thirty two.

as much as i hate fighting with that buttface.
letting it all out at once, or even in a week. does us a world of good.
this morning was like nothing happened. he made me bacon in bed and we took a shower. he told me he would take me back to Michaels and anywhere else i had wanted to go yesterday. we got crafty things to make Lyvi's bow holder and got Chipotle for lunch. then i told him i wanted to take Ryder to a park so he can play. we went to this beautiful one by the mall. there was grass EVERYWHERE! so we just let Ryder crawl around and giggle, and wonder what the heck it was that he was crawling on.
i, being the gymnast that i am, had to try to do a roundoff back handspring just to see if i could. at 18 weeks pregnant, that answer is yes. we just walked around, talking. Ryder sitting on his dad's shoulders. and decided that when my camera comes in, we will come back and have a picnic and spend the day there. i have a ton of photo ideas, so, i'm pretty excited. as much as i can't stand Mike and he upsets me with parenting, seeing them together and how happy he makes my little boy, just kind of blows things out of the water. we even talked about his mom coming to visit. she will be here on April 18th and staying until the 23rd. no Tiffany, and i think it will be alright this time.
he even stopped at a thrift store after the park knowing i would want to look for books. it isn't a good day outside of twentynine unless i find some good books. and boy did i! they had a sale going on and there were books for .$50! i ended up with 19 books for less than $13. i was like a little kid in a candy store. and i still love that Mike keeps Ryder occupied while mommy hunts. it's just such a nice little thing i get to do for myself once in awhile.
on the drive home, we actually talked. we talked about what's going to happen when we get out of the marine corps and where he wants to work, and where i want to work. just, hoping to get everything sorted out before we actually leave here. we talked about my old job and how he use to visit me. he would see me in MY uniform, and he didn't have a job. then he decided to play Marine and i quit my job, to visit HIM in uniform. it was kind of a cute concept that he himself brought up. we sang Rascal Flatts, and anyone that knew my husband before knows that's a big thing. and when he got home he started putting the bookshelf we bought over a month ago together for me, and when that was finished he told me to fill it up and he went downstairs and cleaned. and he actually laid in Ryder's crib comforting and snuggling him to sleep, even if it was a new nights too late.
and i have to say that i am proud of my bookshelf. it's a tall six footer with five shelves and it is absolutely filled with books. i have a smaller bookshelf half the size, filled with hardcovers. and it leaves me with an empty small bookshelf! which makes me happy because we all know what that means, MORE BOOKS!  though i have a lot of catching up to do, i have about 200 unread books waiting for me. :)
things aren't all okay, seeing as what a rough week he had, but things seem to be better. or maybe i was just too exhausted to fight anymore.

but this weekend now is just all about relaxing. i know i will get to sleep in tomorrow and all my school work is finished for the week. i get to lounge around with my husband and son, and read more into my current book! i'm glad he treated me out to a good day and was who i needed him to be, even though i haven't been the nicest person in the last week.

it seems like when we have the biggest blow outs, it helps us the most. the weeks i just want to give up, he starts to change. and it isn't like he's just changing to make me happy. he listens for once, and picks things up, little hints. and its a good few weeks before he slips up again, right when i'm finally over the last fight and "big things" it starts all over again. but today we were able to laugh and enjoy the day with our prefect little baby boy. and for that simple fact, of the smile on Ryder's face because of both Mommy and Daddy, everything was worth it.

thirty one.

why is it that my bitchiest post always get the most views? lol.
today, was decent, until tonight.
i honestly don't think i have ever cried that hard, ever.
Michael got drunk last night.
this morning i decided to finish packing up Ryder and i's things and head out, even for the day and stay in a hotel. just to Palm Springs since i knew where  was going. just, driving, jamming to music and singing helped more than i thought it could.
i decided to do a little shopping. i bought Ry new shoes and Lyvi her first ballet shoes that she won't be able to wear for like, ever. haha. i finally got sunglasses, and in the middle of shopping for on outfit for myself, i had the bright idea to give this all another shot. i decided that i would get a nice outfit for the baby and me, rush to the hotel and get ready, and have him meet us out there for dinner and mini golfing.
i got to the last store, and my debit card was declined...
now, we have more than enough money in our account. i charged it as credit and thought maybe this was a mistake.
i went to Target to get small shampoos and Ryder diapers, and it did it again. i was shaking, literally. i charged it and walked to my truck clutching my stomach, i felt like i was going to throw up.
Mike froze my debit account. that's all that i could possibly think.
i called Monique, crying. i hadn't checked into a hotel yet and though i'm sure i could have ran it as credit, i was terrified. i didn't even think to call the number on my card, i was too upset. my heart was pounding. was Mike really doing this to me?
we talked it over and i had done nothing wrong. i hadn't threatened to go to Indiana, i just needed a weekend away. i had called him while in Target and invited him out for the evening, and now this? what was i suppose to do? nauseous,  i had no choice but to drive back to twentynine palms, and couldn't be more thankful that i was smart enough to fill up before driving out there.
the entire way back i couldn't breathe. it was so hard not to pull over and throw up on the side of the road. my vision was blurred and my heart was racing. i tried to calm myself down. i talked to myself the entire way back. telling myself that i would be calm, i wouldn't accuse him, i would just ask. i was in no spot to be losing my temper. i almost didn't make it driving back, from shaking so bad. i had to calm myself down. but i rounded the corner to our house and his bike wasn't there. i had been calling him for hours since i was declined and no answer. i was on the phone with my mom outside, when i heard his bike close. i ran inside and locked the door. he walked in and was shocked to see me.
i asked him if he froze my account.
he told me no, why would he?
i know when my husband is lying and he didn't seem to be, but still, why was my debit not working? he thinks maybe because i just ordered a lot of stuff with my card online, and swiped it quite a few times today, but still. the one weekend i plan a get away for my son and myself, doesn't that seem too ironic?
regardless, i lost it right then. i started crying, telling him i couldn't live like this anymore. that i was constantly hurt and he wasn't there for me, ever. that he was irresponsible and it wasn't fair to his kids, that i was pissed at him for getting drunk last night and shutting his phone off. and how i felt like he doesnt even care about me, how he is destroying me.
and for once, he put his arm around me.
i just sat there bawling repeating over and over and over that he was all i had here.
which, clearly, i have my children as well, i know that.
and then i calmed down, and he played with Ryder.

