forty seven.

blame hormones.
or whatever you will but this week has not bee a good one, last week wasn't all that great either.
i'm struggling, and that isn't something i like to admit. i am called superwoman for a reason, but i guess even the best fall down sometimes. but i feel totally alone in this world right now. i get this way a lot and i try to hide it. but it isn't fair anymore.
i'm struggling trying to get through these next few weeks and get over his mother coming into my home for eight straight days and he isn't making this any better. we don't talk about it. i ask what we should cook during the week, or what things we can do outside of the house and he just shrugs. i work a lot better if there is a plan. even something so dumb as to the meals we will cook. but it helps, a lot. i don't like going day to day with things anymore. there isn't just myself i have to think about, but my children as well. and Ryder works better under structure as well. i find that he has a better day if i tell him the night before that we need to go grocery shopping when he wakes up. though, i know he doesn't fully understand, but it makes me feel better knowing i can give my son a plan. i like making lists and having certain days devoted to certain chores. i like things in their place. having to search for things, even for five minutes puts me in a tizzy. i like being heard. i think that's the biggest thing that's bothering me this week. i feel ignored. everything i talk about the conversation falls flat. the things i ask him to do i have to either repeat myself or they just do not get done. i've been trying to calm down and relax as much as i can, knowing in August things are going to get twice as stressful and difficult. and the fact that i feel this way now, gives me little hope once my daughter gets here. and that isn't something i ought to be getting worked up over, it's a happy time. i'm a mother, and i love being a mom. there is nothing better in this world. and i love having someone else to think about and care for and love other than myself. i'm not a selfish person and i do not get upset if my day doesn't go as planned because of a late nap, a cranky baby, or anything dealing with my child. i can easily go with the flow with my son and i know that i can do the same with my daughter.
but when my husband walks in the door and wants to take a shower, and eat because he's "starving" because he supposedly hasn't eaten all day, and then goes to bed at 10PM because he complains he's tired. day in and day out it wears me even more and more thin. i can not remember the time i was able to shower when i wanted to, without setting an alarm and waking up an hour before my child is suppose to. and even then, sometimes that doesn't work. i can't remember the last time i was able to eat a meal without being interrupted, and am snacking on things all day because that's all the chance i get to eat. i told him yesterday that he needed to wait until Ryder went to bed to shower, that it really wasn't fair to me for him to come home, his son get excited to play, and Mike just go take a shower and leave me to pick up my crying baby because his daddy doesn't want to play. even when i am in the middle of doing something, Mike doesn't allow me to finish. everything he is doing is bothering me. on top of all the stress of his mom coming out here and the baby being due in 4 months time, i have no idea how to handle everyday life anymore. i have to constantly ask him to do the same things over and over. and most times, it doesn't get done. it's getting to the point where i have to tell him to change his sons diaper while i do something else, because my poor baby's diaper is sagging to his knees. he has had a diaper rash for over 2 weeks. when Mike isn't home and i focus more on my child, i change his diaper every hour and a half just so he doesn't have to sit in his pee and make his bottom hurt worse. i have to tell Mike it's dinner time, or bath time, or it's time for bed, so don't rile him up. i asked him to feed Ryder something different tonight and he ignored me and fed him what he always does. portions that are smaller than he needs to. when i put Ryder to bed, he understands that it's good night time and only fusses for a few minutes, while he fights Mike and Mike just gives up and wants to give him a bottle so he doesn't have to deal with it. this "amazing father" i have been calling him in the last few months are slipping. it's like, he can't even care at all. and i've about had enough.

