrote an even worse post saying i had blocked her and for everyone to check the shelter, that she was worried about the dog and  yadda yadda, making me out to be a bad person. i think that's my biggest peeve. first, it was no ones business why we are rehoming our dog. if the ranch wanted to know, okay. but to post such things on the internet about something you have no idea about? it's just terrible. and here she is suppose to be a professional ranch owner? who doesn't even have the ranch anymore. so people are posting how shitty a person i am for "not giving him back" and how irresponsible, that they were going to come to the house to get the dog, act like theyre interested in adopting him and take him. complete and utter bullshit. i hate when people slander my name when i haven't even done anything! clearly i am able to handle a dog, of any sort. i've had Indy for almost 3 years now and he's doing just fine. we got Mollie as a puppy and she's just fine too! but the fact that i was doing the right thing by finding him a new home, and got drama for it, is beyond ridiculous. and the fact that someone would post such things, when they are suppose to be an adult and not communicating with me properly, is even worse. regardless, Scout is gone. and even in the getting rid of him process, there was drama. i once again posted i was looking for a home for him and some girl whom, if i ever see again, i will knock the hell out, blew up my facebook saying she could get him last night. i told her that today was better because we were busy and had dinner to take care of and a toddler bath/bed time. she continued to write me on facebook, and then her husband called mine. i HATE pushy people, i didn't respond for an hour because i have a life and they clearly do not, and one of her friends blew up the post i posted about Scout. but Mike told them they can come get him, without even telling me or asking me or respecting what i had JUST told him, so that caused a fight and he's lucky he told them he would take the dog to them or i would have had my fists flying. Scout gone, the girl that came and got him passed him off to someone else and apparently they're going to give him to the ranch, and once again, by doing the right thing, my name is slandered in the desert. awesome....  whatever. >.>

i've had an issue with Mike all week. he goes to work to come home and complain he's tired, while i've gotten very little sleep because Ryder is teething and it isn't fun to go through. i hate when he walks through the door to complain he's tired. i've been tired for a year and a half, and i will be tired for the next ohhh, 25 years or so?! and i'm even more exhausted because i stay in the house most days. when i use to have a job, i had so much more energy, even after a 12 hour shift. it's just annoying, complaining makes everything worse on anyone around you. not to mention for some reason, Ryder is still super cranky when his dad gets home, i have no freakin idea why but i'm about to lose my mind. he's NEVER like that during the day, at all. the only time he gets crabby is when it's nap time, that's it! and then Mike gets home and he whines for hours, it makes no sense and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. and Mike hasn't wanted to help much this week, i was feeding Ryder dinner and he was just playing on his phone, he didn't take Ryder upstairs for bath time when it was time, so i did, it's just like, i went through hell and was nice when your mom visited and she leaves and you digress back into a jerk who just sits on the couch when you get home and falls asleep right after your son does? makes me so angry! and still, more complaints about work or whatever else. it's just frustrating because things keep going back to bad, even if for a few days. when i have tried so hard to make so many changes in myself to make a positive, happy, healthy home for my family and he comes in and tarnishes it with his complaints and talking about work. i have had to tell him countless times how little i care about the marine corps and when he gets home, leave it at the door. his lack of communication skills is once again down the drain... it's great for a little while then he falls back. and with Lyvia coming and everything else i'm dealing with, i can't handle it. and he wondered why i blew up at him last night about the stupid dog. because he's not been who he should be all week long! gosh i can only hope next week he gets his head out of his butt. there's too many issues i'm having with him this week and as much as i want to vent about it, i'm a better person than he is now and i would rather not make him out to be the dick that he is.

another thing that pissed me off this week is when i went to the WIC office. seems like everything i did was wrong. especially with breastfeeding. they asked me if i was going to with this one and i told them no. i have absolutely no plans to breastfeed. it isn't for me, i tried it, but this time it isn't worth it to me, all the more props to moms thats do, but i don't think it would be fair on Ryder if i'm sitting on the couch with his sister attached to me instead of playing with him or giving him what he needs. it's too time consuming and i'm constantly chasing my first around. no, i'm not educated on breastfeeding nor do i care to be at all. this is my choice and i really wish people would learn to respect it. after telling her no, she went into a 20 minute conversation about how i should, all the benefits, it will make my child smarter and get sick less often. uhm, really lady? my son is incredibly smart, and he has gotten the flu once from his dad, and a running nose about twice in a year. while you're sitting here telling me i need to nurse my newborn, i have to chase my toddler 3 times. really, i'm suppose to chase my kid with a baby on my tit? not for me, sorry. i said no, leave it alone. i was already irritated because i had to go there alone and chase a kid and got crap for still giving him purees and giving him a bottle still, like i don't know how to raise a child. i hate people like that, i hate moms in general. my kid drinks from anything you hand him, i don't think handing him a bottle every so often is going to affect anything. he eats what he eats, but he EATS, is the most important part. and he eats whole foods as well, so it's not like it's all purees. i still have jars of purees that i have always mixed with cereal, should i waste them? no. lately over half the women that have kids are making me so mad. they need to stop pushing ideas and beliefs onto others, i had this from someone before Ryder too and i refuse to have her on my page because she ALWAYS has something to say. my kid is super smart and always happy, he is now up to his weight requirement after his reflux passed and i did it on my own for 6 months, i'd say i'm doing a damn good job and i will with my daughter as well, without breastfeeding and giving her a bottle until she doesn't want it anymore. i'm already a strict parent and i enforce safety rules for my son because now is the time that he can easily get hurt with things. Mike doesn't get it yet, and i'm hoping he will very soon before my son sticks his dads keys that he isn't suppose to have, into the electrical socket that he pulls the baby proof plug out of every time i put it back in there. it's just one more thing to add to my week of annoyances. when it comes to being a parent, my mom says i am now a pro, and not to toot my own horn but i believe it. i do a damn good job, have an extremely well behaved one year old who is always on his best behavior, well, with his mom at least, and he's extremely smart and happy all the time, well, again, with his mom. haha. how i do things is how i do things, have a problem with it, step out of my life.

