fifty nine.

what a wonderful weekend.
finally my husband is off the range, so he had a lot more energy this weekend and didn't go to bed at 9 like he has all week. we watched a movie and played with the kiddo.
Sunday morning, after being awake with Ryder a few times that night, i was awoke by Mike and Ryder bringing me donuts, cookies, and bacon in bed. Mike even got me a card and hand wrote a little post it note from Ryder saying he was sowwy for keeping me up last night, that he just missed me. it was pretty cute. he did a good job, when i figured he would forget about getting me a card. which is all i really wanted in the first place.
we got ready and i felt pretty for once, and was wearing a dress, it was hot as hell outside, and i decided this was going to be my summer attire, it felt so nice, lol.
Ryder, Mike and I went out to dinner at a not so awesome buffet, but Ryder liked it because he got to try lots of stuff. he's absolutely adorable with new foods. he gnaws on it for a second and if he doesn't like it, he sticks his tongue out, and hands it back. i love this stage! but when he likes something he goes "mmm!"
i had to stop and thank my mini man for making me a mommy. there hasn't been a day that has gone by since he was born that i haven't loved being his mom. he has made me realize so much and it's the best thing i have ever done. he's awesome, i was so blessed with an amazing baby! even if he grew a weenie. :)
we went to Target for diapers and Mike bought be a fuzzy fuzzy zebra print blanket that i have been talking about since Christmas. i am all about comfort lately and i looove being wrapped in a soft blanket. and we decided i will get another late mommys day gift once we clear out Lyvia's room, that we haven't even started on, since i have too many books, i can get another big bookshelf. my poor, poor obsession! i really need to find a way to sell the ones i no longer want since bookoo isn't doing me any good right now. i hate the clutter in my closet.
we came home and let Ryder stay up an hour and a half after his bedtime just to play, and put him to bed. then we snuggled under my new blanket, he was feeling Lyvi kick like crazy! and watched a movie. we havent laid together in like, a week, so it was amazing. :)
and then my poor baby had a night terror. he gets these sometimes, i was just laying in bed reading and he woke up screaming and crying. i ran to his room and he had tears streaming down his cheeks, just laying there. i picked him up and he refused to open his eyes. i tried to calm him down, talk to him, everything. i went down with him to make a bottle and he didn't even want it. it broke my heart! i was standing with him in his room when Mike came in and grabbed him and he screamed and cried even harder!!! i wasn't about to try to fight him, so i grabbed his blankie and binky and went and laid with him in our bed and he was instantly calm, eyes still closed, clinging to my shirt. i guess he wakes up and doesn't want to be alone. he's going through something only he knows, it's so sad.
but i got to snuggle with my little boy. while Mike laid all comfy in our king sized bed, i had a toddler clung to me, his feet in my belly, and me having about three inches of bed to lay on, haha. but i wouldn't have changed it for anything. it was an uncomfortable night and Daddy let me sleep in a little bit this morning, and yes, i was pretty sore. but holding onto my baby that refused to let go of me all night long, felt so wonderful. i love that feeling of being needed, and wanted. he woke up just talking away, he's starting to make new sounds, like with his tongue. his top two teefers broke through, so i think he thinks it feels funny on his tongue. but he was fine all day today, like nothing ever scared him last night. i'm staying up a little later tonight to see if he wakes up again. the last week or so he's been waking up between 1-2. mommy will be ready. :)
today, Mike had off work because they were all in the field/range last week, so we got an extra family day and Mike wanted to go swimming. i absolutely love how much my little fishie likes to swim. i love seeing him and his dad in trunks together and playing in the water, and watching Ryder kick hims little legs and arms like a pro. i adore the little life jacket thingies they have at the pools for the babies too! seeing as it was 103 degrees today and it isn't even the beginning of summer yet, i'm glad we have a new family thing to do together. me and my bikini and my preggo belly with my little boy behind me. i love him more than anything in this world. and when we put him in the car afterwards, he was talking away like he was telling us everything about it. i love him.
i got to take a nap today. Mike is starting the "youre really pregnant, you have an excuse to nap" deal now, haha. it's nice that he acknowledges that it's getting more difficult to do things, and make it through a normal day. he even rubs my back at random and helps me stand up when i'm sitting. how adorable is he? lol! then we chased Ryder around and gave him a bath and put him to bed.
i love the little down time we have when the baby goes to sleep. i like working as a team with laundry and picking up all his toys and cleaning things up. i like watching him put his uniform together for the week, and just collapse on the couch for a few minutes before bed. it's such a nice feeling, being a team and getting shores done, especially without having to repeat myself. i have to admit, this was a pretty good weekend in our household.

but what made me most happy was how much my mommy liked her calla lily plant i sent her for mommys day from the babies and i. :) that was the best mothers day present, just knowing she liked it. she thanked me half a dozen times and it makes me feel good that i gave her something she can hold onto for a little while, and not have it die within a week, haha. she deserves it, she deserves a helluva lot more for putting up with me for 23 years, and now being away from her grandbabies. she's the best mom ever! :D

fifty eight.

whyyyy can i not escape it?!

mike and i have been married for 2 years at the end of this month. yay!

yet i still can't escape the drama and people trying to creep into our lives. 

mikes little sister just texted him to remind him that it's ryan's brothers 5 year death anniversary. no idea why he died, more than likely alcohol or drugs.

but mike hasn't talked to ryan in like, a year. why would it even matter now? it didn't last year, it won't this year. not to mention, it's after midnight. mike sleeps, we have a child, uhm hello!? i'm sorry youre up drinking at 2am with no life, and hanging out with all your brothers old friends, must you involve my husband?!

whats even weirder and more annoying is that Sable, yes, as in sexting Sable, tried adding me on facebook last night. i just stared at the screen like, really? so i messaged her and asked her to please stop trying to add me, i'm just going to deny it, she has no right in my life, my husbands life, or know anything about my children.

