forty one.

it's very rare that i am actually proud of myself.
and today, i am.
when i was in high school i had this giant, irrational, terrifying fear of vomiting. it got to the point where i would feel so sick all the time for no reason, and i told myself if i didn't eat, i wouldn't vomit. i'm not sure if it was just the thought of doing it in front of people, or what. but growing up, i rarely had the flu. i have been pregnant twice and yet the last time i threw up, i was a sophomore in high school with the 24 hour stomach bug. right after i graduated i went to JROTC summer camp and they made us chug water after chow and a lot of cadets had thrown up. i was in a panic attack the rest of the night. i couldn't breathe and nearly passed out. i barely ate for the rest of the week and collapsed in the heat from dehydration because i didn't want to drink water for the fear of vomiting it up. i have no idea where this came from. i couldn't hear people talk about it, be around it, listen to it, nothing. my niece had thrown up while we were babysitting and i ran out the door, leaving my nephew behind and my mom to fend for herself and clean it all up. i knew eventually, i would have to get over it. and slowly, i have. i watch the Challenges all the time and you always puke on those, haha. scenes on TV i can stand to watch, if it isn't too gory.
this morning my husband woke up at 5AM, to vomit. i have no idea why i woke up but i heard it and knew what was going on. maybe that was the mom in me. an instant wake up when someone is sick. i mean, i dealt with Ryder spitting up for 6 whole months and it never once phased me, and i know when he's old and has the flu, i will be right there beside him, every step of the way. and i was that way for my husband this morning. there isn't a point to go into details, but i heard and saw things that, a few years ago, would have sent me running. sent me into a full fledged panic attack. i wouldnt have eaten the rest of the week, thinking i was going to catch it next. but i have eaten today, i know that i have too. granted, it has been small stuff, i am currently about to demolish an entire thing of tic tacs, because that just sounds good right now, lol. and i am making my husband soup so he has something in his system. granted, i was a little angry this morning, and a little sad now because he has completely contaminated my two favorite parts of the house, and i refuse to sleep in my bed until the sheets are washed, or take a bath until he disinfects the bathroom. and yes, i will be throwing my toothbrush that is sitting in that bathroom away and getting a new one before i use it again. but hey, compared to a few years ago, i have to say that i am doing pretty good! i called his Sgt to tell him i wasn't even going to attempt to bring him into work today, ready for a battle of them telling me i had to. but he was cool about it. thank goodness.
now i just pray Ryder and i don't get whatever he has going on right now. i couldnt stand to see my baby this miserable, and i couldn't stand to be throwing up and things coming out of holes in my body, i wouldnt be able to take care of my little boy! i'll stick with my head cold that i have been dealing with for a week now, he can keep the bad sickies to himself! and i hope that he feels better soon.
but, his soup is ready. off to go play Doctor Wife. :)

-ks.

forty.

ahahahahaha, okay!
after being so down about the time line shit, i got to ready all my statuses from when Mike and i started dating. first, so much has changed. second, i'm even more crazy about that little butthead than i use to be. and boy was i was cheesy little fuck. so, i do apologize to everyone that was around at that time. but i was happy, thats what mattered. there was only a handful of unhappy statuses before out big blow up break up dealio. i seriously put "i love you mikey" at like the end of every one of them. i can't remember the last time i called him that! and i seriously had a countdown of weeks until he was out of boot camp. how lame! and it's hilarious to think i had no idea what anything in the marine corps was, and thought i was cool because i was dating a Private... seriously? Corporal Nelson sounds so much better now! i had no idea what Pendleton or the MCRD was, let alone this butt fuck egypt town of Twentynine. i thought it was sexy when he wore his dog tags and said OORAH. now i'm like, "dude, take those off and shut the hell up." i cried when he went to MCT for the amount of time he now goes to Viper. where i kiss him goodbye and spend the next 5 weeks not shaving my legs and vegging out on the couch like it ain't no big thing. i thought Boot was the hardest thing in my life. yet i soared through Deployment just fine. it's just so weird. those dating days were just, so funny when i look back on them. 
i love the reminder of how happy we were. i mean, deep down i know we always have been. we have just been fogged by problems and drama. lots and lots of too much drama.  but i love seeing how much we grew up together, and as individuals and how much drama and bullshit we got through together. yeah it hurt and sucked at the time but look at the beauty it created in the end? look at how i got exactly what i wanted and dreamed of since i met him, because i fought for him all that time. even though there were bad times, they weren't that bad. but coming from the situation i had just gotten out of, it seemed like the end of the world back then. he has always treated me with respect, he has had many cute moments. i like how i kept posting that i loved his heart. and i always have. he sucks with emotions. i said, a few weeks after dating that, "he can't express shit unless it's in sound effects." which was so absolutely true! but it also made me realize that i can not remember the last time he actually talked in sound effects. or even said meow, seriously!
throughout our whole big break up... thing. whatever youd call it. all my posts were still, happy. normal. i didn't hate my life. i didn't bash him. i didnt give up. not once. i couldnt accept that things were done between us. neither did he, apparently he said some pretty strong words that i can no longer remember. but something in him gave me hope that this wasn't the end of us. that we were broken, only a little.  "life isn't about the road or your worn out sneakers. it's about the bumps, cracks, and the hills that make it steeper. this isn't about chasing after what you wanted or thought you knew. it's about finding all the pieces and starting anew."  is what i wrote during that time. and its nothing more than the truth. it hurt me, a lot. but i wasn't about to give up on him. i always told him, "don't give up one of the greatest things that could ever happen to you just because you're a little unsure of who you are." and i had to remind him of that all week. that's all it was. a bump in our path. the first big one, and not our last. i'm nowhere near a religious person but i kept telling myself to keep my faith, through the pain. and i did. within myself and within Michael as well. i knew he loved me, still. and always would. i believed his words over anyone's. he was still always mine. <3