but when i put my son to bed i wanted to talk more and once again, he refused to talk to me. i don't know about all of you, but i HATE fucking silence when i want to talk. i hate no words, when i am trying to have a conversation. i ran downstairs when he wouldn't talk, and curled into a ball and once again, bawled my eyes out, like i can never remember doing before. was i not worth even a conversation? it was 930 on a friday night and he just wanted to sleep. i called my mom, who could barely understand me through the hiccuping sobs. she calmed me down and i marched upstairs. i shook him awake and told him that him not talking to me anymore, wasn't happening. yet still, nothing.

that's when i completely lost it.
i started screaming, i started shaking and crying, i swung my arm across our dresser and knocked everything off, i threw my phone against one wall, and punched the other three times. i went downstairs and destroyed some more before i became exhausted and livid and terrified. i went upstairs to get dressed, and to grab my son and leave. i had no money and nowhere to go but i didn't give a shit. the silence was driving my bonkers, i wanted to pull my hair out. it wasn't worth it, i know. but he stopped me from taking my son. i turned on my smartass tone that i always use when i'm really, really fucking pissed off. he told me not to leave, that it could work out, yadda yadda yadda.
really Mike, how many times have we had this conversation in the last few months, alone?! not one things has changed.
i told him that it wasn't fair that he seemed to want to spend more time with Parsons, that we never do anything fun, that i'm stuck, in this house, all the time and he doesn't care. that he complains about how tired he is when he has nothing compared to what i do during the day. that i need a freaking break from this place and he knows this, my mom and i have both told him this, and he hasn't done anything about it. that i didn't feel cared about and loved, and he never shows me affection other than having sex with me. it was all such a bunch of word vomit.
and then, i had to ask. if my husband was gay.
that's what pissed him off and he called me fucking dumb and left the room.
but doesn't that sound like a valid question at this point?

he was playing with Ryder on the bed when i was still talking and still not getting many answers. i was just so, so tired. i have been doing this for three freakin years! i laid my son back down and just slumped on the bed, he's fast asleep and i, once again, don't know where to go from here. leaving doesn't seem a good option, yet neither does staying. this isn't just a bunch of random pregnancy emotions, this is years and years and years of build up from everyone that has ever hurt me. that i STILL don't feel good enough as a woman to be treated right. this just sucks, i'm in such a slump. but this too, shall pass.

oh a good note, i turned his phone on silent and hid it in Ryder's sock drawer so that he can't be texting his boyfriend all weekend, which, he was out riding with before i got back. and i might make him take me shopping, where i just was, so that i can finish getting the things i went down there for, and get my debit card straightened out and see what the issue was. sadly, as much as i hate this fuck face right now, something tells me it was just a dumb mistake.

it's just so sad to see him want to make this work, he has never ever once, no matter what i've done to him, told me he wanted this to end. he's never taken off his ring like i have. never once brought up seperation of divorce. every time i tell him maybe we need to discuss it, he just gets a horrified look on his face. he's always so quick to tell me that "it will work" but yet doesnt change in the areas that i need him to. i told him i want more affection and he currently has his hand on my lower back and fell asleep rubbing it, he kissed me like he meant it before he fell asleep. but how long will it last this time? it just hurts. because he's normally such a good father and he does provide for us. why can't i get over the little things, or at least not make such a big deal out of some things, and try to keep the peace? all this just sucks.

it all goes back to how little we still know each other. at least him knowing me. i told him tonight that i want him to wake me up one morning and tell me to shower and do my hair and wear this, or that, and just not tell me where we're going. he told me he has thought about it but knew i'd hate it. but he doesn't understand that it's exactly what i want. he always mentions doing this or doing that and i'm perfectly okay with it and then, it never happens. i don't get it, at all. and i just wonder where to go from here.

tonight i'm just going to be invisible, the rest of the weekend pretend like i don't exist.
and Monday, figure out a plan.
i just want things to get better and stay better. things were okay for about a month. this, this i hope that i can get past so we can have another okay month. but i have to be done trying.
it all lies in my husbands hands now.

-ks.

thirty.

i should have known.

every time i post something awesome about my husband and think things are going okay, i get slapped in the face, again. i hate posting this crap because i know people read it and a lot of the time think, "okay, why is she freaking out, no big deal." but it IS a big deal. and had you been living my life the last three years, you would understand a lot better. not to mention every little thing is built up constantly, and never fixed or made better.

tuesday;

Monique, Ryder and i went to see the Silent Drill Team on base. which, i have to admit i was extremely disappointed with their preformance. i myself could have done better, just from taking jrotc drill. (minus the bayonet of course, i don't trust myself with sharp objects.) anyway, afterwards, the guys got off for lunch. Monique asked me to drop her off at Dominos so she could see Steven, and Mike told me to meet him at Carls. cute little lunch date right? WRONG! i was perfectly fine after battling traffic, until i was walking up to the doors and saw Parsons motorcycle parked next to Mikes. now, that was my mistake. i know i should have turned around and drove home, right then and there. i still have no idea why i didn't. but i went in and sat there, playing with my son while they ate and talked to one another. Ryder and i were basically ignored and my anger roared. even though they had an hour left to go back to the shop, i told Mike we were leaving, that i needed to change Ry's diaper. we walked out to the truck and he watched me change his child, not saying a word. he put him in the car seat, and while he did so, i couldn't help but glance back and see Parsons still sitting there. i was livid, literally. Mike came in to kiss me and i didn't kiss him back. he told me he loved me and i said whatever. i pushed his hand away and slammed the car door and told him to stay away from me. he walked away and when i saw him and Parsons riding off together, i burst into tears. i sat in Carls jr parking lot, bawling my fucking eyes out. 

now, why, you ask, would something like that bother me?