Ryder is never fussy when it's just him and i. he knows my parenting style and mommy means business. i do not let him play on the couch, if he wants to cuddle or sit and watch cartoons, he is allowed on the couch. if he wants to jump, he has to get down. i do not let him play with my sunglasses, which he loves. because i like knowing where things are and not having to go look for them when it's time to go somewhere. same with my keys. when he's fussy, if he is, i don't immediately think, "oh, its nap time!" and try to lay him down. Ryder woke up and was still in his crib when Mike got home today and within an hour he asked Ryder if he wanted to take a nap. seriously?! and after i took away my sunglasses, somehow Ryder had them again. but god forbid Ryder ever touch Mike's Oakleys. he has been falling asleep in Ryders crib at night while trying to calm him down because he's sooo tired. and yes, he does work during the day. but when was the last time he stayed up until 4AM doing homework or reading to relax, and waking up a few hours later and tackling the day. and instead of napping like i would like to, there are things i need to get done because i have no help. i love being a parent. no matter what mood Ryder is in. he has a set schedule, as he has had for almost a year. Mike, doesn't seem to care. last night after his bath  i set out jammies for Mike to put on him. Ryder always seems to have the hardest time with Mike after bath time, and screams and fights him. but whenever i give him a bath, the way i do it, he doesn't do any of that stuff. they came downstairs and Ryder didn't have his pjs on. and when i asked Mike why not, he just said, "Ryder was fighting me and wouldn't let me." i stared at him. you're going to let a 20 lb one year old "fight" you, so you don't put clothes on him? are you serious? so i went and grabbed them and put them on him myself. yes, he struggled a little and got mad because he wanted to go run around. but why in the hell would i let a few second fuss session stop me from doing something he needs? tonight, he almost did the same, because Ryder was tired and didn't want pants on. i told Mike that he really needed to be the parent. all this talk of discipline and "oh, i won't let my kids push me around, act like that, treat people like that." is a joke. a very, very sad one.

tonight made me blow up, completely. mollie and scout have been getting out of the gate for well over a month now. the way our patio is set up, you have to blockade the bottom of the wall and the gate. we bought bricks when we moved in here, and chicken wire for the gate. we lost holly right after Ryder was born, and Mike was gone because she too, kept getting out. he has yet to fix it, at all. mollie is small enough to fit through the hole in the bricks. and from Indy jumping on the gate, he tore a hole in the chicken wire that scout fits out of. and, as i said, this has been going on for a long time now. within a few minutes of letting them out to eat and go to the bathroom, i have to go chase them down. i grew tired of that rather quickly. they stay around our area but the run around barking their heads off. they always come back which, sometimes, i wish that they didn't. but, Indy seeing them outside running around, makes him antsy and want to get out and run too, so, he barks. all day long, i hear barking. and jumping, and yipping, and it's really, really frustrating. and they can not making it through the night without pooping or peeing in their cage. i don't have the energy to wake up extra early to let them out, and not be able to go back to sleep because i have to chase them while they're barking. i should be able to let them outside, go back to sleep, and let them in when i wake up. but i can't do that. so, i wake up to the smell of dog shit, almost every morning. Mike's responsibility is the dog cages and the poop outside. which, goes months without being done. instead of cleaning one or two cages every few days if they poop, he just throws all three of them into indy's big cage. which then, gets pooped and peed in by the small dogs. so instead of having to clean one, maybe two of them, since scout is worse with his pooping in his cage, he has to clean three cages. that he doesn't do until the weekend. so, i have an entire week os smelling constant dog shit, in my house. after a few days i suck it up and do it myself but how is that even fair?! it's disgusting. after last week i told him i wanted him to take them to shelter. i couldn't take it anymore. and he told me that "they were my dogs, i wanted them, so i had to deal with them in whatever way they come." and that really, really made me angry. i shouldn't have to be knee deep in dog shit and chasing dogs around outside with a one year old in the house. he has no responsibility. do i have to remind everyone of the fucking piece of shit car that has been sitting in front of my house for over a year and hasn't moved?! yeah, yeah, that's what i thought.

