sixty.

i am glad this week is over.
but it really has left too many things to run through my head, that i haven't thought about in awhile.
my son has been sick all week. last sunday night i checked on him before going to bed and he was burning up with a fever. i brought him into bed just to hold him because i didn't know what else to do. all day monday and tuesday and half the night in between, he ran a fever still. he was cranky and tired, didn't want to eat, just wanted to sleep, but wouldn't sleep at night. i shared a bed with him and got kicked, poked, jabbed, everything. it was uncomfortable but i had to be there for my son. he would wake up crying and it would take me an hour or more just to calm him down back into sleep. all the while my husband rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head. he left me to do everything. on tuesday i took him to the doctors and it was the most horrifying appointment i have ever been put through. he had a 102.3 temperature and he was screaming the entire time, tears streaming down his face. he didn't want to be touched, the doctor made me hold him down, as he clung to me, i could barely hear what the guy was saying until he left to "collect his thoughts" while i calmed him down. i did and as soon as the doctor walked back him, he started all over. i left the office in tears, hugging my baby that refused to let go of me. all of that and the doctor just told me that he was perfectly fine... really?? i called my mom in the parking lot. i am so tired of having to go through situations like this by myself.  haven't i been alone enough with my child? shouldnt i have someone to lean on, ever? but i don't. the only person i do happens to be over 2,000 miles away. it got the best of me.
wednesday he felt better but still was barely sleeping at night. but then, i was exhausted. i was getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night and that was all. on top of having to deal with everything else during the day.
by thursday, i had enough. there were no clean bottles or sippy cups, we were low on milk, Mike took the truck, and all Ryder wanted to do was be held. i couldn't do it alone anymore, so i snapped. i locked the door so when Mike got off, he couldn't get inside. he called throwing a fit saying he needed to get his uniform because he had duty the next day. he was trying to break in the house, i told him to leave us alone. he left and that's when i noticed the rash spreading out over my sons face and back side. i called him in a panic telling him i needed the truck NOW, i had to take Ryder to the emergency room. i had unlocked the door and he ran upstairs and grabbed Ryder, who was naked, and tried leaving, him with no clothes on, diaper bag unpacked. he just stood there holding my baby, while i got things ready. on the way there we didn't talk, he didn't say anything, then or in the emergency room. the doctor looked him over and told me that he had a viral infection and that him having a rash means it was being flushed out of his body. that his ears and throat looked good and he was hydrated. just let him sleep and eat when and what he wants to, and he will be fine in a few days. hearing that, was a whole weight brought off my shoulders. finally, an answer.
while we were waiting for the release papers, Mike held Ryder who was throwing whatever he was holding. every time something hit the floor Mike would say "damnit" i can not tell you how angry that makes me. do not swear in front of my toddler, especially when he's playing a normal toddler game with you. that is completely unnecessary, and uncalled for, and i refuse to have my son repeat those words! then Ryder threw is cover and he picked it up saying how nasty the floor was, yet he was just letting his child throw his binky onto it, and putting it back into his mouth without wiping it off. but he complains about how nasty his cover will get?! are you freaking kidding me?!
when we got home i told him to get his uniform and find elsewhere to stay. i was not going to stay up half the night with my child again, comforting him and trying to keep his fever bearable, while he gets a full nights rest and doesn't give a damn about anyone else. it isn't fair and i was too exhausted to fight. so he left and went to the bbq we were suppose to go to at D's, which i'm sure would have resulted in him drinking and him ignoring his baby and me chasing him, so i'm fine with not going like i had planned. the moment he left and i knew he wouldn't be back until saturday morning, i felt less stressed than i had all week. i got to focus on only my child and what he needed and wanted and he wasn't nearly as whiney when it was just him and i. we snuggled and played and sprawled out in bed, it was nice. i had missed those moments, so much. and i didn't get irritated with someone else that wasn't helping out. that night he ignored all my calls, had the truck, and didn't give a damn if something had happened to his son or not. i think that's what pissed me off the most. i don't care how pissed you are but we just took our son to the emergency room hours before, you have our only transportation, and you refuse to pick up the phone. no, there is no excuse for that, ever.
i had debated on locking him out saturday morning but my mom flat out told me i needed help with the baby and i shouldnt. so i didn't. he crawled into and put his arm around me after taking a shower. i told him he needed to go find somewhere else to lay, he said he was fine. of course i was fuming so, i couldn't fall back to sleep. which was fine because shortly after he did, Ryder woke up and i wasn't about to let him sleep through it. so i made him get up and play with his son for once. he was falling asleep and i couldnt help my laugh inside. this is what he gets. you can not choose when to be a parent, or when to be awake when you have a toddler. i never have the freedom to shower, eat, sleep, do anything i want to. my child runs my life, i am a mom and i am 100% fine with that. when Ryder went to take a nap, i laid down too and gave Mike a list of chores to do. he did a few things then took a nap until Ryder woke up and i made him wake up again. i wasn't playing those games anymore.
the night he had duty, kelly, a female friend of mikes from back home and i were texting. she randomly popped back into our lives and wanted to visit in a month. i was fine with it for a little while then i decided why should i be okay with it? this is the one i felt uncomfortable with right before we left, how they would hang out alone and how he was throwing her in the pool when we were all swimming and ignoring me... when i was his wife. i don't really care how many times you tell me she's "just one of the guys," it isn't right. i was one of the guys everywhere i went, didn't stop them from anything, or vice versa. i knew they were texting the night he was on duty, so i checked his phone.
he deleted the conversation.
.........................................................................
seriously?
my mind didn't jump automatically to something sexual, but clearly they were talking about things they shouldnt. whether it was bitching about me or sexual things, for him to have deleted it. of course my mind is going to hop around, havent i dealt with this and him before? i went through his photos and he had taken a photo of himself on duty, and immediately i knew he had sent it to her. that was when i called this entire trip off. i'm not playing games, i'm too busy raising my son and growing my daughter to have to worry about my husband sneaking off downstairs while i'm asleep and theres a lone female sleeping on my couch. i was done, so that caused a fight.and of course he told her i blew things out of proportion and i said she couldnt come. which is okay because she really wasn't coming for me or my kid anyway. i asked him if he was sorry for things he had done, or rather, not done this week and all he said was "sorry i didnt wake up enough for you." it just kills me.
this weekend we have been pretty cold towards one another. i slept more today, or tried, just so i could get some rest in me in case Ryder needed me this coming week. but now when i just looked at his phone, i realized that every time i was sleeping, or doing something else, he was texting kelly. i got out of bed an hour after Ryder did, and they whole time he was suppose to be taking care of and playing with his son, he was texting her. even during my sons bath time, while i was finishing dinner! are you freaking kidding me?! i am so angry right now, i had to stop myself from crying. not to mention, they were talking about the past. there is nothing i hate more than when people bring up Mikes past. he's married with two kids now, the old him, those old times, are fucking dead. can people not respect that? she was telling him how she was over at his moms house, and once, called her "mom" and not your mom, which threw me off. talking about his dogs and how she was drinking in his pool, that the last time they hung out they were in the pool, so many flashbacks came to her mind, them riding bikes, going to the club, yadda yadda. THOSE.DAYS.ARE.DEAD.
and i'm really sick and tired of people bringing them back up.  i just can't take it after this long week i have had! i shouldnt have to deal with anything more than my sick son! and now, i have to deal with my husband talking to someone else, more than his wife, and spending more time talking to her than playing with his son. i never have my phone on me during the day when i have my son. i don't do other things while he is awake. even if he doesn't play with me, i still sit and watch him, or even read a book until he calls me over to play with him. but i would never and will never spend more time talking to someone else than my own son, or own husband. regardless of the conversation and i don't think anything sexual was said, it isn't right, at all. and i'm not about to continue to deal with this crap. i shouldn't have to force myself awake during the day so he doesn't talk to someone else!!!

