forty nine.

stay at home mommy.
i just read a great article on being a stay at home mom. i get so many rude remarks from Mike's friends, or, well, use to, seeing as they no longer speak. about how easy being a stay at home mom is, get a real job. yadda yadda. even Mike himself doesn't seem to know what my day to day is. the first six months before he was home was a lot easier than i imagined. i actually prefer those days to some of these hectic crazy ones. i always said it would be easy when he can do things on his own. boy, who was i kidding?
so, this is my normal everyday life.

my son is an amazing sleeper. he goes to bed around 9PM, and wakes a little after 8AM. when i hear him fussing, or yelling my name, i struggle to open my eyes, throw on my glasses, and go downstairs and make him a bottle. this is the only time he will actually lay down and drink his milk all day. it's our "down tim." he drinks his bottle and listens to music while i hop in the shower, or lay back down and hope he falls back to sleep for a few more hours, which is happening less and less. if i'm really exhausted i lay in his crib with him and usually he falls back to sleep, thank goodness. i know i'm lucky on that part! but after my shower and a quick email/facebook check, i go into his room and grab him and take him downstairs.
i turn on cartoons that are never watched.
and he grabs the most random item to start the day out with.
today, he was carrying around his shoe with a pen he stuck inside of it around the house.
anyway, when we go downstairs, the dogs hear me and want let out. i open the patio door and fill their water bowls and pour their food, and Ryder is right there at the door watching me. so he doesn't get trampled, i pick him up and open all three cages one handed and let the dogs out.
once the dogs are dealt with, i try to make myself something quick to eat. if i sit down, Ryder is right at my knee trying to take the food out of my mouth. i end up eating half of what i made myself because he wants some.
then he goes back to playing.
no matter where i go, he's at my heels. i can't even take a 30 second pee break without him coming in and slamming the door against my knees. i can't open the fridge to get a bottle of water without him trying to climb in there himself. don't even bring up the dish washer. before i even get it all the way down he's trying to take things out of it. same thing with the dryer. if i'm putting clothes in it, he's trying to close the door on me. he thinks it's hilarious.
when it's his lunch time, it's hit or miss lately. he is starting to be a picky eater and instead of fight with him to eat baby food, i just give him whatever snack i have, or a banana, or some mac and cheese from the little cups. which, he usually just throws on the floor, and food is wasted. he seems to only want his milk so i let him out of his high chair and give him his bottle or sippy, he doesn't care which one, and walks around, then usually drops it a minute later to pick up some other random item.
diaper changes and putting clothes on him is like a Rocky movie, i swear. i am kicked, punched, scratched, anything he can think of. he usually runs away buck naked and i have to go chase him. even handing him something to distract him is losing its charm. i sometimes have to literally hold my child down and sit on part of him just to get a diaper on his butt.
and i would rather not mention clipping his nails, that happen about every other week because it's seriously, world war three in the Nelson house.
while i clean, Ryder helps. when i wash bottles, he is standing or sitting between my legs with a toy. whatever clothes i fold, he unfolds. whatever i tell him not to touch, he touches. that in itself, is exhausting. it's a constant up and down, playing with him, stepping on toys that feel like your foot is being ripped off, picking up the same things over and over again.

Ryder is really good with outings, well, with just Mommy that is. he's having an issue with his dad lately. but he's in the grabbing stage of shopping so i have to remember not to put him too close to things, and he likes to twist himself so he's facing the back of the cart, grabbing things from the cart and tossing them out. if i'm not getting too many items, i throw him in the basket part and he enjoys himself with whatever he can find. keys... my keys are a big thing. and if you try to take them away, good luck!

i think when Mike gets home, it's the worst. lately whenever that is, Ryder gets really, really crabby and i have no idea why. i am extremely lucky to have such an incredibly baby that rarely whines, cries, or fusses. there's a small tantrum here and there but they end really fast. but when his dad gets home, he's super whiney. he doesn't want to play with toys, or eat, or do anything. it's really frustrating because he's not like that at all, all day! even Monique saw this yesterday, it was insane. i think he's having separation issues from Mommy. today i fed him dinner, gave him a bath, and put him to bed, things daddy usually does. and he didn't have any problems whatsoever. it's really weird, but i don't mind.
bath times are fun times.
bed times, depends on who is handling it. haha

when i put Ryder to bed, we have our little thing.
i'll walk him up the stairs and talk to him. i walk in his room with the lights off, turn on his music, and stick a binky in his mouth. (which, i am proud to say he only uses when he sleeps and car rides.) i kiss him and run my fingers through his hair and set him in his crib, hand him his blanket, and walk out of the room. if he fusses, i give it a few seconds, but i usually walk down stairs and let him snuggle down and get comfy. if he cries, i go upstairs and rock him or lay with him, just whisper to him and pat his back, rub his head, rub our noses together, until his eyes close. then i hold him tight for a few minutes, climb out, and the battle is over. i've never really had to wrestle with him to sleep. i just soothe him and he's out.

with his dad, oh god.
he fights Mike for sleep so bad. even when Mike lays with him, Ryder is standing up and jumping in his crib, climbing all over Mike. i don't think Mike knows what calm down time is. it takes an hour sometimes for Ryder to calm down and not fight and fuss with his dad, in which i get agitated and give him a bottle. when i am completely against bottles at night because he pees so much, i don't need him getting a diaper rash by morning and trying to change him while he's sleeping isn't the easiest. i don't understand why Ryder has such a hard time falling asleep with Mike. think he's just use to his Mommy!

after bedtime Mike and i usually watch an episode of Lost, he goes to bed, i take a bath. i stay up late reading, doing homework, and catching up with my friends, until usually, about 2. i have always been a terrible sleeper at night, so i don't even try to go to bed at a normal time. i take a lot of naps with Ry lately, i steal him from his crib and just snuggle him. though, sleep rarely happens because i am too busy staring at him, lol!

anyway, it doesn't sound like much but it's really tiring. and come August, it will be even more so. i get little sleep, eating is difficult, even taking a poop is hard some days. i constantly worry he will find something he shouldn't. i look terrible, all the time. i'm tired, all the time. there is no more "me" and i know that i got lucky. i have a great, fantastic, little boy, who rarely gives me any trouble. i can only imagine what it's like to have a little terror child!

