sixty six.

so many times in my life.
i have said to myself "sometimes, the rest of your life, starts with goodbye."
i said that, the last time i stood on the grass in Indiana of my childhood home clinging to my mama, the car loaded down and my new husband in the front seat.
i never imagined having the tell myself the same thing 2,200 miles away.

however i can say that, sitting here in the house i have tried so hard to make a home, and know to the absolute that i did not fail at my marriage. the hand i was dealt, failed me, my marriage, failed me. but i did not fail it. i was the wife that did everything she possibly could until she could not give anymore. that has tried every possible option before finally needing to pack up and choose a different path. i have given up everything to make this work, put my life, hopes, wants, and dreams, on hold so that i could stay here and try, try, try.
and now it's time to say goodbye.

After staying up and talking to Lindsay and Darien after Mike was passed out drunk on the couch, i decided that i could not be around Mike while he nursed his hangover. as soon as Ryder woke up i got us both dressed and ready as quietly as i could and as i was about to walk out the door, Mike woke up. i just left. i took his cell phone because i felt he didn't need to be texting people about how his bitch wife walked out on him on his 25th birthday, or me waiting for him to text or call to make sure we're okay and where we are, waiting for something that won't come. i drove down to Palm Desert and Ryder and i went book hunting, to lunch, and shopping. going through all of that made me realize how much our marriage is affecting my son. every time we all go to the mall together, Ryder wants to be carried by his dad, he throws fits, he whines and fusses, he screams when you try to put him back in the car seat, he's impatient. but yesterday he was completely calm the entire trip. he sat in his stroller with no fuss, he just played with his shoes that he kept taking off. when i was eating lunch he sat there waiting for me to share. i took him in and out of his car seat and he didn't throw a fit about it. he didn't get impatient while i shopped. it was a calm and unstressful time. we ran out of things to do so we headed home, and got home around 2. i had already decided i was not going to discuss the previous night or this morning with him, that i was too tired to fight for something that was no longer worth it and speak words that never mattered in the first place.
when i walked through the door the entire house smelled like literal shit. after i had been on my hands and knees the previous day bleaching the door. Mike was just sitting on the couch with his laptop. Ryder went to play in his play corner and Mike just sat there. i didn't say anything. neither did he. i told him he needed to take care of that smell, and now, because i wasn't about to try to stomach it, and he did. he told me indy crapped in his cage and it was watery, so it smelled worse. meaning, he left indy in his kennel too long and neglected to give him proper food and water, so he had diarrhea. the whole night went on like this. he cooked us dinner and i said thank you and i left to go talk to Monique about something. when Ryder went to bed he asked if i wanted to shower with him and i told him no. we watched part of the Olympic trials and i said i was going to bed. there was nothing exchanged between us then, no goodnight, no i love you, nothing at all.

i fell asleep fine. i didn't cry or lose sleep over a broken heart. i didnt have bad dreams or wake up with tears stinging my eyes. Mike is on duty today, i knew he was going to be gone for 24 hours and i was looking forward to it. i woke up when i heard his alarm go off downstairs and i waited until he left to see if he would say goodbye or not. he walked upstairs for his shave gel and razor and took it downstairs to get ready. he walked in and out without a word at all. i heard the door click lock. and that's when i knew. there was nothing left to save.

i texted him shortly after that and i told him he didn't say goodbye. he told he did when he grabbed his shave stuff. i told him i was awake and i wasnt stupid, that he was lying. he told me he was still mad about having to sleep on the couch to say it. that was strike one. so we got into it a little and he told me that he would have apologized for drinking too much but i took his phone, left a stupid note, and walked out so he said fuck it.  that was strike two. then a few texts later he asked me what he even did that was so wrong, he drank, did a few chores and went to bed. there you have it ladies and gentleman, strike three.
he is, once again, trying to turn his screw up around on me and make it my fault. put the blame on me. but what it boils down to, like it always does. had he been responsible, thought before he acted and hadnt done said thing, none of this would have happened!!! and thats what i told him, before i told him there was no point in talking, that i was done and moving home and i was just wasting my time. i sat back and was baffled at the fact that he once again screwed up and refused to take responsibility for it, refused to acknowledge his fault, and tried to blame me, of all people, for him not doing this or that. i'm shocked he hasn't blamed me for driving him to drink. :rolls eyes:
i can't believe him. but i have been thinking sooo much about all this and this has been happening since the very beginning. he has always blamed someone else. lets flashback shall we?

when i would complain that we had no alone time together, he said that wasn't his fault, his friends kept coming around, even "after he told them not to" which, was a lie in the first place, he never said anything to them.
when our pictures were ruined before boot camp because he was too busy skating with his friends and the ones we rode with didn't want to leave. yet, i'm sure if he told them we had plans later that would have been fine.
he said he tried to call me during boot camp but the "call didn't go through"
when he came to indiana and broke up with me, yeah that was everyone elses fault. he didn't call me because they got him drunk, someone had his phone, he couldnt see me because they "wouldnt let him" no one would bring him to see me, yet i had a truck.
when we broke up, it was everyone and their mothers fault, not his at all.
before we left to come here he couldnt get things done because so and so and such and such were over, he disrespected me  the night before we left because he asked people to leave and they wouldn't. we almost missed saying goodbye to my mom because he slept in too late due to the drinking the night before because of "everyone else" had my mom not called off work, it would have been a rushed goodbye, and i didnt deserve that.
when he was sexting Sable he was doing it to "protect Chris" and prove she was a slut.
when he wasnt there for me when i was having contractions and found out my son was a boy instead of my daughter, he didn't give me that attention because his family was there.
him looking at porn on his phone was because everyone at the shop was doing it.
them not liking him anymore is also my fault because i "ran my mouth"
now THIS is my fault. very single time he screws up and hurts me and tries to destroy me, it's never his fault at all.
and now, he just texted me blaming me for us having $2 in our bank account, yet he just spent $23 at fucking taco bell because he buys for everyone else, and this isn't the first time.

oh gosh, how i laugh at this sad, sad, sad situation.

i get called a bad wife because i "trash talk" my husband. but if my husband wasn't such a douche 90% of the time i wouldn't have to speak the truth on my blog. and honestly, being called a bad wife after all i have put up with, and dealt with, and how long i have stood by his side as i have, it doesnt bug me. maybe i AM a bad wife because i'm not planning on sticking around to let him hurt me anymore. the way i see it, is since the beginning, i really have tried every option possible. when he has hurt me i use to cry, with no comfort. then i started being a bitch, which made him more mad. then i tried to talk calmly and work it out, with no response from his end. i have tried staying calm, getting worked up, i have walked out with my son and stayed in a hotel, i have locked him out of the house and made him stay elsewhere. and now yesterday i came home and ignored the situation. they all have the same result.
nothing.
i have sat and cried in front of my husband. over a fight we had, telling him how he has hurt me, i have sat on the toilet lid with him in front bawling my eyes out at how homesick i was. i've cried over stupid things, and not once has he ever wiped my tears away. he has comforted me one time, the night of the ball, when i had a terrible breakdown, and i thought it was the start of a good thing, but it never happened again after that. i have talked calmly about a situation, trying to solve things, resolve things, ask him why he did this or that and he just stares at me and doesn't ever talk back. i kick him out to get my space because with him sitting there, not talking, just staring at me, my blood boils and i'll be damned if i ever get back to that "billy place" and lose my temper and hit him like i feel in my bones. i leave for the same reason. those just make him mad. i send him to the couch because i can not stand to sleep next to a man that just hurt me, made me cry, and left me to fix it myself. i give him a chance to say he's sorry, like yesterday. i came home and didn't mention it, but he's pissed about me taking his phone and having to sleep on the couch.

with a newborn that is going to be here in 31 days or less and chasing a toddler, i'm too exhausted to play games like this. i am a parent, but i am not Mikes parent. he has let me down far too much for me to continue to try to fix things, make it work, mend my own broken heart after he steps on it, try to tell myself it will be okay. i don't have to tell myself that anymore, because i KNOW it will be okay. i know i can pack up boxes of the kids and i's things and get into that van and have my father drive away knowing that i have done everything i could. knowing that of course, i am not perfect, but i have given ten thousand times more than my husband has. that i have admitted my flaws and faults and if i mess up, i can openly say that i am sorry. i can take pride in the fact that i gave it one more chance, even if i did so four or five times, instead of the one that he deserved. i can look back and know that, right before moving out here i wasn't sure this would even work, telling myself that something felt wrong and maybe this was a mistake, but i left anyway and gave it my best shot. that i have sat and listened to all his whining, complaining, excuses, and bullshit. that i was a faithful wife throughout our entire relationship and have stood beside him through the toughest of times. i know that there is no one else out there for me but Michael. he will always have my heart. i will always love him and there is no one that can replace him. but, we're not working out. after all we have been through i am just too tired. i have no answers for any of my questions, i am blinded and lonely and it's just, time to go home.