tomorrow we will have been married for two years. and honestly, i just want to lay in bed with my son and watch movies. or chase him around the house, teach him something new. after reading their conversation and reading the time stamps, i really want nothing to do with him. instead of being so happy that we made it to two years, i can't help but sit here and wonder why the hell i stuck around for so long? this past week he was a completely different person. it's one thing to hurt me but now i see that you're ignoring your kid. changing his diaper and washing his bottles doesn't constitute as giving him attention, especially since you've barely been around all week. i just don't understand how a parent can ignore a child like that, or not hear or wake up to his cries in the middle of the night. and knowing we are 9 weeks from having a newborn and seeing how he is when i need him this past week, i'm really contemplating going home to my mom. i've told him countless times that i can not do this on my own. i have no idea what has gotten into him this week, but if this continues, i don't think i can just stay and battle it out myself. he calls me a bitch for locking him out and asking him to leave but what else can i do?
 i have been so tired i have bawled my eyes out. i have taken a crap with a toddler crying on my lap because i couldn't put him down. i have stayed up half the night just waiting for him to cry and the other half calming him down from crying. it's been tough, really tough, but those two nights Mike was gone, were the two easiest nights this past week. and that isn't a normal thought, you know? i love being a mom and i love being able to be there when my son needs me but i can see how much Mikes absence lately has affected him. there is no way Mike can calm him down in the middle of the night, it HAS to be me. he takes to me so much better and i don't think it's because i have been there longer. it's just how his dad has been acting lately, babies know, i know that they do. they know things even before we do. its all just killed me this week and i just want this house to my son and i. things are orderly, on time, follow a routine, and neat. i dont have to be upset because he's texting someone else, or not waking up with Ryder in the middle of the night, or saying things he shouldnt around my son. i dont have to feel insecure because he isn't being affectionate, or irritated because i'm randomly being grouped and him wanting sex, when he makes me feel like a hog. i dont have to be upset when he's rather go to sleep early than stay up and watch a movie with me.especially tonight.
i just liked it better with just my son and i, and i think i would feel the same just my son, daughter, and i. i like struggling on my own. i loved those two nights away from my husband.
i just don't know how much more i can take right now. not with Lyvi being so close to being here, things getting uncomfortable and difficult, still so much to do, knowing there will be even less sleep, and less help, right around the corner. i'm so overwhelmed and if things dont change fast, it's going to be just me from the beginning again.

of course, to every not so happy post, there is a happy ending. what my mother says is true. that if you have complete and total happiness in your children, then life is completely worth every moment. i don't need a man to make me happy anymore, i have my son and all his silliness. :)
he now has five teefers. his top two poked through and a random bottom left one. he has learned to pick his nose. and now, take off his diaper, put it on his head, and run away from me. he follws me into the bathroom to pee and closes the door and i say "uh oh speghettios" and he mimics it back in baby language. but when you know what to look for, you can hear it clear as day. whenever i give him a snack he makes a sound like "thank you" because i am already teaching him manners. he has learned a few new dance moves, to the hot dog dance song of course! he can now crawl onto the chair, using his rocking chair, that he scoots over to it, just to sit like a big boy. he has an over exaggerated smile, it's so super cheesy. he loves to take a hair brush and brush mommys hair, and he's really good at it too, nice and gentle. he always lifts up my shirt to squeeze my belly button and smile. i tell him "baby" and he says "babuh" then lays his head on my belly. Lyvia likes to kick him, that's for sure! he has been super snuggly all week and i absolutely adore it. even through the exhaustion, i love how much he needs me. i love laying with him in the middle of the night just staring at each other in the dark. he always wraps his arm around my neck and plays with my hair. he is such a sweet little boy.
i love being his mommy. always have, and always will. <3

-ks

fifty nine.