ever since we first started dating, Mike and i were never alone. there was never an "us" there was always an "us" and JonRyanBuddySteveTiffanyStephanieAlexis kind of deal. we never had alone time, ever. we never went on a date, ever. i would fall asleep in bed with Mike and wake up with one of his idiot friends crammed into bed too, thinking it was cute. whenever we had sex, someone would either walk in, or be on the other side of the wall. it was really, really annoying. i didn't let it get to me then, thinking when we got married and moved out here, it wouldn't be like that anymore. even in MOS school, whenever i spent two paychecks to see him, Parsons and Neu were always there. 

it started realllllly getting to me when we moved here. my thoughts of actually getting alone time with my husband flopped that very first night. Parsons stayed with us in our hotel room as soon as we got here, and Mike didn't care to tell him to get his own. on our one year dating anniversary, Parsons and Neu were over, and Mike didn't care otherwise. on our sundays, he had his friends over. i literally had to bitch and scream at him to get them to leave! we had just gotten married, just moved in together, and there was still no god damned us! it died down for awhile until about a month before Deployment. Mike always wanted to go out riding with Parsons. he didn't seem to want to spend time with me, the one he was leaving. i was extremely pregnant and felt like my husband that was about to be gone for 7 months, with PARSONS, didn't want to spend time with me. you know how much that hurts?! 

Mike went to MOS school with Parsons and saw him and hung out with him everyday, from March to July. they went to the movies every weekend when we have been to the movies, like three times? all with other people as well. he works with Parsons from 6am to 4pm, everyday. and clearly, they eat lunch together. he has ditched me, and our child, to hang out with Parsons. he has had him spend the night, and went riding all day with him, while Ryder and i were sick, and instead of wanting to take care of us, he wanted to have Parsons stay another night. i also shared my sons first Christmas, with this douche. i clearly told Mike, that i can not stand this kid. and i didn't want him at my house because he sits there, on his phone, or plays music that i can't stand, instead of actually watching a movie, or playing a video game or something. when i cooked for him and bought him gifts for christmas, he left without a thank you. why would i want to be around that? he constantly just parks his bike, which he had at our old house for two months without working on it, taking up space in my first home, outside THIS house of ours, as well as his truck, without even asking or telling either of us. i get in the truck to go somewhere and see it. because his truck won't pass emissions to get on base. really?! he has never openly disrespected me, i just think he's weird, and rude in my eyes. and Mike is always so quick to want to help him with something but can't help around the house. but i told Mike, i had no problem him talking to, or hanging out with him during work. that they are free to keep their friendship, just don't bring him around me or talk about him because he annoys the piss out of me. especially after his bitch dog girlfriend incident, i just won't deal with it.

so why, in god fucking name, would you invite your son and wife out to lunch, with your BOYFRIEND?!!?!? it caused a huuuge fighter later, and i asked him why he didn't just tell Parsons to get his stuff to go. and he tried telling me that they had already ordered when he asked me to meet him there. (btw, i checked the message. it clearly said meet ME at carls, not "me and my boyfriend") and that was a lie, because after i dropped Mo off, he asked me what i wanted so he could order. then tries saying that he thought Monique and Steven would be there too. when i had told him i had to drop Monique off first... what the fuck?! he's going back to this bullshit again? first of all, you're an idiot to be trying to tell me this, second of all, you need a fucking slap in the face.

so, i kicked him out. i took Ryder from him, made him get his shit and get out. he disrespected me by inviting me to lunch with him and his boyfriend, and then ignoring me and his child in the process. i can't wait to get back to indiana and invite him out to lunch with Steven James or Billy, people he hates. then maybe he will get how i felt. i have no idea how to teach him a lesson on how bad he hurts me anymore. and i'm tired of fighting. so, he gets to leave for a night and come back and try again tomorrow. well, i ended up trying to call him around 10 o clock. it was suuuper windy and i swear i saw someone trying to get onto our back patio. i sent Indy out and he freaked out, and must have scared someone away. but when i brought him in, he was pacing. he was nervous and i knew something was up. also, Ryder wouldn't sleep. which never happens. he was just laying in bed with his eyes open. so, i got nervous myself and called Mike. no answer. i tried for 45 minutes to get hold of him to tell him what was going on. finally, he answered. and when i told him he just told me to put Indy outside for the night. really? and risk my dog and put him outside in the wind and cold?! he didn't even seem to care if something were to happen. he was silent and i hung up. but i still couldn't sleep, neither could Ryder, so he eventually came home. i tried my best to put it behind me.

wednesday; 

he came home from work and i was fine. i was over yesterday's junk and moved on. i had been up early with Ryder, no nap, and doing a boat load of laundry. so, i ask him to cook dinner. he makes microwavable chinese. while we're eating, like always, Ryder wants some. he's on top of me, all the time when i eat. no matter what i do. or i put puffs in front of him, take a few bites and have to put more down for him. regardless, i never get to eat. it's getting to the point where i don't even want to eat anymore, it's too much struggle. and me, watching Mike eat his dinner in silence and peace, while i'm sharing with our child, really gets under my skin. hes done with his before i barely take a bite or two, and then he watches tv while i'm asking him to take Ryder and distract him. he does for a minute or two and Ryder is back. it's extremely frustrating, this happens every time i eat. i'm not mad at my child, i deal with it during the day. but Mike really needs to let me eat, for once, in total peace, alone. and not savor his food, since he gets to eat in peace during lunch. 

lately, he has been slacking as a dad. and that pains me to say because usually, he's pretty good. he's late on dinner and bath time, when it has been the same times since he got home. i have to remind him and tell him it's dinner time, or it's bath time. and even to tell him to change his sons diaper that's sagging to his knees. once again last week, Ryder had a diaper rash and i know it isn't from me. i am so quick to change him during the day and i make sure i wake up and do it when i hear it, or when i check on him before bed. he never had a diaper rash until Mike came home and it really angers me. i hate seeing my child in pain and i know a diaper rash is only caused by irresponsibility. 

but nothing really, really, really makes me mad more than me telling him NOT to do something with my child, and do it anyway. 

my poor child pees, A LOT. i always have to change his diaper in the middle of the night. so, i decided it was time to stop the bottle when it was bed time. i did this one night and he woke up, 12 hours later, with a dry diaper. no soggy diaper, less diaper rash and uncomfortable feeling. so, i told Mike, don't give him a bottle when you put him to bed. he has yet to listen. i don't know if Ryder just prefers me to put him to bed or what, because he fights Mike. Mike tries to settle him down for about 5 minutes and makes him a bottle, which i told him, not to do.