my mom wants me to wait longer, until october or november to come home. give me time to heal, give Mike time with a newborn, give us time to pack our things. and i know she's only saying this so that i will change my mind and stay in my marriage and try harder to keep my marriage together. today, and over the next month or two, i will have the strength to walk away. i am positive, my head is in the right spot, i have thought long and hard about every single possible options and angle and plan and everything. i have not been broken, i am not depressed. i do not want to slip back into my old habits and want to cut. i know that i am doing what is best for both of my children and for myself. i have no regret, i feel no guilt, i do not sit and wonder where i went wrong to deserve this, i know that i haven't done anything to deserve this. i do not look down on myself, i can still function properly instead of lay in bed, knowing i have children to take care of. i don't want to get to that point and i think the longer i wait, the more i will start to slip back into depression and feel these things. that, is the number one most terrible things for the three of us right now. i told my mom, that was fine. if she wasn't going to come get me before then, then one night i'm going to pack what can fit in the back of the Durango, wake my children up, put them in their car seats, and just start driving away. and that isn't the smartest thing to do either. we talked about all things. she, stayed with my dad for her children. she doesn't seem to think that messed us up, but it did me. i don't really know my father. there are no photos together, no memories really. i respect the man yes, but that's about all i have. i know that he and my mom weren't happy. we use to hear them fight all the time, i remember him throwing a box fan at my mom while kelly, kevin, and i sat in the back bedroom listening to every word they said. i know he let her down a lot, he walked out on her a lot, and he wasn't around for any of us. her choice was to stay and she's pushing that choice onto me. i know where she is coming from, but i know i have to make my own choice. if we still lived in Indiana, things would be different. and i know that i would end up staying to keep my family together. but being out here with nothing and no one, i have to make a different choice right now.

i asked Michael what choice he was giving me other than to leave this marriage. two hours passed with no response to that text. i asked him, if he had an answer to me. and he responded talking about our bank account. then finally said "no, i dont have an answer to your tape recorded question" and as Aleda said, it just sounds like he wants this to be over, for me to walk away. if he can't even give me one reason at all to stay.

when i first started thinking about moving home, it was only going to be temporary. a three month visit where Mike would come get us and bring us back. just a small break from this lifestyle, the stress and struggles, this desert, and spending time with my mom and sharing memories and my kids with her. after talking to Mike about it all, and him once again just staring at me, and him just saying that i'm going to do what i'm going to do, i decided it needs to be more. and now, i am looking into divorce. i didn't want to come to that. i don't want to be 23 with two kids and divorced. i don't want to be that dumb woman that divorces a man and falls back in love with him. but i know that if i move home i will still be hurt if i am his wife. my mind will play games with me, i won't know what he's doing back out here, i would get hurt over things he did and i didn't like. and that isn't really what i want either. i still have decided but, that's what it's looking like for me...

life is hard. marriage is by far the hardest thing i have ever been through, and i use to fight for my life on the daily. everyone keeps telling me that theyre sorry this is happening and i'm going through this, how hard it must be, to be pregnant and have a toddler and have to think about divorce and moving home to do it alone. and i want anyone reading this to never, ever, ever feel sorry for me. all of this hurts, it hurts like hell.i can't imagine my life without my husband but it seems i don't have much choice. but i know that there are bigger things in this world that could destroy me than a broken marriage. every morning i still wake up with a smile on my face, i have laughter during the day. i have my little boy and little girl to think of. the world is not ending, just a chapter of the book that is my life. i have so much happiness surrounding me, i have a lot of support and it means the world to me. and i know, that i am not alone. i may not know if i am doing the right thing. i don't know that i won't look back in 3 years and regret it. maybe Mike will eventually move on and remarry, maybe have more kids of his own. thinking about that brings the bile from my gut into my throat, but those are things i think about. maybe he will be the man that got away. my right now, my tears say otherwise. my kids deserve a happy mom, a mom that stood up for herself. Lyvia deserves to see that a man treating her this way is not right.i know my life isn't over, i love life. i am so happy to be able to BREATHE to get through this situation. that i have so much to smile about, especially with this goofy little boy, and the excitement of Lyvi about to be here. the pride i have in myself for all that i have done in life, and still be able to live with my head held high and keep my faith in myself, and life itself.
life isn't ending, it's just beginning. <3

-ks.

sixty five.

i shouldn't.

have to constantly go through things like this. i shouldn't cry myself to sleep over someone else, or be in such a mood that i can not take care of my child properly. i have been through so much in my life, gone through many, many, many boughts of depression, fought my own battles and won, every single time. to constantly keep living through it. i have to do what's best for my son and daughter. and it's about time i walk away.

most people that read my blogs have been reading for years. and know that i have been battling to stay in my marriage since, well. it began. i think in the beginning i just had blinders on and overlooked a lot that i shouldn't have. and it has landed me in this spot i am sitting in right now. sometimes i look at the current sad, pathetic situation and tell myself i am completely over reacting. i'm sure a lot of you think i'm bipolar. one day i hate my life, my husband, and want a divorce. the next he's the greatest man to live. and maybe, in part, a lot of me is torn between the two. but the bad outweighs the good, every time. the "good days" i just try to overlook what he did in the past, or recently, that hurt me. and i try to move past it. until something else bad happens and i am forced to be sucked back into what all he has done to me, and it's really hard to let go. lately, he has been slacking in every single way possible. especially with my son. if he was a good, helpful, responsible dad 90% of the time i think i could overlook a lot more. him being a dad to our children is so much more important to me than him being a good, loving, affectionate husband to me. but when you fail constantly at the one thing that really is important, i have to sit here and rethink everything and wonder what i need to do next.

earlier this week i took a nap and helped a friend with a car situation to come home to my son with a completely full diaper. so full that he peed all over me because there was no room for the pee to go. i left him in his fathers care for a few hours and that was the outcome. today, i had to ask him to change his son multiple times before he would do it, resulting in a diaper rash, in which i heard my child screaming upstairs before his bath from being wiped. now, i am fully capable of taking care of my child alone, changing diapers when my husband is home. though i do need to relax also. but i should not have to always take responsibility in doing so. we are a family and suppose to be a team, it goes both ways. it really makes me angry the way he has been handling things, i have constantly asked him if there is something he is mentally going through that is bothering him and causing him to act this way and he says no. so, i am at a complete loss. Ryder and Lyvia were both planned babies. Lyvi was even more so, it was completely HIS decision. i was on birth control until he thought really really hard about the situation and what he wanted. and even before i stopped my birth control, i gave him a few extra days to change his mind, just to make sure, so we didn't have a difficult struggle like we did when i was pregnant with Ryder. when he didn't seem to want to be involved, he was completely disassociated with the pregnancy and preparing for baby. then, i understood. he was leaving. it was hard to handle for him, to get excited for a baby he wouldn't even know until he was six months old. he had reason then, but now. now he is the exact same for no reason at all. so i look back and take last time, as an excuse. and it hurts me, a lot. lately, he has been a play mate to my child, not a dad. forgetting to feed him anything but snacks, failing to change his diaper when he needs it, having to be told things multiple times before it clicks. instead of thinking what the kids need, he talks about motorcycles and pocket knives. he is being completely irresponsible with everything and i can not take it anymore.

tonight, was it.

i was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor with bleach this morning, after waking up at 6 o clock. i usually sleep in on weekends but sleep rarely comes these days. we were working on sorting through things, organizing, cleaning up, while Ryder took a nap. as soon as Ry woke up we needed to go grocery shopping. while Mike pushed one cart, and i the other, i loaded the carts, emptied them onto the belt, loaded them into the car, and when we got home, put them all away with a toddler getting into everything. everyday normal life, but at 34 weeks pregnant, it gets exhausting. i really needed a bath and a nap and asked Mike if he was going to be okay handling Ryder for a little while. he said i was fine. i took a nice long hot bath and went downstairs and Ryder had not been fed his dinner yet. i fed him and we played for a little bit. at 8 o clock my eyes were drooping. i told Mike i was going to take a 45 minute nap and to wake me up to say goodnight to my baby and i would wake up and we would finish downstairs since it's difficult with Ryder running around. i don't know why i didn't set an alarm, it seems like every time i ask Mike to wake me up, he never does and it bugs the crap out of me. 

i hear Mike come up the stairs and start to get into bed and look at my phone. it's 11 o clock. i asked him why he didn't wake me up, that i would have helped him clean. and he said he just wanted to let me sleep. he crawled into bed wearing his shirt and briefs, he never wears a shirt to bed. so i poked fun at him and he took it off. he laid down next to me and snuggled up and put his fingers through my hair. his nose sounded a little stuffed up, so i asked him if he felt alright. he looked at me, and then i smelled it. he told me he think he had drank too much. i look down at him and i tell him no, no he wasn't that irresponsible and dumb, he wouldn't do that. then he told me that my raspberry vodka that has been sitting in the freezer for 9 months, after me drinking a little bit of it right after Mike got home, was disgusting, but he drank it anyway.

now, i hate alcohol. Mikes dad was an alcoholic and i have heard stories of a six year old Mike pouring liquor down the drain. i was not raised around alcohol, my mom and dad drink fuzzy navals maybe once a year, if that. i made it a rule in my house after my son was born that there was to be nothing harder than beer in my house, ever. from here until the day each and every one of them moved out. i dealt with alcohol with Billy. it just isn't something i condone. i don't believe in drinking, at all. what does it do? it makes you fuzzy, maybe calms you down and makes you forget. but in the morning, the problems are always there and you feel like crap. Mike had some Jack in the freezer from a year ago that i let him finish when his mom was here. i didn't even stop to think about my bottle of vodka that would take me 2 or more years to finish. i don't agree with getting drunk whatsoever when you have a child in the house. anything is likely to happen and you need to be responsible enough to handle the situation. your child comes first, always. and what happens when you are in no shape to handle a situation?? i don't care who does and doesn't agree, i don't care if Mike understands or not but i know my decision is my own and it needs to be followed.