what a wonderful weekend.
finally my husband is off the range, so he had a lot more energy this weekend and didn't go to bed at 9 like he has all week. we watched a movie and played with the kiddo.
Sunday morning, after being awake with Ryder a few times that night, i was awoke by Mike and Ryder bringing me donuts, cookies, and bacon in bed. Mike even got me a card and hand wrote a little post it note from Ryder saying he was sowwy for keeping me up last night, that he just missed me. it was pretty cute. he did a good job, when i figured he would forget about getting me a card. which is all i really wanted in the first place.
we got ready and i felt pretty for once, and was wearing a dress, it was hot as hell outside, and i decided this was going to be my summer attire, it felt so nice, lol.
Ryder, Mike and I went out to dinner at a not so awesome buffet, but Ryder liked it because he got to try lots of stuff. he's absolutely adorable with new foods. he gnaws on it for a second and if he doesn't like it, he sticks his tongue out, and hands it back. i love this stage! but when he likes something he goes "mmm!"
i had to stop and thank my mini man for making me a mommy. there hasn't been a day that has gone by since he was born that i haven't loved being his mom. he has made me realize so much and it's the best thing i have ever done. he's awesome, i was so blessed with an amazing baby! even if he grew a weenie. :)
we went to Target for diapers and Mike bought be a fuzzy fuzzy zebra print blanket that i have been talking about since Christmas. i am all about comfort lately and i looove being wrapped in a soft blanket. and we decided i will get another late mommys day gift once we clear out Lyvia's room, that we haven't even started on, since i have too many books, i can get another big bookshelf. my poor, poor obsession! i really need to find a way to sell the ones i no longer want since bookoo isn't doing me any good right now. i hate the clutter in my closet.
we came home and let Ryder stay up an hour and a half after his bedtime just to play, and put him to bed. then we snuggled under my new blanket, he was feeling Lyvi kick like crazy! and watched a movie. we havent laid together in like, a week, so it was amazing. :)
and then my poor baby had a night terror. he gets these sometimes, i was just laying in bed reading and he woke up screaming and crying. i ran to his room and he had tears streaming down his cheeks, just laying there. i picked him up and he refused to open his eyes. i tried to calm him down, talk to him, everything. i went down with him to make a bottle and he didn't even want it. it broke my heart! i was standing with him in his room when Mike came in and grabbed him and he screamed and cried even harder!!! i wasn't about to try to fight him, so i grabbed his blankie and binky and went and laid with him in our bed and he was instantly calm, eyes still closed, clinging to my shirt. i guess he wakes up and doesn't want to be alone. he's going through something only he knows, it's so sad.
but i got to snuggle with my little boy. while Mike laid all comfy in our king sized bed, i had a toddler clung to me, his feet in my belly, and me having about three inches of bed to lay on, haha. but i wouldn't have changed it for anything. it was an uncomfortable night and Daddy let me sleep in a little bit this morning, and yes, i was pretty sore. but holding onto my baby that refused to let go of me all night long, felt so wonderful. i love that feeling of being needed, and wanted. he woke up just talking away, he's starting to make new sounds, like with his tongue. his top two teefers broke through, so i think he thinks it feels funny on his tongue. but he was fine all day today, like nothing ever scared him last night. i'm staying up a little later tonight to see if he wakes up again. the last week or so he's been waking up between 1-2. mommy will be ready. :)
today, Mike had off work because they were all in the field/range last week, so we got an extra family day and Mike wanted to go swimming. i absolutely love how much my little fishie likes to swim. i love seeing him and his dad in trunks together and playing in the water, and watching Ryder kick hims little legs and arms like a pro. i adore the little life jacket thingies they have at the pools for the babies too! seeing as it was 103 degrees today and it isn't even the beginning of summer yet, i'm glad we have a new family thing to do together. me and my bikini and my preggo belly with my little boy behind me. i love him more than anything in this world. and when we put him in the car afterwards, he was talking away like he was telling us everything about it. i love him.
i got to take a nap today. Mike is starting the "youre really pregnant, you have an excuse to nap" deal now, haha. it's nice that he acknowledges that it's getting more difficult to do things, and make it through a normal day. he even rubs my back at random and helps me stand up when i'm sitting. how adorable is he? lol! then we chased Ryder around and gave him a bath and put him to bed.
i love the little down time we have when the baby goes to sleep. i like working as a team with laundry and picking up all his toys and cleaning things up. i like watching him put his uniform together for the week, and just collapse on the couch for a few minutes before bed. it's such a nice feeling, being a team and getting shores done, especially without having to repeat myself. i have to admit, this was a pretty good weekend in our household.

but what made me most happy was how much my mommy liked her calla lily plant i sent her for mommys day from the babies and i. :) that was the best mothers day present, just knowing she liked it. she thanked me half a dozen times and it makes me feel good that i gave her something she can hold onto for a little while, and not have it die within a week, haha. she deserves it, she deserves a helluva lot more for putting up with me for 23 years, and now being away from her grandbabies. she's the best mom ever! :D

fifty eight.

whyyyy can i not escape it?!

mike and i have been married for 2 years at the end of this month. yay!

yet i still can't escape the drama and people trying to creep into our lives. 

mikes little sister just texted him to remind him that it's ryan's brothers 5 year death anniversary. no idea why he died, more than likely alcohol or drugs.

but mike hasn't talked to ryan in like, a year. why would it even matter now? it didn't last year, it won't this year. not to mention, it's after midnight. mike sleeps, we have a child, uhm hello!? i'm sorry youre up drinking at 2am with no life, and hanging out with all your brothers old friends, must you involve my husband?!

whats even weirder and more annoying is that Sable, yes, as in sexting Sable, tried adding me on facebook last night. i just stared at the screen like, really? so i messaged her and asked her to please stop trying to add me, i'm just going to deny it, she has no right in my life, my husbands life, or know anything about my children.

so she texts me.

she apologizes for the incident and she "can't believe she was texting MY mike, and not the guy she was meaning to." lies! and she hopes things are better between us despite of it. i told her yes, yes sable, things are perfectly fine between my husband and i. that something so immature as that couldn't tear us apart and we're happy with out family now. she said she was happy for us, yadda yadda. why?! this shit happened almost 2 years ago and i haven't talked to her since. why do these people constantly bring me up, try to contact me, and can't just leave us alone? why do you seem to think a text apology makes it go away, just because mike and i are good now. i can forgive him, you, never. i will still punch you in the freaking face if i ever see you again. "sorry i texted the wrong guy my raunchy nastiness while you were in indiana" doesn't really cut it for me, sorry. she seems to think we're fine now, because she called me tonight. it's a saturday, my husband is home, we have a family, we have lives. we were out for a walk and i just ignored it and texted her later to see what she wanted. "oh, just to chat, i'm driving so i thought we could catch up."... it's almost 8 o clock at night and i have a toddler and a husband. i don't like you, i want to run you over with my moms conversion van, don't call me. 

seriously.

it's like, i move across the country with my husband, go through a deployment, we have almost two babies together, and they still won't leave us alone. mike hasn't talked to any one of those guys in, as i said, close to a year, minus the one night we got into that big fight and he texted jon and ryan, but after that realized what an idiot that made him out to be and hasn't talked to them since. i don't understand why they can't just move on.

i hate when tiffany posts shit about "missing the old days" with her brother, skating, drinking and partying. first, it makes me mad because she copied his life. half the things she's into, mike started. i love that we're out here and he can have his own life and things to do without a stupid little girl following him around everywhere, screwing his friends. i now see why my brother got so irritated when i would try to do things like this. tiffany and mike have the same age difference as kevin and i. and i was nowhere near this bad. not one thing mike had, that tiffany didn't do. it's just gross. i hate seeing pictures of the Mike before me, because he doesn't exist anymore, or seeing her taking pictures in his old room or seeing old pictures with his old car that is now in a junkyard. 