but i wouldnt change any single second of it. even if i am tired, taking care of a child, a household, pets, and a husband, is a difficult task. especially when taking on getting a degree as well. but it's all worth it when he comes running into my arms with a smile and says mommy, or learns something new that i haven't missed it. i don't ever plan to have a career, being a mommy, is a full time, lifetime, most rewarding job there is. i love being able to wake up with my son and spend the entire day with him. though it isn't easy sometimes, it's most worth it. it makes me sick when moms would rather go out and party, or pawn their child off to someone else. its hard for me to even spend an evening away from Ryder to see a movie with my husband! i have children, to be a mother. not to be cool, enter some trashy trend, or for someone else to raise them for me. i am raising my son the right way, the proper way in my eyes. and he's a good little boy because of it. he's absolutely spoiled in love and laughter, he's already polite, and he is treated with respect, even at 1 years old. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. i take being a full time mommy with pride. it's the best thing in this world.

forty eight.

it makes me sad.
that, last Easter, i brought my brand new baby son home with me. it was the first night him and i snuggled in my bed together, the first night i got to wake up completely alone to feed and change him. it was the most emotional night i have ever been through. especially since i was alone. but being with him, that night, just him and i. made me realize that i didn't need anyone else. that life was so precious and small that it fit in the palm of my hand. my beautiful little boy. that night proved to me that i could do anything in this world, no matter what. as long as i had him by my side.
becoming a mom made me realize more in life than i could ever imagine. it made me closer to my own mother, but it tore me apart from the rest of my family. it still kills me, that stupid question, "when are you coming to visit indiana?" my family and i will not be back in indiana until we move back, next November. but that won't be making much of a difference. i have watched "family" not give a damn about me or my children, no congratulations, not asking how we're doing, nothing. i honestly thought maybe getting married and having babies would make my sister realize i wasn't her baby sister anymore, that i was a grown woman. that all the people that thought i have made so many mistakes in my life, would open their eyes to the person i really was. and it didn't. i am still just as invisible as i was before i ever got married, or had my son, or will have my daughter. and to be asked when i'm visiting, infuriates me.
when are YOU visiting? when are you coming to California to meet my children, where were you when i delivered my son on my own, recovered from a cesarean section, and handled the first six months so completely and utterly alone? where was even a phone call to ask how i am doing? i didn't get any of that, from anyone. my sister, especially. her and i were beginning to get close when i got married, and right before i left. we text messaged all the way to California and as soon as i got here, it was like i barely existed. her and my brother will not meet Ryder until he is 2 and a half years old, and Lyvia is 15 months. because no one cares. and i think i'm starting to prefer it that way.
i can honestly say that i do not regret moving out here. i don't regret having to do it on my own. being "alone" made me realize how un alone i really was. i will always have my son and daughter, and husband. no matter where he is in this world.
as much as i hate my mother in law and want her nowhere near my home or son, i have to admit. i give her a lot of credit for actually coming out here. twice, actually. i am still unsure of any reason, or how it will go, and i know i won't like it regardless. but she cares enough about someone or something to fly out here to visit. to take time off work and leave Tiffany the house for a week to be out here with her first born and his son. it says a lot more than anyone in my family. other than my mom of course. my sister drove to and from Colorado for my cousins wedding, she's flown to Disney in Florida, twice. and flown to New York, all for pleasure. and she has never once said how she would like to come meet my son. or my daughter. or anything of the sort. i deleted her off of my Facebook so she would have to ask for information. and her and my mom don't talk often anymore, so she barely knows anything about my son. i texted her last week about baby gates, she answered my question and left it at that. my brother, is a whole other story. i deleted a lot of family members from my page as well, and felt guilty and added them back not too long ago. no messages, no comments, nothing.

it's like i never even existed.

it all just makes me ill. my mom asked me today if i wished i was in indiana like we had planned to be. and i had to tell her honestly. no, i didn't. not once since i moved out here have i felt left out about not being home for a holiday with my husband and son. what is the point? so i can waste my day with people i can't stand, people that don't care about my life or know anything about it? people that sit back and judge me constantly? watch the manipulation between family members and watch my mom get walked on by her sister? the last time i saw Sandy i told her how i felt about her and walked 15 miles home. i don't ever plan to see her again. or any single person on my moms side of the family anymore. the important ones are gone from our lives. the people i know that would care, so, so very much about my children. it breaks my heart that my guardians, i feel more present, than the people that are alive. i can not get over how it all makes me feel.

there are so many times in one week when i think about the move, that i do not want to go back to indiana. if it wasn't for my mom, i wouldn't ever set foot back in that state. Mike and i already know things won't be much different than they are now. i'll see my mom more, we might see his. if his sister stops being a skank, we will more than likely see her more often. but other than that, i don't see how it's going to be any different. i still, won't exist. my children still, won't exist. no one will come over, we won't host holiday dinners at our house, there isn't a point. even my dads side of the family is slipping. i have always looked up to all of them, they never judged me. but they're also not there at all either.

you find out who deserves to be in your life when you need them the most. the days i started needing everyone was over a year ago. they weren't there then. they're not there now.

its really hard. i know a lot of people wonder why Mike and i fight so much, and then fight so much to make it work. other than the fact that we obviously love one another and can't see it working out with anyone else. it's also the fact that, we're all each other has anymore. we have our little family of four. and we are going to teach them as they grow up, that the four of us stick together, and we are all we really need. i am so tired of letting people into our lives that so carelessly walk out, or don't care about any one of us. my husband went to war, and missed the birth of his first born. i went through it all on my own at the age of 22. my cousin karen was a young mom, with no baby daddy around. everyone helped her make it through. my little cousin passed away because his parents were too careless to keep an eye on him. he drown in their pool, with four adults in the house. as terrible a tragedy it was, people care more about him and his death, than knowing anything about my children. they throw a celebration every year for him... for a careless, stupid, ignorant mistake! when there was a big scandal with my other cousins wife, the family helped him. no matter what hard time they went through, there was always someone there. i have had no one. ever.

i still can not let go of the fact that my entire family went to Disney and didn't even tell me until a few weeks before. i wasn't invited, i wasn't thought about, no one cared. they didn't like some of the choices i have made in my life at that time, so they shoved me aside. this was almost 3 years ago and the sting of the pain is still so great. i had never felt more alone than i did then. and that's when Mike and i met and he made me feel wanted. and needed. he didn't forget about me. he included me in his life, his decisions, everything. he took my hand when i felt most alone and showed me i was anything but.
just like his son did last April.
my husband left for 6 months in the most difficult and terrifying times in my life and yet, the only thing that was really missing was an extra set of hands and a few more hours of sleep. as much as we argue and he hurts my feelings, he has never hurt me as bad as every single living soul i am suppose to call "family" has, back in indiana. even Trish has hurt me, and maybe, just maybe, this trip will make the world of difference between the two of us. she's doing more than anyone else i know.