last night when i checked on the baby before i went to bed, i found him absolutely covered in pee. his diaper was full and his pajamas were soaked. so i had no choice but to change him. he woke up and wasn't happy. i asked Mike to hold him and comfort him while i changed his bedding. but i told him, DO NOT GIVE HIM A BOTTLE. Mike gave him one going to bed, and here it was 4 hours later and he was covered in it. so, Mike held him for a few minutes and walks downstairs. and comes back upstairs.

with a bottle in Ryders fucking mouth....

i glared at him and asked him what the hell was that! he told me it was only half a bottle.

like half a bottle won't make him pee everywhere!?!? i told you NOT to give him a bottle. and he did anyway. i was fucking livid.

my child does not need a bottle shoved in his mouth when he cries. he needs a parent, comfort, affection, and to be calmed down when he's upset. Mike put him in the crib and went back to sleep. i had to use all my power not to go and punch him in the face.

so, i took Ryder's bottle away, which made him even MORE upset. but i laid in his crib with him for over an hour consoling him, him clinging to my shirt, and finally he fell asleep. 

problem solved.

thursday;

i wake up and realize the trash wasn't taken out like i had asked Mike to do. yes, i know. something so small and pointless but it made my blood boil seeing as the past few days were not good. and, i also saw that his bike key was on the counter.

another thing that shouldnt matter!

we have one motorcycle and one durango. clearly, i drive the durango. we just spent almost $300 to fix a part on his bike. last week, he didn't want to ride his bike because it was somewhat dangerous. i understood and told him to take the truck. he asked me if he could take it on wednesday because of all the wind on tuesday. i said, no problem.

where was him asking me to take it this morning? how did he know i didn't have anything to do or even want to do anything? he didn't ask, and i had told him last night that i needed to get out of the house.

so, he takes the truck when his perfectly fixed bike is sitting in a parking space? when there was no gear inspection or anything? seriously.

so, after the bottle, the trash, and the truck, it was strike three for me and again i told him not to come home tonight. he asked what the hell was wrong with me and why i would flip out and the world wasn't ending. this, was also while i was on my SEVENTH load of laundry in two days.

i was flipping out because the dishes from dinner the night before were left out, that the cardboard containers dinner were in the night before were still sitting on the stove. that we had months and months of dirty laundry piled up left for me to do, and i did it all with my child clinging to my leg, having to chase down the dumbass little dog because she keeps getting out because Mike hasn't fixed the hole, because i'm beyond exhausted and putting school off because there's too much to do around the house and i have no help. that i stayed up with my child yet another night because he needed someone and his dad was "too tired" to give a damn. and it all hit me that, with another child, it's going to be JUST as bad, and worse. i busted my ass to get the house clean and nice for his homecoming and ever since he's been back he disrespects me and leaves it a trashed mess. that messes just sit there for weeks because i'm too caught up in the things that need to be down immediately that i can't get to it. that things i ask for to be done, are never done, like my bookshelf we bought over a month ago that it still in the box. and after so long, you just can't take it anymore!

i made him bring the truck back and handed him his helmet. he kissed Ryder and Ry just stood there, staring at Mike. no emotion, at all. he didn't even know the difference when i closed the door. that to me, broke my heart. Ryder saw his dad and didn't care that he was gone again. he feels something is wrong too. 

i got in the truck to go get food and i saw Mikes cammies in the front seat. this was after i got mad because i had to remove trash from my childs car seat before i put him in there. so, i was calling him to see if he needed them. he didnt answer for about 2 hours. finally he does and he tells me sorry he didnt take his phone with him. i told him Ryder and i were leaving for the weekend and he could come say goodbye. he said he couldnt drive because he had been drinking...

drinking...

alcohol.

my eyes welled up with tears and i hung up. 

i don't like alcohol, or even beer, at all. i never grew up with it, i think it's pointless. i've drank a handful of times and it does nothing for me. i think, it's completely irresponsible. and here i am trying to teach my husband a lesson and hes out having fun with the single marines. when he knows i hate drinking. not to mention now, with a baby. i don't care what kind of fight we are in, what if something were to happen to Ry or i? first he doesn't answer his phone and now he's drinking, with no way anywhere. how responsible of him...

now i know, read this and tell me, well, if i hadn't kicked him out he would be home with us, and not drinking. ya, ya, ya. well. sometimes you have to. but that doesn't give him the right whatsoever.

so, i decided to get away for the weekend, just my son and i. i still have our suitcase packed, i havent decided if we will actually go or not. i was going to leave in the middle of the night but i haven't slept and i don't really trust myself driving roads i've never been on, on little sleep. but i know that i don't want to deal with Mike this weekend. so i was going to take my son to Santa Monica and just be near the beach. tomorrow, i might change my mind. but tonight i am still in bed at home. i told myself that when i turned 23, i would make things change. that i would change my attitude and hopefully that would make my marriage better. i turned 23 over a month ago and this is the first time i have failed at what i said i would do. but i know that i can be happy go lucky all i want, be who everyone needs me to be, and i still will not be appreciated. i know that life could be a lot worse, that a lot of husbands and dads don't help. but i have been on my own for too long to just let all this go. he tells me he's tired, but he doesn't see how exhausted i am. the dark circles i have, how i want to sleep but can't because there is things to do. that he gets a break, everyday, by going to work. he doesn't have to do dishes or laundry or chase a baby, or a dog, or hear barking, or deal with... anything. and i know that if i worked, and trust me, i inquired about a job recently and got no response back after telling them that i was pregnant, that i would have more energy. i'm trying to divide chores and responsibilities evenly, and he won't allow it. i was so mad when, after an exhausted day of TRYING, but not succeeding to catch up on chores, that he couldn't even do the one thing i asked the night before. he tells me he does chores on weekends, but he doesn't do everything that needs to be done and it all just builds up. and it falls on me. every single time.