i think this is enough lovey dovey gushy blogging for one post. it's also 3am and i'm exhausted and my nose will not stop running. guess i'll fall asleep next to my husband. whom i love so much more right now. :)


-ks.

thirty nine.

we live, we learn. we crash, we burn.
and no matter how much i have changed. physically, mentally, emotionally. the pain still remains.
today the fucking Facebook switched me to timeline. i had been avoiding it, knowing there was a past hidden between the lines that i did not want to relive. and here i am, sitting in tears, reliving it all. day by day. seeing myself that low, kills me. every single time. who was that girl? that girl that called this monster her own? the girl that constantly spoke the words, "i am lost, and never want to be found." that blue eyed girl that was so shadowed with bruises, inside and out. why? why did i ever put myself through that? that.. monster. what was so important of him to have such a hold on me? where was i, in that moment of weakness, over and over again to let myself fall back into those arms? how come i never opened my eyes just a little bit more, to let go? it was a constant reminder that i told myself, in public, that i was never going to be "that girl"
now that i look back, what girl was that? the one for him? the one he would eventually treat right? or the girl that would actually fall for anything like she did? i have no idea who i was. it was like, a giant chunk out of some important years of my life were removed when he walked in. those days i can not get back.
i can not tell myself that all of those times were a lose. honestly, they made my current life all the more important, more meaningful, and makes it all make sense. i realize how much i have grown up since then. and i know that not even one inch of me is the same. and although i never escaped completely, i know in time that i would have. in January of 2009, the beginning of the year that i met Michael, i began to slip away. but not from myself like i had imagined i would have. i started classes back at IUN, i had a direction. i got out of Billy's reach by buying my beloved Johnny Walker. i started working at PSC. i suppose those small little things are what saved my life. after joining MMA, i felt a lot better about myself. i was doing well in college, i had a job that i couldnt wait to get to everyday, and i was a fighter. but cage fighting never really was about what it meant to anyone else. not to me. it wasn't about winning the fight. but it was about fighting to stay alive. every damn day. and all the strength and courage i built up, i knew it was time to let go. after we moved out of the apartment, as upset as i was the first month, i knew that i could breathe again. i knew that i could start over, and start to re create myself. a fresh start, a new me, a new life.
"someone once told me that life wasn't worth the fight. it took an entire year and a half of abuse for me to realize that, they lied." was my status update on May 24th, 2009. almost a year before the day Michael and i got married. it is beyond crazy how things changed, as soon as i met Michael. every little piece of me started to fall into place.
"breakdown after breakdown. brick.by.fucking.brick. she still finds herself standing tall. after each.and.every.hit."

after Billy and i broke up, and i became just a memory. i had one dream. i wanted to pack up and move to Memphis. i have no idea why. i had never been there, or even to Tennessee. but i knew i wanted somewhere new. where i knew no one and no one knew me. and start over. i wasn't a settle down type of girl anymore. i wanted to go, to find myself. i will always have a small obsession with Memphis, it will always be my little hideaway if ever shall i need it. but in the posts after May, things seemed to get a lot better. i found comfort in running and would run often. after running away from so many problems in my life you would think i would be able to run a marathon. i was happy with my job and spent a lot of time with my mom. my spirit began to soar and more than once or twice, i see myself posting things like, "i am so happy to be alive."i knew that letting go was the best thing that i could do. there were a lot of guys in my life that summer and each one of them hold some part of my healing process. but that's all they were. they were nothing special. but a few nights that turned into mornings. they made me realize all that i didn't want. being with them taught me more things about myself. and more so, who i wasn't, and where in life i didn't need to be. Tim was the first to open my eyes. he too, knew Billy. he was the first to sit me down and talk to me about it all. he made me feel beautiful in my own skin. he made me realize that not every man on this earth was going to hurt me. he is as gentle as they come and he was an amazing friend of mine, and came and left when my life called for it. then it was Matty, whom i believe helped me the most in life. he opened my eyes about both Billy and Mike. he has a beautiful daughter and that got between us, we were just not meant to be together. we tried to date over that summer and i couldn't do it. while Mike was at boot camp, my sister in law and Matt got together. on New Years Eve he was at her house. she had tried breaking up with him before the party. and he asked me to go downstairs to talk for a few minutes. while we were sitting on the washing machine and dryer like Mike and i use to do, he tried to kiss me. i shoved him off of me and ran upstairs. it was in the moment that i did not give into another man while i was with someone else. i had cheated on Billy with Matt before. but something inside of me burst into flames when his lips were inches from mine. and that was the moment i realized that Mike was not like anyone else. Tony was also in my life that summer and taught me to face my fears of the roads ahead. but he also told me that i could not fix someone, no matter how hard i tried. all of these men have since, left my life. like every other road i have traveled down.

