seventy one.

tonight, i broke down.
and i told Mike how badly what his mom is, or shall i say is not, doing, really, really hurts me. of course i didn't really get a response but i think my tears showed him how unhappy all of this made me. he said he doesn't understand it either. but the thing i dont get the most is why he doesnt just give up on them. why he doesnt just let go of something he never really even had in the first place. i know my brother and sister don't care about me or my little family and they're dead to me. that's all there is to it, and we use to actually BE a family together. but how can i have someone in my life that doesnt want to get to know my babies? Ryder grows, every single day. he learns at least 5 new words or things a week. he's growing up so fast, and Mikes mom doesnt care to know him. even though my mom and i are extremely close and talk every single day, she still asks about him. she taught him things when she was here. she knows if he's sick, or what crazy new thing he is doing. and she asks questions. Mikes mom hasn't talked to either one of us in almost 3 weeks. she saw Lyvia on Skype, hasn't asked ONE question about her since she was born except "what does she need" you know what Trish? my children need their grandma to want to know them, to get to know them, to call one of us up, or text us once a week to catch up on their lives. not to ask how they're doing and then launch into a completely different irrelevant topic. not for me to consistently try, try, and fucking try, and you to just not give a fuck.
for almost a year i have been trying to make things right. Mike was coming home, we had a new family together, i had no choice but to put the past behind me. i gave up and tried to start over when his mom visited, thinking this was a new start. she had finally met her grandson, things would be different.
but it isn't.
it just makes me so, so, so sad that we can't even be in each others lives because of Mike and I's kids, you know? i don't even care that she will never respect me as Mikes wife, or his childrens mother, i don't care that she doesn't call us and ask how we are doing or know anything about us anymore, or our lives. this isn't about Mike, or I. this is about Ryder and Lyvia. i just don't understand how you can know that you have two little beings, that are so precious, so perfect, even across the world, and not want to know them. how can you meet my vivacious, smart, amazing little boy, and just walk away like you never even met him? it breaks my heart. i promised to protect my children, and here i am, STILL trying. even tonight when we were driving to Walmart, i heard a song that reminded me of his sister and i almost sent her a photo of my daughter. i had to stop myself, change the song, and ignore the pain in my heart. i know there is no point trying to involve them any longer in my kids lives, and it really shouldnt be nearly as hard as it is turning out to be. i just want Mike to look at me and tell me that it doesn't matter, that they're dead to him. and maybe i won't have to feel what i've been feeling and continuing to try to prove myself. as what though? there is nothing else to prove. there is nothing to fix, because i never did anything to deserve this. and especially not my children.
Lyvi and Ry only deserve the best people in their lives, for as long as i can help it. people that love them, even before having met them. people that ask about them, want to get to know them, know what they like, and what they're learning about. people that know their birthdates... Trish, Troy, and Tiffany are missing out on such a special little boy. they will never know the joy it is to have him in their life. if i can help it, he won't even know who they are.
i told Mike, that this plays a really big impact on our marriage right now. that as of now, this is my only really big issue with us. that he keeps these people around because he thinks he is suppose to, rather than looking down the road and seeing how this will affect his kids. and seeing now, how it is hurting his wife. he has told me countless times, mostly when we were dating, that they didn't matter, that only i did, him and me. oh how i need to hear those words again right now. that they don't matter, that only me and the babies do.
but at least he could wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay.
i needed to hear that as well.

i just wish trish cared less about complaining about her job and telling me how she wants the kids to have a "step grandpa", when she cant even be a grandma, and more about my children. and for Tiffany to stop partying less and throwing her life away and more about my kids as well. its just sad. but there isnt anything more i can do about it. i still cant decide to tell them i'm ending it, or just stop all together. it's been almost 3 weeks since we talked to his mom.... guess we will see how long she wants to do this shit.... again!

seventy.

okay. my bad.
i have been so tired lately and life has been so nuts that i never blog anymore. soooo, i shall take a few minutes of my sleep time and type some random nonsense for people to read. if anyone even reads this thing anymore.
anywho.

Miss Lyvi J is almost 4 weeks old, and she is growing way too fast! she has quite the personality already and it's full of sass! but we love her anyway. she loves to be swaddled and makes the cutest faces. and usually only wakes up once or twice in the middle of the night. so far, she doesnt seem to have the reflux that Ryder did, which means she will grow even faster than he did! :(  but she's my little girl, always!

Mister Ryder has absolutely learned so much in the last few weeks.
his word list now;
hi! (always with a wave) bye bye, blankie, sissy, sip, bite, uh oh (which he says a lot) baba (of course) bubba, which is what he calls himself because i always do. "whats dis" (or what sounds like it, here go (when he hands you something) "chee" (whenever i go to grab my camera he says this, his cheese, lol) and i'm sure more, which only we understand. he LOVES puzzles, and tonight he showed me that he knows where they go. he can climb a jungle gym pretty well and he goes down the slide by himself. backwards on his belly of course! even though he steals sissy's bink he gives it back sometimes when she cries, and always acts concerned and runs to her when he hears her start to fuss. he knows so much. if we ask him where blankie is, he finds it. i ask him if he wants to take a nap and he runs to the stairs and waits. if you sing ring around the rosie, he knows when to fall down. Mimi taught him that one! he loves to run. and run, and run, and run, and run. so, Mike decided he should be Flash for Halloween. :) he's such a big boy, and if you ask him how big the big boy is, he will throw his arms in the air! and clap of course. he loves to clap, and claps when he hears people doing it on tv. he will wave at the tv too if someone does. he's always so happy, i absolutely love it. and he's such a good big brother, and gives sissy lots of kisses. when he isnt trying to pull her out of her bouncy seat or swing out of jealousy while mommy naps and he has to share his dad, lmao! but he's still mommys baby too. he has been protesting bed time so i have to bring him to mommy and daddys bed, turn out the light, lay him on my belly, ear to my heart, and rock him until he falls asleep. but i don't mind, i love him so much, i'm so glad that he still needs me!

i finally got to see my mom and dad again and am so happy that they got to visit, even though the entire week was chaotic. i was so exhausted from falling into a new mommy routine, our air had just gone out so we had loud ugly portables, it was super hot all week, Mikes work schedule was all screwed up. and we were trying to cram all last year and all this coming year, into about, 5 days time. i was glad that my mom got to hold my newborn though! and Ryder and my dad seemed to just click, i loved watching them play together. not really something my dad ever did before. i just wish they could have stayed longer, or things went smoother, or we did something more.i hate that i wont see them again for so long. having them hear makes me feel more like myself, more mature and grown up. i just hated clinging to my mom before she walked out the door, both sobbing, while holding my son, her arms wrapped around us telling me how proud she was of me. and then for the next hour, watching my son walk around the house, looking for my moms shoes, and my dads hat that he played with. it killed me, i wish we were more a part of each others lives. :(

having them here, made me realize that i can't hold onto Mike's family anymore. i have been so incredibly hurt by Mike's mother. i didn't want her to visit but finally gave in. ever since she left, after actually meeting my son, she's barely talked to either one of us. i finally told Mike to tell her to get on Skype so she could see Lyvia. but she never asked to see her, or Ryder. she never asks about either one of them. she never talks to Mike, more than maybe once every 3 weeks, and even then it's about dumb stuff. i dont understand how you can come and meet my son, play with him, interact with him, and then leave and its like he never existed to you. how he learns at least three new things a day and you go weeks without knowing any of these things. i can understand that you were disassociated when you didn't even know my son, but you MET him, held him, kissed him goodbye... and then you forgot about him. that hurts, a lot. i gave her the benefit of the doubt. i gave her a second chance. and now i'm just done. i'm tired of the battle within myself to involve them, when they dont seem to want to be. they dont care to ask anything about either one of my children. i have to draw the fucking line somewhere! yesterday morning i sent her, tiffany, patrick, and jon a picture of the kids, saying to have a good day. all cheery and nice. Patrick, who is Trish's ex boyfriend after the divorce, they dated awhile so he was a big part of Mikes life, responded with how cute they were and to have a good day also. Jon texted later and we had a small conversation.
silence from trish and tiffany.
now, i know his mom works so i didnt expect a response right away, and tiffany is a bitch but hey, at least i can say i tried. but really? trish cant even respond back asking how things are going? how the kids are? say she misses my son?! youre suppose to be his grandma and you dont even care! and then tiffany texts mike today saying that we need to visit because she wants to see babies... she doesnt even call them by name. and i am so glad he didnt respond after that. why the fuck would we visit?! when TWO people from our families actually give a damn?! and you would see "babies" more if you werent a slut and a terrible influence and i could actually stand you. or hold a conversation with you. it all just pisses me off!!! i could rant about them all day. but really, i'm done with them. they dont deserve to know my children.
annnnnd, my sister has yet to contact me and say or ask anything about my new daughter. she sent a box of hand me down toys with my mom for the kids, and one new onesie for Lyvi. if my son didn't love his blocks and books so much, i would be even more pissed. but really Kelly... not even a phone call, a three second text message, a card that says it all for you... how very very sad.
but i'm now done with her too.