anyway, he fell asleep in Ryders crib tonight while i was reading my schoolwork. and scout got out and was running around barking for half an hour straight. i lost my temper. i went into my sons room and slapped Mike to wake up and told him he needed to go chase scout down and lock them up before i lost my mind. he does, he lets them in, as i'm calling my mom, comes upstairs and lays in bed. clearly, telling me to have my conversation elsewhere.
i go downstairs and see the box that i asked him to take upstairs and put in Lyvi's room. then i hear indy snap at mollie and realized that they're all, once again, in the same cage. that Mike did not clean out scouts cage like i asked him to. i walked into the kitchen to dump his half glass of milk in the sink and throw his popcorn bag away, to see that there was a full bag of trash in the trash can, meaning he did not take the trash out to the street like i asked him to. i.cannot.stand.him.
if i wanted to do everything on my own, i wouldnt have gotten married in the first place. here, Mike expects me to compromise and allow his mother here, in my home, when he ignores me and doesn't do anything i ask him to. sure, he might clean this weekend, but why does he get the privilege to not do anything during the week? especially since i ask him to do these things. why can he never take initiative  and get something done without being told to? then i realized our cable/internet bill was due on the 26th. i rarely forget bills but with dealing with EVERYTHING else, it slipped my mind. and clearly his too. he can't even help me out by remembering one little thing for me. its getting the best of me and i have been trying to stay clam all week, all last week too. i spent all day monday on my hands and knees like cinderella disinfecting all the bathrooms from the virus Mike brought into my house. including cleaning his shit off the toilet seat, because he never did. and when he came home, he didn't even notice. just said i "started" on the bedroom. thats when i called it quits for the week. why do anything when nothing is ever appreciated? when your husband goes to bed when your son does and you barely even talk. i can not do this much longer.

i have been wanting to go mini golfing, or do ANY sort of outing since Mike got back. we havent done anything fun, at all, since before Deployment.. that he left for, over a year ago. so this weekend, i, myself, once again, planned a picnic and mini golf date since he has a 72 this weekend. i was making stuff for the basket when he came home and wanted to shower. well, i have been wanting egg salad sandwhiches. it brings me back to home. every summer my mom, dad, siblings, and i would go on a road trip for tumbling and my mom would always make egg salad. i haven't had it in years, so i decided to make it. Mike said he hated eggs, but i asked him to at least try a bite and if he didn't like it, okay. he took a bite of it, ran to the garbage can and spit it out and said he almost threw up. and asked where the mouthwash was. i think, that is one of the biggest housewife slaps in the face, ever. i don't think he understood how badly that cut into my skin. it's okay to not like something, but don't make a childish production of it and ask for the mouthwash. that was extremely uncalled for, absolutely. not to mention he ate the other half of the cucumber i put in the pasta salad and said it didn't taste right and threw it away. after tonight, i'm not doing it. i planned this nice little thing for us and he was nothing but a dick to me. it was all my plan in the first place, when i have been wanting him to wake up and tell me to get ready and lets go.. somewhere. anywhere, anywhere nice. so, i plan to just roll around with my kiddo all day tomorrow and ignore him. there isn't a point in trying to make a nice day out of it, pushing my feelings aside once again, and let it go...

i'm just, really overwhelmed and he always, always makes it worse. just once, i want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay. that all this, will eventually be with it. well, i do know that it will be worth it. because in the end, the end of next year, if i am still on my own, i'm going to make it that way. the things i ask aren't anything to cause a fight over, by you not doing. i do a lot, and it's hard. but at the end of the day i do know how strong i am. and that i am taking care of my children. and that i will never ever stop taking care of them. i told him that by the beginning of the year, if he has no plan when he gets out of the marine corps, and we don't have as much as i want to saved up, and he doesn't have some sort of job in mind, and in the works, that he has to re enlist and i am taking the children back to indiana to get on our feet. as it is, i am 23 years old with two children and having to figure out a place to live on my own because Mike chooses not to discuss it, when he doesn't understand how close next November really is. if it was just him and i, whatever. i can live on ramen noodles and hotdogs, and live in a run down place. but i have children to think about. they are all that i think about. and they are what give me strength.