it makes me most angry that that is the mike they remember, thats the mike they will always keep in their minds, instead of realizing hey, he's happily married now with a son and a daughter. that maybe he isn't that wreckless crazy motorcycle rider anymore, that maybe he would rather stay up late with his son that doesn't want to go to sleep and watch a baby einstein video with, and get up early with him to dance to the hot dog dance on mickey mouse clubhouse, rather than stay up half the night partying and drinking, and sleeping half the day away. they will never see this amazing man that i live with everyday. being a committed full time dad means more than anything in this world. more than drinking and having fun, fucking random girls, getting hammered and throwing up because of it. and not one of them will ever see that. it's sick, extremely sick.

and i am glad we have him to ourselves for the next year and a half. 

the man i met almost three years ago couldn't tell you who he wanted to be in life. he told me he didn't know if he wanted to get married, or ever become a father. he had a one tracked mind on skateboarding, street racing, being a kid and having fun. every friday night in the summer he would go up to Doty to street race and run from the cops, saturday nights consisted of multiple kinds of alcohol. early mornings were used for hessville and coffee, then off to the skatepark. at that time, he didn't have a job, and he didn't want to go back to school, had no idea what career he wanted. he wasted money on booze and going out to eat and he lived in his moms basement. he had a total of about 5 different shirts. all he cared about was having fun with his friends, even if they werent always there for him, or bashed his new girlfriend. he never stood up for anything, not even me.

Mike has changed so, so much. and i can not think about how far he still has yet to go anymore, because his changes in three years have been so great. he's a complete family man. instead of talking about wanting a new motorcycle or new car, he talks about what life he wants for the kids. friday nights consists of throwing pillow and blankets on the floor and rolling around with his toddler, bath times, night time bottles and rocking him to sleep. saturday mornings hold cartoons that he knows all the lyrics of the theme songs to. instead of drinking all night, he crawls into bed with his wife and holds onto her tight. he still skates, just not as often. he still rides but not nearly as wrecklessly. he still drinks but only beer. he doesn't want to waste any more time of his life, not paying attention or enjoying every moment with his son, and soon to be daughter. i wish everyone could see him the way that i do, and i wish someone else could even be half as proud of him as i am, and i know the kids will be too. when asked who has changed his life the most, he looks at me, and smiles. because we all know it. they might see it that i changed his life, controlled him, everything in a negative manner, but his opinion matters most. and they need to realize how positively i have changed him. despite our fighting or me "controlling" him, i did what needed to be down. what someone should have done with him a long time ago, to steer him in the right direction. i stood along side him through thick and thin and i am not going anywhere, ever. 

i use to worry about moving back to indiana. and mike slipping up, falling back into old habits, arguing with him on him going to doty, or out to a bar to drink, or me staying at home with the kids all saturday so he can go skate and be a kid again. but i no longer worry about any of that. he answers all my questions exactly how i would hope he would. when i ask him if he plans to be friends with them again he said more than likely not. that there isn't trust there anymore. when i ask, on whos end, he said both. but mostly his. he can't trust them to be good influences on the kids, or be there for all of us if we need it. he can't trust them drinking in front of his toddlers. that yes, when we move back he still plans to drink, but have a few friends over for a barbeque or something, nothing at all like it use to be. that he will always keep his head and his heart with his family at all times, and put us first. and it's so wonderful to hear. after so long of wondering and worrying and wanting to walk away from it all, everything is falling into place as it should be. i couldn't be more thankful to have such an amazing man that has gone through so many changes for his family, and made things be where they need to be. i love every little piece of him for it. and i love getting to know this new man i live with, since he is so different than the one that i met over Myspace, lol! we're a team, we stick together, hand in hand, all four of us. now, and forever. <3

-ks.

fifty seven.

i will never get over the heart melting, of being a mommy.
lately i have really gotten into being a mom. i see different moms and shake my head, or i read posts about moms being sick of their kids, complaining about exhaustion or whatever else. and i just sit back, stare at my son, and smile.
becoming a mom really changed my life, as nothing else in my life ever has. and it isn't because he is constantly attached to me, or i HAVE to be a mom because i got myself pregnant and had no choice but to take responsibility.
for the last year of my life i have enjoyed losing sleep all because my little boy needed his mommy. i wake up earlier than i want to, i'm tired all the time, and something, right as i'm falling asleep, Ryder has a nightmare and cries for me, so i get out of bed to lay with him in his tiny little crib for as long as it takes.
i have learned to enjoy my favorite foods cold. i can barely remember a time where i have finished a meal cold, i cook when i'm not hungry so my boys have something to eat, i share whatever it is i'm eating, or i have a can of baby snacks by my side. it never fails, even if he JUST ate, he's grabbing at my plate.
i really want to get a soundproof bedroom when we move with just the baby monitor. i hate noise, except anything my son is doing. whether it be whining, crying, or babbling, of pressing the same damn button on his toy over and over and over and over again, or watching the same episode of his cartoons for the thousandth time, i never mind.
i love the hubbub of trying to get out the door and not forget anything. i have two things i grab, and a million for my son. and about to be even more, twos of everything, in different sizes and shapes, for both my kiddos. after getting the hang of it all, it's kind of what i live for now.
now that Ryder is old enough, i love teaching him things. i love counting things for him, making different sounds, saying small words and showing him what i am saying. i love watching him. that's the reason i never get things done around here. it's because i sit and play and watch him all day long. it isn't because i'm too tired or lazy. he's just so curious and interesting, he's such a distraction, lol. his latest thing is putting items on his head. he will walk around with a bucket on his head, staring at his feet, and run into things, then decide to take it off. he loves to put sunglasses on his head like mommy and daddy, and he steals Mikes cover after work and wears it around the house.  he also enjoys putting small things into big things. mainly shoes. we're always finding little toys in our shoes left by our son. and he tries to put ends of easter eggs back together, though they're usually the same end, but he tries! he points at things rather than slams his whole hand onto it. he always follows us into the bathroom when we go potty so we got the bright idea to teach him to flush the toilet today. he absolutely loves water, of any kind, and he loves running his hands under the faucet stream. he eats mostly all table food now, figuring out what he likes is a challenge but we experiment. he hates the graduates dinners, or anything "baby" i guess, but eats portions of our foods just fine. he now squats to take a poop and we think it's hilarious, he just stands up and walks away when he's done. he knows things he isn't suppose to touch. like mommys phone, laptop, and camera. he will look at it and say "nu uh" because he knows, but tries anyway. and he's learning body parts, just won't say them yet. he has a fascination with my husbands nipples, that are the size of dimes, as well as his bellybutton. he's learning to be more gentle with hair, he likes to run his fingers through it, or even a brush, until he hits you with it too hard and you take it away. he will walk up to you, throw his arms around your neck, and just pick his knees up because he knows you will pick him up that way, we are trying to teach him to say "up" and he likes to sit in your lap when he watches his cartoons. he has taken to carrying around a blankie in the mornings, holding it up to his ear like Linus on Snoopy, but he doesn't have a favorite one, as long as it feels soft. he can say a handful of words, which makes me super proud of him! and there isn't a moment in the day that passes by that i don't feel lucky about being his mom.