i have not failed completely at my plan for my 23rd year however. i remember all the other fights we use to have i would want to divorce him, or go back to indiana, hate my life, degrade myself for not being good enough, just be so unhappy with everything, not just him and i. and i can honestly say that has changed. i dont cry nearly as much as i use to, and this time around, i was only unhappy with the way our marriage was, i was mad at my husband. i knew it wasn't something that i did wrong, i wasn't unhappy with any other part of my life, i still love myself and everything i do for my children. i still know that i do everything i can for this family, even though i deserve a lot more. i didnt go into depression because my husband and i are not doing okay this week. and for that, i am proud of myself. 

i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. i don't know if i will head off to the beach in the morning when i get a good nights sleep, i don't know if i won't, but allow Mike to come home. i don't know what i would say to him anyway, or him to me. there is never really any sincere apology, or understanding, or conversation for that matter. and i'm hoping that all this will end by Monday and he fixes things like i need him to. i don't expect him to see my logic, just like i will never see his. but respect it regardless. we have been together long enough for him to know what hurts my feeling, and to say he's sorry, even if it's just for making me cry and he doesn't understand anything else. part of me feels bad for him. because, had i not been so insecure all my life, or judged, or hurt, than maybe i wouldn't feel this at and get so angry and upset at the things he does or says, or doesn't do. maybe he just got the short end of the stick choosing me, the broken little girl. maybe marrying me had more to the package than he had imagined and just can't handle it and he just refuses to give up. that thought makes me sad. but that's one thing i will never know.

i know, above all else, that i am a good person. that i love my children and i do what's best for them. i know that if all i ever am, is a good mother, that i will die happy. everything else will fall into place, but nothing is more important than my beautiful babies.

speaking of, i think i will now go steal my son from his crib and snuggly his cute little chunkiness so that i can wake up to the most precious face i have ever seen. i sure do love that little boy, and he will tel me what's best for the two of us when he wakes up. he is always so full of answers. my perfect little boy. <3

-ks. 

twenty nine.

the worlds biggest question.

you are always asked when you're younger, until now even.

"what do you want to be when you grow up?"

and that one single question has been haunting me for the last 20 years.

i have changed my mind so many times. i would have to call my mom, though it is almost 2AM her time, to ask what i first wanted to be. 

a nurse, a famous gymnast. when i got to high school, i wanted to be an Army medic, then i wanted to be an MP in the Marine Corps. i went from wanting to be an FBI Agent in a big city, to a patrol woman in a small town. in the last year i have thought about Psychology and being a therapist, to a social worker, even a foster mom. i wanted to live in Indiana forever, and then move to the country. i wanted to drive a fancy car, to a pick up truck. 

i sit here at twenty three years old, in the middle of nowhere. married to a man i barely knew when we did get married, pregnant with our second child. and now, after all this time, i have finally, FINALLY, figured it out. 

i want to be;

h.a.p.p.y.

the things i want out of life, aren't "things" or "careers" or anything else. they are feelings.

i am already lucky, this i know. and lately, i have been extremely happy. more of a constant road, than an uphill downhill roller coaster. i want to be.. free. i want to make my own choices and what is best for my son and daughter. i want to be, most of all, their mother. and i couldn't be more thankful for getting the chance to be that for them. they have both changed my life forever. i want to be a wife, most importantly, Michaels wife. from now until death do us part. i want to be young, or act young, and carefree in any possible way that i can. i want to love, and love with every fiber of my being. i want to cry, and cry freely at any given moment i feel to do so. i want to laugh and not think about how silly my laugh is. i want to dance. i want to dance around my house in my pajamas with my children to any song that they desire, making up the steps as we go along. i want to slow dance with my beautiful husband in the middle of our kitchen, to absolutely no music but the song of our heartbeats, beating as one. i want to let my hair down and just be still, for a little while.

but most of all, i want to be that memory keeper i have always been. i want to hold photos of my past, and learn to live with the mistakes i have made, and love myself even more for those. i want to make entirely new memories, wherever my children, husband, and i go. i want to make my two childrens lives the best that i possibly can, and see them want all the same things i want out of this life of ours. i do not expect them to ever know what they want to do, or go. but i do expect them to know exactly who they are going to be.

theirselves. for all their life to come. 

Michael Ryder.

Lyvia Jean.

no comparison, they are but two completely different beings, that shared my womb at one point in their life. but that is all that they will share. 

all i want to do, for the next 60 years of my life, is simply. live.

i no longer care if i get my dream job. or, well, even figure it out honestly.

i don't want to wonder if i have ever let people down, or i wasn't good enough for so and so and whats his/her face. there is no point in sitting around and counting my losses. 

i am. Kimberly. i will always be a Paterson, but i will also, always be a Nelson.

i will always be the mother of two beautiful and charismatic little children, who will grow into teenagers, and eventually, adults. and their entire life, i will always be their mom, nothing can ever change that.

until the day i die, i will also be Michaels wife. through the good, the bad, the ugly, i will never leave his side, or him, mine. 

the things that i do know about my life, are more than anything i could say about what i am supposedly, suppose to eventually figure out. so i don't see a point in struggling to figure out who i am suppose to be, or who others want me to be. because i am perfectly fine and beautiful the way that i am. i am not broken, i do not need to fix myself.

happiness has always been a hard thing for me. i have battled so much depression throughout my life. even, in the last year. i have had too many ups and downs, "black periods" where i didn't even exist. i have struggled so much to find myself and who i need to be. i have been judged and looked at differently. i have always been compared to my super smart and successful sister and my brother who... well. he isn't anything good to be compared to. but i was. growing up i always felt like i needed to be like them. follow in their footsteps. and it took me twenty years to realize i was far to big to live in their shadows. i was always worth far more than both of them combined. my sister is still in love, or was, with her ex boyfriend from high school, awhile back, instead of her husband. she struggled to get pregnant for years, and i think she felt cheated because my beautiful, warm hearted nephew, has Autism, while her little daughter is perfect. my brother has absolutely no stability in his life whatsoever. he doesn't hold onto a job for more than 5 months time. he moved to Oklahoma just to move back. he graduated from his what, 3rd, 4th, college? and i have no idea what degree he received. he is 26 years old and has never been loved, fallen in love, or gotten to any point in settling down. as much as i understand they have good intentions, why, would i ever want to be like them? like Kelly, with a lot of money and barely has to work? like Kevin who has far too many options? i, am Kimberly. and at 23 years of age, i have already out shined them both.