so she texts me.

she apologizes for the incident and she "can't believe she was texting MY mike, and not the guy she was meaning to." lies! and she hopes things are better between us despite of it. i told her yes, yes sable, things are perfectly fine between my husband and i. that something so immature as that couldn't tear us apart and we're happy with out family now. she said she was happy for us, yadda yadda. why?! this shit happened almost 2 years ago and i haven't talked to her since. why do these people constantly bring me up, try to contact me, and can't just leave us alone? why do you seem to think a text apology makes it go away, just because mike and i are good now. i can forgive him, you, never. i will still punch you in the freaking face if i ever see you again. "sorry i texted the wrong guy my raunchy nastiness while you were in indiana" doesn't really cut it for me, sorry. she seems to think we're fine now, because she called me tonight. it's a saturday, my husband is home, we have a family, we have lives. we were out for a walk and i just ignored it and texted her later to see what she wanted. "oh, just to chat, i'm driving so i thought we could catch up."... it's almost 8 o clock at night and i have a toddler and a husband. i don't like you, i want to run you over with my moms conversion van, don't call me. 

seriously.

it's like, i move across the country with my husband, go through a deployment, we have almost two babies together, and they still won't leave us alone. mike hasn't talked to any one of those guys in, as i said, close to a year, minus the one night we got into that big fight and he texted jon and ryan, but after that realized what an idiot that made him out to be and hasn't talked to them since. i don't understand why they can't just move on.

i hate when tiffany posts shit about "missing the old days" with her brother, skating, drinking and partying. first, it makes me mad because she copied his life. half the things she's into, mike started. i love that we're out here and he can have his own life and things to do without a stupid little girl following him around everywhere, screwing his friends. i now see why my brother got so irritated when i would try to do things like this. tiffany and mike have the same age difference as kevin and i. and i was nowhere near this bad. not one thing mike had, that tiffany didn't do. it's just gross. i hate seeing pictures of the Mike before me, because he doesn't exist anymore, or seeing her taking pictures in his old room or seeing old pictures with his old car that is now in a junkyard. 

it makes me most angry that that is the mike they remember, thats the mike they will always keep in their minds, instead of realizing hey, he's happily married now with a son and a daughter. that maybe he isn't that wreckless crazy motorcycle rider anymore, that maybe he would rather stay up late with his son that doesn't want to go to sleep and watch a baby einstein video with, and get up early with him to dance to the hot dog dance on mickey mouse clubhouse, rather than stay up half the night partying and drinking, and sleeping half the day away. they will never see this amazing man that i live with everyday. being a committed full time dad means more than anything in this world. more than drinking and having fun, fucking random girls, getting hammered and throwing up because of it. and not one of them will ever see that. it's sick, extremely sick.

and i am glad we have him to ourselves for the next year and a half. 

the man i met almost three years ago couldn't tell you who he wanted to be in life. he told me he didn't know if he wanted to get married, or ever become a father. he had a one tracked mind on skateboarding, street racing, being a kid and having fun. every friday night in the summer he would go up to Doty to street race and run from the cops, saturday nights consisted of multiple kinds of alcohol. early mornings were used for hessville and coffee, then off to the skatepark. at that time, he didn't have a job, and he didn't want to go back to school, had no idea what career he wanted. he wasted money on booze and going out to eat and he lived in his moms basement. he had a total of about 5 different shirts. all he cared about was having fun with his friends, even if they werent always there for him, or bashed his new girlfriend. he never stood up for anything, not even me.

Mike has changed so, so much. and i can not think about how far he still has yet to go anymore, because his changes in three years have been so great. he's a complete family man. instead of talking about wanting a new motorcycle or new car, he talks about what life he wants for the kids. friday nights consists of throwing pillow and blankets on the floor and rolling around with his toddler, bath times, night time bottles and rocking him to sleep. saturday mornings hold cartoons that he knows all the lyrics of the theme songs to. instead of drinking all night, he crawls into bed with his wife and holds onto her tight. he still skates, just not as often. he still rides but not nearly as wrecklessly. he still drinks but only beer. he doesn't want to waste any more time of his life, not paying attention or enjoying every moment with his son, and soon to be daughter. i wish everyone could see him the way that i do, and i wish someone else could even be half as proud of him as i am, and i know the kids will be too. when asked who has changed his life the most, he looks at me, and smiles. because we all know it. they might see it that i changed his life, controlled him, everything in a negative manner, but his opinion matters most. and they need to realize how positively i have changed him. despite our fighting or me "controlling" him, i did what needed to be down. what someone should have done with him a long time ago, to steer him in the right direction. i stood along side him through thick and thin and i am not going anywhere, ever. 

i use to worry about moving back to indiana. and mike slipping up, falling back into old habits, arguing with him on him going to doty, or out to a bar to drink, or me staying at home with the kids all saturday so he can go skate and be a kid again. but i no longer worry about any of that. he answers all my questions exactly how i would hope he would. when i ask him if he plans to be friends with them again he said more than likely not. that there isn't trust there anymore. when i ask, on whos end, he said both. but mostly his. he can't trust them to be good influences on the kids, or be there for all of us if we need it. he can't trust them drinking in front of his toddlers. that yes, when we move back he still plans to drink, but have a few friends over for a barbeque or something, nothing at all like it use to be. that he will always keep his head and his heart with his family at all times, and put us first. and it's so wonderful to hear. after so long of wondering and worrying and wanting to walk away from it all, everything is falling into place as it should be. i couldn't be more thankful to have such an amazing man that has gone through so many changes for his family, and made things be where they need to be. i love every little piece of him for it. and i love getting to know this new man i live with, since he is so different than the one that i met over Myspace, lol! we're a team, we stick together, hand in hand, all four of us. now, and forever. <3