now, the part y'all have been waiting and wondering about.
my husband and i.
during my parents visit i realized that here, with my husband and our babies, is where i do belong. i love my parents, but moving back isn't what is in the cards for me right now. not to mention how pathetic that my 26 year old brother lives with them so even if we wanted to move back, we wouldnt have anywhere to go.
BUT.
i honestly couldn't see things any other way. ever since Lyvia was born and he was on ptad, he proved a lot to me. he took care of me and the babies, he made sure i ate and got out of the house. he still makes sure we get out of the house at least every other night, we go for walks or take Ryder to the park, or he lets me nap, or take a shower/bath, have some "me" time. i feel so much better about myself now that i have my body back. we laugh more, and stay up on more nights watching tv or a movie and fighting over the popcorn bowl. while my parents were here he took me on a motorcycle ride that rekindled a lot. though i still can't believe how crazy and young we were only 3 short years ago. one night he worked super late, running on only a few hours of sleep. we had a date planned but he got home too late and i was upset, and started crying. so he picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, grabbed my flip flops, told my parents wed be back, and threw me in the truck. he took me to a movie. we got home about midnight and he had to be on post at 345 to watch trucks, as well as go to work that day. he got home that day around 5, and had 24 hour duty the next morning. but he showed me he tried, that he cared about me, more than his sleep. it was wonderful. only one or two days i wanted to stab him in the forehead. (mainly while he slept and i got up with BOTH kids.) but things have been a lot better lately. and i hope things stay this way. he's been trying and i give him a lot of credit for it. even on days when i am absolutely exhausted and a monster, he makes sure to try to turn it all around. it's been a really good month with my husband and i, and i am extremely thankful for that. there really is no other place that i belong.

well, thats about all on my end.
pretty happy with life atm.
and i wish there were more hours in the day to get things done!
i am a full time mommy and wife and i am still juggling college courses. one more class and i am DONE with this.
Michael and/or I might turn into soccer coaches for little kiddos, since in our city there is a shortage and we wouldnt want little ones not being able to play. and since i'm going to be a soccer mom in a few years, its worth looking into!
it takes me forever to read a damn book, and i am ALWAYS sleepy, and i should go get some sleep now!

i am so lucky in love with my three loves of my life. i am so blessed to have such a smart, happy, and healthy little boy that is still the light of my life. i love having a beautiful baby girl, who was worth the wait. i am glad to have a little bit of my marriage back, and we are working on the rest. i love my mom and dad and all they have done for the four of us.and i love all the people that stand beside us and support us. the ones i call my family, when i can no longer call the blood ones, my own. i really do have the greatest life, ups, downs, clouds and ditches... everything here, there, and in between. it's our life. and i am so in love with it!

sixty nine.

okay, okay. i have seriously sat down to write this like, five times in the past week.
so, here goes.

my darling daughter was born on august 2nd, 2012, at 1220PM.
weighing in at 6lbs, 15oz, and 19 inches long.
the morning of my Cesarean section went everything but the way we had it planned in our heads. and i had begun to type it out, but the irritation before the beauty of my daughter means very little to me now. she is here, and absolutely perfect.
all ten tiny fingers, and toes. bright blue eyes and a little nose.
and i know that my life will never be the same.

Michael and i got to hear our daughters first cry together. that beautiful little sound, while holding hands, making a puddle between us with our sweat and nervousness. as much as i thought i didn't need him, i found out, that he was the only thing that i did need in that moment in time. he was my calm before everything. he washed away my fears when i saw him walk into the room in his blue scrubs and face mask. this was it, our brand new beginning.

two hours after Lyvia was born i was finally able to see her. i recovered away from my room, while Mike, Ryder, and Lyvia waited for me. but the moment they wheeled me back into my room and i saw my husband holding our son and comforting our daughter from being poked and proded by the doctor. my entire world fell into place.i may never know what "perfect" feels like but in that moment, i believe i found it.

Michael was, someone else.
that someone else was exactly who i needed him to be.
Ryder was in the hospital with us for over 12 hours the day i gave birth to his sister and only at the end did he start acting up. he was the perfect little boy i knew he would be, all day long. Mike make sure he didn't get into anything. he walked down the hall half a thousand times to get me ice chips or water. when they left to go to bed, he texted me encouraging things when i told him i was up and walking, we texted until one of us fell asleep. he brought Ryder in the morning, armed with juice and snacks, and brought him back before bedtime so i could kiss him goodnight. on the drive home he was extremely careful not to hit a bump too hard because of my incision and Lyvi, and i thought it was adorable.
i came home to a clean house, a happy baby, and some much needed time to relax. i finally got to see him be active with his daughter since he didn't get much chance with chasing Ryder around my hospital room.
the night we came home was absolutely amazing. Ryder loved his sissy, i fell in love with my husband all over again while i watched him hold our newborn daughter. things went perfect. i have never been so lucky.

this past week has been the absolute best time i can ever remember having in my life. i have seen the personality come out in my son so much, he's a whole new person and i love him even more. i have learned to balance time and love between the two of them. my heart has opened even more, loving TWO babies. i even got to take a nap with the both of them the second day i was home. it was the best way to start my recovery. i got to see my husbands face light up as he proudly told everyone about his daughter, sending them pictures and talking about both his kids, that i overlooked the fact of him talking to two people i never really approved of, because i know my husband now, more than ever, and i know he is a much better man than he use to be. we had a lot of down time the first few nights after Ryder went to bed and Lyvia slept, so we got to watch movies together, which has been needed for awhile. i got to take naps with my daughter and sleep in while he took care of Ryder and played with him. i healed quickly because of it, it was wonderful. i got my bond with both my son and daughter, and my husband all over again. he took the reigns when i needed him to, he proved me wrong, like i never thought he would. he stepped up and has been an amazing dad to both of our children, and he has been a better husband to me. i guess when you see someones insides, you realize just exactly who you're married to, and make a decision to make it work, or call it quits. apparently, he just liked my guts enough to be the man i needed him to be. he made me feel like a teenager, with all these damn emotions and feelings. gosh, i hope this never goes away!

just like with having Ryder, giving birth to Lyvia has taught me so much. it opened my eyes once again to my marriage and made me realize that maybe there really is more to it than what i had thought. that there are so many things we need to work on, but everything can be fixed and there really is no other place for me, or our babies, than with the two of us. maybe it was hormones, maybe it was him being a douchebag. but i guess i'm just not willing to give my little family up.

family has become a new thing to be entirely.
it was a few days after my daughter was born that i realized that not even my sister or brother had texted me to congratulate me. Kevin didn't with Ryder so i didn't expect it now. but Kelly? i hate to admit it, but it actually kind of hurt. not even a phone call or a text message to say she was happy for me and my little family. i knew there was no letter or card coming in the mail, so i avoided the mailbox. it was a huge slap in the face and it made me realize, i no longer have her in my life.
i knew that when i moved out of state, that things would be different. people would miss out on mine, my husbands, and my childrens lives, as i would theirs. i couldn't be around them for christmas or birthdays, or go out to lunch with them any day or the week. but i never really expected every single family member to walk out of my life. it never really occurred to me that i stopped existing because i chose to grow up and marry the man i was head over heels in love with. distance did not make their hearts grow fonder, it made them forget. i have deleted all but maybe three family members off my facebook because there isn't a point to them watching our lives in pictures when they don't even bother to talk to us. not that everyone has time to live on facebook, but a card would be nice. it breaks my heart that i have no one to share my kids with but my husband, mom, dad, and i. i'm so tired of this "out of sight, out of mind" thing. i won't deal with it anymore. i refuse to be part of any holiday dinners when we move back. no one was here for me for Deployment, not one single person called to see how i was doing and if i needed anything. i think i got a card or two when Ryder was born but i have received nothing, of any sort, from anyone one of them on my daughter. i'll give my aunt Cathy some credit because she did send Mike a few care packages while he was over there. but other than her, no one even gave a fuck that my husband was fighting at war while his wife was 2,200 miles from home with a brand new baby by herself.
and then to be slapped in the face by my sister?
that's when i put an end to everything. and it really makes me not want to move back. as much as i miss my mom, i'm not sure it's worth the heartbreak. as much as i hated to, i have to give up the twins. hell, i haven't been in their lives for 2 years now, they have grown up and changed, and gotten over their "Bug". my sister can not take the time out to send me a measley text message saying congratulations, on her new niece, i find that so pathetic.
and of course my mom has every excuse in the book for her.
newsflash mom, she just doesn't give a shit anymore. if she ever did in the first place.
not to mention how angry it makes me that Mikes mom came out to meet my son, and has barely spoken to us since then. she doesn't ask for photos, or ask about Ryder, who grows and changes every day. didn't ask how much Lyvi weighed, or know when we even got home, havent talked to her in a week and when Mike did, it was about how "everyone you know is so happy for you"... when no one else bothered to text him but Patrick and Jon. it makes me most angry and sad for us and my son because. how can you fly out here to meet my child, and fly home and not care about him anymore? because that is exactly what has happened. she played us for fools. she said she wanted to skype once a month or so and get to see Ryder and when Lyvi got here, her as well. i had figured her and Mike would talk more often, she would call to "talk" to my son... something.... anything.
and we have gotten nothing, at all.
as much as it hurts me i know that i need to keep my chin up and build a better family for my son and my daughter. i have had people tell me how beautiful my daughter is, how much they love our little family, tell us congratulations, all over the country. i have had people i have never met, up early last Thursday morning awaiting a photo of my daughter on the computer screen. i know that more than one amazing woman lost sleep knowing Lyvia was coming. i had women that i have never met, praying and thinking about my family and i.
and my own sister didn't even care.

but, on to HAPPY stuff, as a closing paragraph. i'm sleepy and my bed is calling my name.
until my daughter wakes up. she sure loves her milkies!