running, security, johnny walker, and sweet, sweet words i heard on the radio were my saviors that summer of 2009. they got me over the toughest of times, and running led me straight into my husbands arms. i have no idea what it was about him, but in that moment that i first saw him. and stared into his eyes, i knew there was more to this life than anything i had ever known. that instant, i felt safe. everything about him, led me to believe that love could possibly exist. he didn't leave my mind all weekend. and that first night we rode through the stars and he kissed me for the first time, i knew.
Mike saved my life. more than he even realizes. he has given me so much confidence in life. but, that's a happier story for a happier time.

during that time, i stayed alive. i grew up and became wise. i opened my eyes to the world and everything and everyone in it. i... i survived.

i wrote this the morning after i met Michael...

It’s taken me far too long. To realize what I have just realized in life.
Thank god that’s over.

Everything I have been going through is still a small detail, a small bump, in my road. 
I was knocked down. Torn apart. Left for dead.
And here I am. Simply learning to walk again.
Everything I had built in a year and a half. Everything I lost. Everything I won. Has been switched around, turned upside down.

I’ve made my mistakes. And I have paid the price for each of them.
I let about a million and four people down.
I’ve walked and run over half the people I had in my life.
I’ve lost great people. I’ve met a few new ones.
There was a life lost. And a life found.

I’ve walked alone and I’ve walked side by side.

I watched my dreams just float away and never come back.

So I’m making new ones.

I have never felt so incrediby… free, in my life.

I can’t love him anymore. Not after everything that he as done to me. Really, when it all came down to it, I never looked at the big picture of things. Just this little thing, what he had done this time, rather than the last five times, and so forth. I knew a long time ago that it wasn’t a good spot to be in, but I tricked myself into believing that he needed me. 

All he needed me for for to push someone around. He needed to break me down. He needed to constantly make me feel bad about myself. He needed to leave his mark, all over my body. And once I started to gain myself back, I started to be more independent and grow away from him, out of his grasp, he started to realize that I was playing his games anymore.

I havent talked to him in about a week. And I almost relapsed tonight. But I knew that it would have only hurt me. And I’ve become so strong lately, I couldn’t risk it.

I am no longer hurt and I no longer fear falling in love.

No one else, is Billy Burk. They can’t have the memories that we had. They can’t go through what we went through. They can’t hold me,the way he did, or take what I had with him away from me.

But they also can’t hurt me. And break me. And tear me apart. They can’t leave every single bruise, or tear, that he left. They can’t make me do the things I did for him. They can’t. because I wont let them. I’m stronger this time. And I’ll turn around and walk away. Because I didn’t deserve what he did to me. Everyday. But I stayed. And I won’t. EVER AGAIN.

He’s the worst person in this world. He took advantage of an innocent girl who has become one of my closest friends. He stole. He came a criminal. Hes abusive.

I should want him to die.

But I can’t say that anymore.

I just hope he finds, exactly what he’s looking for.
And I hope she leaves him far sooner than I left him.
And never ever EVER comes back.

I have found someone that I enjoy being around very much. He can make me smile so easily, and makes me appreciate the little things in life. Such as a sunrise, which we ALWAYS seem to catch. That look in his eyes lets me know that he wants me in his life. I’ve never felt that. That’s all I’ll ever need. I Can’t thank him enough for all that he’s done for me. He didn’t really know how to lift me back up. But he sure did lie down right next to me.! He has no idea how amazing he is. And one day he is going to find someone, that lets him be fearless. And although he may not know where life is taking him in this exact moment. I really hope that he knows. He’s going to make it big someday. Whether it be in small town Indiana, or big time California. I hope he gets all that he deserves, which is quite a lot. He’s been through a lot of things in this lifetime, that I know if I had to go through, I wouldn’t have made it. But he did. He’s strong, and he always pushes on.he hasn’t only re taught me how to walk, he’s showed me how to run.  I am very thankful to have him in my life, I do believe, he could have possibly saved it. So tim, I have to say thank you. Thank you for absolutely EVERYTHING you have done for me. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And I know that if I try to run, you’re faster. And I know that you’ll catch me.

I’m always going to be that freckle faces girl with the lopsided grin. I’m still going to sing in the shower, completely off key. And dance around in my underwear and a cowboy hat when no one is home. (great image right?) I’m never going to say the right thing at exactly the right time. I’m always going to swear like a Marine. My hair is NEVER going to fall in the right places. I’m always going to be scared of thunderstorms, but dance around in the rain anyway. I’m never going to be afraid to get dirty. And I don’t think I’ll ever give away my favorite pair of sweats.I’m going to get a temper, and I’m going to always think that I am right. I’m always going to care too much, and give in too little. But I’m always going to be me. That’s the one thing that is never going to change. And one day someone is going to come along and fall in love with me. Every flaw, every mistake, and all. Some day. 