i'm sure theres ten thousand more things that annoyed me this week but, it's the weekend, i'll sulk and get over it by tomorrow night and start fresh on Sunday. i laid out the law to Mike and he didn't say anything which is no surprise there, and we're currently ignoring each other while Ryder naps before we go and he gets me more agitated at the commissary.

but again, to every bad week there is always something good that happens, or good moments at least. way to be positive mama! :D
i currently have mason jars of my very first homemade pickles.
i made a crock pot dinner last weekend for the first time.
Monique made some bomb ass cupcakes that i devoured.
Ryders two front teeth are one more day closer to coming through.
he's been snuggling and happy all week during the day, he even sat in my lap on his own and snuggled with my arm while watching cartoons for 10 whole minutes, which is a huge accomplishment for my constantly on the go toddler.
he talk, talk, talks alllll the time now and i love it, and cant ever really make out what he's saying but its adorable nonetheless.
Monique and i were talking about how it's nearly impossible to hate life, or be in a bad mood even for an entire day with a baby around. they're too innocent and cute and precious, you just look at them and it all melts away and she is absolutely true. and you can never stay mad at them, ever. it's something to live for and i'm perfectly content. i have no idea what i would do without that baby boy to keep my sanity! <3

-ks.

fifty five.

i am just so over run with love today.

my mother in law left on Saturday morning and after walking in the house with my boys, locking the door and finally breathing clearly for the first time in a week, i got to spent the most amazing lazy weekend with my boys. complete with pillows and blankets on the floor and rolling around having tickle fights in our underwear. she is back in Indiana and we have our lives back.

honestly, the visit wasn't that bad. she talked, entirely too much, and announced dumb things that i didn't care about. she talked about coffee, while she was making coffee, and announced every time she was going to give herself her MS shot. i was shocked that she had nothing bad to say about my father in law, i know that took a lot from her. she didn't really talk about Mike's old friends and the only mention of Tiffany was talking about how she needs to grow up and get a reality check. but other than that, it really wasn't too bad. she respected me all week and knew her place and stayed on the sidelines when we needed her to be, like Ryders shots. she wasn't really that involved in Ryder, changed a few diapers and carried him a few times but that was all. Mike said she must have just forgotten how to handle a baby but a true mother never forgets those things. i let her and Mike and even Ryder have a little bit of alone time when i slept in a little and went out to lunch with Monique. i didn't hide out in my bedroom and just ignored the things i didn't want to hear. she bought us a crockpot as an extremely late wedding present, the air mattress was only used twice and she left it here for us that i'm sure we will never use, she helped with the dishes and vacuumed when she saw things on the floor. it was nice to have an extra set of hands but she did tend to get in the way of things. she paid for dinner and breakfast the night and morning she left, the goodbye was awkward, but we survived, with no blow ups or stress.

the only thing that made me upset which, wasn't her fault. was how she talked about his grandmas funeral and how drunk he was the night after and how she had his head in his sisters lap and she had to help in the house. for some reason that struck a cord for me, apparently i'm just not over the entire situation. not Mike's part in it so much as Trish was really the reason it all hapened. i should have been able to be there for Mike but she didn't let me be. he should have been leaning on me that week, but instead she kept me from the man i loved when he needed me the most. it obviously doesn't matter now, but it hurt me and i went upstairs and let a few tears fall because of it. Mike came upstairs and we talked about it while in the shower and he really did make things better and calmed me down a bit. i know it's the past, and it's just one more thing that i can not forgive her for. but that isn't my husbands fault. i just didn't think it needed to be talked about but i don't really think she understands what even happened between us that week. another bridge crossed.

as nice as the visit was, i really don't see much changing. i know her and Mike won't talk more, she might ask more about Ryder, and we won't see her again until next year sometime. her and i didn't get closer, but i do hope she respects me more. i was polite when i needed to be and wished her safe travels but the only thing this trip really did for me was open my eyes to what an amazing thing Mike and i have between us. having her in my house knowing she caused a divorce between her and her husband and the reason he wasn't around much was all her doing, i couldn't ever imagine living without my husband and not having him around our children everyday. no matter how much we fight or argue or how many times i think i'd rather be on my own. the thought that he would miss any more of the kids lives than he already does, tears me apart. no one really knows why she divorced Troy, i'm fairly certain there is no valid answer. or why she is STILL trying to get child support from him when Mike is almost 25, married, with two children, and Tiffany just turned 21. i won't ever agree with it. but that makes us a stronger family. we talked about Mike and i's wedding and how she's "talking" to a guy she met on eharmony and might get married again some day, it was just extremely weird. and the way she talked and acted around Colbert made it all worse. her and i don't have much in common and i don't agree with any of her decisions in life, but she respected me and didn't mess up with my child and for that, i have come to realize that i can have her as part of our life. it's done and over with though and i handled it really well, she's gone, time to move on.