Lyvia Jean has brown hair and blue eyes. and the sweetest little dimples that makes me that much more excited to see her real smile and hear her giggles. she is a swaddle baby! which puts all the swaddles Mimi bought, to good use. she's a sweet little girl but in the last week has learned a bit of sass. she's a bink sucker, when bubba isn't stealing it. she already laughs in her sleep, and sometimes snorts when she cries. she's such a snuggler, but she prefers daddy over mommy, which i don't mind at all, daddy deserves it. she's a tiny little precious thing, and looks adorable in everything! though i have to admit, she doesn't really strike me yet as a cowgirl, but we will just have to wait and see. she's an awesome sleeper, but has been starting to be awake more and more now. yay me for night times, lol.

Ryders personality has started to show more and more this week. he has been a tiny little terror, but shown me his loving side more often. it might also be because he likes pushing buttons with his dad. hes a great big brother. he rubs Lyvias head when shes crying, when she starts up he seems so concerned and goes to see whats wrong. he is mommy's big helper when it comes to diapers. if she is laying in the boppy he will crawl onto the couch and try to snuggle her. even though he's a little rough, he's learning. he steals her binks, but thats okay. he still plays a lot, and ignores her, but sometimes walks up to her and starts babbling a conversation. he seems so big now. not like a baby anymore whatsoever and that hurts me a lot. but i know i need to let him grow up when he wants to. he still loves mommy. :)  he has been talking a lot more and learning new words. today while we were eating he randomly grabbed a napkin and wiped his mouth. it was amazing! he learns so many new things by himself and i am amazed, i have no idea where he gets some of this stuff. and he LOVES to learn, which makes me even more proud.
so far, after getting him his new cd player, no more night time scares and wanting to sleep with mommy. which, of course i miss. he's really into light switches right now. and putting things, into other things. carries around an empty wipe box. i looooooove that he carries around his blankie everywhere, i have thought about keeping it upstairs only, but it's too cute not to have him carry it around. he still has his bink, and drinks out of bottles at night. he eats everything. there is seriously not one thing that kid doesn't like to eat! he's just amazing. there really is nothing more to it. <3

i am just soooooo in love with my doodlebugs!
i am the luckiest woman in the world to have them.
and be able to call them all mine! :D

now, i am considering starting a NEWWWWW blog as the start of my new life, with two babies.
hmmm, definately a good thing to think about.

-ks.

sixty eight.

life just hates me today.
i do want to say first and foremost, that nothing annoys me more than when i havent talked to you in ohhhh, i want to say about a year or so, i deleted you off facebook, you continue to add me, and when i do, you don't talk to me. but when you see a status that isn't the happiest, you tell me to text you, or ask whats wrong. first, i deleted your number over a year ago, because we don't talk. and why the hell would i talk to you about whats going on, when there is now a year of back story? if you aren't my friend and have an idea what i have been going through in the last month or so, there is no reason for me to go to you to "talk".... i want to slap you.

anyway.

three days before my daughter is to be born, i realize that her father, as well as her brothers father, and i, have absolutely nothing left to save. i call my mom every morning and talk to her for a little bit. and while talking about the birth of my daughter, i had to stop. because i realized, i have no reason to stay in this marriage.
this entire month has been crap. i have been dealing with more than i can handle. Mike and i don't talk, at all. and it's taken the last few days to make me see all of this. I had my last OB visit on Friday and Mike was actually able to come. instead of asking questions or talking about my daughter, he was talking bullshit with the man that was to deliver my daughter, about being in the field and yadda yadda. we are in this room, checking on things and discussing the birth of my daughter and all you care to talk about is the field and work? are you freaking kidding me?
but i let it go.
this past weekend was the last one we had as a family of three. and it was hell. something has gotten into my son when his dad is around. this isn't anything new, but it's getting worse. i have been dealing with it for months. he is a complete and total terror on the weekends. he throws hissy fits, he whines, all day long, he doesn't want to take naps, or go to bed. he climbs things he knows he isn't suppose to, he gets into things he shouldn't. he's a complete and total brat, and its ONLY when Mike is around. when it's just him and i he is calm, plays with his toys and doesnt destroy things or get into too much. he listens, he's smart, but when his dad comes home he turns stupid. and honestly, i want nothing to do with my own child on the weekends because of the way he acts. and of course, Mike just sits on the couch doing whatever he is doing telling Ryder no, instead of correcting him.
last night after Ryder finally went to bed i tried talking to him about everything. about why he thinks Ryder acts like that around him, only on weekends. if he feels maybe Mike doesn't want to be home with us, maybe he just feels the need to walk all over Mike because he lets him get away with everything? if he just isn't use to Mike and his routine, because him and i have a set routine almost every single day, and on the weekends, things are different? and all he did was shrug. i have told him more often lately that i will not be able to handle the way he acts with a newborn. that i will be recovering and can't chase him and correct him, that i will be too tired to deal with his whininess for no reason, when he doesn't whine with me, ever, at all. and that we really needed to fix things, and asked him what he suggested that we do. he again, shrugged. here, your wife is sitting trying to resolve an issue that she has, to help her family, and you just can't say anything back?
after that, i wanted to talk about the surgery. we haven't talked anything at all about the procedure, how the hospital stay or the operation or anything is going to go. i had to tell him i wanted t wake up early on Thursday and go in, have everything ready. i asked him if he wanted to be in the room or not, that i could possibly find someone to watch Ryder for a little bit while he's back there with me and he honest to god, could not even give me an answer. he couldn't even tell me, when i had tears in my eyes on how terrified i am, that he wanted to be in that room with me, holding my hand, and telling me that everything was going to be okay. that he wanted to cut her cord, hear her first cry, experience it all with me. he just didn't say anything at all. then i asked him, if something happened to me, like i died on the table, i asked him. if he would cry. stupid right? i shouldnt have to ask this question, it should be a given, but i asked anyway.
and he told me, he didn't know.
how can you not know if you'd cry if your wife died? how can you even say that?!

after that comment and talking with my mom this morning i realized how little we have left. we have our children, but kids isn't a reason to stay. kids, are even more of a reason to walk away. i spent the weekend cleaning my house to bring my daughter, whom i will give birth to in 3 days, home to. i had Ryder climbing on me trying to get my cleaning supplies while Mike sat on his ass watching television. when i asked him to do something i was ignored because he was watching tv. i asked him to move the furniture and he did so, AFTER he went and got himself a haircut, with my savings money because we're broke until tomorrow. i have been asking him for the last month to please touch up my daughters room with paint so i didn't have to stand on a chair. i also asked him to move things around in there so i didn't have to over do myself. same thing with her car seat base, asking him to put it in the truck. even though these things take five minutes, it still can not be done. anything i ask of him, i have to end up being a bitch about it because he can't do it the first time i ask. i have to do it all on my own, every god damn time. shit, i have to sit in the shower and tell myself everyday that it's going to be okay, that i'll get through this, because those words have never left his mouth, ever.

and now knowing i will be wheeled into surgery, holding my own hand, and telling myself these things over and over again, because he is never there for me. because he can't realize that this is the last chance he has, i realize. there really is nothing left to save. i can not remember the last time he called me pretty, or beautiful. or made me feel something inside. he tells me he loves me when he leaves, and sometimes before he falls asleep, but thats it. he has given me absolutely no confidence in this surgery, in being a mom to two babies, that my first born will be taken care of completely this weekend, that he will be there for me. he has shown no excitement to meeting our daughter, i have had to ask him, if he was excited. i have had to ask him if he couldnt wait. the only emotion he has shown is annoyance to not getting enough sleep. typing this, i am crying, at realizing how little he even seems to care that i will be giving birth to his daughter, in just three days. i hurt, all over. and some moments i catch myself wishing i wasn't pregnant at all so i didn't have to go through this. and that isn't a normal thought, it isn't right. but thats the point he has put me at. it breaks my heart that one day when my daughter asks everything about her birthing story and asks if daddy was excited.
i'll have to look her in the eye and tell her.
that i really don't think so.
it's really sad. that he missed my sons birth because he didn't have a choice.
and now he is emotionally and mentally missing my daughters birth, completely by his choice. second changes very rarely happen and this man was handed one, and he's taking it all for granted.
he doesn't realize that he is about to lose everything....

i wish that people that were suppose to care about me, and my children, actually did. like my husband. and his mom. she finally texted me asking about Lyvia, asking how i felt and if i felt ready. and before i could even respond about my daughter, she sends me another text message talking about her slut daughter and her newest fuck buddy and what a nice time they all had in Michigan together, and how helpful he was. i started crying, and called my mom again.
how can someone attempt to ask and care about me and my daughter, and then flip it around to talk about something and someone else? it killed me, she didn't even give me a chance to talk about my daughter, nothing. she didn't ask how Ryder was, what he's been up to, and into, if he has any new teeth or can say any new words yet. she didn't even care. at all. i didn't want her here at all, i didn't want her to meet my son, in any way, shape, or form. but i gave it a chance. i let her come for his first birthday ad she did good with him. i was impressed, the visit went pretty undramatic, i had hope.
she hasn't talked to Mike in a month. she hasn't asked about my son, at all. we skyped on mothers day and that was it. thats all, there isn't any more. she meets my son and walks away like it never happened. i feel so bad for my poor children, and i have to protect them, from all of this.