I’m going to be getting the tattoo that I had planned on ever since I was about 13 years old.
But I threw that one away too. Because he wasn’t in my life anymore.
And he still isn’t. but I have no doubt in my mind that he will be back.
I’ll always be kevins little sister. “little kp” “little pattywhack” or any other nickname hes had.
And I have never really liked that, but I can’t help but cling to it more than ever now.
And I am… a Paterson.

I realized. I come from a very strong line of females.

My Grammy was the most courageous woman I have ever known. Losing three children, and then losing herself. I really do believe, that week in the hospital was the biggest turning point in my life. I couldn’t be selfish, I couldn’t think of myself. And I didn’t. I stayed there, everyday, all the time. And I didn’t care. I remember her last words. God damn it I do, those were MY words. They belong to me. And I watched her slip away. Everyday. And she was gone, before I ever got to tell her. That I was sorry. And I think about her. Every day of my life. And I should have been a better person back then. But I’m going to be better now. And I can’t tell her that anymore… 

The last thing I wrote, was for her. I faced my fears and I read it at her funeral. I have never read anything I have ever written in front of a large group of people anymore. But I went up there, all by myself. But I wasn’t alone. I remember looking out from where I was standing, higher than everyone else. I felt my knees buckled. And I could barely stand. My hands gripped the podium. And I did it. I remember my mom telling me later that day, that she thought she was going to have to go up there, and hold me up. But she didn’t have to. Because I was so strong. I was like my Grammy. 

I haven’t written anything sense.

Lately I have been spending more “me” time. I’ve taken up daily cancer, tanning, I read more, I stress less, and I write basically EVERYTHING down. I never want to miss a beat of this amazing life I’m building for myself. The plan is to start running, however we all know how well that works right? But I have to start training and start testing.

I was discussing with Officer Pochron one night. About becoming a Hobart cop here within the next year. He says that there’s a pretty good chance as long as I pass the tests. And I also learned, there are no female cops on HPD. Which to me, sounds pretty amazing. And I could be going someplace with all of this. I’m tired of people telling me to go be a nurse. Sit behind a desk. I know that this is the lifestyle I’ve wanted for a really long time. And sure it’s going to be difficult, but I know that I can do it. Because they have faith in me. Pochron, Webber, Gressor. You guys are amazing. You guys are my heroes!!!

Well that’s my life as of now. I’m having more “happy” days than bad days.

I’ve stopped planning whats going to happen even six months from today, outside of my career.

I’m back in school and passed, well, three of my classes. Because the art teacher was a complete douchebag.

I’m living back with my mom and I’m trying to make the best of it.

I have the best of friends.

The greatest family I could ever ask for.
Thought I want to kill a few of them half the time. I’d kill FOR them, anyday of my life.

I have a guy that calls me beautiful, that I’m not head over heels with.
Thought I never really understood that expression. Uhm heels over head? Head over heels? Whatever!!

My life is going in the right direction. I’m getting back into writing. And I plan on POSSIBLY publishing a book within the next year. If everything pans out correctly.

HPD here I come when I turn 21!

If I don’t die of cancer from tanning and asthma from running.
Which really, kind of cancels it out. I go tanning. And then I go running. Never said life made sense.

I still love my job.

I’m going to make more time for myself, as well as my family. I know that I’ve kind of been out of everyones life for the past year and a half.

And I’m going to start… sleeping less. Seems to be my trend these days. 
But theres no point in sleeping. Everyday is such a beautiful day. I can’t stand to miss even a minute of it!

“When you’re entire life is being torn apart. Do the only thing you can do. SURVIVE!”

Well there you have it. My life story. As of right now. In the wee early hours of August the First, two thousand and nine.
The sun will be coming up soon as I post this. Outside. Stealing someones internet.
Today is the first day, of the rest of my life.


<3


-ks. 

thirty eight.