all week though, i have looked at my husband differently. it's amazing to see the change in who he use to be and who he is now. i don't think i fully appreciated that until she came to visit. the last time i saw her i wanted no future with Michael because of the way he acted, and he learned his lesson and he was who Ryder and i needed him to be. he was there beside me for Ryders shots and he was there when i got the shakes. he didn't change when his mom came here like he did last time and i fell for him all over again. and i really do hope that his mother is proud of him like i am. i think she saw how much change has been made between the two of us and in us two, she finally understands more than she use to. she can see that we are a healthy, happy, loving family, something she never really got to experience. 

and today, today is such a beautiful day. it's gorgeous outside and i have my time with my handsome little man back. he has given me more lubbins in one day than he has in the last week. after Trish left Mike and i both saw a difference in him and se started to act more like himself and doing his little things that he didn't do during the previous week. he was less whiny and clingy, like he was completely unsure of having her here. Mike was afraid that Ryder would be upset not waking up to his daddy like he has all week but he wasn't at all. nothing changed this week and him and i are back to who we were before leave. having him around keeps me sane, i love him to incredibly much.

this entire week i have come to realize how lucky i am. i have one amazing husband. that isn't as good as he is going to get, but a thousand times better than he use to be. he grew up, became a man, and is exactly who he needs to be. he is happy, and seeing him happy makes the world so much brighter. sometimes i think that maybe he would be happier living his old life, especially when i think about indiana. but i know now that he is exactly where he wants to be. he loves our son more than anything in this entire world and i know he will do the same to our daughter when she is here. he's amazing as a father and i think a good chunk of that reason is because of how his mom raised him and the life he use to live. it's wonderful to see that smile on his face when his son needs him or they're playing. him and i make a really good team, i saw that more this week. wether is be taking turns with diapers, one holding him and the other clothing him, or whatever it may be. i love that i feel like a team instead of the one on one that we had going on a few months ago. we work together instead of pushing and pulling against one another. in between us we have this incredibly smart and adorable little boy that lights up our life. we share something bigger than our pasts together or apart, or any hurt we have ever felt. our days are filled with laughter and giggles and a million i love yous. all because of one tiny little 20 lb baby. and we both know that this beautiful human being is what brought us together in the first place. and we can not wait to share all our love with our beautiful daughter in only a few short months. we honestly have the perfect life, and i know that i will never and can never forget that as long as i am living and breathing every single day. there is no bigger picture in this world than what i have, right now. nothing can compare to the love i have for my little family of four. and i know that as long as we have each other, we will always, always, have everything.

all my life, i have waited for this moment. this moment of completely loving every little part of my life. of not worrying about the future, or regretting parts of the past. i no longer wonder where i should be in life, what career i should have, what path i should follow. i know that i am exactly where i need to be. in this very moment. right here with Michael, Ryder, and Lyvia. i no longer wonder if i am good enough, or pretty enough. i survived such a difficult time in my life, alone, and instead of looking back and complaining, or hating that i had to do it on my own, i fall in love with it over and over again. giving birth and taking care of my son solo while his dad was fighting the worlds war in another country will always be my biggest accomplishment. those six months in itself proved to me that i was something more. it was my biggest battle and i overcame that, completely alone, and i did so beautifully. getting compliments on such a happy, well behaved baby makes me feel better than any other compliment i could receive. people don't see it, but it means more to me than being called pretty, or finishing a college degree, or having an awesome job or a perfect marriage. Ryder is who he is, all because of me. because i did something right for once in my life. it makes not finishing college, or losing one of those jobs, every temper tantrum and bad turn, every hit and bruise, seem like a grain of sand to what i did. it has made me so strong, so tough, i don't think anything or anyone can ever break me. not when i see that little boys smile every morning, hear him say "mama" or "love you" he is the single best thing that i have ever done, the best thing to ever happen to me. and i am so thankful and lucky to have him in my life, to have his love, every single second of every passing day. and i love that i have his wonderful dad by my side to share him with, all the time. <3

-ks

fifty four.

so, my mother in law.
haha, i'm sure people are wondering how the visit is going. i get a lot of messages about it, so, i'll update on that first.
honestly, it isn't nearly as bad as i had thought. she's beyond annoying, i hear the same things over and over and she complains about a lot of things. but being a mom, i learned to tune those things out and ignore them, haha. she's been respectful of my home. she bought her own Keurig cups because she drinks a lot of coffee, she washed the dinner dishes and bottles after i cooked tonight, and when we need an extra set of hands, she does help. it's a lot more relaxed this time because Tiffany isn't here, my husband isn't leaving, and so far, my daughter is still my daughter. i still think 8 days is too long, but it's somewhat nice. i thought it was going to turn out really bad by now. i had told Mike to tell her not to get an air mattress because there was no room and he didn't, so she walked in carrying one and i got extremely mad.  it was so dumb but i cried when she blew it up the second night, i just felt like it was a slap in the face and Mike had ignored what i wanted. but, Monique came to the rescue again and when we were talking about it, she told me that when Steven walked up the first day she got here, he heard Mike telling her we didn't have room for it. she blew it up Saturday night but by the time i woke up she had already deflated it for Ryder's party, and did so again this morning. as much as it bothered me, i got over it quickly when, in the past, i wouldn't have. i did think she was completely inappropriate at parts of Ryder's party because she was talking to Colbert about sex and how her ex husband wasn't good at it. and Colbert and Steven were texting back and forth about it and when Monique and i went for a walk she let me know. i told Mike later and he agreed that she needs to leave his friends alone and he already has to worry about Tiffany, he shouldnt his mom as well. she just doesn't seem to understand that she is Mike's mother, not his friend, and she was trying too hard to fit in. but i guess that's just who she is. other than that it has gone fairly smooth. she seems to know her place more now. like today at the doctors office, she went into the room for Ryders checkup and i didn't mind. she knew i was already upset over the dumb shots, so in the shot room, she just like Mike and i handle it. when we took Ryder swimming for the first time yesterday she let him and i play with Ryder until she took a turn holding him in the water. she bought him a cool dump truck toy and paid for the Aquarium, and takes turns holding him every so often. she hasn't changed him or bathed him at all, but maybe that's just who she is. she's lacking a certain little thing so she just doesn't do it? i guess. haha. it's still awkward, but we're making sure we do our own things and keeping up with our normalties and she's following along.