oh, i have no idea why i am getting into this. i guess i am just tired of being asked by people i never talk to, that said they would be there for me, when i am coming to see them. when them coming to meet my son and daughter would be easier than uprooting two babies, three dogs, fighting for a longer leave time, driving 5 days there, staying a few days, with them more than likely not even seeing us, just to drive 5 days back. that a simple message would be nice here and there, so see how i am doing. they know nothing about my life and i have had enough of it.

my children are so beautiful, even if i have not yet met my daughter. seeing Ryder's smile light up the room, how in love with life he is, and all the little things. i can not promise them more than i can right now that the pain i have felt with family, the pain their father has felt from their family, will never be felt, ever. i was so dead against Trish coming and i am still not happy, but she cares enough to fly out here again, even after last time, to meet our son. i have to keep that in mind. and my mom. she knows almost everything that happens in my son's life, and i know she would trade anything just to get here and spend time with him. i just wish she saw how badly i have been hurt, and how none of this is my fault. she tells me that once i move back i can reconnect with my siblings. but why? when i haven't done anything but do things they wish i hadn't. it's also a jealous factor that i am in love with my husband and my family and my sister is surrounded by "what ifs." my children are too good for those people. they always will be.

i never know how lucky i am until one of my friends points it out. like one of them did the other day. she told me that i'm "living the dream." and it always makes me sit back and think that, i really am.  i have one amazing little boy. he has always been healthy, and happy. always, always happy with a smile on hi face. he is walking all over the house and giggled when he falls. he thinks the silliest things are hilarious. he has changed my life so much, there is no way i could live one single moment without him. we are blessed to be expecting another baby, a daughter even more so, at such a young age. we are both able to grow with our children, and live a long happy life together. i am so happy that i was healthy enough to get pregnant again so soon, and that Lyvi is growing so well in my womb. there are days i worry that, having rushed, she will come out different than her brother, but i know that no matter what, she will be absolutely beautiful, in her very own sort of way. and we are all lucky that my husband will be here for the birth, and get to catch up on all he missed with his son. i am lucky enough to have a faithful husband. i hear so many women devastated by things i do not think i will ever have to get through. that i trust him completely and even on our hardest days, there are only two women for him. his wife and our daughter. and despite his stubborn ness and me wanting to punch him sometimes, he usually always makes up for it in a day or two. and no matter what, he is always there to kiss me goodnight, and tell me he loves me in the morning. and i am extremely lucky to have held onto the relationship with my mom as i have, her being so far away. talking everyday, multiple times a day like we do, sure makes it feel like she's here with me, or i, there with her. we see each other once a year and that's nuts, but it doesn't feel nearly as long because of the closeness we share with one another. i am lucky enough to always have her by my side. sometimes my stomach drops at the thought that one day, i won't be able to pick up the phone and call her about the funny thing Ryder just did, or tell her what i'm cooking for dinner, or call her after a good book hunt to read the descriptions of them. it kills me, every time. and i know that i have to make the most of every single day with her. her and i both know that time is too short. and i am lucky enough that, every time i hang up on her, she always calls back. and at the end of the day, she will always be my best friend. ups and downs and all.

and my little family is so blessed to have three such beautiful women watching over us every night. i have been thinking lately about how i wished my grammy was still alive. she always called me "brat baby" when i was growing up and i call Ryder that now. she always encouraged me to write, write what i know. and when i write these posts, i think about her often. i might not have been published like she said i could always do, but i write whenever i get the chance. she knew me through some really hard times in my life. and i am so glad she didn't have to be here through Billy and watch me deteriorate at the seams. but i know she sees me now, watches me every single day. and i know, from the bottom of my heart, that she would be proud of who i have become. as a woman and a mother. there were so many times i know that i had let her down, and been a person i shouldn't have been. but i can't go back, and i wish i could. all the time. to be a little more patient, listen just a little bit longer, hug her just a little bit tighter. and tell her how much i looked up to her, every day of my life. i wish i could have just one more minute with her, to look her in the eye and ask her, if i have made her proud. i wish she could meet my husband, watch Ryder walk, hear Lyvia's cry. i want to tell her all about my dreams for my children, my babies so full of life. and to say that i hope i can love them as much as she loved all her daughters. i know that, no matter how many times i have let her down, that those days are over. and that she's still here with me, all the time. and that i am never, ever alone.

-ks.

forty seven.