-ks.

fifty seven.

i will never get over the heart melting, of being a mommy.
lately i have really gotten into being a mom. i see different moms and shake my head, or i read posts about moms being sick of their kids, complaining about exhaustion or whatever else. and i just sit back, stare at my son, and smile.
becoming a mom really changed my life, as nothing else in my life ever has. and it isn't because he is constantly attached to me, or i HAVE to be a mom because i got myself pregnant and had no choice but to take responsibility.
for the last year of my life i have enjoyed losing sleep all because my little boy needed his mommy. i wake up earlier than i want to, i'm tired all the time, and something, right as i'm falling asleep, Ryder has a nightmare and cries for me, so i get out of bed to lay with him in his tiny little crib for as long as it takes.
i have learned to enjoy my favorite foods cold. i can barely remember a time where i have finished a meal cold, i cook when i'm not hungry so my boys have something to eat, i share whatever it is i'm eating, or i have a can of baby snacks by my side. it never fails, even if he JUST ate, he's grabbing at my plate.
i really want to get a soundproof bedroom when we move with just the baby monitor. i hate noise, except anything my son is doing. whether it be whining, crying, or babbling, of pressing the same damn button on his toy over and over and over and over again, or watching the same episode of his cartoons for the thousandth time, i never mind.
i love the hubbub of trying to get out the door and not forget anything. i have two things i grab, and a million for my son. and about to be even more, twos of everything, in different sizes and shapes, for both my kiddos. after getting the hang of it all, it's kind of what i live for now.
now that Ryder is old enough, i love teaching him things. i love counting things for him, making different sounds, saying small words and showing him what i am saying. i love watching him. that's the reason i never get things done around here. it's because i sit and play and watch him all day long. it isn't because i'm too tired or lazy. he's just so curious and interesting, he's such a distraction, lol. his latest thing is putting items on his head. he will walk around with a bucket on his head, staring at his feet, and run into things, then decide to take it off. he loves to put sunglasses on his head like mommy and daddy, and he steals Mikes cover after work and wears it around the house.  he also enjoys putting small things into big things. mainly shoes. we're always finding little toys in our shoes left by our son. and he tries to put ends of easter eggs back together, though they're usually the same end, but he tries! he points at things rather than slams his whole hand onto it. he always follows us into the bathroom when we go potty so we got the bright idea to teach him to flush the toilet today. he absolutely loves water, of any kind, and he loves running his hands under the faucet stream. he eats mostly all table food now, figuring out what he likes is a challenge but we experiment. he hates the graduates dinners, or anything "baby" i guess, but eats portions of our foods just fine. he now squats to take a poop and we think it's hilarious, he just stands up and walks away when he's done. he knows things he isn't suppose to touch. like mommys phone, laptop, and camera. he will look at it and say "nu uh" because he knows, but tries anyway. and he's learning body parts, just won't say them yet. he has a fascination with my husbands nipples, that are the size of dimes, as well as his bellybutton. he's learning to be more gentle with hair, he likes to run his fingers through it, or even a brush, until he hits you with it too hard and you take it away. he will walk up to you, throw his arms around your neck, and just pick his knees up because he knows you will pick him up that way, we are trying to teach him to say "up" and he likes to sit in your lap when he watches his cartoons. he has taken to carrying around a blankie in the mornings, holding it up to his ear like Linus on Snoopy, but he doesn't have a favorite one, as long as it feels soft. he can say a handful of words, which makes me super proud of him! and there isn't a moment in the day that passes by that i don't feel lucky about being his mom.

i read too much. whether it be on facebook or in a novel i'm reading, about moms. moms that hand their kids off to other people to go out, to party. moms that don't pay enough attention to their children so accident happen, or they don't even notice their child is sick. moms with a night off from their child because of their baby daddy, and goes out, drinks, and posts facebook photos of them drinking, tongues sticking out, a peace sign, or grabbing another girls boob. moms constantly talking about another guy, or something they want, like a car, instead of talking about their kid. moms that never post anything about their child whatsoever. moms that can't wait to put their kid in daycare and not have to "deal with them" everyday, all day. i don't understand it, at all. who are these women?! maybe they just werent ready.

i am a mom. i am a 24/7 mom. when i wake up, eat, sleep, poop, shower, i'm a mom. i don't bother with mommy time because there is nothing better than spending time with my baby. i hate being away from him, there is no fun in that. i love the feeling of being a family. i got married, and don't have to deal with baby daddy drama. Michael and i are a team, and being so, so are our children. i still shed tears of joy at how happy i am to have such an amazing little person in my life, he has saved me. i love that we can be a family and i dont have to send him away for a weekend with his dad. even exhausted or sick, i couldnt ask for a better life. i love every minute of being a mom. bags under my eyes and all. there is no better feeling that looking at my beautiful little boy and awaiting the arrival of his little sister.

knowing that i have done this one thing right in my life, makes my entire life worth living. i can't imagine one single moment without that little boy in my life. he is my life, my everything, my entire world. and i miss him so much, just because he is sleeping in the next room. i can not wait to wake up and see his smiling face, carry him downstairs while he tells me all about his dreams in his little baby babble, put on cartoons and sit with him in my lap as we both eat dry cheerios, him drinking his milk. i am so happy that i get to spend the rest of my life with this little guy, and watch him and help him learn and grow. every time i look at him, i know that i finally, finally, got something right.

i love you Michael Ryder.
i love you Lyvia Jean.
always, always. <3

-ks.

fifty six.

man, am i so over this god forsaken place.
i use to love it out here but this past week has gotten the best of me and i can't wait to start packing up my life into boxes and get the fuck out of this place. being positive doesn't really help in all of this, but i tried for a few days, hasn't worked. but whatever. i keep telling myself just stick to myself for a little while longer and we will be moving back before i know it.