i tried calling my mom right there to calm me down but she was already asleep. i went downstairs, thinking this was a joke. as i walked down the stairs i noticed that he had done nothing to the house in the 2 hours before Ryders bedtime and the time he came up to bed like we had planned. i guess i could understand if he drank while cleaning and let me sleep to have a break but that wasn't the case. i opened the freezer and sure enough, there was a good amount of vodka out of the bottle, and his beers that i bought him for his birthday weekend were gone. immediately, i broke down. i slid to the floor with the bottle as tears streamed down my face before i pulled myself up and dumped it down the drain. the same drink, the same kind of drain, that i did with Billy in July 2009, the night he choked me, threw me out of my apartment in tattered clothes, bruises, before i sent him to jail. as i watched the clear liquid swirl down the drain, i got a little bit stronger.

i made him get out of my bed and sleep on the couch.

and that's when i decided that i have finally had enough. it wasn't just the getting drunk. it was also the fact that, i could possibly go into labor at any time, he would not be able to be there for me. if something had happened to Ryder and i had to take him to the emergency room, Mike still passed out on the couch, and handle it on my own. that no matter what could have possibly happened, even though nothing did, that Mike would not be present for any of it. i heard him stumbling down the stairs when i told him to get out of my bed, i heard how hard he was sleeping when i walked downstairs for a glass of water, how out of it he was. i knew the 2 hour gap of unaccounted for time while he was drunk and not doing what needed to be done. i saw the call he made while his wife slept, to another woman, no matter how short the conversation lasted. i knew that he had chosen to get drunk along rather than wake his wife up to watch a movie, or do anything else. and i felt the beats of my heart race, then slow, as i realized the things i already know.

that there is nothing left.

i am done with things falling apart. my entire life, almost nothing has gone right. not one man has ever treated me as i deserve to be treated. it seems like i deal with the same issues over and over again, the same battles, the same lies and hurt, all the time with my husband. moving out here away from my mom, my job, my life, should be more than enough for him to learn to respect me. let alone carrying two of his children and supporting him and being by his side during a Deployment, sticking around when i wanted nothing more than to walk away. i have dealt with "other women" and porn now, twice. once when we moved out here and another a few months ago. i have dealt with him walking all over me, as well as others walking all over me. when he got home from afghanistan he had stopped talking to his friends because i kept bringing up how badly they treat me and how inappropriate they are. but he always makes me feel guilty about it and him not having any friends is entirely my fault. he has never really been there for me to lean on. not while i was having contractions with Ryder when his "family" was here, not when i have ever been sick, not when i have a bad day, nothing. when i am always here for him. i am just thankful that my mom is only a phone call away. and now, i have to harp on him to take care of his child. i don't get a helping hand in anything, we don't really talk at all when he comes home, we don't watch movies together, we're like. two people living in the same house taking care of one baby. and lately i can't look at him the same. now is not the time for this, at all. and now tonight with the alcohol. his birthday is tomorrow, well, really today, and he is turning 25. i didn't mind the six pack but getting drunk, alone, is a little much. you're an adult, not turning 21, or even 22. it's just, terrible. i keep telling myself it will get better, but it won't. i know it won't, it hasn't in 3 years.

i don't understand. and i think that's the worst part because i try to. we're not teenagers, he lived a nice childish irresponsible life before settling down. he was ready to settle down he told me. he wanted that marriage and family. our children were planned, we werent young and dumb and i got knocked up and we were forced to try to make it work like his parents. everything was a choice, by the both of us. yes i wanted a husband and yes i wanted my babies, but i would be completely dumb had i done this without making sure he was 100% sure about it. never did i really imagine him changing his mind down the road. 

when he returned from Deployment, something in me fell apart and i wanted to go home. i wanted a divorce, i didn't want a "family", just my son. i didn't want to give Mike the chance to change or start over like we had talked about. he had been so good during Deployment that i thought it was too good to be true. he assured me everything would work out. while we were trying for Lyvia, i still told him, i didn't want him, i wanted a divorce, to leave. me telling him this, he told me he didn't care, divorce or not, he wanted this baby. at that moment in time, i wanted another child. i knew i didn't want Mike but i didn't want anyone else. i was fully prepared to divorce him, pregnant or not, and be a single mother to one, or two children. i didn't get pregnant thinking it would fix everything, i didn't live in some disillusioned world.i knew what i wanted, and the only thing that was, was a daughter, or another son. i didn't want to focus on the marriage that had nearly fell apart when he left 7 months prior, and a marriage i had been working and striving for until he left. when Ryder was born i stopped wanting to be a wife, and just wanted to focus on being a mother to my son. having everything work out between Mike and i was so far down on the list. i got pregnant and he seemed so excited. honestly, after i saw the two pink lines, i stood in the shower and cried. i was overjoyed that i would now be a mother to two beautiful babies, but i didn't know what that meant for Mike and i. but after that, i saw him starting to step up a little more. especially with being a dad. and i was happy with that. since being a wife wasn't at the top of my list like being a mom was, i was fine with him doing the same. i was really impressed with his love and affection to our son, i loved watching them together, seeing Ryders face light up made all the hurt worth it.

but then he seemed to get bored with being a dad. he stopped waking up in the middle of the night with Ryder, he wouldn't change him without being asked. he would seem distracted when he was playing with him, always have his phone out, not discipline him like he should have. he stopped talking about the future with his wife and kids, and started talking more about people at work, his motorcycle, and things he wanted to do/get for himself. himself... that was what he started thinking about more. i think that's when i realized we werent going to make it work. we want two different things. i only think about my children, and he thinks about himself.

i am fully capable of handling life on my own, taking care of my children and myself. i can take the exhaustion, the hubbubb'd lifestyle, chasing little ones around, even if that mean no "mommy time" and more stress. stress and struggle with my children is absolutely worth it. what i am dealing with, with my husband, isn't so much. if i move back to indiana, i know it will be hard. i wont have much more help, my mom works and i could never ask her to be the "father" to my children and share the workload. these are MY children, mine and mine alone and they are my full responsibility. my mom keeps telling me i should have waited for my daughter but i don't see why. i was in the right mindset from the beginning that if things didn't progress with Mike that i would once again be solo. that there was a chance of my struggling to do it alone, i had no problem with it. easy is a word i will never know, and i have come a very far way in life. i know i can do anything. but apparently, i can't make this marriage work. but i know i have done everything in my power possible to make it all work. i have talked to Mike multiple times that i am unhappy. that i would like to go home for a little while, need a break. how it hurts me that i ONLY have him out here and he can't always be here for me like i need him to be. i have told him that it upsets me that it feels like he doesn't want to spend time with me, than when he does, we usually just have sex, and i have told him. that it makes me feel used. i have expressed my unhappiness out here many, many, many times. told him how stressed and defeated i feel. how nervous i am for my c section, the recovery, everything. i share with him every little thing that i feel. 

and still not one thing changes. 

how can you make yourself go through something like that time, and time, and time again?

i love being a mom. i love going to sleep, no matter how late, knowing i have to get up early, to someone wanting and needing me. i love waking up to hearing Ryder playing in his room or standing at his gate in his doorway babbling, reaching his arms out to me and smiling when he sees me. i love revolving my life around him. i think about who he will be in the future, schools, going to soccer games and chaperoning on field trips. i like the struggle of trying to juggle everything. soon to be three lives. it gives me something to live for and i wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. i will always love Mike. i still think he's my one and only but you can only try for so long to make something work, that is completely one sided. you can only fight each battle for so long until you pack up and walk away and look back and analyze it all, and wonder if it was all worth it. i plan to take the kids and i back to Indiana when my parents visit in the next few months. my mom asked me to really, really think if it's going to be a visit, or if i'm going to move. so that we can rent a uhaul and get the house ready for us. she asked if i was going to file for divorce and honestly, no. i'm not to that point right now. i'm done, but i don't want to be that divorcee remarrying her ex. i have no doubt that with the move, getting out of the marine corps, and starting a new life and chapter, Mike will once again change.  i couldn't tell you if it's for the better or not, but there will be change. but i know i can't sit around California like i have been, waiting to find out. so for right now, it's only temporary. but i think it's finally time i took a new direction, a different path, and see where that leads me.

hand in hand with my two amazing, beautiful, happy children. 

they're worth it, and the three of us deserve it. <3

-ks.

sixty four.

feeeeeeeels good!

ugh, i have come to terms that these next five weeks are going to be tough. between juggling everything that needs done, to hardly sleeping and things being so uncomfortable. to all the emotions i am going through when it comes to knowing it won't just be Ryder and me anymore. but today was mostly a good day, i'm proud of myself.

lately, no matter when i go to sleep i wake up between 4am and 5am. i have been going to bed around 11 and waking up then, not able to fall back to sleep. i was up until 2 the other night with Ryder and woke up at 0430, i was exhausted. naps only help so much. when Mike got home i was seriously in tears from being so tired. this morning was no different so i made the most of it. i read a few chapters in my book, got on Etsy and ordered Lyvia two obnoxiously big hair bows, ordered diapers and wipes online to see if it ends up saving us money in the long run, woke Ryder up early, got him dressed and fed and went to Walmart. i got everything i needed for the kids and i to give birth. i got Lyvia a few small bottles, since i have no idea where all ours went, i got elastic to make a skirt i have in mind, i bought Ryder a shirt that i want to cut out fabric and put "big brother" on for the big day, i bought a water filter for our sink for healthier water for all of us. i got Mike something small for his birthday since he always ends up getting himself things, therefore not giving me the chance to, and i started stocking up our first aid supply. i realized anything other than peroxide, we don't have, no even bandaids, and Ryder can easily fall and go boom, so things are needed! i took out some cash and went to Chase and deposited money into my house saving fund, which always makes me feel good. even if it wasn't a lot, it was something and that made me proud.