just a jumble of words.
i haven't posted in awhile and i have a few things on my mind.
first of all, every passing fucking day, i hate the god damn marine corps more and more, and everything that it involves and stands for. i guess my first complaint is housing. which, i shouldnt complain about because it really is saving our butts at the moment, but they seriously suck.
a few weeks ago i notice our air conditioner not working. this was shortly after the guy fixed our heat. when i called them about it they came in for about 10 minutes and told me it wasn't ever going to work because of the dog pee on it, they wouldn't replace it. this was a week ago, i'm livid. i haven't called back because i have been sick and don't have the energy or want to argue with people right now. the entire air process has pissed me off since day one. it took over 2 months for the entire installation, and during those times, they never came when they were suppose to so my dogs were locked up when they shouldnt have had to be. they seriously get like a 20 by 20 fucking patio square, and now they block even more space due to the air conditioner. of course my dog is going to piss on it, he doesn't have anywhere else to! and all around this area there are signs saying dogs are prohibited, AND they took down the dog park. fucking seriously people!? so you're not going to replace a piece of equipment when you knew there were dogs on the patio, and didn't block it off. am i suppose to stare at my dog and yell at him to not pee on it every damn day?! if the air conditioner won't work after a dog pisses on it, BLOCK THE MOTHERFUCKING THING OFF! it's now, 80 degrees in my house, when i'm sick and have coughing fits when i get overheated. liiiike, now! and my poor son is now coughing as well. i'm not dealing with this shit again this summer. along with the ant infestations. so, looks like they will be moving us, themselves, or fixing our freaking problems. god damn.
another thing is, i'm sick of this fucking unit. but then again, that isn't anything new. mike comes home exhausted every day because they run him around so much because he's one of the only ones that does his job. he has 4 different billets and he's a mentor. and i can't remember the last time they worked on a fucking truck. not to mention almost the entire platoon is a bunch of drunk fucking single Marines with no lives. and it's turning my husband into a complete asshole. god, i swear i want to punch this fucker in the head. last night there was a power outage in twentynine. everytime this happens, our service tower goes out. first, that isn't our fucking problem, or fault. i guess when they wake up, they all have to text each other, like little fucking kids, to let whoever know that they're alive. can you not wait a half fucking hour or so until people show up at work?! it's seriously so fucking dumb and childish. well this morning since our service was down, Mike couldn't text anyone. he had some class at seven and had the shop keys. he was responsible last night and talked to someone to hand them off to this morning. he had his job taken care of. and yet, since he didn't text so and so and yaywho, he gets bitched at for it. i just read a text that said, "i'm going to fucking light your ass on fire when i hear from you." for god fucking sakes! seriously, my husband is 24 god damned years old. he shouldnt have to text someone in the morning before he goes to work. i guess even Monique was saying that if even one person doesn't text whoever, it fucks everything up. is this piece of shit unit THAT unorganized?! i think it's fucking dumb. and i can not wait to get out of this world. as much as i'm going to miss this place, i'm NOT going to miss anything else about the shitty ass marine corps. disrespectful pieces of shit.

well, end vent there. other than that, things are fine. haha.

i have been sick all week. and i know that i am lucky to not get sick often but when i do, it kicks my butt. but Ryder has been wonderful. he crawls over to check on mommy, and brings me a toy. and gives kisses, even sometimes their owie kisses. and i am so glad to have a child well behaved enough to let me relax when i need to. and last night Mike took Ryder to the commissary and walmart so i could relax and rest without a baby and noise. that, was really nice. even though i got lonely really fast haha. but i got to soak in my tub and get in a small nap. it's nice, once in awhile.

the other night, i accidentally dyed my hair blonde. don't ask. it was horrid. i refuse to post a photo. but, at least i can die knowing i won't ever look good blonde. seriously, after i took the cap off, i had Britney Spears songs stuck in my head. i had to call Monique over so she could see it before Mike did. and bless his heart, trying to tip toe around my feelings and make it not sound as awful as it was. finally i got him to admit that it looked like shit, and that was the funniest part. i knew it did, i didn't cry. i just laughed and refused to go anywhere. thank goodness i had some extra dye stashed away. never, ever again am i experimenting. i know the color i want and i'll go to a salon next time. for now, i'm back to being a brunette and i like it that way.

Ryder got his first owie the other night. :(  i blame both myself and his monkey-ness. and as much as it made me sad, i know it is far from the last time, and far from the worst time. he was jumping on the couch next to Monique and was trying to reach a soda can on the bookshelf and slipped on the blankets i had put on the arm of the couch and slipped off. thankfully, the porn elephant was there to break his fall. he bruised his eye and hurt hims chin a little bit. but he was a trooper and stopped crying after a few minutes and forgot it even happened. poor Mo felt so bad about it, thinking it was her fault. but when you have a little curious monkey like we do, it was bound to happen sooner or later. that poor girl, my kid has pooped on, puked on, peed on, and now fallen on her. at least i know she will be more than enough prepared for her own baby here soon!
her and Steven watched him tonight while Mike and i went to see The Vow.
i have got to admit, it was the most awkward thing, being without the baby. he held my hand while walking. we havent done that in like, over a year ahahahahaha. he even opened my car door for me, saying he missed doing it but he's always carrying Ryder and i'm in the car before he can get around to it. well, yeah. i'm not one to stand by a closed door waiting for someone to open it, lmao. but it was really nice. the movie wasn't as good as i expected. usually i cry at sappy love movies but the only thing that really got me was the line her mother told her. it made so much sense, and made me realize a lot.

she said, "i chose to stay with him for the hundred of things he had done right, instead of leaving him for the one thing he did wrong."
when i look back on Mike and i's relationship and marriage, i know that, at least right now, the good and the bad might be even. or even more so, the bad outweighs the good. he has done more than enough to last a lifetime of hurt for me. i am almost at the point of forgiveness. but i know that i have learned to let things go. but the amazing small things he has done, have meant more to me than the hurt. even if, all last year, they were few and far between. such small things. like him taking Ryder to run an errand, picking up a random craving, making me coffee before he went to work. and him always, always telling me he loves me in the morning before leaving. the emails and letters he wrote me during Boot Camp and Deployment, the smiles he has put on my face. i know now, that those things are so very much more important than the tears. every man i have ever been with has hurt me, or left me. i know how all that feels. but it's the little things Mike has done to me and for me, that i haven't felt before. and those things are what makes all the difference.