over two weeks ago i tried to rehome our dog Scout on the sites and pet sites out here. him and Indy haven't been getting along, when Mike's mom was he he ran into and knocked Ryder over and made him cry, and no matter how many times we fix the gate, he paws his way out and i really don't feel like chasing after a freakin dog constantly, especially with a toddler that follows me everywhere. i was told that i had to give him back to the ranch we adopted him from. okay, that's fine. so, i contacted them and i went days without hearing back from them. i saw that she posted on her ranch page that she needed a foster for this dog because his "current family wasn't able to handle the responsibility of taking on a puppy." i'm floored. fist, that wasn't the reasoning at all, he's a problem dog for us and it's becoming too much of an issue. i'm sorry but when i have another puppy his same age, after raising and training them the same and he still doesn't get it after months, i no longer really care. i tried doing the right thing by finding him a new home and drama blew up. i tried contacting the ranch and they failed to handle it in a professional manner. she failed to mention she was out of state and couldn't take him back until such and such a time, or that she needed to find a foster for him first. and then slanders me on her facebook page, i didn't really think it was appropriate. then i told her i was going to do it myself and blocked her. my friend, whom this ranch has also done something similar to, messaged me telling me she wrote an even worse post saying i had blocked her and for everyone to check the shelter, that she was worried about the dog and  yadda yadda, making me out to be a bad person. i think that's my biggest peeve. first, it was no ones business why we are rehoming our dog. if the ranch wanted to know, okay. but to post such things on the internet about something you have no idea about? it's just terrible. and here she is suppose to be a professional ranch owner? who doesn't even have the ranch anymore. so people are posting how shitty a person i am for "not giving him back" and how irresponsible, that they were going to come to the house to get the dog, act like theyre interested in adopting him and take him. complete and utter bullshit. i hate when people slander my name when i haven't even done anything! clearly i am able to handle a dog, of any sort. i've had Indy for almost 3 years now and he's doing just fine. we got Mollie as a puppy and she's just fine too! but the fact that i was doing the right thing by finding him a new home, and got drama for it, is beyond ridiculous. and the fact that someone would post such things, when they are suppose to be an adult and not communicating with me properly, is even worse. regardless, Scout is gone. and even in the getting rid of him process, there was drama. i once again posted i was looking for a home for him and some girl whom, if i ever see again, i will knock the hell out, blew up my facebook saying she could get him last night. i told her that today was better because we were busy and had dinner to take care of and a toddler bath/bed time. she continued to write me on facebook, and then her husband called mine. i HATE pushy people, i didn't respond for an hour because i have a life and they clearly do not, and one of her friends blew up the post i posted about Scout. but Mike told them they can come get him, without even telling me or asking me or respecting what i had JUST told him, so that caused a fight and he's lucky he told them he would take the dog to them or i would have had my fists flying. Scout gone, the girl that came and got him passed him off to someone else and apparently they're going to give him to the ranch, and once again, by doing the right thing, my name is slandered in the desert. awesome....  whatever. >.>

i've had an issue with Mike all week. he goes to work to come home and complain he's tired, while i've gotten very little sleep because Ryder is teething and it isn't fun to go through. i hate when he walks through the door to complain he's tired. i've been tired for a year and a half, and i will be tired for the next ohhh, 25 years or so?! and i'm even more exhausted because i stay in the house most days. when i use to have a job, i had so much more energy, even after a 12 hour shift. it's just annoying, complaining makes everything worse on anyone around you. not to mention for some reason, Ryder is still super cranky when his dad gets home, i have no freakin idea why but i'm about to lose my mind. he's NEVER like that during the day, at all. the only time he gets crabby is when it's nap time, that's it! and then Mike gets home and he whines for hours, it makes no sense and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. and Mike hasn't wanted to help much this week, i was feeding Ryder dinner and he was just playing on his phone, he didn't take Ryder upstairs for bath time when it was time, so i did, it's just like, i went through hell and was nice when your mom visited and she leaves and you digress back into a jerk who just sits on the couch when you get home and falls asleep right after your son does? makes me so angry! and still, more complaints about work or whatever else. it's just frustrating because things keep going back to bad, even if for a few days. when i have tried so hard to make so many changes in myself to make a positive, happy, healthy home for my family and he comes in and tarnishes it with his complaints and talking about work. i have had to tell him countless times how little i care about the marine corps and when he gets home, leave it at the door. his lack of communication skills is once again down the drain... it's great for a little while then he falls back. and with Lyvia coming and everything else i'm dealing with, i can't handle it. and he wondered why i blew up at him last night about the stupid dog. because he's not been who he should be all week long! gosh i can only hope next week he gets his head out of his butt. there's too many issues i'm having with him this week and as much as i want to vent about it, i'm a better person than he is now and i would rather not make him out to be the dick that he is.