i know now, what i have to do. i don't know when it will happen, but it will. i can promise you that. i can not live this pathetic nightmare anymore. i am so tired of people feeling sorry for me, telling me it will be okay. i KNOW it will be okay, but i don't have to stay here in this marriage, in this fucked up world, for it to all be okay. seeing the way Ryder acts around his dad has made me think that staying here really isn't best either. because SOMETHING is going on there, i just wish that he could tell me what it was so i could help him. but Mike has created a monster in my perfect, beautiful, precious little son and i can't take it much longer. all my hard work, everything i have been through, is starting to come apart, just break away at the seams. and i am not willing to lose that. not now and not ever. and i don't want that to happen to my daughter. i am fully capable of being a single parent. i know it will be tough and the three of us will struggle. but it's a battle worth living, and a happiness worth finding. i know that i can do everything on my own, but i can not, and will not, do everything on my own while living in a house with someone perfectly capable of helping me out. i want my struggle to be mine and mine alone. and i want my kids to be damn proud of me, and always know i put them first, even with walking away from their father.

i am the mother of almost two beautiful, precious, perfect little beings. i know that i am lucky. and i, too, have gotten a second chance. i now get the chance to raise a daughter, after a son. and i have the chance to walk away, with both of them. they both give me so much hope in life, and so much strength. a strength i never knew that i had until now. and i know with looking into my sons eyes, and soon to be my daughters, that i will always have to make hard choices in mine and their lives, that i might as well start with this one. i can do it, i know i can. i can not ever give up my hope and faith. Mike can take away and ruin my life experiences, he can not be there to lean on, to walk with, to share the struggle with. but there are so many more things he can never take away from me. and those things i hold in my heart as i push through and carry one, and carry my children with. those things are more important to me than this marriage and struggling to make things work out. an empty, cold, sad, pathetic marriage. if we do not have a marriage we can not be a family. my children and i deserve so much more.
and just over that horizon line, is exactly where we need to go.
i have two hips, one for each of my babies to ride on as i walk away.
and i have a back, to carry everything in this life that we will ever need.
i have four tiny precious hands to hold within my strong, tough two.
i have two eyes to see where we are, and where we need to be.
and i have a heart, a heart that will always continue to beat.

this is my battle.
and i will never let it break me.

sixty seven.

it's all going to be okay.
is what my mother keeps telling me. i don't need the reminder. i know it will be okay.
but i don't need to stay here, in this house, with this man, for things to be okay.
the closer and closer the time comes to deliver my daughter makes me realize more and more how happy i want to be, and how little happiness i have stuck here. i try not to post our every battle onto my blog but tonight really took the cake.
i really just want to do this on my own.

for the past few weeks we knew Mike was going to go to the field shortly before the c section date. i have been struggling for weeks to get things done. fold all her clothes, pack hospital bags, get her room finished which, you still have to high step half a dozen things to get to her crib, get things cleaned, including being on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor with bleach. all the while chasing a toddler during the day, losing sleep at night, trying to stay on top of school work and relax. i have told him countless times that i need help. that i need him to take the reins for the next few weeks and help me out, do this or that. telling him i really needed a helping hand because things are rough now. sitting, standing, laying, walking up and down the stairs, bending over to fold laundry, even taking a crap is difficult now. in all reality, i deserve this help after doing it alone last time. you would think he would want to help, stress me out less than i already am. spend extra time the two of us, the three of us, alone with Ryder. anything. but no.

earlier this week we had a huge thunderstorm that knocked the power out at 2am. it wasn't too hot so it didn't bother me much. Ryder and i played all morning with the windows open but after seeing multiple posts on facebook that the power wouldnt be back on until the following morning, i had to do something. it was getting hard to occupy Ryder, he didnt want to nap because he woke up sweating, as did i, there is only so much to do with a toddler indoors. so i decided we should stay in a hotel for the night. i wasn't worried about the money, i was thinking what was best for my son and myself. i have to have the air cranked when i sleep, even thinking about walking up the stairs makes me hot. so i texted Mike and told him that was my plan, that i would pack all our things for a night and he could meet us at the hotel. i waited to see what he would say until i left but he didn't answer. when i walked back to the truck after checking in he told me to just stay at the house and we would discuss it, and that his motorcycle couldn't be driven until he got a certain part to it. so, it needed repair. i told him that we were already at the hotel, that i had his clothes and shower items, to text me when he got there and we would come get him. an hour passed after he told me he was getting out of work in a few. so, i called him and asked him what the game plan was. he said that i should come get him but he already showered. oookay then. i told him to grab all our swim stuff and we could go swimming after he picked something up to eat. when i got home he was putting away Ryders toys. it was hot and muggy outside and i was starting to sweat and told him lets grab some food and go sit in some a/c. he hasn't grabbed our swim stuff so i ran upstairs and grabbed Ryders and mine, not knowing where he put his trunks. we walked to the car and he didn't have them. i asked him if he was going to swim or not and he shrugged and went back in to get them. i told him either subway or burger king sounded good, that i had some snacks at the hotel already. so we went to the drive thru of BK, where he bitched about how expensive it was. when we got back to the room it started pouring out so i sat at the table and Ryder and i ate and watched the rain come down. i commented on how nice this was, being in one room together without a lot of distractions, just watching the rain and eating some fast food. then he told me, we could have done this at home.... then later i checked his phone and instead of letting me know when to get him, or that he was home, he didn't contact me. but told Parsons he was home...
this really bothered me. sure, we could have done this at home but it had already been a stressful few days, couldnt you be happy that your wife and son were happy, not sweating, could have some sort of sound, and she was away from a house that needed to be cleaned? that you can't just enjoy it without complaining that we spent money on a hotel room for one night? when i have been telling you since you got back, 9 months ago, that i really needed a get away, even just from the house and the same walls i stare at everyday? come on! but, i let it go and asked Mike to watch him while i watched part of a show just so i could relax. so he puts Ryder on the really tall bed and of course i can't pay attention to anything but the thought of my child falling off and dying! then i tell him i'm going in to take a quick shower.
when i come out he's on my laptop, Ryder had pooped his diaper, and baby snacks littered the floor. i looked at him, he was ordering his part for his motorcycle. i told him Ryders butt stank and he used is excuse, "i'm giving him a minute to finish"... my child doesnt take 20 minutes to poop. you smell it, change it. if he poops again, change it, again. after a few minutes i told Mike that he needed to stop, and wait until Ryder went to bed to finish. that i came there to relax, that day and the day before had been hectic and i was exhausted, and i needed a break, could he pay attention to his son for a minute? so he huffed, closed my laptop, and changed Ryders diaper. then he tells me he has to go into work in the morning and we have to check out at 7 and that spending this money was a waste, because power had come back on early. we all got notices on our doors from housing saying that it would be off until the next morning. i told him that the only reason why it was wasted was because we had to leave early instead of eating their breakfast and going swimming or something before going home. then he told me there would be no time to eat before he had to get back. i wasn't looking forward to waking my child up, but said whatever. i set my alarm early, got up and repacked everything of ours so we had time to eat before checking out. when we got down there the next morning he just stared at the food and said he didn't want any, so i asked him to feed Ryder while i grabbed a waffle. he gave Ryder a few things of cereal. i just let it go, whatever. and listened to Mike complain about not having a saturday the entire way home. he walked in, changed, and left.
that saturday was pretty good, for the beginning part at least. Ryder and i blew up the air mattress and just lazed around watching cartoons and movies all day. he fell asleep before too long and i did the same. we just played all afternoon, but then my body started to ache. i had a few contractions and got nervous. and then realized. i was stuck. i have no vehicle to get there, and not only that, but i have no car seat for my son. i got nervous and called Mike who said i was probably fine. yet, we got into it. and we ended up going to labor and delivery anyway. while we were there and i was strapped to monitors, of course Ryder wanted to play. so, Mike sat in the chair in the corner telling Ryder no to this and that, not getting up to grab him when he started touching things. sitting in a hospital bed not able to move and grab my child is already killing me and i havent had surgery yet. i had to tell Mike, he's a baby, he isn't going to listen, go get him. but it didn't help at all. i just wanted to leave, and i asked Mike how this was going to work in a few weeks. some sort of confidence boost i got there, NOT!

yesterday i had a doctors appointment that he didn't seem enthused to go to at all. we got jamba juice afterwards and i was starving. so i walked over to the food court. i asked him if he wanted to get something there, elsewhere, or what. because i didn't feel like cooking.
he just looked at me.
that fucking bastard! i am sooo sick of having to twist his god damned arm for any sort of answer. even where do you want to eat!!! i had just asked him in the car if he wanted to buy the kids something small, and ourselves, on my star card. just something little that we want before the new baby comes, since we're tight on money with his car insurance and new plates and this part due. he didn't even answer me. so when he didnt answer about freaking food, i just stormed off towards the car. he caught up with me and asked if i wanted to share some orange chicken. so i said fine. after that he asked what i wanted to put on my star card. i wanted to get Ryder a big boy gift, and thought about getting him the cozy coupe truck but i didnt want to spent THAT much. so i found him a really nice Disney bedtime storybook that i plan to write a little letter in for him and how proud i am of him. i got myself an MP3 player because i'm sick of listening to Mikes rap crap while driving and he screwed up the radio so all the stations are fuzzy. he looked at video games. but decided not to get anything. i told him i wanted to run through the baby section to make sure we didn't need anything else for Lyvia. he said we didn't need anything else. that she has a car seat, clothes, and food and she was fine. lovely, no??