and after feeling like teenagers again, we went to walmart and bought adult things. such as dishwasher soap packets, kaboom foamtastic bathroom cleaner, annnnnnd ant raid. lmao. not going to lie about my excitement with the foamtastic. and pretty stoked to deep clean my house before monster in law gets here. if i ever get the chance to. i really, really hate messes lately. and thats all my house seems to be. i hate searching for half an hour for the one thing i want. and it's not even that i misplace things. it's usually my son finding it, in its place, and crawling off with it. which, is pretty cute.

well, time to enjoy my bubble bath.
i can not take a bath without bubbles, or a sponge. and yes i have backup for both.
and right now, i have been sitting in the tub. it's where i blog best. :)
love you all!

-ks.

thirty seven.

emotions are running high tonight.
saint patricks day marked two years since Michaels grandma passed away.
so, i can not help but go back to that time. that almost made me give up.
and it brought me back to the present, where i am so glad that i didn't.

i am no stranger to death. i have lost more people in my life than what should be normal. and if there is one thing that i know, it's that, after theyre gone, you have to be there for the people that have been left behind.
the day Mike was due to come home on emergency leave, i had to work so i couldn't get him from the airport. before i left for work, his sister called me and told me to stay the hell away from him. that their grandma hated me and it was her "dying wish" that i wouldnt be allowed at the funeral. this infuriated me. how could she tell me that i wasn't allowed to be there for my boyfriend? i was so angry but i told her the same statement i wrote above. this was no longer about their grandmother, it was about Mike and i was going to be there for him if he needed me to be. but apparently, she told me if i showed up at their house, or the funeral itself, that i would be thrown out.
that night, Mike was suppose to meet me after work. i got off at midnight and by 10, i still hadn't heard from him. i called and texted his phone with no response. when i still had nothing an hour later, i texted one of his friends, whom i thought i could trust. Steve told me that Mike was drunk and Kristine, his ex, was over and staying the night and Mike wanted nothing to do with me. he was done with me, in his mind we were broken up and he was moving on. supposedly, he was downstairs in the bedroom, with her, and ignoring all my calls. i was frantic, how could this be happening when earlier that day he called me to tell me how much he loved me and couldnt wait until he saw me tonight?
like an idiot, i drove to Hammond and met Steve in the McDonalds parking lot by Mike's house.
you know when you have a gut feeling about something? that you absolutely, positively, know that it is true? sitting there the entire time, what Steve was telling me, for some reason, i didn't have that. i was sitting there, being told, to my face, that Mike was in his bedroom fucking his fat ex girlfriend. i sat there, completely dry eyed, and when he left, i laughed. i had no idea what was going on in my boyfriends head, i have no idea why he was ignoring me, but i never once felt like he was honestly having sex with another girl that night. i was told this, over and over again. and that he had slept with Sheena that week as well. that following Sunday he texted me telling me that he wanted to come "get his things" from my house. when i asked what he wanted, he picked out one thing, while i still had half of his wardrobe in my bedroom. his friends drove him to my house and we walked, and talked. i was completely tipsy and couldn't take anything seriously, but i know then, something in his eyes, his voice, or the way our hearts were connected, that this wasn't over. him and i? no fucking way.

while he was out getting smashed, going to bars, and dealing with things, while ignoring my calls, i went out on a date. "Magnum Brad" oh no. don't think it's because he has some big penis. as i have been told, it's quite the opposite. its only because he had that ugly looking car, that i giggle at every time i see it. we went to Steak and Shake for milkshakes. the whole time, my mind was on Mike. Brad and i went on a long weekend date shortly after i moved home from my apartment with Billy. it was fun but the conversation was like getting a tooth pulled. we had little in common, other than horses, there just wasnt a spark. but that week, i called Brad up. we were sitting in his Magnum (lmao, gets me every fucking time.) listening to music and he was talking about his gun. and BAM, pulled it out from under his seat. first, i had no idea why he had a gun under his seat when he was rich, and lived in a fancy neighborhood in Crown Point. second, why are you showing me this!? no, it didn't get bad, i wasn't scared, but seriously, why? so i excused myself and went inside without so much of a wave. my heart was pounding and i told my mom the story. we just laughed together. the feelings with Brad, was nothing compared to what i felt with Mike. i had slept with my head on the pillow that hide his Glock, the first night i stayed at his house and i didn't think anything of it. he made me feel safe. i didn't want anyone else. there was no one else that could fill that void that was eating away at my tiny body, that entire week.

that night, as i was talking to my friend ashley, late into the night. i made a vow to myself. that this time, i wasn't going to let go. i didn't care how badly i was hurting, or crying myself to sleep. there was no one else for me, but my Michael. there was not an ounce of me that even wanted to give up on him. while he ignored my phone calls and text messages, i booked myself a plane ticket to North Carolina, the following weekend. i did end up seeing him twice before he left. he never could give me a straight answer as to why he was breaking up with me. he still told me that he loved me. even then, he told me there was no one else for him and he had not slept with anyone. i knew i had to force myself to believe it, even though everyone kept telling me that he did. it was then that i realized i couldn't trust anyone but the man that i loved.