another thing that pissed me off this week is when i went to the WIC office. seems like everything i did was wrong. especially with breastfeeding. they asked me if i was going to with this one and i told them no. i have absolutely no plans to breastfeed. it isn't for me, i tried it, but this time it isn't worth it to me, all the more props to moms thats do, but i don't think it would be fair on Ryder if i'm sitting on the couch with his sister attached to me instead of playing with him or giving him what he needs. it's too time consuming and i'm constantly chasing my first around. no, i'm not educated on breastfeeding nor do i care to be at all. this is my choice and i really wish people would learn to respect it. after telling her no, she went into a 20 minute conversation about how i should, all the benefits, it will make my child smarter and get sick less often. uhm, really lady? my son is incredibly smart, and he has gotten the flu once from his dad, and a running nose about twice in a year. while you're sitting here telling me i need to nurse my newborn, i have to chase my toddler 3 times. really, i'm suppose to chase my kid with a baby on my tit? not for me, sorry. i said no, leave it alone. i was already irritated because i had to go there alone and chase a kid and got crap for still giving him purees and giving him a bottle still, like i don't know how to raise a child. i hate people like that, i hate moms in general. my kid drinks from anything you hand him, i don't think handing him a bottle every so often is going to affect anything. he eats what he eats, but he EATS, is the most important part. and he eats whole foods as well, so it's not like it's all purees. i still have jars of purees that i have always mixed with cereal, should i waste them? no. lately over half the women that have kids are making me so mad. they need to stop pushing ideas and beliefs onto others, i had this from someone before Ryder too and i refuse to have her on my page because she ALWAYS has something to say. my kid is super smart and always happy, he is now up to his weight requirement after his reflux passed and i did it on my own for 6 months, i'd say i'm doing a damn good job and i will with my daughter as well, without breastfeeding and giving her a bottle until she doesn't want it anymore. i'm already a strict parent and i enforce safety rules for my son because now is the time that he can easily get hurt with things. Mike doesn't get it yet, and i'm hoping he will very soon before my son sticks his dads keys that he isn't suppose to have, into the electrical socket that he pulls the baby proof plug out of every time i put it back in there. it's just one more thing to add to my week of annoyances. when it comes to being a parent, my mom says i am now a pro, and not to toot my own horn but i believe it. i do a damn good job, have an extremely well behaved one year old who is always on his best behavior, well, with his mom at least, and he's extremely smart and happy all the time, well, again, with his mom. haha. how i do things is how i do things, have a problem with it, step out of my life.

i'm sure theres ten thousand more things that annoyed me this week but, it's the weekend, i'll sulk and get over it by tomorrow night and start fresh on Sunday. i laid out the law to Mike and he didn't say anything which is no surprise there, and we're currently ignoring each other while Ryder naps before we go and he gets me more agitated at the commissary.

but again, to every bad week there is always something good that happens, or good moments at least. way to be positive mama! :D
i currently have mason jars of my very first homemade pickles.
i made a crock pot dinner last weekend for the first time.
Monique made some bomb ass cupcakes that i devoured.
Ryders two front teeth are one more day closer to coming through.
he's been snuggling and happy all week during the day, he even sat in my lap on his own and snuggled with my arm while watching cartoons for 10 whole minutes, which is a huge accomplishment for my constantly on the go toddler.
he talk, talk, talks alllll the time now and i love it, and cant ever really make out what he's saying but its adorable nonetheless.
Monique and i were talking about how it's nearly impossible to hate life, or be in a bad mood even for an entire day with a baby around. they're too innocent and cute and precious, you just look at them and it all melts away and she is absolutely true. and you can never stay mad at them, ever. it's something to live for and i'm perfectly content. i have no idea what i would do without that baby boy to keep my sanity! <3

-ks.

fifty five.

i am just so over run with love today.

my mother in law left on Saturday morning and after walking in the house with my boys, locking the door and finally breathing clearly for the first time in a week, i got to spent the most amazing lazy weekend with my boys. complete with pillows and blankets on the floor and rolling around having tickle fights in our underwear. she is back in Indiana and we have our lives back.

honestly, the visit wasn't that bad. she talked, entirely too much, and announced dumb things that i didn't care about. she talked about coffee, while she was making coffee, and announced every time she was going to give herself her MS shot. i was shocked that she had nothing bad to say about my father in law, i know that took a lot from her. she didn't really talk about Mike's old friends and the only mention of Tiffany was talking about how she needs to grow up and get a reality check. but other than that, it really wasn't too bad. she respected me all week and knew her place and stayed on the sidelines when we needed her to be, like Ryders shots. she wasn't really that involved in Ryder, changed a few diapers and carried him a few times but that was all. Mike said she must have just forgotten how to handle a baby but a true mother never forgets those things. i let her and Mike and even Ryder have a little bit of alone time when i slept in a little and went out to lunch with Monique. i didn't hide out in my bedroom and just ignored the things i didn't want to hear. she bought us a crockpot as an extremely late wedding present, the air mattress was only used twice and she left it here for us that i'm sure we will never use, she helped with the dishes and vacuumed when she saw things on the floor. it was nice to have an extra set of hands but she did tend to get in the way of things. she paid for dinner and breakfast the night and morning she left, the goodbye was awkward, but we survived, with no blow ups or stress.

the only thing that made me upset which, wasn't her fault. was how she talked about his grandmas funeral and how drunk he was the night after and how she had his head in his sisters lap and she had to help in the house. for some reason that struck a cord for me, apparently i'm just not over the entire situation. not Mike's part in it so much as Trish was really the reason it all hapened. i should have been able to be there for Mike but she didn't let me be. he should have been leaning on me that week, but instead she kept me from the man i loved when he needed me the most. it obviously doesn't matter now, but it hurt me and i went upstairs and let a few tears fall because of it. Mike came upstairs and we talked about it while in the shower and he really did make things better and calmed me down a bit. i know it's the past, and it's just one more thing that i can not forgive her for. but that isn't my husbands fault. i just didn't think it needed to be talked about but i don't really think she understands what even happened between us that week. another bridge crossed.

as nice as the visit was, i really don't see much changing. i know her and Mike won't talk more, she might ask more about Ryder, and we won't see her again until next year sometime. her and i didn't get closer, but i do hope she respects me more. i was polite when i needed to be and wished her safe travels but the only thing this trip really did for me was open my eyes to what an amazing thing Mike and i have between us. having her in my house knowing she caused a divorce between her and her husband and the reason he wasn't around much was all her doing, i couldn't ever imagine living without my husband and not having him around our children everyday. no matter how much we fight or argue or how many times i think i'd rather be on my own. the thought that he would miss any more of the kids lives than he already does, tears me apart. no one really knows why she divorced Troy, i'm fairly certain there is no valid answer. or why she is STILL trying to get child support from him when Mike is almost 25, married, with two children, and Tiffany just turned 21. i won't ever agree with it. but that makes us a stronger family. we talked about Mike and i's wedding and how she's "talking" to a guy she met on eharmony and might get married again some day, it was just extremely weird. and the way she talked and acted around Colbert made it all worse. her and i don't have much in common and i don't agree with any of her decisions in life, but she respected me and didn't mess up with my child and for that, i have come to realize that i can have her as part of our life. it's done and over with though and i handled it really well, she's gone, time to move on.