i read too much. whether it be on facebook or in a novel i'm reading, about moms. moms that hand their kids off to other people to go out, to party. moms that don't pay enough attention to their children so accident happen, or they don't even notice their child is sick. moms with a night off from their child because of their baby daddy, and goes out, drinks, and posts facebook photos of them drinking, tongues sticking out, a peace sign, or grabbing another girls boob. moms constantly talking about another guy, or something they want, like a car, instead of talking about their kid. moms that never post anything about their child whatsoever. moms that can't wait to put their kid in daycare and not have to "deal with them" everyday, all day. i don't understand it, at all. who are these women?! maybe they just werent ready.

i am a mom. i am a 24/7 mom. when i wake up, eat, sleep, poop, shower, i'm a mom. i don't bother with mommy time because there is nothing better than spending time with my baby. i hate being away from him, there is no fun in that. i love the feeling of being a family. i got married, and don't have to deal with baby daddy drama. Michael and i are a team, and being so, so are our children. i still shed tears of joy at how happy i am to have such an amazing little person in my life, he has saved me. i love that we can be a family and i dont have to send him away for a weekend with his dad. even exhausted or sick, i couldnt ask for a better life. i love every minute of being a mom. bags under my eyes and all. there is no better feeling that looking at my beautiful little boy and awaiting the arrival of his little sister.

knowing that i have done this one thing right in my life, makes my entire life worth living. i can't imagine one single moment without that little boy in my life. he is my life, my everything, my entire world. and i miss him so much, just because he is sleeping in the next room. i can not wait to wake up and see his smiling face, carry him downstairs while he tells me all about his dreams in his little baby babble, put on cartoons and sit with him in my lap as we both eat dry cheerios, him drinking his milk. i am so happy that i get to spend the rest of my life with this little guy, and watch him and help him learn and grow. every time i look at him, i know that i finally, finally, got something right.

i love you Michael Ryder.
i love you Lyvia Jean.
always, always. <3

-ks.

fifty six.

man, am i so over this god forsaken place.
i use to love it out here but this past week has gotten the best of me and i can't wait to start packing up my life into boxes and get the fuck out of this place. being positive doesn't really help in all of this, but i tried for a few days, hasn't worked. but whatever. i keep telling myself just stick to myself for a little while longer and we will be moving back before i know it.

over two weeks ago i tried to rehome our dog Scout on the sites and pet sites out here. him and Indy haven't been getting along, when Mike's mom was he he ran into and knocked Ryder over and made him cry, and no matter how many times we fix the gate, he paws his way out and i really don't feel like chasing after a freakin dog constantly, especially with a toddler that follows me everywhere. i was told that i had to give him back to the ranch we adopted him from. okay, that's fine. so, i contacted them and i went days without hearing back from them. i saw that she posted on her ranch page that she needed a foster for this dog because his "current family wasn't able to handle the responsibility of taking on a puppy." i'm floored. fist, that wasn't the reasoning at all, he's a problem dog for us and it's becoming too much of an issue. i'm sorry but when i have another puppy his same age, after raising and training them the same and he still doesn't get it after months, i no longer really care. i tried doing the right thing by finding him a new home and drama blew up. i tried contacting the ranch and they failed to handle it in a professional manner. she failed to mention she was out of state and couldn't take him back until such and such a time, or that she needed to find a foster for him first. and then slanders me on her facebook page, i didn't really think it was appropriate. then i told her i was going to do it myself and blocked her. my friend, whom this ranch has also done something similar to, messaged me telling me she wrote an even worse post saying i had blocked her and for everyone to check the shelter, that she was worried about the dog and  yadda yadda, making me out to be a bad person. i think that's my biggest peeve. first, it was no ones business why we are rehoming our dog. if the ranch wanted to know, okay. but to post such things on the internet about something you have no idea about? it's just terrible. and here she is suppose to be a professional ranch owner? who doesn't even have the ranch anymore. so people are posting how shitty a person i am for "not giving him back" and how irresponsible, that they were going to come to the house to get the dog, act like theyre interested in adopting him and take him. complete and utter bullshit. i hate when people slander my name when i haven't even done anything! clearly i am able to handle a dog, of any sort. i've had Indy for almost 3 years now and he's doing just fine. we got Mollie as a puppy and she's just fine too! but the fact that i was doing the right thing by finding him a new home, and got drama for it, is beyond ridiculous. and the fact that someone would post such things, when they are suppose to be an adult and not communicating with me properly, is even worse. regardless, Scout is gone. and even in the getting rid of him process, there was drama. i once again posted i was looking for a home for him and some girl whom, if i ever see again, i will knock the hell out, blew up my facebook saying she could get him last night. i told her that today was better because we were busy and had dinner to take care of and a toddler bath/bed time. she continued to write me on facebook, and then her husband called mine. i HATE pushy people, i didn't respond for an hour because i have a life and they clearly do not, and one of her friends blew up the post i posted about Scout. but Mike told them they can come get him, without even telling me or asking me or respecting what i had JUST told him, so that caused a fight and he's lucky he told them he would take the dog to them or i would have had my fists flying. Scout gone, the girl that came and got him passed him off to someone else and apparently they're going to give him to the ranch, and once again, by doing the right thing, my name is slandered in the desert. awesome....  whatever. >.>