clearly, we got back together. it only took about an hour of me being in Jacksonville for him to ask me to be his again. and that weekend it was like nothing ever happened. i still think about that week, a lot. and sometimes, i do wonder what he did with those girls. but i didn't know Mike like i know him now. and i know he wouldnt and couldnt do that to me, even in a time where his head was so fucked up. to this day he denies even breaking up with me, he can't admit that he broke my heart a time or two. and now, when i think back and wonder, i stop and shake my head. i can no even think of it. i can not even remember Michael back then. he talks different, acts different, likes different things and has different priorities. every tiny little thing about him is different than who he was back then. during that week. and if something really did happen, it means so very little to what we have no. that there is no point in reliving that week in the negative, and just look back and realize, it's what led us to here and now.

i couldn't be happier that i flew to Jacksonville that weekend. after that weekend, it made me realize who i was, that i had no fear, and i really did love that man. and it made him realize what an idiot he was and he refused to let me go. we talked of marriage that week, and shortly after, he asked me to marry him. the next time we saw each other, i picked him up from O'Hare, handed him my truck keys, and we drove to Michigan for our wedding. Mike and i have overcome so, so much since the day that we met. so many hard times, drama, everyone rooting for us to break up. shit, even still, a lot of people are hoping that we get a divorce. we have rose above it all and we are finally in such a good place in our relationship. i think this Deployment really saved our marriage and our family. it slapped us in the face and made us step back and realize who and what is important. and that the only people that have always, always been there for each of us since the day that we met, were only each other. he came home and, after our struggle has passed, we became stronger than i ever imagined we would be. that man put me through so much shit, so many sleepless, teary eyed nights, so much drama and situations i was always too good for. but the moment our son was born, that over rode every little thing he ever did to me. i would relive that week over and over again, as long as today was the same, and tomorrow would still remain.

i love that man, the one that drives me nuts and kicks my nerves. that man that plays with our little boy in the kitchen and kisses me goodbye when i sleep in the mornings. the one i can be myself around and he always thinks i am beautiful anyway. the father of my two absolutely beautiful children, and has been there for me through all the hard times, and refuses to leave my side. this new, beautiful and courageous man, that i have helped to shape and mold in the last 2 and a half years. that man, is mine. all mine, and Ryder's and Lyvia's. no one else's, ever. and i could not ever love myself more, knowing that i refused to give up. and flew across state lines, to get what was mine, back. <3

i love you buttface.

ks.

thirty six.