it doesn't matter how little i knew Mike when we got married, or anything else. it doesn't matter how young i was when i had Ryder, or how quickly we got pregnant after he got home and how close in age our children will be. it doesn't matter that i up and moved 2,200 miles away to a place i had never really heard about, and had no idea what to expect. or the fact that i quit college. it doesn't matter that i didn't ever get perfect grades, wasn't in the popular crowd, didn't have the closest friends. it didn't matter that i didn't grow up to be someone people remember. because none of that is important anymore.

i, am a good mother. i know this. and nothing anyone says or does can ever make me feel differently. though i am young and missed out on that "party" stage, i don't go out and catch up on it and leave my child with someone else. i don't post photos of myself kissing another girl, wearing slutty clothing, or dancing on table tops. while people sit wondering, who is watching my child tonight. i'm sorry, but that isn't needed. i don't need to go out and get attention from anyone else and heavens only knows, i would never want to embarrass my child by anything i do in my life. i think and do, only for my kids. and i know that i am a good wife, despite the past issues Mike and i have had. 

i can only hope that i am looked at as a good friend.

and more importantly, as a good daughter. as much as it hurts me to look back and never feel good enough for my mom, because i wasn't following anyone else, and i, then, wasn't really anything much. i can hope that i am a good daughter now. because i am a good mother and i have handled myself beautifully in so very many situations where a lot of other women fall apart. and i am this amazing mother, all because she taught me how to be one. and the things i didn't like her doing or saying growing up, which, wasn't much when i look back on it, but was a huge deal then. i will learn from with my children.

i love my life.

i am one of the strongest women i have ever met in this world. i hold myself to being strong, all the time. but i know when it is okay to fall apart. because i know that when i am ready, i will once again, pick myself back up. and not only do i have myself to count on, i now have two babies, and a wonderful husband to help as well.

i love my laugh, even if i snort from time to time.

i love my crooked teeth.

and my afro frizzy hair, that has colics in front and it NEVER lays right.

i love my new "mommy hips" and the fact that i no longer care about numbers on a stupid scale, and trying to be that skinny tiny little girl. i am a mother. i have grow two children in my womb, and i am more beautiful for that, than fitting into a size 3 jean.

i love my body, even with all my snap, crackle, and pops.

i love that i have a "bucket list" notebook of all the things i want to do in life. and about 87% of those items, have absolutely no meaning to anyone else but myself.

i love that i have the ability to write. that words have become my life. whether reading or writing. i am thankful that i have those beautiful words, in so many ways.

i love that i no longer look at myself and see nothing. i always use to think that i was invisible. that i would never amount to anything. but in fact, i have accomplished more in a years time, let alone two years time, than most women can say they have done in 5, or even 10 years. and i have handled myself beautifully.

i love that i am free. and can make my own choices. that i can laugh at jokes that no one else thinks is funny. that i can not hold grudges any longer. or get depressed over the past.

i love the fact that i now have the ability to let go of things. how can i sit and waste time getting sad and mad over the past, when i have such a beautiful and bright future ahead of me? there is no point in living in something that can not be changed.

i love that i am alive.

that i wake up every single morning and breathe.

that i am healthy and my babies are healthy.

i love being able to walk into my sons bedroom in the morning and see his bright smiling face and hear his giggle. and watch Mickey together before he is on the go getting into everything that he shouldn't. i have a son. he is right in front of my. he is happy, all the time. and he is smart. he is perfect, no matter what.

and soon, we will be giving him another reason to giggle about, as well as ourselves.

i can not wait for life. for our future, and anything that comes along our path. i will embrace it, and learn to let it go if need be. but i will always keep putting one foot in front of the other, refusing to stumble, or fall. 

i will always keep moving. 

we will always be dancing to our song. <3

-ks.

twenty eight.

oh, smiles!
after last nights little spat with my husband, i asked him again today if i could order my camera. before he told me i couldn't do it now, i was fine with waiting. but, that made me mad and i wanted it now. he asked me what it was that i was looking at, that he hears me talk about it, but never actually sees it. so, i handed him my laptop. he handed it back to me about 15 minutes later with Amazon telling me that there was an order placed. not only had he gotten me the camera, but the starter kit with a camera bag, tripod (which will be amazing so i dont cut someones face off by holding it in front of me) and an SD card, extra battery, and lens cleaner. i was sooo excited. i can not wait to take pictures of the boys, and our new daughter, and especially Ryders birthday photos!! as much as i love the photographers works out here, it's so much more personal when i take them and i don't feel like i'm telling someone else what to do!

and, i can finally breathe!!! my downstairs at least, is super clean! and i slept in until noon. Mike cleared out our dining room area and made it into Ry's giant play corner, which we have been talking about for a month now. he vacuumed and did all the dishes and washed the counter and the stove. i woke up to the house smelling like cleaning supplies, which i love! so, everything downstairs is done and clean and it makes for a happy mama. next weekend, upstairs. which, includes my bookshelf haha. we even went grocery shopping and it went well. i tend to get irritated with him when we go, he never gives opinions on what he wants to eat. i got a lot of random things i had found online, so i hope it goes well. so tired of eating the same things! wish me luck at not burning my house down!

but, the best part about the day. lol.
i finally made him text his mom. well, really, i wrote the text and he hit send. just "it's a girl" he really, doesn't want to talk to her. and now, i'm starting to see why, seriously. the entire conversation was like one you would have with a random person at a grocery store. she asked names and he said it's between Lyvia and Kynslie (i still can't make up my mind.) and when she said Kynslie is different, he said yeah, that he didn't really like it but it more my choice this time. so, he got points there.
she threw a little "pity me" and said, "well, it's not like i'll see this one either, just like your son. i havent seen any pictures of him for awhile from you."
so, he sent her a picture.
of him in the tub with a water mohawk, and the side of his face. bahahahahahahahahaha.
now, i can't lie. my husband takes some of the cutest pictures of our son on his phone and he sends her that one. one where you can't even see the baby's face. classic babe, classic. well, if that isn't a big fuck you. haha.
she told him that it looked like he was growing a lot of hair, which, he is. and Mike said yeah, i grew mines out so i could do my hair like his. so, she asked for a picture of that. he knows i have loads on my phone, but he told her that he wasn't sure where any were.
reading this conversation after my husband went to sleep, i decided not to further push the issue of her visit. though he told me it would be nice if she met his son, clearly, even though i was all for it and had o negativity, it wasn't even important to him to talk about that, or involve her in our life. he knows i dont want her out here passed the end of June so, that's all on him. when i ask him if he's okay with my mom coming for the birth, if her pansy ass gets over the fear of flying, he has absolutely no problem with it. it's a good feeling. but then again, my mom has never hurt him, or disrespected him in the slightest. but, just knowing he would much rather have her here, and talk to her, over his own mom. melts my heart just a little bit and i hope that means a lot to my mom as well.