i've had an issue with Mike all week. he goes to work to come home and complain he's tired, while i've gotten very little sleep because Ryder is teething and it isn't fun to go through. i hate when he walks through the door to complain he's tired. i've been tired for a year and a half, and i will be tired for the next ohhh, 25 years or so?! and i'm even more exhausted because i stay in the house most days. when i use to have a job, i had so much more energy, even after a 12 hour shift. it's just annoying, complaining makes everything worse on anyone around you. not to mention for some reason, Ryder is still super cranky when his dad gets home, i have no freakin idea why but i'm about to lose my mind. he's NEVER like that during the day, at all. the only time he gets crabby is when it's nap time, that's it! and then Mike gets home and he whines for hours, it makes no sense and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. and Mike hasn't wanted to help much this week, i was feeding Ryder dinner and he was just playing on his phone, he didn't take Ryder upstairs for bath time when it was time, so i did, it's just like, i went through hell and was nice when your mom visited and she leaves and you digress back into a jerk who just sits on the couch when you get home and falls asleep right after your son does? makes me so angry! and still, more complaints about work or whatever else. it's just frustrating because things keep going back to bad, even if for a few days. when i have tried so hard to make so many changes in myself to make a positive, happy, healthy home for my family and he comes in and tarnishes it with his complaints and talking about work. i have had to tell him countless times how little i care about the marine corps and when he gets home, leave it at the door. his lack of communication skills is once again down the drain... it's great for a little while then he falls back. and with Lyvia coming and everything else i'm dealing with, i can't handle it. and he wondered why i blew up at him last night about the stupid dog. because he's not been who he should be all week long! gosh i can only hope next week he gets his head out of his butt. there's too many issues i'm having with him this week and as much as i want to vent about it, i'm a better person than he is now and i would rather not make him out to be the dick that he is.

another thing that pissed me off this week is when i went to the WIC office. seems like everything i did was wrong. especially with breastfeeding. they asked me if i was going to with this one and i told them no. i have absolutely no plans to breastfeed. it isn't for me, i tried it, but this time it isn't worth it to me, all the more props to moms thats do, but i don't think it would be fair on Ryder if i'm sitting on the couch with his sister attached to me instead of playing with him or giving him what he needs. it's too time consuming and i'm constantly chasing my first around. no, i'm not educated on breastfeeding nor do i care to be at all. this is my choice and i really wish people would learn to respect it. after telling her no, she went into a 20 minute conversation about how i should, all the benefits, it will make my child smarter and get sick less often. uhm, really lady? my son is incredibly smart, and he has gotten the flu once from his dad, and a running nose about twice in a year. while you're sitting here telling me i need to nurse my newborn, i have to chase my toddler 3 times. really, i'm suppose to chase my kid with a baby on my tit? not for me, sorry. i said no, leave it alone. i was already irritated because i had to go there alone and chase a kid and got crap for still giving him purees and giving him a bottle still, like i don't know how to raise a child. i hate people like that, i hate moms in general. my kid drinks from anything you hand him, i don't think handing him a bottle every so often is going to affect anything. he eats what he eats, but he EATS, is the most important part. and he eats whole foods as well, so it's not like it's all purees. i still have jars of purees that i have always mixed with cereal, should i waste them? no. lately over half the women that have kids are making me so mad. they need to stop pushing ideas and beliefs onto others, i had this from someone before Ryder too and i refuse to have her on my page because she ALWAYS has something to say. my kid is super smart and always happy, he is now up to his weight requirement after his reflux passed and i did it on my own for 6 months, i'd say i'm doing a damn good job and i will with my daughter as well, without breastfeeding and giving her a bottle until she doesn't want it anymore. i'm already a strict parent and i enforce safety rules for my son because now is the time that he can easily get hurt with things. Mike doesn't get it yet, and i'm hoping he will very soon before my son sticks his dads keys that he isn't suppose to have, into the electrical socket that he pulls the baby proof plug out of every time i put it back in there. it's just one more thing to add to my week of annoyances. when it comes to being a parent, my mom says i am now a pro, and not to toot my own horn but i believe it. i do a damn good job, have an extremely well behaved one year old who is always on his best behavior, well, with his mom at least, and he's extremely smart and happy all the time, well, again, with his mom. haha. how i do things is how i do things, have a problem with it, step out of my life.

i'm sure theres ten thousand more things that annoyed me this week but, it's the weekend, i'll sulk and get over it by tomorrow night and start fresh on Sunday. i laid out the law to Mike and he didn't say anything which is no surprise there, and we're currently ignoring each other while Ryder naps before we go and he gets me more agitated at the commissary.

but again, to every bad week there is always something good that happens, or good moments at least. way to be positive mama! :D
i currently have mason jars of my very first homemade pickles.
i made a crock pot dinner last weekend for the first time.
Monique made some bomb ass cupcakes that i devoured.
Ryders two front teeth are one more day closer to coming through.
he's been snuggling and happy all week during the day, he even sat in my lap on his own and snuggled with my arm while watching cartoons for 10 whole minutes, which is a huge accomplishment for my constantly on the go toddler.
he talk, talk, talks alllll the time now and i love it, and cant ever really make out what he's saying but its adorable nonetheless.
Monique and i were talking about how it's nearly impossible to hate life, or be in a bad mood even for an entire day with a baby around. they're too innocent and cute and precious, you just look at them and it all melts away and she is absolutely true. and you can never stay mad at them, ever. it's something to live for and i'm perfectly content. i have no idea what i would do without that baby boy to keep my sanity! <3

-ks.

fifty five.

i am just so over run with love today.

my mother in law left on Saturday morning and after walking in the house with my boys, locking the door and finally breathing clearly for the first time in a week, i got to spent the most amazing lazy weekend with my boys. complete with pillows and blankets on the floor and rolling around having tickle fights in our underwear. she is back in Indiana and we have our lives back.

honestly, the visit wasn't that bad. she talked, entirely too much, and announced dumb things that i didn't care about. she talked about coffee, while she was making coffee, and announced every time she was going to give herself her MS shot. i was shocked that she had nothing bad to say about my father in law, i know that took a lot from her. she didn't really talk about Mike's old friends and the only mention of Tiffany was talking about how she needs to grow up and get a reality check. but other than that, it really wasn't too bad. she respected me all week and knew her place and stayed on the sidelines when we needed her to be, like Ryders shots. she wasn't really that involved in Ryder, changed a few diapers and carried him a few times but that was all. Mike said she must have just forgotten how to handle a baby but a true mother never forgets those things. i let her and Mike and even Ryder have a little bit of alone time when i slept in a little and went out to lunch with Monique. i didn't hide out in my bedroom and just ignored the things i didn't want to hear. she bought us a crockpot as an extremely late wedding present, the air mattress was only used twice and she left it here for us that i'm sure we will never use, she helped with the dishes and vacuumed when she saw things on the floor. it was nice to have an extra set of hands but she did tend to get in the way of things. she paid for dinner and breakfast the night and morning she left, the goodbye was awkward, but we survived, with no blow ups or stress.