when we got home i fed little man some lunch, i paid our t mobile, time warner, and star card bills, i organized our diaper bag. each baby has their own large baggie with things they need with them. diapers, wipes, butt cream, an extra outfit and toy. so that the only thing we will have to grab wherever we go is the bag, them, and their favorite things they need for the car. i also have a first aid bag with tylenol, teething tablets, nail clippers, a brush, and an extra binky, even thought they each have one in their bags. i put the water filter on the faucet and put batteries in the tap lights i got the kids for their rooms, since Ryder won't keep anything in his light sockets and they HAVE to be covered or he sticks things in them. i put everything away and played with my kiddo.

then when Mike got home i sent him to pick up two cute skirts from Bookoo, Maritsa gave us a baby swing, that Ryder shouldn't knock over, since he is in that stage haha, and to Stater Brothers for cranberry juice and cookies, since i think my infection is still lingering. 

i carried a 23lb toddler around, in 100+ heat, being 34 weeks pregnant, and got all this accomplished today. granted i had a melt down after Mike got home because my phone wouldn't charge and i fell asleep at 730, and now my baby is in bed and i miss him, but promised myself i'll play with him lots tomorrow. i woke up drenched in sweat even though the air was on and i was using the same blanket i always do. but, Mike fixed my phone a little, and now i have my cookies and juice. 

grocery shopping this weekend and we will have everything we need until next pay. time to clean, clean, organize and do some more cleaning  before my baby comes! :)

i just hate how everything ends up falling on me, bills are late if i don't remember them, things get forgotten to get or do if i don't do them, i get backed up on laundry or dishes if i don't do them, mike stands around wondering whats for dinner if i don't cook. diapers don't get changed, hence why when i laid down for a nap and went to help Monique yesterday i came home to hold my son and get pissed all over because his dad didn't change his soggy diaper and there was nowhere for his pee to go. it's little things like that, that make me want to go home for a little while. i am so tired of hounding him to take care of his child. if he can't take care of one, how can you take care of two? but i guess it isn't just him, a few of my mommy's in my group's husbands are pretty much the same way. it makes me feel independent though, that i still have it, being this far along, dealing with this heat and a toddler and getting everything ready. in the end, it will be done, whether he helps or not. i'll just like him a little less every night that i go to bed achy and sore. 

i keep telling myself these next few weeks will determine my going to Indiana with my parents or not. i'm really sick of putting up with it. i have no confidence that Mike will be there like i need him to be during all of it, and now i'm worried that my son won't be taken care of while i stay in the hospital with my daughter. i don't see much changing. i don't mind the struggle with the kids, or the lack of sleep, or the mini mommy meltdowns, it's the major surgery part i'm worried about. how Mike won't take Ryder from me and just let him climb all over me, or how he will juggle the two of them if i need to lay down. or even carrying things, lending a hand, i want to rest better than i did last time, to make sure things heal properly, i just don't feel like he can take care of things, or us, or me. he won't be on top of things like i need him to be, and it sucks. part of me knows i won't get back to indiana. for one, all my kids stuff is here, i won't have time to pack after she's here and recovery, it's a long, long drive after a c section, all our doctors are here, and i know if we drive back with mom and dad, then we will be wasting money for him to come get us and bring us back. but it isn't really fair either way. i'm so unhappy here and he is all i have. i already have the baby blues and she isn't even here yet, and he seems to think that PPD is just in my head. it's something that we need to work on as a team, but then again, it's like i don't even want to risk finding out how badly we will fail as this new family. if things are tough now you know? its an added stressor than me nor the kids need. i just have to get into the mind set now, before it all happens, that is best for them. as long as i only think of them, it'll be okay.

at the end of the day i have myself, Ryder, and Lyvia and i have the two of them to keep me going and know that everything is going to be okay.

34 weeks down, only 5 more to go until my Cesarean section.

and i can definitely feel something brewing in there already. can't wait to have both my babies in my arms! eeeeep!

-ks.

sixty three.

:sighs:

such a very long exhausting week in the Nelson household.

i am more than ready to have my baby girl in my arms and start a new chapter in the book. so much is changing, i'm realizing so much.

first, i am realizing how fast my little boy is growing up, it breaks my heart and makes me so proud. we finally painted his bedroom this weekend and seeing his toddler bed and his toys and everything put together made me realize he is no longer a baby. all this week he has learned so many things. he now has 8 teeth, four on top and four on bottom. he now takes my phone and talks into it, rather than smashing it on the floor. he climbs into the window and just watches outside. he has been trying so hard to say "uh oh squettios" because mommy says that all the time whenever she goes potty and he comes in and closes the door, or when he falls or something. it comes out, "uh oh [insert jumbles words here.] and it's beyond adorable. he has been trying so many new foods lately and he loves vegetables! he has added "monkey" to his vocabulary, and he says momma more clearly and sometimes mommy. he did get in big, big, big trouble a few nights ago because he was sticking his hand in his mouth and making himself gag. while Mike was changing his diaper for bed he actually made himself vomit. i was so mad, he knows better than that! it's a dumb phase for a smart little kid to go through and he better have learned his lesson or no more miss nice mommy. but he's super helpful and if you ask him to "throw away" he will run to the garbage can and throw it away and walk back clapping. he also said "garbage" clear as day. he will never cease to amaze me. here, this little 14 month old boy is so incredibly smart and knows so many things. he's also learning some new dance moves and likes to spin in circles. he's so goofy, and laughs all the time. he's wonderful, my entire world. i just hate how fast time is moving, i want him to stay little forever!

Lyvia comes in 39 days... or less. and that scares the poop out of me. but i am ready for the pain to stop and not have a giant belly making things difficult. and energy, it's sad when i think i will have more energy with a 15 month old and a newborn, rather than now with a belly. it shall be interesting! however, i am proud to say that other than some more organizing in her room, everything is ready for her to be here! minus the hospital bag. we have her carseat, the double stroller, the crib is in her room with her bedding, newborn clothes stocked in her drawer, newborn diapers in her diaper stacker, her very own pink bathtub, and a bassinet for mommy and daddys room. not going to lie. thinking of going through a repeat c section, terrifies the hell out of me. i am so much more nervous this time around than with Ryder. i think about everything that can go wrong, what if i never see my kids? thats a major surgery, what if i don't make it? of course that's a little nuts to think that way, but i do. i'm trying not to stress about what's going to happen as well. my mom and dad are driving down a few weeks after she's born, after Mike's PTAD, to give us some time as a new family, plus give me some extra time to heal when he goes back to work. and i hate asking someone that i have more than likely have never hung out with to come to the hospital to watch Ryder in the waiting room at the butt crack of dawn while i'm in surgery, but hate to not have Mike holding my hand again. it's already going to upset me enough having to be away from my son for 2 nights while i'm in the hospital with Lyvi because i don't think Ryder would fall asleep anywhere but his house, which i understand. obviously i want what's best for him, but i will miss him so, so much. but i guess that gives us more time to rest and recover before coming home. i worry about all this hospital stuff but i don't worry about when we come home. i guess that's what's important.

i can't imagine having another baby, honestly. i sit here typing this with a big ole belly and can tell you that haha. it doesn't feel real. people think i'm nuts for having them so close together and i don't see why. maybe for others, but not for us. not for Ryder and i. i raised him well and i know i did, and i am so grateful that i know he too, is ready for this. it makes all this so much easier knowing how well Ryder and i are a team. 

i'm kind of nervous for Mike handling a newborn and a toddler though. lately he seems to be slacking a little in the dad department. he has turned to spoiling Ryder with whatever he wants so when Mike decides to tell him no, Ryder laughs at him and keeps doing it. me, i get the pouty lip, he might try one more time, whine a little, and move on. it's also really frustrating when Mike either doesn't here, or ignores Ryder in the middle of the night. this week i have been falling asleep early trying to feel better to be pulled from sleep a few hours later and comfort my son. yes, it's my job and i have no problem doing so. but what happens when i have to wake up with both kids, at the same time? sure if i kick Mike hard enough he will get up and help but i am so tired of hearing my own voice telling him to do things. i kind of milked it this week to see if he would step up, be boss, get things done around the house while i wasn't feeling well and i saw no change at all. it's moments like those that make me want to go back with my parents to Indiana.