i can't really tell if she has changed, or if it's just me and my changes. i know i handle things a lot better now. and with her being here, i look at my husband different. other than her first night here, he hasn't acted any different at all. i adore him, so much. seeing him and his mom together makes me realize what a better life Ryder and i have given him. how much better of a life he has now than he use to. i know that she is jealous of what we have, we can both see it. she looks at us with those eyes when we hug or kiss or lay on the couch. and it's kind of a nice feeling. even if she doesn't like me, she seems to respect us as a family now. it's nice to hear her talk to Ryder and call me mommy to him. she's never really acknowledged me as Mike's wife, but she has acknowledged me as Ryder's mommy, and that means a lot. though it sort of feels like it did with Tiffany, how she acts around Mike. she smacked his butt earlier in the kitchen and kind of gave me a funny feeling, but she is his son and i will probably pinch Ryders butt cheeks until he's back in diapers. i don't really think her and i will be closer after this visit but i know that our little family sure will be. it's amazing how one person can invade our home for 8 days, and it isn't even over yet and i see my husband completely different, once again. i see how much he has changed, and i think she does too. everything about him. and she can go back to Indiana and tell everyone what a good man he is, how happy our marriage is, and all about the wonderful little boy we are raising together. she's just trying to find her place in this world with an almost 25 year old, married son with a family of his own, and a 21 year old hell child going nowhere at this point in time. she's empty nested, she's missing the most important thing in her son's life. Monique pointed out that every time i brought out my camera, she grabbed hers as well. or whatever i did to Ryder, she copied. she's just trying to fit in. and she will, as one of his grandmas, but i think she wants to be part of the 4 of us. she still wants more than we're willing to give her. regardless, i have fallen more in love with my little family more this week than i have in a long time. i'm so proud of Mike.

Ryder, loves swimming. we took him to the splash pad on base and open swim at the tank. he had a little life jacket on that made him so chunky, he had so much fun with his dad and by the end was kicking his arms and legs trying to swim. my little water baby, just like Daddy and i thought he would be. today we took him to his 12 month baby checkup. he weighs 19.5 lbs and is 30 inches long. moving up his charts from the last time we saw the doctor. no more weight problems but still a skinny butt. Mommy didn't like the shots, i cried, it was terrible. but i like when Mike is there, i don't have to be brave all the time. it's nice to have a team mate to help with things like that. i held my baby afterwards and he just laid against me. but was perfectly fine when we got home like it never even happened. he's always a little trooper. he clung to Daddy today and played like a big boy and went to bed without a fuss. here i was listening to people and thinking today was going to be horrible and it was just fine.

tonight though, Mike was actually there for me. he really hasn't been when i needed him to be for multiple reasons. every time i get sick he isn't here, or is asleep like when we all had the flu. but tonight was really nice. i walked upstairs and all of a sudden felt really sick, like i was going to vomit. my heart was racing and i just waited for it but nothing happened. i went to get ready for bed and i started shaking uncontrollably. i got the chills, my teeth were chattering, everything. i was trying to breathe and calm down when mike comes upstairs and asks whats wrong. i told him, he saw me shaking and he plopped me in the tub and opened the toilet, just in case. he ran warm water and took my sponge and started spreading the water over my body and breathing with me so i would stay calm. he rubbed my back and my belly and told me i was alright, that this would pass. and, it did. but it was nice him staying in there with me keeping me calm. i was really scared. it happened so suddenly and at random. i laid in bed with him and he entangles his feet with mine so when i got out of bed it would wake him up and he could be there for me. it was really nice. Mike and i rarely have moments like that with each other. other than my mom, no one has ever taken care of me, at all. so it makes me feel better about labor and the recovery. he really is wonderful, and i'm glad he helped me through tonight. i told him if it happened again, we would call labor and delivery. Lyvia is moving around just fine, so i shouldn't worry much. i just need some rest. he thought it was an anxiety attack at first but then we decided it was just something i ate that didn't digest well and couldn't decide what it wanted to do in my stomach. so far, i'm perfectly fine now, i just need some sleep.

so, there you have it. this past week i have learned a lot about my little family and started to appreciate my husband more. i am so lucky to have him as mine. even thought sometimes he messes up, i know he helps out a lot more than most dads. we are lucky enough to give Ryder two happy parents that love him so much, clothes for his body, and toys to play with, a roof over his head and food in his belly. i know not a lot of people have that. especially the being an amazing husband and dad part. and i am glad that i can show his mom how happy he is and what a great man he has become. and show her what a family is, since she never really had one for her children. we have shown her how much we have both changed, and i hope she learns something from this too. and i'm glad it's not nearly as stressful as last time. but we all agree that it was Tiffany that made things tough.

tonight with my little man asleep in the next room, my husband curled up beside me, the love of my own mother, and my daughter in my belly, my life is complete. as it should be, every single day. and it will be next November, when i finally have my mommy back. i see things a lot differently with my mom this week as well, and wish she was here. i can not wait to see her again. :)

off to snuggle with my amazing husband. <3  goodnight.