the only thing that made me upset which, wasn't her fault. was how she talked about his grandmas funeral and how drunk he was the night after and how she had his head in his sisters lap and she had to help in the house. for some reason that struck a cord for me, apparently i'm just not over the entire situation. not Mike's part in it so much as Trish was really the reason it all hapened. i should have been able to be there for Mike but she didn't let me be. he should have been leaning on me that week, but instead she kept me from the man i loved when he needed me the most. it obviously doesn't matter now, but it hurt me and i went upstairs and let a few tears fall because of it. Mike came upstairs and we talked about it while in the shower and he really did make things better and calmed me down a bit. i know it's the past, and it's just one more thing that i can not forgive her for. but that isn't my husbands fault. i just didn't think it needed to be talked about but i don't really think she understands what even happened between us that week. another bridge crossed.

as nice as the visit was, i really don't see much changing. i know her and Mike won't talk more, she might ask more about Ryder, and we won't see her again until next year sometime. her and i didn't get closer, but i do hope she respects me more. i was polite when i needed to be and wished her safe travels but the only thing this trip really did for me was open my eyes to what an amazing thing Mike and i have between us. having her in my house knowing she caused a divorce between her and her husband and the reason he wasn't around much was all her doing, i couldn't ever imagine living without my husband and not having him around our children everyday. no matter how much we fight or argue or how many times i think i'd rather be on my own. the thought that he would miss any more of the kids lives than he already does, tears me apart. no one really knows why she divorced Troy, i'm fairly certain there is no valid answer. or why she is STILL trying to get child support from him when Mike is almost 25, married, with two children, and Tiffany just turned 21. i won't ever agree with it. but that makes us a stronger family. we talked about Mike and i's wedding and how she's "talking" to a guy she met on eharmony and might get married again some day, it was just extremely weird. and the way she talked and acted around Colbert made it all worse. her and i don't have much in common and i don't agree with any of her decisions in life, but she respected me and didn't mess up with my child and for that, i have come to realize that i can have her as part of our life. it's done and over with though and i handled it really well, she's gone, time to move on.

all week though, i have looked at my husband differently. it's amazing to see the change in who he use to be and who he is now. i don't think i fully appreciated that until she came to visit. the last time i saw her i wanted no future with Michael because of the way he acted, and he learned his lesson and he was who Ryder and i needed him to be. he was there beside me for Ryders shots and he was there when i got the shakes. he didn't change when his mom came here like he did last time and i fell for him all over again. and i really do hope that his mother is proud of him like i am. i think she saw how much change has been made between the two of us and in us two, she finally understands more than she use to. she can see that we are a healthy, happy, loving family, something she never really got to experience. 

and today, today is such a beautiful day. it's gorgeous outside and i have my time with my handsome little man back. he has given me more lubbins in one day than he has in the last week. after Trish left Mike and i both saw a difference in him and se started to act more like himself and doing his little things that he didn't do during the previous week. he was less whiny and clingy, like he was completely unsure of having her here. Mike was afraid that Ryder would be upset not waking up to his daddy like he has all week but he wasn't at all. nothing changed this week and him and i are back to who we were before leave. having him around keeps me sane, i love him to incredibly much.

this entire week i have come to realize how lucky i am. i have one amazing husband. that isn't as good as he is going to get, but a thousand times better than he use to be. he grew up, became a man, and is exactly who he needs to be. he is happy, and seeing him happy makes the world so much brighter. sometimes i think that maybe he would be happier living his old life, especially when i think about indiana. but i know now that he is exactly where he wants to be. he loves our son more than anything in this entire world and i know he will do the same to our daughter when she is here. he's amazing as a father and i think a good chunk of that reason is because of how his mom raised him and the life he use to live. it's wonderful to see that smile on his face when his son needs him or they're playing. him and i make a really good team, i saw that more this week. wether is be taking turns with diapers, one holding him and the other clothing him, or whatever it may be. i love that i feel like a team instead of the one on one that we had going on a few months ago. we work together instead of pushing and pulling against one another. in between us we have this incredibly smart and adorable little boy that lights up our life. we share something bigger than our pasts together or apart, or any hurt we have ever felt. our days are filled with laughter and giggles and a million i love yous. all because of one tiny little 20 lb baby. and we both know that this beautiful human being is what brought us together in the first place. and we can not wait to share all our love with our beautiful daughter in only a few short months. we honestly have the perfect life, and i know that i will never and can never forget that as long as i am living and breathing every single day. there is no bigger picture in this world than what i have, right now. nothing can compare to the love i have for my little family of four. and i know that as long as we have each other, we will always, always, have everything.

all my life, i have waited for this moment. this moment of completely loving every little part of my life. of not worrying about the future, or regretting parts of the past. i no longer wonder where i should be in life, what career i should have, what path i should follow. i know that i am exactly where i need to be. in this very moment. right here with Michael, Ryder, and Lyvia. i no longer wonder if i am good enough, or pretty enough. i survived such a difficult time in my life, alone, and instead of looking back and complaining, or hating that i had to do it on my own, i fall in love with it over and over again. giving birth and taking care of my son solo while his dad was fighting the worlds war in another country will always be my biggest accomplishment. those six months in itself proved to me that i was something more. it was my biggest battle and i overcame that, completely alone, and i did so beautifully. getting compliments on such a happy, well behaved baby makes me feel better than any other compliment i could receive. people don't see it, but it means more to me than being called pretty, or finishing a college degree, or having an awesome job or a perfect marriage. Ryder is who he is, all because of me. because i did something right for once in my life. it makes not finishing college, or losing one of those jobs, every temper tantrum and bad turn, every hit and bruise, seem like a grain of sand to what i did. it has made me so strong, so tough, i don't think anything or anyone can ever break me. not when i see that little boys smile every morning, hear him say "mama" or "love you" he is the single best thing that i have ever done, the best thing to ever happen to me. and i am so thankful and lucky to have him in my life, to have his love, every single second of every passing day. and i love that i have his wonderful dad by my side to share him with, all the time. <3

-ks

fifty four.