that thought has been being tossed around in my mind a lot the last few weeks. driving back with the kids to Indiana for a little while when they come here and meet Lyvia. there are so many reasons why i need to leave this place for a few months. i know i will have the baby blues. i already do some days and she isn't even here yet. i have suffered depression since i was 16. i had them with Ryder but it was a little easier to handle because Mike wasn't here to make things worse, or upset me, or irritate me. he tells me depression is all in my head and i can't stand it. i really thinks he wants me to be unhappy sometimes. but i need that emotional support from someone through it all and he never lends a hand with that. he isn't really someone i can lean on with emotions or conversation. and it hurts a lot because he's all i have out here. i'm already unhappy because sitting in this house all day really takes its toll. i havent left 29 Palms in almost 2 years. i stare at the same shit everyday. there really isn't many things to do here, besides go to the pool but walking to the car in this heat kills me already. i don't really talk to people, i don't hang out with people. it's hard with a toddler! going out to eat is a hassle, he doesn't stay put, he wants to do things himself. and i'm completely fine with that but a lot of people without kids just don't understand. and people with kids do, but then we're running in opposite directions trying to catch our kids. so i just stay in my house with my son and play all day. i'm sure that gets boring for him too. i just don't like the outside and nothing is close. everything hurts right now so driving even out to Walmart makes me ache and need a nap, let alone going anywhere further than that. and i really, really miss my mom. i'm sure i'm always over my minutes because we talk so much. i need her so much right now and i hate that we're this far apart. being out here like this isn't worth missing her life, being away from her, and having the kids away from her. it's just, really hard. 

being out here i feel like such a waste. i love my kids, and love being a stay at home mom but i think moving out here i had expected so, so much more. maybe getting a job or even taking some sort of class for something. or even a little romance with the man i married where we stay up late on friday nights when the kids are in bed and make out on the couch and ignore a movie. maybe i thought i would make a ton of girlfriends and we would leave the kids with their dads and just go for a walk and make jokes about poopy diapers or the latest thing the kids learned. or maybe even sipping wine and watching some dramatic teen tv show. i thought i would feel more moving out here, but lately i just feel like i don't even exist. every waking moment is take up by someone coming before me. even the damn dogs, it's not a great feeling to have. i feel like i just sit and make babies and raise them and there is nothing else out there for me. i know once we get out of the marine corps things will be different, hopefully better, but right now it's really bringing me down. i think the only thing i do for myself is read and get trapped in other peoples words, i feel good when i finish one, like i actually accomplished something. i'm just so worn out and behind on everything. from online classes to house work, laundry expecially. i can tell myself i'll do this, this day. and when it rolls around i just want to take a nap instead. it isn't just from being pregnant, it's from being unhappy and trying to escape. i nap when Ryder naps, i do what Ryder wants to do, i live and breathe for my son and i know thats something to be proud of, i guess i just want more out of life. 

Mike and i's marriage is back to being rocky, the same old, same old it seems. but i don't come close to letting it bother me as much as it use to. i have learned to ignore him when i need to, or just have him watch Ryder while i go read upstairs. i have turned off my disappointment if things don't go my way with him, but i should have to. :sighs: i can only tell myself it will be okay for so long. 

okay, enough with the sadness, because theres so much to be happy about, and i know this. there always is, even on the most difficult days, i have a good three reasons to smile. no matter what. my chin is always up to somethin. :) i just know i have to do whats best for all of us right now, not just me. of course my babies come first, but they also deserve a happy mommy! and this hump i'm on, or getting to, i know i will get over it when the time is right, i just have to learn to be patient. just soooo ready to be a mommy of two little doodles! gotta get through the next few weeks!!! :)

-ks.

sixty two.

well, it sure has been awhile.

these last few weeks haven't been the greatest, at all. but i'm okay. just, things are different now.

the relationship with Mike is changing. after i kicked him out of the house the week my son was sick for not helping me out at all, me being exhausted and still handling everything, i began to realize how little i can depend on him. it sucks but maybe it isn't such a bad thing. he keeps slipping up and with Lyvia coming, now is not the time to be doing that. but i know now, more than ever, than i need to step up to care for my two babies, and not give a crap about him. i have seriously thought about moving home when my parents come down in August to meet my little girl, and the possibility plays in my mind all the time. i am trying to weigh my options and see what is best for the kids and i right now. it's extremely stressful, but i'll get through it.

last week, i took my son and went to a hotel. he had been feeling much better but with the pregnancy weighing on me, i'm still exhausted. Mike is taking Cpls Course and comes home every day just to complain and it's really taken it's toll on me. i would love to have a day where i am not woken up by my son needing me, or to just wake up, shower, and leave the house in a matter of half an hour. i love my son, but it gets tiring doing the same things every day. i love something different, and i see what Mike is doing, as a nice thing. he gets out of the house every day, he has people to talk to, places to go. while i sit around the house with my son. it isn't his fault, i know. and i know that his routine gets tiring as well. but i can't take the negativity anymore. he's back to how it was before he left, being a debbie downer, and honestly, i can't live with that person anymore. nor so i see how there can be much complaints about life when we have a beautiful healthy little boy running around. i just, really hate whiners. and it turns out, i married a huge one.

okay, anyway. Friday morning he came home early. basically, right when Ryder and i woke up. i can't even remember what i was doing. laundry or napping or shower or something, but Mike took a really cute video of Ryder. when i came downstairs, he showed me and i asked for his phone to put it on Facebook. when i went to his gallery, i saw two downloaded videos of women. busty, blonde things. my heart skipped. Mike was standing in the kitchen, so i turned the volume down and hit play. sure enough, it was pornography, downloaded onto his phone. tears pricked my eyes. seriously?? now, i have always been against porn in any way unless we're watching it together. he always tells me that he can't take it seriously, there isn't a use for it, whatever. but now this is the third time i have found it on his phone since we moved out here not even 2 years ago. i kissed my son and walked upstairs to call my mom so i didn't blow up. i cried. i cried for a few hours. he saw me, while i was on the phone with Steven James. my eyes were red and puffy and he didn't ask why. i was ignoring him and when Ryder went down for a nap he came to hold me. i asked him, to not touch me. when he asked me why, i lost my temper. i asked him, what the fuck that was doing on his phone. i'm 30 weeks pregnant and have been telling him how bad i feel about myself right now. and while innocently searching his phone for a video of my child, i come across two naked girl videos on his phone. you have got to be kidding me. i asked him, what his son would think of him, or what he will tell his daughter if she ever comes crying saying that her boyfriend or husband did that to her and it hurt her. that he is suppose to do things in life that make his kids proud, not think of him as a disgusting pig. why, why, why would that be on your phone?!

so he tells me. that the guys at the shop were all looking at that stuff one day, during working hours, and they told him he wouldn't download it to his phone because "his wife would flip shit" about it. so, to fit in, or because they said he wouldnt, or god knows why else, he downloaded it. i sat there, staring at him. this 25 year old man, who is married, with two children, gave into something as pathetic as peer pressure, to download porn onto his phone? there are what, maybe 4 married men in his platoon?! everyone else is single and gets shit faced all the time, do you think they have morals? no, didn't think so. did he do this to prove to them that he isn't whipped, no. he did it and basically showed them that he did not respect his wife. he threw some names out there and i told him i might as well talk to the other guys wife and see what she thinks about it. though, i never did. i couldn't take it anymore so i picked up Ryder and we stayed in a hotel for the night so i could cool off and think. before i left i asked him if he had anything to say and he told me that he was sorry this hurt me. not he was sorry he downloaded it in the first place, just that he was sorry i was hurt. oh, for fucks sake.

i'm a grown womean. i have been through more in the last few years of my life than most anyone goes through in their entire 80 years. if it was just porn, i could have gotten over it. honestly, with a toddler running around, trying to get my future straight for my kids, getting things ready for my second born to arrive, and dealing with everything else, porn isn't shit. if you want to go look at some raunchy chicks loose vagina that half a million people watch everyday, go for it. just don't touch my beautiful body that carries the worlds most precious gift. i didn't sit and sulk asking myself what this chick had that i didn't that my husband chose to disrespect me so he could see her body. that's easy, she doesn't have Ryder or Lyvia, or a beautiful scar because of them. it's the simple fact that he did this stupid act because of other people. that he didn't have the balls to sit there and tell them that they were dumb, get back to work, walk away, tell them he respected his wife, about anything else he could have said or done. had he sat there and told me it was something stupid he did at work, he screwed up, delete it, whatever. i would have been over it by that night. i'm so sick of being married to a man with no balls, never stands up for anything, it's just.. terrible. how can i rely on him to stand up for whats right when the kids actually understand anything?! it makes me sad for them.

i have no idea what he is going through right now, and personally, i don't care. i don't need him to act like this. more than once i have gone downstairs from doing something upstairs, and my child has a shitty diaper, and has a diaper rash. which means he has been sitting in his poop for way too long. that Mike can't even remember to change a diaper. that he doesn't hear Ryder in the middle of the night, or gets careless over something dealing with my child. this does not give me confidence for when i am in the hospital with my daughter, that my son will be properly taken care of and his routine followed. i know Mike would never let anything bad happen to my son but that doesn't ease my mind at all anymore. he's a good dad but has been slacking, during a time i need him to pick up the pieces because i am far too exhausted to. i can only hope things change when Lyvi is here because i know i will not put up with this carelessness. my son never had a diaper rash until his dad came home, that makes me sad in itself. i just know now that things need to change, and fast. i can't put up with this much longer....

out here, it's really hard. i don't really have anyone to talk to, i get scared to hang out with new people because i've run into so many bad people. i have been so down lately that i don't want to go anywhere, but i hate being in the house. and i can't really stand having Mike home because we don't talk unless it's something dealing with Ryder. he doesn't understand that he is all i have out here. that i sit in a house with a babbling toddler all day. and as much as i love being home with my son, i miss actual conversation. he took the truck most of the week last week and it drove me nuts. i'm going so stir crazy here. and the fact that he's all i have and he's hurting me and making me upset, it isn't fair. i know if i was back in indiana things would be different because i have places to go, people to talk to, i can run to my moms house during a fight, i have people and things to make me feel good about myself.  but lately it's like, i gave up everything, my mom especially, for this? i love my son, i know that i am lucky to be able to be a stay at home mom for the time being. i am so excited to have my daughter here with us, but their babies. i have never been so proud of myself as i have been lately because of Ryder and Lyvia, but it isn't all the same things. i need more. and i'm not sure i can wait another year and a half to get it.