-ks

fifty three.

my beautiful little boy.
today, you turned one year old. i got to fall asleep with you last night, shed tears on your head like i have done from time to time over the last year when i needed you the most. when you woke up i walked into your room and sang you happy birthday. i got to watch you walk around the house, chase balloons, be silly, smash a cake with your hand, and your foot, and mommy helped you blow out your first candle. my big little birthday boy. today, was amazing. but i never stopped to tell you, how amazing this last year has been.
when i found out that you were a boy instead of a girl, i had no idea what to do. i didn't know how to raise a son! little did i know, taking care of and loving you, was the easiest thing i have ever done. the moment you were placed in my arms i knew i had finally, finally, gotten something right in my life. you were perfect, all seven pounds and seven ounces of you. people that say they don't believe in love at first sight, has never had their own newborn lain across their chest. in that moment, you were mine. and i, i was yours. i vowed to protect you against everything in this world, and love you as much as i could. i slept with you wrapped in my arms that first night, and every single night until you were six months old. waking up to those beautiful blue eyes every morning, makes the day start out so simply precious.

you have given me hope for the future, my darling son. a light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to, every passing second of the day. i live for your smiles and your laughs, your silly little "dance moves" and quirks you're starting to get. i smile at the scent of your sweet sweaty head after a long nap. i love the way you fall down when you're walking and stand right back up, never letting the world get you down. your spirit, is one of the happiest i have ever seen in all my life. the fact that you are so happy to be alive, warms every particle of my being. you make me want to be a better person, you make me strong, and give me courage to get through anything. after all, you were all i had for the first six months of your life. if it wasn't for you being everything that you are, i would have crashed and burned. instead, i handled myself beautifully. all because i had you by my side. you are perfect, just the way you are.

i go into your room at night and i watch you sleep. that little smile that dances across your lips in your dreams and i wonder what you will be someday. a baseball player? a boy in the band? a Marine like your dad? i dream about these things, all day long. but i also dream of skinned up knees that i can kiss and make all better, the first time you learn to swim, or dress yourself, and tie your shoes. even though, those moments will break my heart because you won't need that part of mommy anymore i know that you can look back and understand that mommy will always be there if you need her. that, no matter who you become, i will always, always love you more than you can even imagine.

this past year has been filled with up all nighters, a few thousand diaper changes, learning to roll over, crawl, then walk. we have had bumps and bruises, baby and mommy meltdowns, together, or not. we have had tickle fights and food fights, fun at bath times and bed times. we have played at the park, gone to a concert, swimming in the pool, and dancing in the rain. bedtime stories, umpteen loads of laundry, and more road trips than we can count. but every smile, giggle, and babble of yours has made every difficult time more than worth every struggle. i love you, i love you so much.

i can not thank you enough for saving my life, Michael Ryder. for showing me how beautiful the world was, how innocent life was, and how strong and true love was. every piece of you and i will always fit together. you're my best friend, my strength and courage. you have changed my entire life. people say that when you have a baby, your life ends. and i strongly disagree. the moment i was handed you, my son, my entire life began. every little thing changed, and it has all been changed for the better. all because of a tiny blonde hair, blue eyed, little boy. that blows raspberries and toots in his sleep. <3 thank you, for everything.

My son is now, a year old. He walks completely, all the time. if he stumbles, he catches himself and stands back up. he has his two bottom teeth and is about to pop through his top two. he wears 12 month clothing, and weighs about 20 pounds. no more weight issues! he can drink out of a straw and has an obsession with soda cans, he loves pickles and well, basically anything you give him. he can give high five and wave bye bye when he wants to, which is usually when he is walking away from you, carrying something he stole from you. he likes when mommy blow dries her hair, he stands and watches her. no matter where he is downstairs, if he hears Mickey's hot dog song, he walks to the television and dances. he loves to dance. which is basically, side to side. he "sings" in the car. he can say mama, dada, baby, ryder, hi, ackie, and bye bye. most of them are completely audible. he squats to poop, and grunts. he loves bath time and reading his book in the tub like mommy, and he loves his toys. he likes the blocks that have things inside of them, and balls he can carry. he loves Mollie and plays with her and gives her loves. his lovins, are the best. he will wrap his arms around you and give you a big ole kiss, and when he's tired he lays his head on your leg and goes "Aww" he sleeps through the night, usually 9PM to 8AM. no more night terrors.  he is completely and utterly random and learns some weird new thing every single day. it's amazing and hilarious to watch him, there never is a dull moment. he knows where things go and he usually puts them there, or you will see something completely random in a totally random spot. he makes you smile, all the time. he loves life, every single bit of it. he sits backwards in the carts while shopping and usually throws things out of the cart as you're walking. he loves his dad and being chased around the house, he loves swinging at the park. he still sleeps with his butt in the air, and he drools when sleeping while riding in the car. he loves his stuffed animals and are constantly giving them kisses. he scares easily, and jumps when he gets scared, but he never cries. he has so much trust in everyone that i would hate to see him ever. ever lose it. his shoe size matches his diaper size. he loves jack and the neverland pirates but nothing beats baby einstein videos. he also steals my phone about half a million times a day. he's perfect, and beautiful.
and he's all mine.

i'll love you forever.
i'll like you for always.
as long as i'm living.
my baby you'll be.