blame hormones.
or whatever you will but this week has not bee a good one, last week wasn't all that great either.
i'm struggling, and that isn't something i like to admit. i am called superwoman for a reason, but i guess even the best fall down sometimes. but i feel totally alone in this world right now. i get this way a lot and i try to hide it. but it isn't fair anymore.
i'm struggling trying to get through these next few weeks and get over his mother coming into my home for eight straight days and he isn't making this any better. we don't talk about it. i ask what we should cook during the week, or what things we can do outside of the house and he just shrugs. i work a lot better if there is a plan. even something so dumb as to the meals we will cook. but it helps, a lot. i don't like going day to day with things anymore. there isn't just myself i have to think about, but my children as well. and Ryder works better under structure as well. i find that he has a better day if i tell him the night before that we need to go grocery shopping when he wakes up. though, i know he doesn't fully understand, but it makes me feel better knowing i can give my son a plan. i like making lists and having certain days devoted to certain chores. i like things in their place. having to search for things, even for five minutes puts me in a tizzy. i like being heard. i think that's the biggest thing that's bothering me this week. i feel ignored. everything i talk about the conversation falls flat. the things i ask him to do i have to either repeat myself or they just do not get done. i've been trying to calm down and relax as much as i can, knowing in August things are going to get twice as stressful and difficult. and the fact that i feel this way now, gives me little hope once my daughter gets here. and that isn't something i ought to be getting worked up over, it's a happy time. i'm a mother, and i love being a mom. there is nothing better in this world. and i love having someone else to think about and care for and love other than myself. i'm not a selfish person and i do not get upset if my day doesn't go as planned because of a late nap, a cranky baby, or anything dealing with my child. i can easily go with the flow with my son and i know that i can do the same with my daughter.
but when my husband walks in the door and wants to take a shower, and eat because he's "starving" because he supposedly hasn't eaten all day, and then goes to bed at 10PM because he complains he's tired. day in and day out it wears me even more and more thin. i can not remember the time i was able to shower when i wanted to, without setting an alarm and waking up an hour before my child is suppose to. and even then, sometimes that doesn't work. i can't remember the last time i was able to eat a meal without being interrupted, and am snacking on things all day because that's all the chance i get to eat. i told him yesterday that he needed to wait until Ryder went to bed to shower, that it really wasn't fair to me for him to come home, his son get excited to play, and Mike just go take a shower and leave me to pick up my crying baby because his daddy doesn't want to play. even when i am in the middle of doing something, Mike doesn't allow me to finish. everything he is doing is bothering me. on top of all the stress of his mom coming out here and the baby being due in 4 months time, i have no idea how to handle everyday life anymore. i have to constantly ask him to do the same things over and over. and most times, it doesn't get done. it's getting to the point where i have to tell him to change his sons diaper while i do something else, because my poor baby's diaper is sagging to his knees. he has had a diaper rash for over 2 weeks. when Mike isn't home and i focus more on my child, i change his diaper every hour and a half just so he doesn't have to sit in his pee and make his bottom hurt worse. i have to tell Mike it's dinner time, or bath time, or it's time for bed, so don't rile him up. i asked him to feed Ryder something different tonight and he ignored me and fed him what he always does. portions that are smaller than he needs to. when i put Ryder to bed, he understands that it's good night time and only fusses for a few minutes, while he fights Mike and Mike just gives up and wants to give him a bottle so he doesn't have to deal with it. this "amazing father" i have been calling him in the last few months are slipping. it's like, he can't even care at all. and i've about had enough.

Ryder is never fussy when it's just him and i. he knows my parenting style and mommy means business. i do not let him play on the couch, if he wants to cuddle or sit and watch cartoons, he is allowed on the couch. if he wants to jump, he has to get down. i do not let him play with my sunglasses, which he loves. because i like knowing where things are and not having to go look for them when it's time to go somewhere. same with my keys. when he's fussy, if he is, i don't immediately think, "oh, its nap time!" and try to lay him down. Ryder woke up and was still in his crib when Mike got home today and within an hour he asked Ryder if he wanted to take a nap. seriously?! and after i took away my sunglasses, somehow Ryder had them again. but god forbid Ryder ever touch Mike's Oakleys. he has been falling asleep in Ryders crib at night while trying to calm him down because he's sooo tired. and yes, he does work during the day. but when was the last time he stayed up until 4AM doing homework or reading to relax, and waking up a few hours later and tackling the day. and instead of napping like i would like to, there are things i need to get done because i have no help. i love being a parent. no matter what mood Ryder is in. he has a set schedule, as he has had for almost a year. Mike, doesn't seem to care. last night after his bath  i set out jammies for Mike to put on him. Ryder always seems to have the hardest time with Mike after bath time, and screams and fights him. but whenever i give him a bath, the way i do it, he doesn't do any of that stuff. they came downstairs and Ryder didn't have his pjs on. and when i asked Mike why not, he just said, "Ryder was fighting me and wouldn't let me." i stared at him. you're going to let a 20 lb one year old "fight" you, so you don't put clothes on him? are you serious? so i went and grabbed them and put them on him myself. yes, he struggled a little and got mad because he wanted to go run around. but why in the hell would i let a few second fuss session stop me from doing something he needs? tonight, he almost did the same, because Ryder was tired and didn't want pants on. i told Mike that he really needed to be the parent. all this talk of discipline and "oh, i won't let my kids push me around, act like that, treat people like that." is a joke. a very, very sad one.

tonight made me blow up, completely. mollie and scout have been getting out of the gate for well over a month now. the way our patio is set up, you have to blockade the bottom of the wall and the gate. we bought bricks when we moved in here, and chicken wire for the gate. we lost holly right after Ryder was born, and Mike was gone because she too, kept getting out. he has yet to fix it, at all. mollie is small enough to fit through the hole in the bricks. and from Indy jumping on the gate, he tore a hole in the chicken wire that scout fits out of. and, as i said, this has been going on for a long time now. within a few minutes of letting them out to eat and go to the bathroom, i have to go chase them down. i grew tired of that rather quickly. they stay around our area but the run around barking their heads off. they always come back which, sometimes, i wish that they didn't. but, Indy seeing them outside running around, makes him antsy and want to get out and run too, so, he barks. all day long, i hear barking. and jumping, and yipping, and it's really, really frustrating. and they can not making it through the night without pooping or peeing in their cage. i don't have the energy to wake up extra early to let them out, and not be able to go back to sleep because i have to chase them while they're barking. i should be able to let them outside, go back to sleep, and let them in when i wake up. but i can't do that. so, i wake up to the smell of dog shit, almost every morning. Mike's responsibility is the dog cages and the poop outside. which, goes months without being done. instead of cleaning one or two cages every few days if they poop, he just throws all three of them into indy's big cage. which then, gets pooped and peed in by the small dogs. so instead of having to clean one, maybe two of them, since scout is worse with his pooping in his cage, he has to clean three cages. that he doesn't do until the weekend. so, i have an entire week os smelling constant dog shit, in my house. after a few days i suck it up and do it myself but how is that even fair?! it's disgusting. after last week i told him i wanted him to take them to shelter. i couldn't take it anymore. and he told me that "they were my dogs, i wanted them, so i had to deal with them in whatever way they come." and that really, really made me angry. i shouldn't have to be knee deep in dog shit and chasing dogs around outside with a one year old in the house. he has no responsibility. do i have to remind everyone of the fucking piece of shit car that has been sitting in front of my house for over a year and hasn't moved?! yeah, yeah, that's what i thought.