Friday i finally hung out with Monique. she's been doing her own thing and going through things too and as much as we might hang out a few days a week then go weeks without really talking, i really enjoy her friendship. i really like that she sees a difference in me. when i didn't show up at D's bbq, and she was there and Mike told them all i kicked him out, Steven wanted her to text me to make sure i was alright. she was telling me this story and told him that she knew she didn't need to. that she knew i was fine. and honestly, i was. i am perfectly fine being away from my husband for a night or two. the night i asked him to leave when Ryder was sick and the following when he had duty, were two of the least stressful nights i have had in a long time. when we fight, i dont have time to sit and cry and wonder where things went wrong, or what i could do to fix it. i have a child to take care of. i didn't lose any sleep. and i love that about her. how she just knows how i work. better than Mike does, thats for sure. but we got to talking about how her husband wasn't the happiest with Mike's last escapade. which, i secretly love that i'm not the only one thinking that was so messed up. but Steven hated that Mike was throwing out names like he was blaming everyone else when it was no one elses fault but his own. Mo told me that no one at the shop even really likes Mike because of the complaining he does, and now this crap. which, doesn't make me proud. who wants to be the wife that no one likes her husband? but i kind of understand. and now i no longer feel bad about his old friends, because Mike did this all to himself. but her and i just talked and enjoyed a few hours out of the house. i have to admit i was a little worried we were slipping in our friendship from the last few weeks, so it was nice to be reassured!!

anyway, Mike came home later and asked where we went because i park the truck differently. i said Monique and i went to Walmart and Home Depot for a little while. he scoffed and told me he was shocked she still wanted to hang out with me. i looked at him like he was nuts. then he told me that the guys at the shop saw him that day, since he has been in that class he hasn't been at the shop, and i guess they told him to go fuck himself. apparently they heard about the porn deal and his "excuse" he looked at me, and told me i need to keep my mouth shut. i looked at him, stunned. i long ago stopped posting to my facebook my husband and i's issues. i don't degrade him in my blogs that i barely write. and even if i did, how is ANY of this my fault at all? he told me i must have said something because of what the guys said. i told him, i talked to Mo. she's my closest friend, of course i'm going to talk to her about it, ya know? i had threatened to go to his command and tell them what those guys do during working hours, and i said i was going to talk to the other wife about her husband supposedly doing it as well, but i didn't. just Monique. didn't talk about it on the internet, nothing. but yet apparently it was my fault that everyone hates him now, like it was my fault about the porn? how come he can never blame himself when it's only himself doing these things? i don't understand. so i just rolled my eyes. i'm not about to feel sorry for him if no one likes him, that's no ones fault but his own. he should learn to be a man for once and own up to what he's done, seriously. nothing is my fault and i'm not the bitch wife he always makes me out to be, but whatever. i have no idea why he would try to make me feel bad about all of this.

i don't know. i hate complaining about Mike. i must seem bipolar because of these posts, and then a few days later i seem like things are fine. things have been rocky for 3 years, but it wasn't until i had Ryder that i learned to pick my battles and think only for my son. it just hurts, being out here. he never seems to want to spend time with me, he goes to bed right after my baby does, he comes home just to complain about something when i try to be positive about everything. we just... clash as a couple. but then again we really always have. i tell myself that he isn't so bad, just slip ups, major fuck ups, and just when things seem to go smoothly, they fall apart again. i had to ask him why, why it was always me that had to pick up my own pieces? after the porn fight, he didn't say anything else about it. he didn't try to make me feel better about myself or the situation, didn't admit that he was wrong, nothing. in every fight we have, i am left to "fix myself" as i put it. because he never does. every single time he hurts me, i get to bring myself back up from the bottom because he doesn't. i did this with Billy and it isn't fair that i have to do it again. and it's really taken it's toll on me lately, i know i am a much better person than this. so i am at a loss of what i need or even want to do. it just bothers me whenever i bring up a possible separation for a little while he flips out and refuses. of course he does, he isn't the one sitting here being hurt for years on end. and i know now that i have my hormones and attitude in check so i know none of this is me or how i'm handling or dealing with things. i guess only time will tell but i won't deal with all of this once i have two babies under the age of 16 months. i can handle being a single mother just fine, i did with Ryder, i just can not handle him being in the picture and constantly screwing up. honestly, i think  after the first few months of Lyvi being in our lives will tell me what i need to do. because the only ones that really matter are the babies.

nothing has gone right lately. i keep dealing with stupid pointless drama, my life is falling apart and people are trying to lean on me, and i'm surrounded by stupid, lol. my sisters 34 year old friend is trying to start crap on facebook because i deleted her and then recently messaged her to wish her family well. there was so much drama on the subject i ended up having to block her, and she called my sister to inform her about "what her sister is saying"... i can't even recall the last time i spoke with Kelly. then i realized i hadn't talked to my mother in law in a few weeks so i shot her a text telling her that i was hoping she was having a good Wednesday... her response, "why?"... why? why do i hope you're having a good day lady?! i had expected a complaint about tiffany or work, but a why, who says that? not to mention, tiffany goes out and parties and drinks every night and constantly is posting complaints about work and "nigga this, nigga that" statuses. i had to delete her from my page because i couldn't stand seeing it any more, and i have even more decided now that she will never meet my children. that i am perfectly okay with not having these people in my life. then i got made because Mike's dad, who disappears and reappears months later never called to tell his first grandchild happy birthday, or even acknowledge that he turned one, called a month after my sons birthday to shoot the shit about cars, not giving a damn about his grandkids. and then last tuesday he was in ontario and wanted Mike to go ride and see him, when i think it's fucking dumb. if it's important to you, come see US, where we live, take your grandson to the park instead of sitting in some restaurant while my little family eats and stares at you talking on the phone with your wife! but, i didn't even know he was near us until 9 that night after Mike got home late and i made him go to grocery store. kind of made me feel good that Mike didn't see him. why should he? he will also never see my children, they don't ever need to ask where their other grandpa is, and be let down like Mike and tiffany are.

then, i fall down my stairs and kill my back even more, i bawl my eyes out that i'm hysterical and have a welt on my ass. i was talking to my mom at the time and dropped the phone and dove for it and kept talking like it didn't happen. Mike asked if i was okay and i lost it, while my mom had no idea i just busted my ass. it just has not been a very good few weeks!!

however, i am extremely proud of myself.

i have been wanting to paint for over a year. i didn't during Deployment because i wanted to do it together. together is a word we won't ever really know. when Mo and i were out, we bought pink paint for Lyvias room. i was so excited when Mike got home, he didn't seem enthused. all he said was that it was going to screw with his eyes because he has this excuse that he's color blind, and that it's going to be annoying to paint it back. see what i mean, debbie downer!!

anyway, i wanted to paint friday night. even just a wall or two to make sure it's the color i wanted. of course we would have to wait until Ryder went to bed, and when he did, Mike told me he was tired and falling asleep on the couch and went upstairs and laid down.

at 9 o clock.

he told me to wait to paint, and fell asleep.

i said, fuck.that.

so i started painting. one wall turned into two, and three and four. i was up until 4am painting my daughters walls pink, wonder who she was going to grow up to be. my back was on fire, so i had to take a shower to ease the pain. i was in tears by the time i crawled into bed, but happy i finished the room by myself. something i had been wanting to do for months, and Mike kept telling me no, that it wasn't worth it because we have to paint it back. but i did it, and i love it. it looks amazing with the dark furniture! when Ryder woke up the next day i told Mike to go take him to target and get him a new dresser that matches his bed because the one that matches the crib will be going in Lyvias room. he didn't seem to want to. the night before he asked if we could go to the park. which means, the skatepark. while Ryder and i sit and watch him skate... which isn't fun for me at all. and i had told him no because i had just showered and didn't feel like putting a bra or pants on. (you ladies, especially preggo's, know exactly how that is!) and he seemed all butthurt over it. but i couldnt feel bad because things i want to do, we never do.

like painting... so i am stuck doing it alone.

but he went and got the dresser and then took the crib down and put it up in Lyvis room. leaving Ryders room with just a toddler bed. it was a complete devastating mommy moment. but i figured we would try the big boy bed since he constantly sticks his legs through the slats and gets his chunky thigh stuck, and see how well it goes. even after everyone was telling me he was too young.

well, Ryders first night in his toddler bed was a success. after playing and tuckering him out we put him to bed. he has always shown interest in it since we got it for him, and likes to climb up and down from it. i started making it a big production every time that he did. after him walking around his room for a little bit last night, he climbed into his big boy bed and fell asleep. he didn't wake up until 8 this morning. and when he did he just walked around his room talking until we went to get him. he would come up to the baby gate we have in front of his door and throw things out to get our attention, lol. i was so proud of him, even thought it was sad.