i love my husband. and he is starting to come around. i know i'm not the easiest to live with.
we bought a $5 mini watermelon at the Commissary today and he told me it was lucky i'm pregnant, that's an expensive watermelon! lol. he's the greatest dad, and Ryder is attached to his hip all weekend. he really started to flourish as a baby once his Daddy got home. and i can see how in love they are with one another, everyday and all the time. he's just as goofy as his dad too. he has stopped saying any comprehendible word, except for "Ackie" which, he doesn't really know what it means. and he sure knows how to push mommy's buttons like daddy does too. it's pretty amazing what that little boy does to my rough and tough husband. and anyone that knew him before would be so, so proud of him for who he has become. i'm in awe myself! and i know that me, our son, and our daughter, are so lucky to have him as ours. <3

now, off to finish my sisterhood everlasting book, which makes me sad. i've read all of them and didn't expect this ending. and snuggle up and go to sleep. since i get to wake up with my beautiful son in the morning and watch Mickey and listen to hims babbles all day. my favorite part about mondays. :)

-ks.

twenty seven.

i just want...
my independence back. i miss working, a lot more than i care to admit. i would give anything to give the last bit of energy i have, to just get a job and make my own money. thats the biggest reason why i can't wait to go back to indiana. i have my freedom back, and options. sure, i get the things i need and a want here and there and my children are provided for, but what about me?
the thing that really kills me in this marriage is this "he can and i can't" bullshit.
yes, i'm bringing up my camera, once again.
the camera that hasn't been talked about since the last time i posted. neither here, or with him.
my mom is sending me some money in two weeks or less, for half of the camera. this is a late birthday/early mothers day present from her. she wanted to get all her kids something and this is what i just happened to want.
tonight, knowing that the money is coming, i went looking on Amazon for the one i wanted, though, i know which one i want. last weekend after the ultrasound, we went to Best Buy and i warned him, if i found the one i wanted, i would be walking out with it in my hand and he told me "he knew."
so, i didn't figure tonight would be much different. my mom has never let me down and when she says she's doing something, there is no possible way she will let me down. not to mention, this is half of my birthday present from his as well.
of course, when it's time to talk about it and i ask his opinion on what he thinks, he stares at me. i wasn't asking if i should order it now or now, just, what he thought. he told me i couldn't order it until my moms check came in the mail so we "didn't have a large chunk taken out of the account."
this, was my turn to stare.
how in the hell can he sit there and tell me this!? we have about the same amount of money as we did when he bought his motorcycle jacket and helmet, an even BIGGER chunk, when not half the money was coming in a few weeks. are you fucking kidding me?! how is it that HE can go off and get what he wants, i don't tell him no, and i can not? his excuse was, he needed it. he uses his bike everyday.
true.
but, i have over 1,000 photos on my dinky ass cell phone because i take photos so often. half of which, don't even look like what i'm trying to take a photo of. i have a point and shoot camera and lord only knows where the charger is so, i haven't been able to use it in months.
it really pisses me off.
ever since we got our tax money back, there has been no talk of saving it. i have been spending the week getting things we need and i want for the kids. most of which are off Bookoo and i save a lot of money. tonight i found a double stroller i liked and wanted and he had nothing to say about that either. and i know that, if i don't start saving or getting things for the babies, all the money will be blown.
it's down to me to watch over my family when it comes to money. i always, put them first.
it's not like i want to spend almost $500 on clothes, or shoes, or a single fucking purse.
i want a camera to capture my childrens lives as best as i can, while i have the ability to.
hm, whats that helmet and jacket do for your kids? keep their dad alive? ha, some days it wouldnt matter either way.
i'm just so mad. it's always me, thinking of everyone else. and never anyone else thinking of me. sure, i know i'll end up with the camera, but why is my wanting one not important?
and here i was earlier this evening, asking him to call his mom tomorrow and talk about her visiting, when anyone that knows me, knows thats the last thing i want. but he had expressed awhile back that he wanted her to meet my son. so, i push my own feelings aside for him.
when it will never be done for me.

all this just freaking sucks. he's a great help around the house and a great dad to Ryder. but when it comes to me, it's always a hit or miss. and it's become so unfair. i do everything for this family and i sacrifice everything. i try not only to better my children life, clothing them, making sure they have food and toys and are always happy and safe, but i try to better my own by taking online classes for something i don't even want to go into anymore. everything i do and all the hard work i put into life just makes me want to throw up, because i have never, never gotten anything back. i wish my life was different, or i had the ability to make things different. but here, i don't really have that option. i just want a little piece of myself back. other than being Ryder and Lyvia's mom, and Mikes wife, i am at a complete loss of myself. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, other than be the best mom i can possibly be. i have hopes and goals and dreams that i would die to reach, but am not sure if that is possible any longer. it's not the best feeling in the world. this, roadblock.

and lately i haven't felt very good about myself. just when i think things are getting better in our marriage, they just, kind of stop. they're not bad, but not that great either. i just feel like, i sit, and watch our baby, and grow our other baby, and pick up after everyone without a thank you. when he gets to go to work and come home and be done for the day. he complained about having the stay at the shop for warriors night on thursday, but he got to socialize and drink. i would love, even two hours away from my son, my dogs, just to sit and enjoy someones company, or just, my own. i have been calling my mom a lot more lately because i just feel THAT alone. Monique has been busy so we haven't talked. my phone never buzzes with texts anymore. and when Mike gets home, we don't talk either. so, other than the constant baby babble and the dogs barking, i live in a world of silence. and it's beginning to drive me insane. that's why i read so much. i see words, conversations, that all make sense. i'm so sick of him using the line, "i'm not a talker, i have nothing to say." how can you not? all i have been hearing is Parsons this, and that. motorcycle crap, shit about his work. nothing i even care about. clearly, i have more important things to be thinking about right now. i am just so frustrated tonight and want to stay in bed and avoid everything tomorrow. which, i just might.