anyway, he fell asleep in Ryders crib tonight while i was reading my schoolwork. and scout got out and was running around barking for half an hour straight. i lost my temper. i went into my sons room and slapped Mike to wake up and told him he needed to go chase scout down and lock them up before i lost my mind. he does, he lets them in, as i'm calling my mom, comes upstairs and lays in bed. clearly, telling me to have my conversation elsewhere.
i go downstairs and see the box that i asked him to take upstairs and put in Lyvi's room. then i hear indy snap at mollie and realized that they're all, once again, in the same cage. that Mike did not clean out scouts cage like i asked him to. i walked into the kitchen to dump his half glass of milk in the sink and throw his popcorn bag away, to see that there was a full bag of trash in the trash can, meaning he did not take the trash out to the street like i asked him to. i.cannot.stand.him.
if i wanted to do everything on my own, i wouldnt have gotten married in the first place. here, Mike expects me to compromise and allow his mother here, in my home, when he ignores me and doesn't do anything i ask him to. sure, he might clean this weekend, but why does he get the privilege to not do anything during the week? especially since i ask him to do these things. why can he never take initiative  and get something done without being told to? then i realized our cable/internet bill was due on the 26th. i rarely forget bills but with dealing with EVERYTHING else, it slipped my mind. and clearly his too. he can't even help me out by remembering one little thing for me. its getting the best of me and i have been trying to stay clam all week, all last week too. i spent all day monday on my hands and knees like cinderella disinfecting all the bathrooms from the virus Mike brought into my house. including cleaning his shit off the toilet seat, because he never did. and when he came home, he didn't even notice. just said i "started" on the bedroom. thats when i called it quits for the week. why do anything when nothing is ever appreciated? when your husband goes to bed when your son does and you barely even talk. i can not do this much longer.

i have been wanting to go mini golfing, or do ANY sort of outing since Mike got back. we havent done anything fun, at all, since before Deployment.. that he left for, over a year ago. so this weekend, i, myself, once again, planned a picnic and mini golf date since he has a 72 this weekend. i was making stuff for the basket when he came home and wanted to shower. well, i have been wanting egg salad sandwhiches. it brings me back to home. every summer my mom, dad, siblings, and i would go on a road trip for tumbling and my mom would always make egg salad. i haven't had it in years, so i decided to make it. Mike said he hated eggs, but i asked him to at least try a bite and if he didn't like it, okay. he took a bite of it, ran to the garbage can and spit it out and said he almost threw up. and asked where the mouthwash was. i think, that is one of the biggest housewife slaps in the face, ever. i don't think he understood how badly that cut into my skin. it's okay to not like something, but don't make a childish production of it and ask for the mouthwash. that was extremely uncalled for, absolutely. not to mention he ate the other half of the cucumber i put in the pasta salad and said it didn't taste right and threw it away. after tonight, i'm not doing it. i planned this nice little thing for us and he was nothing but a dick to me. it was all my plan in the first place, when i have been wanting him to wake up and tell me to get ready and lets go.. somewhere. anywhere, anywhere nice. so, i plan to just roll around with my kiddo all day tomorrow and ignore him. there isn't a point in trying to make a nice day out of it, pushing my feelings aside once again, and let it go...

i'm just, really overwhelmed and he always, always makes it worse. just once, i want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay. that all this, will eventually be with it. well, i do know that it will be worth it. because in the end, the end of next year, if i am still on my own, i'm going to make it that way. the things i ask aren't anything to cause a fight over, by you not doing. i do a lot, and it's hard. but at the end of the day i do know how strong i am. and that i am taking care of my children. and that i will never ever stop taking care of them. i told him that by the beginning of the year, if he has no plan when he gets out of the marine corps, and we don't have as much as i want to saved up, and he doesn't have some sort of job in mind, and in the works, that he has to re enlist and i am taking the children back to indiana to get on our feet. as it is, i am 23 years old with two children and having to figure out a place to live on my own because Mike chooses not to discuss it, when he doesn't understand how close next November really is. if it was just him and i, whatever. i can live on ramen noodles and hotdogs, and live in a run down place. but i have children to think about. they are all that i think about. and they are what give me strength.

being a parent is the best choice i have ever made. i am happy that i made the choice that i did with Billy, because, as much as i would have made ends meet, i wasn't stable enough within myself to raise a child on my own. i did not have the right mind set. after having Ryder and going through what i did for the first six months of his life, i knew what it was like to be on my own with my son. i have the mentality and the maturity to make it work on my own if i had to. i always have a backup plan in the back of my head if i had to walk away. and i believe that all moms should as well. no matter how well the marriage is going, how hunky dory, or whatever fairy tale life you live in. you have to have an escape for you and your children. not even if it turns abusive. even just in my situation where i am not getting what i need to. and i know now, that even with two children, i can do it. with or without him. i don't think these past few weeks have been fair to me, whatsoever. i don't think that the weight of the world should constantly fall on my shoulders. when you get married, that husband you say "i do" to, should want to take some of that weight and give you a little breathing room in life. i do not have that. and i know that my own mother did not have that either. she told me that, she made it through. and yes, she did. and she did so well with her children. but, i look back on my childhood and i remember always wondering why dad never took me to school, or why mom always bought us gifts and played it off that dad did, or if he forgot our birthdays, she would make up an excuse for him. watching my mothers marriage, i know that it made her stronger. raising three children and making it all, somehow, work out. but it tore us apart. we had a piece of our lives missing because my father didn't choose to be around, or be involved. i can not recall the last time i heard my father tell me that he loved me, other than when i was out of high school and things between us changed. i have very little memories of my father. even when he worked from home, there's still a huge gap where that man is suppose to be. i don't want that for Ryder and Lyvia. even though Ryder won't remember now, i do. i will always remember. i can not unforget the fact that i have to remind him to change Ryders diaper, i can't unremember the carelessness that Mike has shown in the last two weeks, and him going against what i asked him to do, and not to do, with my child. i am so tired of people giving him the excuse of his bad parents and not knowing any better. i would think he would be a better man than that.