but anyway, tonight.
i texted him earlier today telling him something felt weird. that i felt fuzzy and dizzy and weak. that i picked Ryder up and stumbled into the wall, that i just didn't feel right. he told me he would be here if i needed him and i told him it was okay, i would nap with Ryder and see how i felt after. well, Ry didn't want to nap. and at one point my head was spinning so bad i just had to put him in his room with a sippy and a snack and let him whine so i could take a short nap. i woke up and i felt a little better. so Ryder and i went back to playing.
Mike walked in the door a little later and didn't kiss me like normal. he took his cammies of and immediately went to the fridge for something to eat. i told him we needed to go to the store for food, and if he minded if i get simple easy things to make this week because i wasn't feeling well. he said that was fine, i was on my own, he was going to the field for a week. it really bugged me that he didn't walk in and tell me this right away. but i let him eat and we left for the store.
the entire time driving there, being there, and coming home, he bitched. he whined. he complained.
but not about things he should have been, oh no.
he complained how hot he would be, how little he would be eating, telling me to enjoy the bed because he would be sleeping on the ground. when i put gatorade in the cart he told me to enjoy because he would be drinking warm water all week, complaining that he was in charge of others, talking about guys i don't even know. just, everything under the sun.
instead of walking in the door and telling me he was sorry but he had to go into the field. that if i went into labor things would be okay. complaining that he was missing out on time with his son, his wife, and not being able to wake up and play with his kid on the weekend. he wasn't mad that he hadn't gotten the chance to do the things i asked him to, so they fell on me. oh no, he bitched and moaned about completely irrelevant things. then told me when he got back he was going to look into buying a charger thing for our truck to boost our air conditioner. when it works fine. when your daughter will be here in ONE WEEK AND ONE DAY after you get back. you're worrying about windshield washer fluid and the trucks a/c not being cool enough?! are you freaking kidding me?!
when we got home, Ryder was asleep in the car seat. so i told Mike that he should take the groceries inside really quick and i'd stay with Ryder in the car, give him a few more minutes to sleep. he stared at me, again. and asked why don't i just grab him and take him in the house?
one; my kid wakes up when the car shuts off.
two; i didn't want to stand and hold him while you brought the food in so he wasnt running out the door.
and three; why must you question everything?!?!!? i dont talk to hear myself. i suggest things that are easiest and the smarted, you fucking idiot! so i said whatever, you're starting to reallllly piss me off, and got Ryder out to go play in his room while Mike brought the food in.
and set it on the floor for me to put away.
when we went downstairs he was starting to put together all his shit he needs to the field, while i put the groceries away and Ryder was trying to climb into the fridge. while Ry was running around the kitchen and Mike kept telling him not to, no no, and he wasn't listening like a normal toddler. awesome.
then i told him i had to run upstairs for a second to take a photo for someone for something on bookoo, and Mike came upstairs with Ryder and a bottle. our room is a disaster, it's always the last to get touched after having so much to clean and get done during the day. so my poor kid is tripping over things and getting into things he shouldnt, and knowing Mike was leaving i wanted two second to myself for the week. but he kept putting his shit together. i showed him a train set i liked on bookoo to get my son and he just looked at it and said it looked huge and went back to what he was doing. not "yeah, thatd be cool to get" or "we can't really afford an extra $30 right now babe" just "its huge" and thats it.
eventually, Ryder found a soda can with soda still in it. he's obsessed with cans because of Mike and thinks he can have them because Mike never bothers taking it away from him because he doesnt want to deal with the fit. needless to say, it spilled everywhere. thats when i said enough is enough. i grabbed Ryder and set him in his room, told him he was bad and needed to go to bed, and sat outside his door. we have a baby gate in front of the door so we could see each other. he was crying and throwing a fit and Mike came out, told me that it was just an accident and he was a baby that spilled a soda can. i stared at him. i yelled at him that he had no fucking idea, that he never dealt with anything, he was never home, that i would handle things MY way, i'll be the parent while he was just a fucking guy. so he grabbed Ryder and went downstairs and said i needed to cool down.
i told him no, i needed a divorce.
then i heard to fridge open and close.
i screamed down to him not to give MY child ANOTHER bottle to calm him down like he always does. he doesn't need a fucking bottle shoved in his mouth every time he freaking whines. and Mike does this, every time! sure enough when i went in to get something to drink later, there was half a bottle of milk waiting to be drank by my child.
my child. the fact that he over rode what i chose to do when my child did something i had just told him not to to, and acting like i was beating my son, pisses me off. i choose the discipline! so what if i put my 14 month old in his room and told him he needed to go to bed, after him being a brat all day and me already being exhausted, and him just pick him up. seriously dude? and then just try to hand him a bottle? no.
so i went downstairs and took my son from Mikes arms and took him upstairs to put him to bed. WITHOUT, a bottle. and he did perfectly fine.

we havent spoken sense. i went down to watch dance moms and he finished his shit. when it was over, i went outside and called my mom and when i came in, he was in bed asleep. i dont plan to talk to him tomorrow morning when i go to drop him off either.i'm really sick of this. i am so, so, so happy he will be gone for a week.

i just cant take it anymore. if i was a single parent, life would be easier, happier, and less stressful. i'm sick of living with a debbie downer about everything when i am trying to boost myself and my attitude and not fall back into depression. i want a man that will worry about his wife and child and not bitch and complain about everything under the sun. when clearly, i'm stressed out too! i thought we had kicked the habit when he came back of this bitching about every little thing and ruining every possible situation, but apparently not. but i can't do it, it isn't good for me. while i'm sitting here trying to think positively, look on the bright side, see the silver lining, and convincing myself that it's just as green on this side, and you walk through the door day after day bitching about something. ruining a good mood, a good sunshining day. eventually, that will make me blow my brains out. he can not be happy about anything. i have to tell him to smile because i cant remember when he last did, or fish for compliments, confidence, reassurance. i shouldnt have to! especially now!!!! he's doing this crap all over again, he did it with Ryders pregnancy too. and ive had enough.

it bothers me that he only thinks for himself. that he has never folded or put away any of the kids umpteen million clothes, that he doesn't know his son can only sleep with certain blankies and not the others. that i ask him to help me with something and he either doesnt do it, or waits an hour. he told me he wasn't nervous for his wife to go into major surgery and come out of the hospital with a newborn 24/7. either you're not nervous, and thats fucked up, or you're lying, which isn't helping anyone. when i ask him how he feels about this or that i get a dull answer with no emotion or meaning behind it. it irritates the fuck out of me that EVERY LITTLE GOD DAMN THING, falls on me. he knew he was going to the field and i asked him to do things. like patch up Lyvis room with paint on the spots i missed because i need to stand on a chair. to carry the jumper down to storage for me, wash the dogs because they smell horrible. and now he leaves 2 weeks before my c section and won't be back until a week before, so guess who gets to clean and do everything? me!!!! or i will be bringing my daughter home to a messy house. i just can't do this anymore, i can't.

i hate that i can not seem to lean on my husband. he tells me that i can, but he proves to me that i can't. when i'm in the hospital and you let me son run wild without my being able to do anything. when i try to do simple tasks and my son is all over me, how are you going to help after i have surgery?? if you can't do the smallest of things when i ask you to, to help me out because i shouldnt be painting, standing on a chair, or carrying heavy things down a flight of stairs? you bitch about going to do something for the job that you chose, instead of complaining that you need to be here to help me and lend a hand? you never act like you want to be here....

this just blows my mind. this baby was completely his decision. i told him i didn't want to go through what i did last time. with him being distant and not helping out. he swore he wouldn't. that he was glad he could be there to help and help me recover. than why isn't he now?! all this talk and absolutely no action. i love my mother but she is naive to think that he will step up and help me out a ton during recovery with house work, and both kids.
i laugh. and laugh and laugh and laugh.
nothing will change.
she says that if i come home, i'm going to want to come back. just like last time. i came back early after my papas funeral because something wasnt right. and i come back to find my husband sexting and nude girls all over his phone. i learned then that there is no going back. she says in all honesty i shouldnt have gotten pregnant again, thats its hard to do alone.
but it isn't.
if i was a single parent and came into this situation knowing i was going to be completely on my own. i either wouldnt have gotten pregnant again, or i would have spent the last 9 months creating a plan to raise and support two children alone. but i'm married. i should never have to do anything alone. i expect to be lent a hand, to be reassured and complimented. to be talked to and made laugh by someone other than my son. i don't have that anymore.
she says that if i walk away there is never a chance for my marriage. but there isn't one now. why is it always up to me to fix everything when i do everything that i should be doing?!
when Mike Deployed, i knew i didn't have anyone. i had no problems at all taking care of things and i wasn't stressed about it. i kept my chin up and pushed through it. now, when i should be able to let my guard down for half a second and have someone else help, i still can't. i still do it on my own. it isn't fair. if i wanted to do this on my own, i wouldnt have gotten married at all. but i did, and we decided to have children, so i shouldnt have to go into this alone every single time. how can i want to stay when going home is like staying here. just not 2,000 miles away from my mom and friends, who would help more than he does. i sacrificed, i compromised, and i am living with the decision that i chose. but walking away is always an option to. i refuse to let myself be stuck in any one place or an unhappy situation. but when i'm always unhappy with the person i'm living with and the way he makes me feel, and i am starting to feel nothing towards him because there really is nothing left, somethings gotta give.

everything is going to be okay.
yes ma'am it will be.
but i don't have to stay here, in this house, with no one around me to call a friend, for everything to be okay. i have my children, and something to live for, every single day. but i would have that if i left as well. if i have the same things i have now, in a much happier, positive place, why should i stay? my husband sure can't answer that question. bet he'd just stare at me some more, and then find something to bitch about, like why am i asking the same question over and over, which, instead of giving me an answer, he has actually said!
but i'm not upset, or hurt, i don't cry over this situation, i have no lost anything but pieces of myself. i have gained two beautiful healthy happy babies, and a new appreciation of life. i have learned more of who i am and what i deserve, and i can acknowledge that this isn't it. i still smile and laugh and love life, and i know theres more to life than this. there always, always is.