Mommy loves you more than anything in this world baby boy. nothing can ever change my love for you. Happy First Birthday. <3

-ks

fifty two.

family, is who you choose.
i can not remember the last time that i saw my cousin Patrick. when Papa died, he had his own thing going on. growing up i heard he was the "problem child", even a temperamental toddler, he started out rough early. him and i have sat on facebook for over an hour just, talking. and i realize, there's a lot more layers to that boy than anyone in our family can imagine. when he was six, his mother was killed in a car accident. only a short time later his dad remarried and had two more kids with his new wife. i don't think anyone has ever sat down and asked him how he felt, what was going on with him. as a teenager yeah, maybe he isn't perfect. but how could such a young man possibly be what our family calls "normal", after all he went through? but i know that talking to him tonight, him and i are one in the same. i think it took him not showing up for the funeral to make me realize that he too, spoke up. he put his foot down and removed himself from that family. and it took that funeral for me to do the same thing. and here him and i stand, on the outside looking in.
when tim remarried, our family was livid. how could he marry so soon after Beth. didn't he love her? didn't he even care that she died? i was only 12 when the accident happened. i can not tell you how many months, or years went by until Tim met Emily, but i do remember the glares and stares she got from my family when she came around. more times than i care to admit, i have thought about what would happen if my husband died. honestly, sitting here right now. i do not think i could ever move on. my mom tries to tell me otherwise, but i don't. i have my husbands two children, and that is all that i will ever need. i would take our money and live out our dreams, the three of us, and carry Michael with me wherever we go. but i married a man that i knew would walk away and possibly never walk back. Tim kissed his wife goodbye for work, and she never came home. our situations are completely different yet one in the same. i have no doubt that Tim loved Beth very, very much. maybe one day i will sit down with him and talk to him about what he felt through it all. i think it would mean a lot to me, and open my eyes to more in life, if only he is willing to let me listen. maybe he just had the courage to walk away from something that was no longer there, like my mother wasn't. and like i wasn't with Billy. maybe there is something less or more.
Patrick told me tonight that he gained a lot of respect for me because i stepped up to our Aunt Sandy at the funeral. it was about time someone said something. he too, has felt judged all his life. Sandy was always trying to bribe us to be our "favorite" aunt. i remember how she would sit me down in the waiting room and ask me who my favorite aunt was, and i would always say Beth. she would hand me a new barbie, or a book, or clothes, and ask me again, so i would say her. i guess her kids do it now too. Madelaine is now dating someone and Meg and Matt were arguing that she "needed permission from her favorite cousin" no one needs permission in this family to do anything. it's just disgusting, who these people are. and i never ever see myself wanting anything to do with them, ever. blood means absolutely nothing. family is who you choose, and i have chosen my husband and our children, to show them everything we were not, when we were young. and choose a family for them that is nothing like what we once knew. family doesnt go to a cousins wedding and not come meet their nephew or niece. family doesn't leave you out, or judge you, or belittle you. they do not make your life hard, or make up excuses. they accept you, appreciate you, care about you. they love you. every day and all the time. the only person that gives me that love, is my son.

i miss Beth. i miss Grammy the most. she was the glue that held everything together. i wish i could go back....  i havent been able to call my belly Lyvia lately. something feels missing. my due date is close to the date of Beth's death. three weeks and 2 days. maybe my guardians will play a hand in our daughters fate and bring us a precious little girl in her place, she will then become, Elyzibeth.

today, was exactly what i needed. yesterday, the blue beast was towed, the wonderful car in which Ryder was conceived in, is now gone. i was a little sad, i have to admit. but they handed me over a check in my name this morning that i get to deposit into our house savings money and it gave my heart a little kick. then Monique and i went shopping at Home Goods, ate lunch at Chipotle, and found super cute clothes at Ross. my poor teething baby wasn't the happiest of campers and i got to carry him around half the time, all the while his little sister kicking him in the booty. but he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me when he needed me and its the best feeling in the world. he started having a meltdown and i took him out of the cart, tears running down his face, snot dripping from his nose and he just rubbed his face into my arm while i told him everything was going to be okay. my sweet little boy. and in Walmart he helped push the cart and then tried stealing four bags of goldfish, and was blowing raspberries into my arm and cracking up. he was a crab butt today but i didn't have a meltdown with him. Monique was waiting for the moment i huffed and said we needed to leave, but i didn't. i handle things so much better now. i just held him and told him it was going to be okay, and made him smile. that perfect little smile. his bad days only mean that he needs his mommy more.
i finally got a glade sensor spray air freshener thing that i have always wanted.
i got cute dresses and tops for me, and for Mike at Ross.
Monique and i joked and laughed and talked like we use to, about anything and everything.
Mike had no idea what to do without Ryder and i, so he kept texting me haha.
and it was nice to just have girl time again, i didn't even worry about being home when Mike got home, i knew i would see him enough next week.
today made me feel so good. just about life, myself, everything in general. i even feel better about my mother in law coming, even though my house still isn't the way i want it to be. it will get there. i am just simply, happy. everyday brings something new. and i refuse to ever let it get me down. <3

-ks

fifty one.