all week though, i have looked at my husband differently. it's amazing to see the change in who he use to be and who he is now. i don't think i fully appreciated that until she came to visit. the last time i saw her i wanted no future with Michael because of the way he acted, and he learned his lesson and he was who Ryder and i needed him to be. he was there beside me for Ryders shots and he was there when i got the shakes. he didn't change when his mom came here like he did last time and i fell for him all over again. and i really do hope that his mother is proud of him like i am. i think she saw how much change has been made between the two of us and in us two, she finally understands more than she use to. she can see that we are a healthy, happy, loving family, something she never really got to experience. 

and today, today is such a beautiful day. it's gorgeous outside and i have my time with my handsome little man back. he has given me more lubbins in one day than he has in the last week. after Trish left Mike and i both saw a difference in him and se started to act more like himself and doing his little things that he didn't do during the previous week. he was less whiny and clingy, like he was completely unsure of having her here. Mike was afraid that Ryder would be upset not waking up to his daddy like he has all week but he wasn't at all. nothing changed this week and him and i are back to who we were before leave. having him around keeps me sane, i love him to incredibly much.

this entire week i have come to realize how lucky i am. i have one amazing husband. that isn't as good as he is going to get, but a thousand times better than he use to be. he grew up, became a man, and is exactly who he needs to be. he is happy, and seeing him happy makes the world so much brighter. sometimes i think that maybe he would be happier living his old life, especially when i think about indiana. but i know now that he is exactly where he wants to be. he loves our son more than anything in this entire world and i know he will do the same to our daughter when she is here. he's amazing as a father and i think a good chunk of that reason is because of how his mom raised him and the life he use to live. it's wonderful to see that smile on his face when his son needs him or they're playing. him and i make a really good team, i saw that more this week. wether is be taking turns with diapers, one holding him and the other clothing him, or whatever it may be. i love that i feel like a team instead of the one on one that we had going on a few months ago. we work together instead of pushing and pulling against one another. in between us we have this incredibly smart and adorable little boy that lights up our life. we share something bigger than our pasts together or apart, or any hurt we have ever felt. our days are filled with laughter and giggles and a million i love yous. all because of one tiny little 20 lb baby. and we both know that this beautiful human being is what brought us together in the first place. and we can not wait to share all our love with our beautiful daughter in only a few short months. we honestly have the perfect life, and i know that i will never and can never forget that as long as i am living and breathing every single day. there is no bigger picture in this world than what i have, right now. nothing can compare to the love i have for my little family of four. and i know that as long as we have each other, we will always, always, have everything.

all my life, i have waited for this moment. this moment of completely loving every little part of my life. of not worrying about the future, or regretting parts of the past. i no longer wonder where i should be in life, what career i should have, what path i should follow. i know that i am exactly where i need to be. in this very moment. right here with Michael, Ryder, and Lyvia. i no longer wonder if i am good enough, or pretty enough. i survived such a difficult time in my life, alone, and instead of looking back and complaining, or hating that i had to do it on my own, i fall in love with it over and over again. giving birth and taking care of my son solo while his dad was fighting the worlds war in another country will always be my biggest accomplishment. those six months in itself proved to me that i was something more. it was my biggest battle and i overcame that, completely alone, and i did so beautifully. getting compliments on such a happy, well behaved baby makes me feel better than any other compliment i could receive. people don't see it, but it means more to me than being called pretty, or finishing a college degree, or having an awesome job or a perfect marriage. Ryder is who he is, all because of me. because i did something right for once in my life. it makes not finishing college, or losing one of those jobs, every temper tantrum and bad turn, every hit and bruise, seem like a grain of sand to what i did. it has made me so strong, so tough, i don't think anything or anyone can ever break me. not when i see that little boys smile every morning, hear him say "mama" or "love you" he is the single best thing that i have ever done, the best thing to ever happen to me. and i am so thankful and lucky to have him in my life, to have his love, every single second of every passing day. and i love that i have his wonderful dad by my side to share him with, all the time. <3

-ks

fifty four.

so, my mother in law.
haha, i'm sure people are wondering how the visit is going. i get a lot of messages about it, so, i'll update on that first.
honestly, it isn't nearly as bad as i had thought. she's beyond annoying, i hear the same things over and over and she complains about a lot of things. but being a mom, i learned to tune those things out and ignore them, haha. she's been respectful of my home. she bought her own Keurig cups because she drinks a lot of coffee, she washed the dinner dishes and bottles after i cooked tonight, and when we need an extra set of hands, she does help. it's a lot more relaxed this time because Tiffany isn't here, my husband isn't leaving, and so far, my daughter is still my daughter. i still think 8 days is too long, but it's somewhat nice. i thought it was going to turn out really bad by now. i had told Mike to tell her not to get an air mattress because there was no room and he didn't, so she walked in carrying one and i got extremely mad.  it was so dumb but i cried when she blew it up the second night, i just felt like it was a slap in the face and Mike had ignored what i wanted. but, Monique came to the rescue again and when we were talking about it, she told me that when Steven walked up the first day she got here, he heard Mike telling her we didn't have room for it. she blew it up Saturday night but by the time i woke up she had already deflated it for Ryder's party, and did so again this morning. as much as it bothered me, i got over it quickly when, in the past, i wouldn't have. i did think she was completely inappropriate at parts of Ryder's party because she was talking to Colbert about sex and how her ex husband wasn't good at it. and Colbert and Steven were texting back and forth about it and when Monique and i went for a walk she let me know. i told Mike later and he agreed that she needs to leave his friends alone and he already has to worry about Tiffany, he shouldnt his mom as well. she just doesn't seem to understand that she is Mike's mother, not his friend, and she was trying too hard to fit in. but i guess that's just who she is. other than that it has gone fairly smooth. she seems to know her place more now. like today at the doctors office, she went into the room for Ryders checkup and i didn't mind. she knew i was already upset over the dumb shots, so in the shot room, she just like Mike and i handle it. when we took Ryder swimming for the first time yesterday she let him and i play with Ryder until she took a turn holding him in the water. she bought him a cool dump truck toy and paid for the Aquarium, and takes turns holding him every so often. she hasn't changed him or bathed him at all, but maybe that's just who she is. she's lacking a certain little thing so she just doesn't do it? i guess. haha. it's still awkward, but we're making sure we do our own things and keeping up with our normalties and she's following along.