but, i have to get up in a few hours to take him to work, after waking my child up. like the good wife i am so that he doesnt have to throw a fit trying to fit his shit into someone elses car, which, he did.
and i am going to come home and snuggle with my baby boy while watching cartoons until he falls back to sleep. then i shall stare at the perfection that i created and grew inside of me.
i'm going to spend the week making beautiful memories with my first born, while these are the last few days as just him and i. i am going to let him sleep in my bed, stay up late, and maybe eat a little choclate. i am going to get things ready for my darling daughter to make her arrival, relax while i can.
i might sink to my nose in a bubble bath with a small glass of wine and some Reba. i will stay up too late watching chick flicks and eating Cherry Garcia ice cream in a big baggie t shirt and panties.
and i am going to smile. and love myself, my son and my daughter.
i am going to laugh and cry, and write my feelings out until my hand wants to fall off. and leave memories for their children. of how hard their mommy is trying to do whats best for us three, even if that means walking away.
and i hope one day when they read such things.
that they are proud of me.
<3

-ks.

sixty six.

so many times in my life.
i have said to myself "sometimes, the rest of your life, starts with goodbye."
i said that, the last time i stood on the grass in Indiana of my childhood home clinging to my mama, the car loaded down and my new husband in the front seat.
i never imagined having the tell myself the same thing 2,200 miles away.

however i can say that, sitting here in the house i have tried so hard to make a home, and know to the absolute that i did not fail at my marriage. the hand i was dealt, failed me, my marriage, failed me. but i did not fail it. i was the wife that did everything she possibly could until she could not give anymore. that has tried every possible option before finally needing to pack up and choose a different path. i have given up everything to make this work, put my life, hopes, wants, and dreams, on hold so that i could stay here and try, try, try.
and now it's time to say goodbye.

After staying up and talking to Lindsay and Darien after Mike was passed out drunk on the couch, i decided that i could not be around Mike while he nursed his hangover. as soon as Ryder woke up i got us both dressed and ready as quietly as i could and as i was about to walk out the door, Mike woke up. i just left. i took his cell phone because i felt he didn't need to be texting people about how his bitch wife walked out on him on his 25th birthday, or me waiting for him to text or call to make sure we're okay and where we are, waiting for something that won't come. i drove down to Palm Desert and Ryder and i went book hunting, to lunch, and shopping. going through all of that made me realize how much our marriage is affecting my son. every time we all go to the mall together, Ryder wants to be carried by his dad, he throws fits, he whines and fusses, he screams when you try to put him back in the car seat, he's impatient. but yesterday he was completely calm the entire trip. he sat in his stroller with no fuss, he just played with his shoes that he kept taking off. when i was eating lunch he sat there waiting for me to share. i took him in and out of his car seat and he didn't throw a fit about it. he didn't get impatient while i shopped. it was a calm and unstressful time. we ran out of things to do so we headed home, and got home around 2. i had already decided i was not going to discuss the previous night or this morning with him, that i was too tired to fight for something that was no longer worth it and speak words that never mattered in the first place.
when i walked through the door the entire house smelled like literal shit. after i had been on my hands and knees the previous day bleaching the door. Mike was just sitting on the couch with his laptop. Ryder went to play in his play corner and Mike just sat there. i didn't say anything. neither did he. i told him he needed to take care of that smell, and now, because i wasn't about to try to stomach it, and he did. he told me indy crapped in his cage and it was watery, so it smelled worse. meaning, he left indy in his kennel too long and neglected to give him proper food and water, so he had diarrhea. the whole night went on like this. he cooked us dinner and i said thank you and i left to go talk to Monique about something. when Ryder went to bed he asked if i wanted to shower with him and i told him no. we watched part of the Olympic trials and i said i was going to bed. there was nothing exchanged between us then, no goodnight, no i love you, nothing at all.

i fell asleep fine. i didn't cry or lose sleep over a broken heart. i didnt have bad dreams or wake up with tears stinging my eyes. Mike is on duty today, i knew he was going to be gone for 24 hours and i was looking forward to it. i woke up when i heard his alarm go off downstairs and i waited until he left to see if he would say goodbye or not. he walked upstairs for his shave gel and razor and took it downstairs to get ready. he walked in and out without a word at all. i heard the door click lock. and that's when i knew. there was nothing left to save.

i texted him shortly after that and i told him he didn't say goodbye. he told he did when he grabbed his shave stuff. i told him i was awake and i wasnt stupid, that he was lying. he told me he was still mad about having to sleep on the couch to say it. that was strike one. so we got into it a little and he told me that he would have apologized for drinking too much but i took his phone, left a stupid note, and walked out so he said fuck it.  that was strike two. then a few texts later he asked me what he even did that was so wrong, he drank, did a few chores and went to bed. there you have it ladies and gentleman, strike three.
he is, once again, trying to turn his screw up around on me and make it my fault. put the blame on me. but what it boils down to, like it always does. had he been responsible, thought before he acted and hadnt done said thing, none of this would have happened!!! and thats what i told him, before i told him there was no point in talking, that i was done and moving home and i was just wasting my time. i sat back and was baffled at the fact that he once again screwed up and refused to take responsibility for it, refused to acknowledge his fault, and tried to blame me, of all people, for him not doing this or that. i'm shocked he hasn't blamed me for driving him to drink. :rolls eyes:
i can't believe him. but i have been thinking sooo much about all this and this has been happening since the very beginning. he has always blamed someone else. lets flashback shall we?

when i would complain that we had no alone time together, he said that wasn't his fault, his friends kept coming around, even "after he told them not to" which, was a lie in the first place, he never said anything to them.
when our pictures were ruined before boot camp because he was too busy skating with his friends and the ones we rode with didn't want to leave. yet, i'm sure if he told them we had plans later that would have been fine.
he said he tried to call me during boot camp but the "call didn't go through"
when he came to indiana and broke up with me, yeah that was everyone elses fault. he didn't call me because they got him drunk, someone had his phone, he couldnt see me because they "wouldnt let him" no one would bring him to see me, yet i had a truck.
when we broke up, it was everyone and their mothers fault, not his at all.
before we left to come here he couldnt get things done because so and so and such and such were over, he disrespected me  the night before we left because he asked people to leave and they wouldn't. we almost missed saying goodbye to my mom because he slept in too late due to the drinking the night before because of "everyone else" had my mom not called off work, it would have been a rushed goodbye, and i didnt deserve that.
when he was sexting Sable he was doing it to "protect Chris" and prove she was a slut.
when he wasnt there for me when i was having contractions and found out my son was a boy instead of my daughter, he didn't give me that attention because his family was there.
him looking at porn on his phone was because everyone at the shop was doing it.
them not liking him anymore is also my fault because i "ran my mouth"
now THIS is my fault. very single time he screws up and hurts me and tries to destroy me, it's never his fault at all.
and now, he just texted me blaming me for us having $2 in our bank account, yet he just spent $23 at fucking taco bell because he buys for everyone else, and this isn't the first time.

oh gosh, how i laugh at this sad, sad, sad situation.

i get called a bad wife because i "trash talk" my husband. but if my husband wasn't such a douche 90% of the time i wouldn't have to speak the truth on my blog. and honestly, being called a bad wife after all i have put up with, and dealt with, and how long i have stood by his side as i have, it doesnt bug me. maybe i AM a bad wife because i'm not planning on sticking around to let him hurt me anymore. the way i see it, is since the beginning, i really have tried every option possible. when he has hurt me i use to cry, with no comfort. then i started being a bitch, which made him more mad. then i tried to talk calmly and work it out, with no response from his end. i have tried staying calm, getting worked up, i have walked out with my son and stayed in a hotel, i have locked him out of the house and made him stay elsewhere. and now yesterday i came home and ignored the situation. they all have the same result.
nothing.
i have sat and cried in front of my husband. over a fight we had, telling him how he has hurt me, i have sat on the toilet lid with him in front bawling my eyes out at how homesick i was. i've cried over stupid things, and not once has he ever wiped my tears away. he has comforted me one time, the night of the ball, when i had a terrible breakdown, and i thought it was the start of a good thing, but it never happened again after that. i have talked calmly about a situation, trying to solve things, resolve things, ask him why he did this or that and he just stares at me and doesn't ever talk back. i kick him out to get my space because with him sitting there, not talking, just staring at me, my blood boils and i'll be damned if i ever get back to that "billy place" and lose my temper and hit him like i feel in my bones. i leave for the same reason. those just make him mad. i send him to the couch because i can not stand to sleep next to a man that just hurt me, made me cry, and left me to fix it myself. i give him a chance to say he's sorry, like yesterday. i came home and didn't mention it, but he's pissed about me taking his phone and having to sleep on the couch.