stickin to my guns. 
i randomly go on mikes old facebook from time to time. his sister deleted him/me from it awhile back and she randomly, added him back. after stalking her profile, i just had to deactivate his account again. not one thing has changed and i am glad i refuse to give her a second chance until she grows up. she isn't 21 yet, and posts all these photos of her drinking, drunk, and in the sluttiest clothing. she complains about every little thing, especially working. back in december she posted saying that as far as she knew, she was an only child, and posted that Mike only calls them for money. first of all, he rarely talks to his mother and second, we have never asked for money. i don't understand why she would post things like this. i ended up just messaging her all this stuff and how i feel. and how much it saddens me that she is only 2 years younger than i am and could be a big part of our life, we could be close, if she was smart enough to not do 90% of the things she has done.
Mike and i talked a lot about his mom and sister when he came home from Deployment. as much as i did not want them here, i felt that i was almost ready to allow them to. and to start over. even though Mike expressed that he didn't really want them here, i knew better. but with talking about his mom coming now, i had to ask about his sister. i told him no, and he was okay with that. when i asked him why he felt that way, he told me that after what she went back to indiana and said last time, that she didnt deserve it. that she wouldnt be here for the right reasons. and i know this. she would want to drink with her brother, ride on his motorcycle, and fake being sick again, and my son doesn't need to get "sick" it just saddens me that she always looked up to her brother for all the wrong things. his street racing, and him being "cool" and drinking, and his friends. and now she won't get the chance to be proud of him for anything real! i saw in one of her pictures that her friend and herself were wearing the Marine Corps covers, in the basement, in his room. i can not tell you how disrespectful that was, even to me. i have no idea where they got those covers, but my husband went to war, missed the birth of his first born, his son, and you sit in his old bedroom getting drunk and mock what he does for a living. i wanted to slap her. she has always tried to be like him. she has the car he use to talk about, she drinks all the time, with mostly the same people he use to drink with. i just wish she could follow his example and grow up. clearly, the Marine Corps, and starting a family made Mike open his eyes on being an adult. especially after we got married. he's an amazing man now. i wish his sister could be proud of him and happy for him, for having a wife that stuck beside him. clearly, through how many dramatic situations? and proud of him for fathering two children and being a really great dad, instead of thinking he "threw away his family" and wants him to leave me.
i explained to her that, when you get married, move away, and make a family of your own. your mom, dad, and siblings become a lot less important. i talk to my mom, everyday. but i won't be going to visit Indiana like her and i both want me too, because i have to think of my baby, and family as a whole. that, is exactly what Mike is doing. he has seen me cry over things Tiffany has said or done enough to know now that he needs to protect his son and daughter from that, the drama, and having an influence that is just, terrible, in their lives. but that doesn't make him a bad person, or less of a man. he grew up. he changed. he traded his street racing for diapers and his skateboarding for bath time. instead of carrying his gun and knife everywhere, he carried a pink zebra print diaper bag. and that is something to be proud of, more than either one of them will ever know.
Mikes dad was a very short lived father, and i highly doubt Tiffany will be smart enough to think long term in the way of men. neither of them will ever know what it's like to have a dad like my husband for their children. they won't understand what it's like to have a man give up things for his family, and begin to take things seriously. Troy use to be an alcoholic. i remember Mike telling me a story about him at six years old, pouring his daddy's liquor down the drain. because of that, and not wanting his kids to see that, even though, when Mike drinks, he drinks a beer or two and that's it. but, he rarely drinks. he had a few six packs after Deployment and he drank a 12 pack last week when we had our big fight, and even that made me pretty angry. i grew up around no alcohol, at all. even still, the only alcohol my parents drink or froofy wine coolers. and i want my children raised the same way. i didn't get involved in drinking until i was 6 months shy of 21. even then, i have been drunk like, two and a half times, once, we all blame Jovana. haha.
anyway, i got off track.
but, it doesn't look like things have changed. not on either of our parts on either of our feelings. i have no problems at this point in time with his mother. i am perfectly okay with keeping her at a distant, and involving her as little as possible. as is he. but her getting to meet our son is okay. especially since we have just the 4 of us for another year and a half. her visiting once, won't make much of a difference, and Ryder won't remember anyhow. i don't see her and i ever getting close, or even her and Mike getting close, even when we do move back. i just wish Tiffany would get her act together and straighten up instead of constantly begging for attention in her raunchy clothes, provocative poses, and complaints. just, whenever i look at crap like that, my brain screams "desperate" and i wish she understood that there is more to life than getting attention. i wished she cared more about my kids than starting drama and saying rude and unnecessary things about their mom. and i wish she understood that it wasn't me that took her brother away from her, but it was her, herself. we all know these things won't change but i can only hope that by the time she is almost my age, when we move back, her life, attitude, and brain is a whole lot different than it is right now.

i know that i have changed, a lot. even since my birthday. i knew that i needed to, to keep my family together. and thought we fought last week, this week we are mostly okay. i can expect bumps and not everything to be perfect right now, until we get our feet on the ground and are a little less stressed out with everything going on. and i knew that deep down, it was time to at least give his mom a chance to prove herself with my child. i suppose that as long as she loves him, treats him right, and follows our influences on him, then she can be okay in my book. and now is the perfect time to do so, when he doesn't know any better. but, at least this visit. i'm really not worried about too much. i really think it will be a nice time with her here, and not the crazy fiasco that it was last time. and part of me wishes Tiffany were coming as well, but i know it's best if she doesn't. i just hope that one day she will start following in her brothers footsteps and become a better person. and finds a good guy that makes her want to change into a better person. and put some more damn clothes on, my gosh! it all takes time and not all of us can be as lucky as Mike and i were and find our one and only's at 20 and 21 years of age.
it might have started off as lust. an infatuation. a motorcycle.
but i couldn't be more thankful that it turned into so, so very much more than that.
and despite it all, and almost 3 years of wondering, hurting, crying, and contemplating later.
i know this is something so very much worth holding onto.

so you people that hope we break up. hold your breath.
please. :)

-ks.

thirty five.

my daughter is still my daughter.
today at noon i got to see my little girl again. and Naval confirmed, more than once in the session, that she was still a she. i saw those three pink lines. and boy is she a calm little girl. i remember Ryder movin and a groovin and wigglin around. and she just laid there without a care in the world. she's measuring right on track, my amniotic fluid looks perfect, everything went good. it really eased my mind about the mix up last time. so, looks like it's time to start setting things up. my tiny little dancer will be here in no time. :)


currently, in another tab, i am looking for shirts for Ryder to take pictures in for his first birthday. how can a year just go by so fast? he has changed so much, in so many different ways. i can't even remember him being so small, and snuggly. now he's just on the go! and has such a big personality. but i am really glad he has his family back together. his mommy and daddy, and Mo and Steven. just having the five of us together makes the world seem like such a better place. we are all going to the zoo the day before his birthday. our little desert family, and Mike's mom. which still hasn't really hit me, but i'm still pretty okay with it. now just to figure out all the details and make it happen. i can't believe my baby is turning one. :(

i'm so looking forward to, hopefully, the stress free weekend. i am sitting on my butt as much as i can. we have been on the constant go for like, two weeks! time to start my savings account for our move and house next year. which oddly, i'm pretty excited for. our air conditioner should get fixed, i hope. it's beginning to get really hot here! time to get our booties in gear and get things under way for the next crazy year of our life. bring it on.

-ks.