when i got pregnant, i had no idea what to expect with having a baby. having a little thing attached to you 24/7. little sleep, no time to eat. running here, there, everywhere. crying, temper tantrums, the works. i had no idea what i was getting into. but i grew up. and there isn't a moment of my day that i regret having my son, and my daughter on the way. i don't care how many hours of sleep i lose, or how many cold meals, i don't mind rarely getting out of the house, and "missing out" on things girls my age are doing. i would much rather tuck my son into bed at 9PM, calm him down, hold him until his eyes close. get a few hours sleep and do it all over again. there are days i can't remember when i last washed my hair, or what i ate last. i get random cartoon tunes and toy tunes stuck in my head on a daily basis. whether my child is fussy or happy, or throwing a little fit, there is nowhere in this world that i would rather be. being a parent, is all about putting yourself, after the lives you have created. taking a shower after they fall asleep. not being able to watch your tv show in quiet, or missing it completely because your baby had a meltdown. it's about not getting to relax until after midnight, on some nights, and waking up at 7 to a screaming child because his leg got stuck in between his crib bars, for the second time that night. it's about washing umpteen (<- thats a real word!? really? there is no red dots underneath of it telling me it is spelt wrong, hell yes!) loads of laundry and crib sheets, somethings washing the same things twice in one day. i would never chance any part of my life for Ryder, or Lyvia. and though i know that raising children 15 months apart with come as a challenge, often, i have no doubts about myself. and i know that i can do it on my own. i know that i am capable of that. i have more love in my son than most people do, in anything in their lives.
but i would either like help, from my husband, or not to have a husband around at all. i have thought a lot since he has gotten back that things were actually easier with him gone. i get excited for weeks in the field because i can do my thing with my son and not have him going against that. something has got to give because it's about to get more difficult. and if there is one thing Deployment taught me, it's who i am and what i will never stand for.

i have seriously thought about canceling his mothers trip. and not because i don't like the broad, which, we all know that i don't. but, i don't understand how it's fair at all. how my feelings are getting walked on and he isn't being sensitive about it at all. its me, compromising my feelings, being uncomfortable in my own home, and sucking it up to a woman that has never respected me, when i don't get jack. he hasn't even let her know that there is no air mattress to be brought, when i decided this a few days ago. the man i thought was completely on my side, seems to be getting farther and farther away from it now.  if his mom and him got along great and were close, i could understand a lot better why he is acting this way. but he can't stand her. every time i bring her up he makes fat jokes about her, he's cruel and mean. and he's going to bring her into my home, knowing i do not like her. i just don't understand why he is acting this way now that she bought her plane ticket. does he not understand that if things do not go as i want them to, that i am going to make her wish she never came here in the first place? that i will spend my days with my son elsewhere and he can sit and deal with her? he knows how i feel about all of this and i was the nice guy and am allowing it to happen. and that is the end of discussion with him.

just once, i would like for my husband to make it easier on me and not harder.
i need him to be here for me, and to be here for Ryder too.
i just have no idea what to do at this point.
thankfully, i know i am never alone. i have my world in my hands; my two children.
i am nothing without them. <3

-ks.

forty six.

so overwhelmed.
my positive attitude about my monster in law coming to visit is taking a turn for the worst. trust me, i've really tried. i was already irritated at the fact that she is coming in 3 weeks and she had yet to let us know any flight plans, and hadn't talked to Mike in 2 weeks. if you're coming to stay with us, don't you think you need to coordinate things with us, and talk to us? not to mention the nice email i sent to her went unreplied. well, i made Mike call her this weekend, and she hasn't booked yet. he had to change his leave because he was going to the field, which, made this even MORE stressful. here he was going to be in the field for 5 days, and come back, when his mother was already here. leaving me to clean up the house, get groceries for all of us, AND entertain the broad until he got back. even for a few hours, thats too much to ask! so he's going to be gone all week, come home, and have her here for a week, is that not just a tad too much?! for now, he isn't going, but i doubt that will ease anything in the situation.
tonight she called to say she was going to fly saturday, instead of friday. we thought she meant TO here. Saturday is the day that we are going to the zoo, and i will not let her fuck that up. so, my anger escalated.  this is my sons first birthday weekend, when i want to leave the house, we're leaving. whether you're flying or whatever. this isn't about her, this is about the nice weekend i am planning for my son. thankfully, Mike had my back and said it was up to me, and she couldn't come any earlier because i have a life and make plans with my friends. well, she was meaning leaving. so, she's leaving on saturday, not friday. she's going to be here 8 fucking days. 8 days! after that first weekend, we have no plans. theres nothing to do here. and i don't want to sit there and listen to her bitch for 8 days. then she starts talking about his sister, throwing parties while she's gone and what have you. who cares?! if you're going to sit in my house and worry or moan about it, don't come! seriously. not to mention, she wants to stay in our spare bedroom with an air mattress because our "couches hurt her back" really? really?! our spare bedroom, you can barely open the door. with all Mikes gear and the baby things, yes, that we will get to when we have time. no, you can not stay in there. so Mike said she could put it in the living room. is she going to deflate it every morning?! i know how big those things are and i do not need that taking up my entire living room, when i've made this house into a home. so, it falls on me to, not only clean the house top to bottom, take care of a child, get things ready for someone i can't stand to be around, now i have to bust my balls to get that room in order so that fat cow isn't in my living room for EIGHT DAYS! how lovely, right? as if, once again, i don't have enough of my plate.
i asked Mike why she was talking about Tiffany and he asked why the hell i cared. i blew up then and told him i was done. i already don't like any of this and here he is, being a complete dick about it. this is my house, and my rules. i'm not ready, nor so i have time or energy to dig through our spare bedroom. she doesn't get what she wants, when do i ever?! she either stays in a fucking hotel, or sleeps on my couch. this isn't a vacation honey, you're here to meet my son. and if i have it my way, i won't be home with him too much. i'm going to carry on my normal life while she's here and her and her son can chill while my son and i do what we normally do, especially going to lunch and hanging out with Monique. i refuse to let Mike have Ryder alone with that woman, i already have to remind him enough to change his diaper while i'm around since he doesn't do it automatically, and he already disregards my parenting skills enough. i'm not dumb.  and he's my child and during a normal day, he goes everywhere with me, that won't change, at all.
i shouldnt have to be this stressed out to have a visitor, even if it is someone that i don't like. when my parents came they came, to see me and my son and to help me out. they drove everywhere, they paid for groceries, my mom and i stayed up late to clean up the house, and to drink wine coolers and goof off. we had things to talk about. we had heart to hearts, even my dad and i. they were here completely for me. my dad didn't complain about traffic, or plane tickets, or anything else that Trish already has. they were perfectly fine with sleeping on my couches, they let me take naps if i needed it, they helped with Ryder. it was a little break from life for me. and this, this is already hell and i don't see it getting much better. and now i'm starting to feel like Mike isn't even on my side with what i want. i already told him, before all this, what i say, goes. and when i told him that she needs to stay in a hotel, he told me no. really? so i told him, i will make that week hell if i have to, or he can enjoy a lot of alone time with his mom. i have places i can go, things i can do, and stay overnight. if i dont feel like being here, i won't be and neither will my son. and i won't be keeping my mouth shut. last time i was so upset and hurt that i hid in my bedroom for 3 days. i won't be doing that anymore. you better believe giving birth on my own and raising a baby alone for six months gave me some fucking balls. i can't wait until she tries to bring up Mikes old friends. there is going to be hell in the Nelson household. its just so infuriated that i'm feeling this way, right about the same time as my sons first birthday. i shouldnt have to feel this way. again.