with a newborn that is going to be here in 31 days or less and chasing a toddler, i'm too exhausted to play games like this. i am a parent, but i am not Mikes parent. he has let me down far too much for me to continue to try to fix things, make it work, mend my own broken heart after he steps on it, try to tell myself it will be okay. i don't have to tell myself that anymore, because i KNOW it will be okay. i know i can pack up boxes of the kids and i's things and get into that van and have my father drive away knowing that i have done everything i could. knowing that of course, i am not perfect, but i have given ten thousand times more than my husband has. that i have admitted my flaws and faults and if i mess up, i can openly say that i am sorry. i can take pride in the fact that i gave it one more chance, even if i did so four or five times, instead of the one that he deserved. i can look back and know that, right before moving out here i wasn't sure this would even work, telling myself that something felt wrong and maybe this was a mistake, but i left anyway and gave it my best shot. that i have sat and listened to all his whining, complaining, excuses, and bullshit. that i was a faithful wife throughout our entire relationship and have stood beside him through the toughest of times. i know that there is no one else out there for me but Michael. he will always have my heart. i will always love him and there is no one that can replace him. but, we're not working out. after all we have been through i am just too tired. i have no answers for any of my questions, i am blinded and lonely and it's just, time to go home.

my mom wants me to wait longer, until october or november to come home. give me time to heal, give Mike time with a newborn, give us time to pack our things. and i know she's only saying this so that i will change my mind and stay in my marriage and try harder to keep my marriage together. today, and over the next month or two, i will have the strength to walk away. i am positive, my head is in the right spot, i have thought long and hard about every single possible options and angle and plan and everything. i have not been broken, i am not depressed. i do not want to slip back into my old habits and want to cut. i know that i am doing what is best for both of my children and for myself. i have no regret, i feel no guilt, i do not sit and wonder where i went wrong to deserve this, i know that i haven't done anything to deserve this. i do not look down on myself, i can still function properly instead of lay in bed, knowing i have children to take care of. i don't want to get to that point and i think the longer i wait, the more i will start to slip back into depression and feel these things. that, is the number one most terrible things for the three of us right now. i told my mom, that was fine. if she wasn't going to come get me before then, then one night i'm going to pack what can fit in the back of the Durango, wake my children up, put them in their car seats, and just start driving away. and that isn't the smartest thing to do either. we talked about all things. she, stayed with my dad for her children. she doesn't seem to think that messed us up, but it did me. i don't really know my father. there are no photos together, no memories really. i respect the man yes, but that's about all i have. i know that he and my mom weren't happy. we use to hear them fight all the time, i remember him throwing a box fan at my mom while kelly, kevin, and i sat in the back bedroom listening to every word they said. i know he let her down a lot, he walked out on her a lot, and he wasn't around for any of us. her choice was to stay and she's pushing that choice onto me. i know where she is coming from, but i know i have to make my own choice. if we still lived in Indiana, things would be different. and i know that i would end up staying to keep my family together. but being out here with nothing and no one, i have to make a different choice right now.

i asked Michael what choice he was giving me other than to leave this marriage. two hours passed with no response to that text. i asked him, if he had an answer to me. and he responded talking about our bank account. then finally said "no, i dont have an answer to your tape recorded question" and as Aleda said, it just sounds like he wants this to be over, for me to walk away. if he can't even give me one reason at all to stay.

when i first started thinking about moving home, it was only going to be temporary. a three month visit where Mike would come get us and bring us back. just a small break from this lifestyle, the stress and struggles, this desert, and spending time with my mom and sharing memories and my kids with her. after talking to Mike about it all, and him once again just staring at me, and him just saying that i'm going to do what i'm going to do, i decided it needs to be more. and now, i am looking into divorce. i didn't want to come to that. i don't want to be 23 with two kids and divorced. i don't want to be that dumb woman that divorces a man and falls back in love with him. but i know that if i move home i will still be hurt if i am his wife. my mind will play games with me, i won't know what he's doing back out here, i would get hurt over things he did and i didn't like. and that isn't really what i want either. i still have decided but, that's what it's looking like for me...

life is hard. marriage is by far the hardest thing i have ever been through, and i use to fight for my life on the daily. everyone keeps telling me that theyre sorry this is happening and i'm going through this, how hard it must be, to be pregnant and have a toddler and have to think about divorce and moving home to do it alone. and i want anyone reading this to never, ever, ever feel sorry for me. all of this hurts, it hurts like hell.i can't imagine my life without my husband but it seems i don't have much choice. but i know that there are bigger things in this world that could destroy me than a broken marriage. every morning i still wake up with a smile on my face, i have laughter during the day. i have my little boy and little girl to think of. the world is not ending, just a chapter of the book that is my life. i have so much happiness surrounding me, i have a lot of support and it means the world to me. and i know, that i am not alone. i may not know if i am doing the right thing. i don't know that i won't look back in 3 years and regret it. maybe Mike will eventually move on and remarry, maybe have more kids of his own. thinking about that brings the bile from my gut into my throat, but those are things i think about. maybe he will be the man that got away. my right now, my tears say otherwise. my kids deserve a happy mom, a mom that stood up for herself. Lyvia deserves to see that a man treating her this way is not right.i know my life isn't over, i love life. i am so happy to be able to BREATHE to get through this situation. that i have so much to smile about, especially with this goofy little boy, and the excitement of Lyvi about to be here. the pride i have in myself for all that i have done in life, and still be able to live with my head held high and keep my faith in myself, and life itself.
life isn't ending, it's just beginning. <3

-ks.

sixty five.

i shouldn't.

have to constantly go through things like this. i shouldn't cry myself to sleep over someone else, or be in such a mood that i can not take care of my child properly. i have been through so much in my life, gone through many, many, many boughts of depression, fought my own battles and won, every single time. to constantly keep living through it. i have to do what's best for my son and daughter. and it's about time i walk away.

most people that read my blogs have been reading for years. and know that i have been battling to stay in my marriage since, well. it began. i think in the beginning i just had blinders on and overlooked a lot that i shouldn't have. and it has landed me in this spot i am sitting in right now. sometimes i look at the current sad, pathetic situation and tell myself i am completely over reacting. i'm sure a lot of you think i'm bipolar. one day i hate my life, my husband, and want a divorce. the next he's the greatest man to live. and maybe, in part, a lot of me is torn between the two. but the bad outweighs the good, every time. the "good days" i just try to overlook what he did in the past, or recently, that hurt me. and i try to move past it. until something else bad happens and i am forced to be sucked back into what all he has done to me, and it's really hard to let go. lately, he has been slacking in every single way possible. especially with my son. if he was a good, helpful, responsible dad 90% of the time i think i could overlook a lot more. him being a dad to our children is so much more important to me than him being a good, loving, affectionate husband to me. but when you fail constantly at the one thing that really is important, i have to sit here and rethink everything and wonder what i need to do next.

earlier this week i took a nap and helped a friend with a car situation to come home to my son with a completely full diaper. so full that he peed all over me because there was no room for the pee to go. i left him in his fathers care for a few hours and that was the outcome. today, i had to ask him to change his son multiple times before he would do it, resulting in a diaper rash, in which i heard my child screaming upstairs before his bath from being wiped. now, i am fully capable of taking care of my child alone, changing diapers when my husband is home. though i do need to relax also. but i should not have to always take responsibility in doing so. we are a family and suppose to be a team, it goes both ways. it really makes me angry the way he has been handling things, i have constantly asked him if there is something he is mentally going through that is bothering him and causing him to act this way and he says no. so, i am at a complete loss. Ryder and Lyvia were both planned babies. Lyvi was even more so, it was completely HIS decision. i was on birth control until he thought really really hard about the situation and what he wanted. and even before i stopped my birth control, i gave him a few extra days to change his mind, just to make sure, so we didn't have a difficult struggle like we did when i was pregnant with Ryder. when he didn't seem to want to be involved, he was completely disassociated with the pregnancy and preparing for baby. then, i understood. he was leaving. it was hard to handle for him, to get excited for a baby he wouldn't even know until he was six months old. he had reason then, but now. now he is the exact same for no reason at all. so i look back and take last time, as an excuse. and it hurts me, a lot. lately, he has been a play mate to my child, not a dad. forgetting to feed him anything but snacks, failing to change his diaper when he needs it, having to be told things multiple times before it clicks. instead of thinking what the kids need, he talks about motorcycles and pocket knives. he is being completely irresponsible with everything and i can not take it anymore.

tonight, was it.

i was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor with bleach this morning, after waking up at 6 o clock. i usually sleep in on weekends but sleep rarely comes these days. we were working on sorting through things, organizing, cleaning up, while Ryder took a nap. as soon as Ry woke up we needed to go grocery shopping. while Mike pushed one cart, and i the other, i loaded the carts, emptied them onto the belt, loaded them into the car, and when we got home, put them all away with a toddler getting into everything. everyday normal life, but at 34 weeks pregnant, it gets exhausting. i really needed a bath and a nap and asked Mike if he was going to be okay handling Ryder for a little while. he said i was fine. i took a nice long hot bath and went downstairs and Ryder had not been fed his dinner yet. i fed him and we played for a little bit. at 8 o clock my eyes were drooping. i told Mike i was going to take a 45 minute nap and to wake me up to say goodnight to my baby and i would wake up and we would finish downstairs since it's difficult with Ryder running around. i don't know why i didn't set an alarm, it seems like every time i ask Mike to wake me up, he never does and it bugs the crap out of me. 

i hear Mike come up the stairs and start to get into bed and look at my phone. it's 11 o clock. i asked him why he didn't wake me up, that i would have helped him clean. and he said he just wanted to let me sleep. he crawled into bed wearing his shirt and briefs, he never wears a shirt to bed. so i poked fun at him and he took it off. he laid down next to me and snuggled up and put his fingers through my hair. his nose sounded a little stuffed up, so i asked him if he felt alright. he looked at me, and then i smelled it. he told me he think he had drank too much. i look down at him and i tell him no, no he wasn't that irresponsible and dumb, he wouldn't do that. then he told me that my raspberry vodka that has been sitting in the freezer for 9 months, after me drinking a little bit of it right after Mike got home, was disgusting, but he drank it anyway.