bad case of the mondays.
ugh, this always happens. during Deployment it was Mondays, after Deployment it was Wednesdays, it never made any sense to me. today just started off rough. Ryder is getting at least one top tooth in, if not two. and he's had a cough all weekend. and now he has a runny nose and was just super cranky. i gave him medicine and he is down for a nap. then i let the dogs out and once again, Scout pissed all over, and when he jumped down from the cage, piss got all over me. ants were all over the dog food bin that was inside, then Mollie somehow, got out of the fence. AGAIN. when we keep fixing it. so i let her come in the house and she doesn't want to be around the baby because he likes to "play" so when i let her out, she wiggles under something and chases people and barks. on top of being stressed about his mom coming and finishing cleaning, gah, makes my head spin. but i won't let these next two weeks get the best of me. i'm bigger than all of this, and stressing out isn't needed. i just need to keep reminding myself of that.

last night, Monique and i went to see The Lucky One. yes, it doesn't com out for another 4 days and we already saw it, haha. joys of being a Marine Wife i guess! and it was super weird leaving Ryder with Mike. but they went to the mcx and got a diaper genie that i have been wanting to get for between the kids rooms, and when i walked in the door Ryder came waddling at me and wrapped me in a big hug! the rug was cleaned and Ryder's room was spotless. thats my BIGGEST chore, always going through all his clothes, sorting, folding, putting away. it's so tiring. and Mike never helps with the kids stuff, so coming home to that was wonderful! and with the baby gate at the top of the stairs, i no longer have any worries, and after Ryders bath, we just let him wander around upstairs while he brushed his teeth. it's just nice finally having things picked up and in order in at least some of the house, since he is everywhere now. just kind of difficult getting things there. Ryder went to bed for Mike without fuss and he stayed up a little later with me to watch an episode of Lost, and when that was over, he moved the table out of the back patio like i've been wanting him to. then we made out like teenagers and i took a bath with my book and just relaxed. so whatever has happened this morning, shouldn't mean very much.
tomorrow, Monique and i are going shopping! i miss shopping, and Home Goods. i need to make my house more "homey" again. and get shirts that fit me! haha, i think it will be just what i need before all of this. ahhh, can not wait to have all this over though. :)

-ks.

fifty.

i'm going to do what's best.
for my beautiful babies and myself.
i feel so good about myself. yesterday i went and started a savings account at Chase for our house when we move next year. i'm going to have to get over the fact that i will basically be saving on my own, and making plans by myself at this point, seeing that is it rarely discussed. nothing really is anymore. but i have come to realize that clearly, i can handle everything on my own just fine. but, it really felt good, and it's only in my name. Mike knows about it, but knowing that even though he makes the money, the fact that i will be handling how and when and how much to save, and only me, makes me feel like i'm doing more for my little family. i still have no idea how everything is going to go with the move, finding a house, and getting settled. at this point i am dubbing it the most difficult time in our lives and leaving it at that. it will fall into place when it does, there isn't a point to thinking too far into it now. but i know now is the time to start taking things just a little bit more serious. in less than four months i will be a mother of two. that's exciting and scary at the same time, and honestly, i can't really believe it. we have everything we need for our daughter but it's currently just thrown in our spare room, the one his mother wants to sleep in. good luck.

i'm still feeling bitter about next weekend. i am getting upset because my son, my little baby, is turning one. Mike doesn't seem to want to help out at all around here, and i refuse to let it all fall on me like it usually does, when it's his mother, plans still aren't set for the zoo and who is going and i am about to say screw it, and again, he hasn't even talked to his mother for two weeks. he decided to tell me today that on one of the days she is here, he will have to go to work half day. awesome, so it's up to me to occupy this woman. it's getting to be too much. i would never expect Mike to have to do this when my parents visit, and they get along just fine! he's going to be staying late at work all week because people are in the field, so there is no time for us. not like there ever is, since he goes to bed so early. and even today people from the shop were calling him all morning for stupid shit, when we're trying to spend time as a damn family. i am completely over this bullshit marine corps and i never want to have to deal with it ever, ever again. this egotistical stupid, childish, high school "i'm better than you" game, i have absolutely no respect. it's just too much for me to want to handle right now. i'm just getting irritated at the fact that i get to clean house and be nice, for a trip that should not be 8 days long. who in their right mind visits that long at random? what the hell is there to eve do? gosh, i just pray it all passes by rather quickly and i can be done with it. i just wish Mike would make me feel better about it all and kiss my butt a little this week. he has no idea what this is like for me. guh, i just want to scream.

in the last week i have been slapped with the past and Mike's friends. two of them messaged me and asked about Mike and life, yadda yadda. one, i never really had an issue with. it really bothered me only at the fact that i was counting on him to come see Mike before Deployment and he completely bailed. he might not like me but to my knowledge he has never disrespected me, or at least, too much. and the other told Mike that he hoped i died during MOS school. they both want to meet my son. i don't think i can let that happen. i am trying to burn so many bridges and let so many things go and i simply can not. it just isn't possible for me. even Tiffany was talking to Mike like nothing ever went on. but i am proud of his responses to her at least. i looked on her Facebook and was disgusted even more. it was her 21st birthday yesterday. she even made a status saying she was thinking of becoming a stripper to pay for a trip to california and florida. i just can not believe who she is becoming! and my mom brought up the point to me that Monique and i are extremely close, and yet, Mo is younger than my sister in law. and she's right. if Tiffany was a better person, had any sort of morals, and actually cared about anyone but herself, she would be a great person to have in my childrens life. as it is, they already don't have much family to call their own other than mommy, daddy, each other, and mimi and pops. it just, it's just astounding the things i have to deal with. and it makes me wonder sometimes, why i even married Mike in the first place.