being a parent is the best choice i have ever made. i am happy that i made the choice that i did with Billy, because, as much as i would have made ends meet, i wasn't stable enough within myself to raise a child on my own. i did not have the right mind set. after having Ryder and going through what i did for the first six months of his life, i knew what it was like to be on my own with my son. i have the mentality and the maturity to make it work on my own if i had to. i always have a backup plan in the back of my head if i had to walk away. and i believe that all moms should as well. no matter how well the marriage is going, how hunky dory, or whatever fairy tale life you live in. you have to have an escape for you and your children. not even if it turns abusive. even just in my situation where i am not getting what i need to. and i know now, that even with two children, i can do it. with or without him. i don't think these past few weeks have been fair to me, whatsoever. i don't think that the weight of the world should constantly fall on my shoulders. when you get married, that husband you say "i do" to, should want to take some of that weight and give you a little breathing room in life. i do not have that. and i know that my own mother did not have that either. she told me that, she made it through. and yes, she did. and she did so well with her children. but, i look back on my childhood and i remember always wondering why dad never took me to school, or why mom always bought us gifts and played it off that dad did, or if he forgot our birthdays, she would make up an excuse for him. watching my mothers marriage, i know that it made her stronger. raising three children and making it all, somehow, work out. but it tore us apart. we had a piece of our lives missing because my father didn't choose to be around, or be involved. i can not recall the last time i heard my father tell me that he loved me, other than when i was out of high school and things between us changed. i have very little memories of my father. even when he worked from home, there's still a huge gap where that man is suppose to be. i don't want that for Ryder and Lyvia. even though Ryder won't remember now, i do. i will always remember. i can not unforget the fact that i have to remind him to change Ryders diaper, i can't unremember the carelessness that Mike has shown in the last two weeks, and him going against what i asked him to do, and not to do, with my child. i am so tired of people giving him the excuse of his bad parents and not knowing any better. i would think he would be a better man than that.

when i got pregnant, i had no idea what to expect with having a baby. having a little thing attached to you 24/7. little sleep, no time to eat. running here, there, everywhere. crying, temper tantrums, the works. i had no idea what i was getting into. but i grew up. and there isn't a moment of my day that i regret having my son, and my daughter on the way. i don't care how many hours of sleep i lose, or how many cold meals, i don't mind rarely getting out of the house, and "missing out" on things girls my age are doing. i would much rather tuck my son into bed at 9PM, calm him down, hold him until his eyes close. get a few hours sleep and do it all over again. there are days i can't remember when i last washed my hair, or what i ate last. i get random cartoon tunes and toy tunes stuck in my head on a daily basis. whether my child is fussy or happy, or throwing a little fit, there is nowhere in this world that i would rather be. being a parent, is all about putting yourself, after the lives you have created. taking a shower after they fall asleep. not being able to watch your tv show in quiet, or missing it completely because your baby had a meltdown. it's about not getting to relax until after midnight, on some nights, and waking up at 7 to a screaming child because his leg got stuck in between his crib bars, for the second time that night. it's about washing umpteen (<- thats a real word!? really? there is no red dots underneath of it telling me it is spelt wrong, hell yes!) loads of laundry and crib sheets, somethings washing the same things twice in one day. i would never chance any part of my life for Ryder, or Lyvia. and though i know that raising children 15 months apart with come as a challenge, often, i have no doubts about myself. and i know that i can do it on my own. i know that i am capable of that. i have more love in my son than most people do, in anything in their lives.
but i would either like help, from my husband, or not to have a husband around at all. i have thought a lot since he has gotten back that things were actually easier with him gone. i get excited for weeks in the field because i can do my thing with my son and not have him going against that. something has got to give because it's about to get more difficult. and if there is one thing Deployment taught me, it's who i am and what i will never stand for.

i have seriously thought about canceling his mothers trip. and not because i don't like the broad, which, we all know that i don't. but, i don't understand how it's fair at all. how my feelings are getting walked on and he isn't being sensitive about it at all. its me, compromising my feelings, being uncomfortable in my own home, and sucking it up to a woman that has never respected me, when i don't get jack. he hasn't even let her know that there is no air mattress to be brought, when i decided this a few days ago. the man i thought was completely on my side, seems to be getting farther and farther away from it now.  if his mom and him got along great and were close, i could understand a lot better why he is acting this way. but he can't stand her. every time i bring her up he makes fat jokes about her, he's cruel and mean. and he's going to bring her into my home, knowing i do not like her. i just don't understand why he is acting this way now that she bought her plane ticket. does he not understand that if things do not go as i want them to, that i am going to make her wish she never came here in the first place? that i will spend my days with my son elsewhere and he can sit and deal with her? he knows how i feel about all of this and i was the nice guy and am allowing it to happen. and that is the end of discussion with him.

just once, i would like for my husband to make it easier on me and not harder.
i need him to be here for me, and to be here for Ryder too.
i just have no idea what to do at this point.
thankfully, i know i am never alone. i have my world in my hands; my two children.
i am nothing without them. <3

-ks.