and yesterday was such a good day for us too. it just isn't fair, i wish she didn't even exist. and i have tried so hard to just get over it. and now i feel like Mike is slipping from my grip on all of this too. and i will remove my son and myself from this situation so it's not a repeat of last year. i just want this over with, but this will really show how strong our marriage is and how far we have come. so after she leaves, i get to make an even bigger decision for the kids and i. he knew we hated one another when we got married, so if that was going to be an issue he shouldnt have married be, or started a family with me. she ought to know her place with my husband, she wasnt even told we were getting married, she wasnt even invited to our wedding. come on now. you better watch your step lady!

i guess i can't complain too much yet, i dont know how it will all go down. maybe she grew a brain, and maybe he grew some balls. i can only hope! but until then i'm not doing everything myself. and i will have multiple backup plans, and i wont be sitting around doing nothing all week. and i wont make plans with her either, this is Mikes doing. i wouldnt expect him to do everything for my parents visit. so i'm going to sit on my ass, and try not to give a fuck that it's my house and it isn't the way i want it to be. i know where i stand and this is my home and no one will take that away from me. i don't care who you are. i just want to crawl into a hole with my little boy and shelter him for as long as i can. i have my fingers crossed that i wont be doing this on my own. why does she have to suck so incredibly, extremely bad? and i hope Mike can see this even more when she comes and just never want anything to do with her again.

breathe kimmy, breathe. it's one week, and you won't have to deal with her for another year and a half. i can do this, i got this. i have the reigns, i have the baby, i make the rules. no more give and take, when nothing is given back. i can do this. i hope.

-ks

forty five.

so very many little things.

to be thankful for in life. i wish that people took a step back and realize how amazing life is, and how much you're missing. i, of course, am one of those from time to time. but this weekend, i know that i am lucky. and always will be.

this weekend, my little boy took his very first real steps. he has been toddling all over the house ever since. he takes quite a few steps at a time and realizes he isn't getting where he wants to go fast enough and gets down to bear crawl. and he walked straight into my arms this morning and it was the most beautiful feeling in this world. my little bear is growing up, to be such a wonderful little boy. watching him play every day is the best thing i could be doing with my life. he loves to play with his busy balls, and is so interested in what is inside. he likes to put things, into other things. a few times mike has found a bottle or a binky in his shoe or boot, and he likes to put wrappers into Mike's cover. just a little piece of his baby to take with him to work. he is starting to climb, onto everything! whether it be a box or a suitcase, or trying to scale our TV stand, he even climbed up onto the couch the other day by himself. it's amazing what a little less than a years time can do for one small little boy. he babbles, ALL the time. i really think that he is going to be one of those little kids where, unless you're around him a lot, and know who he is, that you won't ever understand his secret language. i love when he wakes up and just starts talking, telling me all about his dreams and sleep. or crawls over to me to tell me something, then just walks away. he's a really busy baby, always curious about the little things. he is learning to play with his toys now. he has a cow toy from his Mimi with different animal pictures and you press it and it has the animal name and sounds, and i am constantly hearing it yell, "rooster!"from his play area. he presses the buttons with one little finger now, and now just slams his hands onto it. which, he still does my laptop, haha. for his birthday i got him an animal laptop that can teach him numbers and shapes and animals. i showed it to him to see if he liked it and he was sitting there pressing the different buttons. i swear he is way too advanced for toys his age. i show him half the toys for his age and he doesn't like them. they're boring to him, and i think it's adorable! he loves his stuffed animals, especially his Scout dog. he carries that thing around and gives him "lubbins" when he finds him in his pile of toys. he's also very.. different. lol. when i tell him he can bring one toy bye bye, he usually grabs his booger sucker, that if you get close to his nose, he will scream, or a pair of baby nail clippers, that he fights you so hard over, it's like world war 3. he will be satisfied if you give him your keys though, which is always a good thing in case of an emergency. he's starting to get a little attitude. when you tell him "no", he will stick out his lip and give you his little eyes, and just stare at you. it's seriously the cutest little thing, i can't get over it. it kills me every time! and he listens to mommy over daddy. when we give him a bath and he tries to stand up, i sternly tell him to sit on his bottom and he does. when Mike says it, he just smiles at Mike, and doesn't. it's adorable. but he sure loves his dad and already tries to mimick him. Mike went in the corner of the couch and crouched down, trying to hide and Ryder goes up to him and sticks himself in the corner too. a lot of the noises Mike makes, Ryder gives them right back. and whenever Mike puts his hat on, Ryder wants to wear it too. he has the worlds biggest personality and the brightest little smile. he's always so happy. he sleeps through the night and takes naps still during the day, which gives me time to rest. he is so independent and plays by himself in his play corner for hours, just examining everything that he has. and then brings me a toy to play with and crawls away. he's a little stink butt and i honestly have no idea how i ever lived without him. he's amazing.

i am thankful for my husband and how far we have come. and his testicles for giving me my two beautiful babies. and always being on my side in life, finally. i am so glad that we went through, all that we went through, if it means getting us right here, right now. and all our ups and downs, i still can not imagine life without him, ever. not even for a day, for a moment more than he is at work. and i am so happy that he is here with us now. and even if we do fight, i would take fighting with him, over not being with him, any day of the week. he's an amazing man, husband, and daddy. especially a daddy, and that makes me fall in love with him even more, all the time.

i am so glad that my mom and i are close, through all this distance. even if she gets on my nerves and we butt heads often, she loves me. she's still my best friend, and i know that i can tell her anything at all. i like that, even if she doesn't want us to, she's going to be there for us with our big move, and provide us a place to stay for a little while, all of us. and i know that she whole heartedly loves my children. she cares about them more than i will ever imagine anyone else doing in all their lives. even if she doesn't think the timing was right for me, she loves them so, so much. and it isn't because she buys them things like my mother in law seems to think, it's because she actually cares to ask how they are doing. she's always there for me to lean on and i know that i am me, because of her. and i have my children, because of her. 