however, i have amazing people in my life from Mikes past as well. oddly, they are both Stephs. lol. it made me feel amazing when Mike's old neighbor recently sent Ryder a birthday present for him. her and i have never met and it just means so much to me how much she cares about my little family. she is always telling me how good i am for Mike and she is happy that he found me. she knows the jist of the drama i went through and she knows Trish and Tiff, and she understands a lot more than most people. and just the fact that she is on our side, lifts me up so much. and Stephanie as well, she hung around the group and knew every little particle of drama and crap i went through. and she told me the other day that she understood now why i did, the things that i did. how everyone said i controlled Mike but Jon is even worse with his girlfriend. and the fact that i did what i felt best for my family and to this day, i know that the changes that have been made were exactly that, for my family. and those changes have helped us grow so much. but for someone that was there and witnessed it all first hand, telling me that she was proud of me for making it work, melts my heart completely.

:sighs:  it's just that everyday, i am changing. who i am as myself, as a mother, and who i am in this world. and the past few weeks i feel like Mike can't keep up. every so often i feel like we're a team but most days he comes home, ignores me, plays with Ryder, then goes to bed. i have been having an issue with my son and my husband as well. Ryder rarely fusses, he never gets cranky unless he's tired or hungry. lately whenever Mike is home, especially if i am upstairs doing something else, he can not contain my sons happiness. if i lay down for a nap i barely sleep because my son is downstairs crying or whining, which he never, absolutely never does for me. whenever Mike lays him down for a nap or bed, Ryder gets so worked up. the same with diaper changes, he throws a fit! and he hasn't been wanting to eat dinner that Mike makes. he still plays with Mike the same, but it's short lived, and then he goes off and plays by himself. it's so... strange. maybe because i have been irritated with Mike, especially when it comes to Ryder. like this morning i slept in and went downstairs and saw Ryder had a soggy diaper. i asked Mike to change it while i grabbed something to eat and he was doing something on his phone. whenever i ask him to do something for our child and he doesn't do it right away, i get so irritated, since i am always on top of it while he is at work. so, i ended up not eating, so that i could change my sons diaper. it's getting more and more frequent, these little irritations. and it scares me because, i'm going to have my hands beyond full with two babies. while i change one of them, will the other have to wait when his/her dad is home for mom to get done changing one butt, to change the other? it just frustrates me, a lot. on the weekends when i can sleep in, take a nap, or study, it's always screwed up by Mike. also during the nap, Mollie got out, again, so i heard her running around barking and had to yell for Mike to go get her. and while i was doing my homework earlier i asked him to stay up with me, while he whined he was tired, kept farting, and thought it was funny to shut my laptop. bills are behind because he needs to take responsibility to help out and remember to pay something, help out somewhere... and it's just getting to be more than i would like to be dealing with. i had honestly hoped that he would go to the field this coming week so i could have my own time. and not have to deal with a crabby assed child for no reason. i know, i know. this is life. a part of marriage, part of being a family. i know that he helps out a lot more than a lot of guys out there, he provides for us, yadda yadda. but the fact that this next weekend and following week are going to annoy me enough, the fact that he's starting this crap now, makes me even more agitated.

oh how i need a day to just relax and not have to worry about one thing or anything. or handle things on my own. or have a husband that actually wants to stay up late and give me a hand or just.. i don't know. sit? lay with me and talk about nothing? i am hoping he just needed a day to not do anything, and that tomorrow he will get done what he needs to get done around here, and not throw the "i'm tired" card at me when i get far less sleep than he does. its just too much stress than i feel like dealing with lately and i am hoping after his mom leaves, things will be a lot less tense in our household.

regardless, i am enjoying the time i am having with my son while he's crabby at daddy. the BEST feeling is him walking up to me with his two teethed grin and throws his arms around my neck and just lays his head on my shoulder. or when he wakes up in the morning and i go to lay with him for a few minutes and he babbles all about his dreams. last night he was fussing a little, i thought he might want a bottle since he didnt want his dinner. i walked into his room and he smiled at me. i pulled him out of his crib to change his diaper and put lotion on him and he just talked to me, smiling. he grabbed his binkie and i laid him back down and he snuggled under his blankie and fell back to sleep. like, he just wanted to make sure mommy was still there for him, and he could go back to sleep in peace. i just love watching him grow and learn everyday. we bought laundry detergent today and he kept pulling the plastic cap off one part of it, and putting it back on where it belonged. he was being silly and crawling around all sideways today, and walking in circles like a nut. he knows what things are now, and where they go, and he's so interested to learn everything about this world. he's been saying "mama" a lot more and it just makes me melt. and he babbles from the time he wakes up until he falls asleep at night, just nonsense, but i love every word of it. i just love to sit and watch him do everything. and before bed he sat in my lap and laid back and watched a baby Einstein video with me, and i was just in heaven. even though my sweet baby boy is growing up, doesn't mean he is outgrowing his mommy as i had feared. he is just growing more so mommy can love him more. and i do, i fall in love with him every single day, all over again, multiple times. i wouldn't change having my son for anything in the entire world. and i am so lucky that he is mine. he makes everything make sense, and every hard, stressful, difficult time, a lot more enjoyous, all with that little perfect smile and laugh of his. <3

-ks.