nap time was a little harder today, he didn't want to nap, just wanted out of his room, he was getting into his drawers and bookshelf, so we got him ready and went to the pool. he looooves swimming. and when we got home, i put him in his bed. he got out and was sitting leaning against it and the next thing i know he was passed out on the floor. he has been spoiled for 7 months, and will only sleep in his bed. so seeing him sleep on the floor was cute. though he woke up in a horrible mood. but he got to play outside and likes to pick up rocks and talk to them. it's so amazing what all he is learning.

like the last week, he likes to feed mommy. we eat cereal in the morning and he usually takes the marshmellows and then feeds me the rest. he also learned how to give kisses. he will walk up to you, lean his face in, and kiss you right on the lips. and it's no fluke! haha. he wants your approval so bad, when he does things he looks at you and starts clapping with no smile. if you clap back, he knows he did good and starts cheesing. he likes my marker box and dumps them all out but when i tell him its time to clean up, he throws them back in. when he's ready for a nap he turns off the cable box and walks to the gate at the bottom of the stairs. he gives you the pouty sad lip. when we were in home depot he was picking his nose and i told him to stop and moved his hand and he gave me the saddest pouty face ever, it broke my heart! but he sure plays that up, and only with me! what a meanie. haha. he also pulled his little winky out of his diaper this morning, JUST his winky, like a grown ass man about to take a pee. it was adorable, but sad haha. and when he was standing in the tub tonight i told him i saw his little pickle, and he looked down at it and grabbed it. how smart he is... and how into his junk, lmao. 

and now he is asleep in his big boy bed again after a half hour of coaxing because he was being clingy to daddy and over tired and cranky. but when we left him in his room he crawled up into bed and went to sleep. pretty good for a little boy just shy of 14 months. he's doing amazing and i am super proud of him!

i also emptied out his old dresser, while Mike was suppose to put the new dresser together, which he didn't do so guess who gets to?! and moved it into Lyvias room. i put all her newborn clothes into it, got her bed set up nice, and all that's really left other than small little projects, is the organize her closet of bigger things and set up the rocker and bookshelf. i did her nursery in an entire weekend and it is completely ready for her. it makes me a lot less stressed but also sad that once again i had to do it on my own. not that it was difficult but you would think after all he has missed, he would love to stay up late and paint the baby's room. i am doing Ryder's room next paycheck and i have a feeling that will be all me as well. i love doing things for the kids, it makes me feel proud and happy that i am doing cute things for them. but still. 

i think doing his room will be a lot of fun, i just need more ideas for it, since he really only has a bed, dresser, bookshelf, and some toys. he needs fun. and even though i know we will, well, MIKE will, have to prime it all back again in a little over a year, i really think it's worth it. especially their rooms, its more of a home feeling. and as i said, makes me feel super proud of what i have done for my kids. :)

bleh well, sorry about the randomness of this post. and my bitchiness. take into consideration that i am also very pregnant and uncomfortable, can we blame that? haha. despite all things i am in a good mood, i am happy, and i love my life as a mommy. things are hard and i know they will just get more tough but it isn't anything i can't handle. i have so much hope for my babies and i, and i am excited to be complete. i know that i am extremely lucky and i know that won't ever change. i will continue to think positively, look on the bright side, and the silver lining. even on a bad day, or an off sort of week. i know that things will be okay, no matter what happens. i am a strong woman, and two beautiful little mini me's to keep me strong and sane. i love them more than anything in this world and i know i am doing something right, every day, by the things Ryder does, and i know i will in less than 2 months when we add the new addition to our family. i live surrounded in love and warmth, even through the coldness of my husband. i will be okay, always, i promise. :)

-ks.

sixty one.

two years ago. :)
i married my best friend. the biggest pain in my butt. the man who would give me children, and sometimes, ulcers.  the one i love, but hate at the same time. but through it all, we have each other.
Michael gave me a second chance at love, and life. despite all our fighting, which has dwindled quite a lot, he respects me, cares for me, and loves me. and no matter what, he's always there when i wake up in the morning.

i honestly think that being married is one of the hardest things i have done in life. you never realize it. growing up you want this perfect little fairytale ending with a man that will always love you and kiss you goodnight. but it isn't like that. being married to my best friend, is... well, comfortable. i no longer care if he knows i'm pooping, i don't have to be "pretty" when he comes home from work. i don't have to act like the little suzie home maker that i'm not, just to please him. being married with a child is so much different than being married with a child, i have noticed. we ignore each other more because we are following the needs of our son and preparing for our daughter. but, it's also easier. i no longer care about the small things that make me angry, i don't lose my temper as easily, because if Mike isn't making me happy, then Ryder is, and that's so much more worth it. most nights, we are too tired to watch a movie together, or do much of anything else. and dates do not exist. but we are comfortable, and i guess that's something to be lucky for. Michael is a man i can not see myself living without. even on the days i sit and wonder why we ever got married in the first place. but we are each others best friends. most days, we work as a team. we want the same things in life, for the most part, and dream of the same things for our family, from our house to activities we want to do. he's that old rocking chair i want rocking by my side, some day when we're 90.

i look back on my life before Mike. who i was and who i wanted to be. there was a time where i didn't want to be anything. that i had no idea who i was. and he came along and made me somebody. he has always given me confidence, and has been my partner in more than one difficult experience. i know i can lean on him whenever i need to, even if i don't because i'm stubborn. he lets me bitch and moan and he listens whenever i talk, usually. even if he doesn't talk back. and he puts up with my crap, like i do his. it's love, i will never doubt that. how in love we are. we don't need dates and romance to prove that, we don't need that perfect little life to let us know we're doing just fine. we have our ups and downs, more ups now, than downs, and it's finally getting to where it should be. we were young and wild and crazy, we didn't know each other very well. but we have made it work and we're going to continue to do so. i love that man, through thick and thin. i just hope he never forgets it. but then again, how can he possibly forget? :)

i still can't believe that two years ago i woke up early from only a few hours of sleep and drove to O Hare to pick up the man that would, later that day, become my husband. i put on my dress and my mom put on the crystals, and after saying our beautiful vows, i became his wife. it was the best weekend of my life, spending it just him and i at our cabin. i never thought we would go through so much that we did in the last two years. i never imagined giving birth to our first child alone, or being alone, with our child, for 6 months while he was in a war zone. i didn't think we would fight as much, or i would want to walk away so badly. but now i am glad that i stayed. even though we fight now and sometimes, i make him stay elsewhere, he comes back, every time. whenever i ask him, if he would rather a different life, he never once has ever had any doubt that it couldn't be worked out. he has never given up on me, or us. he awaits the storm, lets it pass, and enjoys it while it lasts. i know i'm not the easiest person to live with but he comes home to me every day and every night, falls asleep in our bed. i know that he helps me out a lot more than most husband and i should be greatful for that. he's an amazing dad, even on the days and weeks he slacks. i teach him a lesson and he learns it. but he keeps us safe, provides us with a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and diapers on the babies butts. and that's all that really matters. that's all that ever should.

i don't have my happy fairytale ending.those do not exist. i have a love that will always change, but always be present. i have a man that kisses me every morning, no matter how bad we fight. neither one of us are perfect, maybe not even perfect for one another. but we are two imperfect people that are determined to make this beautiful family work, no matter what it takes. and i am excited to see what the next year for us holds, and the next 50. we might not ever have it all together, but together we have it all. and i know that i am lucky enough to be loved by him, that my kids have him as a dad, i a husband. my crazy little family, all began with him and i. <3

-ks

sixty.