i am thankful for Monique and Steven for being there for us, always. i dont think she knows how much i appreciate our little lunches or Walmart runs. i am glad i know who my real friends are and they are always there for me.

i am so happy i have the ability to breathe. and speak, and see, and hear. i love words and can not live without them. i have no idea what i would do if i couldnt stare at my beautiful baby every day. or see him smile, or hear him giggle. i am so happy to be alive, every day of my life. and now, i'm going to fall asleep happy, knowing i get to wake up in the morning and have even one more precious day with my little baby. and tomorrow, is going to be another beautiful day. <3

-ks. 

forty four.

i can no longer feel bad.
about losing a friendship with Lindsay.
today, Mike and Travis were talking about how weird Parsons was. we got to talking about i told them that supposedly, Nick was suppose to propose to Lindsay when she came down next weekend. Travis let me know, that he has never heard of her before. that Nick never says anything about her, but he did take another girl on his motorcycle up in the mountains, and was flirting with the new boot often. i kind of did a double take. this wasn't just Mike talking now, this was a complete outside source. i really had to sit and think about it, but i knew that if i didn't say something to her, i would have a heavy heart. that i would want someone to tell me if my boyfriend was doing that out here. so, i decided to go out on a limb and text her to let her know.
she told me she broke up with him today.
she explained to me that she had caught him cheating back in January when she was here, and she should have broken up with him then, but he had bawled his eyes out and begged her not to. that no one had loved him like she had since his mom passed away. she was hoping that he would change and so she stayed with him. but she couldn't take it anymore, or trust him at all, so she cancelled her flight here and broke it off, even though he begged her to still come. she told me that she was furious with the way  handled things and how hurt she was at what i said to her friend, who shouldnt have been involved in the first place. whether or not Lindsay told her to put her foot in, she did, and it wasn't where it needed to be. someone that has never, will never, meet me, and shouldnt know a damn thing about me had the nerve to not only message me starting crap, but to message Mike's old account when it was active to tell him if she ever meets his wife, she's kicking my ass. it was completely uncalled for and i stand by what i said, that is she was that childish to do such things, she had no right being a mother. so here, Lindsay did all this to herself. as i was sitting here trying to protect her from getting hurt, she already knew that this wasn't serious anymore. that Nick was cheating and lying. she fought with me to tell me that i was wrong, when i was right all along. she herself threw our friendship out the window, it wasn't me at all! though, i really hadn't expected for Nick to be this much of a douche bag, but i knew it would all fall apart either way. and it did, and this is exactly what i was trying to keep her away from. i didn't tell her i was sorry about how i handled things, and i didn't tell her that i was sorry for Ashley, because i'm not, at all. i did say that yes, i was in a tough time in my life and i shouldn't have blown up, and that i was sorry she had to go through what she did. i don't ever expect to be friends with her again, and i'm perfectly fine with that. she isn't needed, if she was really that dumb to know that Parsons want being faithful and yet still tell me she was moving out here and getting married and shit. really? like, come on now, how desperate are you? just pisses me off, completely.
but then again, now i want to kick Parsons in the face even harder for being dumber than i thought. kid, you can't get anyone, and you throw the one person willing to be with you, away. i really think he's just trying to fill the void of his mom being gone, with women. it makes no sense to me. but i am glad Colbert even agreed that he's a weirdo, finally! ahahaha.

sad that i was right and it sucks that someone got hurt in the process, but it serves her right. i'm about 97% right on all things. people really ought to start listening to me!

forty three.

this time one year ago.
all his bags were packed, but he wasn't ready to go.
we were standing there outside the door.
we both hated the thought os saying goodbye.
we drove to base in silence, clinging to one anothers hand. there were no words for what we were about to go through. my face was tear stained, our hearts heavy, it was the most cruel April Fools joke, in this world.
it was freezing, i was 37 weeks pregnant, and my husband was about to leave for Afghanistan. it didnt really hit us until the busses rolled up. they formed up and got in line, to leave his wife and unborn son for 7 long, long months.
Monique and i stayed there, until the buses left, crying.
thinking back on that night a year ago, i can not even begin to describe what i felt then, or what i feel now. i look back then and can not believe how much everything has changed between us. this time last year, i wanted to walk away from my marriage, i hated every part of life and had no idea how to survive on my own, in a house, with a newborn baby, on my own. i was terrified of what every day held for me while he was gone. i had no idea what to expect for the next 7 months. i barely had confidence in myself to leave the house, and i had no idea what to think of my husband that had just left, on top of millions of problems. i felt so helpless.
now, a year later, i have never had more confidence in myself. as a mother, and as a wife. not only do i have one very vivacious child, i have another beautiful little one on the way. i now enjoy every day instead of dread it. and i no longer think of walking away from my marriage. most of those millions of problems have been fixed and our marriage is so, so very much better. i smile, a lot more. and sitting here, in my living room, with my husband and Travis, with our son sleeping upstairs, i could not be more thankful. i know exactly who i am, i am thankful for my husband and our perfect little boy. i know that ups and downs will happen, and that i will get over it. as sure as the sun comes up in the morning and goes down again.
we talk more about our future now, when before he left, we didn't. we didn't even have a plan. and now, while driving in the truck listening to country music, we dream and talk about what we want, all the time. we enjoy our baby boy. we laugh a lot more than we use to, and our fights are a lot less. i really think Deployment helped us, a lot. it made us appreciate the little things. we got to fall in love again through emails, and Skype dates, just lying there staring at one another. even though things were difficult when he got home, things are pretty amazing now. i can honestly say that our marriage did not start until Homecoming night. and i am okay with that. all the hard times are nearly forgotten. and i am so happy we got a second chance at us.

i honestly can not believe how we hung on to each other, and our life together. and i think the biggest part of that, is because of Ryder. and i couldnt be happier with my perfect little family. ups, downs, and all arounds.

i love being able to look at my husband right now. even if he's playing a video game with Travis, sitting seriously like two feet from the television, haha. i like being able to run up and kiss him whenever i want to, and to have an extra set of hands around the house. i like snuggling, i missed that the most. i love the fact that our son is now walking, and his first real steps were right into his Daddys arms. and that we got to take picture of Ryder smashing a cupcake at the park today, together. and play with him, and catch him causing mischief, together. together, together, together. the most wonderful thing i can now say about life. <3

-ks.