i can't really tell if she has changed, or if it's just me and my changes. i know i handle things a lot better now. and with her being here, i look at my husband different. other than her first night here, he hasn't acted any different at all. i adore him, so much. seeing him and his mom together makes me realize what a better life Ryder and i have given him. how much better of a life he has now than he use to. i know that she is jealous of what we have, we can both see it. she looks at us with those eyes when we hug or kiss or lay on the couch. and it's kind of a nice feeling. even if she doesn't like me, she seems to respect us as a family now. it's nice to hear her talk to Ryder and call me mommy to him. she's never really acknowledged me as Mike's wife, but she has acknowledged me as Ryder's mommy, and that means a lot. though it sort of feels like it did with Tiffany, how she acts around Mike. she smacked his butt earlier in the kitchen and kind of gave me a funny feeling, but she is his son and i will probably pinch Ryders butt cheeks until he's back in diapers. i don't really think her and i will be closer after this visit but i know that our little family sure will be. it's amazing how one person can invade our home for 8 days, and it isn't even over yet and i see my husband completely different, once again. i see how much he has changed, and i think she does too. everything about him. and she can go back to Indiana and tell everyone what a good man he is, how happy our marriage is, and all about the wonderful little boy we are raising together. she's just trying to find her place in this world with an almost 25 year old, married son with a family of his own, and a 21 year old hell child going nowhere at this point in time. she's empty nested, she's missing the most important thing in her son's life. Monique pointed out that every time i brought out my camera, she grabbed hers as well. or whatever i did to Ryder, she copied. she's just trying to fit in. and she will, as one of his grandmas, but i think she wants to be part of the 4 of us. she still wants more than we're willing to give her. regardless, i have fallen more in love with my little family more this week than i have in a long time. i'm so proud of Mike.

Ryder, loves swimming. we took him to the splash pad on base and open swim at the tank. he had a little life jacket on that made him so chunky, he had so much fun with his dad and by the end was kicking his arms and legs trying to swim. my little water baby, just like Daddy and i thought he would be. today we took him to his 12 month baby checkup. he weighs 19.5 lbs and is 30 inches long. moving up his charts from the last time we saw the doctor. no more weight problems but still a skinny butt. Mommy didn't like the shots, i cried, it was terrible. but i like when Mike is there, i don't have to be brave all the time. it's nice to have a team mate to help with things like that. i held my baby afterwards and he just laid against me. but was perfectly fine when we got home like it never even happened. he's always a little trooper. he clung to Daddy today and played like a big boy and went to bed without a fuss. here i was listening to people and thinking today was going to be horrible and it was just fine.

tonight though, Mike was actually there for me. he really hasn't been when i needed him to be for multiple reasons. every time i get sick he isn't here, or is asleep like when we all had the flu. but tonight was really nice. i walked upstairs and all of a sudden felt really sick, like i was going to vomit. my heart was racing and i just waited for it but nothing happened. i went to get ready for bed and i started shaking uncontrollably. i got the chills, my teeth were chattering, everything. i was trying to breathe and calm down when mike comes upstairs and asks whats wrong. i told him, he saw me shaking and he plopped me in the tub and opened the toilet, just in case. he ran warm water and took my sponge and started spreading the water over my body and breathing with me so i would stay calm. he rubbed my back and my belly and told me i was alright, that this would pass. and, it did. but it was nice him staying in there with me keeping me calm. i was really scared. it happened so suddenly and at random. i laid in bed with him and he entangles his feet with mine so when i got out of bed it would wake him up and he could be there for me. it was really nice. Mike and i rarely have moments like that with each other. other than my mom, no one has ever taken care of me, at all. so it makes me feel better about labor and the recovery. he really is wonderful, and i'm glad he helped me through tonight. i told him if it happened again, we would call labor and delivery. Lyvia is moving around just fine, so i shouldn't worry much. i just need some rest. he thought it was an anxiety attack at first but then we decided it was just something i ate that didn't digest well and couldn't decide what it wanted to do in my stomach. so far, i'm perfectly fine now, i just need some sleep.

so, there you have it. this past week i have learned a lot about my little family and started to appreciate my husband more. i am so lucky to have him as mine. even thought sometimes he messes up, i know he helps out a lot more than most dads. we are lucky enough to give Ryder two happy parents that love him so much, clothes for his body, and toys to play with, a roof over his head and food in his belly. i know not a lot of people have that. especially the being an amazing husband and dad part. and i am glad that i can show his mom how happy he is and what a great man he has become. and show her what a family is, since she never really had one for her children. we have shown her how much we have both changed, and i hope she learns something from this too. and i'm glad it's not nearly as stressful as last time. but we all agree that it was Tiffany that made things tough.

tonight with my little man asleep in the next room, my husband curled up beside me, the love of my own mother, and my daughter in my belly, my life is complete. as it should be, every single day. and it will be next November, when i finally have my mommy back. i see things a lot differently with my mom this week as well, and wish she was here. i can not wait to see her again. :)

off to snuggle with my amazing husband. <3  goodnight.