i am glad this week is over.
but it really has left too many things to run through my head, that i haven't thought about in awhile.
my son has been sick all week. last sunday night i checked on him before going to bed and he was burning up with a fever. i brought him into bed just to hold him because i didn't know what else to do. all day monday and tuesday and half the night in between, he ran a fever still. he was cranky and tired, didn't want to eat, just wanted to sleep, but wouldn't sleep at night. i shared a bed with him and got kicked, poked, jabbed, everything. it was uncomfortable but i had to be there for my son. he would wake up crying and it would take me an hour or more just to calm him down back into sleep. all the while my husband rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head. he left me to do everything. on tuesday i took him to the doctors and it was the most horrifying appointment i have ever been put through. he had a 102.3 temperature and he was screaming the entire time, tears streaming down his face. he didn't want to be touched, the doctor made me hold him down, as he clung to me, i could barely hear what the guy was saying until he left to "collect his thoughts" while i calmed him down. i did and as soon as the doctor walked back him, he started all over. i left the office in tears, hugging my baby that refused to let go of me. all of that and the doctor just told me that he was perfectly fine... really?? i called my mom in the parking lot. i am so tired of having to go through situations like this by myself.  haven't i been alone enough with my child? shouldnt i have someone to lean on, ever? but i don't. the only person i do happens to be over 2,000 miles away. it got the best of me.
wednesday he felt better but still was barely sleeping at night. but then, i was exhausted. i was getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night and that was all. on top of having to deal with everything else during the day.
by thursday, i had enough. there were no clean bottles or sippy cups, we were low on milk, Mike took the truck, and all Ryder wanted to do was be held. i couldn't do it alone anymore, so i snapped. i locked the door so when Mike got off, he couldn't get inside. he called throwing a fit saying he needed to get his uniform because he had duty the next day. he was trying to break in the house, i told him to leave us alone. he left and that's when i noticed the rash spreading out over my sons face and back side. i called him in a panic telling him i needed the truck NOW, i had to take Ryder to the emergency room. i had unlocked the door and he ran upstairs and grabbed Ryder, who was naked, and tried leaving, him with no clothes on, diaper bag unpacked. he just stood there holding my baby, while i got things ready. on the way there we didn't talk, he didn't say anything, then or in the emergency room. the doctor looked him over and told me that he had a viral infection and that him having a rash means it was being flushed out of his body. that his ears and throat looked good and he was hydrated. just let him sleep and eat when and what he wants to, and he will be fine in a few days. hearing that, was a whole weight brought off my shoulders. finally, an answer.
while we were waiting for the release papers, Mike held Ryder who was throwing whatever he was holding. every time something hit the floor Mike would say "damnit" i can not tell you how angry that makes me. do not swear in front of my toddler, especially when he's playing a normal toddler game with you. that is completely unnecessary, and uncalled for, and i refuse to have my son repeat those words! then Ryder threw is cover and he picked it up saying how nasty the floor was, yet he was just letting his child throw his binky onto it, and putting it back into his mouth without wiping it off. but he complains about how nasty his cover will get?! are you freaking kidding me?!
when we got home i told him to get his uniform and find elsewhere to stay. i was not going to stay up half the night with my child again, comforting him and trying to keep his fever bearable, while he gets a full nights rest and doesn't give a damn about anyone else. it isn't fair and i was too exhausted to fight. so he left and went to the bbq we were suppose to go to at D's, which i'm sure would have resulted in him drinking and him ignoring his baby and me chasing him, so i'm fine with not going like i had planned. the moment he left and i knew he wouldn't be back until saturday morning, i felt less stressed than i had all week. i got to focus on only my child and what he needed and wanted and he wasn't nearly as whiney when it was just him and i. we snuggled and played and sprawled out in bed, it was nice. i had missed those moments, so much. and i didn't get irritated with someone else that wasn't helping out. that night he ignored all my calls, had the truck, and didn't give a damn if something had happened to his son or not. i think that's what pissed me off the most. i don't care how pissed you are but we just took our son to the emergency room hours before, you have our only transportation, and you refuse to pick up the phone. no, there is no excuse for that, ever.
i had debated on locking him out saturday morning but my mom flat out told me i needed help with the baby and i shouldnt. so i didn't. he crawled into and put his arm around me after taking a shower. i told him he needed to go find somewhere else to lay, he said he was fine. of course i was fuming so, i couldn't fall back to sleep. which was fine because shortly after he did, Ryder woke up and i wasn't about to let him sleep through it. so i made him get up and play with his son for once. he was falling asleep and i couldnt help my laugh inside. this is what he gets. you can not choose when to be a parent, or when to be awake when you have a toddler. i never have the freedom to shower, eat, sleep, do anything i want to. my child runs my life, i am a mom and i am 100% fine with that. when Ryder went to take a nap, i laid down too and gave Mike a list of chores to do. he did a few things then took a nap until Ryder woke up and i made him wake up again. i wasn't playing those games anymore.
the night he had duty, kelly, a female friend of mikes from back home and i were texting. she randomly popped back into our lives and wanted to visit in a month. i was fine with it for a little while then i decided why should i be okay with it? this is the one i felt uncomfortable with right before we left, how they would hang out alone and how he was throwing her in the pool when we were all swimming and ignoring me... when i was his wife. i don't really care how many times you tell me she's "just one of the guys," it isn't right. i was one of the guys everywhere i went, didn't stop them from anything, or vice versa. i knew they were texting the night he was on duty, so i checked his phone.
he deleted the conversation.
.........................................................................
seriously?
my mind didn't jump automatically to something sexual, but clearly they were talking about things they shouldnt. whether it was bitching about me or sexual things, for him to have deleted it. of course my mind is going to hop around, havent i dealt with this and him before? i went through his photos and he had taken a photo of himself on duty, and immediately i knew he had sent it to her. that was when i called this entire trip off. i'm not playing games, i'm too busy raising my son and growing my daughter to have to worry about my husband sneaking off downstairs while i'm asleep and theres a lone female sleeping on my couch. i was done, so that caused a fight.and of course he told her i blew things out of proportion and i said she couldnt come. which is okay because she really wasn't coming for me or my kid anyway. i asked him if he was sorry for things he had done, or rather, not done this week and all he said was "sorry i didnt wake up enough for you." it just kills me.
this weekend we have been pretty cold towards one another. i slept more today, or tried, just so i could get some rest in me in case Ryder needed me this coming week. but now when i just looked at his phone, i realized that every time i was sleeping, or doing something else, he was texting kelly. i got out of bed an hour after Ryder did, and they whole time he was suppose to be taking care of and playing with his son, he was texting her. even during my sons bath time, while i was finishing dinner! are you freaking kidding me?! i am so angry right now, i had to stop myself from crying. not to mention, they were talking about the past. there is nothing i hate more than when people bring up Mikes past. he's married with two kids now, the old him, those old times, are fucking dead. can people not respect that? she was telling him how she was over at his moms house, and once, called her "mom" and not your mom, which threw me off. talking about his dogs and how she was drinking in his pool, that the last time they hung out they were in the pool, so many flashbacks came to her mind, them riding bikes, going to the club, yadda yadda. THOSE.DAYS.ARE.DEAD.
and i'm really sick and tired of people bringing them back up.  i just can't take it after this long week i have had! i shouldnt have to deal with anything more than my sick son! and now, i have to deal with my husband talking to someone else, more than his wife, and spending more time talking to her than playing with his son. i never have my phone on me during the day when i have my son. i don't do other things while he is awake. even if he doesn't play with me, i still sit and watch him, or even read a book until he calls me over to play with him. but i would never and will never spend more time talking to someone else than my own son, or own husband. regardless of the conversation and i don't think anything sexual was said, it isn't right, at all. and i'm not about to continue to deal with this crap. i shouldn't have to force myself awake during the day so he doesn't talk to someone else!!!

tomorrow we will have been married for two years. and honestly, i just want to lay in bed with my son and watch movies. or chase him around the house, teach him something new. after reading their conversation and reading the time stamps, i really want nothing to do with him. instead of being so happy that we made it to two years, i can't help but sit here and wonder why the hell i stuck around for so long? this past week he was a completely different person. it's one thing to hurt me but now i see that you're ignoring your kid. changing his diaper and washing his bottles doesn't constitute as giving him attention, especially since you've barely been around all week. i just don't understand how a parent can ignore a child like that, or not hear or wake up to his cries in the middle of the night. and knowing we are 9 weeks from having a newborn and seeing how he is when i need him this past week, i'm really contemplating going home to my mom. i've told him countless times that i can not do this on my own. i have no idea what has gotten into him this week, but if this continues, i don't think i can just stay and battle it out myself. he calls me a bitch for locking him out and asking him to leave but what else can i do?
 i have been so tired i have bawled my eyes out. i have taken a crap with a toddler crying on my lap because i couldn't put him down. i have stayed up half the night just waiting for him to cry and the other half calming him down from crying. it's been tough, really tough, but those two nights Mike was gone, were the two easiest nights this past week. and that isn't a normal thought, you know? i love being a mom and i love being able to be there when my son needs me but i can see how much Mikes absence lately has affected him. there is no way Mike can calm him down in the middle of the night, it HAS to be me. he takes to me so much better and i don't think it's because i have been there longer. it's just how his dad has been acting lately, babies know, i know that they do. they know things even before we do. its all just killed me this week and i just want this house to my son and i. things are orderly, on time, follow a routine, and neat. i dont have to be upset because he's texting someone else, or not waking up with Ryder in the middle of the night, or saying things he shouldnt around my son. i dont have to feel insecure because he isn't being affectionate, or irritated because i'm randomly being grouped and him wanting sex, when he makes me feel like a hog. i dont have to be upset when he's rather go to sleep early than stay up and watch a movie with me.especially tonight.
i just liked it better with just my son and i, and i think i would feel the same just my son, daughter, and i. i like struggling on my own. i loved those two nights away from my husband.
i just don't know how much more i can take right now. not with Lyvi being so close to being here, things getting uncomfortable and difficult, still so much to do, knowing there will be even less sleep, and less help, right around the corner. i'm so overwhelmed and if things dont change fast, it's going to be just me from the beginning again.

of course, to every not so happy post, there is a happy ending. what my mother says is true. that if you have complete and total happiness in your children, then life is completely worth every moment. i don't need a man to make me happy anymore, i have my son and all his silliness. :)
he now has five teefers. his top two poked through and a random bottom left one. he has learned to pick his nose. and now, take off his diaper, put it on his head, and run away from me. he follws me into the bathroom to pee and closes the door and i say "uh oh speghettios" and he mimics it back in baby language. but when you know what to look for, you can hear it clear as day. whenever i give him a snack he makes a sound like "thank you" because i am already teaching him manners. he has learned a few new dance moves, to the hot dog dance song of course! he can now crawl onto the chair, using his rocking chair, that he scoots over to it, just to sit like a big boy. he has an over exaggerated smile, it's so super cheesy. he loves to take a hair brush and brush mommys hair, and he's really good at it too, nice and gentle. he always lifts up my shirt to squeeze my belly button and smile. i tell him "baby" and he says "babuh" then lays his head on my belly. Lyvia likes to kick him, that's for sure! he has been super snuggly all week and i absolutely adore it. even through the exhaustion, i love how much he needs me. i love laying with him in the middle of the night just staring at each other in the dark. he always wraps his arm around my neck and plays with my hair. he is such a sweet little boy.
i love being his mommy. always have, and always will. <3

-ks