so, my mother in law.
haha, i'm sure people are wondering how the visit is going. i get a lot of messages about it, so, i'll update on that first.
honestly, it isn't nearly as bad as i had thought. she's beyond annoying, i hear the same things over and over and she complains about a lot of things. but being a mom, i learned to tune those things out and ignore them, haha. she's been respectful of my home. she bought her own Keurig cups because she drinks a lot of coffee, she washed the dinner dishes and bottles after i cooked tonight, and when we need an extra set of hands, she does help. it's a lot more relaxed this time because Tiffany isn't here, my husband isn't leaving, and so far, my daughter is still my daughter. i still think 8 days is too long, but it's somewhat nice. i thought it was going to turn out really bad by now. i had told Mike to tell her not to get an air mattress because there was no room and he didn't, so she walked in carrying one and i got extremely mad.  it was so dumb but i cried when she blew it up the second night, i just felt like it was a slap in the face and Mike had ignored what i wanted. but, Monique came to the rescue again and when we were talking about it, she told me that when Steven walked up the first day she got here, he heard Mike telling her we didn't have room for it. she blew it up Saturday night but by the time i woke up she had already deflated it for Ryder's party, and did so again this morning. as much as it bothered me, i got over it quickly when, in the past, i wouldn't have. i did think she was completely inappropriate at parts of Ryder's party because she was talking to Colbert about sex and how her ex husband wasn't good at it. and Colbert and Steven were texting back and forth about it and when Monique and i went for a walk she let me know. i told Mike later and he agreed that she needs to leave his friends alone and he already has to worry about Tiffany, he shouldnt his mom as well. she just doesn't seem to understand that she is Mike's mother, not his friend, and she was trying too hard to fit in. but i guess that's just who she is. other than that it has gone fairly smooth. she seems to know her place more now. like today at the doctors office, she went into the room for Ryders checkup and i didn't mind. she knew i was already upset over the dumb shots, so in the shot room, she just like Mike and i handle it. when we took Ryder swimming for the first time yesterday she let him and i play with Ryder until she took a turn holding him in the water. she bought him a cool dump truck toy and paid for the Aquarium, and takes turns holding him every so often. she hasn't changed him or bathed him at all, but maybe that's just who she is. she's lacking a certain little thing so she just doesn't do it? i guess. haha. it's still awkward, but we're making sure we do our own things and keeping up with our normalties and she's following along.

i can't really tell if she has changed, or if it's just me and my changes. i know i handle things a lot better now. and with her being here, i look at my husband different. other than her first night here, he hasn't acted any different at all. i adore him, so much. seeing him and his mom together makes me realize what a better life Ryder and i have given him. how much better of a life he has now than he use to. i know that she is jealous of what we have, we can both see it. she looks at us with those eyes when we hug or kiss or lay on the couch. and it's kind of a nice feeling. even if she doesn't like me, she seems to respect us as a family now. it's nice to hear her talk to Ryder and call me mommy to him. she's never really acknowledged me as Mike's wife, but she has acknowledged me as Ryder's mommy, and that means a lot. though it sort of feels like it did with Tiffany, how she acts around Mike. she smacked his butt earlier in the kitchen and kind of gave me a funny feeling, but she is his son and i will probably pinch Ryders butt cheeks until he's back in diapers. i don't really think her and i will be closer after this visit but i know that our little family sure will be. it's amazing how one person can invade our home for 8 days, and it isn't even over yet and i see my husband completely different, once again. i see how much he has changed, and i think she does too. everything about him. and she can go back to Indiana and tell everyone what a good man he is, how happy our marriage is, and all about the wonderful little boy we are raising together. she's just trying to find her place in this world with an almost 25 year old, married son with a family of his own, and a 21 year old hell child going nowhere at this point in time. she's empty nested, she's missing the most important thing in her son's life. Monique pointed out that every time i brought out my camera, she grabbed hers as well. or whatever i did to Ryder, she copied. she's just trying to fit in. and she will, as one of his grandmas, but i think she wants to be part of the 4 of us. she still wants more than we're willing to give her. regardless, i have fallen more in love with my little family more this week than i have in a long time. i'm so proud of Mike.

Ryder, loves swimming. we took him to the splash pad on base and open swim at the tank. he had a little life jacket on that made him so chunky, he had so much fun with his dad and by the end was kicking his arms and legs trying to swim. my little water baby, just like Daddy and i thought he would be. today we took him to his 12 month baby checkup. he weighs 19.5 lbs and is 30 inches long. moving up his charts from the last time we saw the doctor. no more weight problems but still a skinny butt. Mommy didn't like the shots, i cried, it was terrible. but i like when Mike is there, i don't have to be brave all the time. it's nice to have a team mate to help with things like that. i held my baby afterwards and he just laid against me. but was perfectly fine when we got home like it never even happened. he's always a little trooper. he clung to Daddy today and played like a big boy and went to bed without a fuss. here i was listening to people and thinking today was going to be horrible and it was just fine.

tonight though, Mike was actually there for me. he really hasn't been when i needed him to be for multiple reasons. every time i get sick he isn't here, or is asleep like when we all had the flu. but tonight was really nice. i walked upstairs and all of a sudden felt really sick, like i was going to vomit. my heart was racing and i just waited for it but nothing happened. i went to get ready for bed and i started shaking uncontrollably. i got the chills, my teeth were chattering, everything. i was trying to breathe and calm down when mike comes upstairs and asks whats wrong. i told him, he saw me shaking and he plopped me in the tub and opened the toilet, just in case. he ran warm water and took my sponge and started spreading the water over my body and breathing with me so i would stay calm. he rubbed my back and my belly and told me i was alright, that this would pass. and, it did. but it was nice him staying in there with me keeping me calm. i was really scared. it happened so suddenly and at random. i laid in bed with him and he entangles his feet with mine so when i got out of bed it would wake him up and he could be there for me. it was really nice. Mike and i rarely have moments like that with each other. other than my mom, no one has ever taken care of me, at all. so it makes me feel better about labor and the recovery. he really is wonderful, and i'm glad he helped me through tonight. i told him if it happened again, we would call labor and delivery. Lyvia is moving around just fine, so i shouldn't worry much. i just need some rest. he thought it was an anxiety attack at first but then we decided it was just something i ate that didn't digest well and couldn't decide what it wanted to do in my stomach. so far, i'm perfectly fine now, i just need some sleep.

so, there you have it. this past week i have learned a lot about my little family and started to appreciate my husband more. i am so lucky to have him as mine. even thought sometimes he messes up, i know he helps out a lot more than most dads. we are lucky enough to give Ryder two happy parents that love him so much, clothes for his body, and toys to play with, a roof over his head and food in his belly. i know not a lot of people have that. especially the being an amazing husband and dad part. and i am glad that i can show his mom how happy he is and what a great man he has become. and show her what a family is, since she never really had one for her children. we have shown her how much we have both changed, and i hope she learns something from this too. and i'm glad it's not nearly as stressful as last time. but we all agree that it was Tiffany that made things tough.

tonight with my little man asleep in the next room, my husband curled up beside me, the love of my own mother, and my daughter in my belly, my life is complete. as it should be, every single day. and it will be next November, when i finally have my mommy back. i see things a lot differently with my mom this week as well, and wish she was here. i can not wait to see her again. :)

off to snuggle with my amazing husband. <3  goodnight.

-ks