now, i hate alcohol. Mikes dad was an alcoholic and i have heard stories of a six year old Mike pouring liquor down the drain. i was not raised around alcohol, my mom and dad drink fuzzy navals maybe once a year, if that. i made it a rule in my house after my son was born that there was to be nothing harder than beer in my house, ever. from here until the day each and every one of them moved out. i dealt with alcohol with Billy. it just isn't something i condone. i don't believe in drinking, at all. what does it do? it makes you fuzzy, maybe calms you down and makes you forget. but in the morning, the problems are always there and you feel like crap. Mike had some Jack in the freezer from a year ago that i let him finish when his mom was here. i didn't even stop to think about my bottle of vodka that would take me 2 or more years to finish. i don't agree with getting drunk whatsoever when you have a child in the house. anything is likely to happen and you need to be responsible enough to handle the situation. your child comes first, always. and what happens when you are in no shape to handle a situation?? i don't care who does and doesn't agree, i don't care if Mike understands or not but i know my decision is my own and it needs to be followed.

i tried calling my mom right there to calm me down but she was already asleep. i went downstairs, thinking this was a joke. as i walked down the stairs i noticed that he had done nothing to the house in the 2 hours before Ryders bedtime and the time he came up to bed like we had planned. i guess i could understand if he drank while cleaning and let me sleep to have a break but that wasn't the case. i opened the freezer and sure enough, there was a good amount of vodka out of the bottle, and his beers that i bought him for his birthday weekend were gone. immediately, i broke down. i slid to the floor with the bottle as tears streamed down my face before i pulled myself up and dumped it down the drain. the same drink, the same kind of drain, that i did with Billy in July 2009, the night he choked me, threw me out of my apartment in tattered clothes, bruises, before i sent him to jail. as i watched the clear liquid swirl down the drain, i got a little bit stronger.

i made him get out of my bed and sleep on the couch.

and that's when i decided that i have finally had enough. it wasn't just the getting drunk. it was also the fact that, i could possibly go into labor at any time, he would not be able to be there for me. if something had happened to Ryder and i had to take him to the emergency room, Mike still passed out on the couch, and handle it on my own. that no matter what could have possibly happened, even though nothing did, that Mike would not be present for any of it. i heard him stumbling down the stairs when i told him to get out of my bed, i heard how hard he was sleeping when i walked downstairs for a glass of water, how out of it he was. i knew the 2 hour gap of unaccounted for time while he was drunk and not doing what needed to be done. i saw the call he made while his wife slept, to another woman, no matter how short the conversation lasted. i knew that he had chosen to get drunk along rather than wake his wife up to watch a movie, or do anything else. and i felt the beats of my heart race, then slow, as i realized the things i already know.

that there is nothing left.

i am done with things falling apart. my entire life, almost nothing has gone right. not one man has ever treated me as i deserve to be treated. it seems like i deal with the same issues over and over again, the same battles, the same lies and hurt, all the time with my husband. moving out here away from my mom, my job, my life, should be more than enough for him to learn to respect me. let alone carrying two of his children and supporting him and being by his side during a Deployment, sticking around when i wanted nothing more than to walk away. i have dealt with "other women" and porn now, twice. once when we moved out here and another a few months ago. i have dealt with him walking all over me, as well as others walking all over me. when he got home from afghanistan he had stopped talking to his friends because i kept bringing up how badly they treat me and how inappropriate they are. but he always makes me feel guilty about it and him not having any friends is entirely my fault. he has never really been there for me to lean on. not while i was having contractions with Ryder when his "family" was here, not when i have ever been sick, not when i have a bad day, nothing. when i am always here for him. i am just thankful that my mom is only a phone call away. and now, i have to harp on him to take care of his child. i don't get a helping hand in anything, we don't really talk at all when he comes home, we don't watch movies together, we're like. two people living in the same house taking care of one baby. and lately i can't look at him the same. now is not the time for this, at all. and now tonight with the alcohol. his birthday is tomorrow, well, really today, and he is turning 25. i didn't mind the six pack but getting drunk, alone, is a little much. you're an adult, not turning 21, or even 22. it's just, terrible. i keep telling myself it will get better, but it won't. i know it won't, it hasn't in 3 years.

i don't understand. and i think that's the worst part because i try to. we're not teenagers, he lived a nice childish irresponsible life before settling down. he was ready to settle down he told me. he wanted that marriage and family. our children were planned, we werent young and dumb and i got knocked up and we were forced to try to make it work like his parents. everything was a choice, by the both of us. yes i wanted a husband and yes i wanted my babies, but i would be completely dumb had i done this without making sure he was 100% sure about it. never did i really imagine him changing his mind down the road. 

when he returned from Deployment, something in me fell apart and i wanted to go home. i wanted a divorce, i didn't want a "family", just my son. i didn't want to give Mike the chance to change or start over like we had talked about. he had been so good during Deployment that i thought it was too good to be true. he assured me everything would work out. while we were trying for Lyvia, i still told him, i didn't want him, i wanted a divorce, to leave. me telling him this, he told me he didn't care, divorce or not, he wanted this baby. at that moment in time, i wanted another child. i knew i didn't want Mike but i didn't want anyone else. i was fully prepared to divorce him, pregnant or not, and be a single mother to one, or two children. i didn't get pregnant thinking it would fix everything, i didn't live in some disillusioned world.i knew what i wanted, and the only thing that was, was a daughter, or another son. i didn't want to focus on the marriage that had nearly fell apart when he left 7 months prior, and a marriage i had been working and striving for until he left. when Ryder was born i stopped wanting to be a wife, and just wanted to focus on being a mother to my son. having everything work out between Mike and i was so far down on the list. i got pregnant and he seemed so excited. honestly, after i saw the two pink lines, i stood in the shower and cried. i was overjoyed that i would now be a mother to two beautiful babies, but i didn't know what that meant for Mike and i. but after that, i saw him starting to step up a little more. especially with being a dad. and i was happy with that. since being a wife wasn't at the top of my list like being a mom was, i was fine with him doing the same. i was really impressed with his love and affection to our son, i loved watching them together, seeing Ryders face light up made all the hurt worth it.

but then he seemed to get bored with being a dad. he stopped waking up in the middle of the night with Ryder, he wouldn't change him without being asked. he would seem distracted when he was playing with him, always have his phone out, not discipline him like he should have. he stopped talking about the future with his wife and kids, and started talking more about people at work, his motorcycle, and things he wanted to do/get for himself. himself... that was what he started thinking about more. i think that's when i realized we werent going to make it work. we want two different things. i only think about my children, and he thinks about himself.

i am fully capable of handling life on my own, taking care of my children and myself. i can take the exhaustion, the hubbubb'd lifestyle, chasing little ones around, even if that mean no "mommy time" and more stress. stress and struggle with my children is absolutely worth it. what i am dealing with, with my husband, isn't so much. if i move back to indiana, i know it will be hard. i wont have much more help, my mom works and i could never ask her to be the "father" to my children and share the workload. these are MY children, mine and mine alone and they are my full responsibility. my mom keeps telling me i should have waited for my daughter but i don't see why. i was in the right mindset from the beginning that if things didn't progress with Mike that i would once again be solo. that there was a chance of my struggling to do it alone, i had no problem with it. easy is a word i will never know, and i have come a very far way in life. i know i can do anything. but apparently, i can't make this marriage work. but i know i have done everything in my power possible to make it all work. i have talked to Mike multiple times that i am unhappy. that i would like to go home for a little while, need a break. how it hurts me that i ONLY have him out here and he can't always be here for me like i need him to be. i have told him that it upsets me that it feels like he doesn't want to spend time with me, than when he does, we usually just have sex, and i have told him. that it makes me feel used. i have expressed my unhappiness out here many, many, many times. told him how stressed and defeated i feel. how nervous i am for my c section, the recovery, everything. i share with him every little thing that i feel. 

and still not one thing changes. 

how can you make yourself go through something like that time, and time, and time again?

i love being a mom. i love going to sleep, no matter how late, knowing i have to get up early, to someone wanting and needing me. i love waking up to hearing Ryder playing in his room or standing at his gate in his doorway babbling, reaching his arms out to me and smiling when he sees me. i love revolving my life around him. i think about who he will be in the future, schools, going to soccer games and chaperoning on field trips. i like the struggle of trying to juggle everything. soon to be three lives. it gives me something to live for and i wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. i will always love Mike. i still think he's my one and only but you can only try for so long to make something work, that is completely one sided. you can only fight each battle for so long until you pack up and walk away and look back and analyze it all, and wonder if it was all worth it. i plan to take the kids and i back to Indiana when my parents visit in the next few months. my mom asked me to really, really think if it's going to be a visit, or if i'm going to move. so that we can rent a uhaul and get the house ready for us. she asked if i was going to file for divorce and honestly, no. i'm not to that point right now. i'm done, but i don't want to be that divorcee remarrying her ex. i have no doubt that with the move, getting out of the marine corps, and starting a new life and chapter, Mike will once again change.  i couldn't tell you if it's for the better or not, but there will be change. but i know i can't sit around California like i have been, waiting to find out. so for right now, it's only temporary. but i think it's finally time i took a new direction, a different path, and see where that leads me.

hand in hand with my two amazing, beautiful, happy children. 

they're worth it, and the three of us deserve it. <3

-ks.