-ks

fifty three.

my beautiful little boy.
today, you turned one year old. i got to fall asleep with you last night, shed tears on your head like i have done from time to time over the last year when i needed you the most. when you woke up i walked into your room and sang you happy birthday. i got to watch you walk around the house, chase balloons, be silly, smash a cake with your hand, and your foot, and mommy helped you blow out your first candle. my big little birthday boy. today, was amazing. but i never stopped to tell you, how amazing this last year has been.
when i found out that you were a boy instead of a girl, i had no idea what to do. i didn't know how to raise a son! little did i know, taking care of and loving you, was the easiest thing i have ever done. the moment you were placed in my arms i knew i had finally, finally, gotten something right in my life. you were perfect, all seven pounds and seven ounces of you. people that say they don't believe in love at first sight, has never had their own newborn lain across their chest. in that moment, you were mine. and i, i was yours. i vowed to protect you against everything in this world, and love you as much as i could. i slept with you wrapped in my arms that first night, and every single night until you were six months old. waking up to those beautiful blue eyes every morning, makes the day start out so simply precious.

you have given me hope for the future, my darling son. a light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to, every passing second of the day. i live for your smiles and your laughs, your silly little "dance moves" and quirks you're starting to get. i smile at the scent of your sweet sweaty head after a long nap. i love the way you fall down when you're walking and stand right back up, never letting the world get you down. your spirit, is one of the happiest i have ever seen in all my life. the fact that you are so happy to be alive, warms every particle of my being. you make me want to be a better person, you make me strong, and give me courage to get through anything. after all, you were all i had for the first six months of your life. if it wasn't for you being everything that you are, i would have crashed and burned. instead, i handled myself beautifully. all because i had you by my side. you are perfect, just the way you are.

i go into your room at night and i watch you sleep. that little smile that dances across your lips in your dreams and i wonder what you will be someday. a baseball player? a boy in the band? a Marine like your dad? i dream about these things, all day long. but i also dream of skinned up knees that i can kiss and make all better, the first time you learn to swim, or dress yourself, and tie your shoes. even though, those moments will break my heart because you won't need that part of mommy anymore i know that you can look back and understand that mommy will always be there if you need her. that, no matter who you become, i will always, always love you more than you can even imagine.

this past year has been filled with up all nighters, a few thousand diaper changes, learning to roll over, crawl, then walk. we have had bumps and bruises, baby and mommy meltdowns, together, or not. we have had tickle fights and food fights, fun at bath times and bed times. we have played at the park, gone to a concert, swimming in the pool, and dancing in the rain. bedtime stories, umpteen loads of laundry, and more road trips than we can count. but every smile, giggle, and babble of yours has made every difficult time more than worth every struggle. i love you, i love you so much.

i can not thank you enough for saving my life, Michael Ryder. for showing me how beautiful the world was, how innocent life was, and how strong and true love was. every piece of you and i will always fit together. you're my best friend, my strength and courage. you have changed my entire life. people say that when you have a baby, your life ends. and i strongly disagree. the moment i was handed you, my son, my entire life began. every little thing changed, and it has all been changed for the better. all because of a tiny blonde hair, blue eyed, little boy. that blows raspberries and toots in his sleep. <3 thank you, for everything.

My son is now, a year old. He walks completely, all the time. if he stumbles, he catches himself and stands back up. he has his two bottom teeth and is about to pop through his top two. he wears 12 month clothing, and weighs about 20 pounds. no more weight issues! he can drink out of a straw and has an obsession with soda cans, he loves pickles and well, basically anything you give him. he can give high five and wave bye bye when he wants to, which is usually when he is walking away from you, carrying something he stole from you. he likes when mommy blow dries her hair, he stands and watches her. no matter where he is downstairs, if he hears Mickey's hot dog song, he walks to the television and dances. he loves to dance. which is basically, side to side. he "sings" in the car. he can say mama, dada, baby, ryder, hi, ackie, and bye bye. most of them are completely audible. he squats to poop, and grunts. he loves bath time and reading his book in the tub like mommy, and he loves his toys. he likes the blocks that have things inside of them, and balls he can carry. he loves Mollie and plays with her and gives her loves. his lovins, are the best. he will wrap his arms around you and give you a big ole kiss, and when he's tired he lays his head on your leg and goes "Aww" he sleeps through the night, usually 9PM to 8AM. no more night terrors.  he is completely and utterly random and learns some weird new thing every single day. it's amazing and hilarious to watch him, there never is a dull moment. he knows where things go and he usually puts them there, or you will see something completely random in a totally random spot. he makes you smile, all the time. he loves life, every single bit of it. he sits backwards in the carts while shopping and usually throws things out of the cart as you're walking. he loves his dad and being chased around the house, he loves swinging at the park. he still sleeps with his butt in the air, and he drools when sleeping while riding in the car. he loves his stuffed animals and are constantly giving them kisses. he scares easily, and jumps when he gets scared, but he never cries. he has so much trust in everyone that i would hate to see him ever. ever lose it. his shoe size matches his diaper size. he loves jack and the neverland pirates but nothing beats baby einstein videos. he also steals my phone about half a million times a day. he's perfect, and beautiful.
and he's all mine.

i'll love you forever.
i'll like you for always.
as long as i'm living.
my baby you'll be.

Mommy loves you more than anything in this world baby boy. nothing can ever change my love for you. Happy First Birthday. <3

-ks