just another rut in the damn road i am currently traveling.
this too, shall pass.
:sigh:

twenty six.

i love, my father.

i always write about my mom or siblings but my father is absent a lot from my posts, like he was in my life. my dad was an over the road trucker that came home on weekends and would rather watch television than to teach us to ride a bike, or throw a ball back and forth. i don't have many memories left of him growing up, but the ones i do, he was fighting with my mom. he has a temper, that one. yes, i get that from my dad. a lot of the time, he chose to be away from us. when my mom was pregnant with my brother, he walked out on them for 8 months. he was in the same town when he was born, but didn't come to the hospital. he was never around for recitals, or plays at school, or to see me get a badge on my sash in girl scouts. all my life, i pretended i didnt have a dad. how could i, when i didnt even knew the person that created my life? i have so very few memories of him, and barely any photos with him growing up. i never understood him. he never gave me the chance. but i am so much like him. our temper mostly. our outlook on life and wanting to make the most of it before time fades away. us, both being the families rock, he taught me that, you know. but i think, having my father absent from my life, made me run to any guy, trying to make them love me. i held that void for so long. and then, my brother abandoned me as well. and now, now i don't have that fear. i have the two greatest loves in my life from the opposite sex. my husband and my son.

i dont think i really opened my eyes to my father until my Grammy died my senior year. after spending days in the hospital, he took me home to shower and get clothes for my mom and me. i had just gotten in the shower when he knocked, and told me we had to go... the tone in his voice let me know that, this was it. i paniced. i threw clothes on and ran out the door, tears streaking my face. it was the first time i asked my father, what to do. he told me to stay calm, that it was going to be alright. to stay strong because thats what my mom needed me to be. we walked through the emergency room doors together. and something between us changed. 

right before Michael and i got married, once again, my dad came into play. we had our first heart to heart, and finally, i felt like the daughter to a wonderful father. he talked to me about a lot of things that night and i went to bed and cried. and how amazing it made me feel. he was looking out for his little girl. his little "kimby" like he never had before. but never once did he judge me. that man, though not always being present in my life, has never once, not ever, passed judgement on me. i am fairly certain he knows about my abortion, though he has never brought it up and led on that he knew, but that's the thing i love about my father. he knows i will do what i need to in my life. never once, in my 23 years, has he told me, or acted like, i let him down. he has never once told me he was disappointed in me. even though, i'm sure there are times he wasn't all too proud of me, he's never made me feel bad about myself. 

my dad, walked me down the aisle at my wedding. in on the left, my mother on my right. and in that moment, all those times i missed with my father, seemed so small. though he wasn't there for a lot of things, he was at my wedding, and gave me away to a man he barely knew, but trusted with his little girl. that moment meant more to me than he will ever know. i went from the little girl crawling into his recliner with him to watch scary movies with, waking up earlier than everyone on christmas morning, and him already being awake, waiting for me. to the teenager he saw in uniform, to the woman, a bride on her wedding day. nothing else mattered but that very moment.

when i had to fly back to indiana for my papas funeral, it was my father that i clung to. him and i would take walks around the funeral home, go have lunch, and talk crap about aunt sandy. he was my rock to lean on through the entire mess, and the one that came looking for me when i took off walking 15 miles home in flip flops because i couldn't stand who my "family" was turning out to be. he was the one that took me back to the airport early when i had a gut feeling that something wasn't right back in california. he understood. he has never questioned anything about my life. 

and when he drove my mom out to california to visit, seeing him with my son, was the most heart warming thing i have ever seen. even my mom said, he never even acted like that with the twins. he would hold Ryder and play with him, and pick him up if he fussed and we were busy. it was such an amazing feeling! and i think now, more than ever. his baby girl moving across the country and having babies, and a daughters name he can not pronounce, so he will make up a name for his grand daughter like he did his daughters cat, he realizes that he missed out on a lot of things he shouldnt have, things he can't get back. but i love that man, stranger or not, all the same. 

fathers, no matter present in their life or not, shape a daughters life.

and it honest to god makes me cry knowing that i can give my daughter what i never had. Mike is already talking about dancing around in a tutu with Lyvia to make her smile, daddy daughter dances in girl scouts, and bringing her flowers at her dance recitals. i cry at daddy daughter moments on movies because it kills me, it's what i have always wanted. but knowing my daughter will have that, and i know she will, i have no doubts about Mike that way, just makes me so warm inside. <3

my dad might not have always been there. but he has been there when no one else understood. when people judged me, he didn't. he has been there for me when it mattered the most. hes taught me so much in this life, and how it's just too short not to be happy and chase your dreams. he's an amazing man, and he's a great dad. and i know we're both sorry that it took me 20 years to finally see this. and honestly, i think him and i are the closest out of all my siblings. and i know he won't leave my life, or walk out on me. we don't talk much, but that's okay. because i know he will always be my rock. and be there when i need him. 

and seeing my son, with his own dad, and watching them together, has opened my eyes and turned me into a big baby again. fathers truely are amazing people. and having children, change their lives as much as it does ours. 

i would not exist, without my father. my father that rides his bicycle about 100 miles a week. at almost 60, that's a pretty big thing! a man that loves his little tiny chihuahua, and will never give up his talk of wanting to get a damn sailboat. even though his wife and two daughters get motion sick! a man who has always said his favorite color was brown, and nicknames things "fred." the man who taught me how to drive a go cart, and took me to mud bogs, a man that likes sloppy joes and pork n beans, and isnt afraid to go rafting with us. he's such a strong man, and maybe a big part of him is where i get my strength from. a man that never gives up, and in my eyes, someone that will live forever.

and i am my daddy's daughter. always.

-ks.